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240 pages, Hardcover
First published September 18, 2018
I think of Selah and Yara and Odalys now, not as hindrances, not even as transit points to myself or as the lessons of my life � but as the life itself, the theory of my life. They and I are not made of nothingness. They've gone on in their own narratives. I've gone on in mine. I must sit in the knowledge of them; we remain adjacent. They've given me, in part, material for a lifetime of theory, but I can't live in the prosthetic. They are not my arms, not my body, nor my head, not even my imagination � they escape and exceed me and I am left with me.
Back to the body as intelligence: the body is, after all, a living organism � with its own intention, separate from the parsed out, pored over intentions that one can say come from the mind. The mind's interpretation of the body is irrelevant. The body pursues its own needs and its own desires with fibre optic precision not even yet detailed by scientists. Selah's body, for example, had decided on cinnamon, and it has, to my way of thinking, synthesized all of the atmosphere around it to smell of cinnamon. Or let me withdraw that previous statement. Perhaps it is my body, my olfactory nerve, that decided on cinnamon at the appearance of Selah, and so it collected the smell of cinnamon around the presence of Selah. On the other hand, there might be a third theory unknown to both Selah and me that accounts for the cinnamon. Whatever the truth of this, Selah smelled like cinnamon.
I couldn't bind Yara to the normative, to an uncritical monogamy, a monogamy unexamined and taken for granted. And I couldn't deny Yara the full and true expression of her sexuality, especially on the basis of an uncritical acceptance of the norm. The normative was a doldrum we had all been lured into by the forces of capital, et cetera. This is what I knew and felt, even as I also felt a certain sting of jealousy and loss whenever one of those people showed up with Yara. In my analysis this “sting� was a vestigial emotion that probably predated capital, or perhaps had its root in capital, but was nevertheless what remained of different social relations and circumstances. My theory of myself is that any idea I can understand � that is, if it can be explained along ethical and moral lines as essentially unharmful, and as contributing to my intellectual life, my growth as a human being � I will embrace. And who was I, my theory theorized, who was I to claim hegemony over Yara's body? I've never wanted control of anyone, least of all their body. And least of all Yara's. Yara. I wanted Yara to have all she wanted.
Let me say from the outset I loved Odalys' body the way one loves a theory. Not, say, the theory of relativity � that would be too simple and unitary, I suggest. And besides, I know nothing of science. A theory such as the theory of language is more the theory that comes to mind. How it is acquired and why certain sounds occur in certain regions; the uses of the tongue, et cetera. A theory such as one suggested by Chomsky's works might best describe my fascination. To be more precise, it wasn't Odalys' body but the sense of Odalys' body, like a universal weight in the world. Perhaps, perhaps it was the weight of her presence, the “mental grammar�. Sometimes I think I created Odalys out of what I needed, and what I needed was a balancing weight to my theories � some presence that would deny or counter those theories through embodiment.
Our gaze should light now on the male body, its location and its excesses. Theory has failed so far to witness the spectacle of the masculine. Theory has merely assumed the spectacle of the masculine as a priori. Theory has fallen down in rooting out this ubiquitous being that commands everything but appears nowhere, is fed and nurtured on a corpse, and requires more and more feeding. So the female body is placed on the pyre every day, roasted and dressed to enliven this necrophiliac. Who is at the center of this body, how is it constituted, how is it hidden from observation; who enforces this regimen of necrogenesis? This is my line of inquiry. Simply, who is the being that feeds off the corpse of femininity?