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First published November 3, 2020
She had given me to another woman to bring up, and yet I had remained her daughter. I will be forever.
She roused in me an inextricable knot of tenderness and revulsion...
My mother occupied me inside, true and fierce. She remained in large part unknown: I never penetrated the mystery of her hidden affection.
I have a photograph of the two of us, in love, looking at each other, Piero with the laurel on his head, eyes of devotion. At the edge of the frame Adriana appears: she entered the shot at the last moment, and her image is blurry, her hair draws a brown wake. She has never been tactful, she interjects herself into everything that has to do with me as if it were hers, including Piero. For her he wasn't very different from a brother, but nice. My sister is laughing blithely at the lens, ignorant of what was to come for us.
As children we were inseparable, then we had learned to lose each other. She could leave me without news of herself for months, but it had never been this long. She seemed to obey a nomadic instinct: when a place no longer suited her, she abandoned it. Every so often our mother said to her: you're a Gypsy. Later I was, too, in another way.
I don't know when I lost her, where our intimacy was stranded. I can't trace it to a precise moment, a decisive episode, a quarrel. We only surrendered to distance, or maybe it was what we were secretly looking for: repose, shaking each other off.