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344 pages, Paperback
First published October 3, 2017
鈥淒o you ever worry,鈥� she asked me, 鈥渢hat you鈥檙e the madwoman in the attic?鈥�
鈥淲e have never fucked with such urgency as we do in these weeks, but she is fading more and feeling less. She comes infrequently.鈥�
鈥� A wife, he says, should have no secrets from her husband.
鈥� I don鈥檛 have any secrets, I tell him.
鈥� The ribbon.
鈥� The ribbon is not a secret, it鈥檚 just mine.
鈥淚 choose this life,鈥� the prostitute says to the social worker. 鈥淚 do. Please put your energy into helping girls who aren鈥檛 here by choice.鈥� She is so right. She is murdered anyway.
"What is worse: being locked outside of your own mind, or being locked inside of it?" pg. 215
"A wife,鈥� he says, 鈥渟hould have no secrets from her husband.鈥�
鈥淚 don鈥檛 have any secrets,鈥� I tell him.
鈥淭he ribbon.鈥�
鈥淭he ribbon is not a secret; it鈥檚 just mine.鈥�
鈥淎 wife should have no secrets.鈥�
My nose grows hot. I do not want to cry.
鈥淲hy do you want to hide it from me?鈥�
鈥淚鈥檓 not hiding it. It just isn鈥檛 yours.鈥� pg. 24
鈥淚 drank water and set up my tent and began to make lists. Every teacher beginning with preschool. Every job I鈥檝e ever had. Every home I鈥檝e ever lived in. Every person I鈥檝e ever loved. Every person who has probably loved me. Next week, I will be thirty. The sand is blowing into my mouth, my hair, the center crevice of my notebook, and the sea is choppy and gray. Beyond it, I can see the cottage, a speck on the far shore. I keep thinking I can see the virus blooming on the horizon like a sunrise. I realize the world will continue to turn, even with no people on it. Maybe it will go a little faster.鈥� pg. 48
I have heard all of the stories about girls like me, and I am unafraid to make more of them.
"Why do you want to hide it from me?"
"I'm not hiding it. It just isn't yours."
There was no way for me to tell her that we are so close, we are so close, please don't do this now, we are so fucking close.
Soon, I'll be nothing more, too. None of us will make it to the end.
"You are unwanted," I say.
"Do you ever listen to yourself? This is crazy, that is crazy, everything is crazy to you. By whose measure?"