What do you think?
Rate this book
434 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1987
Gonzalo is a sensual volcano, afire, never enough. I am ready to ask for mercy! I did not believe, after all the idealism, the chastity, the emotionalism, that we could descend into this furnace of animal desire. Now it is several times in one moment, until we lie dead with exhaustion. He smears his face with honey and sperm, we kiss in this odor and wetness, and we possess each other over and over again madly. Yet I cannot have an orgasm. Why, why, why?
I live in a sort of furnace of affections, loves, desires, inventions, creations, activities, and reveries. I cannot describe my life in facts because the ecstasy does not lie in the facts, in what happens or what I do, but in what is aroused in me and what is created out of all this... I live in a very physical and metaphysical reality all together...
Life is a dance to me, a profound, sacred, joyous, mysterious, symbolic, soulful dance�. Through the marketplaces, the whorehouses, the abattoirs, the butcher shops, the laboratories, hospitals, Montparnasse, I walk with my dream unfurled and lose myself in my own labyrinths, and the dream unfurled carries me...
"I danced for Huck, spontaneously, in my Spanish costumes, and he was moved because he said I was his creation, dancing, and also that he was dancing in me.
Telephone calls. Flowers. Red roses. Courtship. Flattery. Adulation. Carnations. Henry is suffering, but he has become real. Our love has become real to him.
I buy cigarettes, magazines, little things, clothes, for his room, 703 [at the Barbizon Plaza]. I prepare the room for him. I prepare to envelop him. In his last letter he begs me, "Be tender to me, be loving. I need you so much. I have given myself to you." This new love for me, for the Me who ran away, who forgot him, who was cruel: I want it. I have become June. He uses the same phrases, but they sound more sincere. Suffering. Real suffering. Real tears.
Hugh, too, is running after the feu follet, the will-o'-the-wisp. Obsessed, courting, wooing.
The core of my life is a tragic and deep situation which I cannot face. I cannot abandon Hugh. I cannot hurt Henry. I cannot hurt Huck. I belong to all of them.
The core: Henry, my Henry. Mad, like Knut Hamsun, false, and full of literature, and lacking in understanding. Henry.
Huck, Huck, so true in his feelings, so deep in his feelings, so deep in his thoughts, laughing and weeping.
No tragedy. We don't want tragedy. If only I can continue with the lies, the illusions, oh, the lies to Hugh, and yet not all lies.
When I received his red roses New Year's night, I hated them, and yet I was so moved.
Moved.
I kept one under my pillow.
Unalterable ties.
Indissoluble ties. I can only add, expand. I cannot break, dissolve, push away."