"Jamie McGuire's daughter.

'Nuff said."

"At long last, I have found it -- the horror counterpart of "The Eye of Argon." A book so grotesquely bad that every part of it stinks of decrepit ineptitude. The Holy Grail of bad vampire fiction.

What book is this? It's "The Cries Of Vampira: The Horror Of Gaad Grey, The Evil Alpha Werewolf -Volume 1," a novella that manages to rape vampires, werewolves, Christianity, Norse myth, romance, and the entire country of Scotland. And as if the story wasn't bad enough, Sean H. Robertson writes like the brain-damaged lovechild of Laurell K. Hamilton and Gloria Tesch.

The story takes place in Vampira, which apparently is located somewhere in Scotland (yes, they have a country inside a country), which is ruled by the benevolent and peace-loving vampires. Boggle at that. Their mortal enemies are the Gray werewolves, who are evil because... well, because they are.

Vampirian Princess Kylie decides to go off alone, hoping to make peace with the evil werewolf warlord Gaad Grey. Shockingly, he doesn't want peace, so he takes her prisoner. Kylie's triplet sister Kristin decides she's going to go off and rescue her sister, but she obviously isn't TOO worried since she wants to have sex with her boyfriend first. And since Kristin ALSO decides to go alone (and dressed in bright fuschia), you can guess what happens to HER.

I kid you not, "The Cries Of Vampira: The Horror Of Gaad Grey, The Evil Alpha Werewolf -Volume 1" is one of the worst-written books I have ever subjected myself to. It reads like an "Underworld" fanfic by a kid who's just discovered four-letter-words and implied sex, but hasn't yet learned how to write... anything else.

Robertson's prose is HORRENDOUS -- his descriptions ("his infinitely sexy eyes"), dialogue ("As you drink this, think of it as Living Waters replenishing your dehydrated, wandering soul"), the telling-instead-of-showing ("Princess Kristin is now in a severely humbled and depressive state"), and the countless "As you know Bob" speeches. As if those weren't annoying enough, he tacks on the word "Vampirian" onto half the nouns.

That isn't even dealing with the plot, which is basically about two idiot princesses wandering off into enemy territory during a war. Robertson tosses in random plot twists with no foreshadowing (oh look, a traitor we've never even seen before), and bizarre filler scenes like a lovelorn chambermaid watching Prince Kolbe have a drunken threesome. She's deeply hurt by this, but she DOESN'T LEAVE.

And Robertson depicts his "Vampirians" as a bunch of wussy, dimwitted Mary Sues who are all things good, pure, wise, peace-loving and so on. Even worse, these are CHRISTIAN vampires, since there are random references to the "Great I AM" -- but apparently the Norse god Loki is hanging around, and this trickster god has somehow become synonymous with Satan. It's just a big, goofy, sloppy mess with no apparent thought behind it.

The lulz and facepalming come thick and fast in "The Cries Of Vampira: The Horror Of Gaad Grey, The Evil Alpha Werewolf -Volume 1," a towering monument to ineptitude. And it ends on a cliffhanger, too.
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