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424 pages, Hardcover
First published May 11, 2021
“Sometimes it feels like I didn’t even exist before that. Like you invented me.�
“I would rather have one tiny sliver of him forever than have all of him for just a moment and know I’d have to relinquish all of it when we were through.�
“Wherever you are, that’s where I belong. I’ll never belong anywhere like I belong with you.�
“Like I’d never been that girl who’d felt entirely alone, misunderstood, and I’d always been this one: known, loved, wholly accepted by Alex Nilsen.�
“I don’t think I knew I was lonely until I met you.�
“I’ve never really felt alone since I met you. I don’t think I’ll ever feel truly alone in this world again as long as you’re in it.�
“What if I want you to have what you want?� He arches an eyebrow. “Are you just saying that because you know what I’m going to say, and you want to make fun of me for it?� “No?� I say.
“Why? What are you going to say?�
Our hands go still between us. “I have what I want, Poppy.�
“I love him so much. I love him more than I did yesterday, and I already know tomorrow I’ll love him even more, because every piece of him he gives me is another to fall in love with.�
“You are, you know.�
“A fighter?� I say.
“My home,� he says, and kisses me. We are, I think. We’re home.
"You can love someone and still know the future you’d have with them wouldn’t work for you, or for them, or maybe even for both of you."
Maybe things can always get better between people who want to do a good job loving each other. Maybe that’s all it takes.
I wrote the last one mostly for me. This one’s for you.
“That crush of happiness, that feeling that this is what life’s about: being somewhere beautiful, with someone you love.�
“I love you all the way, Alex,� I say. “I couldn’t have lived with myself if I hadn’t at least told you.�
“I loved being in the city, surrounded by art and food and noise and new people, enough that the school part of it was bearable�
“Because no matter what makes all those people different, they’re all just trying to get somewhere, waiting to reach someone.�
Because I will never again feel as alone as I did during those long nights as a kid. As long as I have him, I will never be alone again.
“You’ve always been Poppy.�
“I’ve always felt like once someone sees me deep down, that’s it. There’s something ugly in there, or unlovable, and you’re the only person who’s ever made me feel like I’m okay.� His hand sweeps gently across my face, and I open my eyes, meet his head-on. “There’s nothing scarier than the chance that, once you really have all of me, that changes. But I want all of you, so I’m trying to be brave.�
“I’ve never really felt alone since I met you. I don’t think I’ll ever feel truly alien in this world again as long as you’re in it.�
“Im sorry for being so tall�
“I’m sorry for being so short�
“I like you short,� he says. “Never apologize for being short.�
“You are, you know.�
“A fighter?� I say.
�My home,� he says, and kisses me.
We are, I think. We’re home.
Maybe that’s why he can handle the public affection. Maybe, like me, when we’re together he feels like no one else is there, like they’re phantoms we dreamed up as set dressing.
Even if we never kissed, never said the words outright, we were keeping whole parts of our hearts for each other only