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511 pages, Paperback
First published October 9, 2018
They could have gone to school. Instead of spending their time sniffing glue and breaking the wing mirrors off cars. They could have got jobs. The recession's over; there's no reason for anyone to be stuck in the muck unless they actually choose to be.
鈥淎ll I could feel was, absurdly, devastated. I had got attached, more than I had realized, to the idea of myself as the dragon-slayer. With that gone, I was right back to useless victim.鈥�In her Dublin Murder Squad books Tana French had mastered the art of putting a spotlight on an unlikable character and making us see the person behind the careful facade, making the readers understand and empathize even when we don鈥檛 quite agree. Even though the assholes may have remained assholes - think Frank Mackey of and Scorcher Kennedy of and even Antoinette Conway of - we still saw the deeply guarded corners of their minds, the broken parts of themselves they tried to hide away, the little bits that made them tick - and through understanding we could come to grudgingly liking or at least accepting the person underneath the carefully cultivated veneer.
鈥淭he thing is, I suppose,鈥� he said, 鈥渢hat one gets into the habit of being oneself. It takes some great upheaval to crack that shell and force us to discover what else might be underneath.鈥�
鈥淚t honestly wasn鈥檛 that I looked down on them, ever鈥擨 loved them, I wanted them to have every good thing in the world鈥攋ust that I was aware, in the back of my mind, that if they were to compare their lives with mine, mine would come out on top.鈥�
鈥淭he thing I couldn鈥檛 bear wasn鈥檛 burglars or blows to the head, wasn鈥檛 anything I could beat or evade or set up defenses against; it was myself, whatever that had become.鈥�
鈥淚t should have felt even more horrifying this way鈥攖argeted, stalked, hunted down鈥攂ut it didn鈥檛. If they had come after me specifically, for something I鈥檇 done or something I had, then I wasn鈥檛 just roadkill, not just some object to be mown down because it happened to be in their way: I was real, a person; I had been the crucial factor at the heart of the whole thing, rather than a meaningless irrelevance to be ignored, tossed aside. And if I was a person within all this, then I could do something about it.鈥�
鈥淢aybe this is why I still consider myself a lucky person: now more than ever, I can鈥檛 afford not to. If I鈥檝e realized nothing else, you see, in the long strange time since that April night, I鈥檝e realized this: I used to believe that luck was a thing outside me, a thing that governed only what did and didn鈥檛 happen to me; the speeding car that swerved just in time, the perfect apartment that came on the market the same week I went looking. I believed that if I were to lose my luck I would be losing a thing separate from myself, fancy phone, expensive watch, something valuable but in the end far from indispensable; I took for granted that without it I would still be me, just with a broken arm and no south-facing windows. Now I think I was wrong. I think my luck was built into me, the keystone that cohered my bones, the golden thread that stitched together the secret tapestries of my DNA; I think it was the gem glittering at the fount of me, coloring everything I did and every word I said. And if somehow that has been excised from me, and if in fact I am still here without it, then what am I?鈥�