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530 pages, Kindle Edition
First published July 14, 2022
𝓼𝓹𝓸𝓲𝓵𝓮𝓻 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓮 𝓻𝓮𝓿𝓲𝓮𝔀
� it’s everything you wanted, it’s everything you don’t. it’s one door swinging open and one door swinging closed.
“In every quiet whisper, every subtle and nuanced thread in the fabric of time, all the tiny ripples in the universe will tell you, that I’m actually just Parks�.�
“It's been one of the great burdens of my adult life knowing that I love him and he loves me and we just cannot for the life of us figure out how to be together. Needs me? I'm not so sure, but loves me? I've always known that.�
“I have all these ties to him. First boyfriend, first kiss, first love, first time, first everything, really. How he was my teacher and my partner in so many key life areas. My best friend and my family and my pillow and my quilt.�
“Love fucks you up, man. In what world, what shit has to happen between you and someone that you miss just being able to stare at them, because I’ve missed staring at her.�
“I’ll wear it like a badge of honour forever that he loved me first, that he loved me at all. Have you ever had a love like that? I always felt like the luckiest girl to have his eyes on me, his hands on me. And his mouth. I love that mouth.�
“Do you think I’m crazy?� she asked, quietly.
“No.� I shook my head. “I think you’re the best.�
“Even though you know the worst parts of me?�
“I don’t know the worst parts of you.� I ran my thumb over her scar. “I just know you, Parks.�
“He laughs and for some reason it sounds like I’m ringing the doorbell of the home I grew up in.�
“She thinks we’re in the stars but I just think she’s the current of everything and I’m always just drifting� Floating home to her.�
“All my best nights, all my worst ones, all are with him and I wonder if this is the point. This is what I’m swimming towards: not just in love with him but a whole wonderful, terrifying, beautiful, painful life with him.�
“You promise you love me?� He nods. “Infinitely.�
“And you want to be with me?� I frown. “Forever.�
“We’ve returned from war. That’s how we love each other. That’s what our love feels like. Battered and bruised, but the only thing in this world I’ve ever clung on to for dear life is the boy here in front of me.�
“How many loves do you get in a lifetime? For me it's just the one. I've had more but as I float away there's only one I'm thinking of. He is what I'm thinking of. Not how he hurt me, not what he did to me, not what we've done to each other. Just him.�
“He laughs and for some reason it sounds like I’m ringing the doorbell of the home I grew up in.�
“In every quiet whisper, every subtle and nuanced thread in the fabric of time, all the tiny ripples in the universe will tell you, that I’m actually just Parks�.�
“We’re fated. Woven into the tapestry of the universe, my name right next to hers. We’re in the stars.�
“In another life I reckon I could have loved you.�
I tilt my head, looking up at him.
“In another life I would have let you.�
“𝙏𝙝𝙖� 𝙥𝙪𝙡𝙡 𝙬𝙚 𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙚, 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙪𝙣𝙙𝙚𝙧𝙩𝙤𝙬 𝙤𝙛 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙪𝙣𝙞𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙚 𝙖𝙡𝙬𝙖𝙮𝙨 𝙙𝙧𝙖𝙜𝙜𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙪𝙨 𝙗𝙖𝙘𝙠 𝙩𝙤𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙙𝙨 𝙚𝙖𝙘𝙝 𝙤𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧, 𝙞𝙩 𝙝𝙖𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙢𝙚𝙖𝙣 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜, 𝙙𝙤𝙣’� 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙠?�
“…𝙗𝙪� 𝙝𝙚 𝙡𝙤𝙤𝙠𝙨 𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙥𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙄 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙝𝙞𝙢 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙣 𝙄 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙢𝙚, 𝙨𝙤 𝙄 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙝𝙞𝙢 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙚 𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙥𝙮 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙣 𝙄 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙗𝙚 𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙥𝙮.�
“𝙎𝙝� 𝙥𝙪𝙡𝙡𝙨 𝙖𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙛𝙧𝙤𝙢 𝙢𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙖𝙨 𝙨𝙝𝙚 𝙙𝙤𝙚𝙨, 𝙄 𝙨𝙡𝙞𝙥 𝙢𝙮 𝙝𝙚𝙖𝙧𝙩 𝙞𝙣 𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙗𝙖𝙘𝙠 𝙥𝙤𝙘𝙠𝙚𝙩� 𝙏𝙝𝙖𝙩’� 𝙖 𝙡𝙞𝙚. 𝙎𝙝𝙚 𝙖𝙡𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙮 𝙝𝙖𝙙 𝙞𝙩. 𝘽𝙪𝙩 𝙄 𝙜𝙞𝙫𝙚 𝙞𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙖𝙜𝙖𝙞𝙣 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙜𝙤𝙤𝙙 𝙢𝙚𝙖𝙨𝙪𝙧𝙚.�
*:・゚� We’re fated. Woven into the tapestry of the universe, my name right next to hers. We’re in the stars.
Her little breaths warm my face and I feel like I’ve been kicked in the chest by a horse, that’s the way she makes me feel.
A blank card reads: I don’t think I’ll ever stop looking for a time machine. Until I find one, here’s a time keeper instead.
On the back she’s engraved: On borrowed time without you.
I started therapy to get her back, wanting to grow into the kind of person she’d want to be with, be good enough, be the sort of person worthy of a girl like Parks.
“If you love a flower…� I say eventually, glancing at her. One of my tattoos, about her, like all of them are. “—That lives on a star, it is sweet to look at the sky at night…�
The great monument to our love is a withering tree and a blank stone that means the world to me and maybe nothing to anyone else.
“I don’t know the worst parts of you.� I ran my thumb over her scar. “I just know you, Parks.�
“He laughs and for some reason it sounds like I'm ringing the doorbell of the home I grew up in.�
”She and I, we’re forever waiting for green. It’s always the red man.�