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336 pages, Paperback
First published November 1, 2000
Ask him about these struggles and the braggadocio fades to fatalism. “All I can do is tell the truth,� he says. “If that does it, that’s great. And if that doesn’t do it, that’s fine too.�Mr. Trump, please call me as soon as possible. I have an idea. And I think you'll like it.
“An� then…then I’m gonna get medieval on his arse.�
There were more pressing problems but this one intrigued Mr. Pin.
“How, exactly?� he said.
“Ah," said Mr Pin. "Right. I remember. You are concerned citizens." He knew about concerned citizens. Wherever they were, they all spoke the same private language, where 'traditional values' meant 'hang someone'.�
“We haven’t noticed any cracks,� said William.
“Ah, but possibly on this very site a strange cult once engaged in eldritch rites, the very essence of which permeated the neighborhood, and which seeks only the rite, ahaha, circumstances to once again arise and walk around eating people?�
“What?� said Gunilla. He looked helplessly at William, who could only add:
“They made rocking horses here.�
“Really? I’ve always thought there was something slightly sinister about rocking horses,� said Lord Vetinari, but he looked subtly disappointed.
“And at all costs there must be no trouble with the Watch.�
“Yeah, we know about the Watch,� said Mr. Pin. “Mr. Slant told us.�
“Commander Vimes is running a very…efficient Watch.�
“No problem,� said Mr. Pin.
“And it employs a werewolf.�
White powder fountained into the air. Mr. Pin had to slap his colleague on the back.
“A —ing werewolf? Are you —ing crazy?�
“Uh…why does your partner keep saying ‘ing,� Mr. Pin?� said a chair.
“You must be out of your —ing minds!� Tulip growled.
“Speech impediment,� said Pin.
“Are you poised for the exciting new millennium that lies before us, Drumknott? Are you ready to grasp the future with a willing hand?�
“I don’t know, my lord. Is special clothing required?�
“I did tell you that the Watch has a werewolf on the staff,� he said.
“Well? So what?� said Mr. Pin.
“A werewolf would have no difficulty in talking to a dog.�
“What? You’re telling us people will listen to a dog?� said Mr. Pin.
“Unfortunately, yes,� said Mr. Slant. “A dog has got personality. Personality counts for a lot. And the legal precedents are clear. In the history of this city, gentlemen, we have put on trial at various times seven pigs, a tribe of rats, four horses, one flea, and a swarm of bees. Last year a parrot was allowed as a prosecution witness in a serious murder case, and I had to arrange a witness protection scheme for it. I believe it is now pretending to be a very large budgerigar a long way away.�
(After William's newspaper help a reward for finding a dog which was a witness to murder)
“William groaned. It was Vimes. Worse, he was smiling, in a humourless predatory way.
"Ah, Mr de Worde," he said, stepping inside. "There are several thousand dogs stampeding through the city at the moment. This is an interesting fact, isn't it?"
He leaned against the wall and produced a cigar. "Well, I say dogs," he said, striking a match on Goodmountain's helmet. "Mostly dogs, perhaps I should say. Some cats. More cats now, in fact, 'cos, hah, there's nothing like a, yes, a tidal wave of dogs, fighting and biting and howling, to sort of, how can I put it, give a city a certain . . . busyness. Especially underfoot,
because - did I mention it? -they're very nervous dogs too. Oh, and did I mention cattle?" he went on, conversationally. "You know how it is, market day and so on, people are driving the cows and, my goodness, around the corner comes a wall of wailing dogs . . . Oh, and I forgot about the sheep. And the chickens, although I imagine there's not much left of the chickens now.�
"It amazes me how the news you have so neatly fits the space available . . . No little gaps anywhere. And every day something happens that is important enough to be at the top of the first page, too. How strange."
"So . . . we have what the people are interested in*, and human interest stories**, which is what humans are interested in, and the public interest***, which no one is interested in."
*man-eating goldfish, people's husbands being kidnapped by elves
**cute animals, penis-shaped vegetables
***a plot by the wealthiest people in the city to frame the governor for murder so they can replace him with someone who will stop "ruining the city" by letting in all the outsiders.
'We've always looked beyond the walls for the invaders,' he said. 'We always thought change came from outside, usually on the point of a sword. And then we look around and find that it comes from the inside of the head of someone you wouldn't notice in the street. In certain circumstances it may be convenient to remove the head, but there seem to be such a lot of them these days.'
...if you took the leaden letters that had previously been used to set the words of a god, and then used them to set a cookery book, what did that do to the holy wisdom? For that matter, what would it do to the pie? As for printing a book of spells, and then using the same type for a book of navigation - well, the voyage might go anywhere.
'Listen, what's true to a lot of people is that they need the money for the rent by the end of the week. Look at Mr Ron and his friends. What's the truth mean to them? They live under a bridge.'