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244 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1965
Since childhood, I was afflicted with a sick hypersensitivity, and my imagination quickly turned everything into a memory, too quickly: sometimes one day was enough, or an interval of a few hours, or a routine change of place, for an everyday event with a lyrical value that I did not sense at the time, to become suddenly adorned with a radiant echo, the echo ordinarily reserved only for those memories which have been standing for many years in the powerful fixative of lyrical oblivion.
And that man wrapped in a caftan with the insane glow in his eyes, with his arms raised to heaven, that must be my lather, the sinful prophet, the false apostle.
“There are people who are born to be unhappy and to make others unhappy, who are the victims of celestial intrigues incomprehensible to us, guinea pigs tor the celestial machinery, rebels allotted the part of a rebel yet born � by the cruel logic of the celestial comedy � with their wings clipped. They are titans without the power of titans, dwarf-titans whose only greatness was given them in the form of a rigid dose of sensitivity that dissolves their trifling strength like alcohol. They follow their star, their sick sensibility, borne along by titanic plans and intentions, but then break like waves against the rocky banks at triviality.�
“There are people,� my father continued, “who are born to be unhappy and to make others unhappy, who are the victims of celestial intrigues incomprehensible to us, guinea pigs for the celestial machinery, rebels allotted the part of a rebel yet born- by the cruel logic of the celestial comedy- with their wings clipped. They are titans without the power of titans, dwarf-titans whose only greatness was given them in the form of a rigid dose of sensitivity that dissolves their trifling strength like alcohol. They follow their star, their sick sensibility, borne along by titanic plans and intentions, but then break like waves against the rocky banks of triviality. The height of the cruelty allotted them in lucidity, that awareness of their own limitations, that sick capacity for dissociation. I look at myself in the role forced on me by the heavens and by fate, conscious of my role at all times yet at the same time unable to resist it with the force of logic or will... Fortunately, as I said, this role is coming to an end...�Oddly fitting words from a disillusioned messiah; ones that might have ever-pressed behind the lips of Jesus—another Jew entranced by new modes of thinking and believing whilst yet unable (even unwilling) to abscond from all identification with established and eldritch covenants—ever-demanding their utterance, that the charade, whose grim end he'd evidently entirely foreseen, might at least be honestly acknowledged.
A month or so later he sent us a letter. He had tossed this letter, or rather a fragment of an envelope, from a sealed cattle car with a note asking the finder to to send it on to the marked address.There's more casually but carefully imparted brutality in this one unshielded glance than were the reality of that ghastly final transport portrayed in its entirety. Afterwards, when Andi puzzles over the interminably perduring absence of his father—deeming he was perhaps lost within his pursuit of book-finalizing knowledge, traipsing the continent and unwilling to be hampered by the quotidian demands of familial responsibility—the reader understands that the father, a ghostly visitor teasingly keeping just beyond sight from the seeking eyes of his dream-rheumy son, has become such a ghost in actuality: a figure, long dead, whose spirit, embalmed in the pretense of fully-committing to his wandering ways, will haunt his son to the end of his days. It's exquisitely, perfectly portrayed; and if the reader's heart isn't broken by the sustained sadness underlying both fact and fiction, said reader simply doesn't have one to be so fractured. It is in such subtle, supernal, sorcerous ways that Danilo Kiš performs his artist's craft.
� Ima ljudi� nastavi moj otac ,“koji su rođeni da budu nesrećni i da drugima čine nesreću, onih koje su žrtve nekih nebeskih, nama neshvatljivih mahinacija, zamorčići nebeske mehanike, buntovnici kojima je dodeljena uloga buntovnika, no koji su rođeni po okrutnoj logici nebeske komedije, sa posečenim krilima. Titani bez snage titana, mali kržljavi titančići kojima je od veličine data samo jedna okrutna doza osetljivosti u kojoj se kao u alkoholu rastvara njihova ništavna snaga. Oni idu za svojom zvezdom, za svojom bolesnom senzibilnošću, nošeni titanskim planovima i namerama, pa se razbijaju kao talasi o kamene hridi običnosti. Vrhunac pak, okrutnosti koja im je dodeljena jeste lucidnost, to saznanje sopstvenih granica, ta bolesna moć distance. Ja gledam sebe u ulozi koju su mi nametnula nebesa i sudbina, svestan u svakom trenutku svoje uloge, ali u isto vreme sasvim nemoćan da joj se suprotstavim snagom logike ili volje.�
„A naročito me uzbuđivala činjenica, koju sam nejasno naslućivao, da dok ja spavam, moje telo, pruženo u mekom krilu sna, prelazi prostore i daljine, uprkos svojoj nepokretnosti i uprkos snu, i u takvim trenucima nisam se bojao smrti, čak mi se činilo da je tom zanosnom brzinom kojom se moje telo pomera kroz prostor i vreme, ono oslobođeno smrti, da je, dakle, ta brzina i to pomeranje zapravo pobeda nad smrću i nad vremenom.�
„Sa slepim besom Prometeja i demijurga, moj otac nije priznavao daljinu imeđu zemlje i neba.�
„Otkako je genijalna figura mog oca nestala iz ove priče, iz ovog romana � sve se rastočilo, razuzdalo. Njegova moćna pojava, njegov autoritet, pa čak i njegovo ime, njegovi stalni rekviziti, bili su dovoljni da drže potku ove priče u čvrstim okvirima, tu priču koja vri kao grožđe u bačvama, tu priču u kojoj voće polako gnjije, izgaženo nogama, smrvljeno presom uspomena, opterećeno svojim sokovima i suncem. Sada su pak naprsli obruči, istočilo se vino priče, duša voća, i nema tog boga koji će ga vratiti u mešinu, koji će ga sabiti u priču, saliti u kristalu čašu.�
«Ci sono uomini» continuò mio padre «che sono nati per fare l’infelicità propria e altrui, vittime di macchinazioni celesti che non possiamo comprendere, cavie della meccanica celeste, ribelli ai quali è assegnata la parte di ribelli, ma che sono nati, per la crudele logica della commedia celeste, con le ali tagliate. Titani senza la forza dei titani, piccoli titanucci gracili che di grande hanno ricevuto solo una dose eccessiva di sensibilità nella quale la loro futile forza si scioglie come in alcol. Essi seguono la loro stella, la loro sensibilità malata, portati da progetti e da propositi titanici, e si infrangono come onde sugli scogli della banalità quotidiana. Ma la cosa più crudele riservata loro è la lucidità, la coscienza dei propri limiti, la dolorosa facoltà di distanziarsi. Io vedo me stesso nella parte impostami dai cieli e dal destino, consapevole di essa ad ogni istante, ma al tempo stesso assolutamente incapace di oppormi ad essa con la forza della logica e della volontà... Per fortuna, come ho detto, questa mia parte volge al termine...»