What do you think?
Rate this book
The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center
"Rhaina Cohen’s moving, intimate portraits of people in unusually devoted friendships upend our cultural narratives about which relationships matter . . . an arresting work of compassion and insight." —Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone and co-host of Dear Therapists podcast
Why do we assume romantic relationships are more important than friendships? What do we lose when we expect a spouse to meet all our needs? And what can we learn about commitment, love, and family from people who put deep friendship at the center of their lives?
In The Other Significant Others, NPR's Rhaina Cohen invites us into the lives of people who have defied convention by choosing a friend as a life partner—these are friends who are home co-owners, co-parents or each other’s caregivers. Their riveting stories unsettle widespread assumptions about relationships, including the idea that sex is a defining feature of partnership and that people who raise kids together should be in a romantic relationship. Platonic partners from different walks of life—spanning age and religion, gender and sexuality and more—reveal how freeing and challenging it can be to embrace a relationship model that society doesn't recognize. And they show that orienting your world around friends isn't limited to daydreams and episodes of The Golden Girls, but actually possible in real life.
Based on years of original reporting and striking social science research, Cohen argues that we undermine romantic relationships by expecting too much of them, while we diminish friendships by expecting too little of them. She traces how, throughout history, our society hasn’t always fixated on marriage as the greatest source of meaning, or even love. At a time when many Americans are spending large stretches of their lives single, widowed or divorced, or feeling the effects of the "loneliness epidemic," Cohen insists that we recognize the many forms of profound connection that can anchor our lives. A rousing and incisive book, The Other Significant Others challenges us to ask what we want from our relationships—not just what we’re supposed to want—and transforms how we define a fulfilling life.
Why do we assume romantic relationships are more important than friendships? What do we lose when we expect a spouse to meet all our needs? And what can we learn about commitment, love, and family from people who put deep friendship at the center of their lives?
In The Other Significant Others, NPR's Rhaina Cohen invites us into the lives of people who have defied convention by choosing a friend as a life partner—these are friends who are home co-owners, co-parents or each other’s caregivers. Their riveting stories unsettle widespread assumptions about relationships, including the idea that sex is a defining feature of partnership and that people who raise kids together should be in a romantic relationship. Platonic partners from different walks of life—spanning age and religion, gender and sexuality and more—reveal how freeing and challenging it can be to embrace a relationship model that society doesn't recognize. And they show that orienting your world around friends isn't limited to daydreams and episodes of The Golden Girls, but actually possible in real life.
Based on years of original reporting and striking social science research, Cohen argues that we undermine romantic relationships by expecting too much of them, while we diminish friendships by expecting too little of them. She traces how, throughout history, our society hasn’t always fixated on marriage as the greatest source of meaning, or even love. At a time when many Americans are spending large stretches of their lives single, widowed or divorced, or feeling the effects of the "loneliness epidemic," Cohen insists that we recognize the many forms of profound connection that can anchor our lives. A rousing and incisive book, The Other Significant Others challenges us to ask what we want from our relationships—not just what we’re supposed to want—and transforms how we define a fulfilling life.
312 pages, Kindle Edition
First published February 13, 2024
743 people are currently reading
19k people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 797 reviews
September 9, 2023
Yes, yes, YES! This book was exactly what I was hoping it would be! A book about all kinds of relationships that can make a person whole! I am a happily married woman, with a bunch of kids, a home, (what feels like a million, but is really 5) pets, car payments, and a bunch of bills....but I am surrounded by so many others, some in similar relationships, some in situationships, some in committed relationships with a partner, some who are single...and all of us are such wonderful friends. The bottom line is that there are so many ways to be fulfilled and so many ways to have significant others, being a half of a married whole isn't the only way to feel this way through life.
This book weaves it all together with research, stories, and a way that leaves you seeing that your way isn't the only way to be happy, their way isn't the only way to be happy, and there are so many different ways to have support in friendships.
This book weaves it all together with research, stories, and a way that leaves you seeing that your way isn't the only way to be happy, their way isn't the only way to be happy, and there are so many different ways to have support in friendships.
December 26, 2023
3.0 Stars
I absolutely believe in the importance of non romantic friendships and the importance of investing in these relationships. Given all that, I expected to absolutely love this book.
Unfortunately I did not. I instead found this one quite dry. The research and case studies just felt very obvious and not particularly interesting.
Again, I love the intent behind this book, but the execution left me wanting more.
Disclaimer I received a copy of this book from the publisher.
I absolutely believe in the importance of non romantic friendships and the importance of investing in these relationships. Given all that, I expected to absolutely love this book.
Unfortunately I did not. I instead found this one quite dry. The research and case studies just felt very obvious and not particularly interesting.
Again, I love the intent behind this book, but the execution left me wanting more.
Disclaimer I received a copy of this book from the publisher.
Read
October 31, 2023Thank you to NetGalley and St. Martin's Press for the digital review ARC!
The Other Significant Others was recommended for me on NetGalley and I’m not quite sure why, because I’ve never read an ARC remotely close to something like this before. But gosh am I glad I clicked that Read Now button.
The Other Significant Others is an exploration of long-term platonic relationships in their various forms. The book weaves historical information and social scientific data about friendship, its place in society and importance to human well-being, through the stories of eight different contemporary friendships. With no roadmap to follow (and no contemporary language to describe them) these friendship stories absolutely fascinated me, not just because the people involved were bucking societal norms but because they were living life with such intentionality.
The friendships that are discussed are not your run of the mill besties. These people have a level of commitment to each other that puts them in the life partner category. I really appreciated the diversity of relationships shown in this book. We see queer-straight pairings, straight-straight pairings, same gender and opposite gender pairings, age gaps, people brought together by a desire to platonically co-parent, and people brought together by the challenges of being older and single. Sometimes these individuals also had romantic partners, sometimes they did not. Sometimes it was just two people, sometimes it was more. The author resists the urge (or skates it, depending on your view) to label these relationships as queer, instead letting the people involved define themselves. Same goes for the parts of the book that discuss platonic partnerships throughout history; the author does not use modern language and concept to define historical relationships.
There were many themes in The Other Significant Others that struck a chord for me. Too many to talk about in depth in a review. Of note was the concept that strong friendships can make for healthier romantic partnerships, by scrapping the idea that your romantic partner should be your everything. I also really enjoyed seeing the variety of ways physical affection was incorporated into these relationships and the ways in which attitudes about physical affection in platonic relationships and the importance of the nuclear family are distinctly a modern, Western cultural ideal that is rooted in patriarchy and anti-immigrant sentiments. The book also talks about “emotional gold digging� and the emotional labor that women often bear because men are socialized to only expect deep emotional connection in romantic partnerships and not friendships.
The earlier parts of the book really focus on exploring the multitude of ways that platonic partnerships add richness and happiness to life. The latter part has this as well, but really focuses on the legal and societal hurdles that platonic partnerships face. There is a chapter on grief that that shows a platonic relationship where one person is diagnosed with (and ultimately dies from) cancer, so please tread lightly if that is a trigger for you.
The book is very America/Canada centric. It is also long. As much as I enjoyed reading it, I do feel it could have been edited down without losing the salient points and stories. The last 30% of the book is acknowledgments, end notes, and a bibliography, so keep that in mind if you balk at the amount of time your e-reader tells you it will take to read this book.
The Other Significant Others was recommended for me on NetGalley and I’m not quite sure why, because I’ve never read an ARC remotely close to something like this before. But gosh am I glad I clicked that Read Now button.
The Other Significant Others is an exploration of long-term platonic relationships in their various forms. The book weaves historical information and social scientific data about friendship, its place in society and importance to human well-being, through the stories of eight different contemporary friendships. With no roadmap to follow (and no contemporary language to describe them) these friendship stories absolutely fascinated me, not just because the people involved were bucking societal norms but because they were living life with such intentionality.
The friendships that are discussed are not your run of the mill besties. These people have a level of commitment to each other that puts them in the life partner category. I really appreciated the diversity of relationships shown in this book. We see queer-straight pairings, straight-straight pairings, same gender and opposite gender pairings, age gaps, people brought together by a desire to platonically co-parent, and people brought together by the challenges of being older and single. Sometimes these individuals also had romantic partners, sometimes they did not. Sometimes it was just two people, sometimes it was more. The author resists the urge (or skates it, depending on your view) to label these relationships as queer, instead letting the people involved define themselves. Same goes for the parts of the book that discuss platonic partnerships throughout history; the author does not use modern language and concept to define historical relationships.
There were many themes in The Other Significant Others that struck a chord for me. Too many to talk about in depth in a review. Of note was the concept that strong friendships can make for healthier romantic partnerships, by scrapping the idea that your romantic partner should be your everything. I also really enjoyed seeing the variety of ways physical affection was incorporated into these relationships and the ways in which attitudes about physical affection in platonic relationships and the importance of the nuclear family are distinctly a modern, Western cultural ideal that is rooted in patriarchy and anti-immigrant sentiments. The book also talks about “emotional gold digging� and the emotional labor that women often bear because men are socialized to only expect deep emotional connection in romantic partnerships and not friendships.
The earlier parts of the book really focus on exploring the multitude of ways that platonic partnerships add richness and happiness to life. The latter part has this as well, but really focuses on the legal and societal hurdles that platonic partnerships face. There is a chapter on grief that that shows a platonic relationship where one person is diagnosed with (and ultimately dies from) cancer, so please tread lightly if that is a trigger for you.
The book is very America/Canada centric. It is also long. As much as I enjoyed reading it, I do feel it could have been edited down without losing the salient points and stories. The last 30% of the book is acknowledgments, end notes, and a bibliography, so keep that in mind if you balk at the amount of time your e-reader tells you it will take to read this book.
September 5, 2023
Read. This. Book.
Wow. Manages a rare combination of beautiful storytelling while being inspiring at a personal level and thought provokingly insightful at a societal level.
Cohen’s writing blends well told stories about compelling and interesting people with accessible and evidence based research and personal experience.
Even before I finished it I was talking to my own friends and family about what I was learning and being caused to reflect on. I don’t think I’ll ever look at friendship or our relationship institutions and culture the same way again.
Couldn’t recommend this more as a personal read, but would also really suit book groups or study groups.
Wow. Manages a rare combination of beautiful storytelling while being inspiring at a personal level and thought provokingly insightful at a societal level.
Cohen’s writing blends well told stories about compelling and interesting people with accessible and evidence based research and personal experience.
Even before I finished it I was talking to my own friends and family about what I was learning and being caused to reflect on. I don’t think I’ll ever look at friendship or our relationship institutions and culture the same way again.
Couldn’t recommend this more as a personal read, but would also really suit book groups or study groups.
May 3, 2024
I honestly feel like the book’s title is click bait. It ISN’T about centering your life on friendship in a way that most people ever can/will. It should have been called “The Other Significant Others: How Friends Can Be Soul Mates—Except in the Eye of the Law�
Shelved as 'did-not-finish'
February 21, 2024Thank you to the author Raina Cohen, publishers St. Martin's Press, and NetGalley for an advance digital copy of THE OTHER SIGNIFICANT OTHERS. All views are mine.
Opening Quote: Language like my other half suggests that you only graduate to being a full human once you have a romantic partner. Loc. 618.
Three (or more) things I loved:
1. I love that this book looks at the invisible pitfalls of the popularity of the romantic relationship. Who could find fault with someone marrying their best friend? Well...[The] spouse - is - my - best - friend phenomenon feels like hoarding ; spouses, who are already in a place of honor, get to claim the top title in another relationship category. This privileging of romantic relationships can make them feel compulsory. Loc.611.
Three (or less) things I didn't love:
This section isn't only for criticisms. It's merely for items that I felt something for other than "love" or some interpretation thereof.
1. I can tell Cohen's sources and resources are excellent. Unfortunately, she didn't arrange or present the information in an intriguing way or even in a way that communicates the urgency of her main point. Significant overlap between her points (chapters) creates repetition and makes the read feel dry.
2. I'm so surprised to say this, given my interest in the book's subject, but I am not the right audience for this book. The author seems to be writing for readers who need convincing that friendship can be a primary intimate relationship. She advocates over and over for the main idea-- that nonromantic relationships can be fulfilling primary partnerships in people's lives. Being already firmly in the author's camp, I kept waiting for the book to broaden its approach to the subject. Unfortunately, I DNFed at 33%.
Rating: DNF @ 33%
Recommend? Yes, for readers who want to learn more about the author's argument!
Finished: Feb 8 '24
Format: Digital arc, Kindle, NetGalley
Read this book if you like:
🏘 social theories
👤 psychological theories
👨👩👧� family stories, family dynamics
👭🏽 friendship
😚 nonromantic intimacy
Opening Quote: Language like my other half suggests that you only graduate to being a full human once you have a romantic partner. Loc. 618.
Three (or more) things I loved:
1. I love that this book looks at the invisible pitfalls of the popularity of the romantic relationship. Who could find fault with someone marrying their best friend? Well...[The] spouse - is - my - best - friend phenomenon feels like hoarding ; spouses, who are already in a place of honor, get to claim the top title in another relationship category. This privileging of romantic relationships can make them feel compulsory. Loc.611.
Three (or less) things I didn't love:
This section isn't only for criticisms. It's merely for items that I felt something for other than "love" or some interpretation thereof.
1. I can tell Cohen's sources and resources are excellent. Unfortunately, she didn't arrange or present the information in an intriguing way or even in a way that communicates the urgency of her main point. Significant overlap between her points (chapters) creates repetition and makes the read feel dry.
2. I'm so surprised to say this, given my interest in the book's subject, but I am not the right audience for this book. The author seems to be writing for readers who need convincing that friendship can be a primary intimate relationship. She advocates over and over for the main idea-- that nonromantic relationships can be fulfilling primary partnerships in people's lives. Being already firmly in the author's camp, I kept waiting for the book to broaden its approach to the subject. Unfortunately, I DNFed at 33%.
Rating: DNF @ 33%
Recommend? Yes, for readers who want to learn more about the author's argument!
Finished: Feb 8 '24
Format: Digital arc, Kindle, NetGalley
Read this book if you like:
🏘 social theories
👤 psychological theories
👨👩👧� family stories, family dynamics
👭🏽 friendship
😚 nonromantic intimacy
March 23, 2024
An exploration not just about friendship but platonic life partners. The author uses a variety of terms for these important friendships, people who might choose to live or parent together, serve as a caregiver for one another, and so on. While these relationships can be as important as that of a spouse, there’s a lack of recognition with the government and our laws, which can lead to unnecessary difficulty.
I found this to be incredibly interesting and a timely read for this season of my life. Friendships mean everything to me as a single woman but I don’t have anyone I’d consider to be a platonic life partner. However, I do have friends with whom I celebrate holidays and we call each other “framily�.
There were a few issues. It would have been helpful to discuss how to find a relationship like this, perhaps using queerplatonic relationships as a model, or what people can do if they don’t have someone to fulfill this role. The author doesn’t address codependency, which made me question the health of some of the relationships profiled, including her own with her friend M. Indeed, I found the M sections to be self-indulgent, especially when we learn Related: the grief chapter mentions friend breakups but curiously didn’t provide an example of how to navigate this; the focus was on deaths of friends and the devolution of a friendship from platonic life partner to best friend. Those things are important but she should have framed the chapter much differently as a result. Race is not identified for white participants, only POC.
Despite these issues, it was really thought-provoking and insightful. Recommended for anyone who enjoys reading about friendship and community and the ways we can create our own found families.
Content notes: death of friends (suicide, cancer), death of parents (cancer, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s), death of adult child (heart attack), end of life issues, heart failure, controlling boyfriend, PTSD, divorce, biphobia, homophobia, acephobia, gay man who went to conversion therapy (believes in celibacy for LGBTQ Christians), misogyny, toxic masculinity, COVID-19, AIDS epidemic, child with brain injury, child with low red blood cell count, child with genetic condition, infertility, pregnancy (including via sperm donor), emergency C-section, brief NICU stay (umbilical cord was knotted), adoption and declaration of parentage, guardianship, military deployment, compulsory sexuality and coupledom, Romani slur (quote from interviewee), alcohol, ableist language, mention of past self-harm
I found this to be incredibly interesting and a timely read for this season of my life. Friendships mean everything to me as a single woman but I don’t have anyone I’d consider to be a platonic life partner. However, I do have friends with whom I celebrate holidays and we call each other “framily�.
There were a few issues. It would have been helpful to discuss how to find a relationship like this, perhaps using queerplatonic relationships as a model, or what people can do if they don’t have someone to fulfill this role. The author doesn’t address codependency, which made me question the health of some of the relationships profiled, including her own with her friend M. Indeed, I found the M sections to be self-indulgent, especially when we learn Related: the grief chapter mentions friend breakups but curiously didn’t provide an example of how to navigate this; the focus was on deaths of friends and the devolution of a friendship from platonic life partner to best friend. Those things are important but she should have framed the chapter much differently as a result. Race is not identified for white participants, only POC.
Despite these issues, it was really thought-provoking and insightful. Recommended for anyone who enjoys reading about friendship and community and the ways we can create our own found families.
Content notes: death of friends (suicide, cancer), death of parents (cancer, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s), death of adult child (heart attack), end of life issues, heart failure, controlling boyfriend, PTSD, divorce, biphobia, homophobia, acephobia, gay man who went to conversion therapy (believes in celibacy for LGBTQ Christians), misogyny, toxic masculinity, COVID-19, AIDS epidemic, child with brain injury, child with low red blood cell count, child with genetic condition, infertility, pregnancy (including via sperm donor), emergency C-section, brief NICU stay (umbilical cord was knotted), adoption and declaration of parentage, guardianship, military deployment, compulsory sexuality and coupledom, Romani slur (quote from interviewee), alcohol, ableist language, mention of past self-harm
December 10, 2023
Rhaina Cohen's "The Other Significant Others" shares well-researched stories about how close friends forged and sustained their relationships -- and it absolutely opened my heart and mind. As I read this book, I realized just how deeply messages about the hierarchy of relationships (partner/spouse/nuclear family first, then friendships) have seeped into my own life. For me, this is the best kind of writing: generous and transformative.
Cohen's discussion of how friendships between men and between women have changed from antiquity and the early modern period to the Victorian era and the present day is one of the most interesting sections of the book; I have often wondered why closeness between friends could encompass writing sentimental poetry and walking together with arms entwined in the late 19th century but not 100 years later. It is liberating to learn that there is a long history of devotion, care, and love between friends and that there have always been different ways of creating relationships in the world.
I cannot wait to share and discuss this book with my closest friends when it is published and I am thankful to NetGalley and St. Martin's Press for the opportunity to read and review it.
Cohen's discussion of how friendships between men and between women have changed from antiquity and the early modern period to the Victorian era and the present day is one of the most interesting sections of the book; I have often wondered why closeness between friends could encompass writing sentimental poetry and walking together with arms entwined in the late 19th century but not 100 years later. It is liberating to learn that there is a long history of devotion, care, and love between friends and that there have always been different ways of creating relationships in the world.
I cannot wait to share and discuss this book with my closest friends when it is published and I am thankful to NetGalley and St. Martin's Press for the opportunity to read and review it.
April 22, 2024
The core tenet of this book is one worth propagating and a sentiment I can only agree with. Unfortunately, it fails to convey it properly. It seeks to blend the academic and the anecdotal, but doesn't really accomplish either. The insights are neither insightful nor new. The stories of the people should be touching, but end up feeling clinical and cold. A missed opportunity.
July 24, 2024
The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center
by Rhaina Cohen discussed in depth something I've been thinking about for a while and I was thrilled to find her book exploring this idea.
Humanity has been forming families in many different ways throughout time - according to the needs of their era, location, number and requirements of resource management within the values of their cultures. In my own life there have been many more models (successful!) than two birth parents and resulting children. Depending on lives and deaths, there have been aunts and/or uncles raising whatever extended family children were orphaned, abandoned or kicked-out. There have been grandparents, second cousins and long losts of all sorts needing and accepting parental roles throughout history. Brothers and sisters have been life-long partners, and best friends have also forged life-long partnerships. This isn't new. But it is time that our western culture carve out a legal space for individuals outside the man-woman-bio kid model assumed (and so required in order to be covered) by most of our legal systems.
Kudos to the author for beginning the conversation, getting it out there for people to think about in a different way - whatever raises humans up in love, safety, respecting the rights, liberties and equal standings of ALL others is what is needed. It's a start we've needed for a long time.
*A sincere thank you to Rhaina Cohen, Macmillan Audio, and NetGalley for an ARC to read and independently review.*
Humanity has been forming families in many different ways throughout time - according to the needs of their era, location, number and requirements of resource management within the values of their cultures. In my own life there have been many more models (successful!) than two birth parents and resulting children. Depending on lives and deaths, there have been aunts and/or uncles raising whatever extended family children were orphaned, abandoned or kicked-out. There have been grandparents, second cousins and long losts of all sorts needing and accepting parental roles throughout history. Brothers and sisters have been life-long partners, and best friends have also forged life-long partnerships. This isn't new. But it is time that our western culture carve out a legal space for individuals outside the man-woman-bio kid model assumed (and so required in order to be covered) by most of our legal systems.
Kudos to the author for beginning the conversation, getting it out there for people to think about in a different way - whatever raises humans up in love, safety, respecting the rights, liberties and equal standings of ALL others is what is needed. It's a start we've needed for a long time.
*A sincere thank you to Rhaina Cohen, Macmillan Audio, and NetGalley for an ARC to read and independently review.*
June 16, 2024
I love any book about friendship, but alas this felt more like an essay-worthy idea expanded into a book length.
October 8, 2023
This was a great read. A very interesting conversation about the people in our lives that become our chosen family; and how a lot of dated mindsets/traditions/expectations and even laws need to change to make space for those we deem most important to our lives. The trajectory of a relationship isn’t one size fits all and this book gives all the different nuances of different relationship combinations space to be. Thought-provoking personal accounts and research. Also felt really relatable.
ARC won in ŷ Giveaways; thank you St. Martin's Press for this opportunity! Opinions expressed in this review are completely my own.
ARC won in ŷ Giveaways; thank you St. Martin's Press for this opportunity! Opinions expressed in this review are completely my own.
October 11, 2023
I have a couple girlfriends that I consider to be sisters. Their kids are my nieces and nephews. They are an extension of me. That’s what made this book so interesting. I felt like I was reading about different parts of my life, finally able to “define� my feelings and views about these people. It was very refreshing to read the author’s views on the subject. This book was well written, and I loved the book enough that I plan to give a copy to my girlfriends.
September 23, 2023
This is well researched and written in a beautiful way. It explores relationships we have with others besides the one you might think of at first. I loved it! Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC. Five stars!
February 24, 2024
Okay so on the one hand this was great - really thoughtful about what adulthood and relationships do, can, and should look like in the 21st century, and broadly I loved the point she was making.
That being said, the book itself is very North American centric, and I felt at times over-relied on case studies over studies or analysis.
That being said, the book itself is very North American centric, and I felt at times over-relied on case studies over studies or analysis.
October 17, 2023
The Other Significant Others is a vulnerable, meticulously researched, and compassionate reimagining of the relationships that sit at the center of our lives. By spotlighting people who choose to prioritize platonic partnerships, Cohen demonstrates that we, as a society, are in desperate need for a redefinition of partnership � both legally and culturally. Her writing is clear, kind and full of personality, all while maintaining a journalistic rigor in reporting. I found myself feeling connected both to Cohen and to the platonic partners she describes in the book. This is a must-read for 2024.
November 23, 2023
I absolutely adored this book - I thought it did a great job gently challenging many of the norms (cultural and legal) that elevate marriage as the only path to intimacy and companionship through assorted vignettes
July 8, 2024
Super helpful and humane examination of relationships and the forces behind the social hierarchies we apply to them. Right on time for me in terms of thinking about how I'd like to grow old in community and companionship.
November 25, 2024
I honestly really enjoyed this book. This has been something on my mind for years -- as somebody who doesn't want to get married, and is not interested in the narrative that I must have a partner to be completed, I've been very drawn to friendship and community and trying to redefine what that can look like, given the dearth of examples in Western culture. The various groups here were really interesting, but mostly I just appreciated the confirmation that this is something others want as well, and hope that maybe moving away from a marriage-centric society isn't totally impossible (if unlikely in my lifetime).
January 4, 2024
a really interesting look at the ways that relationships outside of romantic & sexual ones impact our lives, and the ways that society chooses not to prioritize them. i found myself reflecting a lot about my close friendships, and how often they're just as meaningful as my relationship with my partner but in different ways. as a queer person, the chapter on queer relationships & found family really resonated. highly highly recommend this one.
February 29, 2024
I read this because as someone who was raised without any siblings in my home, and a very small family, I always wanted friendship to be more centered in society at large. I centered my friendships but frequently found that they centered their extended families above friendship. I couldn't continue to prioritize people who didn't prioritize me back. I still have a lot of close friendships, most of which get closer to my ideal than friendships in general. I also know friendships like the ones described in this book, frequently among older women who have stopped pursuing romantic relationships. It was unique and refreshing to read about people who had both romantic relationships as well as the big-sized friendships I desire.
December 20, 2024
I love when books make you consider things that have never crossed your mind before, or when they reveal a new facet to something you thought you already knew. This book did that for me a lot, and I think everyone would benefit from reading it, most especially young adults.
For one, it made me more closely consider my beliefs regarding friendship and better articulate why I value it so much. I've always been a little murky on why romantic relationships get elevated above all others, platonic or familial. It seems normal and natural to move to a new city for a romantic partner, but why not a friend? What if your friend knows you just as well as a partner, or what if you've known the friend for longer? Why does one take precedence? Maybe it's the presumption that a partner will do more for you (take care of you in illness, merge finances, start a family, etc.), but as is illustrated, chapter by chapter with a new case study friendship in each, all of these things can be boxes checked by a friend, too.
Of course, our standard conception of friendships doesn't usually extend this far, to such lengths of devotion and intertwining. As the author points out, the limitations of this standard conception are probably a contributing factor to why such exceptional friendships aren't more common; we just don't have the framework for it. The people who are showcased in the book often talk about how illegible they are to others. They lack terminology that is immediately understandable and conveys the importance of their friendship. It's easy to distinguish between romantic and platonic relationships because they belong to different commonly understood categories, but it's more difficult to distinguish between different degrees of friendship. "Husband" or "wife" or "partner" is automatically afforded more weight than "friend." Legally, too, it is difficult to demand that a friendship be recognized, even when the friends in question are entrusted with things are serious as caregiving and co-parenting. Sometimes friends are mistaken as a romantic couple, as if emotional intensity and investment of such depth could only possibly be romantic in nature.
In general, the author calls into question whether the line between romantic and platonic relationships is truly so stark. She talks about how a friend of hers asked how her marriage functionally differed from her closest friendship, and the only real distinction she could come up with was sex and cohabitation. But that's not even universally true--many friends have sex and/or live together without considering themselves to be in a romantic relationship. This same friend told her that she was effectively practicing polyamory with her husband and this close friend, and while the author didn't quite jive with the label and the connotations it carries, I can see where he was coming from.
When I first got on The Dating Apps, I told Laurie that I was concerned about my inexperience with relationships. As she so rightly pointed out, I have plenty of experience with relationships. I'm surrounded by so many people, and each one of them represents a relationship I've cultivated from a point of totally not knowing them to the current day, where I easily place them in my day-to-day and enjoy how they enrich my life (and hopefully do the same for them). In fact, I think I've struggled to stay interested in dating apps because I feel immensely fulfilled by the relationships I already have. We all know people who drop off the face of the world when they start dating someone, and while it's true that every new relationship is developed with time that might be reallocated from other, existing relationships, I hope I won't be guilty of that. I don't want any future partner displacing my friends, and I don't want to do that do someone else.
I feel like I'm not even really articulating all the ways that this book introduced new ideas or shifted my perspective on already known ones, but it really did! I think it'll help me go forward with a more discerning eye for how I am or am not fulfilled by my network of relationships rather than fixating on whether that network resembles the “ideal� adult's nuclear family + friends at a distant second.
I'm just super glad I read this! Yet another What Now? certified hit. Thanks, Trevor Noah.
For one, it made me more closely consider my beliefs regarding friendship and better articulate why I value it so much. I've always been a little murky on why romantic relationships get elevated above all others, platonic or familial. It seems normal and natural to move to a new city for a romantic partner, but why not a friend? What if your friend knows you just as well as a partner, or what if you've known the friend for longer? Why does one take precedence? Maybe it's the presumption that a partner will do more for you (take care of you in illness, merge finances, start a family, etc.), but as is illustrated, chapter by chapter with a new case study friendship in each, all of these things can be boxes checked by a friend, too.
Of course, our standard conception of friendships doesn't usually extend this far, to such lengths of devotion and intertwining. As the author points out, the limitations of this standard conception are probably a contributing factor to why such exceptional friendships aren't more common; we just don't have the framework for it. The people who are showcased in the book often talk about how illegible they are to others. They lack terminology that is immediately understandable and conveys the importance of their friendship. It's easy to distinguish between romantic and platonic relationships because they belong to different commonly understood categories, but it's more difficult to distinguish between different degrees of friendship. "Husband" or "wife" or "partner" is automatically afforded more weight than "friend." Legally, too, it is difficult to demand that a friendship be recognized, even when the friends in question are entrusted with things are serious as caregiving and co-parenting. Sometimes friends are mistaken as a romantic couple, as if emotional intensity and investment of such depth could only possibly be romantic in nature.
In general, the author calls into question whether the line between romantic and platonic relationships is truly so stark. She talks about how a friend of hers asked how her marriage functionally differed from her closest friendship, and the only real distinction she could come up with was sex and cohabitation. But that's not even universally true--many friends have sex and/or live together without considering themselves to be in a romantic relationship. This same friend told her that she was effectively practicing polyamory with her husband and this close friend, and while the author didn't quite jive with the label and the connotations it carries, I can see where he was coming from.
When I first got on The Dating Apps, I told Laurie that I was concerned about my inexperience with relationships. As she so rightly pointed out, I have plenty of experience with relationships. I'm surrounded by so many people, and each one of them represents a relationship I've cultivated from a point of totally not knowing them to the current day, where I easily place them in my day-to-day and enjoy how they enrich my life (and hopefully do the same for them). In fact, I think I've struggled to stay interested in dating apps because I feel immensely fulfilled by the relationships I already have. We all know people who drop off the face of the world when they start dating someone, and while it's true that every new relationship is developed with time that might be reallocated from other, existing relationships, I hope I won't be guilty of that. I don't want any future partner displacing my friends, and I don't want to do that do someone else.
I feel like I'm not even really articulating all the ways that this book introduced new ideas or shifted my perspective on already known ones, but it really did! I think it'll help me go forward with a more discerning eye for how I am or am not fulfilled by my network of relationships rather than fixating on whether that network resembles the “ideal� adult's nuclear family + friends at a distant second.
I'm just super glad I read this! Yet another What Now? certified hit. Thanks, Trevor Noah.
September 19, 2023
It's safe to say that I have spent far too much time in the past few years devouring any book I could get my hands on related to complicating the intimacies of friendship (see , , Queering Friendship, , etc.), but Rhaina Cohen's The Other Significant Others really takes the cake. To say it's the book I've been looking for may be a bit dramatic, but it covers a lot of ground really, really (really!) well.
The Other Significant Others is divided into 8 chapters, plus an Introduction and an Epilogue. Each chapter focuses on a key aspect of platonic life partnership/romantic friendships, blending together social science research, anecdotes from actual partners, and Cohen's own personal experience with a close friend named Em. The chapters tackle defining these friendships, compulsory coupledom (a concept of Cohen's own making derived from amatonormativity), queerness (including asexuality), masculinity and emotional intimacy, child rearing, care giving, grieving, and legal benefits.
Folks who know me well will recognize many of my favorite talking points echoed throughout Cohen's work. She does an excellent job blending the emotional depth of these intimate friendships with all of the socio-political commentary a girl could ask for. For example in the chapter on grieving, Cohen tackles her own friendship heartbreak and the inequity of work bereavement policies. Since this is a topic I both think about and read about a LOT, I found Cohen's book to be more affirming than enlightening (unsurprising considering I've read a solid portion of Cohen's bibliography). However, if you're new to the topic, you're guaranteed to learn a wealth of information in a very engaging way. I'll certainly still take away some new bits and pieces
I do, however, have some minor quibbles with this book, especially as a queer ace person. As I mentioned earlier, Cohen has positioned her book as a challenge to compulsory coupledom, which she argues is derived from amatonormativity. However, it was frustrating that Cohen a) focused on folks who primarily came into these relationships unintentionally and b) continued to conflate sex and romance throughout the book, despite clearly understanding their distinction. For example, while Cohen does include an ace narrative in her book, she does not discuss queer platonic relationships (QPRs) at all. This is especially curious considering how in Chapter 1, Cohen discusses the limits of modern language to discuss these kinds of relationships. The ace community has developed the framework of QPRs, which has provided some greater understanding of these relationships and has allowed some folks to enter these relationships with greater intentionality. Furthermore, Cohen shies away from polyamorous relationship styles (although she mentions them), seemingly because she doesn't view herself as having multiple sexual or romantic partners. But there are polyamorous frameworks, like Relationship Anarchy, that specifically make space for platonic partnerships and their exclusion in this book was disappointing.
To my second point, I was also surprised to see that Cohen alluded to the split attraction model (which states that your romantic orientation can be different from your sexual orientation) but never delved deeply into it. I think it is fascinating to consider whether or not these intimate platonic relationships are romantic or not and I think the split attraction model helps open up the possibilities of romance existing outside of sexual relationships. In fact, it would have been lovely to include greater reference to people in romantic relationships devoid of sex. Cohen's avoidance of the topic feels almost like an avoidance of difficult questions. If sex is the only defining difference between her relationship with Em and her relationship with Marco, how is her relationship with Em different than the relationship between two asexual homoromantic lesbians? I don't think she knows the answer to this, but I wish she had at least raised the question.
I also found myself really desperate for clearer definitions! While Cohen talks about how romance can be distinct from sex, she continues to conflate the two in the rest of the book, often using "romantic relationships" as a contrast for "platonic relationships" (this, despite the fact that she acknowledges that some of these platonic relationships are also romantic!). I believe this is because she's referencing "modern romance" but the distinction is often unclear.
However, overall I really loved this book! Cohen brings such care and tenderness to the topic that is really easily felt. She has a knack for capturing the deep and abiding love between her subjects. I think readers will find their worlds a bit brighter and bigger after reading it and I'm looking forward to owning a physical copy that I can scribble all over.
If folks are looking for more books that push the envelope and help us reimagine what community care might look like, I really recommend Mia Birdsong's !!!
The Other Significant Others is divided into 8 chapters, plus an Introduction and an Epilogue. Each chapter focuses on a key aspect of platonic life partnership/romantic friendships, blending together social science research, anecdotes from actual partners, and Cohen's own personal experience with a close friend named Em. The chapters tackle defining these friendships, compulsory coupledom (a concept of Cohen's own making derived from amatonormativity), queerness (including asexuality), masculinity and emotional intimacy, child rearing, care giving, grieving, and legal benefits.
Folks who know me well will recognize many of my favorite talking points echoed throughout Cohen's work. She does an excellent job blending the emotional depth of these intimate friendships with all of the socio-political commentary a girl could ask for. For example in the chapter on grieving, Cohen tackles her own friendship heartbreak and the inequity of work bereavement policies. Since this is a topic I both think about and read about a LOT, I found Cohen's book to be more affirming than enlightening (unsurprising considering I've read a solid portion of Cohen's bibliography). However, if you're new to the topic, you're guaranteed to learn a wealth of information in a very engaging way. I'll certainly still take away some new bits and pieces
I do, however, have some minor quibbles with this book, especially as a queer ace person. As I mentioned earlier, Cohen has positioned her book as a challenge to compulsory coupledom, which she argues is derived from amatonormativity. However, it was frustrating that Cohen a) focused on folks who primarily came into these relationships unintentionally and b) continued to conflate sex and romance throughout the book, despite clearly understanding their distinction. For example, while Cohen does include an ace narrative in her book, she does not discuss queer platonic relationships (QPRs) at all. This is especially curious considering how in Chapter 1, Cohen discusses the limits of modern language to discuss these kinds of relationships. The ace community has developed the framework of QPRs, which has provided some greater understanding of these relationships and has allowed some folks to enter these relationships with greater intentionality. Furthermore, Cohen shies away from polyamorous relationship styles (although she mentions them), seemingly because she doesn't view herself as having multiple sexual or romantic partners. But there are polyamorous frameworks, like Relationship Anarchy, that specifically make space for platonic partnerships and their exclusion in this book was disappointing.
To my second point, I was also surprised to see that Cohen alluded to the split attraction model (which states that your romantic orientation can be different from your sexual orientation) but never delved deeply into it. I think it is fascinating to consider whether or not these intimate platonic relationships are romantic or not and I think the split attraction model helps open up the possibilities of romance existing outside of sexual relationships. In fact, it would have been lovely to include greater reference to people in romantic relationships devoid of sex. Cohen's avoidance of the topic feels almost like an avoidance of difficult questions. If sex is the only defining difference between her relationship with Em and her relationship with Marco, how is her relationship with Em different than the relationship between two asexual homoromantic lesbians? I don't think she knows the answer to this, but I wish she had at least raised the question.
I also found myself really desperate for clearer definitions! While Cohen talks about how romance can be distinct from sex, she continues to conflate the two in the rest of the book, often using "romantic relationships" as a contrast for "platonic relationships" (this, despite the fact that she acknowledges that some of these platonic relationships are also romantic!). I believe this is because she's referencing "modern romance" but the distinction is often unclear.
However, overall I really loved this book! Cohen brings such care and tenderness to the topic that is really easily felt. She has a knack for capturing the deep and abiding love between her subjects. I think readers will find their worlds a bit brighter and bigger after reading it and I'm looking forward to owning a physical copy that I can scribble all over.
If folks are looking for more books that push the envelope and help us reimagine what community care might look like, I really recommend Mia Birdsong's !!!
November 30, 2024
A really interesting concept, delving into relationships that transcend our understanding of friendships, and the challenges and successes they face. In a world where legally, socially, your most important relationship is supposed to be your spouse, what happens when that isn’t true?
The book examines this through some examples of friendships, which was interesting but not what I expected, and the anecdotal nature is a challenge for me. It definitely made me more interested in how we handle romantic relationships, but I would have appreciated a different structure I think.
The book examines this through some examples of friendships, which was interesting but not what I expected, and the anecdotal nature is a challenge for me. It definitely made me more interested in how we handle romantic relationships, but I would have appreciated a different structure I think.
April 28, 2025
While it was informative, I expected more philosophical features in this book and less of the academic nature I got from the actual book.
The author makes great points that I agree with but I felt like it touched less on the emotional side of friendships. It was nice to read about the stories of platonic relationships and all the ways you can see how best friends will stand by each other no matter what, exactly how society believes spouses will.
And well it was informative and interesting, the connection to same sex marriage and the amount of times the author mentioned how others assumed these couples were gay threw me off.
To say the least I expected something different, what I got wasn’t bad but if I’d known I don’t think I would’ve grativated towards this book.
The author makes great points that I agree with but I felt like it touched less on the emotional side of friendships. It was nice to read about the stories of platonic relationships and all the ways you can see how best friends will stand by each other no matter what, exactly how society believes spouses will.
And well it was informative and interesting, the connection to same sex marriage and the amount of times the author mentioned how others assumed these couples were gay threw me off.
To say the least I expected something different, what I got wasn’t bad but if I’d known I don’t think I would’ve grativated towards this book.
July 30, 2024
Platonic relationships are just as valuable as romantic relationships!
August 30, 2023
Title: A Thoughtful Review of "The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center" by Rhaina Cohen
Introduction:
"The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center" by Rhaina Cohen challenges societal norms by examining the significance of deep friendships in our lives. In a world where romantic relationships often take center stage, Cohen delves into the lives of individuals who have embraced unconventional yet profoundly meaningful friendships as the cornerstone of their existence. This comprehensive review explores the essence of the book, shedding light on its exploration of platonic partnerships, societal assumptions, and the transformative power of meaningful connections.
Redefining Relationship Importance:
Cohen boldly questions why society places romantic relationships above friendships and challenges the assumption that romantic partners should meet all of our emotional needs. By examining the lives of those who have chosen to prioritize friendships, she dismantles societal norms and encourages readers to consider the various dimensions of commitment, love, and family. This perspective serves as an eye-opening exploration of the multifaceted nature of relationships.
Diverse Stories of Connection:
Through intimate portraits of platonic partners, Cohen reveals the diverse and heartwarming stories of those who have chosen unconventional paths. From co-parenting to being each other's caregivers, these stories encompass a range of experiences that showcase the depth and complexity of these profound connections. Cohen emphasizes that friendship-based partnerships are not limited to a specific demographic but are accessible to individuals from all walks of life.
Challenging Assumptions:
Cohen's exploration challenges preconceived notions about partnership. By showcasing relationships where sex isn't a defining feature and raising children doesn't necessitate a romantic connection, she prompts readers to reconsider the assumptions that underlie our understanding of meaningful relationships. This challenge to societal norms encourages readers to question and redefine their own relationship priorities.
Historical and Social Context:
Drawing from extensive research, Cohen traces the historical shifts in societal perspectives on relationships. She highlights that throughout history, the emphasis on marriage as the primary source of meaning and love has varied. This historical context invites readers to reconsider the prevalent norms and expectations that shape our views on relationships today.
Embracing Profound Connections:
At a time when loneliness is a prevalent concern and diverse forms of connection are needed, Cohen's book encourages readers to recognize the numerous ways that meaningful relationships can anchor their lives. By questioning expectations and recognizing the value of deep friendships, Cohen invites readers to reflect on their desires and redefine what constitutes a fulfilling life.
Conclusion:
"The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center" challenges readers to reevaluate their understanding of relationships, love, and commitment. Rhaina Cohen's work amplifies the stories of those who have embraced deep friendships as life partners, inviting us to expand our perspectives on connection and fulfillment. Through a thought-provoking blend of personal narratives, historical insights, and social science research, Cohen inspires readers to question societal norms and embrace the transformative power of authentic, platonic connections. This book serves as a timely reminder that meaningful relationships take various forms, each offering the potential to enrich our lives in profound ways.
Introduction:
"The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center" by Rhaina Cohen challenges societal norms by examining the significance of deep friendships in our lives. In a world where romantic relationships often take center stage, Cohen delves into the lives of individuals who have embraced unconventional yet profoundly meaningful friendships as the cornerstone of their existence. This comprehensive review explores the essence of the book, shedding light on its exploration of platonic partnerships, societal assumptions, and the transformative power of meaningful connections.
Redefining Relationship Importance:
Cohen boldly questions why society places romantic relationships above friendships and challenges the assumption that romantic partners should meet all of our emotional needs. By examining the lives of those who have chosen to prioritize friendships, she dismantles societal norms and encourages readers to consider the various dimensions of commitment, love, and family. This perspective serves as an eye-opening exploration of the multifaceted nature of relationships.
Diverse Stories of Connection:
Through intimate portraits of platonic partners, Cohen reveals the diverse and heartwarming stories of those who have chosen unconventional paths. From co-parenting to being each other's caregivers, these stories encompass a range of experiences that showcase the depth and complexity of these profound connections. Cohen emphasizes that friendship-based partnerships are not limited to a specific demographic but are accessible to individuals from all walks of life.
Challenging Assumptions:
Cohen's exploration challenges preconceived notions about partnership. By showcasing relationships where sex isn't a defining feature and raising children doesn't necessitate a romantic connection, she prompts readers to reconsider the assumptions that underlie our understanding of meaningful relationships. This challenge to societal norms encourages readers to question and redefine their own relationship priorities.
Historical and Social Context:
Drawing from extensive research, Cohen traces the historical shifts in societal perspectives on relationships. She highlights that throughout history, the emphasis on marriage as the primary source of meaning and love has varied. This historical context invites readers to reconsider the prevalent norms and expectations that shape our views on relationships today.
Embracing Profound Connections:
At a time when loneliness is a prevalent concern and diverse forms of connection are needed, Cohen's book encourages readers to recognize the numerous ways that meaningful relationships can anchor their lives. By questioning expectations and recognizing the value of deep friendships, Cohen invites readers to reflect on their desires and redefine what constitutes a fulfilling life.
Conclusion:
"The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center" challenges readers to reevaluate their understanding of relationships, love, and commitment. Rhaina Cohen's work amplifies the stories of those who have embraced deep friendships as life partners, inviting us to expand our perspectives on connection and fulfillment. Through a thought-provoking blend of personal narratives, historical insights, and social science research, Cohen inspires readers to question societal norms and embrace the transformative power of authentic, platonic connections. This book serves as a timely reminder that meaningful relationships take various forms, each offering the potential to enrich our lives in profound ways.
December 29, 2024
So good! Very revolutionary and ahead of its time IMO. It was definitely different than I expected it to be - it focused a lot more on queer relationships and how marital laws still discriminate against them, as well as how marital laws affect non-romantic partnerships/friendships. Such sweet stories about meaningful friendships all throughout the book. Learned so much and really enjoyed this.
April 1, 2024
Over all I found this book to be a profound source of encouragement and thought provoking questions about deep friendships, partnership, and life long relationships that go beyond the simple boxes we have as modern western men and women.
How did we get it so twisted to place all of our greatest relational needs into the basket of marriage when it’s clear in life and in scripture that marriage is just one of many sources of encouragement, trust, and challenge in relationships. We are not all fortunate enough to experience deep meaningful decades long platonic friendships like those in the book but I hope to be and it’s what I’ve been building my life towards.
How did we get it so twisted to place all of our greatest relational needs into the basket of marriage when it’s clear in life and in scripture that marriage is just one of many sources of encouragement, trust, and challenge in relationships. We are not all fortunate enough to experience deep meaningful decades long platonic friendships like those in the book but I hope to be and it’s what I’ve been building my life towards.
July 29, 2024
This has been the year of “The Other Significant Others”� after listening to Ezra Klein’s interview of Rhaina Cohen in the winter anddd making all of my closest friends do the same, we spent a lot of time reflecting on the deep relationships in our lives, the importance of community, and what it might look like to let these two things lead us rather than seeking to make our relationships fit the “defaults� we are taught. These conversations alone have brought me closer to my friends. We’ve asked questions of each other that, in the past, I would have reserved for romantic partners� what would it look like to co-parent together? Make future plans around each other? Live in the same neighborhood in ten years? How would we juggle our family commitments?
This book is NOT a refute of romantic love or partnership. It is a creative investigation of meaningful friendships that break norms of closeness and how to develop relationships that reach their full potential (which for sure will not mean living together for the majority of people). Although she doesn’t use this term, what Cohen describes sounds to me a lot like queering a relationship. It’s about stepping outside assumed bounds of a connection and then discovering something new and authentic to your unique relationship together.
This book feels especially important right now when so many people are experiencing intense loneliness and isolation, and when a lot of people my age have divorced parents or are questioning the nuclear family structure. Maybe we’ve boxed ourselves in? Maybe it’s time to think about other ways of organizing our homes/relationships/families?
So thought-provoking and wholehearted. If you read this, please let me know <3
This book is NOT a refute of romantic love or partnership. It is a creative investigation of meaningful friendships that break norms of closeness and how to develop relationships that reach their full potential (which for sure will not mean living together for the majority of people). Although she doesn’t use this term, what Cohen describes sounds to me a lot like queering a relationship. It’s about stepping outside assumed bounds of a connection and then discovering something new and authentic to your unique relationship together.
This book feels especially important right now when so many people are experiencing intense loneliness and isolation, and when a lot of people my age have divorced parents or are questioning the nuclear family structure. Maybe we’ve boxed ourselves in? Maybe it’s time to think about other ways of organizing our homes/relationships/families?
So thought-provoking and wholehearted. If you read this, please let me know <3
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 797 reviews
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get help and learn more about the design.