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ما تعرفه عني عظامي
في سن الثلاثين، عاشت «ستيفاني فو» ناجحة على الورق: حصلت على وظيفة أحلامها كمنتجة إذاعية حازت الجوائز، تعيش قصة حب ناجحة، لديها علاقات اجتماعية مثمرة.
لكن خلف باب مكتبها، تعاني نوبات هلع وتبكي كل صباح. بعد سنوات من التساؤل عن سبب الألم الدفين، شُخصت ستيفاني باضطراب كرب ما بعد الصدمة المعقد، وهي حالة تحدث لمَن يُصاب بعدة صدمات على مدار سنوات من دون علاج.
تشاركنا «ستيفاني» في هذا الكتاب رحلتها للتعافي من هذه الصدمات، وكيف أثرت هذه الصدمات بصورة غير متوقعة في صحتها الجسدية وأصابتها بأمراض تستهدف العظام والأعصاب. لم تتوقع ستيفاني أن عليها العودة إلى إساءات الطفولة، لتلمس جذور الصدمات الموروثة، لكنها تشاركنا بشجاعة حكايتها كاملة.
لكن خلف باب مكتبها، تعاني نوبات هلع وتبكي كل صباح. بعد سنوات من التساؤل عن سبب الألم الدفين، شُخصت ستيفاني باضطراب كرب ما بعد الصدمة المعقد، وهي حالة تحدث لمَن يُصاب بعدة صدمات على مدار سنوات من دون علاج.
تشاركنا «ستيفاني» في هذا الكتاب رحلتها للتعافي من هذه الصدمات، وكيف أثرت هذه الصدمات بصورة غير متوقعة في صحتها الجسدية وأصابتها بأمراض تستهدف العظام والأعصاب. لم تتوقع ستيفاني أن عليها العودة إلى إساءات الطفولة، لتلمس جذور الصدمات الموروثة، لكنها تشاركنا بشجاعة حكايتها كاملة.
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First published February 22, 2022
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 8,290 reviews
June 5, 2022
Okay I loved this memoir! It has the same therapy appeal of
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
though with more attention paid to how culture and race affect mental health. In What My Bones Know, accomplished journalist Stephanie Foo writes about receiving a diagnosis of complex posttraumatic stress disorder and the steps she took to heal herself. One of the elements of this book I enjoyed right from the start includes how Foo writes about her trauma with such realness and vulnerability. The physical and emotional abuse her parents put her through felt painful to read though also cathartic as a fellow survivor of child abuse. In addition to destigmatizing child abuse and PTSD, Foo shed lights on her estrangement from her father that occurred later in her life. I imagine this book will feel comforting for folks who have also experienced difficult family dynamics, as Foo does not hold back about her pain even as she persists in her path forward to healing.
I also appreciated the nuance in which Foo wrote about Asian American mental health and intergenerational trauma. She avoids a simplistic and flattening explanation of “tiger parents� and opts to explore the impacts of intergenerational trauma instead. I found it both compassionate and assertive of her to recognize the immense struggles her parents and ancestors faced while at the same time recognizing the not-okayness of how her parents treated her.
What I felt most moved by in this memoir: Foo’s determination to heal. As someone who’s greatly benefited from years of receiving therapy myself and who works as a mental health clinician, I always admire when people are committed to addressing their issues even when it feels painful as heck. In addition to writing about the rewarding parts of help-seeking, Foo also shares the many ugly parts, like the difficulty of finding a therapist who actually felt helpful, the costs associated with therapy and how therapists are often underpaid, and her doubts about herself as someone capable of living a healthy and relationally-satisfying life. Despite these adversities, she somehow kept going, kept trying new and incrementally-helpful approaches like EMDR and gratitude journaling. When she writes about finding the therapist � Dr. Jacob Ham � who really helped her with her complex PTSD toward the end of the book and what her work with him consisted of, I found myself getting teary-eyed because it reminded me of my first long-term therapist who helped me heal from my own PTSD, as well as my own work as a clinician. Without a doubt one of the most genuine and most skillful portrayals of therapy I’ve seen across all forms of media.
Overall I would recommend this book to anyone interested in mental health, race and/or Asian American identity, and well-written stories imbued with self-awareness. Big kudos to Stephanie Foo for writing this book, an amazing accomplishment.
I also appreciated the nuance in which Foo wrote about Asian American mental health and intergenerational trauma. She avoids a simplistic and flattening explanation of “tiger parents� and opts to explore the impacts of intergenerational trauma instead. I found it both compassionate and assertive of her to recognize the immense struggles her parents and ancestors faced while at the same time recognizing the not-okayness of how her parents treated her.
What I felt most moved by in this memoir: Foo’s determination to heal. As someone who’s greatly benefited from years of receiving therapy myself and who works as a mental health clinician, I always admire when people are committed to addressing their issues even when it feels painful as heck. In addition to writing about the rewarding parts of help-seeking, Foo also shares the many ugly parts, like the difficulty of finding a therapist who actually felt helpful, the costs associated with therapy and how therapists are often underpaid, and her doubts about herself as someone capable of living a healthy and relationally-satisfying life. Despite these adversities, she somehow kept going, kept trying new and incrementally-helpful approaches like EMDR and gratitude journaling. When she writes about finding the therapist � Dr. Jacob Ham � who really helped her with her complex PTSD toward the end of the book and what her work with him consisted of, I found myself getting teary-eyed because it reminded me of my first long-term therapist who helped me heal from my own PTSD, as well as my own work as a clinician. Without a doubt one of the most genuine and most skillful portrayals of therapy I’ve seen across all forms of media.
Overall I would recommend this book to anyone interested in mental health, race and/or Asian American identity, and well-written stories imbued with self-awareness. Big kudos to Stephanie Foo for writing this book, an amazing accomplishment.
January 1, 2023
The best book I’ve read all year. As an Asian woman who also grew up from San Jose and chased external success to fill the void of family trauma and mental illness, Foo’s memoir hit very close to home. The beginning is tough to get through as she recounts the physical and verbal abuse she faced throughout childhood, yet it was the last 1/3 that made me cry as I read about the relief, happiness, and love she found in the end. Gut-wrenching and so well-written.
February 28, 2025
Perfect in every sense of the word. Raw and emotional, I found myself tearing up so many times throughout listening to this.
July 2, 2024
some life changing shit, for real� thank you, Stephanie🫶🏻
May 7, 2023
This is one of the best memoirs I’ve read about living with complex PTSD. It was a heartbreaking recollection of a shattering childhood and overcoming the beast within. It is about searching for answers and healing slowly, and I’m so happy her journey is out there to inspire and help others.
March 5, 2022
Audiobook�. Read by the author, Stephanie Foo
�..10 hours and 2 minutes
This is a very powerful [masterful in fact]�.
‘memoir/educational� book
about mental illness. - connected with physical illnesses —a wide range of behaviors� long-term brain alteration from abuse in early childhood � and other emotional struggles.
With such a general statement, I understand I’ve not offered up anything particularly enticing to encourage others to read this.
“I know, I know, we’ve read these books before�.
They’ve been around for decades.
So, what’s different about this book?
Well�.am I the only person to have just learned about
*COMPLEX* PTSD?
The fastest way I can describe the difference between PTSD and complex PTSD is think of Covid versus long Covid.
Stephanie Foo goes into great detail about ‘complex� PTSD�.the kind of information I believe could be very helpful for many people. Whether a victim or antagonist.
Even if you’re squeaky clean� *Super Duper* happy barely even know what the word depression means�-(man, I love you and want to be you),
anyone who knows anybody who has suffered with any form of mental illness, PTSD, abuse, estrangement, and other forms of trauma�-this is still an amazing worthy book to read.
Listening to the audiobook?: definitely two thumbs up. 👍🏻👍🏻
Stephanie Foo did a phenomenal job sharing her personal life experience with childhood depression, on-going long term depression, abandonment, childhood abuse, and the repercussions of trauma.
The spoiler � that’s not a spoiler � because Stephanie told us the spoiler herself at the beginning, is:
“It has a happy ending�.
I highly recommend this book unless you are one of those people who is completely against any self help, type of book, and/or a memoir.
Otherwise it’s a phenomenal highly engaging (no drifter bore here), enlightening read!
Stephanie Foo kept removing blinders.
Like for some people who get cataract surgery, all of a sudden their vision is clear� the same theory can be applied to this book.
TERRIFIC CONTRIBUTION� not preachy!!!!
PERSONAL- EDUCATIONAL- POWERFUL!!!
�..10 hours and 2 minutes
This is a very powerful [masterful in fact]�.
‘memoir/educational� book
about mental illness. - connected with physical illnesses —a wide range of behaviors� long-term brain alteration from abuse in early childhood � and other emotional struggles.
With such a general statement, I understand I’ve not offered up anything particularly enticing to encourage others to read this.
“I know, I know, we’ve read these books before�.
They’ve been around for decades.
So, what’s different about this book?
Well�.am I the only person to have just learned about
*COMPLEX* PTSD?
The fastest way I can describe the difference between PTSD and complex PTSD is think of Covid versus long Covid.
Stephanie Foo goes into great detail about ‘complex� PTSD�.the kind of information I believe could be very helpful for many people. Whether a victim or antagonist.
Even if you’re squeaky clean� *Super Duper* happy barely even know what the word depression means�-(man, I love you and want to be you),
anyone who knows anybody who has suffered with any form of mental illness, PTSD, abuse, estrangement, and other forms of trauma�-this is still an amazing worthy book to read.
Listening to the audiobook?: definitely two thumbs up. 👍🏻👍🏻
Stephanie Foo did a phenomenal job sharing her personal life experience with childhood depression, on-going long term depression, abandonment, childhood abuse, and the repercussions of trauma.
The spoiler � that’s not a spoiler � because Stephanie told us the spoiler herself at the beginning, is:
“It has a happy ending�.
I highly recommend this book unless you are one of those people who is completely against any self help, type of book, and/or a memoir.
Otherwise it’s a phenomenal highly engaging (no drifter bore here), enlightening read!
Stephanie Foo kept removing blinders.
Like for some people who get cataract surgery, all of a sudden their vision is clear� the same theory can be applied to this book.
TERRIFIC CONTRIBUTION� not preachy!!!!
PERSONAL- EDUCATIONAL- POWERFUL!!!
May 16, 2023
“So this is healing, then, the opposite of the ambiguous dread: fullness. I am full of anger, pain, peace, love, of horrible shards and exquisite beauty, and the lifelong challenge will be to balance all of those things, while keeping them in the circle. Healing is never final. It is never perfection. But along with the losses there are triumphs. I accept the lifelong battle and its limitations now. Even though I must always carry the weight of grief on my back, I have become strong.�
this is a heavy read, but it really is life changing. i really will forever think differently upon reading this, because it really made me realize a lot about myself - how i cope, how i soothe, how i view perfectionism, how i feel dread, how i carry my father inside my heart and bones at all times, and how my grandmother who immigrated to the us from the philippines carried us both alongside her before that. i really and truly recommend this to anyone, but especially diaspora friends / friends who are the children + grandchildren of immigrants, and extra if you are asian american. but please also make sure you check content warnings and are in the right headspace.
i am just so grateful this book exists. and i hope everyone who is reading this review gets to feel their happiness and safety a little bit more deeply, alongside every other deep feeling we sometimes can't control feeling. our bodies are capable of such incredible things, but so are our hearts and who we choose to love with them.
| | | | |
May 6, 2023
Reading What My Bones Know as a therapist whose main specialties are developmental trauma and attachment was difficult and infuriating at times. I often take for granted how much easier it is to access mental health care in my state versus others across the country. Attunement is the most essential element in the client-therapist relationship to foster healing, so I get really upset when therapists forget this! Stephanie Foo is so vulnerable, insightful, and authentic in this beautiful, beautiful memoir!
Just a small clarification from the text - psychologists do not necessarily have more training than LCSWs and LPCCs. Psychologists have more training in psychological testing to determine diagnoses, but not in providing actual therapy.
Just a small clarification from the text - psychologists do not necessarily have more training than LCSWs and LPCCs. Psychologists have more training in psychological testing to determine diagnoses, but not in providing actual therapy.
December 23, 2023
I spent five years as a literature and grammar teacher to advanced students in Fremont, California. Around 80% were South Asian, and the remaining 20% were mostly Northeast and Southeast Asian. In almost every case, their parents immigrated to America to attend Ivy League colleges, then accepted offers at Silicon Valley companies like Facebook, Google, and eBay.
With very few exceptions, these students worked extremely hard. In addition to being “A� students, most volunteered locally, joined math and robotics clubs, and kicked ass on debate teams.
With zero exceptions, students told me they felt stressed and over-scheduled. We even had a running joke about the math and science “workbooks� their parents made them do during "free" time.
Me: It’s the weekend� enjoy those workbooks, ya’ll.
Students: Groan
Me: It’s holiday break� A Very Merry Workbook to you!
Students: Groan
I’m telling you this because Stephanie Foo ties her personal - and considerable - childhood trauma to the broader context of child abuse in California’s highly educated Asian immigrant communities. As part of her research, she visited high achieving, predominantly Asian schools near my old campus. When she spoke to teachers, they told her the biggest problem students face is feeling too much pressure to get good grades, so they'll get into good colleges.
But here’s the thing� when she spoke to school therapists and social workers, they laughed at the teachers' naiveté. Instead, they told darker stories of pervasive physical and sometimes sexual abuse, in addition to scholastic pressures. One school counselor said she assumes every student who walks into her office is being - at the very least - physically abused on a regular basis. This is her default assumption because it’s so common.
Now I can’t stop thinking of my old students, re-playing our conversations in my head. What hints did I miss? What questions should I have asked?
I mean, I used to work with severely traumatized kids, so I’ve gotten good at recognizing the tell-tale signs of abuse. Every day as a teacher, I kept an eye out for bruises, dissociation, mood swings, hyper-sexualization, etc. And I intentionally broached topics related to abuse in my classroom because I’m not an idiot. Where there are kids, there’s always potential for abuse. Still, I very rarely had any cause for suspicion, apart from students� abnormally high stress levels.
Had I read this book back then, I could have been a more informed and therefore a more diligent protector. If my students were being abused - and Foo’s research says this is likely - the signs were hiding beneath this constant scapegoat of pressure to succeed. Like, maybe kids' stress wasn’t just about school pressure, though it sooo seemed to be.
Here’s one more unpleasant truth: Foo says even when school counselors report abuse, social workers pull up to students� gorgeous McMansions, see successful Asian parents, and dig no further. They can’t see trauma because the kids aren’t living in public housing, they’re eating organic groceries from Whole Foods instead of donations from the food bank, and they're getting straight "A"s in school instead of flunking out and beating up teachers. In a very real way, these children’s socio-economic privilege and the "model minority" stereotype leaves them vulnerable to parental abuse, which is a damn shame.
Foo ties this rampant abuse to parents' historical trauma in their home countries, a portion of which was caused by messy American "interventions," such as The Vietnam War. I won't get into that, though, because this review is getting long.
Last thing: I’m focusing on this angle for my review because it’s done a number on my head. But you should know this memoir is also very personal, raw, funny and helpful in practical ways to anyone who’s experienced complex, persistent trauma in life. Especially in the second half, when Foo tries every form of therapy under the sun, readers get an idea of what to expect from different types of treatment, and they get a sense of what may - or may not - work for different personality types. The audiobook even includes recorded excerpts from sessions with her final - and most helpful - therapist, whom I fell in love with because he’s such a transparent, humble, skilled practitioner. I want him to be my therapy daddy.
This is a terrific book. I’m giving it five stars because Foo offers such a beautiful, well-balanced mix of skilled storytelling and meticulous research. It's rare to come across a memoir that so deftly ties personal trauma to its larger socio-historical context and backs up each correlation with hardcore data that is somehow not at all dry.
Woo is the shit, man. I ended this book wishing to be her friend.
Book/Song Pairing:
Note: I also want to be clear that Asia is a very big continent and at the time Foo was in school, the specific percentage of South to Southeast to Northeast Asian immigrants working in Bay Area tech may have been very different than when I was teaching, years later. I'll have to research this on my own. I want to say this because even though facts are facts (Woo provides data on a very specific demographic of highly educated "Asian" immigrants in a very specific region of California), there's perhaps more nuance to be explored here. Anyway, disclaimer delivered.
With very few exceptions, these students worked extremely hard. In addition to being “A� students, most volunteered locally, joined math and robotics clubs, and kicked ass on debate teams.
With zero exceptions, students told me they felt stressed and over-scheduled. We even had a running joke about the math and science “workbooks� their parents made them do during "free" time.
Me: It’s the weekend� enjoy those workbooks, ya’ll.
Students: Groan
Me: It’s holiday break� A Very Merry Workbook to you!
Students: Groan
I’m telling you this because Stephanie Foo ties her personal - and considerable - childhood trauma to the broader context of child abuse in California’s highly educated Asian immigrant communities. As part of her research, she visited high achieving, predominantly Asian schools near my old campus. When she spoke to teachers, they told her the biggest problem students face is feeling too much pressure to get good grades, so they'll get into good colleges.
But here’s the thing� when she spoke to school therapists and social workers, they laughed at the teachers' naiveté. Instead, they told darker stories of pervasive physical and sometimes sexual abuse, in addition to scholastic pressures. One school counselor said she assumes every student who walks into her office is being - at the very least - physically abused on a regular basis. This is her default assumption because it’s so common.
Now I can’t stop thinking of my old students, re-playing our conversations in my head. What hints did I miss? What questions should I have asked?
I mean, I used to work with severely traumatized kids, so I’ve gotten good at recognizing the tell-tale signs of abuse. Every day as a teacher, I kept an eye out for bruises, dissociation, mood swings, hyper-sexualization, etc. And I intentionally broached topics related to abuse in my classroom because I’m not an idiot. Where there are kids, there’s always potential for abuse. Still, I very rarely had any cause for suspicion, apart from students� abnormally high stress levels.
Had I read this book back then, I could have been a more informed and therefore a more diligent protector. If my students were being abused - and Foo’s research says this is likely - the signs were hiding beneath this constant scapegoat of pressure to succeed. Like, maybe kids' stress wasn’t just about school pressure, though it sooo seemed to be.
Here’s one more unpleasant truth: Foo says even when school counselors report abuse, social workers pull up to students� gorgeous McMansions, see successful Asian parents, and dig no further. They can’t see trauma because the kids aren’t living in public housing, they’re eating organic groceries from Whole Foods instead of donations from the food bank, and they're getting straight "A"s in school instead of flunking out and beating up teachers. In a very real way, these children’s socio-economic privilege and the "model minority" stereotype leaves them vulnerable to parental abuse, which is a damn shame.
Foo ties this rampant abuse to parents' historical trauma in their home countries, a portion of which was caused by messy American "interventions," such as The Vietnam War. I won't get into that, though, because this review is getting long.
Last thing: I’m focusing on this angle for my review because it’s done a number on my head. But you should know this memoir is also very personal, raw, funny and helpful in practical ways to anyone who’s experienced complex, persistent trauma in life. Especially in the second half, when Foo tries every form of therapy under the sun, readers get an idea of what to expect from different types of treatment, and they get a sense of what may - or may not - work for different personality types. The audiobook even includes recorded excerpts from sessions with her final - and most helpful - therapist, whom I fell in love with because he’s such a transparent, humble, skilled practitioner. I want him to be my therapy daddy.
This is a terrific book. I’m giving it five stars because Foo offers such a beautiful, well-balanced mix of skilled storytelling and meticulous research. It's rare to come across a memoir that so deftly ties personal trauma to its larger socio-historical context and backs up each correlation with hardcore data that is somehow not at all dry.
Woo is the shit, man. I ended this book wishing to be her friend.
Book/Song Pairing:
Note: I also want to be clear that Asia is a very big continent and at the time Foo was in school, the specific percentage of South to Southeast to Northeast Asian immigrants working in Bay Area tech may have been very different than when I was teaching, years later. I'll have to research this on my own. I want to say this because even though facts are facts (Woo provides data on a very specific demographic of highly educated "Asian" immigrants in a very specific region of California), there's perhaps more nuance to be explored here. Anyway, disclaimer delivered.
March 10, 2022
Truly cannot stop thinking about how fundamentally life-changing it is. Truly one of my favorite books of the year & idc that we are only 3 months into the new year. What Foo delivers in this book as an Asian immigrant woman navigating mental illness but most importantly the reality of what mental care takes is something the world needs. I only hope that writing it has tremendously helped her on her life journey because what she’s given to the world in this book is irreplaceable. If you’ve ever read THE BODY KEEPS A SCORE & wondered what the many mentioned treatments look like in practice & navigating them as a non-white person - I’d urge you to go pick this one up ASAP.
May 1, 2022
In this often searing, sad and powerful memoir, Stephanie Foo has given us a portrait of her childhood and the trauma that resulted in her being diagnosed with Complex PTSD when she was in her mid 20s. Along with the trauma and her struggles, Foo presents her path seeking help through medical, psychiatric and alternative therapies. As she is a journalist, and has been for years, documenting this journey is natural for her. She writes of her harrowing childhood as a Malayasian immigrant of Chinese descent, living in San Jose with parents who she can't please or understand. The details of the abuse and neglect are graphic.
Somehow Stephanie moves on to a "next" phase, finishing school after a fashion, finding work, developing skills as a journalist/editor in radio. But all the while she is aware that she is functioning on the edge. Her relationships, of all types, are fraught with doubt about herself and others. That leads to the major shift in her life - when she learns of her diagnosis of C-PTSD and its significance and difficulties. She takes her reportorial skills and seeks answers. The path is neither linear nor easy, but she does find a path. And there is so much valuable information in this book. I believe Foo has done a service to others in outlining something that is so personal but also, undoubtedly has so many victims.
Highly recommended but with the caveat that it is at times a difficult book to read.
A copy of this book was provided by the publisher through NetGalley in return for an honest review.
Somehow Stephanie moves on to a "next" phase, finishing school after a fashion, finding work, developing skills as a journalist/editor in radio. But all the while she is aware that she is functioning on the edge. Her relationships, of all types, are fraught with doubt about herself and others. That leads to the major shift in her life - when she learns of her diagnosis of C-PTSD and its significance and difficulties. She takes her reportorial skills and seeks answers. The path is neither linear nor easy, but she does find a path. And there is so much valuable information in this book. I believe Foo has done a service to others in outlining something that is so personal but also, undoubtedly has so many victims.
Highly recommended but with the caveat that it is at times a difficult book to read.
A copy of this book was provided by the publisher through NetGalley in return for an honest review.
December 15, 2022
my fav books of the year are shaping up to be memoirs by Asian women about going through trauma and parental neglect, then growing up and healing and learning how to accept others� love� I love this genre ❤️ I love love ❤️ I cried not at the harrowing horrible parts about her abuse but the parts about love ❤️
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July 25, 2022
Good things-
1. Foo does an excellent job of describing how she felt and the things she went through after her diagnosis of complex ptsd. For example, she does not trust people and assumes people mean the worst. She explains how hard it was for her to find a therapist that fit her needs and her pocketbook. There is a lot more of this that is good. There ARE a lot of issues that result from complex ptsd and Foo describes them well.
Problematic for me-
1. When Foo describes the events that led up to her diagnosis, I do not feel any of the feelings she later describes that she felt. Maybe she detaches herself for health reasons, but I don’t think this memoir is the appropriate time for that. Maybe it’s just me that feels a disconnect?
2. Instead of a memoir, it is half memoir and half journalism series. Foo goes into detail about her search for what is known about complex ptsd; she includes what she learns and the sources in her book. She does the same with treatments available and various statistics. This combination would have worked well if it had been more memoir and less various textbooks.
3. Foo takes a trip back to her old community to see if she was the only one abused. I got a little confused in this section. She talks about the effects of tiger moms, but also describes what her ancestors from Malaysia suffered through (along with other traumas) and somehow tied this into an intergenerational trauma discussion. This was not tied together well at all. This was my least favorite part of the book, even though I am very interested in intergenerational trauma.
I do appreciate her bringing more attention to complex ptsd —complex ptsd is Ptsd in people that have suffered ongoing trauma ( not one instance of trauma, but rather over years ). It is not recognized in the DSM-IV as a separate disease than ptsd, yet when trying to get help one immediately comes up against problems in recognized treatments.
I think Foo’s writing style did not suit me, though this subject matter was enough to keep me interested.
1. Foo does an excellent job of describing how she felt and the things she went through after her diagnosis of complex ptsd. For example, she does not trust people and assumes people mean the worst. She explains how hard it was for her to find a therapist that fit her needs and her pocketbook. There is a lot more of this that is good. There ARE a lot of issues that result from complex ptsd and Foo describes them well.
Problematic for me-
1. When Foo describes the events that led up to her diagnosis, I do not feel any of the feelings she later describes that she felt. Maybe she detaches herself for health reasons, but I don’t think this memoir is the appropriate time for that. Maybe it’s just me that feels a disconnect?
2. Instead of a memoir, it is half memoir and half journalism series. Foo goes into detail about her search for what is known about complex ptsd; she includes what she learns and the sources in her book. She does the same with treatments available and various statistics. This combination would have worked well if it had been more memoir and less various textbooks.
3. Foo takes a trip back to her old community to see if she was the only one abused. I got a little confused in this section. She talks about the effects of tiger moms, but also describes what her ancestors from Malaysia suffered through (along with other traumas) and somehow tied this into an intergenerational trauma discussion. This was not tied together well at all. This was my least favorite part of the book, even though I am very interested in intergenerational trauma.
I do appreciate her bringing more attention to complex ptsd —complex ptsd is Ptsd in people that have suffered ongoing trauma ( not one instance of trauma, but rather over years ). It is not recognized in the DSM-IV as a separate disease than ptsd, yet when trying to get help one immediately comes up against problems in recognized treatments.
I think Foo’s writing style did not suit me, though this subject matter was enough to keep me interested.
August 23, 2022
I sadly did not love this book. I think foo is an excellent audiobook narrator probably because of her years of podcasting experience, and I would recommend audiobook because you can actually hear her therapy sessions.
I think what troubles me about this memoir is a perceived lack of self awareness regarding the military industrial complex. Foo mentions her husband being in the military as a reason for his “nuance� then never really mentions it again. She then dedicates entire sections to epigenetics and inherited trauma caused by war, particularly due to US invasions in other Asian countries. It just really felt distracting that she doesn’t name that her husband participating in the US war machine likely 1. Killed people and 2. Created the conditions for people to develop their own versions of CPTSD. And that’s fine, this book is about her not her husband. But towards the end he became such a central focus in the book it was difficult to not think about every time he was mentioned. This, and also the lack of explanation for why many people do not agree with ideas surrounding epigenetics, along with some (for lack of a better word) corny? Phrasing also turned me off.
However, I would still recommend this book to others with these caveats.
I think what troubles me about this memoir is a perceived lack of self awareness regarding the military industrial complex. Foo mentions her husband being in the military as a reason for his “nuance� then never really mentions it again. She then dedicates entire sections to epigenetics and inherited trauma caused by war, particularly due to US invasions in other Asian countries. It just really felt distracting that she doesn’t name that her husband participating in the US war machine likely 1. Killed people and 2. Created the conditions for people to develop their own versions of CPTSD. And that’s fine, this book is about her not her husband. But towards the end he became such a central focus in the book it was difficult to not think about every time he was mentioned. This, and also the lack of explanation for why many people do not agree with ideas surrounding epigenetics, along with some (for lack of a better word) corny? Phrasing also turned me off.
However, I would still recommend this book to others with these caveats.
December 25, 2022
What my bones know (WMBK) is a lot of things.
It’s a starkly honest and brave biography, a natural experiment, an exquisite piece of investigative journalism, a completely irresponsible misrepresentation of psychotherapy, and perhaps the very best representation of psychotherapy I can think of, it’s a desperate cry for help, a self aware declaration of resilience and hard earned strength, a rare phenomenological account of a profound bio-psycho-social-spiritual awakening, a deeply healing recovery narrative, a laugh out loud, howl in agonizing cathartic tears, life changing, game changing read.
WMBK is author Stephenie Foo’s autobiography of ATROCIOUS abuse in her family of origin, compounded by racism, and subsequent complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) and her decades long recovery journey.
In case you didn’t know:
CPTSD is the 2022 diagnosis dijour, de rigor, due in part to this book, and its predecessors e.g. the Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk.
AND!
Ի�
Thanks to its recent inclusion as an official diagnosis in the brand spanking new International Classification of Diseases 11th Revision (ICD-11).
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) happens as a result of acute (intense/brief) exposure to traumatic shit like combat, assault, disaster, automobile accidents, train wrecks, 2016-2020, SCOTUS, etc.
PTSD symptoms include:
* Re-experiencing (intrusive flashbacks).
* Avoidance of trauma linked stimuli.
* Negative trauma linked alterations in cognition and mood.
* Hyper arousal.
So, in other words. When you are triggered in your trauma, you might have flashbacks, you feel really bad, you drink, or think or dip out to avoid feeling bad, you’re hella tense in your body, you’re jumpy and you startle easily, and you’re always or very frequently tripping that something horrible it’s gonna happen.
CPTSD is a sibling diagnosis to PTSD, wherein the trauma exposure is chronic (occurring over prolonged periods) and typically involves stuff like childhood neglect/abuse, intimate partner violence, bullying, racism, sexism, classism, homophobia.
So America basically.
CPTSD has all the symptoms of PTSD (see above), plus, an additional cluster of goodness referred to as: disturbances in self organization (DSO).
CPTSD/DSO include:
* Affective dysregulation.
* Negative self-concept.
* Disturbances in relationships.
In other words. When you get activated in you’re complex trauma, you get all the PTSD stuff, plus you can’t control your emotions, you feel pervasive feelings of worthlessness, shame and guilt, you find it hard to feel connected with other people, you have hella problems in your relationships, you have trouble keeping friends and you always have drama.
And, as an added bonus, both PTSD and CPTSD have Extremely high rates of co-occurring ADDICTION.
Just to sweeten the deal.
Anyway.
As mentioned.
WMBK is all about the authors AMAZING recovery journey, her healing relationship with her husband, and her amazing relationship with her AWESOME therapist Dr. Jakob Ham.
I’ll spare you the details.
ܳ�
After TONS of bad therapy.
She finally meets Dr. Ham.
They do AMAZING relational psychodynamic work together.
And.
BEST PART!
They record their sessions.
And they included some of the actual sessions in the audiobook.
It’s magic.
WMBK is about:
Healing.
Facing the fear.
Feeling an healing from chronic shame.
Embracing imperfection.
Fucking up hella bad.
Staying at it.
Loving love.
And.
As such.
Becoming alive.
WMBK is an infuriating, consternating, enlightening, enlightened, crazy beautiful, heart rending, catastrophe of a masterpiece of a train wreck of a fountain head of wisdom of a shit show of a so wrong it’s not even wrong of a love letter to love of a beautiful book.
God!
Thank you Stephanie Foo for being so GOD DAMED REAL!!!
And.
Thank you Dr. Jacob Ham for being so GOD DAMED REAL!!!
Words fail.
Love doesn’t.
5/5 flaming dumpsters full of stars and hearts (🔥🗑️⭐️❤�)
It’s a starkly honest and brave biography, a natural experiment, an exquisite piece of investigative journalism, a completely irresponsible misrepresentation of psychotherapy, and perhaps the very best representation of psychotherapy I can think of, it’s a desperate cry for help, a self aware declaration of resilience and hard earned strength, a rare phenomenological account of a profound bio-psycho-social-spiritual awakening, a deeply healing recovery narrative, a laugh out loud, howl in agonizing cathartic tears, life changing, game changing read.
WMBK is author Stephenie Foo’s autobiography of ATROCIOUS abuse in her family of origin, compounded by racism, and subsequent complex post traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD) and her decades long recovery journey.
In case you didn’t know:
CPTSD is the 2022 diagnosis dijour, de rigor, due in part to this book, and its predecessors e.g. the Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk.
AND!
Ի�
Thanks to its recent inclusion as an official diagnosis in the brand spanking new International Classification of Diseases 11th Revision (ICD-11).
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) happens as a result of acute (intense/brief) exposure to traumatic shit like combat, assault, disaster, automobile accidents, train wrecks, 2016-2020, SCOTUS, etc.
PTSD symptoms include:
* Re-experiencing (intrusive flashbacks).
* Avoidance of trauma linked stimuli.
* Negative trauma linked alterations in cognition and mood.
* Hyper arousal.
So, in other words. When you are triggered in your trauma, you might have flashbacks, you feel really bad, you drink, or think or dip out to avoid feeling bad, you’re hella tense in your body, you’re jumpy and you startle easily, and you’re always or very frequently tripping that something horrible it’s gonna happen.
CPTSD is a sibling diagnosis to PTSD, wherein the trauma exposure is chronic (occurring over prolonged periods) and typically involves stuff like childhood neglect/abuse, intimate partner violence, bullying, racism, sexism, classism, homophobia.
So America basically.
CPTSD has all the symptoms of PTSD (see above), plus, an additional cluster of goodness referred to as: disturbances in self organization (DSO).
CPTSD/DSO include:
* Affective dysregulation.
* Negative self-concept.
* Disturbances in relationships.
In other words. When you get activated in you’re complex trauma, you get all the PTSD stuff, plus you can’t control your emotions, you feel pervasive feelings of worthlessness, shame and guilt, you find it hard to feel connected with other people, you have hella problems in your relationships, you have trouble keeping friends and you always have drama.
And, as an added bonus, both PTSD and CPTSD have Extremely high rates of co-occurring ADDICTION.
Just to sweeten the deal.
Anyway.
As mentioned.
WMBK is all about the authors AMAZING recovery journey, her healing relationship with her husband, and her amazing relationship with her AWESOME therapist Dr. Jakob Ham.
I’ll spare you the details.
ܳ�
After TONS of bad therapy.
She finally meets Dr. Ham.
They do AMAZING relational psychodynamic work together.
And.
BEST PART!
They record their sessions.
And they included some of the actual sessions in the audiobook.
It’s magic.
WMBK is about:
Healing.
Facing the fear.
Feeling an healing from chronic shame.
Embracing imperfection.
Fucking up hella bad.
Staying at it.
Loving love.
And.
As such.
Becoming alive.
WMBK is an infuriating, consternating, enlightening, enlightened, crazy beautiful, heart rending, catastrophe of a masterpiece of a train wreck of a fountain head of wisdom of a shit show of a so wrong it’s not even wrong of a love letter to love of a beautiful book.
God!
Thank you Stephanie Foo for being so GOD DAMED REAL!!!
And.
Thank you Dr. Jacob Ham for being so GOD DAMED REAL!!!
Words fail.
Love doesn’t.
5/5 flaming dumpsters full of stars and hearts (🔥🗑️⭐️❤�)
January 30, 2023
>:(
I only gave this book two stars to honor the trauma that the author experienced. Because it’s absolutely valid & awful & so so sad she had to experience even an ounce of it.
BUT, still, I have to be honest � this felt incredibly self-indulgent & a book about someone attached to their victim narrative. Essentially wanting everyone to understand them - which is impossible - & to blame all those before them for their pain - which is great to pinpoint where something starts but does very little for overall healing. She was vengeful & always looking for a silver bullet (ex, trying EMDR once & then being disappointed the “dread� came back� of course it did? For one EMDR session to “cure� you is super super rare & unlikely) & obsessed with being “fixed.�
I KNOW this sounds pretentious (this whole review probably does), but I think she’s really missing the point. The whole time she was missing it.
I only gave this book two stars to honor the trauma that the author experienced. Because it’s absolutely valid & awful & so so sad she had to experience even an ounce of it.
BUT, still, I have to be honest � this felt incredibly self-indulgent & a book about someone attached to their victim narrative. Essentially wanting everyone to understand them - which is impossible - & to blame all those before them for their pain - which is great to pinpoint where something starts but does very little for overall healing. She was vengeful & always looking for a silver bullet (ex, trying EMDR once & then being disappointed the “dread� came back� of course it did? For one EMDR session to “cure� you is super super rare & unlikely) & obsessed with being “fixed.�
I KNOW this sounds pretentious (this whole review probably does), but I think she’s really missing the point. The whole time she was missing it.
February 27, 2022
There’s some really interesting stuff in this book. Parts 1 and 5 were my favorite. The way Foo ties her story to the science of complex ptsd is really well done and accessible. It’s dragged in the middle and felt very repetitive.
February 28, 2024
4.5 🌟
I very rarely read memoirs but when I heard of this one written by the brave and resilient Stephanie Foo I HAD to read it.
It is essentially a memoir of healing from c-PTSD also known as complex post traumatic stress disorder - one of the mental health struggles I battle daily. She very carefully and thoughtfully wrote a note at the start to warn us what we are in for and promised us a happy ending.
I could not put this book down. I don’t whether it’s because I related to it SO much. It was achingly absorbing and accurate. I didn’t want it to end but if it was going to end I am glad it did the way it did. My journey of c-ptsd hasn’t reached the end yet but Stephanie has given me the real hope I really desperately needed to hear right now. It’s not something a psychologist can cure in a year it takes yearssss, if not decades to relearn everything you accepted as truth.
Throughout the book Stephanie speaks eloquently and knowledgeably about issues, such as dissociation, self-soothing and the nervous system. As well as sharing quotes that I felt deeply connected to:
“Achievement was my constant. My comfort.�
“If I hadn’t lost the things that allowed me to believe everything was fine. If I hadn’t lost work.�
“gratitude turns what we have into enough� - this may help with the symptoms but not cure the underlying condition
Foo has also created a wonderful balance of personal experience versus information throughout the book. She not only speaks of her own traumatic experiences but also discusses a wide range of different therapies and how they have worked for her. I found this very helpful and comforting to see how another person has dealt with years of trying to heal.
Whether you suffer with C-PTSD or not I believe this is an important and interesting read for all. I also want to say to any of you out there that have suffered trauma OF ANY KIND!!!! Please reach out for help. I know it’s super hard. It took me a very long time to get help before I met the wonderful lady that has saved my life (literally) on multiple occasions but I have been with her nearly 3 years now and although I am nowhere near being ‘better�, I do have an incredibly person in my life that I can share absolutely anything with, without any form of judgement. It’s often a lonely, hopeless world out there if you have suffered deeply but there will be one person that at the least will understand you and will listen to you.
One very important lesson that stood out to me, one that my clinical psychologist talks about, is that we have to reject the idea if punishing ourselves to solve the problem and find love instead. To a C-PTSD patient with may be completely unintuitive but highly impactful for healing.
While it wasn’t exactly the happy ending I was hoping for and I don’t want to spoil the ending for anyone who intends to read this powerful book but in the end Stephanie is a force to be reckoned with. She has hope and isn’t that all we really want?
I very rarely read memoirs but when I heard of this one written by the brave and resilient Stephanie Foo I HAD to read it.
It is essentially a memoir of healing from c-PTSD also known as complex post traumatic stress disorder - one of the mental health struggles I battle daily. She very carefully and thoughtfully wrote a note at the start to warn us what we are in for and promised us a happy ending.
I could not put this book down. I don’t whether it’s because I related to it SO much. It was achingly absorbing and accurate. I didn’t want it to end but if it was going to end I am glad it did the way it did. My journey of c-ptsd hasn’t reached the end yet but Stephanie has given me the real hope I really desperately needed to hear right now. It’s not something a psychologist can cure in a year it takes yearssss, if not decades to relearn everything you accepted as truth.
Throughout the book Stephanie speaks eloquently and knowledgeably about issues, such as dissociation, self-soothing and the nervous system. As well as sharing quotes that I felt deeply connected to:
“Achievement was my constant. My comfort.�
“If I hadn’t lost the things that allowed me to believe everything was fine. If I hadn’t lost work.�
“gratitude turns what we have into enough� - this may help with the symptoms but not cure the underlying condition
Foo has also created a wonderful balance of personal experience versus information throughout the book. She not only speaks of her own traumatic experiences but also discusses a wide range of different therapies and how they have worked for her. I found this very helpful and comforting to see how another person has dealt with years of trying to heal.
Whether you suffer with C-PTSD or not I believe this is an important and interesting read for all. I also want to say to any of you out there that have suffered trauma OF ANY KIND!!!! Please reach out for help. I know it’s super hard. It took me a very long time to get help before I met the wonderful lady that has saved my life (literally) on multiple occasions but I have been with her nearly 3 years now and although I am nowhere near being ‘better�, I do have an incredibly person in my life that I can share absolutely anything with, without any form of judgement. It’s often a lonely, hopeless world out there if you have suffered deeply but there will be one person that at the least will understand you and will listen to you.
One very important lesson that stood out to me, one that my clinical psychologist talks about, is that we have to reject the idea if punishing ourselves to solve the problem and find love instead. To a C-PTSD patient with may be completely unintuitive but highly impactful for healing.
While it wasn’t exactly the happy ending I was hoping for and I don’t want to spoil the ending for anyone who intends to read this powerful book but in the end Stephanie is a force to be reckoned with. She has hope and isn’t that all we really want?
January 9, 2025
5 ☆‘s - Triggered by extreme abuse & abandonment in childhood, Foo is floored after years of therapy sessions to finally find a diagnosis � Complex PTSD. Her willingness to learn so much about this cruel disorder, as well as her innate want to “fix� herself, is truly touching. She offers us a firsthand raw & unfiltered look into her traumas, her grief, her anger, and so much more. This book truly touched a part of my soul. Profound and relatable in so many ways. Stephanie, if you ever happen upon this review, just know that I am so proud of you. Thank you for sharing the deepest and darkest parts of yourself with the rest of us. �
𝓜𝔂 𝓯𝓪𝓿𝓸𝓻𝓲𝓽𝓮 𝓮𝔁𝓬𝓮𝓻𝓹𝓽𝓼:
𝙱𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚜𝚗’� 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐. 𝙱𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚜 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚙𝚛𝚒𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚙𝚛𝚒𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏. 𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚝’� 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎.
𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚊𝚢𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚛𝚖𝚊𝚕 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚣𝚎𝚍 𝚙𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎. 𝙴𝚡𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚝𝚜 𝚜𝚊𝚢 𝚒𝚝’� 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚎𝚎 𝙿’�: 𝚆𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚜𝚊𝚍𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕, 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚟𝚊𝚜𝚒𝚟𝚎, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚎𝚗𝚝. 𝙿𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕, 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚋𝚕𝚎𝚖𝚜 𝚠𝚎 𝚏𝚊𝚌𝚎. 𝙿𝚎𝚛𝚟𝚊𝚜𝚒𝚟𝚎, 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚛𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚍𝚎𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝚋𝚢 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚏𝚊𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜. 𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚎𝚗𝚝, 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚊𝚍𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛.
𝙾𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛, 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚜𝚠𝚎𝚛 𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚊𝚖𝚎, 𝚒𝚜𝚗’� 𝚒𝚝? 𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚎, 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎, 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎. 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚊𝚕𝚟𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚞𝚛𝚎. 𝙸𝚗 𝚘𝚛𝚍𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚊 𝚋𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚘𝚗, 𝙸 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚍𝚘 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚞𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚕𝚢 𝚞𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚞𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚎. 𝙸 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚛𝚎𝚓𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚊 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚙𝚞𝚗𝚒𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚖𝚢𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚜𝚘𝚕𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚋𝚕𝚎𝚖. 𝙸 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎.
𝙷𝚎𝚛𝚎’� 𝚊 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚘𝚛𝚢: 𝙼𝚊𝚢𝚋𝚎 𝙸 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚋𝚛𝚘𝚔𝚎𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚎 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎. 𝙼𝚊𝚢𝚋𝚎 𝙸 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚊 𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚗—𝚏𝚕𝚊𝚠𝚎� 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚐𝚛𝚘𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚏𝚞𝚕𝚕 𝚘𝚏 𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜.
𝙵𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚊𝚌𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚊𝚢 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚎, ‘𝚈𝚘𝚞’𝚛� 𝚊𝚗 𝚒𝚖𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚏𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚋𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙸 𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞.� 𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚛𝚐𝚢 𝚘𝚏 ‘𝚆𝚎’𝚛� 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚞𝚙 𝚘𝚗 𝚎𝚊𝚌𝚑 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛; 𝚠𝚎’𝚛� 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚑𝚊𝚞𝚕. 𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚑𝚞𝚛𝚝 𝚖𝚎. 𝙰𝚗𝚍, 𝚢𝚎𝚜, 𝙸 𝚑𝚞𝚛𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞. 𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝙸’� 𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚛� 𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚎.
𝙽𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝙸 𝚍𝚘, 𝚗𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝙸 𝚝𝚛𝚢 𝚝𝚘 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚓𝚘𝚢, 𝙸 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚖𝚢 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚞𝚖𝚊. 𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚒𝚝 𝚠𝚑𝚒𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚎: “𝚈𝚘� 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚊𝚕𝚠𝚊𝚢𝚜 𝚋𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚠𝚊𝚢. 𝙸𝚝’� 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚎. 𝙸 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚏𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞. 𝙸 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛. 𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙸 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚔𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚢𝚘𝚞.
𝙿𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝙲-𝙿𝚃𝚂𝙳 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚘𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚗 𝚊𝚜𝚜𝚞𝚖𝚎 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚋𝚕𝚎𝚖𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖—𝚗𝚘� 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏𝚒𝚜𝚑𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚘𝚛 𝚗𝚊𝚛𝚌𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚜𝚖 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚎𝚗𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚕 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚘𝚕𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚋𝚕𝚎𝚖.
𝙷𝚊𝚝𝚛𝚎𝚍, 𝙸 𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝚚𝚞𝚒𝚌𝚔𝚕𝚢, 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚍𝚘𝚝𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚊𝚍𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜. 𝙸𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚜𝚊𝚏𝚎 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐. 𝙷𝚊𝚝𝚛𝚎𝚍 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚛𝚢 𝚊𝚝 𝚜𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚘𝚕. 𝙸𝚝 𝚒𝚜𝚗’� 𝚟𝚞𝚕𝚗𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎. 𝙷𝚊𝚝𝚛𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚜 𝚎𝚏𝚏𝚒𝚌𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚝. 𝙸𝚝 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚐𝚛𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚕. 𝙸𝚝 𝚒𝚜 𝚙𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚙𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚛.
𝓜𝔂 𝓯𝓪𝓿𝓸𝓻𝓲𝓽𝓮 𝓮𝔁𝓬𝓮𝓻𝓹𝓽𝓼:
𝙱𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚜𝚗’� 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚗𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐. 𝙱𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚑𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚜 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚙𝚛𝚒𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜 𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚙𝚛𝚒𝚊𝚝𝚎 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚝𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏. 𝚃𝚑𝚊𝚝’� 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎.
𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚜𝚊𝚢𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚛𝚖𝚊𝚕 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚣𝚎𝚍 𝚙𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎. 𝙴𝚡𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚝𝚜 𝚜𝚊𝚢 𝚒𝚝’� 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚙𝚊𝚛𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚛𝚎𝚎 𝙿’�: 𝚆𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚜𝚊𝚍𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕, 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚟𝚊𝚜𝚒𝚟𝚎, 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚎𝚗𝚝. 𝙿𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕, 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚊𝚕𝚕 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚋𝚕𝚎𝚖𝚜 𝚠𝚎 𝚏𝚊𝚌𝚎. 𝙿𝚎𝚛𝚟𝚊𝚜𝚒𝚟𝚎, 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚛𝚎 𝚕𝚒𝚏𝚎 𝚒𝚜 𝚍𝚎𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝚋𝚢 𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚏𝚊𝚒𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜. 𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚖𝚊𝚗𝚎𝚗𝚝, 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚊𝚍𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚝 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛.
𝙾𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛, 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚜𝚠𝚎𝚛 𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚊𝚖𝚎, 𝚒𝚜𝚗’� 𝚒𝚝? 𝙻𝚘𝚟𝚎, 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎, 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎. 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚊𝚕𝚟𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚌𝚞𝚛𝚎. 𝙸𝚗 𝚘𝚛𝚍𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 𝚊 𝚋𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚜𝚘𝚗, 𝙸 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚍𝚘 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚞𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚕𝚢 𝚞𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚞𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚎. 𝙸 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚛𝚎𝚓𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚊 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚙𝚞𝚗𝚒𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚖𝚢𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚜𝚘𝚕𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚋𝚕𝚎𝚖. 𝙸 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎.
𝙷𝚎𝚛𝚎’� 𝚊 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚘𝚛𝚢: 𝙼𝚊𝚢𝚋𝚎 𝙸 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚋𝚛𝚘𝚔𝚎𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚘𝚕𝚎 𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚎. 𝙼𝚊𝚢𝚋𝚎 𝙸 𝚑𝚊𝚍 𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚗 𝚊 𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚗—𝚏𝚕𝚊𝚠𝚎� 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚐𝚛𝚘𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚏𝚞𝚕𝚕 𝚘𝚏 𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚗𝚘𝚗𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜.
𝙵𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚊𝚌𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚜𝚊𝚢 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚘𝚗𝚎, ‘𝚈𝚘𝚞’𝚛� 𝚊𝚗 𝚒𝚖𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚏𝚎𝚌𝚝 𝚋𝚎𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝙸 𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞.� 𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚛𝚐𝚢 𝚘𝚏 ‘𝚆𝚎’𝚛� 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚐𝚒𝚟𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚞𝚙 𝚘𝚗 𝚎𝚊𝚌𝚑 𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛; 𝚠𝚎’𝚛� 𝚒𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚑𝚊𝚞𝚕. 𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚑𝚞𝚛𝚝 𝚖𝚎. 𝙰𝚗𝚍, 𝚢𝚎𝚜, 𝙸 𝚑𝚞𝚛𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞. 𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝙸’� 𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚛𝚢, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚢𝚘𝚞’𝚛� 𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚎.
𝙽𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝙸 𝚍𝚘, 𝚗𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝙸 𝚝𝚛𝚢 𝚝𝚘 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚓𝚘𝚢, 𝙸 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚍 𝚖𝚢 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚞𝚖𝚊. 𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚒𝚝 𝚠𝚑𝚒𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚎: “𝚈𝚘� 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚊𝚕𝚠𝚊𝚢𝚜 𝚋𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚠𝚊𝚢. 𝙸𝚝’� 𝚗𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚗𝚐𝚎. 𝙸 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚏𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠 𝚢𝚘𝚞. 𝙸 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛. 𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙸 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚔𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚢𝚘𝚞.
𝙿𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝙲-𝙿𝚃𝚂𝙳 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚘𝚏𝚝𝚎𝚗 𝚊𝚜𝚜𝚞𝚖𝚎 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚋𝚕𝚎𝚖𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚖—𝚗𝚘� 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚘𝚏 𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏𝚒𝚜𝚑𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜 𝚘𝚛 𝚗𝚊𝚛𝚌𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚒𝚜𝚖 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚎𝚗𝚘𝚞𝚐𝚑 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚛𝚘𝚕 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚘𝚕𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚋𝚕𝚎𝚖.
𝙷𝚊𝚝𝚛𝚎𝚍, 𝙸 𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚍 𝚚𝚞𝚒𝚌𝚔𝚕𝚢, 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚍𝚘𝚝𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚊𝚍𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜. 𝙸𝚝 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚘𝚗𝚕𝚢 𝚜𝚊𝚏𝚎 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐. 𝙷𝚊𝚝𝚛𝚎𝚍 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚛𝚢 𝚊𝚝 𝚜𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚘𝚕. 𝙸𝚝 𝚒𝚜𝚗’� 𝚟𝚞𝚕𝚗𝚎𝚛𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎. 𝙷𝚊𝚝𝚛𝚎𝚍 𝚒𝚜 𝚎𝚏𝚏𝚒𝚌𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚝. 𝙸𝚝 𝚍𝚘𝚎𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚐𝚛𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚕. 𝙸𝚝 𝚒𝚜 𝚙𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝚙𝚘𝚠𝚎𝚛.
February 27, 2022
Yesterday I logged onto ŷ, the website that tracks the books you and your friends are reading, and I noticed that an old college classmate had marked a book "to-read": What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing From Complex Trauma by Stephanie Foo. "Ooh a new trauma book?" I thought, my interest piqued. Turns out this book was very new—the newest. It was released on the auspicious 2/2/22, mere days ago.
I wondered if her story and insights would be boring since I've been spending at minimum 40 hours a week for the past 3 years working in this field here at PACEs Connection, and since I had done so much reading on the subject already. A review in ŷ assured me that even if I had read all the trauma books, this one would keep my attention.
"By age 30, Stephanie Foo was successful on paper: She had her dream job as an award-winning radio producer at This American Life and a loving boyfriend. But behind her office door, she was having panic attacks and sobbing at her desk every morning. After years of questioning what was wrong with herself, she was diagnosed with complex PTSD - a condition that occurs when trauma happens continuously, over the course of years.
Both of Foo’s parents abandoned her when she was a teenager, after years of physical and verbal abuse and neglect. She thought she’d moved on, but her new diagnosis illuminated the way her past continued to threaten her health, relationships, and career. She found limited resources to help her, so Foo set out to heal herself, and to map her experiences onto the scarce literature about C-PTSD.
In this deeply personal and thoroughly researched account, Foo interviews scientists and psychologists and tries a variety of innovative therapies. She returns to her hometown of San Jose, California, to investigate the effects of immigrant trauma on the community, and she uncovers family secrets in the country of her birth, Malaysia, to learn how trauma can be inherited through generations. Ultimately, she discovers that you don’t move on from trauma - but you can learn to move with it." (Amazon description)
I downloaded the audiobook and dove in.
Immediately in the introduction, she details the moment she got her C-PTSD diagnosis and how she arrived to work, stared blankly at her computer, and just could not even. "Gah!" I thought, "I remember this exact moment for myself." I had gotten my Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) diagnosis (albeit an unofficial one since this isn't in the DSM), and arrived at work Monday morning in June of 2016 after reading Jonice Webb's Running On Empty: Overcoming Childhood Emotional Neglect, and I didn't feel normal. I couldn't really see the screen. Everyone in the office seemed like alien beings. Or rather, I was the alien being. "Maybe I can't do human life," I thought, "maybe I need to go live on one of those therapy ranches with horses. Yeah, maybe I need to do horse life instead of human life."
I felt seen. And validated.
I don't want to give too many spoilers to her book. It was a delight to hear each and every insight she got as she scraped her way forward, fighting tooth and nail for healing. But I will discuss a couple of things so if you want to know nothing more about this book, turn back now. I highly recommend the Audible version, read by the author.
As I listened to her story, I couldn't help but think of the life parallels between her and Darrell Hammond, featured in Michelle Esrick's film Cracked Up. "I hope she saw this film, so she doesn't feel alone," I kept thinking. Then she got to the part where she met Dr. Jacob Ham, who she'd heard on a podcast with Darrell and Michelle. "Yes!" I thought.
I got to meet Dr. Ham, virtually, when he joined Cracked Up: The Evolving Conversation, the series I got to help produce here at PACEs Connection in 2020. I just loved his soft yet powerful way of speaking. I had so many lightbulb moments as he talked about the importance of relational healing which was called "The Art of Attunement". My mom had watched that episode and she and I were able to have a healing mother-daughter talk about trauma and our relationship as a result. "Do all trauma healing roads lead back to this one therapist?" I thought. (*Note: You can watch that episode here. It's Ep5. It's worth the $12.50.)
Stephanie Foo then gives us the most amazing gift—recorded therapy sessions between her and Dr. Ham. More insight into the art of attunement, session by session, insight by hard-won insight. I texted my mom, "Dr. Jacob Ham is in the book!! He becomes the author's therapist! She plays their recorded therapy sessions in the audiobook!" "Oh geez—I must read!" she responded. Yeah, we're super fans.
It was healing to read Foo's story and see myself sometimes reflected back. "Same ACEs score," and, "Okay but Pret-a-Manger does have some dank wraps," were two notes I put into my Notes app on my iPhone. The part that felt the most healing to me personally was about the cold, hard shell Foo put around herself as a teen and young adult. I still have trouble forgiving the 14-year-old version of myself that got angry and poked my friend with the pen I'd had in my hand in class in middle school, drawing blood. I hadn't realized how angry I'd become at him, who was poking me with his finger over and over again during an exam. I was called into the principal's office and suspended from school for "assault with a deadly weapon." That same year I had pushed a close girlfriend of mine really hard in a moment of intense anger. I started to internalize the idea that there was something wrong with me. I was a bad kid.
In adulthood, I've often gotten the feedback that I've had edges. I'm direct, blunt, and sometimes hard to be around. It's hard I think because women especially are supposed to be soft, warm, and accommodating. I was a traitor to my gender. I was violent, angry, hardened. "No one wants me like this. I'm too hard to love," I've often thought. I've done much of the same healing work that Foo has described in her book, but I still was finding it almost impossible to forgive this past, and sometimes still present (sans violent attacks), version of myself.
Extending compassion to Foo as she shares so vulnerably the ways she didn't show up for a friend in need, the times she was rude, the times people didn't love her behavior has had the effect of letting me extend this same compassion to myself.
This is the power of storytelling.
Thank you, Stephanie, for the gift of your story: raw, vulnerable, transformational, messy, eloquent, captivating. I finished this book with awe and gratitude.
For those of you reading this blog, no matter what type of trauma you've had or where you are on your journey, there's something for you in this book. Her commitment to the truth empowers each and every one of us to more clearly see our own truths. Her commitment to healing empowers each of us to keep showing up, asking for help, and doing the work. Her commitment to love gives us each permission to soften our hearts and let people in.
Go get this book. Do not delay.
Review originally posted here:
I wondered if her story and insights would be boring since I've been spending at minimum 40 hours a week for the past 3 years working in this field here at PACEs Connection, and since I had done so much reading on the subject already. A review in ŷ assured me that even if I had read all the trauma books, this one would keep my attention.
"By age 30, Stephanie Foo was successful on paper: She had her dream job as an award-winning radio producer at This American Life and a loving boyfriend. But behind her office door, she was having panic attacks and sobbing at her desk every morning. After years of questioning what was wrong with herself, she was diagnosed with complex PTSD - a condition that occurs when trauma happens continuously, over the course of years.
Both of Foo’s parents abandoned her when she was a teenager, after years of physical and verbal abuse and neglect. She thought she’d moved on, but her new diagnosis illuminated the way her past continued to threaten her health, relationships, and career. She found limited resources to help her, so Foo set out to heal herself, and to map her experiences onto the scarce literature about C-PTSD.
In this deeply personal and thoroughly researched account, Foo interviews scientists and psychologists and tries a variety of innovative therapies. She returns to her hometown of San Jose, California, to investigate the effects of immigrant trauma on the community, and she uncovers family secrets in the country of her birth, Malaysia, to learn how trauma can be inherited through generations. Ultimately, she discovers that you don’t move on from trauma - but you can learn to move with it." (Amazon description)
I downloaded the audiobook and dove in.
Immediately in the introduction, she details the moment she got her C-PTSD diagnosis and how she arrived to work, stared blankly at her computer, and just could not even. "Gah!" I thought, "I remember this exact moment for myself." I had gotten my Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) diagnosis (albeit an unofficial one since this isn't in the DSM), and arrived at work Monday morning in June of 2016 after reading Jonice Webb's Running On Empty: Overcoming Childhood Emotional Neglect, and I didn't feel normal. I couldn't really see the screen. Everyone in the office seemed like alien beings. Or rather, I was the alien being. "Maybe I can't do human life," I thought, "maybe I need to go live on one of those therapy ranches with horses. Yeah, maybe I need to do horse life instead of human life."
I felt seen. And validated.
I don't want to give too many spoilers to her book. It was a delight to hear each and every insight she got as she scraped her way forward, fighting tooth and nail for healing. But I will discuss a couple of things so if you want to know nothing more about this book, turn back now. I highly recommend the Audible version, read by the author.
As I listened to her story, I couldn't help but think of the life parallels between her and Darrell Hammond, featured in Michelle Esrick's film Cracked Up. "I hope she saw this film, so she doesn't feel alone," I kept thinking. Then she got to the part where she met Dr. Jacob Ham, who she'd heard on a podcast with Darrell and Michelle. "Yes!" I thought.
I got to meet Dr. Ham, virtually, when he joined Cracked Up: The Evolving Conversation, the series I got to help produce here at PACEs Connection in 2020. I just loved his soft yet powerful way of speaking. I had so many lightbulb moments as he talked about the importance of relational healing which was called "The Art of Attunement". My mom had watched that episode and she and I were able to have a healing mother-daughter talk about trauma and our relationship as a result. "Do all trauma healing roads lead back to this one therapist?" I thought. (*Note: You can watch that episode here. It's Ep5. It's worth the $12.50.)
Stephanie Foo then gives us the most amazing gift—recorded therapy sessions between her and Dr. Ham. More insight into the art of attunement, session by session, insight by hard-won insight. I texted my mom, "Dr. Jacob Ham is in the book!! He becomes the author's therapist! She plays their recorded therapy sessions in the audiobook!" "Oh geez—I must read!" she responded. Yeah, we're super fans.
It was healing to read Foo's story and see myself sometimes reflected back. "Same ACEs score," and, "Okay but Pret-a-Manger does have some dank wraps," were two notes I put into my Notes app on my iPhone. The part that felt the most healing to me personally was about the cold, hard shell Foo put around herself as a teen and young adult. I still have trouble forgiving the 14-year-old version of myself that got angry and poked my friend with the pen I'd had in my hand in class in middle school, drawing blood. I hadn't realized how angry I'd become at him, who was poking me with his finger over and over again during an exam. I was called into the principal's office and suspended from school for "assault with a deadly weapon." That same year I had pushed a close girlfriend of mine really hard in a moment of intense anger. I started to internalize the idea that there was something wrong with me. I was a bad kid.
In adulthood, I've often gotten the feedback that I've had edges. I'm direct, blunt, and sometimes hard to be around. It's hard I think because women especially are supposed to be soft, warm, and accommodating. I was a traitor to my gender. I was violent, angry, hardened. "No one wants me like this. I'm too hard to love," I've often thought. I've done much of the same healing work that Foo has described in her book, but I still was finding it almost impossible to forgive this past, and sometimes still present (sans violent attacks), version of myself.
Extending compassion to Foo as she shares so vulnerably the ways she didn't show up for a friend in need, the times she was rude, the times people didn't love her behavior has had the effect of letting me extend this same compassion to myself.
This is the power of storytelling.
Thank you, Stephanie, for the gift of your story: raw, vulnerable, transformational, messy, eloquent, captivating. I finished this book with awe and gratitude.
For those of you reading this blog, no matter what type of trauma you've had or where you are on your journey, there's something for you in this book. Her commitment to the truth empowers each and every one of us to more clearly see our own truths. Her commitment to healing empowers each of us to keep showing up, asking for help, and doing the work. Her commitment to love gives us each permission to soften our hearts and let people in.
Go get this book. Do not delay.
Review originally posted here:
August 11, 2024
4.5 stars - this is a very, very heavy read... anyone who's doing any kind of trauma work will get something from it, though it could also be triggering. I hesitate to call it self-help, as the title states it's clearly a memoir. And even though I am not in the author's demographic, I found a lot to empathize with on the issue of generational trauma and its life-long echos. The scientific info is also appreciated & interesting and prompted a few internet searches.
April 5, 2022
I don't even know where to begin other than to say that this might be the best memoir about trauma that I have ever read. And, y'all, I have read a lot of memoirs about mental health.
If you had asked me a week ago, when I picked this book up from the library holds locker, if I would find so much to relate to in the story of a young woman who had immigrated from Malaysia and was later abandoned by parents who blamed her for their marital strife while swinging golf clubs at her head, I probably would have said no. But there is so much about Stephanie Foo's response to trauma and her therapy journey that reminds me of my own.
Foo writes with a great deal of insight and self-compassion about the process of trying different therapeutic approaches to treating her complex PTSD, which is a unique diagnosis when the trauma is repeated over a period of years (as opposed to isolated incidents, such as war, the way we often think of PTSD). Because she is a journalist by trade, Foo presents these different approaches with a certain level of attachment. She explains what they are and how they are supposed to work, leaning heavily on research and often speaking with practitioners of these therapies. But because she is also a storyteller by trade, she also thoughtfully explores how various approaches did and did not help her and what she learned along the way. She also spends a great deal of time exploring cultural factors that may have impacted her parents and exacerbated her trauma. She does it all with a sense of hope that things can get better—for her, and for others.
This is by no means an easy book to read, but I highly, highly recommend it to anyone struggling to process hard shit that's happened in their life. Foo's insight helped me draw connections between things that happened to me as a child and the behaviors I exhibit today. She helped me reframe some of my experiences as not just "shitty parenting" but actual traumatic events. Even though my therapist has described certain events from my life as traumatizing for years, it didn't click for me just how traumatizing they were until I read about similar events in Foo's life. I recognized some of my own patterns as dissociation. And, most importantly, Foo presented some new tools that I hope can help me find more peace in my own journey. I'm so grateful I read this book.
If you had asked me a week ago, when I picked this book up from the library holds locker, if I would find so much to relate to in the story of a young woman who had immigrated from Malaysia and was later abandoned by parents who blamed her for their marital strife while swinging golf clubs at her head, I probably would have said no. But there is so much about Stephanie Foo's response to trauma and her therapy journey that reminds me of my own.
Foo writes with a great deal of insight and self-compassion about the process of trying different therapeutic approaches to treating her complex PTSD, which is a unique diagnosis when the trauma is repeated over a period of years (as opposed to isolated incidents, such as war, the way we often think of PTSD). Because she is a journalist by trade, Foo presents these different approaches with a certain level of attachment. She explains what they are and how they are supposed to work, leaning heavily on research and often speaking with practitioners of these therapies. But because she is also a storyteller by trade, she also thoughtfully explores how various approaches did and did not help her and what she learned along the way. She also spends a great deal of time exploring cultural factors that may have impacted her parents and exacerbated her trauma. She does it all with a sense of hope that things can get better—for her, and for others.
This is by no means an easy book to read, but I highly, highly recommend it to anyone struggling to process hard shit that's happened in their life. Foo's insight helped me draw connections between things that happened to me as a child and the behaviors I exhibit today. She helped me reframe some of my experiences as not just "shitty parenting" but actual traumatic events. Even though my therapist has described certain events from my life as traumatizing for years, it didn't click for me just how traumatizing they were until I read about similar events in Foo's life. I recognized some of my own patterns as dissociation. And, most importantly, Foo presented some new tools that I hope can help me find more peace in my own journey. I'm so grateful I read this book.
March 14, 2022
This one goes out to all my second-gen babes who needed those good grades like air, who buckled under the whip of filial piety, who still feel trapped in the yoke of perfectionism.
Generational trauma is a newer concept in my life, the idea that the origin of my anxiety and my depression is my family’s tumultuous history. That my own issues could be attributed to past suffering so profound that it ingrained itself into my family’s genetic code and was, ultimately, passed down to me. That some events wound so deep that they literally embed themselves into one’s bones and the bones of their children and their children’s children.
This is just the tip of the iceberg of Stephanie Foo’s memoir. What My Bones Know is a gut-wrenching exploration of her own mental health journey and diagnosis of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) through the lens of her past, present, and prognosis. Foo’s acerbic writing style helps the reader understand the repeated trauma of her abusive childhood and subsequent actions without pitying her. What My Bones Know is a triumph in its testament to Foo's achievements in reclaiming agency from her trauma.
What My Bones Know illuminates the frustrating struggle not only in finding adequate and effective healing methods, but in convincing others to even recognize, acknowledge, and accept that there is something wrong in the first place. Foo bolsters her story with excerpts of scientific studies and research, not necessarily because the book needed it, but because she is so accustomed to her pain being denied or minimized. Because society believes that cold, hard science confirming the long-lasting biological effects of generational trauma holds more credence than a woman bearing her entire soul to you.
I fucking loved this memoir so much that I pre-ordered a signed copy. This is already one of my favorite books that I’ve read this year, if not ever. Thank you so much, NetGalley and Ballantine for sending me an advanced copy for review.
Generational trauma is a newer concept in my life, the idea that the origin of my anxiety and my depression is my family’s tumultuous history. That my own issues could be attributed to past suffering so profound that it ingrained itself into my family’s genetic code and was, ultimately, passed down to me. That some events wound so deep that they literally embed themselves into one’s bones and the bones of their children and their children’s children.
This is just the tip of the iceberg of Stephanie Foo’s memoir. What My Bones Know is a gut-wrenching exploration of her own mental health journey and diagnosis of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) through the lens of her past, present, and prognosis. Foo’s acerbic writing style helps the reader understand the repeated trauma of her abusive childhood and subsequent actions without pitying her. What My Bones Know is a triumph in its testament to Foo's achievements in reclaiming agency from her trauma.
What My Bones Know illuminates the frustrating struggle not only in finding adequate and effective healing methods, but in convincing others to even recognize, acknowledge, and accept that there is something wrong in the first place. Foo bolsters her story with excerpts of scientific studies and research, not necessarily because the book needed it, but because she is so accustomed to her pain being denied or minimized. Because society believes that cold, hard science confirming the long-lasting biological effects of generational trauma holds more credence than a woman bearing her entire soul to you.
I fucking loved this memoir so much that I pre-ordered a signed copy. This is already one of my favorite books that I’ve read this year, if not ever. Thank you so much, NetGalley and Ballantine for sending me an advanced copy for review.
February 21, 2022
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 5/5. Whoa. Read this one asap.
My sincere thanks to @netgalley, @randomhouse, and Ballantine Books for an advance review copy. All thoughts are my own.
Part memoir, part investigative journalism, Foo writes with humor, insight and honesty about her life as a survivor of childhood abuse, her subsequent adulthood diagnosis of complex ptsd, and her journey through various forms of therapy. Foo’s voice reminds me a little bit of Chanel Miller’s (author of the brilliant memoir Know My Name) and Michelle Zauner’s (author of the moving Crying in H Mart), but Foo’s voice is wholly her own. It takes guts to be this vulnerable.
I don’t have the right superlatives for how good this was. Foo’s exploration of how trauma is genetically passed down from generation to generation went beyond what I had encountered before and was so enlightening. Another part that stood out for me was when Foo decided to seek out a new OBGYN after feeling like she wasn’t being “seen� following her endometriosis diagnosis. Around the halfway mark, the story got a little bit bogged down in research and statistics, but it quickly picked back up again and more than held my attention through to the end. I felt so many emotions, perhaps the most surprising being pride that Foo was able to keep her fighting spirit and accomplish so much.
Great memoirs are often brutal. This one certainly is, but it is also hopeful and even helpful. It gave me insights into some of my own behaviors and relationships that I had not considered previously that I am inspired to look at more closely. I would absolutely recommend this book ~just published ~ to any and all readers, but please check the trigger warnings!!! A new favorite for me!
My sincere thanks to @netgalley, @randomhouse, and Ballantine Books for an advance review copy. All thoughts are my own.
Part memoir, part investigative journalism, Foo writes with humor, insight and honesty about her life as a survivor of childhood abuse, her subsequent adulthood diagnosis of complex ptsd, and her journey through various forms of therapy. Foo’s voice reminds me a little bit of Chanel Miller’s (author of the brilliant memoir Know My Name) and Michelle Zauner’s (author of the moving Crying in H Mart), but Foo’s voice is wholly her own. It takes guts to be this vulnerable.
I don’t have the right superlatives for how good this was. Foo’s exploration of how trauma is genetically passed down from generation to generation went beyond what I had encountered before and was so enlightening. Another part that stood out for me was when Foo decided to seek out a new OBGYN after feeling like she wasn’t being “seen� following her endometriosis diagnosis. Around the halfway mark, the story got a little bit bogged down in research and statistics, but it quickly picked back up again and more than held my attention through to the end. I felt so many emotions, perhaps the most surprising being pride that Foo was able to keep her fighting spirit and accomplish so much.
Great memoirs are often brutal. This one certainly is, but it is also hopeful and even helpful. It gave me insights into some of my own behaviors and relationships that I had not considered previously that I am inspired to look at more closely. I would absolutely recommend this book ~just published ~ to any and all readers, but please check the trigger warnings!!! A new favorite for me!
April 16, 2023
Viseral!
A memoir like no other. Stephanie Foo did not leave any stones unturned. I am blown away by her courage and how she told her story. I did not even know Complex PTSD was a thing until I opened this book.
If you love memoirs, this is definitely one to add to your reading list.
A memoir like no other. Stephanie Foo did not leave any stones unturned. I am blown away by her courage and how she told her story. I did not even know Complex PTSD was a thing until I opened this book.
If you love memoirs, this is definitely one to add to your reading list.
June 20, 2022
Hmm...I have mixed feelings on this one. It wavered between a 3 and a 4, but ultimately there were enough things about it that triggered or bothered me that I don't feel like it's a near-perfect read.
First -- I really admire what Stephanie did with this book, and with this whole journey about healing from C-PTSD. Very brave, very challenging, and ultimately, the entire world benefits from people who heal themselves. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to write the opening chapters. Brava.
I felt that this book lacked cohesion, at times, though, and it didn't read as smoothly as I would have liked it to. There were a few spots where I thought more incisive editing would have benefited the book overall, and while I appreciate that this book was meant to be relatable, I thought Stephanie's excessive use of informal language and all the asides to the reader in the text were ultimately a detriment to the overall text.
Also -- I KNOW this book is meant to be about healing, but as someone who has had lots of friends with PTSD, C-PTSD, and overall rage issues (and, more importantly, as someone who has suffered as a result of those people giving themselves license to rage) -- I thought Stephanie could have done more to address the way that she had affected other people in her life by getting triggered and therefore raging. She continuously bemoans the fact that her father won't take accountability for his actions, and then goes on to say "Yeah, I lost another friend because she couldn't handle my rage" (I'm paraphrasing, obviously).
So.... I'm not really sure what to make of that. It's incredibly rare to get an apology from someone who has raged at you -- speaking from personal experience -- and Stephanie's apparent failure to do the same was really challenging for me.
Lastly, as someone who works in publishing and sells books, I know that it's pretty rare for a book to be truly "the only one!" or "the first of its kind!" so this description (on Stephanie's website) irked me: "What My Bones Know is a literary memoir about healing from complex PTSD -- the first of its kind." Even if it's true, or true-ish, it kind of rubs me the wrong way.
First -- I really admire what Stephanie did with this book, and with this whole journey about healing from C-PTSD. Very brave, very challenging, and ultimately, the entire world benefits from people who heal themselves. I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to write the opening chapters. Brava.
I felt that this book lacked cohesion, at times, though, and it didn't read as smoothly as I would have liked it to. There were a few spots where I thought more incisive editing would have benefited the book overall, and while I appreciate that this book was meant to be relatable, I thought Stephanie's excessive use of informal language and all the asides to the reader in the text were ultimately a detriment to the overall text.
Also -- I KNOW this book is meant to be about healing, but as someone who has had lots of friends with PTSD, C-PTSD, and overall rage issues (and, more importantly, as someone who has suffered as a result of those people giving themselves license to rage) -- I thought Stephanie could have done more to address the way that she had affected other people in her life by getting triggered and therefore raging. She continuously bemoans the fact that her father won't take accountability for his actions, and then goes on to say "Yeah, I lost another friend because she couldn't handle my rage" (I'm paraphrasing, obviously).
So.... I'm not really sure what to make of that. It's incredibly rare to get an apology from someone who has raged at you -- speaking from personal experience -- and Stephanie's apparent failure to do the same was really challenging for me.
Lastly, as someone who works in publishing and sells books, I know that it's pretty rare for a book to be truly "the only one!" or "the first of its kind!" so this description (on Stephanie's website) irked me: "What My Bones Know is a literary memoir about healing from complex PTSD -- the first of its kind." Even if it's true, or true-ish, it kind of rubs me the wrong way.
May 3, 2022
4.5 stars
This is a thoughtful, intimate and vulnerable memoir of healing from child abuse, written by an acclaimed journalist who also delves into the research about the effects of trauma, different types of therapies, and even an investigation of how accurate her own memories are, with an exploration of unacknowledged abuse in Asian-American immigrant communities. I love a memoir by someone who can approach her own story with curiosity and thoughtful analysis, and Foo’s candor about her own vulnerabilities and failings is especially impressive.
Stephanie Foo had a rough childhood, including physical and emotional abuse from both parents, particularly her mom. In her teens, both abandoned her (though her dad continued to pay the bills on the house where she now lived alone). All this is summarized relatively briefly at the beginning of the book, the focus being on her adult life and journey toward healing. Unsurprisingly, she was a total mess as a young adult—professionally successful, but often lousy to other people—and went into therapy for that, but continued to suffer mental and ultimately physical health problems from undiagnosed (as far as she knew) complex PTSD. Finally learning her diagnosis in her early 30s spurred her to seek treatment for the depression and anxiety that continued to plague her, as well as her concerns that C-PTSD made her a burden to others. In the book, she tries out many of the therapies discussed in , including talk therapy, EMDR, support groups, yoga, and meditation. She also struggles to manage relationships with her family (ultimately cutting off contact with her father though maintaining some with extended family in Malaysia), but is fortunate in finding a supportive partner and being welcomed into his family. As she assures readers at the beginning, the book does have a happy ending!
There’s a lot in here that’s thoughtful and fascinating, such as Foo’s exploration of her own feelings about her trauma—she finds that she actually doesn’t have a lot of feelings about it, having dissociated herself without realizing it. Her exploration of her family’s history of trauma in Malaysia, and of what was really going on in the upscale immigrant community where she grew up, is great. And mad props for her candor about her own bad behavior: for her mental health, she probably is too self-flagellating and slow to recognize how she’s improved others� lives, but it’s one thing to be self-critical in your own head and another to publish accounts of how you at times have treated others badly. We tend to have a narrative of traumatized people as self-isolating and shy, but I think Foo’s story—of constant, desperate reaching out to others for affirmation because she’s unable to find it in herself—is far more common. I also suspect that especially with the therapy she ultimately finds, she winds up far more able to connect with others than the average person is. She clearly has a lot to give and I wound up invested in her story and her recovery.
And her story is well-told, with clean prose and a forward momentum that had me reading the whole book pretty quickly. Foo is always digging deeper and sharing her findings with the reader, which makes the book a pleasure to read despite the heaviness of some of the content. My only criticisms are really just cautions. First, Foo is a progressive millennial New Yorker, and writes like one—if you don’t want intensive introspection and up-to-the-moment political correctness, this book may not be for you.
Second, Foo is very privileged, and while she acknowledges her privilege, aspects of her experience shouldn’t be generalized to others and could make dealing with similar situations, with fewer resources, seem more daunting. Her addiction is workaholism, which seems pretty common among middle- and upper-class Americans and perhaps is a trauma response more often than we realize, but is also convenient to capitalism and therefore admired, and I think it’s unusual for someone with the level of trauma Foo has to manage so well—in other words, others shouldn’t be expected to live up to her example. Also, her healing comes about largely because of options she has that are unavailable to most people: quitting a job with a lousy boss who aggravates her trauma in order to freelance and focus on healing, and ultimately getting free therapy from a big-deal psychologist interested in her journalistic project. The therapy works out fantastically well for her, and hopefully books like this will lead to increased availability for everyone, but—as she documents—most people aren’t so lucky with their available options.
Overall, I loved reading this and would recommend it to those seeking books about trauma. I can see it being life-changing for some, and an engaging educational opportunity for others—worth a read either way.
This is a thoughtful, intimate and vulnerable memoir of healing from child abuse, written by an acclaimed journalist who also delves into the research about the effects of trauma, different types of therapies, and even an investigation of how accurate her own memories are, with an exploration of unacknowledged abuse in Asian-American immigrant communities. I love a memoir by someone who can approach her own story with curiosity and thoughtful analysis, and Foo’s candor about her own vulnerabilities and failings is especially impressive.
Stephanie Foo had a rough childhood, including physical and emotional abuse from both parents, particularly her mom. In her teens, both abandoned her (though her dad continued to pay the bills on the house where she now lived alone). All this is summarized relatively briefly at the beginning of the book, the focus being on her adult life and journey toward healing. Unsurprisingly, she was a total mess as a young adult—professionally successful, but often lousy to other people—and went into therapy for that, but continued to suffer mental and ultimately physical health problems from undiagnosed (as far as she knew) complex PTSD. Finally learning her diagnosis in her early 30s spurred her to seek treatment for the depression and anxiety that continued to plague her, as well as her concerns that C-PTSD made her a burden to others. In the book, she tries out many of the therapies discussed in , including talk therapy, EMDR, support groups, yoga, and meditation. She also struggles to manage relationships with her family (ultimately cutting off contact with her father though maintaining some with extended family in Malaysia), but is fortunate in finding a supportive partner and being welcomed into his family. As she assures readers at the beginning, the book does have a happy ending!
There’s a lot in here that’s thoughtful and fascinating, such as Foo’s exploration of her own feelings about her trauma—she finds that she actually doesn’t have a lot of feelings about it, having dissociated herself without realizing it. Her exploration of her family’s history of trauma in Malaysia, and of what was really going on in the upscale immigrant community where she grew up, is great. And mad props for her candor about her own bad behavior: for her mental health, she probably is too self-flagellating and slow to recognize how she’s improved others� lives, but it’s one thing to be self-critical in your own head and another to publish accounts of how you at times have treated others badly. We tend to have a narrative of traumatized people as self-isolating and shy, but I think Foo’s story—of constant, desperate reaching out to others for affirmation because she’s unable to find it in herself—is far more common. I also suspect that especially with the therapy she ultimately finds, she winds up far more able to connect with others than the average person is. She clearly has a lot to give and I wound up invested in her story and her recovery.
And her story is well-told, with clean prose and a forward momentum that had me reading the whole book pretty quickly. Foo is always digging deeper and sharing her findings with the reader, which makes the book a pleasure to read despite the heaviness of some of the content. My only criticisms are really just cautions. First, Foo is a progressive millennial New Yorker, and writes like one—if you don’t want intensive introspection and up-to-the-moment political correctness, this book may not be for you.
Second, Foo is very privileged, and while she acknowledges her privilege, aspects of her experience shouldn’t be generalized to others and could make dealing with similar situations, with fewer resources, seem more daunting. Her addiction is workaholism, which seems pretty common among middle- and upper-class Americans and perhaps is a trauma response more often than we realize, but is also convenient to capitalism and therefore admired, and I think it’s unusual for someone with the level of trauma Foo has to manage so well—in other words, others shouldn’t be expected to live up to her example. Also, her healing comes about largely because of options she has that are unavailable to most people: quitting a job with a lousy boss who aggravates her trauma in order to freelance and focus on healing, and ultimately getting free therapy from a big-deal psychologist interested in her journalistic project. The therapy works out fantastically well for her, and hopefully books like this will lead to increased availability for everyone, but—as she documents—most people aren’t so lucky with their available options.
Overall, I loved reading this and would recommend it to those seeking books about trauma. I can see it being life-changing for some, and an engaging educational opportunity for others—worth a read either way.
September 20, 2022
I related to this so much until she started talking about “the communists� like girl.. however still worth the read for my fellow CPTSD girliest. just ignore her historical analysis and comments on the military
November 29, 2024
ياااه أرهقني هذا الكتاب..
كتاب مشحون بالعواطف الصادقة تشاركنا فيه الكاتبة رحلتها المضنية مع العلاج النفسي واللحظة الفارقة التي عرفت فيها تشخيصها باضطراب كرب ما بعد الصدمة المعقد، والذي يختلف عن اضطراب ما بعد الصدمة في كون الثاني مرتبط بصدمة واحدة حدثت للإنسان أما الأول فهو سلسلة متوالية من الصدمات تكون في الغالب بسبب وقوع الإنسان تحت الإيذاء لفترة طويلة من حياته.
تقص علينا الكاتبة حكايات طفولتها المعذبة بين أبوين مهاجرين من ماليزيا إلى أمريكا، تعرضت فيها للعنف البالغ، الأذى ثم الهجران الكامل.
حاولت الكاتبة أن تفسر أسباب هذه المعاملة الفظة بالرجوع لتاريخ والديها والعوامل التي أثرتهم فيهم، كما حاولت ان ترجع لأصول عائلتها وتاريخهم لتعرف أكثر عن جذور مشكلتها.
استطاعت الكاتبة بعد جهد مضني وبحث دؤوب أن تتعامل مع هذا المرض الذي أيقنت أنه أصبح جزءا لا يتجزأ من شخصيتها - تصالحت مع نفسها كما يقولون - بعد ما كفت عن البحث عن التعافي الكامل، واستطاعت أن ترى نقاط القوة في شخصيتها بسبب هذا المرض، لكنها للأسف لم تسطع العفو عن ابويها، لكنها عوضت ذلك بالكثير من الحب المتبادل مع اصدقائها وزوجها وعائلته.
** مهما فعلت، أينما بحثت عن السرور، أجد صدماتي عوضا عن ذلك. وتهمس لي قائلة: ستظلين هكذا دائما. لن يتغير الوضع أبدًا. سأتتبعك. سأجعلك بائسة إلى الأبد. ثم سأقتلك.
يقول الإنتاج الفكري أن هذا طبيعي لأصحاب الصدمات. يقول الخبراء إن هذا كله جزء من حروف الميم الثلاثة: نظن أن حزننا متعلق بنا، متفش، ومستمر. متعلق بنا، بمعنى أننا تسببنا في كل المشكلات التي نواجهها. متفش، بمعنى أن حياتنا كلها حددتها إخفاقاتنا. ومستمر، بمعنى أن الحزن سيظل للأبد.
**يبدو التأريض تأملا مخففا، ممارسة من ممارسات اليقظة الذهنية لكن أسرع من التأمل وأكثر تركيزا على الأشياء الصغيرة في العالم حولك.
التأريض يشير إلى حالة من الوعي الذهني حيث تظل حاضرًا كلية في محيطك وحاضرك. تعلم من أنت وأين أنت التوقيت والعام كما أنت فيه، وما يحدث من حولك. هو مضاد الانشقاق. عملية "التأريض" تعني أخذ خطوات مقصودة لإخراج نفس الإنسان من ومضات الذكريات الانشقاق، و/ أو غيره من أشكال الضيق ... هذه مهارة جوهرية لأصحاب الصدمات.
**لكن بعد أسبوعين من إحصاء الأشياء التي أمتن لها، استوعبت أن الأشياء الصغيرة هي كل شيء. الأشياء الصغيرة هي ما تمسكت به في نهاية اليوم. نكتة واحدة جعلتني أقهقه. باقة زهور منسقة جميلة، أنظر إليها من نافذة مقهى مجيء قطتي إلي لترقد في أحضاني عندما رأتني حزينة أمدتني هذه الأشياء بالأمل، باللذة بالسلوان. معًا، كونت حياة مرضية.
فربما الأفعال الصغيرة التي أوديها تعني أكثر مما اعترفت به لنفسي. ربما عندما حضرت العشاء، أو استمعت إلى شكوى أحد الأصدقاء، أو أثنيت على حديقة مذهلة لامرأة فأنا أسهم في جعل هذا العالم مكانًا يمكن للآخرين النجاة فيه. ربما ذلك المساء، عندما يعدد مكاسبه وخسائره لليوم، سيفكر أحد في شيء فعلته ويبتسم.
**ذكرياتنا عرضة للخطأ، على قول العلماء، وهناك أدلة على أن أدمغتنا تعيد كتابتها باستمرار في الحقيقة، استعادة الذكرى أو روايتها في حد ذاته قد يغيرها في أدمغتنا.
**أعتقد أن هذا هو السبب الذي يدفعني لأعمل بجد شدید طوال الوقت. أتولى عمل غيري، أفعل أكثر مما يجب، لأن لدي هذا الاحتياج إلى القبول. أحتاج من مديري إلى أن يخبرني أنني أحسنت وإلا أشعر بذلك القلق، بذلك النقص، أنني مهما بذلت من الجهد، فلن أصل.
**عندما يحدث شيء غير عادل، يجب أن تستشعري مدى إثارته للغضب. ثم، بعد أن تعطي تلك المشاعر مساحتها للفترة الزمنية الملائمة، وربما هي ساعة، أو يوم، أو أشهر، وفقًا لجسامة ما حدث. ثم، يمكنك العودة إلى حالة الراحة أو السرور أو أي شيء آخر. التعافي ليس ألا تشعري بأي شيء. التعافي هو أن تشعري بالأحاسيس الملائمة في الأوقات الملائمة وأن تظلي قادرة على العودة إلى نفسك رغم ذلك. هذه هي الحياة.
**أن هذه المشاعر السلبية ليست مجرد شيء أحتمله وأمحوه. هي هادفة نافعة. هي تخبرنا عما نحتاج إليه. الغضب يستحث الفعل. الحزن ضروري لاستيعاب ألم الفقد. الخوف يبقينا آمنين. محو هذه المشاعر كلية ليس مستحيلا وحسب بل هو غير صحي.
هذه المشاعر السلبية تصير سامة فقط إذا حجبت المشاعر الأخرى كلها. عندما نشعر بحزن شديد لدرجة تمنع تسرب أي سرور. عندما نشعر بغضب شديد لدرجة تمنعنا من أن نرق حول الآخرين الصحة النفسية الحقيقية تبدو كتوازن بين المشاعر الجيدة والسيئة.
**هل تعرفين الفرق بين الألم والمعاناة؟
الألم يخص الشعور بالانجراح المشروع، الملائم، والحقيقي عندما يحدث شيء سيئ. المعاناة هي عندما تضيفين قطرات زائدة إلى الألم. تشعرين بالسوء حول شعورك السيئ.
كتاب مشحون بالعواطف الصادقة تشاركنا فيه الكاتبة رحلتها المضنية مع العلاج النفسي واللحظة الفارقة التي عرفت فيها تشخيصها باضطراب كرب ما بعد الصدمة المعقد، والذي يختلف عن اضطراب ما بعد الصدمة في كون الثاني مرتبط بصدمة واحدة حدثت للإنسان أما الأول فهو سلسلة متوالية من الصدمات تكون في الغالب بسبب وقوع الإنسان تحت الإيذاء لفترة طويلة من حياته.
تقص علينا الكاتبة حكايات طفولتها المعذبة بين أبوين مهاجرين من ماليزيا إلى أمريكا، تعرضت فيها للعنف البالغ، الأذى ثم الهجران الكامل.
حاولت الكاتبة أن تفسر أسباب هذه المعاملة الفظة بالرجوع لتاريخ والديها والعوامل التي أثرتهم فيهم، كما حاولت ان ترجع لأصول عائلتها وتاريخهم لتعرف أكثر عن جذور مشكلتها.
استطاعت الكاتبة بعد جهد مضني وبحث دؤوب أن تتعامل مع هذا المرض الذي أيقنت أنه أصبح جزءا لا يتجزأ من شخصيتها - تصالحت مع نفسها كما يقولون - بعد ما كفت عن البحث عن التعافي الكامل، واستطاعت أن ترى نقاط القوة في شخصيتها بسبب هذا المرض، لكنها للأسف لم تسطع العفو عن ابويها، لكنها عوضت ذلك بالكثير من الحب المتبادل مع اصدقائها وزوجها وعائلته.
** مهما فعلت، أينما بحثت عن السرور، أجد صدماتي عوضا عن ذلك. وتهمس لي قائلة: ستظلين هكذا دائما. لن يتغير الوضع أبدًا. سأتتبعك. سأجعلك بائسة إلى الأبد. ثم سأقتلك.
يقول الإنتاج الفكري أن هذا طبيعي لأصحاب الصدمات. يقول الخبراء إن هذا كله جزء من حروف الميم الثلاثة: نظن أن حزننا متعلق بنا، متفش، ومستمر. متعلق بنا، بمعنى أننا تسببنا في كل المشكلات التي نواجهها. متفش، بمعنى أن حياتنا كلها حددتها إخفاقاتنا. ومستمر، بمعنى أن الحزن سيظل للأبد.
**يبدو التأريض تأملا مخففا، ممارسة من ممارسات اليقظة الذهنية لكن أسرع من التأمل وأكثر تركيزا على الأشياء الصغيرة في العالم حولك.
التأريض يشير إلى حالة من الوعي الذهني حيث تظل حاضرًا كلية في محيطك وحاضرك. تعلم من أنت وأين أنت التوقيت والعام كما أنت فيه، وما يحدث من حولك. هو مضاد الانشقاق. عملية "التأريض" تعني أخذ خطوات مقصودة لإخراج نفس الإنسان من ومضات الذكريات الانشقاق، و/ أو غيره من أشكال الضيق ... هذه مهارة جوهرية لأصحاب الصدمات.
**لكن بعد أسبوعين من إحصاء الأشياء التي أمتن لها، استوعبت أن الأشياء الصغيرة هي كل شيء. الأشياء الصغيرة هي ما تمسكت به في نهاية اليوم. نكتة واحدة جعلتني أقهقه. باقة زهور منسقة جميلة، أنظر إليها من نافذة مقهى مجيء قطتي إلي لترقد في أحضاني عندما رأتني حزينة أمدتني هذه الأشياء بالأمل، باللذة بالسلوان. معًا، كونت حياة مرضية.
فربما الأفعال الصغيرة التي أوديها تعني أكثر مما اعترفت به لنفسي. ربما عندما حضرت العشاء، أو استمعت إلى شكوى أحد الأصدقاء، أو أثنيت على حديقة مذهلة لامرأة فأنا أسهم في جعل هذا العالم مكانًا يمكن للآخرين النجاة فيه. ربما ذلك المساء، عندما يعدد مكاسبه وخسائره لليوم، سيفكر أحد في شيء فعلته ويبتسم.
**ذكرياتنا عرضة للخطأ، على قول العلماء، وهناك أدلة على أن أدمغتنا تعيد كتابتها باستمرار في الحقيقة، استعادة الذكرى أو روايتها في حد ذاته قد يغيرها في أدمغتنا.
**أعتقد أن هذا هو السبب الذي يدفعني لأعمل بجد شدید طوال الوقت. أتولى عمل غيري، أفعل أكثر مما يجب، لأن لدي هذا الاحتياج إلى القبول. أحتاج من مديري إلى أن يخبرني أنني أحسنت وإلا أشعر بذلك القلق، بذلك النقص، أنني مهما بذلت من الجهد، فلن أصل.
**عندما يحدث شيء غير عادل، يجب أن تستشعري مدى إثارته للغضب. ثم، بعد أن تعطي تلك المشاعر مساحتها للفترة الزمنية الملائمة، وربما هي ساعة، أو يوم، أو أشهر، وفقًا لجسامة ما حدث. ثم، يمكنك العودة إلى حالة الراحة أو السرور أو أي شيء آخر. التعافي ليس ألا تشعري بأي شيء. التعافي هو أن تشعري بالأحاسيس الملائمة في الأوقات الملائمة وأن تظلي قادرة على العودة إلى نفسك رغم ذلك. هذه هي الحياة.
**أن هذه المشاعر السلبية ليست مجرد شيء أحتمله وأمحوه. هي هادفة نافعة. هي تخبرنا عما نحتاج إليه. الغضب يستحث الفعل. الحزن ضروري لاستيعاب ألم الفقد. الخوف يبقينا آمنين. محو هذه المشاعر كلية ليس مستحيلا وحسب بل هو غير صحي.
هذه المشاعر السلبية تصير سامة فقط إذا حجبت المشاعر الأخرى كلها. عندما نشعر بحزن شديد لدرجة تمنع تسرب أي سرور. عندما نشعر بغضب شديد لدرجة تمنعنا من أن نرق حول الآخرين الصحة النفسية الحقيقية تبدو كتوازن بين المشاعر الجيدة والسيئة.
**هل تعرفين الفرق بين الألم والمعاناة؟
الألم يخص الشعور بالانجراح المشروع، الملائم، والحقيقي عندما يحدث شيء سيئ. المعاناة هي عندما تضيفين قطرات زائدة إلى الألم. تشعرين بالسوء حول شعورك السيئ.
January 14, 2025
?Blew me away
This was a very painful book to read in that there were some parallels to my life that I needed to re-examine.
A therapist once called my childhood traumatic, but I thought she was exaggerating. My family loved me, unlike the author’s parents. My family failed me often, but I thought that was normal. Now I know why the therapist said what she did - it was abnormal in the context of life in the US, and in that context, it shouldn’t have been normal. It was normal to me because that’s what immigrant life is about, but my hierarchy of needs was only being minimally met. My physiological ones were met, but the rest were quite unstable (safety, love and belonging, esteem, and self-actualization - these others were up to me to figure out for my brothers and me from the moment we came to the US, from the time I was a toddler). While my childhood trauma was extremely tame compared to what Foo went through, I recognize through her work where I need to be kinder to myself and my past. Wow. That’s what this book did for me.
That she’s an Asian immigrant saying all this made a huge difference for me too. Often, it felt like every therapist only got a little bit of what I was trying to say because they were white. Then I tried to find a woman who might understand me better based on intersectionality, and I met a couple of Black women who got me a little better. Then I found an immigrant who was also closer to getting me, but none of them could understand my specific Asian immigrant background. This woman who wrote this book, whom I’ve never met, gets it, gets me! What a relief it was to read.
Will be reaching for this book many times over.
Update 2024: I now see a Latina immigrant therapist. Finding an Asian, LGBTQ+, immigrant therapist seems impossible, but my current therapist understands me enough and we have a lot in common. So I feel like she really gets me. I am learning to be gentle with myself and to see when and where cognitive distortions are getting in my way. Reading books like this one also helps me to move my therapy forward.
This was a very painful book to read in that there were some parallels to my life that I needed to re-examine.
A therapist once called my childhood traumatic, but I thought she was exaggerating. My family loved me, unlike the author’s parents. My family failed me often, but I thought that was normal. Now I know why the therapist said what she did - it was abnormal in the context of life in the US, and in that context, it shouldn’t have been normal. It was normal to me because that’s what immigrant life is about, but my hierarchy of needs was only being minimally met. My physiological ones were met, but the rest were quite unstable (safety, love and belonging, esteem, and self-actualization - these others were up to me to figure out for my brothers and me from the moment we came to the US, from the time I was a toddler). While my childhood trauma was extremely tame compared to what Foo went through, I recognize through her work where I need to be kinder to myself and my past. Wow. That’s what this book did for me.
That she’s an Asian immigrant saying all this made a huge difference for me too. Often, it felt like every therapist only got a little bit of what I was trying to say because they were white. Then I tried to find a woman who might understand me better based on intersectionality, and I met a couple of Black women who got me a little better. Then I found an immigrant who was also closer to getting me, but none of them could understand my specific Asian immigrant background. This woman who wrote this book, whom I’ve never met, gets it, gets me! What a relief it was to read.
Will be reaching for this book many times over.
Update 2024: I now see a Latina immigrant therapist. Finding an Asian, LGBTQ+, immigrant therapist seems impossible, but my current therapist understands me enough and we have a lot in common. So I feel like she really gets me. I am learning to be gentle with myself and to see when and where cognitive distortions are getting in my way. Reading books like this one also helps me to move my therapy forward.
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