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The PDA Paradox
Diagnosed with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) in his teenage years, Harry Thompson looks back with wit and humour at the ups and downs of family and romantic relationships, school, work and mental health, as well as his teenage struggle with drugs and alcohol. By embracing neurodiversity and emphasising that autistic people are not flawed human beings, Thompson demonstrates that some merely need to take the "scenic route" in order to flourish and reach their full potential. The memoir brings to life Harry's past experiences and feelings, from his torrid time at school to the peaceful and meaningful moments when he is alone with a book, writing or creating YouTube videos. Eloquent and insightful, The PDA Paradox will bring readers to shock, laughter and tears through its overwhelming honesty. It is a turbulent memoir, but it ends with hope and a positive outlook to the future.
184 pages, Paperback
First published February 21, 2019
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 42 reviews
November 1, 2019
It was OK. It was not amazing, although with some editing and maybe some structure it could have been better.
I learned about another way of being autistic (one that is completely opposite to my way of being) and about the things that privileged people can get away with - by privileged I mean British white males from wealthy families.
Read this book and then imagine how things would have gone for the same person with PDA who had only one inverted value for these "labels". What would have happened if it was a female? Or a non-Caucasian person? Or someone with fewer resources? Would they have been bullied, punished, beaten by their families and entourage? By their teachers? By their "friends". What if they lived in a less "developed" country, where autism isn't even recognized and there are no special and independent schools for kids who don't fit in the general school system. I'm pretty sure you know the answer to this or can imagine.
What I'm trying to say is that, while it may be entertaining to read about a person deliberately destroying their own lives because they think they can't control themselves (although the author does state that by now he has some systems in place that help him stay safe, mindfulness and meditation being those mentioned), there is no real lesson learned here about PDA, about autism, about any way to manage either and to have a decent life (both for the person involved and those around). There's only a telling of the very stupid decisions of a teenager who could know better because he has the intellect and resources for it (and who, in any other setting, would have been held responsible for his own actions).
I don't know if I should recommend this book to anyone. On the one hand, I would because there are too few first-person accounts of what it's like to be autistic in a complex world. On the other hand, I wouldn't because it doesn't paint the picture of a responsible human whom I'd like to give as an example to other humans. The entertainment value is really low (more cringe-worthy than anything), so I wouldn't recommend it for that. You decide for yourself. It's short enough anyway.
I learned about another way of being autistic (one that is completely opposite to my way of being) and about the things that privileged people can get away with - by privileged I mean British white males from wealthy families.
Read this book and then imagine how things would have gone for the same person with PDA who had only one inverted value for these "labels". What would have happened if it was a female? Or a non-Caucasian person? Or someone with fewer resources? Would they have been bullied, punished, beaten by their families and entourage? By their teachers? By their "friends". What if they lived in a less "developed" country, where autism isn't even recognized and there are no special and independent schools for kids who don't fit in the general school system. I'm pretty sure you know the answer to this or can imagine.
What I'm trying to say is that, while it may be entertaining to read about a person deliberately destroying their own lives because they think they can't control themselves (although the author does state that by now he has some systems in place that help him stay safe, mindfulness and meditation being those mentioned), there is no real lesson learned here about PDA, about autism, about any way to manage either and to have a decent life (both for the person involved and those around). There's only a telling of the very stupid decisions of a teenager who could know better because he has the intellect and resources for it (and who, in any other setting, would have been held responsible for his own actions).
I don't know if I should recommend this book to anyone. On the one hand, I would because there are too few first-person accounts of what it's like to be autistic in a complex world. On the other hand, I wouldn't because it doesn't paint the picture of a responsible human whom I'd like to give as an example to other humans. The entertainment value is really low (more cringe-worthy than anything), so I wouldn't recommend it for that. You decide for yourself. It's short enough anyway.
November 15, 2023
This portrayal of PDA and neurodivergence, while I'm sure authentic to the author, felt uncomfortable for me. It is written from a privileged perspective of white middle-class Western maleness, which is only sporadically and partially acknowledged. There is little-to-no acknowledgement of the way the author's behaviour hurt those around him, with the result that it feels like he is using his neurotype to excuse what seems to amount not just to "troublemaking" but bullying. As a neurodivergent person from a different background who was frequently on the receiving end of the sort of "bad behaviour" he describes, this did not help me and is not really a portrayal of PDA that I would want people around me to think of.
August 16, 2021
I listened on audible and the narrator Elliot Chapman does an excellent performance sounding very like Harry Thompson himself (as seen on his YouTube channel.)
This book was very helpful to me as the mom of a newly diagnosed autistic son who
very likely has Pathological Demand Avoidance (which is fundamentally an anxiety-driven need for control and a subset of behaviors specifically pertaining to autism.) Unfortunately it’s not an official diagnosis in the US.
Harry’s insights, wisdom and humor make it an enjoyable book. It reminds me a bit of the beatnik era books, as Harry is quite adventurous and was given many and desperate opportunities by his parents and also via his own sometimes outlandish choices such as his short-lived experiment with military school.
Harry’s self-described negative behaviors in schools (OMG did he really pee on the classroom bunnies?) were much more outlandish than my son’s but the reasons for his behaviors very likely similar.
I also gleaned some wisdom for myself as someone who has ADHD and is highly sensitive, particularly from his final chapter about managing emotions with mindfulness and self-acceptance.
I feel Harry’s memoir would be helpful to teachers in understanding what is going on inside extremely bright kids who sabotage themselves as well as the classroom culture and cannot necessarily articulate why. It is a great example of how behavior functions as communication and highlights the value of trying to find out why behaviors are occurring rather than simply trying to fix them with behavioral modification techniques-which, it turns out, is not particularly effective or beneficial for autistic people, particularly if they have PDA.
I really appreciate Harry’s willingness to be vulnerable in order to illuminate some of the inner turmoil of having PDA. Some of the reviews I’ve seen have been pretty heartless. I hope it is also resulting in greater empathy.
This book was very helpful to me as the mom of a newly diagnosed autistic son who
very likely has Pathological Demand Avoidance (which is fundamentally an anxiety-driven need for control and a subset of behaviors specifically pertaining to autism.) Unfortunately it’s not an official diagnosis in the US.
Harry’s insights, wisdom and humor make it an enjoyable book. It reminds me a bit of the beatnik era books, as Harry is quite adventurous and was given many and desperate opportunities by his parents and also via his own sometimes outlandish choices such as his short-lived experiment with military school.
Harry’s self-described negative behaviors in schools (OMG did he really pee on the classroom bunnies?) were much more outlandish than my son’s but the reasons for his behaviors very likely similar.
I also gleaned some wisdom for myself as someone who has ADHD and is highly sensitive, particularly from his final chapter about managing emotions with mindfulness and self-acceptance.
I feel Harry’s memoir would be helpful to teachers in understanding what is going on inside extremely bright kids who sabotage themselves as well as the classroom culture and cannot necessarily articulate why. It is a great example of how behavior functions as communication and highlights the value of trying to find out why behaviors are occurring rather than simply trying to fix them with behavioral modification techniques-which, it turns out, is not particularly effective or beneficial for autistic people, particularly if they have PDA.
I really appreciate Harry’s willingness to be vulnerable in order to illuminate some of the inner turmoil of having PDA. Some of the reviews I’ve seen have been pretty heartless. I hope it is also resulting in greater empathy.
November 16, 2021
I really enjoyed this book. It helps that my mind works in similar ways to Harry. I was able to follow his entertwining paths through various stories and ideas. If you like straightforward stories with few tangents, this book is not for you. If you like a simple vocabulary that doesn't require a dictionary, this book is not for you. Otherwise, do read on.
Harry Thompson is a young man who is autistic and also has PDA and ADHD. He wasn't diagnosed until a teenager so he spent a good 15 years not quite sure why life didn't make sense. This is a story about his struggles with school, work and relationships. He never claims to speak for all those who share his diagnoses, he merely wishes to give us a glimpse into his own mind and how he found a way to make peace with a neurotypical world. As someone who has a lot of experience with autism and some experience with PDA (a daughter), he doesn't really help me with specifics, but I feel like it was worth reading his story anyway. My daughter likes the fact that she can relate to Harry in places. I just wish there was a better way of supporting her with school. But seeing that Harry has made it out the other side of the school system has given us hope. School isn't the be all and end all of life.
So if you are looking for insight into autism, this gives you some understanding. I think it's worth the read.
Harry Thompson is a young man who is autistic and also has PDA and ADHD. He wasn't diagnosed until a teenager so he spent a good 15 years not quite sure why life didn't make sense. This is a story about his struggles with school, work and relationships. He never claims to speak for all those who share his diagnoses, he merely wishes to give us a glimpse into his own mind and how he found a way to make peace with a neurotypical world. As someone who has a lot of experience with autism and some experience with PDA (a daughter), he doesn't really help me with specifics, but I feel like it was worth reading his story anyway. My daughter likes the fact that she can relate to Harry in places. I just wish there was a better way of supporting her with school. But seeing that Harry has made it out the other side of the school system has given us hope. School isn't the be all and end all of life.
So if you are looking for insight into autism, this gives you some understanding. I think it's worth the read.
November 23, 2021
Disappointing. Masterbatory really. While changing the world to accept neurodiversity is wonderful, this author instead has decided the world should revolve around him. I tried but couldn't get much past his griping about how insensitive his father was who did his laundry for him. And then his thoughts on school are just hateful. It's just not realistic or healthy.
October 16, 2020
Great Inner look at PDA
My daughter was diagnosed with PDA and ADHD this year and this book was invaluable to seeing behind the mask she already wears to face the world at 11 years old. She’s a beautiful, intelligent and kind soul. Harry has helped me slow down and see her when she is going a million miles an hour.
My daughter was diagnosed with PDA and ADHD this year and this book was invaluable to seeing behind the mask she already wears to face the world at 11 years old. She’s a beautiful, intelligent and kind soul. Harry has helped me slow down and see her when she is going a million miles an hour.
December 16, 2020
I picked this up to get a better understanding of PDA. I’m not sure that I came away much more informed. As they say, if you meet one person on the autism spectrum, you’ve met ONE person on the spectrum. Harry is extremely extroverted and his history is clouded by heavy drug and alcohol use. This story may be helpful for someone who relates more to Harry but I found the reading heavy going.
November 21, 2021
I was hanging on Harry’s every word. What an insight this has given me into my own child. I truly hope my whole family reads it now so that they can begin to understand the life we lead and most importantly our son lives. So many similarities. Harry says it how it is. He’s funny too. Wish I’d read it years ago.
February 11, 2021
There are not that many publications on PDA written by adults who have been diagnosed with it. So it was great to discover this book. Harry’s personal account - warts and all
- of his journey so far with PDA was informative, fascinating, at times very funny and at times brutally honest. Clearly more awareness and recognition of PDA is needed but Harry’s story allowed me, despite all the challenges someone with PDA faces to be more optimistic about the future
- of his journey so far with PDA was informative, fascinating, at times very funny and at times brutally honest. Clearly more awareness and recognition of PDA is needed but Harry’s story allowed me, despite all the challenges someone with PDA faces to be more optimistic about the future
April 6, 2019
Reading this book was to me, akin to peering into a mirror. Every symptom of PDA is something I have struggled with in life, and in retrospect it's a shame to discover it in my mid thirties. However, it does give me hope for the future as I now have a platform in which to steer my personality in a more positive and productive way.
August 9, 2021
Great book (very funny!) but a bit unrelatable since he's definitely from a privileged background. Other people with this condition might have had very different experiences and a lot less help. Still, a good read.
June 17, 2024
5 stars as a memoir, 3 stars as a book about PDA, so I split the difference. It’s helped me understand the perspective of my loved ones with PDA, but I wish there were more conversation around data, studies, etc. I know PDA - especially in adults - is criminally understudied, but there are some data floating around. If I think of it as a memoir, it’s not a big deal. But the title leads one to think there’s more here. Overall, enjoyably written and I would absolutely recommend it, but don’t come to it hoping for science, strategies, or much actionable advice.
July 27, 2020
In China, the UK, and the USA, one can get CoViD, but if you live in the UK, you can also be diagnosed with PDA which a USian cannot. What kind of disease is only available in select locations?
PDA is short for Pathological Demand Avoidance and is considered (in Britain, at least) part of the Autism spectrum. If it's still not clear, one with PDA finds it difficult or impossible to submit to what is experienced as a demand (even if it might be meant as a request or a suggestion). As you might guess, this is the kind of diagnosis that explains to a parent why their child refuses to obey, replacing the label of stubborn, recalcitrant, or naughty, and in the process removes the blame the child would be given and indicates that punishment is the wrong solution.
Harry Thompson, who can claim PDA among his diagnoses, tells us that it has a neurological basis and is independent of one's past experience. Nature not nurture. The demand to see it this way is one I am (pathologically?) resisting so I googled and found no compelling evidence but much cultural agreement. We want to leave behind the previous cultural agreement that Autism was caused by "refrigerator mothers" (i.e. bad nurture) but I am resistant to the demands of cultural agreements in general. I think Harry would understand this impulse of mine.
Harry says he resists labels: "To brand oneself with restrictive labels is to ultimately restrict oneself altogether." but he bows to the tyranny of neurodeterminism, a word I just made up to mean the reduction of who a person is to their brain. At least he starts off that way but later on he says: "The person doing the labelling [British spelling] may be oblivious to the fact that it’s the very environment which is holding these symptoms in place." He recognizes that all his language--the whole book we're reading--exists in a context. Even the diagnosis PDA is an expedient that can be tossed aside when in his "natural habitat" and he simply becomes "a person expressing himself in the way he feels most competent, in an environment he feels most comfortable."
Most of us, when we're born, experience the world as something we're eager to join. We don't question our culture or our gender but feel we belong in it, pushing away any doubts. Others, though we know it's the only game in town, remain hesitant or suspicious. I always imagined autism as an outright refusal, fleeing sensory input, rejecting even language, with the so-called treatments being ways to force it on the child "for their own good." Seen this way, all autism is PDAish.
For Freud, it's all with that failure of contentment resulting in neurosis. Harry imagines some kind of environment that he doesn't need to rebel against, but is that really possible?
Perhaps we don't need to address each other in the form of demands. Marshall Rosenberg suggests this solution in . Meanwhile, others manage their intimacy by artificially creating environments of demand and submission, known as BDSM.
I, diagnosed normal, find much of Harry's ways of thinking perfectly understandable, even though he describes his brain as radically different from that of normal people in the context of this book. I agree with Harry that what we're dealing with are not really disorders but differing ways of being human. All psychological pathologies are social constructs anyway. The formulation of this one in particular as pathological from the standpoint of a presumed normal point of view is unfortunate but predictable, and yet I still can see PDA as a useful classification that will resonate with those to whom it applies and their care-givers, as long as we recognize its not a disease.
Even the demands of writing a book seem to have been a challenge for him and somewhere after the first half, he sort of relaxes and decides to just say whatever he feels like, though politely so we can avoid being triggered by the demand of his point of view. Then he has his mother write an ending to transition us gently back into the "normal" world. I have to wonder what his father, a. k. a. "the beast", would have said on this occasion.
He often chooses some infrequently used words when more common ones would do; e.g. lachrymose, adamantine, vicissitude; which read autodidact to me, or maybe Asperger. I have to wonder how someone less intelligent with the same underlying "kind of mind" would have made it through the kind of situations that Harry has had to live through. I also wonder if he has "aged out" of those meltdowns he documents. Aren't the late teens the age when males are statistically the most violent?
Note: If you can't tolerate the demands of reading an actual book--you could always watch some of Harry's youtube videos. There's a large overlap of stories between this book and what he has uploaded to the internet.
PDA is short for Pathological Demand Avoidance and is considered (in Britain, at least) part of the Autism spectrum. If it's still not clear, one with PDA finds it difficult or impossible to submit to what is experienced as a demand (even if it might be meant as a request or a suggestion). As you might guess, this is the kind of diagnosis that explains to a parent why their child refuses to obey, replacing the label of stubborn, recalcitrant, or naughty, and in the process removes the blame the child would be given and indicates that punishment is the wrong solution.
Harry Thompson, who can claim PDA among his diagnoses, tells us that it has a neurological basis and is independent of one's past experience. Nature not nurture. The demand to see it this way is one I am (pathologically?) resisting so I googled and found no compelling evidence but much cultural agreement. We want to leave behind the previous cultural agreement that Autism was caused by "refrigerator mothers" (i.e. bad nurture) but I am resistant to the demands of cultural agreements in general. I think Harry would understand this impulse of mine.
Harry says he resists labels: "To brand oneself with restrictive labels is to ultimately restrict oneself altogether." but he bows to the tyranny of neurodeterminism, a word I just made up to mean the reduction of who a person is to their brain. At least he starts off that way but later on he says: "The person doing the labelling [British spelling] may be oblivious to the fact that it’s the very environment which is holding these symptoms in place." He recognizes that all his language--the whole book we're reading--exists in a context. Even the diagnosis PDA is an expedient that can be tossed aside when in his "natural habitat" and he simply becomes "a person expressing himself in the way he feels most competent, in an environment he feels most comfortable."
Most of us, when we're born, experience the world as something we're eager to join. We don't question our culture or our gender but feel we belong in it, pushing away any doubts. Others, though we know it's the only game in town, remain hesitant or suspicious. I always imagined autism as an outright refusal, fleeing sensory input, rejecting even language, with the so-called treatments being ways to force it on the child "for their own good." Seen this way, all autism is PDAish.
For Freud, it's all with that failure of contentment resulting in neurosis. Harry imagines some kind of environment that he doesn't need to rebel against, but is that really possible?
Perhaps we don't need to address each other in the form of demands. Marshall Rosenberg suggests this solution in . Meanwhile, others manage their intimacy by artificially creating environments of demand and submission, known as BDSM.
I, diagnosed normal, find much of Harry's ways of thinking perfectly understandable, even though he describes his brain as radically different from that of normal people in the context of this book. I agree with Harry that what we're dealing with are not really disorders but differing ways of being human. All psychological pathologies are social constructs anyway. The formulation of this one in particular as pathological from the standpoint of a presumed normal point of view is unfortunate but predictable, and yet I still can see PDA as a useful classification that will resonate with those to whom it applies and their care-givers, as long as we recognize its not a disease.
Even the demands of writing a book seem to have been a challenge for him and somewhere after the first half, he sort of relaxes and decides to just say whatever he feels like, though politely so we can avoid being triggered by the demand of his point of view. Then he has his mother write an ending to transition us gently back into the "normal" world. I have to wonder what his father, a. k. a. "the beast", would have said on this occasion.
He often chooses some infrequently used words when more common ones would do; e.g. lachrymose, adamantine, vicissitude; which read autodidact to me, or maybe Asperger. I have to wonder how someone less intelligent with the same underlying "kind of mind" would have made it through the kind of situations that Harry has had to live through. I also wonder if he has "aged out" of those meltdowns he documents. Aren't the late teens the age when males are statistically the most violent?
Note: If you can't tolerate the demands of reading an actual book--you could always watch some of Harry's youtube videos. There's a large overlap of stories between this book and what he has uploaded to the internet.
March 30, 2024
Tiny bits of insight scattered throughout a self indulgent retelling of a privileged rich, white, British man's youth. How he somehow managed to be aware of the times he behaved poorly due to his PDA, yet completely unable to empathize with the people he treated poorly, or even understand that he harmed people at all, was kind of surprising.
He literally says, of a night when he and his bros got high and drunk, then committed petty crimes before driving around drunk for hours, that it was fine because nobody got hurt.
He let his drunk friends break things at his retail job before getting drunk with them, while still on shift, and then giving away hundreds of dollars worth of clothing. And then tried to come at the managers for their incompetency when they fired him.
Years later he tells off a manager at his job after being reprimanded for being super rude to a customer, by saying that he had spent years on the road barely surviving so he didn't deal with entitled people very well. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 Says the kid that went to at least three different private schools before CHOOSING to become a nomad and live in a homeless shelter because the other people there (that he calls prostitutes) have "really lived".
Don't bother with this book if you're interested in learning about PDA.
He literally says, of a night when he and his bros got high and drunk, then committed petty crimes before driving around drunk for hours, that it was fine because nobody got hurt.
He let his drunk friends break things at his retail job before getting drunk with them, while still on shift, and then giving away hundreds of dollars worth of clothing. And then tried to come at the managers for their incompetency when they fired him.
Years later he tells off a manager at his job after being reprimanded for being super rude to a customer, by saying that he had spent years on the road barely surviving so he didn't deal with entitled people very well. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 Says the kid that went to at least three different private schools before CHOOSING to become a nomad and live in a homeless shelter because the other people there (that he calls prostitutes) have "really lived".
Don't bother with this book if you're interested in learning about PDA.
March 1, 2019
Incredibly well written memoir that describes the life & deep internal world of Harry, coming of age, with pathological demand avoidance. I’d recommend this to anyone who wishes to more deeply understand this complicated and often hard to understand condition.
The book also has more far reaching implications about how we as a society need to better understand, support, and appreciate the neurodiverse, who our world is so desperately in need of.
This book was funny at times, painfully honest, and I tore through it in 2 sittings.
The book also has more far reaching implications about how we as a society need to better understand, support, and appreciate the neurodiverse, who our world is so desperately in need of.
This book was funny at times, painfully honest, and I tore through it in 2 sittings.
March 4, 2020
Into the mind of PDA
This was a fantastic book. Harry has done a fantastic job of allowing us to enter his thoughts and see how he views the world. It has helped me to view my son differently and hopefully in a small way to see how he interprets the world.
This book also shows you what you can see and achieve if you just let yourself. What Harry has done in such a short space of time is mind boggling and left me breathless!
This was a fantastic book. Harry has done a fantastic job of allowing us to enter his thoughts and see how he views the world. It has helped me to view my son differently and hopefully in a small way to see how he interprets the world.
This book also shows you what you can see and achieve if you just let yourself. What Harry has done in such a short space of time is mind boggling and left me breathless!
August 15, 2022
Forward, honest and enlightening. I blitzed this one and it felt so good. Great lens offered through Harry; had me questioning the use of labels and perspective-taking and empathize with young peoples experiences and my own.
July 8, 2021
Self-indulgent. I was hoping to gain more in an insight into the condition but, instead, I felt like I witnessed a lot of privilege.
October 24, 2024
This book has so many well-worded statements that I kept wanting to jot down for a quotation. The author has a great talent for phrasing and a high vocabulary. Unfortunately, there are also many instances of swearing and bad words which are written with asterisks *** rather than spelled out. I appreciated this. I also appreciate how the author addresses the 'dear reader' very politely and respectfully. Overall, I enjoyed reading it.
This book covers the author's life from early childhood to adulthood. He was diagnosed with ADHD at age 13. Since that didn't explain a lot, he was diagnosed with Asperger's at age 14. There was still something unexplained. He was finally diagnosed with PDA as an adult.
Content considerations: aside from language mentioned above, he gets into smoking, alcohol, street drugs, and does quite a lot of objectionable things.
I generally rate a book with this much objectionable material at two stars. I'm rounding up to three because I like the good stuff in the book and the quotes.
So, here are a bunch of quotes:
[Gratitude is] "about feeling genuine and organic appreciation for something that brightens up one's life even if for the briefest of moments" p. 18
"But being delighted is not the same as being grateful; one must acknowledge the source of that about which one is delighted and express due appreciation." P. 19
"Some PDA children may even bestir themselves and try to reach the standard (since being themselves is not an option), but this would be exhausting and may give rise to further complications.
PDA is often described as an 'anxiety-driven need to remain in control'." P. 23
"When revisiting one's distant past by means of memory, one must always ensure that the veracity of what one recalls is confirmed by other conscious beings who were also there at the time." P. 27
"I think the role of a (PDA) parent should be to learn to trust in their child and facilitate their life by granting them the space and freedom required for them to gravitate towards what is right for them and what works for them." P. 35
"I lost it because I secretly longed for him to see and feel the pain in me, and to empathise with my struggles of growing up in a world that often left me feeling confused, angry and, above all, lonely." P. 41
"I'd been tricked into believing that my worth could only be validated by others" p. 66
"'Is it done yet?' could potentially set me back a week or so. But on a good day, this would be a perfectly harmless question that I'd be more than happy to answer. So, PDA isn't solely about demand avoidance, as it really depends on the PDAer's anxiety levels at any given moment." P. 80
"In order to successfully eliminate, or at least reduce outbursts or meltdowns one must make sufficient efforts to minimise anxiety levels before anything else. When anxiety is heightened the likelihood of being triggered, and potentially having a meltdown, is increased.
The autistic meltdown is analogous to an epileptic fit in that once it starts it cannot be stopped, and any onlookers must stand back and wait for it to pass. Any attempts from parents or other people to guilt-trip or condemn the autistic person at this point is futile. A meltdown is a physiological response to overstimulation. The system desperately trying to purge itself of anything toxic, overwhelming or unwanted." P. 81
"'Wow, you can really tell you have ADHD by how you are able to keep up with a conversation that bounces from one subject to another at such a rapid pace.' After a brief moment of cogitation, I replied: 'Isn't it interesting how when people like you or I are at school, we are the ones who supposedly have a 'disorder'? If there happened to be someone present for our conversation who happened to be 'neurotypical', would they really struggle to keep up? And if so would that make them the 'disabled' ones, just like we are in certain situations '?" Pp. 117-118
"I knew then, after being let go from that job, that if I am to work for someone else, I can either do it their way and become depressed, or do it my way and get fired." P. 160
"I see life as a bit like waterskiing: the boat represents time, we are not in control of it and its engine will start and move the boat forward no matter what. How we respond to being moved forward is up to us. We are sat in the water behind the boat gripping a rope attached to the boat; waiting for life to begin. When the boat eventually starts we will either try to use the momentum of the boat to hoist ourselves upright so that we can ski behind it, or we can be dragged along in the water with our faces being pummeled with backwash." P. 180
This book covers the author's life from early childhood to adulthood. He was diagnosed with ADHD at age 13. Since that didn't explain a lot, he was diagnosed with Asperger's at age 14. There was still something unexplained. He was finally diagnosed with PDA as an adult.
Content considerations: aside from language mentioned above, he gets into smoking, alcohol, street drugs, and does quite a lot of objectionable things.
I generally rate a book with this much objectionable material at two stars. I'm rounding up to three because I like the good stuff in the book and the quotes.
So, here are a bunch of quotes:
[Gratitude is] "about feeling genuine and organic appreciation for something that brightens up one's life even if for the briefest of moments" p. 18
"But being delighted is not the same as being grateful; one must acknowledge the source of that about which one is delighted and express due appreciation." P. 19
"Some PDA children may even bestir themselves and try to reach the standard (since being themselves is not an option), but this would be exhausting and may give rise to further complications.
PDA is often described as an 'anxiety-driven need to remain in control'." P. 23
"When revisiting one's distant past by means of memory, one must always ensure that the veracity of what one recalls is confirmed by other conscious beings who were also there at the time." P. 27
"I think the role of a (PDA) parent should be to learn to trust in their child and facilitate their life by granting them the space and freedom required for them to gravitate towards what is right for them and what works for them." P. 35
"I lost it because I secretly longed for him to see and feel the pain in me, and to empathise with my struggles of growing up in a world that often left me feeling confused, angry and, above all, lonely." P. 41
"I'd been tricked into believing that my worth could only be validated by others" p. 66
"'Is it done yet?' could potentially set me back a week or so. But on a good day, this would be a perfectly harmless question that I'd be more than happy to answer. So, PDA isn't solely about demand avoidance, as it really depends on the PDAer's anxiety levels at any given moment." P. 80
"In order to successfully eliminate, or at least reduce outbursts or meltdowns one must make sufficient efforts to minimise anxiety levels before anything else. When anxiety is heightened the likelihood of being triggered, and potentially having a meltdown, is increased.
The autistic meltdown is analogous to an epileptic fit in that once it starts it cannot be stopped, and any onlookers must stand back and wait for it to pass. Any attempts from parents or other people to guilt-trip or condemn the autistic person at this point is futile. A meltdown is a physiological response to overstimulation. The system desperately trying to purge itself of anything toxic, overwhelming or unwanted." P. 81
"'Wow, you can really tell you have ADHD by how you are able to keep up with a conversation that bounces from one subject to another at such a rapid pace.' After a brief moment of cogitation, I replied: 'Isn't it interesting how when people like you or I are at school, we are the ones who supposedly have a 'disorder'? If there happened to be someone present for our conversation who happened to be 'neurotypical', would they really struggle to keep up? And if so would that make them the 'disabled' ones, just like we are in certain situations '?" Pp. 117-118
"I knew then, after being let go from that job, that if I am to work for someone else, I can either do it their way and become depressed, or do it my way and get fired." P. 160
"I see life as a bit like waterskiing: the boat represents time, we are not in control of it and its engine will start and move the boat forward no matter what. How we respond to being moved forward is up to us. We are sat in the water behind the boat gripping a rope attached to the boat; waiting for life to begin. When the boat eventually starts we will either try to use the momentum of the boat to hoist ourselves upright so that we can ski behind it, or we can be dragged along in the water with our faces being pummeled with backwash." P. 180
March 20, 2023
This short memoir details the struggles of the author to find a place in the world after he was diagnosed with autism, ADHD, and PDA (pathological demand avoidance, although Thompson has elsewhere given it an alternative title of 'persistent demand for autonomy'). The book is structured roughly chronologically, although is written in a stream of consciousness style. The author doesn't describe PDA (or anything else) systematically, but instead gives illustrates of how he thinks with a series of instructive examples, largely based around his experiences in school, various workplaces, and during different types of relationships.
Thompson doesn't seem to mind portraying himself as dislikeable. He describes many instances where he puts other people in danger or is actively abusive, such as when he drives when drunk or on drugs, punches a boy in the face for asking why he went quiet during a period of anxiety, and pisses in the butter of a housemate. The author doesn't offer excuses for these episodes, but the way they are told- as engaging anecdotes, creates a sense that they should be seen as in some way praiseworthy- as expressions of freedom or as a refusal to follow rules. In this way, it isn't clear whether the author is emotionally honest, or alternatively, somewhat slippery in how they are presenting themselves (or perhaps both). For example, the anecdote of the boy who was punched in the face would have had a very different tone if it was told in a more straightforward fashion, and focused on how badly he was injured. It is noteworthy that Thompson comes from a wealthy background, which perhaps explains why the worst punishment described for any of his behaviour is to be expelled from a series of schools.
It would be wrong to criticism the book for being unsystematic, as it is not intended to be an analytic review of PDA, but it is a shame that Thompson's wider thoughts about autism and the school system are so shallow. At several points, he suggests that children should be allowed to 'find their own path', and criticises schools and workplaces for their authoritarianism. And these positions are entirely reasonable, of course. But disciplinary practices are not wholly unreasonable impositions. People need to be prevented from drink and drug driving, from punching other boys in the face, and so on. Maybe it is too much to expect from a memoir, but passages where the author gave his personal philosophy were too often just annoying.
The book is a success in describing a way of being autistic that is very rarely presented. In his description of himself, Thompson seems very charismatic and engaging, and chaotic in his lifestyle, although he seems to be pattern seeking in some respects. Furthermore, he acknowledges that he has a tendency to want to dominate conversations. There is little autistic representation of characters of this nature, making it an interesting example of representation, and a worthwhile read.
Thompson doesn't seem to mind portraying himself as dislikeable. He describes many instances where he puts other people in danger or is actively abusive, such as when he drives when drunk or on drugs, punches a boy in the face for asking why he went quiet during a period of anxiety, and pisses in the butter of a housemate. The author doesn't offer excuses for these episodes, but the way they are told- as engaging anecdotes, creates a sense that they should be seen as in some way praiseworthy- as expressions of freedom or as a refusal to follow rules. In this way, it isn't clear whether the author is emotionally honest, or alternatively, somewhat slippery in how they are presenting themselves (or perhaps both). For example, the anecdote of the boy who was punched in the face would have had a very different tone if it was told in a more straightforward fashion, and focused on how badly he was injured. It is noteworthy that Thompson comes from a wealthy background, which perhaps explains why the worst punishment described for any of his behaviour is to be expelled from a series of schools.
It would be wrong to criticism the book for being unsystematic, as it is not intended to be an analytic review of PDA, but it is a shame that Thompson's wider thoughts about autism and the school system are so shallow. At several points, he suggests that children should be allowed to 'find their own path', and criticises schools and workplaces for their authoritarianism. And these positions are entirely reasonable, of course. But disciplinary practices are not wholly unreasonable impositions. People need to be prevented from drink and drug driving, from punching other boys in the face, and so on. Maybe it is too much to expect from a memoir, but passages where the author gave his personal philosophy were too often just annoying.
The book is a success in describing a way of being autistic that is very rarely presented. In his description of himself, Thompson seems very charismatic and engaging, and chaotic in his lifestyle, although he seems to be pattern seeking in some respects. Furthermore, he acknowledges that he has a tendency to want to dominate conversations. There is little autistic representation of characters of this nature, making it an interesting example of representation, and a worthwhile read.
February 3, 2023
i dont know what i was expecting from someone who has pda but it wasn't this whirlwind of associative memory, either way i dont believe thats an excuse for this books complete lack of structure, even calling it a book is resentful for me as harry completely breaks the rules on how a book is supposed to be formatted (something i imagine he took pride in as he resents authority irrationally because of pda) its non structured, embraces random tangents reminiscent of a full on unfiltered stream of consciousness, very much reads like a freewriting assignment done in spurts of inspiration where the tone from one sentence or paragraph fluctuates incessantly in chaotic directions, virtually an accurate representation of what its like to completely lack an effective executive function paired with the adhd of intense and erratic emotions at different intervals.
Its only quality is the relatability it provides for other people on the spectrum and the elucidation it gives to those wanting to become more familiar with the minds innerworkings of someone who suffers from this crippling condition. The book starts off strong with a heavy tone in wit and self awareness, then harry proggresively loses concentration, goes off on more tangents than usual like he's just writing unwillingly and dreading it, he eventually starts writing a full on autobiography while completely losing the balance of his initial intention, which is educating, something done in a very layman like way filled with personally emotional and non professional opinions to begin with. an attempt at a more objective conjecture would have been appreciated even if non academic, its hard to take subjectively immersed opinions heaviliy tied to a personal narrative seriously in the broader discussion of the pda condition when a capacity to detach from this subjective experience is never shown.
Its only quality is the relatability it provides for other people on the spectrum and the elucidation it gives to those wanting to become more familiar with the minds innerworkings of someone who suffers from this crippling condition. The book starts off strong with a heavy tone in wit and self awareness, then harry proggresively loses concentration, goes off on more tangents than usual like he's just writing unwillingly and dreading it, he eventually starts writing a full on autobiography while completely losing the balance of his initial intention, which is educating, something done in a very layman like way filled with personally emotional and non professional opinions to begin with. an attempt at a more objective conjecture would have been appreciated even if non academic, its hard to take subjectively immersed opinions heaviliy tied to a personal narrative seriously in the broader discussion of the pda condition when a capacity to detach from this subjective experience is never shown.
Read
November 6, 2020There‘s been made a mistake. Harry William Thompson, the author of Penguins stopped play, and Harry Thompson, the author of PDA Paradox, isn’t one and the same person.
Harry W. Thompson died in 2005, however the author of this book is very much alive. Just 5 months ago he posted a video on youtube which is something no dead person, no matter how awesome, could have done. If you are a Librarian and you see this, please, correct this mistake. Thanks in advance.
***
There are books (blog posts/youtube videos) by autistic authors that teach the neurotypical reader that an autistic kid or teen may sometimes appear as a rude brat but who is in fact misunderstood and a victim of the neurotypical world (sensory overload, bullying, meltdowns etc.).
And then there are book written by authors, who are not only autistic themselves but are also obnoxious, annoying brats and they remain so even after legally reaching adulthood. Both at once! Yippee! (Though Harry probably was misunderstood during his life on more than one occassion. He demonstrates how it’s not mutually exclusive though.)
I know every single item on Santa’s naughty list regarding Harry Thompson yet I know next to nothing about the subject of my interest that is Pathological Demand Avoidance. The few facts � little in amount but precise in truth � seem to be drowned in the sea of Harry’s rants and shenanigans. (Though I admit his little stunt in the army ends rather hilariously.) What this book lacks is bolder editing, I mean he writes about alcohol so much more than he writes about PDA even when I take into account that alcohol and drugs are known self-medicating tools for neurodiverse peeps.
The publication is tedious, juvenile � writing big words to sound majestic and artsy yet saying very little of actual substance �, verbose and often veering of the path.
I, however, enjoy the irony of Harry swallowing drugs like a black hole but taking such a strong anti-Ritalin stance. I guess that may be one of the signs of PDA. After all the title says it: PDA Paradox.
Harry W. Thompson died in 2005, however the author of this book is very much alive. Just 5 months ago he posted a video on youtube which is something no dead person, no matter how awesome, could have done. If you are a Librarian and you see this, please, correct this mistake. Thanks in advance.
***
There are books (blog posts/youtube videos) by autistic authors that teach the neurotypical reader that an autistic kid or teen may sometimes appear as a rude brat but who is in fact misunderstood and a victim of the neurotypical world (sensory overload, bullying, meltdowns etc.).
And then there are book written by authors, who are not only autistic themselves but are also obnoxious, annoying brats and they remain so even after legally reaching adulthood. Both at once! Yippee! (Though Harry probably was misunderstood during his life on more than one occassion. He demonstrates how it’s not mutually exclusive though.)
I know every single item on Santa’s naughty list regarding Harry Thompson yet I know next to nothing about the subject of my interest that is Pathological Demand Avoidance. The few facts � little in amount but precise in truth � seem to be drowned in the sea of Harry’s rants and shenanigans. (Though I admit his little stunt in the army ends rather hilariously.) What this book lacks is bolder editing, I mean he writes about alcohol so much more than he writes about PDA even when I take into account that alcohol and drugs are known self-medicating tools for neurodiverse peeps.
The publication is tedious, juvenile � writing big words to sound majestic and artsy yet saying very little of actual substance �, verbose and often veering of the path.
I, however, enjoy the irony of Harry swallowing drugs like a black hole but taking such a strong anti-Ritalin stance. I guess that may be one of the signs of PDA. After all the title says it: PDA Paradox.
April 8, 2024
While I respect the author being frank about their experience, it is very unclear how much of their behavior and thought pattern is attributable to PDA. The crude, rude, and non-consentual behavior contained made them quite unlikeable to me. He pees on the class bunnies and his roommate's food and questions why he isn't allowed to have sex with the family pet. The author has nothing but over-the-top praise for the older women in his life who care for him, despises his father, and seems to not view others as worthy of empathy at all.
The parts I found most helpful were where he described in detail what it felt like to have an expectation laid upon him and how it triggered an almost physical reaction and aversion.
If he weren't white, male, attractive, and wealthy, he would almost certainly be in prision or another institution by now.
The parts I found most helpful were where he described in detail what it felt like to have an expectation laid upon him and how it triggered an almost physical reaction and aversion.
If he weren't white, male, attractive, and wealthy, he would almost certainly be in prision or another institution by now.
July 21, 2024
First-person account of living with PDA. It only tells the story from the point of view of the person with PDA, which is of course ok, especially considering it is acknowledged throughout the book. However, its narrow scope limits its overall value. There is very little compare and contrast, except for what is the result of the author's own growing up process. Some passages can read almost like an unedited self-exculpatory monologue, which is part of what gives it a special value, but in my view also makes it less appealing to read.
February 26, 2025
i picked this book to learn more about pda, and even better from someone who grew up and lives with it . and the book didn't disappoint! it reads as a memoir, pretty full of events and stories for 25 years. yet i found myself getting annoyed closer to the end, and came to realisation that I'm not used to this kind of point of view, as while reading autistic experiences i usually heavily rely on queer and other marginalised voices, so that's a me nuance). all in all an informative and fairly quick read.
August 11, 2020
⭐️⭐️⭐️💫
An important read to gain more understanding of this little known part of the autism spectrum. I have a family member who has signs of this and my history doesn’t fall far from this tree either. Harry is very bright, sometimes even my understanding fell short with some of the words and descriptors he used. If this interests you or you feel you relate to it then I would recommend it. Harry has battled through and is a champion now.
An important read to gain more understanding of this little known part of the autism spectrum. I have a family member who has signs of this and my history doesn’t fall far from this tree either. Harry is very bright, sometimes even my understanding fell short with some of the words and descriptors he used. If this interests you or you feel you relate to it then I would recommend it. Harry has battled through and is a champion now.
July 19, 2022
A really interesting and informative read. I read this expecting to see my son, and while I did, I also saw so much of myself. My son has a diagnosis of Asperger's but both of us are sure it is PDA, even more so now I've read Harry's story. Thank you so much for sharing. As I've got to 56 without a diagnosis, I'm debating whether there's any value in finding out for real. The book is easy to read with lots of food for thought. Thank you for sharing, Harry.
December 22, 2024
Harry has his own unique turn of phrase, including the use of several words which I had to look up! This book is written with frankness and honesty, and really gave me an insight into what it is like to live with PDA. I would definitely recommend it for anyone who knows someone with a PDA diagnosis, or even if you don't. Teachers should definitely read it as it would have been a huge help for me when I was a teacher to have these insights.
August 20, 2024
I thoroughly appreciated the chance to explore the experiences and perspectives from someone living and learning to thrive with PDA. I especially love the concept that if someone, especially a person with autism, is having a “meltdown� it is the environment that needs to adjust rather than the individual. Thanks, Harry.
September 10, 2024
This is the book that made me think, “is Harold from ‘Harold and Maude� PDA?�
p.s. It’s a memoir, not a reference book. Thompson hasn’t set out to define PDA nor even to make it intelligible (hi, “Paradox�) so it’s absurd to judge the book on the grounds that it fails to do so. The guy is telling his own story. Because memoir.
p.s. It’s a memoir, not a reference book. Thompson hasn’t set out to define PDA nor even to make it intelligible (hi, “Paradox�) so it’s absurd to judge the book on the grounds that it fails to do so. The guy is telling his own story. Because memoir.
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