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256 pages, Paperback
First published October 3, 2017
L o n e
He crossed deserts and forded rivers, climbed mountains and traversed plains. He ate fish and prairie dogs, slept on moss and sand, skinned caribou and iguanas. His face became wrinkled by many summers and furrowed by many winters. His hands, burned and frostbitten year after year, were crossed and recrossed with lines and creases. Once, he saw the ocean, but turned around immediately, thinking there would be settlements along the coastline. Whenever he stopped, it was at an inhospitable location--never in a meadow, by a water source, or in a plentiful spot--barely pitching camp and seldom making fires. It was dead quiet in his mind. He rarely thought of anything that was not at hand. Years vanished under a weightless present.
"They travelled on westward, mostly in silence. Now and then, however, they would look at each other from their horses and smile fleetingly. No one had ever smiled at Håkan like that, for no reason. It felt good. After a while, he learned to smile back. Every evening, when they bivouacked, as they built a fire and made dinner, he found it almost miraculous to be seen by someone, to be in someone's brain, to reside in someone's consciousness."
After securing a few pieces of leather and tarpaulin to the protruding structure, he climbed down into the hole to inspect the results. To his complete bewilderment, on one of the walls he saw an image of the sun setting amongst the treetops-upside down. A perfect picture of the world outside the hole. In lifelike colors. And it moved. The trees swayed ; birds flew by; the sun continued its descending course. Upward. It felt like someone else's hallucination; as if someone, far away, were dreaming up that place (wrong side up), and Håkan, for some reason, were able to look into that dream.
But although he had spent the greatest part of his life in those prairies, deserts, and mountains, he was still unable to feel that they were his own. After thousands of nights under those same stars, he woke up as many thousands of mornings under that same sun and trudged for as many thousands of days under the same sky, always feeling out of place. That land - its beasts and plants - had fed him for such a long time that it had become, in a strict sense, part of his body. If Lorimer was right, the vastness around him was now his flesh. And yet, nothing - not the countless footsteps taken or knowledge acquired, not the adversaries bested or the friends made, not the love felt or the blood shed - had made it his. Except for his brother, there was little he missed about his Swedish childhood, but sometimes he thought that the brief period (which, compared to the long and eventful years that had followed it, was so short that he had yielded to the illusion of believing that he could remember every single day spent at the farm since he was old enough to be aware of his surroundings) was like a pinhole in the unending expanse, and everything - the plains, the mountains, the cañons, the salt flats, the forests - had drained down through it. Immense as they were, those territories had never held him or embraced him - not even when he dug into the ground and found shelter in the earth's bosom. Anyone he met, including children, had, in his eyes, more right to be in that land than he did. Nothing was his; nothing claimed him. He had gone into the wilderness with the intention of coming out on the other end. That he had stopped trying did not mean that this was now his place.
"The hole, a broken star on the ice, was the only interruption on the white plain merging into thee white sky. No wind, no life, no sound."
"But the blinding light coming from the ground was unlike anything else, and this strangeness confirmed its reality. More than a glare, it looked like a frozen blast, a detonation suspended in its flashing climax. The sharp whiteness cut through his eyes. As he approached that silent constant explosion in the sand, Hakan realized it was somewhat elevated, although it was hard to look at straight on. A few moments later, he reached the blaze. It was the mirror on the open door of a massive wardrobe. The large trunk was beached on its back, disemboweled, and the open door hung from its hinges at an angle. He was impressed by the dresser's craftsmanship--sensuous spirals and scrolls, lifelike paws and claws, plump cherubim and flowers. It was the softest thing he had touched during his long trip through the porous, pumice-like desert."