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229 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1953
“A being a creature, a consciousness wakes (call it that) into a situation which is ineluctable and inexplicable. He (she? it?) tries his (hers?its?) best to understand this situation (call it that) but never succeeds. In fact, the very notion of understanding a situation becomes more and more opaque. He seems to be a part of something purposive, but what is that something, what is his part in it, what is it that calls the something purposive?�
“they have explained to me, someone must have explained to me, what it’s like, and eye, at the window, before the sea, before the earth, before the sky, at the window, against the air, opening, shutting, grey, black, grey, black, I must have understood, I must have wanted it, wanted the eye, for my own..."
“that’s all words they taught me, without making their meaning clear to me, there were columns of them... and images. I must have forgotten them, I must have mixed them up, these nameless images I have, these imageless names...�
"They’ve blown me up with their voices like ballon"
"And man, the lectures they gave me on men, before they even began trying to assimilate me to him! What I speak of, what I speak with, all comes from them...The things that they have crammed me full of to prevent me from saying who I am, where I am and from doing what i have to do."
“My fate is to search and my fate is to return empty-handed. But—I return with the unutterable. The unutterable can only be given to me through the failure of my language. Only when the word fails do I obtain what my language could not.� (The article “Going backwards�, 1962)
I'm there already: I'll start looking for me now, I'm there somewhere. It won't be I - no matter, I'll say it's I. Perhaps it will be I.
Ah if only this voice could stop! This meaningless voice which prevents you from being nothing, just barely prevents you from being nothing and nowhere - just enough to keep alight this little yellow flame feebly darting from side to side, panting, as if straining to tear itself from its wick.
Ah mother of God, the things one has to listen to!
I never made anyone suffer, I never stopped anyone's sufferings: no one will ever stop mine.
No need of a mouth: the words are everywhere, inside me, outside me.
I use them all, all the words they showed me.
But the question may be asked, why time doesn't pass? (Just like that, off the record, en passant - to pass the time.)