In just about every field of human interaction, a good apology has been proven to be a game changer. But in all those fields, it’s also revealed that our default state is not to apologize well. It’s to explain why it wasn’t really entirely our fault. It’s to protect and defend, rather than humble ourselves.

Many of us have never seen someone offer a full apology, which includes:

1) Name the behavior you’re sorry��for. Saying “I’m sorry�� isn’t enough. Not even close to enough. What exactly did you do (or fail to do) that was wrong? Own it and name it.

2) Acknowledge how it made them feel. This is not permission to say, “I’m sorry you felt hurt�� and avoid naming what you did wrong. That’s a false apology. This is a separate sentence after you named what you did wrong. Once the mistake is identified, say something like, “I can see that it hurt you�� or “I realize this made you feel ignored.��

3) Say what you’ll do differently from now on. Offer a plan on how you’ll make sure this won’t happen again. Or at least a specific commitment that the next time you’re in this situation, you’ll do the opposite. (Of course, this means you need to follow through what that or this whole apology will be invalidated.)

4) Don’t make a single excuse or explain why you weren’t really wrong.��This might be the hardest part of the apology. At least, it is for me. No defending, explaining, or justifying why you did what you did. Explaining should be handled in a separate conversation. And don’t start that “separate conversation�� right after the apology. If you truly do need to explain, you’ll have to come back later, probably another day, and have that conversation.

But let’s be honest, it usually isn’t necessary to explain. We just want to feel justified so we can avoid the pain of being wrong.��When we make a mistake, the guilt and loss felt in that moment is intense. Our impulse is to move away from that as fast as possible. So I challenge to have the strength of character to resist your impulse and make a full apology.��Parents, teach your kids to apologize well. Leaders, model for your people a true apology. And spouses, break the cycle of argument with a real apology.��Have the courage to sit in that pain for a little bit and make a true, full apology. It will make a bigger difference than you might realize. It could change the future path of your whole relationship.

This post is my answer to a discussion question from Chapter Four Debrief of

photo credit: via

First, ask yourself if you really are supposed to stay with that leader. Jimmy Collins (former President of Chick-fil-A) taught me that it is our responsibility to choose our bosses well. ��It’s normal to feel stuck. But you have more options than you probably realize. It might take some time to make a transition happen, but you can find a better job with a better boss.

But what if you believe you’re supposed to stay with that leader? My friend believed God was calling him to stay for at least a while longer.

Then ask the leader how they would like to receive feedback. Before you give challenging feedback, ask them what the best way would be to offer input to them—and on what topics they’re willing to listen. Pre-negotiate how to have that conversation. At best, this opens the door for you to come back later with specifics in the way they want. At worst, you’ll find out they aren’t open to challenges before you stick your foot in your mouth.

But what if—as in my friend’s case—they aren’t open to feedback?

Is time to establish boundaries to protect yourself. Know what you need to stay healthy and protect that. You might need boundaries around how much time you’ll work. Or you might need to limit how often you’ll talk about how bad your boss is with your colleagues and friends. Stirring up frustration after you’ve decided to live with only makes it harder. You might even need to protect yourself from your own passion for excellence and be willing to do what the boss says even when you don’t agree. Choosing to stay means choosing to follow that leader even when you disagree.

If you can’t live with these limits, then I refer you back to the first question. Why are you staying? If the only reason is because you can’t see a way out, then you can decide to leave and give yourself the freedom to start figuring out a way to do that well. There are always options, if you’re willing to be both creative and persistent.��And be sure to interview your next boss thoroughly. The second time around with the same type of bad leader you won’t learn as much—and it hurts just as bad.

Lastly, if this is happening to you, do not waste this opportunity. I learned so much from my bad leaders. Hopefully I learned enough that I’m not “teaching�� my staff these lessons, too.

A few weeks ago I ran my third Tough Mudder. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it was an 11 mile course with 25 ridiculous obstacles, including ice water (big bin filled chest high with so much ice that it slowed me down wading through), electric shock station (there’s no way to avoid the live wires hanging down, you get shocked and keep moving), a 20 foot jump into water, and all sorts of walls and monkey bars and, of course, giant mud pits. Like I said: ridiculous.

��

So why would I do something that hard even once, let alone three times? Because it’s hard. I have discovered joy in overcoming obstacles. There is a thrill when facing a new problem (Tough Mudder changes their obstacles every year). Bonds form when helping a friend and being helped (I have always run Tough Mudder with someone else). And there is deep satisfaction in overcoming. There’s nothing quite like the moment after you conquer��an obstacle—and double that when you��finish the course.��Plus, I get to act like a ten year old boy again. Big mud pit? Jump in! See a wall? Climb it! Ice tub? I dare you swim through it!

Sometimes we do need to rest. We can’t be on the course all year long. But we can’t rest all year long either. We aren’t fully alive without some challenges to overcome. Maybe you’ve just come through a major obstacle course in your life. If so, enjoy your rest. But maybe you’ve been resting for a while. If so, it might be time to enjoy some obstacles.

We thrive in a��rhythm of rest and challenge. Both are needed. And both can be fun.�� So if life is throwing a challenge at you, bring a friend, jump in with both feet, and embrace the joy of overcoming.

As a child my natural state was not knowing—needing to learn. Just in case I wasn’t sure, grown ups constantly reminded me. But as I grew and learned, I earned respect. Eventually, people paid me for my knowledge—even gave me awards. And I remember the day, years ago, when I put down a cool looking book on leadership, thinking to myself, I know this stuff already. But a few months later a friend of mine told me what they learned form the book and I realized the price of my arrogance.

In��his��classic��book,��The��Discoverers,��Daniel��Boorstin says the��primary��barrier��to progress��is the��illusion��of��knowledge��and a dedication��to expertise (or at least the appearance of it). ��The��best discoverers, Boorstin asserts,��are��not��the��smartest��or��most��talented,��but��those��who��either have��the��discipline��to��remain “expert��beginners�� in��their��field.

And I’ve found the more I learn, the harder I have to work to keep learning. ��Our tendency is to rest in our knowledge. The posture of a learner must be chosen.

As a parent, you can decided you already know your child. But today, when they tell you stories and show off their scribbling, what if you choose to discover who they are as if they are new to you? How would that change the way you interact?

As a leader, do you already know the best way to solve your team’s problem or your team’s vision? Or will you choose to open yourself up to learning new methods or even choosing a new path?��Are you finished learning? Or can you humble yourself and walk today with open eyes and a curious heart? Are you an expert or an expert beginner? What posture do you choose today?

photo credit: via

In , I shared how I also learned to appreciate the influence potential of ceremonies. Read that if you’re not convinced. This post is for my friend, and everyone like her, wanting to know how to enhance the ceremonies of our lives.

Create a Special Place:��The most typical example is a stage, or even just forming a circle of people. But you could also go to a special location, like engagement proposals on the mountaintops and beaches, or leaders going offsite for the retreat or award ceremony. Where you do an activity can make the difference between mundane and memorable.��

Idea for Lori: in addition to the graduation ceremony, plan a special meal for the family to have their own ceremony.

Tell The Story:��Whatever you are honoring has a story—and humans remember stories. Here are some tips for telling the story. It doesn’t have to be complicated. Share��

Idea for Lori: Over dinner, have your husband tell this story to commemorate what you’ve done and reinforce these lessons with your kids

Gift a special object:��From biblical times to modern university, people have used special objects to help a ceremony live on in our memories. From stacking twelve stones to diplomas to an employees picture on the wall, something tangible extends the value of a ceremony into the rest of our lives.

Idea for Lori: Lori will get a diploma from the school. But her husband and kids (hint, hint) could get her something special to give to her during the dinner.��

Close with a special statement:��Weddings close with, “I now pronounce you…�� Presidential Inaugurations close with a formal oath. If you create something special you can say at the end, something that connects with the message of the ceremony, it will take the entire moment to the next level.

Idea for Lori: Close the special meal with the family making a promise to each other or praying a special prayer together.

This is not an exhaustive list. In fact, I’d love to hear more ideas from you on how to make ceremonies more meaningful and memorable. But hopefully this will get you started as you evaluate and enhance the ceremonies in your life.

photo credit: via

As I led and learned in a variety of settings I realized that it wasn’t ceremonies I disliked, it was empty ceremonies. The intensity of the ceremony should match the importance of what is honored. ��When someone drones on and on about a routine event, it’s a waste of everyone’s time. But when something truly significant goes down, a serious ceremony is not just helpful, it’s needed. Weddings and funerals would be cheapened without a full ceremony.

Ceremonies are an attempt to highlight something as worthy of special attention. And strategically planning for these moments can enhance almost every area of our lives. For example, my parents added a ceremony to the birthday parties of my childhood (though we didn’t call it a ceremony). Typically around present opening time (a common ceremonial event at birthday parties) all the guests were asked to share what they liked about the birthday boy or girl. We took turns speaking as the rest of the room listened. They could have just asked everyone to share something in private during the party. But having the entire room sit and listen as others shared, one by one, made it a much more special moment. And then my father always closed that “ceremony�� by praying a blessing over the birthday child, laying hands on top of their head. That was anything but an empty ritual for me and my siblings.

It’s common for leaders to reward a team that has hit a big goal with a “share in private�� approach. But spending five minutes to gather the rest of the staff and conduct a small ceremony would honor that team and inspire the rest of the organization.

Romance is in large part built through ceremonies. Getting down on one knee and opening a ring box transforms a simple question into a major moment. If you’re looking to heat up a relationship, consider increasing the intensity and frequency of your ceremonies together—putting on special clothes, going to special places, and saying special things.

What is most important to you? What would you like to draw special attention to? Does the intensity of your ceremonies match the importance of that area in your life? If not, look for ways to create lasting memories and strong values through more and better ceremonies.

This post is an answer to a discussion question in the book, How to Fail as a Leader. For more info about that book, go to .��

photo credit: via

But what about those of us not in the military? How do we choose the most appropriate attire? Do we simply follow the crowd and wear what everyone else is wearing to be safe? Or do we follow popular advice to ignore others and do whatever feels good?

I spent years of my life avoiding style decisions. Jeans and a shirt was my outfit almost every day. Casual days I wore t-shirts and fancy days I wore button up shirts. If I was teaching I would go so far as to wear dress shoes instead of sneakers.��But with the help of two mentors, I came to realize that clothing communicates. And anything that communicates to others is an influence tool. And leaders cannot ignore an influence tool without paying a price.

So, how to choose what to wear? My current approach is to neither follow the crowd or ignore the crowd. First, learn how to follow the rules. Only then will you know which ones to break.��

Before deciding what you should wear, I recommend learning what the norms of your peers are. For some people, this is automatic and instinctive. You’re sensitive to what everyone else in your setting (your office, school, church, etc) is wearing. I had to put real effort into learning this. But until you have a solid grasp on what’s normal, you can’t make intelligent choices about what to wear.

With this information in hand, you can select how you will be different from the crowd. It’s the deviations from the norm that speak the loudest.��This might result in you wearing radically different clothing from the norm, if that’s the message you want to send. Go for it. But there’s a world of difference between random differences and thoughtfully choosing. It’s like first learning to speak a language properly before choosing which words to use to represent yourself. The more fully you understand proper grammar the more powerfully you can communicate what you want. You don’t have to use proper grammar when crafting your message, but if you don’t know the norms you can’t know how create the right effect at the right time.

But there’s one more crucial piece. You need to know exactly what impression you want to make. If you don’t know the message you want to send, you don’t know what to wear. Steve Jobs took his clothing seriously and eventually created his own “uniform”—buying dozens of the exact same black turtleneck shirt and jeans and wearing them almost every single day. He knew the message he wanted to send.

If at this point, some part of you is violently rebelling at the thought of doing anything other than what you prefer, then let me remind you: If you’re not trying to become a better influencer, then don’t worry about this at all. Just pick what looks cool or feels comfy and move on. But if you want to be an influencer, then you have to face the hard truth: You influence best by serving others, not fulfilling your own desires.��

photo credit: via

It only took me four and a half days to write the rough draft of my book, How to Fail as a Leader. I went on a week-long writing retreat and wrote for 14 hours a day. But that was four and a half years ago. Why did it take me so long to get from first draft to final release?

Partly, because it was a nights and weekends project. But mostly it was because I believe excellence matters. I rewrote the book eight times before it was ready to publish (and that doesn’t count the grammar/spelling revisions). Characters were cut, scenes added, discussion questions created��

More than once over the last 12 months I was tempted to publish one of the earlier versions. I have lot of other writing projects I want to do. Starting another version of this book meant delaying all other books. But I each time knew I could make the book a lot better with more work.��Each time, I was faced with a choice between good enough and excellent. And, as you already know, I chose excellence.

Now,��I’m not saying the book is a masterpiece. And don’t confuse doable excellence with impossible perfection. Excellence is my performance compared to my potential. My potential is never perfect. I hope I learn things that make the next book even better. But I can say this book I just released the best I can create with the leadership insights and writing skills I have now.

In the short-term, it was much harder to choose excellence. But in the end, I’m glad I did it. And I’ve never met anyone who chose excellence over expedience and regretted it. ��Whether or not other love the book, I can hold my head high knowing I truly did my best.

—�Ĕ�Ĕ���

People have strong feelings about time and task management. In the United States many people consider how a person handles these to be a character issue. They evaluate others�� integrity and maturity by how soon they show up before an appointment, for example. Failing to get a task done when you said you would means you didn’t keep your word—you lied. However, I have friends who are successful leaders in places like South Africa and India who find these standards absurd. They believe good leaders are gracious enough to allow others to show up whenever it works best for them.

So what’s the right answer? How should leaders manage time and to do’s? African style? American style? Another style?

For individuals, I think the right approach is different for each person. We all have our own unique wiring and there’s not one right answer. However, this isn’t a book about identifying your preferred style. This is a book for leaders. When you are a leader, your choices have a bigger impact on others. Good leaders do what best serves their people, not what best pleases themselves.��

And, of course, I made some big mistakes in this area, too. I’m naturally more “African�� in my approach to time and tasks. But I was born in America and often work with leaders who are strictly “American�� in their view of time. (I used to joke that I was born on the wrong continent.) Early on, I was challenged about my casual approach toward time and tasks. My flexible schedule caused real trouble for those I led, sometimes disrupting the rest of their day. I struggled with this for a while, but eventually realized that if I wanted to be a good leader, this was one of the (many) things I needed change. I needed to serve those I led by working in a way that was best for them.

I engaged a leadership coach, read books, and bit by bit established a simple, but powerful system to make sure I showed up on time and didn’t forget tasks. I learned to sort and respond to emails much faster, even if all I could say was, “I’ll get back to you on this next week.�� I became more organized and disciplined than I thought possible—because that’s what my people needed from me.

I also have friends who moved from America to India who had to make the opposite shift. They had to learn to schedule their day loosely, to stay calm when the plan changed, and then changed again. When you’re a leader, it’s not just about you. It’s about those you lead.

Adduce [one of the heroes of the story] didn’t intend to create trouble for those he led. But his casual approach to time and tasks conflicted with how the fort operated. And without realizing it, Addoc was losing Eldin’s trust [the other hero of the book], one missed commitment at a time.

—�Ĕ�Ĕ���

Again, this was pulled from my book, How to Fail as a Leader, which hits the stores next Monday, April 25th! If you are interested in ordering a book, just send me a message and I’ll get one sent to you. Or check it on out Amazon .]

Open questions cannot logically be answered with a “yes�� or “no�� response. EXAMPLE:��“What is your favorite color?��

Closed questions require a “yes�� or “no�� response.��EXAMPLE:��“Is blue your favorite color?��

False questions offer advice in the form of a question. Technically they are questions, but they function like declarations. They don’t invite others to add to the conversation. They propose a solution for the other person to adopt.��EXAMPLE:��“Don’t you think that blue is the best color?��

Open questions invite exploration and conversation. Our brains naturally want to answer the question, so we imagine possible responses. And the conversation that comes out of those questions feels like two people standing side by side, exploring an idea together.

On the other hand, closed questions initiate evaluation and critique. They spark others to play a game of True or False, switching on the critical evaluation modes of their brains.

And false questions are the most dangerous of all. Unsolicited advice is received as judgment. ��Ironically, when it’s accurate advice it feels even worse. There’s no quicker way to shut down a conversation than shoving solutions into it.��

For any parents who are struggling to get��your kids to talk to you, this could be part of the problem. You might have enabled your teenager to respond with short, yes or no answers, closing off the conversation. Of course, the most clever question in the world won’t magically make teenagers into conversational adults. But I spent several years working with teenagers for a living and I can promise that how you ask does make a difference, even to surly sixteen year olds.

Leaders have to be even more careful with this, because your position of authority makes others more cautious about disagreeing with you. Your solutions end the conversation quickly—that’s what we’ll do. Your closed questions shift the conversation to being evaluated by your boss—they better get the right answer. Hundreds of times I’ve seen leaders shut down a group exploration of what to do by blurting out the solution that they like. So many great ideas have been killed that way.

At the end of each chapter in my forthcoming book, I’ve got a set of discussion questions for individuals or small groups can use to explore the ideas further. Engaging with these open questions could be more powerful than any of the teaching in the book. In fact, I believe this so much that in early drafts of the book, I didn’t have any teaching debriefs at all—I just asked questions at the end of each story chapter.

It might feel awkward at first, but if you can retrain yourself to ask more open questions you will find the quality of all your conversations increase. And the quality of your conversations determines the quality of your relationships.