"�� 4 stars ��

“I wanted to be his, I wanted to give myself to him. Not just my body. All of me. My whole life—my loneliness, my sadness, my happiness. Everything. There was no going back. Not for me. Not for him.��

[image error]

�� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� After my recent rage-re-read of my first ever Mary Downing Hahn book ​from when I was ten years old, I was a bit wary that my re-read of the book that I read when I was thirteen would have a similar reaction. The instance I read these immortal thoughts of seventeen-year-old senior Lauren at her job as library assistant - 'the aisle was empty. I was alone. Just me and hundreds of books—my idea of paradise' - a sentiment that spoke to my soul, I knew that this reread would be something special.�� 📚💓

�� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� I saw a lot of myself in Lauren and her feelings for Spencer. Being best friends with him throughout their childhood and then harboring an intense secret crush on him in the eighth grade, only for them to go their separate ways in high school without speaking a word to one another - he being Mr. Popular, Prince of Jocks, and she the Mouse who stayed buried in the books and in the shadows - only for a chance re-connection over their love of poetry for their paths to once again cross.��

�� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� It reminded me of my own lingering feelings for one of my childhood friends and for us to have also parted ways in high school, the object of my unrequited affection never knowing what he meant to me. And yet, our friendship was so deep that if he asked me to break the school rules - he would be the exception to my staunch good-girl persona. Him and only him.�� 😮‍��

“I was taken over by emotions I didn’t understand, couldn’t control.

When he let me go, he whispered, “The loneliness�� isn’t so bad now.��

�� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� In that sense, I did not fault Lauren for the extreme leniency she gave Spencer, for both his emotions and his compulsive, if not uncertain nature. Because when you care for someone deeply enough, you'll do anything for them, even at the risk of your own happiness and well-being. 😔�� And just for them to finally notice you again and want to spend time with you - seeing that you're the only one who understands what they're going through - if you're still holding onto those feelings of wanting him - wouldn't it be worth it to hold on just a bit longer?

�� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� ​It was a roller coaster of emotions in which Lauren was reintroduced into Spencer's life, connected over their mothers' benign neglect, and finally saw how much he's deeply hurting over a traumatic past that has affecting him so viscerally that he's grounded himself in dark thoughts - depressive and suicidal inclinations that has desperate to pull him out of the depths of his own pain. 🫂🩶�� '‘The wind blows backwards all night long�� remember?' MDH outdid herself in capturing the desire to love someone so fiercely that even at the cost of your own happiness, you have to learn to let go in order to save him.�� 😢

“How could I explain him? My own feelings were so tangled and confused. Loving him, scared of loving him.��

�� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� It was at times frustrating to see Lauren behave, well, like a doormat for Spencer especially when he radiated heat that was sensual, full of longing and desire; but he wooed her and won her heart with his poetic and soft and gentle side that made her all the more determined to pull him back from the destructive thoughts that clouded his sound judgment.�� 😥 Haunted by dark moods and reckless actions, it feels almost hurtful at how co-dependent their relationship was becoming - his need to rely on her strength and sweet good nature for him to survive.

�� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� When he reveals the truth to her, a burden that she carries with she knows she's the only one who understands now why he feels the way he does, it is a heartbreaking decision she has to make. A decision that costs more than either of them expected, but yet, so powerfully convincing in its portrayal, that I was so afraid to just jump ahead to spoil myself for the conclusion.😟

“Don’t hate yourself,�� I whispered, “don’t. It’s not your fault, none of it’s your fault.��

�� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� But, I refrained and I was rewarded with a lot of honest and emotional growth that was beautiful and heart-wrenching, yet so very real.�� ❤️‍�� That through the whirlwind of teen angst and romance, I wanted their love to work. I wanted Lauren to find a way to reach Spencer and help him realize how only he could save himself from himself - to find happiness and light in the wake of darkness. That scene on the bridge - 'for the first time, I knew what he’d meant when he said death fascinated him, tempted him' - was gut-wrenching, but eye-awakening to make Lauren become stronger and determined in her assertive stance in making her feelings for him heard, still love him with all her heart.�� 🥺

�� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� �� It was a poignant and heartbreaking conclusion but one that moved me to tears. 🥹�� Yes, I am an emotional reader. It did not gloss over the trauma, nor did it make it an easy journey for the two, but it was hard-earned and rightfully deserved - a happiness that I wished they could have found earlier. But, the challenges they faced, the depth of understanding they learned, it was enough for them to move on from the wind blowing them back - it was behind us, pushing us forward.' And that tender and gentle reminder was enough to show me that ​it was worth revisiting it after all these years. 🙏🏻

“The wind blows forward too, Spencer. Your whole life is ahead of you, just waiting. School, California, everything.��



~*~*~*~*~

I'd ����������� to say that my yaadein (memories) of it were of my attraction to the broody moody motorcycle hunk that donned the cover. ​�� *�����ܲ����*�� ���±������, it is safe to say that the cover still was very vivid in my memory! ​😍�� However, it was the scene where Lauren and Spencer shared their first time together that I actually remembered; mainly, because it was my first time reading a book that involved safe sex.�� 🥺

I know it shouldn't matter, but as a teen Muslim studying in an American school in the early 2000s, it's not something that was widely and openly discussed, aside from a brief mention in Health Class. But, I don't know, that description of the ripping off the foil�� was something that stayed in my memory, more so than what the book had been really about. 😳��

I guess as a young impressionable teen, it was almost a scandalous thing to read. 😅 It's something that stayed with me for so long, that when I re-read it, I was embarrassed at how much in clarity, the scene was very much exactly as I remembered it. 🙈"

"The first book of a series that once upon a time was one of my regular comfort reads , returned to again and again with me always trying to pay attention to this character this time, or stating: okay, I will figure out all this twisted-up worldbuilding this time��' and will try to suss out so-and-so's motive this time��

I've never quite completed a series reread without feeling like I understood EVERYthing. And to this day, I could probably not tell you the Overarching Backstory of the Secret Country trilogy in one sitting without flipping here or there back to the books so I can recheck.

And upon this particular reread, I think that: that's just fine. Because this is a series that rewards with every read and if it is just Your Kind of Thing, you'll find something different all the time.

This time around? For me it was alllll about the Carrolls' and their genre-savviness.

This is about five cousins, ages ranging from eleven, to fifteen, who walk from the real world straight into 'The Secret', a fantasy story that they've been building and play-acting for nine years, complete with original characters and a role to play for each one of them. The Carrolls are genre-savvy, literate kids, clearly well-versed in fantasy tropes, raised on poetry and Shakespeare and mysteries, and knowing how things or should not BE in Story. And this is their plot, their characters, their baby: this experience should be a blast, right? Only��

"Why's he so grumpy?" Ellen asked Laura.
"He's always grumpy."
"But Prince Edward is meek and gentle."
"Heh," said Laura. p.144

There's an extremely fascinating struggle with kids' double identities and how the kids 'take' to the characters they have created for themselves. The second oldest Carroll, Ted, who is cranky and brash by nature, now has to face the facts that they created his own character, "Prince Edward" to be a 'quiet milksop' in The Secret, and that is hardly a great positon to be in when he, Ted, is faced with a grimmer prospect than the others: in The Secret his character had to kill his best friend and go into the underworld, among other things. Plot points that seemed terrifically exciting in The Secret are now harrowing events that Ted is desperate to change, all the while chafing under the constraints of Edward's personality. And the worst part is that his cousins and sister still see them as cool plot twists.

Laura, Ted's sister, is in a similar difficult position, being a wilting wallflower of a girl who now has to play chatty, adventure-loving "Princess Laura". Through walking into The Secret, she comes to realize just how much she's been missing out on in life, not because she, Laura, often refuses the call to adventure but because she never ever gives herself the choice to accept it or not, whether she's playing Princess Laura or just being herself. And the choice, to say "yes I will" or "no I'd rather not", is the key, for Laura. Her arc and coming to this epiphany is one of my favorite things in the first book.

On the other hand, Ruth, the oldest cousin, revels in her character perhaps more than anyone else. Ruth, who was always meek and dreamy, slips on the eccentric, surly "Lady Ruth" sorceress persona like hand in glove, much to her siblings and cousins' consternation. I often found myself at the Batman/Bruce Wayne question: is haughty Lady Ruth the real Ruth, and was even-tempered Ruth Carroll the secret identity all along?

And then there's Patrick! Almost certainly the most conventionally unlikable of the kids, and yet he intrigues me as a character: he is the scientist of the bunch, he was very, very good in playing at The Secret when it was a game, but now actually living it drives him absolutely crazy. And even living it, he is mighty convinced that none of this is real: that this is perhaps a hallucination, that this event or that character appearing means something for his hypotheses, that this bit of worldbuilding is proof that it's all in their minds. Oh, and speaking of worldbuilding, it amuses me to no end that his sister, Ellen, apparently never bothered to add dimensions to HER character "Princess Ellen" because oh, she was too busy building and creating islands here, lore over there, battles over here while they were playing, and so she is sort of the history-keeper of The Secret. Now that the Carrolls are actually living their world, they often turn to her in exasperation crying: "you added WHAT?! " But Ellen just loves everything and is so happy about all her worldbuilding and her world come to life that you can't begrudge her anything. I never fully appreciated Ellen until this reread.

"What's going on? " cried Ruth. "How can we do anything if it keeps changing all by itself?" p. 110

"I want to make it so we don't have to go back and forth all the time and get yelled at wherever we go, so we can settle down here and finish the story." p. 103

At some point in the book, Laura cries out "I don't want to grow up twice!" to which Ruth replies "It doesn't hurt." It's one of many "Hey, hey, these kids know their portal fantasy!" moments. (It's also a fun character moment�� Ruth knows FULL well about the Narnia-wardrobe time discrepancy and is still willing to go through it?? Okay…I wouldn't do that, but you do you, Ruth. Lots of these moments in the trilogy.) Genre-savviness pervades this novel more than any other in the series�� the technicalities of knowing they are in a portal fantasy and the nuts and bolts of it: wrangling the world and its quirks into shape, dealing with the pesky matter of controlling time here and time in the real world…and dealing with what the hell to do when the story starts NOT going your way. Or worse: when it starts going exactly your way.

Lady Claudia, a completely new person no one came up with, is introduced and continues to be a force to reckoned with through the rest of the trilogy. Lord Andrew, the cousins' designated bad guy, is more weaselly and less villainous than they imagined. Lord Randolph and Fence, the king's counselor and the court magician, respectively, were beloved characters in The Secret and their coming to life before the cousins eyes is a real treat to read about: oh my, suddenly, a favorite character is very much doing things of his own volition? Suddenly, their favorites are hooking up with strange magicians, entrusting the cousins as spies, taking away magical objects one shouldn't play with, commenting on the cousins' habitual quirks …being living breathing mentor figures? And how do you deal with all that, with a character you think YOU CREATED? With someone you love who was just supposed to stay a character?

"I think we'd better think about what we think," said Ted, and no one laughed at the way he put it. p. 189

Which brings us to the matter of ethics. The cousins' inevitable question of: what if these aren't characters and this isn't a playworld; what if these are actually LIVES we hold in our hands? This comes like a thunderclap on Ted about halfway through the book and slowly sets in on the rest of the Carrolls: what exactly are we playing at here? What does it say about all of us, about ME, that I want to experiment with plot twists and play in the world without much regard for how our beloved characters will be affected, for how war and magical bargains and DEATH are woven into our story? IS it our story? What IS this, why has this happened, and what exactly do we think we are doing here?

"Ellen Jennifer Carroll," said Ruth, "for the millionth time, this is not a game." p. 365

Start this if you think you'd be into fantasy books that yes, have court intrigue and elemental magic and fanciful creatures, but are also very meta about them . If you think you'd be into a book that both lovingly and critically peers at makings of a fantasy story, a book where the focus is on characters who don't deny themselves the delights and fears of being lost in their dream world but also grapple with the responsibility of having created it themselves. A book where you have characters who are already well aware of all the plot twists and turns …or think they are anyway, and then have to contend with even greater forces at work that will play out in some very strange ways through the rest of the trilogy.

And if you've never heard of anything like that before –I know I hadn't when I first picked the books up!—and think all these sound mighty tempting, then this series, starting with this novel, is very much worth a try!"

"i received an ARC in exchange for an honest review. well. there were some good parts, and then there were some boring parts.

it's insightful and sentimental, and i honestly found a lot of observations and experiences relatable. although it took me a while to warm up to the story, i also like how the main character's loneliness and misery is contrasted with the other women in the book; i see what Kawakami is doing with this.

but i can't ignore the fact that reading this was a chore for me. i can recognize that it was intentional to depict how mundane and uneventful the life of a middle-aged woman's life is, but it was so frustrating to follow a very passive narrator. and i like the stale and melancholic atmosphere, but it was honestly ruined by the thirsting over a man pushing 60. i found it unnecessary and i don't get the appeal. maybe i'm too young to understand the romantic and sexual appeal of a grandfather, idk.

maybe i'll try Kawakami's other books, maybe i won't. i'm not totally closed off to the idea of reading another one of her works, but i'm not very ecstatic about it either. maybe her books aren't just for me."