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372 pages, Hardcover
First published December 2, 2010
鈥淚 cheated on her every day. In my mind, I thought of you in ways I shouldn鈥檛 have, again and again. She was nothing compared to you. I鈥檝e never felt this way about anybody before鈥斺€�What's the saying? Once a cheater, always a cheater? Oh, the fucking hypocrisy.
The only French word I know is oui, which means 鈥測es,鈥� and only recently did I learn it鈥檚 spelled o-u-i and not w-e-e.
I鈥檓 going to be sick. I鈥檓 going to vomit that weird eggplant tapenade I had for dinner, and everyone wil hear, and no one will invite me to watch the mimes escape from their invisible boxes, or whatever it is people do here in their spare time.I'm sorry, but I'm inclined to judge anyone who doesn't know that oui is spelled o-u-i and not w-e-e. It's one of those foreign words that isn't even fucking foreign because it's so fucking common. Oui is yes in French. Si is yes in Spanish. It's one of those words that's so fucking commonly used that you have to be a complete birdbrain not to know!
鈥淲here have you been all my life?鈥� I ask the beautiful panini. 鈥淗ow is it possible I鈥檝e never had a sandwich like this before?鈥�Not only is she ignorant, she has no survival skills. Anna is in Paris, attending a school for Americans. Fucking everyone speaks English, the French teachers speak English. Anna is terrified of getting food in the cafeteria and avoids the cafeteria for weeks because she doesn't know how to order food.
Mer is next in line, and I transcribe her speech phonetically.That's suppsed to be une place, s'il vous pla卯t.
Oon ploss see voo play.
My dream is to study film theory in California. I want to be our nation鈥檚 greatest female film critic.Although judging from the way she thinks, I think she's more suited to a career writing for the tabloids, the type with the sort of "PRESIDENT OBAMA CAUGHT IN INTERPLANETARY ORGY ALONG WITH PUTIN AND MERKEL" headline rather than as a film critic.
I wonder if Matt is a better kisser now that he has someone more experienced to practice on. He was probably a bad kisser because of me.Anna, Anna, ANNA!!!!!: So beautiful without knowing it!! So perfect! So adorably fucking clumsy! She even looks gorgeous when she falls flat on her fucking face!
Oh, no.
I鈥檓 a bad kisser. I am, I must be.
Someday I鈥檒l be awarded a statue shaped like a pair of lips, and it鈥檒l be engraved with the words WORLD鈥橲 WORST KISSER.And Matt will give a speech about how he only dated me because he was desperate, but I didn鈥檛 put out, so I was a waste of time because Cherrie Milliken liked him all along and she totally puts out.
Oh God. Does Toph think I鈥檓 a bad kisser?
"You鈥檙e beautiful.鈥�
I trip and fall down on the sidewalk.
I look away as he takes my hand and helps me up. 鈥淚鈥檓 fine. Fine!鈥� I say, brushing the grit from my palms. Oh my God, I AM a freak.
鈥淵ou鈥檝e seen the way men look at you, right?鈥� he continues.
鈥淚f they鈥檙e looking, it鈥檚 because I keep making a fool of myself.鈥�
Slutty nurse. I don鈥檛 believe it. Tiny white button-up dress, red crosses across the nipples. Cleavage city.CHEATING IS OK IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS A BITCH: That's the message that this book sends. Oh, that Ellie. That stupid, stuck up Ellie. Ellie who thinks she is better than everyone else. Surely it's fine if Etienne seeks comfort elsewhere if his girlfriend is a cold fish, a stuck up snot, right? No. I don't fucking think so. How about you break up with her FIRST? Just because a girl is a jerk doesn't mean she deserves to be cheated on. I do not appreciate the way this book sends the message that it's morally acceptable to cheat on a girlfriend who neglects you! But it's morally acceptable to cheat on her if you feeeeeeeeeeeeel bad about it, right? Fuck this shit.
"I said you were beautiful. I slept in your bed!鈥�Ok. Etienne has a girlfriend, Ellie. Etienne holds hands with Anna. He is still with Ellie.
鈥淵ou never made a move! You had a girlfriend!鈥�
鈥淣o matter what a terrible boyfriend I was, I wouldn鈥檛 actually cheat on her. But I thought you鈥檇 know. With me being there, I thought you鈥檇 know.鈥�
It鈥檚 nice holding hands. Comfortable.You know why? Because you wouldn't like it if Etienne held hands with another girl if he was dating YOU. Fucking hypocrite.
I wish friends held hands more often, like the children I see on the streets sometimes. I鈥檓 not sure why we have to grow up and get embarrassed about it.
I mean I didn鈥檛 SLEEP sleep with him. Obviously. But I slept with him.And that boy has a girlfriend. And then you do it again. While he still has a girlfriend. While you have an almost-boyfriend.
I slept with a boy! I burrow back down into my sheets and grin.
Here is everything I know about France: Madeline and Am茅lie and Moulin Rouge. The Eiffel Tower and the Arc de Triomphe, although I have no idea what the function of either actually is. Napoleon, Marie Antoinette, and a lot of kings named Louis. I鈥檓 not sure what they did either, but I think it has something to do with the French Revolution, which has something to do with Bastille Day. The art museum is called the Louvre and it鈥檚 shaped like a pyramid and the Mona Lisa lives there along with that statue of the woman missing her arms. And there are caf茅s or bistros or whatever they call them on every street corner. And mimes. The food is supposed to be good, and the people drink a lot of wine and smoke a lot of cigarettes.
I鈥檝e heard they don鈥檛 like Americans, and they don鈥檛 like white sneakers.
鈥淚 cheated on her every day. In my mind, I thought of you in ways I shouldn鈥檛 have, again and again. She was nothing compared to you. I鈥檝e never felt this way about anybody before鈥斺€�
[...]
鈥淣o matter what a terrible boyfriend I was, I wouldn鈥檛 actually cheat on her. But I thought you鈥檇 know. With me being there, I thought you鈥檇 know.鈥�
Meretricious. Showily attractive but cheap or insincere. Yes! That is so Cherrie. I just hope Bridge didn鈥檛 make me sound too desperate, despite my longing for Toph to email me. And I can鈥檛 believe Matt is still weird around him, even though we鈥檙e not dating anymore. Everyone likes Toph. Well, sometimes he annoys the managers, but that鈥檚 because he tends to forget his work schedule. And call in sick.
It鈥檚 Ellie. I nearly drop my towel. 鈥淥h.鈥�
Slutty nurse. I don鈥檛 believe it. Tiny white button-up dress, red crosses across the nipples. Cleavage city.
鈥渁 blonde with a beaky nose and a teeny tank top coos as soon as we get in line鈥� she leans over her friend, a short girl with a severe ponytail, and positions herself for maximum cleavage exposure.鈥�
鈥渟lutty nurse. i don鈥檛 believe it. tiny, white button-up dress, red crosses across the nipples. cleavage city.鈥�
鈥渢here鈥檚 only one thing i don鈥檛 love about him. her. if i didn鈥檛 like ellie before, it鈥檚 nothing compared to how i feel now. it doesn鈥檛 matter that i can count how many times we鈥檝e met on one hand.鈥�STOP ACTING LIKE A JEALOUS GIRLFRIEND. ELLIE鈥橲 THE ONE DATING ETIENNE. NOT YOU, ANNA.
鈥渋 fantasise about their breakup. how he could hurt her, and she could hurt him, and all of the ways i could hurt her back. i want to grab her parisian-styled hair and yank it so hard it rips from her skull. i want to sink my claws into her eyeballs and scrape.鈥�
鈥渋 cheated on her every day. in my mind, i though of you in ways i shouldn鈥檛 have, again and again. she was nothing compared to you.鈥�
鈥淔or the two of us, home isn't a place. It is a person. And we are finally home.鈥�