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400 pages, Paperback
First published May 11, 2021
鈥淪ometimes it feels like I didn鈥檛 even exist before that. Like you invented me.鈥�
鈥淚 would rather have one tiny sliver of him forever than have all of him for just a moment and know I鈥檇 have to relinquish all of it when we were through.鈥�
鈥淲herever you are, that鈥檚 where I belong. I鈥檒l never belong anywhere like I belong with you.鈥�
鈥淟ike I鈥檇 never been that girl who鈥檇 felt entirely alone, misunderstood, and I鈥檇 always been this one: known, loved, wholly accepted by Alex Nilsen.鈥�
鈥淚 don鈥檛 think I knew I was lonely until I met you.鈥�
鈥淚鈥檝e never really felt alone since I met you. I don鈥檛 think I鈥檒l ever feel truly alone in this world again as long as you鈥檙e in it.鈥�
鈥淲hat if I want you to have what you want?鈥� He arches an eyebrow. 鈥淎re you just saying that because you know what I鈥檓 going to say, and you want to make fun of me for it?鈥� 鈥淣o?鈥� I say.
鈥淲hy? What are you going to say?鈥�
Our hands go still between us. 鈥淚 have what I want, Poppy.鈥�
鈥淚 love him so much. I love him more than I did yesterday, and I already know tomorrow I鈥檒l love him even more, because every piece of him he gives me is another to fall in love with.鈥�
鈥淵ou are, you know.鈥�
鈥淎 fighter?鈥� I say.
鈥淢y home,鈥� he says, and kisses me. We are, I think. We鈥檙e home.
"You can love someone and still know the future you鈥檇 have with them wouldn鈥檛 work for you, or for them, or maybe even for both of you."
Maybe things can always get better between people who want to do a good job loving each other. Maybe that鈥檚 all it takes.
I wrote the last one mostly for me. This one鈥檚 for you.
鈥淭hat crush of happiness, that feeling that this is what life鈥檚 about: being somewhere beautiful, with someone you love.鈥�
鈥淚 love you all the way, Alex,鈥� I say. 鈥淚 couldn鈥檛 have lived with myself if I hadn鈥檛 at least told you.鈥�
鈥淚 loved being in the city, surrounded by art and food and noise and new people, enough that the school part of it was bearable鈥�
鈥淏ecause no matter what makes all those people different, they鈥檙e all just trying to get somewhere, waiting to reach someone.鈥�
Because I will never again feel as alone as I did during those long nights as a kid. As long as I have him, I will never be alone again.
鈥淵ou鈥檝e always been Poppy.鈥�
鈥淚鈥檝e always felt like once someone sees me deep down, that鈥檚 it. There鈥檚 something ugly in there, or unlovable, and you鈥檙e the only person who鈥檚 ever made me feel like I鈥檓 okay.鈥� His hand sweeps gently across my face, and I open my eyes, meet his head-on. 鈥淭here鈥檚 nothing scarier than the chance that, once you really have all of me, that changes. But I want all of you, so I鈥檓 trying to be brave.鈥�
鈥淚鈥檝e never really felt alone since I met you. I don鈥檛 think I鈥檒l ever feel truly alien in this world again as long as you鈥檙e in it.鈥�
鈥淚m sorry for being so tall鈥�
鈥淚鈥檓 sorry for being so short鈥�
鈥淚 like you short,鈥� he says. 鈥淣ever apologize for being short.鈥�
鈥淵ou are, you know.鈥�
鈥淎 fighter?鈥� I say.
鈥�My home,鈥� he says, and kisses me.
We are, I think. We鈥檙e home.
Maybe that鈥檚 why he can handle the public affection. Maybe, like me, when we鈥檙e together he feels like no one else is there, like they鈥檙e phantoms we dreamed up as set dressing.
Even if we never kissed, never said the words outright, we were keeping whole parts of our hearts for each other only