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Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do
A revolutionary, real-world solution to the problem of unpaid, invisible work that women have shouldered for too long.
It started with the Sh*t I Do List. Tired of being the "shefault" parent responsible for all aspects of her busy household, Eve Rodsky counted up all the unpaid, invisible work she was doing for her family -- and then sent that list to her husband, asking for things to change. His response was... underwhelming. Rodsky realized that simply identifying the issue of unequal labor on the home front wasn't enough: She needed a solution to this universal problem. Her sanity, identity, career, and marriage depended on it.
The result is Fair Play: a time- and anxiety-saving system that offers couples a completely new way to divvy up domestic responsibilities. Rodsky interviewed more than five hundred men and women from all walks of life to figure out what the invisible work in a family actually entails and how to get it all done efficiently. With four easy-to-follow rules, 100 household tasks, and a figurative card game you play with your partner, Fair Play helps you prioritize what's important to your family and who should take the lead on every chore from laundry to homework to dinner.
"Winning" this game means rebalancing your home life, reigniting your relationship with your significant other, and reclaiming your Unicorn Space -- as in, the time to develop the skills and passions that keep you interested and interesting. Are you ready to try Fair Play? Let's deal you in.
It started with the Sh*t I Do List. Tired of being the "shefault" parent responsible for all aspects of her busy household, Eve Rodsky counted up all the unpaid, invisible work she was doing for her family -- and then sent that list to her husband, asking for things to change. His response was... underwhelming. Rodsky realized that simply identifying the issue of unequal labor on the home front wasn't enough: She needed a solution to this universal problem. Her sanity, identity, career, and marriage depended on it.
The result is Fair Play: a time- and anxiety-saving system that offers couples a completely new way to divvy up domestic responsibilities. Rodsky interviewed more than five hundred men and women from all walks of life to figure out what the invisible work in a family actually entails and how to get it all done efficiently. With four easy-to-follow rules, 100 household tasks, and a figurative card game you play with your partner, Fair Play helps you prioritize what's important to your family and who should take the lead on every chore from laundry to homework to dinner.
"Winning" this game means rebalancing your home life, reigniting your relationship with your significant other, and reclaiming your Unicorn Space -- as in, the time to develop the skills and passions that keep you interested and interesting. Are you ready to try Fair Play? Let's deal you in.
352 pages, ebook
First published October 1, 2019
5,897 people are currently reading
54.1k people want to read
About the author
Eve Rodsky
17books261followersEve Rodsky is working to change society one marriage at a time with a new 21st century solution to an age-old problem: women shouldering the brunt of childrearing and domestic life responsibilities regardless of whether they work outside the home.
In her forthcoming book Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live), she uses her Harvard Law School training and years of organizational management experience to create a gamified life-management system to help couples rebalance all of the work it takes to run a home and allow them to reimagine their relationship, time and purpose.
Eve Rodsky received her B.A. in economics and anthropology from the University of Michigan, and her J.D. from Harvard Law School. After working in foundation management at J.P. Morgan, she founded the Philanthropy Advisory Group to advise high-net worth families and charitable foundations on best practices for harmonious operations, governance and disposition of funds. In her work with hundreds of families over a decade, she realized that her expertise in family mediation, strategy, and organizational management could be applied to a problem closer to home � a system for couples seeking balance, efficiency, and peace in their home. Rodsky was born and raised by a single mom in New York City and now lives in Los Angeles with her husband and their three children.
In her forthcoming book Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live), she uses her Harvard Law School training and years of organizational management experience to create a gamified life-management system to help couples rebalance all of the work it takes to run a home and allow them to reimagine their relationship, time and purpose.
Eve Rodsky received her B.A. in economics and anthropology from the University of Michigan, and her J.D. from Harvard Law School. After working in foundation management at J.P. Morgan, she founded the Philanthropy Advisory Group to advise high-net worth families and charitable foundations on best practices for harmonious operations, governance and disposition of funds. In her work with hundreds of families over a decade, she realized that her expertise in family mediation, strategy, and organizational management could be applied to a problem closer to home � a system for couples seeking balance, efficiency, and peace in their home. Rodsky was born and raised by a single mom in New York City and now lives in Los Angeles with her husband and their three children.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 2,949 reviews
January 24, 2020
My wife and I have accidentally created our own little book club this year. We’ve read The Power as well as Catch and Kill at the same time, engaged in some pretty awesome conversations, and then she insisted I read Fair Play as well.
Fair Play is written for a very specific audience, and it’s also written for women. More specifically, it’s written for moms, and, even more specially, it’s written for moms with husbands and kids. I’m sure partners with or without kids could find value here as well, but the target audience is busy moms who take on a lot of mental and physical work, which includes my wife.
The ideas here are great, but this book is ultimately fluffed up with too much filler and anecdotes to give it length without substance. I did gleam some nuggets os useful information and nodded in agreement with the author’s main premise. I had the chance to classify myself as a “Where’s the Butter?� husband mixed with a few other stereotypes. I learned what extra planning and conceptualizing goes into day-to-day activities that often go unnoticed by me, as I am often trying to find the butter.
The idea of the game is cool, but I didn’t need a chapter that explained each section or each square and what it meant with examples. I didn’t need dozens of stories and quotes from other people. I didn’t need the redundancy. This could have been much shorter, but I get it. You can’t sell an idea or a one page instruction sheet. I get it.
So tonight I’m gonna help me friend move a couch. He’s going to pay me in wings that are not plant-based and bourbon. I’m going to come back home with a full stomach and a lighter head, I’m going to sit down at my kitchen table, and I’m going to play Fair Play. I’m going to CPE the hell out of all of the cards I get. I’m going to find my Unicorn Space and keep giving myself self-care. I’m gonna destroy this game, and my wife and I will live happier lives.
Then, I’m gonna find the damn butter.
Fair Play is written for a very specific audience, and it’s also written for women. More specifically, it’s written for moms, and, even more specially, it’s written for moms with husbands and kids. I’m sure partners with or without kids could find value here as well, but the target audience is busy moms who take on a lot of mental and physical work, which includes my wife.
The ideas here are great, but this book is ultimately fluffed up with too much filler and anecdotes to give it length without substance. I did gleam some nuggets os useful information and nodded in agreement with the author’s main premise. I had the chance to classify myself as a “Where’s the Butter?� husband mixed with a few other stereotypes. I learned what extra planning and conceptualizing goes into day-to-day activities that often go unnoticed by me, as I am often trying to find the butter.
The idea of the game is cool, but I didn’t need a chapter that explained each section or each square and what it meant with examples. I didn’t need dozens of stories and quotes from other people. I didn’t need the redundancy. This could have been much shorter, but I get it. You can’t sell an idea or a one page instruction sheet. I get it.
So tonight I’m gonna help me friend move a couch. He’s going to pay me in wings that are not plant-based and bourbon. I’m going to come back home with a full stomach and a lighter head, I’m going to sit down at my kitchen table, and I’m going to play Fair Play. I’m going to CPE the hell out of all of the cards I get. I’m going to find my Unicorn Space and keep giving myself self-care. I’m gonna destroy this game, and my wife and I will live happier lives.
Then, I’m gonna find the damn butter.
August 31, 2019
An interesting book, and somewhat comforting to read. As a DINK I don't have a lot of these issues talked about in the book, but it has struck me that even though I have a full time job, with a half hour commute on either end, I end up doing all the housework, grocery shopping, meal execution, household repairs, budgeting, etc. while my husband uses his spare time to volunteer, attend political forums, have coffee "meetings" with every mover and shaker in the city, and play on his Ipad. And get cranky when dinner is not planned, or when he is forced to eat leftovers two night in a row instead of having fresh food made for him. So I was excited to get an ARC of this book.
I felt a lot of sympathy for the author, and the other women discussed in the book, as I could see flashes of myself in them, and I actually was (again) SOOOOOOO grateful for the fact that I don't have any children, because there is no way I could deal with those hassles. However, although the author clearly came from a background that should make her empathetic of single working mothers, her book only applies to a married couple. A married couple with a decent amount of education and money, with fairly traditional jobs. I couldn't see how a single parent of several children, who receives minimal support from their former partner, who may be working multiple minimum wage jobs would be able to participate in this card game. Which struck me as odd, since this scenario is very similar to the way the author claims she was raised. She talks her head off about Unicorn Space, but I know full well that working single mothers DO NOT HAVE THE TIME OR RESOURCES to partake in such a thing, not matter how much Eve Rodsky insists they can. Despite the fact that at the beginning of the book she makes a vague promise that she interviewed people across racial and socioeconomic backgrounds, I did not once see evidence of this in any of her proposed solutions.
This book is obviously meant to appeal to white, upper middle class, college educated women, which is fine, but that leaves a majority of women out of the conversation, including myself. I wish it had attempted to appeal to a wider audience, especially since there were points made that really struck me. For example, I think the idea of Unicorn Space is a great idea for me, since I haven't pursued it much since I got married. Luckily, I don't have kids, and I have enough in savings to take it on. I also like that she points out that we should all strive to remain interesting instead of becoming stagnant and stuck, but again, this point falls flat to a parent living on the edge of homelessness, trying to get their family from one hour to the next, praying that a missed day of work will not derail them.
It will find an audience, but it won't be me, or anyone I know.
I felt a lot of sympathy for the author, and the other women discussed in the book, as I could see flashes of myself in them, and I actually was (again) SOOOOOOO grateful for the fact that I don't have any children, because there is no way I could deal with those hassles. However, although the author clearly came from a background that should make her empathetic of single working mothers, her book only applies to a married couple. A married couple with a decent amount of education and money, with fairly traditional jobs. I couldn't see how a single parent of several children, who receives minimal support from their former partner, who may be working multiple minimum wage jobs would be able to participate in this card game. Which struck me as odd, since this scenario is very similar to the way the author claims she was raised. She talks her head off about Unicorn Space, but I know full well that working single mothers DO NOT HAVE THE TIME OR RESOURCES to partake in such a thing, not matter how much Eve Rodsky insists they can. Despite the fact that at the beginning of the book she makes a vague promise that she interviewed people across racial and socioeconomic backgrounds, I did not once see evidence of this in any of her proposed solutions.
This book is obviously meant to appeal to white, upper middle class, college educated women, which is fine, but that leaves a majority of women out of the conversation, including myself. I wish it had attempted to appeal to a wider audience, especially since there were points made that really struck me. For example, I think the idea of Unicorn Space is a great idea for me, since I haven't pursued it much since I got married. Luckily, I don't have kids, and I have enough in savings to take it on. I also like that she points out that we should all strive to remain interesting instead of becoming stagnant and stuck, but again, this point falls flat to a parent living on the edge of homelessness, trying to get their family from one hour to the next, praying that a missed day of work will not derail them.
It will find an audience, but it won't be me, or anyone I know.
March 21, 2021
DNF... made it 50% through... this is not for me. 😜❤️📚
November 22, 2019
This book is only for two-parent homes struggling to find a balance in at-home responsibilities. There were a lot of things it left unaddressed- such as workaholic spouses, or as numerous reviews stated, any kind of lower-class home (where for example maybe one person works a night shift). If you want it only for that very limited area, it's helpful.
I happen to have a husband who is not only doing a fair amount but might also be doing an equal amount (or more?). But one thing I've noticed in my friends' relationships-- that this book addresses (though perhaps not clearly enough) is that many mothers take on a bunch of tasks that are actually not at all important to their husbands. I think the reason I notice this so much is because I'm not the type of mother who feels like we need to craft for every holiday or decorate to excess or aggressively participate in my children's homework etc. I have "husband standards" for many things. So when I see a friend who is a mother sign each of her kid up for three activities and then bemoan that her husband won't help with all of them- I silently agree with the husband. Her standard is just too high in my opinion. That's why I think the most valuable part of this book is the part where she makes couples agree on their values and what tasks need to get done before they apportion those tasks. The more tasks you can just completely take off the list so that neither person has to do them, the better, in my opinion.
I've been recommending this book to people I know might benefit from it.
I happen to have a husband who is not only doing a fair amount but might also be doing an equal amount (or more?). But one thing I've noticed in my friends' relationships-- that this book addresses (though perhaps not clearly enough) is that many mothers take on a bunch of tasks that are actually not at all important to their husbands. I think the reason I notice this so much is because I'm not the type of mother who feels like we need to craft for every holiday or decorate to excess or aggressively participate in my children's homework etc. I have "husband standards" for many things. So when I see a friend who is a mother sign each of her kid up for three activities and then bemoan that her husband won't help with all of them- I silently agree with the husband. Her standard is just too high in my opinion. That's why I think the most valuable part of this book is the part where she makes couples agree on their values and what tasks need to get done before they apportion those tasks. The more tasks you can just completely take off the list so that neither person has to do them, the better, in my opinion.
I've been recommending this book to people I know might benefit from it.
October 21, 2019
I had to stop reading this half way in. She does an extremely unfair job of portraying a man's contribution in the household. The most laughable part to me was when she was splitting up their lists of "shit they do" and gave each of her tasks sub-points. She gave herself "taking care of the pet" and there were several sub-points to the extent of buying the dog food, taking them to vet appointments, etc. Meanwhile, she gave her husband 1) manage the finances and 2) cars and maintenance. TWO THINGS. WHAT?! Taking care of the pet gets a list of sub-points and managing the household finances gets ONE??? Does she understand what all goes into this? I don't know.. just didn't like the light that she shined on what her husband contributed and felt she was coming from a place of man-hating that I can't exactly relate to.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 14, 2019
Before reading Fair Play, I wondered what would happen to my children if I died. Would they grow up in squalor, never having their hair combed and teeth brushed, or clean clothes to wear? Would they never see the doctor or dentist again for their regular check-ups? After reading Fair Play, I realized that of course not…my kids would be absolutely fine, because my husband is a reasonable and smart man, and thus, he would simply remarry.
Simply stated, Fair Play is about equitably restructuring the domestic division of labor, a complex topic that has been discussed in-depth for decades, but without a revolutionary, systematic resolution, until now. However, before diving headfirst into the depths of this discussion, we would be remiss if we did not acknowledge that this topic of domestic workload overlaps multiple social constructs: sexuality, race, gender, and class. These varying degrees of intersecting socially constructed identities make for real life consequences and differences for those occupying these identities. For example, a white, wealthy, cisgender woman in a heterosexual marriage will have a very different experience than a black, impoverished, transwoman in a same gender marriage. In sum, when you add various social identities together, there are increased odds of having specific types of advantaging or disadvantaging experiences, producing inequity (oppression or privilege) that is compounded over time. However, these differences that our social identities bring into the equation are not what keep us divided. Our refusal to acknowledge these differences and the resulting differences in our oppressions in ways that motivate us to think about and to act against inequity maintains and widens the divisions. It takes compassion, self-awareness and critical consciousness to identify the similarities that exist within our lives across differences while also interrogating the inequities and injustices upon which this country was founded. The topic of domestic division of labor allows us to do both.
The opposite of oppression is equity, justice, or fairness, rather than equality. Equity is the result of a humanizing process that takes into consideration individual circumstances and the differential effects of sociopolitical contexts; whereas equality ignores precipitating, historical and causal factors and only focuses on equal input. Courage and honest dialogue with open-minded listening are required to step up to difficult conversations about past and current injustice, which is the first step out of inequity. Beware of deflection strategies that perpetuate the cycle of inequity. Deflection strategies divert attention from pertinent ideas and actions to irrelevant issues. One deflection strategy is the belief in myths such as the 24-hour woman or the work-life balance. We are taught to believe the impossible is attainable. Inevitably, when we fall short, we blame our shortcomings for failure. We believe there’s something wrong with us rather than fault the myth. Setting the goal for perfection sets everyone up for failure: obviously, a no win situation. The main take away from Fair Play that I received is that we can all win if we play this game of life fairly. In an inequitable system of patriarchy men are more likely to receive systemic advantages over women that may increase their sociopolitical, economic standings to a 7 on the accomplishment scale of 1 � 10; and, women, because of systemic disadvantage, may be at a 4 on that same scale. If we partner to fight for equity, then we can all be at a 9. An equitable system benefits everyone. We all have something to gain and no one has to lose. Equity creates a win-win.
There’s a historical context and a sociopolitical climate that allows the current division of domestic workload to exist. Fair Play brings into focus the role that macro-systems (i.e., culture, norms, mores) play within micro contexts and the cyclical relationship between the public and private sphere, such that, private troubles become public problems and public issues become private struggles. Culture, systems, and policies manifest at the intrapersonal level � that is, within our individual thoughts and behaviors, such as prejudices and discrimination � as well as within our interpersonal relationships. External values invade our homes, controlling our way of domestic life, such that our homes are microcosms of American culture and society. Redistributing the domestic workload requires a paradigm shift from the inequitable practices that occur outside our homes to standards of equity within our homes. Fair Play gives us permission to create our own values that introduce equity into our households, creating an equitable shift in domestic workload, and setting examples for our children: that is the revolution.
Once working towards equity in our private lives, then it’s time to take the fight public to address the socio-structural issues that have squatted for too long in our homes, adversely possessing our minds, relationships and time. It’s important to remember that the issue is not men against women or wives versus husbands. Our partners are not the enemy. It’s not a revolution if we’re fighting each other - rather the fight should be between us and the systems of inequity. Mothers and fathers can work together to transform the system. United households can advocate for affordable childcare options and employment policies that support families. “In a world of possibility for us all, our personal visions help lay the groundwork for political action� (Audre Lorde, p. 112). The sum of our individual differences should not divide us on issues regarding our collective liberation.
Fair Play was not written in a vacuum void of sociopolitical realities. The research in Fair Play was done with due diligence, remaining cognizant of the fact that social science research tends to have samples with people who have dominant social identities (e.g., heterosexual, white). Those samples seem to reflect the identities of those conducting the research. With this in mind, Fair Play had a respectable sample size of 507 people; 37% were people of color. Although Fair Play was not authored by a social science researcher, the sample is probably more diverse than many research studies about the gender division of labor, which suggests that Fair Play has a wider applicability. Although it is difficult to write for a broad audience, Fair Play acknowledges that we share similar experiences across social identities and the inequitable division of labor affects us all. Everyone’s personal situation is nuanced and complex. Thus, the effect of this issue will be different, but the issue remains the same. Regardless of one’s positionality on the social hierarchy, the Fair Play system can provide insight and apply to your particular circumstances. We can start a revolution within our households, sweep the public sphere clean of social norms and cultural mores that uphold inequitable domestic labor practices, producing a ripple effect to future generations, thus, transforming America one marriage at a time. The worst thing we can tell ourselves and our children is: “that’s just the way it is,� because the way it is, doesn’t have to be. We make the choice to maintain or change with every action or non-action. Here’s a thought experiment for you while you read Fair Play: Imagine what could be different about you, your relationships and the world, if we collectively decided to play fair.
Simply stated, Fair Play is about equitably restructuring the domestic division of labor, a complex topic that has been discussed in-depth for decades, but without a revolutionary, systematic resolution, until now. However, before diving headfirst into the depths of this discussion, we would be remiss if we did not acknowledge that this topic of domestic workload overlaps multiple social constructs: sexuality, race, gender, and class. These varying degrees of intersecting socially constructed identities make for real life consequences and differences for those occupying these identities. For example, a white, wealthy, cisgender woman in a heterosexual marriage will have a very different experience than a black, impoverished, transwoman in a same gender marriage. In sum, when you add various social identities together, there are increased odds of having specific types of advantaging or disadvantaging experiences, producing inequity (oppression or privilege) that is compounded over time. However, these differences that our social identities bring into the equation are not what keep us divided. Our refusal to acknowledge these differences and the resulting differences in our oppressions in ways that motivate us to think about and to act against inequity maintains and widens the divisions. It takes compassion, self-awareness and critical consciousness to identify the similarities that exist within our lives across differences while also interrogating the inequities and injustices upon which this country was founded. The topic of domestic division of labor allows us to do both.
The opposite of oppression is equity, justice, or fairness, rather than equality. Equity is the result of a humanizing process that takes into consideration individual circumstances and the differential effects of sociopolitical contexts; whereas equality ignores precipitating, historical and causal factors and only focuses on equal input. Courage and honest dialogue with open-minded listening are required to step up to difficult conversations about past and current injustice, which is the first step out of inequity. Beware of deflection strategies that perpetuate the cycle of inequity. Deflection strategies divert attention from pertinent ideas and actions to irrelevant issues. One deflection strategy is the belief in myths such as the 24-hour woman or the work-life balance. We are taught to believe the impossible is attainable. Inevitably, when we fall short, we blame our shortcomings for failure. We believe there’s something wrong with us rather than fault the myth. Setting the goal for perfection sets everyone up for failure: obviously, a no win situation. The main take away from Fair Play that I received is that we can all win if we play this game of life fairly. In an inequitable system of patriarchy men are more likely to receive systemic advantages over women that may increase their sociopolitical, economic standings to a 7 on the accomplishment scale of 1 � 10; and, women, because of systemic disadvantage, may be at a 4 on that same scale. If we partner to fight for equity, then we can all be at a 9. An equitable system benefits everyone. We all have something to gain and no one has to lose. Equity creates a win-win.
There’s a historical context and a sociopolitical climate that allows the current division of domestic workload to exist. Fair Play brings into focus the role that macro-systems (i.e., culture, norms, mores) play within micro contexts and the cyclical relationship between the public and private sphere, such that, private troubles become public problems and public issues become private struggles. Culture, systems, and policies manifest at the intrapersonal level � that is, within our individual thoughts and behaviors, such as prejudices and discrimination � as well as within our interpersonal relationships. External values invade our homes, controlling our way of domestic life, such that our homes are microcosms of American culture and society. Redistributing the domestic workload requires a paradigm shift from the inequitable practices that occur outside our homes to standards of equity within our homes. Fair Play gives us permission to create our own values that introduce equity into our households, creating an equitable shift in domestic workload, and setting examples for our children: that is the revolution.
Once working towards equity in our private lives, then it’s time to take the fight public to address the socio-structural issues that have squatted for too long in our homes, adversely possessing our minds, relationships and time. It’s important to remember that the issue is not men against women or wives versus husbands. Our partners are not the enemy. It’s not a revolution if we’re fighting each other - rather the fight should be between us and the systems of inequity. Mothers and fathers can work together to transform the system. United households can advocate for affordable childcare options and employment policies that support families. “In a world of possibility for us all, our personal visions help lay the groundwork for political action� (Audre Lorde, p. 112). The sum of our individual differences should not divide us on issues regarding our collective liberation.
Fair Play was not written in a vacuum void of sociopolitical realities. The research in Fair Play was done with due diligence, remaining cognizant of the fact that social science research tends to have samples with people who have dominant social identities (e.g., heterosexual, white). Those samples seem to reflect the identities of those conducting the research. With this in mind, Fair Play had a respectable sample size of 507 people; 37% were people of color. Although Fair Play was not authored by a social science researcher, the sample is probably more diverse than many research studies about the gender division of labor, which suggests that Fair Play has a wider applicability. Although it is difficult to write for a broad audience, Fair Play acknowledges that we share similar experiences across social identities and the inequitable division of labor affects us all. Everyone’s personal situation is nuanced and complex. Thus, the effect of this issue will be different, but the issue remains the same. Regardless of one’s positionality on the social hierarchy, the Fair Play system can provide insight and apply to your particular circumstances. We can start a revolution within our households, sweep the public sphere clean of social norms and cultural mores that uphold inequitable domestic labor practices, producing a ripple effect to future generations, thus, transforming America one marriage at a time. The worst thing we can tell ourselves and our children is: “that’s just the way it is,� because the way it is, doesn’t have to be. We make the choice to maintain or change with every action or non-action. Here’s a thought experiment for you while you read Fair Play: Imagine what could be different about you, your relationships and the world, if we collectively decided to play fair.
October 2, 2019
This is the October @reesesbookclub selection. As a single woman who lives alone, I did not relate to this book. I find this to be such a miss for RBC as it really alienated me. This was clearly a vanity project for the author and I disliked the tone of several of her statements. I found the game to be confusing, and so much of it is based on your perceived opinions of your partner that I can’t imagine this would actually go over well. Maybe if I was at a different point in life this book would have been more beneficial.
September 30, 2021
This book was a game changer. I feel bad for all the negative reviews. I feel being a Reese’s book club pick did a disservice to this book. It resulted in a lot of people reading this book who shouldn’t have. In other words not the target audience. If you’re not the target audience to a “self-help� book then don’t read it, it’s not for you, and for God sakes, don’t give it a bad review. Of course it wasn’t helpful, it wasn’t meant to help you - it was meant to help someone in a completely different stage of life.
With that being said. On the surface most of this feels like common sense. But when you’re in the heat of the moment of everyday life, you don’t really think of it on your own. So this information wasn’t something completely new that was a groundbreaking discovery. It was a light bulb that has been broken finally getting fixed and turning on for the first time. A “well duh, that makes sense� moment. A self actualization, a relationship development, a change of habit that completely changed our life.
With that being said. On the surface most of this feels like common sense. But when you’re in the heat of the moment of everyday life, you don’t really think of it on your own. So this information wasn’t something completely new that was a groundbreaking discovery. It was a light bulb that has been broken finally getting fixed and turning on for the first time. A “well duh, that makes sense� moment. A self actualization, a relationship development, a change of habit that completely changed our life.
October 10, 2019
I’m hesitant to say too much about this or rate it because I’m not the intended audience. As such I’m surprised Reese Witherspoon would select a book that alienates a large percentage of her book club readers. This book did make me appreciate all that parents, in particular moms, do. If I didn’t want kids or marriage before I certainly don’t want it now. This sealed the deal.
This is hetero-normative and gendered to the hilt and that’s a real missed opportunity. While same sex couples are mentioned here and there, really examining how non-traditional households handle the never ending to-do list would have been interesting. Also what about exploring the division of labor in the households of other cultures?
I’m sorry but words like “systemization� and “efficiency� and “expectations� appear throughout this. Doesn’t that make marriage and family sound fun and joyous? Yuck! And no amount of “it’s a card game! It’s so fun� is going to change my opinion from yuck.
Again, I recognize that I’m not the audience for this. If you’re an overwhelmed and underappreciated parent, perhaps give this a read you might get a lot more out of it than I did.
This is hetero-normative and gendered to the hilt and that’s a real missed opportunity. While same sex couples are mentioned here and there, really examining how non-traditional households handle the never ending to-do list would have been interesting. Also what about exploring the division of labor in the households of other cultures?
I’m sorry but words like “systemization� and “efficiency� and “expectations� appear throughout this. Doesn’t that make marriage and family sound fun and joyous? Yuck! And no amount of “it’s a card game! It’s so fun� is going to change my opinion from yuck.
Again, I recognize that I’m not the audience for this. If you’re an overwhelmed and underappreciated parent, perhaps give this a read you might get a lot more out of it than I did.
September 17, 2020
The most important thing to note about this book is that it is for women who live with a man (married, most likely) and have one or more children. If that is you and you have the feeling that you are handling a bunch of unseen and unappreciated work around the house, READ THIS BOOK. *note: check out the website fairplaylife.com for her COVID times toolkit*
I was familiar with the concept of emotional labor and the unequal division of work (especially caregiving tasks--doctor's appointments, anyone?) but none of that previous reading went any further than describing the issue. Fair Play not only lays out the common tasks required to keep a house going these days, it provides a framework for discussing them and fully releasing some of them to your partner. It also does a good job of calling out some of the things that women can do that keep the majority of these tasks on their plate.
I implemented the recommendations in my own household, and it's been really awesome. The initial conversation wasn't exactly fun, but it was well worth it. Highly recommend!
I was familiar with the concept of emotional labor and the unequal division of work (especially caregiving tasks--doctor's appointments, anyone?) but none of that previous reading went any further than describing the issue. Fair Play not only lays out the common tasks required to keep a house going these days, it provides a framework for discussing them and fully releasing some of them to your partner. It also does a good job of calling out some of the things that women can do that keep the majority of these tasks on their plate.
I implemented the recommendations in my own household, and it's been really awesome. The initial conversation wasn't exactly fun, but it was well worth it. Highly recommend!
May 1, 2020
I appreciate what Rodsky is trying to do, but so much of this feels like overkill to me. There's really no need for a game this complicated--it's clearly the author's passion project, but it's essentially just a tool to help couples communicate better. I found much of her approach to be a.) frustratingly heteronormative and b.) frustratingly infantilizing of men (and enabling of this kind of infantilization, which feels like a double whammy). Maybe my husband and I are a bit of a unique situation: when you have a kid with special needs, it's all-hands-on-deck, all the time, and maybe I just truly hit the husband lottery, but I felt like our relationship has developed a natural rhythm and distribution of labor based on a.) who has more bandwidth at any given time and b.) solid communication strategies. I appreciated some of what Rodsky discusses in this book, like the importance of establishing a "minimum standard of care," and differentiating between equality and equity in the division of household labor. And maybe this book isn't all-or-nothing, and couples can pick and choose what works for them and what they need. But to me, it felt like major overkill.
November 4, 2019
Picked up this book because of Reese’s bookclub. Although there was obviously a lot of research done and she does point out some good points. It sounds like she wants to impose this “game� to their marriage, delegate while still supervising tasks instead of making the relationship a true partnership.
What gave this book only two stars was the tone.
Men are trash, woman are superior. Husband, if you don’t play this game, our whole marriage is at risks. She also make you put labels on yourself and your partner.
There’s too many good books out there about communication, vulnerability and partnerships that makes you feel empowered but also shine a positive light.
This book simply made me feel angry and made me think things about my partner that are not truly happening the way the author tries to make it seems.
What gave this book only two stars was the tone.
Men are trash, woman are superior. Husband, if you don’t play this game, our whole marriage is at risks. She also make you put labels on yourself and your partner.
There’s too many good books out there about communication, vulnerability and partnerships that makes you feel empowered but also shine a positive light.
This book simply made me feel angry and made me think things about my partner that are not truly happening the way the author tries to make it seems.
March 2, 2021
Oh my goodness! I could not finish this book! It is one long, angry rant about all that needs to be done to have a marriage, family, and home run smoothly and harmoniously. Please tell me it's a joke!
Granted, my family is raised, my marriage is happy, and our home functions smoothly; so I'm looking BACK on the the busy, never-ending list of tasks from a different perspective.
Evidently the author felt like she has to do everything and the husband just goes to work and comes home and relaxes. Her solution is to write down every single task on 100 different cards and expect them to be divided equally between partners and executed to HER standards. She has categories, the most offensive being “Daily Grind� with such precious “tasks� as reading with your child or tucking her into bed.
I refuse to believe that men today are as self-centered and blind to the workings of a smooth-running marriage and family as they were in the 50s. Men do change diapers, cook meals, take & pick up children, do the laundry, and share the responsibilities. I can't imagine any spouse being agreeable to having 50 cards “assigned� to them with guaranteed blame attached if the task is not completed. It would be difficult to find a sane person who could have a harmonious relationship with a person as “nit picky� as this to take the precious time to make up the 100 cards! It's a recipe for disaster. A calm discussion early in the relationship about what makes a happy home and family and supporting each other toward that goal for a lifetime seems much more effective.
Granted, my family is raised, my marriage is happy, and our home functions smoothly; so I'm looking BACK on the the busy, never-ending list of tasks from a different perspective.
Evidently the author felt like she has to do everything and the husband just goes to work and comes home and relaxes. Her solution is to write down every single task on 100 different cards and expect them to be divided equally between partners and executed to HER standards. She has categories, the most offensive being “Daily Grind� with such precious “tasks� as reading with your child or tucking her into bed.
I refuse to believe that men today are as self-centered and blind to the workings of a smooth-running marriage and family as they were in the 50s. Men do change diapers, cook meals, take & pick up children, do the laundry, and share the responsibilities. I can't imagine any spouse being agreeable to having 50 cards “assigned� to them with guaranteed blame attached if the task is not completed. It would be difficult to find a sane person who could have a harmonious relationship with a person as “nit picky� as this to take the precious time to make up the 100 cards! It's a recipe for disaster. A calm discussion early in the relationship about what makes a happy home and family and supporting each other toward that goal for a lifetime seems much more effective.
November 14, 2019
I thought this was interesting but ocelot idealistic. I think it would be useful for two full time working patents to go through this game together and play, but for SAHM, which Rodsky says she is also (mostly?) talking to, I think the most important message here is: make time for self care, adult relationships, and "unicorn space". And have your partner get on board with that. There, i just saved you having to read this book.
November 4, 2019
As a male, be prepared to be bashed in this book as the “doofy husband� of commercials. Eve seems to be resentful of her kids (for ruining her previously “perfect� life and career) but channels it to her husband. Her solution is a passive-aggressive (in the special way lawyers can only do) “system� of pointing out all the things each person should do and then micromanaging how they do them (“minimum standard of care�).
Do some research on Eve’s husband’s connection with Reese’s brand and you’ll see this is just some marketing BS. Skip this useless book. There are one or two good points in the book, but it’s mostly just a pet project with very out of touch advice.
Do some research on Eve’s husband’s connection with Reese’s brand and you’ll see this is just some marketing BS. Skip this useless book. There are one or two good points in the book, but it’s mostly just a pet project with very out of touch advice.
March 28, 2022
In all honesty, I haven't read this book. But my roommate produced the movie so I'm just trying to bump it higher on the ŷ algorithm because I'm very proud of her :)))))
September 20, 2019
If you follow me on social media, you know I have been going on and on about Fair Play but I am just so excited about it. I love parenting books, I love self-help and relationship books and as soon as I saw the premise of this I knew I needed to read it ASAP!
The adjustment to parenthood did not happen super easily for us both personally and in our relationship together. It was a huge transition and we struggled in many ways as we navigated our new roles and expectations of one another.
“On many days, feeling the full weight of exhaustion that would seize me the moment my baby was down and I was finally offline, I’d wonder What did I do all day? When even I couldn’t answer the question, there was no doubt in my mind that I’d lost all control of my time. Sound familiar?�
While we have learned a lot as the years have gone by, figuring out the daily logistics of life with work, marriage, kids and our household tasks is a constant juggling act. Fair Play both takes on and tackles the topics of the mental load, second shift, emotional labor and invisible work that in the 21st century still cause a great imbalance in many family’s home lives.
Not only is Eve Rodsky’s writing accessible and totally relatable, but it is also helpful! I love a good plan. I feel the absolute worst when life feels tough and I don’t know what my next steps are going to be. Even when things are still rocky, when I am moving forward, things always feel more manageable.
Rodsky created a simple and straightforward approach to help equitably restructuring the balance of domestic “duties� while also factoring in time to focus on creative and personal growth so that everyone feels fulfilled and happy.
While our relationship does follow a similar path as Rodsky’s (heterosexual married couple with kids) she has also done her due diligence. Rodsky worked with 500+ couples to include a wide variety of multiple social constructs which can alter perspectives, challenges, and accessibility so this book really is for everyone!
Her Q&A on her own website is super informative if you are looking to learn more about why she took on this project. Resources like this are so awesome to help raise awareness of these important conversations that are so important to navigating family life.
Thank you to Putnam for sending this amazing book mail and to Edelweiss for an ARC ebook edition.
The adjustment to parenthood did not happen super easily for us both personally and in our relationship together. It was a huge transition and we struggled in many ways as we navigated our new roles and expectations of one another.
“On many days, feeling the full weight of exhaustion that would seize me the moment my baby was down and I was finally offline, I’d wonder What did I do all day? When even I couldn’t answer the question, there was no doubt in my mind that I’d lost all control of my time. Sound familiar?�
While we have learned a lot as the years have gone by, figuring out the daily logistics of life with work, marriage, kids and our household tasks is a constant juggling act. Fair Play both takes on and tackles the topics of the mental load, second shift, emotional labor and invisible work that in the 21st century still cause a great imbalance in many family’s home lives.
Not only is Eve Rodsky’s writing accessible and totally relatable, but it is also helpful! I love a good plan. I feel the absolute worst when life feels tough and I don’t know what my next steps are going to be. Even when things are still rocky, when I am moving forward, things always feel more manageable.
Rodsky created a simple and straightforward approach to help equitably restructuring the balance of domestic “duties� while also factoring in time to focus on creative and personal growth so that everyone feels fulfilled and happy.
While our relationship does follow a similar path as Rodsky’s (heterosexual married couple with kids) she has also done her due diligence. Rodsky worked with 500+ couples to include a wide variety of multiple social constructs which can alter perspectives, challenges, and accessibility so this book really is for everyone!
Her Q&A on her own website is super informative if you are looking to learn more about why she took on this project. Resources like this are so awesome to help raise awareness of these important conversations that are so important to navigating family life.
Thank you to Putnam for sending this amazing book mail and to Edelweiss for an ARC ebook edition.
October 6, 2019
Made some good points but mostly made me depressed about the never-ending-ness of all of this.
November 3, 2019
#ReeseWitherspoon Book Club October 2019 pick
I listened to about 50% of this self-help audiobook and just couldn’t take it any more. Too much anger and talk of “unicorn space�! It’s actually quite sad that modern relationships have become so petty � couples trying to one-up each other.
I listened to about 50% of this self-help audiobook and just couldn’t take it any more. Too much anger and talk of “unicorn space�! It’s actually quite sad that modern relationships have become so petty � couples trying to one-up each other.
December 24, 2019
I read this on a recommendation from a young mom who liked it. Perhaps I am too old to get anything from this book, but it was so annoying to read. It felt like just a long list of complaints of doing too much. Don't get me wrong, I am all about equalizing housework and it's something my spouse and I have argued about for years, but this approach seems like the absolute wrong way to go about it. It seems excessively aggressive and fight-y and high strung. Her approach to her spouse seems pretty antagonistic and her laundry list of things that she does seems way too long. And then setting up cards of stuff to do would make me go nuts. Maybe some people like to work this way, but I would rebel if you presented me with a "system" this rigid for dividing household labor.
June 24, 2019
My friend Julie, a mom and business owner said recently, "If I lean in any more, I will fall over." It stuck right to the heart of what so many women I know are dealing with as they strive for balance in career and family, always on the brink of falling off the edge. What if we had the opportunity to balance the scales at home? What if my husband and I decided to plan out the division of labor at home before we had kids? What if I could actually quantify my domestic workload and give my husband more than his 4%? I am finding answers in Eve's book and pretty excited about what could happen I planned home management the way I plan my business. This is a must-read in for women in 2019.
November 7, 2019
I picked this up bc it was the Reese Witherspoon pick for October. My sis skimmed it and told me I could skip it, even though we are reading all the RW picks. It’s solely focused on moms with kids. This is not me. If I got anything from skimming the first few pages of this book, it’s that everyone’s time is valuable and my valuable time should be spent on a book I’ll enjoy more.
November 4, 2022
I really enjoyed this book - so much so that even though I listened to it for free from the library, I'm going to buy a physical copy to annotate it and pull quotes.
I found myself nodding along as I was driving to and from work� and yes, getting angry. Because the facts ARE anger-inducing! Women are the "she-fault" (default) to domestic tasks and the cognitive labor of running a household. Women naturally take on more chores, take on the mental load of unseen work, are expected to assign out work to their partners like a project manager, and then get blamed for being a "nag". UGH.
While reading, I started asking women I know in real life about the split of their domestic work with their husbands. I also posted a not-super-nice Instagram story about my own husband after going to pack my lunch one morning and realizing he hadn't closed the Triscuit box properly, meaning they all went stale. And I got a ton of examples from women of shit their spouses do that piss them off or are ridiculous to them.
I couldn't help but wonder, as I was talking to all this women and reading the Fair Play book� are men really so much less capable than women? Of being self-sufficient, of multi-tasking, or taking on work and domestic tasks? Are all men wielding weaponized incompetence - pretending to be bad at something to get out of doing it in the future? Or, are men truly blind to the work that goes into keeping a household running?
While Fair Play scientifically knocks down the myth that women are better at multi-tasking or more suited to domestic chores, I do think both weaponized incompetence and blissful ignorance play a role in why today, even when women work outside the home (and even when women are the breadwinners / higher earners in their families) - they are still expected to act like a housewife.
I wish Fair Play went a BIT more into weaponized incompetence vs blissful ignorance and how to combat both (I read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work as a companion book to this and found a lot of good information on how to actually get through to your spouse on solvable problems and perpetual problems) - but that wasn't really the purpose of this book and I get it. I just enjoyed Eve Rodsky's voice and research, and I think she could have made this interesting. Maybe one day she'll come out with a book on marriage and communication!
The second half of this book goes into detail on the Fair Play game. The basics: you need to define what tasks/chores are "musts" in your home. You need to define a minimum standard of care - the basis for completing the task successfully. You need to assign value to each one - how important it is for your home. You need to split the cards. And re-deal. And re-deal. And re-deal.
I fully see the merit in these cards and the game. It makes visible all the mental labor that goes into each task. When you hold a card (a chore, task, etc) you own the conception, planning, and execution. No reminders, no help, no delegating. If you want to see the cards, check out the Fair Play website - they're all listed on there with a description of each. (A Reddit forum I found talking about the game actually discouraged from buying the physical cards because they said you still have to go to the website for the DETAILS on each card - apparently they're not printed on there.)
Do I think that the game will work for every couple? No.
For my husband and I, who are currently childless and pet-less (RIP Lucy), working full time, living in a small two bedroom condo� we really wouldn't have a big deck of cards. Also, based on our current work schedules, it just isn't feasible to have one person in charge of dishes (all rinsing, loading, unloading) - unless we're okay with dishes in the sink for days at a time (and I'm not). There's also ground work needed for some of the cards. Sadly, my husband cannot cook. I mean, I'm not a great cook but I can figure it out. That's something we have to work on before I feel comfortable asking him to plan meals or make weeknight dinners. I'm not having a burger every night!
Personally, I really enjoyed this book for the information and context it provided. I will take the SPIRIT of this book and apply it to my life. I'm sure Eve advises against this and I fully get it - but at the end of the day you need to do what'll work for your relationship in the present. I'm hopeful that in the future we can fully "deal" cards that each of us will own, entirely.
I found myself nodding along as I was driving to and from work� and yes, getting angry. Because the facts ARE anger-inducing! Women are the "she-fault" (default) to domestic tasks and the cognitive labor of running a household. Women naturally take on more chores, take on the mental load of unseen work, are expected to assign out work to their partners like a project manager, and then get blamed for being a "nag". UGH.
While reading, I started asking women I know in real life about the split of their domestic work with their husbands. I also posted a not-super-nice Instagram story about my own husband after going to pack my lunch one morning and realizing he hadn't closed the Triscuit box properly, meaning they all went stale. And I got a ton of examples from women of shit their spouses do that piss them off or are ridiculous to them.
I couldn't help but wonder, as I was talking to all this women and reading the Fair Play book� are men really so much less capable than women? Of being self-sufficient, of multi-tasking, or taking on work and domestic tasks? Are all men wielding weaponized incompetence - pretending to be bad at something to get out of doing it in the future? Or, are men truly blind to the work that goes into keeping a household running?
While Fair Play scientifically knocks down the myth that women are better at multi-tasking or more suited to domestic chores, I do think both weaponized incompetence and blissful ignorance play a role in why today, even when women work outside the home (and even when women are the breadwinners / higher earners in their families) - they are still expected to act like a housewife.
I wish Fair Play went a BIT more into weaponized incompetence vs blissful ignorance and how to combat both (I read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work as a companion book to this and found a lot of good information on how to actually get through to your spouse on solvable problems and perpetual problems) - but that wasn't really the purpose of this book and I get it. I just enjoyed Eve Rodsky's voice and research, and I think she could have made this interesting. Maybe one day she'll come out with a book on marriage and communication!
The second half of this book goes into detail on the Fair Play game. The basics: you need to define what tasks/chores are "musts" in your home. You need to define a minimum standard of care - the basis for completing the task successfully. You need to assign value to each one - how important it is for your home. You need to split the cards. And re-deal. And re-deal. And re-deal.
I fully see the merit in these cards and the game. It makes visible all the mental labor that goes into each task. When you hold a card (a chore, task, etc) you own the conception, planning, and execution. No reminders, no help, no delegating. If you want to see the cards, check out the Fair Play website - they're all listed on there with a description of each. (A Reddit forum I found talking about the game actually discouraged from buying the physical cards because they said you still have to go to the website for the DETAILS on each card - apparently they're not printed on there.)
Do I think that the game will work for every couple? No.
For my husband and I, who are currently childless and pet-less (RIP Lucy), working full time, living in a small two bedroom condo� we really wouldn't have a big deck of cards. Also, based on our current work schedules, it just isn't feasible to have one person in charge of dishes (all rinsing, loading, unloading) - unless we're okay with dishes in the sink for days at a time (and I'm not). There's also ground work needed for some of the cards. Sadly, my husband cannot cook. I mean, I'm not a great cook but I can figure it out. That's something we have to work on before I feel comfortable asking him to plan meals or make weeknight dinners. I'm not having a burger every night!
Personally, I really enjoyed this book for the information and context it provided. I will take the SPIRIT of this book and apply it to my life. I'm sure Eve advises against this and I fully get it - but at the end of the day you need to do what'll work for your relationship in the present. I'm hopeful that in the future we can fully "deal" cards that each of us will own, entirely.
August 27, 2019
Anyone who has been in a relationship where they are sharing their lives under one roof will find something of interest in Fair Play. I can't speak for everyone, but for most of my friends and my relationship, the scale never seems balanced when it comes to taking care of the place called home(and the children or fur babies). Fair Play presents a plan for a more even distribution of the myriad of tasks that have to be dealt with on an ongoing basis. It is written in a thought-provoking and engaging way, that may lead to some well-needed adult conversations.
Too often, arguments ensue when people are frustrated, and I can see how taking the emotion out of the conversation, and approaching it logically, as you would at work, can lead to a better outcome. That may be the hardest part of trying to improve the situation at home, but after all, we would all agree that running a home and having a family is a second job, so why not treat it the way you treat your paying job? It is well- researched, well thought out, and may well save a relationship or two. This book gave me quite a lot to think about and I am eager to see where it takes me. US publication � October 1, 2019
I received a DRC from Putnam through NetGalley.
My Review System:
5 stars � Absolutely loved everything about the book! It was unique or presented something differently, and I couldn't put it down. Highly recommended.
4 stars � A really solid read that made me glad I read the book. Didn't keep me up all night or make me abandon my plans, but I would recommend it without hesitation.
3 stars � An ok read and I might try another book by the same author to see if their writing style is a good fit for me.
2 stars � The book just didn't work for me.
1 star � I have never read a 1-star book( yet, fingers crossed), but I would have to hate it to give it this rating.
Too often, arguments ensue when people are frustrated, and I can see how taking the emotion out of the conversation, and approaching it logically, as you would at work, can lead to a better outcome. That may be the hardest part of trying to improve the situation at home, but after all, we would all agree that running a home and having a family is a second job, so why not treat it the way you treat your paying job? It is well- researched, well thought out, and may well save a relationship or two. This book gave me quite a lot to think about and I am eager to see where it takes me. US publication � October 1, 2019
I received a DRC from Putnam through NetGalley.
My Review System:
5 stars � Absolutely loved everything about the book! It was unique or presented something differently, and I couldn't put it down. Highly recommended.
4 stars � A really solid read that made me glad I read the book. Didn't keep me up all night or make me abandon my plans, but I would recommend it without hesitation.
3 stars � An ok read and I might try another book by the same author to see if their writing style is a good fit for me.
2 stars � The book just didn't work for me.
1 star � I have never read a 1-star book( yet, fingers crossed), but I would have to hate it to give it this rating.
December 9, 2021
I enjoyed this and would recommend it to anyone who shares household duties with a partner, whether you have kids or not. I loved how practical the book is and the author's tips for how to phrase conversation starters. I don't totally agree with the tactic she recommends of having only one person own each household task completely, and I feel like the author also didn't address how the time earning an income should factor into household responsibilities. But overall this was great food for thought and I think will bring about some great conversations in my home.
May 30, 2022
I’m not sure whether to give this book two or three stars. There were a lot of interesting and helpful elements to it and I definitely will implement some things into my life. However, I have a laundry list of things I really hated and felt like this book could approve upon.
I might’ve had an older edition because I noticed the website has much more inclusive language but very many parts of this book were essentially “Husband stupid and lazy. Wife smart and does everything�
I’m sure there are a lot of women in marriages who would fall into (the very specific niche lol) that this book clearly is catering to. Those women would likely find Fair Play extremely validating but tbh I think most of them should probably just divorce their husbands.
I might’ve had an older edition because I noticed the website has much more inclusive language but very many parts of this book were essentially “Husband stupid and lazy. Wife smart and does everything�
I’m sure there are a lot of women in marriages who would fall into (the very specific niche lol) that this book clearly is catering to. Those women would likely find Fair Play extremely validating but tbh I think most of them should probably just divorce their husbands.
October 26, 2019
I have mixed feeling about this book. So many of the sentiments Eve said rang true to my life as a full time working mother who holds 87 cards and somewhere keeps the family afloat. At the same time, I felt this was a little silly... a card game to play with husband to make sure I wasn’t the one doing all the work? So my takeaway is that even if I don’t use the fair play cards or card game, it’s got me starting the discussion with husband on how to share some of responsibilities, it also has me asking the questions like why? Why do my children need to be involved in everything?
September 10, 2021
Recommend? Not a chance.Rodsky's gleams success from this book because it hits home for so many women of our time.
As a mother myself, I understand Rodsky's perspective and she does make some valid arguments such as our culture needing to change its realistic views on motherhood so women can feel valued at home or at work, so longer maternity leaves can take place like other countries already practice, and so more fathers can participate in domestic duties.
She and her girlfriends create a list of all the things mothers must do for their household to run successfully and makes each item on the list a physical card. Even reading to your child at night is a card from the list. Then, she and her husband pick the cards they must do - fairly evening out the work.
I have many gripes with all of this. First is that she creates this "system" out of spite and anger. She has a huge chip on her shoulder toward her husband and perhaps the role of husbands and fathers alike. She reiterates the message that our society is constantly shoving down our throats: husbands and fathers are good for nothing, lazy, and mothers do it all. I don't believe this to be the majority of husbands and fathers at all; many are doing very noble work both in and outside their homes.
Second, not to mention her interviewed population of husband and wives is a biased sample - they all have the same answers. I can't help but think that some women like Rodsky feel this way because they are burnt out and wanting control of it all - desiring fulfillment in their careers, building their own reputations, competing for the latest gadgets in our materialistic world - while raising a family. I am not sure you can have it all without all of it falling a part. She does interview stay-at-home moms too - and again all seem to also lack fulfillment by making this choice to sacrifice themselves for their families. How sad! I simply can't believe that this is a true representation of parents in our country today. If this is the case, why is anyone having kids?!
Third, I am shocked that people find this book to be a surprise on Reese Witherspoon's book club list. This audience the book targets is exactly her audience to whom she also caters - the white, upper class, working woman who is heterosexual though supports liberal ideologies. This describes Reese Witherspoon herself, does it not? This book is for the classic, nuclear family, which bothers many readers today. Yet, this is still the real, widespread, and common family of our times.
Fourth, her ideas could have been summed up in one chapter instead of a length of a book. Still, I do not think healthy marriages especially those with children will benefit in reading this or partaking in this fair play game. If we want attitudes and expectations of mothers to change, it needs to begin in our homes by teaching our children to value all parts of family life, so we then raise men and women to see their domestic duties as sacred and the utmost dignified work ... not a drain on anyone's "unicorn space" or trying to be a more "interesting" person. C'mon, Eve. That is selfish nonsense. I propose that you share some serious conversations with your spouse to tackle life together, be a team, do your roles (and the work that comes with those roles well), ask for help when you need it, and love your family above all else.
Fifth, to say that these roles will be "fair" is unrealistic. A larger issue that this book fails to acknowledge is the reality that moms and dads have fundamentally different roles and different types of work that they must do for their family simply because one or the other cannot offer what the opposite sex can to their child. It has been this way since the beginning of time. Though again, many today will argue otherwise. Who really thinks that all husbands/dads can write thank you notes, plan parties, and always produce thoughtful gifts? Some of this ordinary work that is so draining to Rodsky is a glimpse of the feminine genius that women offer to the world. This book is an absolute blow to Rodsky's single mother who had to do it all without complaint and of course, her husband. Again, this is simply selfish nonsense.
All in all, I am not saying women can't work, but I am saying that parents need to be realistic and there will be some sacrifice whether that means the father or mother hiring help, going part-time, or staying home. You can do this without becoming a dictator and taskmaster like she suggests, especially toward your husband. It's not about keeping score or being in control between you and your spouse. The ultimate result will show in the people you raise. You must model selflessly loving one another in the ordinary work that mothers and fathers are simply tasked to do.
As a mother myself, I understand Rodsky's perspective and she does make some valid arguments such as our culture needing to change its realistic views on motherhood so women can feel valued at home or at work, so longer maternity leaves can take place like other countries already practice, and so more fathers can participate in domestic duties.
She and her girlfriends create a list of all the things mothers must do for their household to run successfully and makes each item on the list a physical card. Even reading to your child at night is a card from the list. Then, she and her husband pick the cards they must do - fairly evening out the work.
I have many gripes with all of this. First is that she creates this "system" out of spite and anger. She has a huge chip on her shoulder toward her husband and perhaps the role of husbands and fathers alike. She reiterates the message that our society is constantly shoving down our throats: husbands and fathers are good for nothing, lazy, and mothers do it all. I don't believe this to be the majority of husbands and fathers at all; many are doing very noble work both in and outside their homes.
Second, not to mention her interviewed population of husband and wives is a biased sample - they all have the same answers. I can't help but think that some women like Rodsky feel this way because they are burnt out and wanting control of it all - desiring fulfillment in their careers, building their own reputations, competing for the latest gadgets in our materialistic world - while raising a family. I am not sure you can have it all without all of it falling a part. She does interview stay-at-home moms too - and again all seem to also lack fulfillment by making this choice to sacrifice themselves for their families. How sad! I simply can't believe that this is a true representation of parents in our country today. If this is the case, why is anyone having kids?!
Third, I am shocked that people find this book to be a surprise on Reese Witherspoon's book club list. This audience the book targets is exactly her audience to whom she also caters - the white, upper class, working woman who is heterosexual though supports liberal ideologies. This describes Reese Witherspoon herself, does it not? This book is for the classic, nuclear family, which bothers many readers today. Yet, this is still the real, widespread, and common family of our times.
Fourth, her ideas could have been summed up in one chapter instead of a length of a book. Still, I do not think healthy marriages especially those with children will benefit in reading this or partaking in this fair play game. If we want attitudes and expectations of mothers to change, it needs to begin in our homes by teaching our children to value all parts of family life, so we then raise men and women to see their domestic duties as sacred and the utmost dignified work ... not a drain on anyone's "unicorn space" or trying to be a more "interesting" person. C'mon, Eve. That is selfish nonsense. I propose that you share some serious conversations with your spouse to tackle life together, be a team, do your roles (and the work that comes with those roles well), ask for help when you need it, and love your family above all else.
Fifth, to say that these roles will be "fair" is unrealistic. A larger issue that this book fails to acknowledge is the reality that moms and dads have fundamentally different roles and different types of work that they must do for their family simply because one or the other cannot offer what the opposite sex can to their child. It has been this way since the beginning of time. Though again, many today will argue otherwise. Who really thinks that all husbands/dads can write thank you notes, plan parties, and always produce thoughtful gifts? Some of this ordinary work that is so draining to Rodsky is a glimpse of the feminine genius that women offer to the world. This book is an absolute blow to Rodsky's single mother who had to do it all without complaint and of course, her husband. Again, this is simply selfish nonsense.
All in all, I am not saying women can't work, but I am saying that parents need to be realistic and there will be some sacrifice whether that means the father or mother hiring help, going part-time, or staying home. You can do this without becoming a dictator and taskmaster like she suggests, especially toward your husband. It's not about keeping score or being in control between you and your spouse. The ultimate result will show in the people you raise. You must model selflessly loving one another in the ordinary work that mothers and fathers are simply tasked to do.
July 4, 2020
In some ways I feel like I shouldn't write a review until my husband is done reading this book and we actually try implementing the Fair Play strategy in our household. But I'm going to go ahead and give it 5 stars anyway because I felt so affirmed in reading it. In the first few chapters there were a bunch of places I underlined and at one point I even scribbled in the margin, "Thank you thank you thank you Eve!!"
Your average middle class American wife/mom (and I believe that is the specific audience that Eve is writing to) is stretched thin by carrying almost all the burden of the emotional labor in the household. They become, as Eve calls it, "the she-fault parent," the CEO of the household, the only person who knows what the schedule is, what kind of toothpaste to buy, how much toilet paper is left, what school projects are due, where the lunchboxes are (and what to put inside them), when the car registration needs to be renewed, what the week's menu is... you get the picture. And for a lot of women they are doing this on top of working part or full time. It's not that their husbands don't help� in fact that's the problem. Our society conditions men to view themselves as helpers in the running of a household, when, as Eve believes and I wholeheartedly agree, what most women want is partners.
This book is Eve's solution to that problem, a system she designed to help lay all the household cards on the table and come up with a fair solution so that couples can be true partners with each other, resentment can be banished, and both partners can reclaim space for self-care, adult friendships, and what Eve calls "unicorn space" which is time to pursue the passions and interests that make each person her/his fullest, truest self. Eve guides you through the process of (literally) laying all the cards out on the table with your partner, breaking down exactly what it takes to run your household, deciding as a couple what your values are, and collaboratively forming a system that is fair, where all expectations are on the table and both partners are set up for success.
Sound too good to be true? Maybe. What I realized while I was reading, however, is that though it sounds magical, what Eve is really doing more than anything else is teaching couples a way of communicating. My husband and I have had several discussions based on what he's read so far, and we've both admitted that a big part of the marital conflict we've had over the running of our household lies in the fact that in 8.5 years of marriage, we've never actually sat down and figured out a shared vision for what we actually want our family to look like, what our separate and collective values and goals are for our family, and how we can achieve those goals within those stated values. It feels a little embarrassing to write that, but I'm pretty sure we aren't the only married couple who drifted into a default pattern without realizing it.
So... I have high hopes. I will definitely come back and update this review, but even just the reading of it was an affirming, and hopeful experience. I felt seen, heard, and understood, and that process allowed me to let go of some of my resentment and feel excited about actually collaborating with my husband to create a household where everybody's needs are met.
Your average middle class American wife/mom (and I believe that is the specific audience that Eve is writing to) is stretched thin by carrying almost all the burden of the emotional labor in the household. They become, as Eve calls it, "the she-fault parent," the CEO of the household, the only person who knows what the schedule is, what kind of toothpaste to buy, how much toilet paper is left, what school projects are due, where the lunchboxes are (and what to put inside them), when the car registration needs to be renewed, what the week's menu is... you get the picture. And for a lot of women they are doing this on top of working part or full time. It's not that their husbands don't help� in fact that's the problem. Our society conditions men to view themselves as helpers in the running of a household, when, as Eve believes and I wholeheartedly agree, what most women want is partners.
Though some men... were taking {tasks}, they weren't holding on to them. Not without reminders. And an "attaboy" for a job completed. Ahem. A reminder, in itself, takes tremendous mental effort by you. It requires knowing what needs to be done, remembering what needs to be done, and reminding someone to get it done, whereas the person being reminded gets of easy. He doesn't have to remember a thing, nor does he worry about forgetting. And if you think about it, reminding and praising is the daily work of parenting children, not partnering with husbands.
This book is Eve's solution to that problem, a system she designed to help lay all the household cards on the table and come up with a fair solution so that couples can be true partners with each other, resentment can be banished, and both partners can reclaim space for self-care, adult friendships, and what Eve calls "unicorn space" which is time to pursue the passions and interests that make each person her/his fullest, truest self. Eve guides you through the process of (literally) laying all the cards out on the table with your partner, breaking down exactly what it takes to run your household, deciding as a couple what your values are, and collaboratively forming a system that is fair, where all expectations are on the table and both partners are set up for success.
Sound too good to be true? Maybe. What I realized while I was reading, however, is that though it sounds magical, what Eve is really doing more than anything else is teaching couples a way of communicating. My husband and I have had several discussions based on what he's read so far, and we've both admitted that a big part of the marital conflict we've had over the running of our household lies in the fact that in 8.5 years of marriage, we've never actually sat down and figured out a shared vision for what we actually want our family to look like, what our separate and collective values and goals are for our family, and how we can achieve those goals within those stated values. It feels a little embarrassing to write that, but I'm pretty sure we aren't the only married couple who drifted into a default pattern without realizing it.
So... I have high hopes. I will definitely come back and update this review, but even just the reading of it was an affirming, and hopeful experience. I felt seen, heard, and understood, and that process allowed me to let go of some of my resentment and feel excited about actually collaborating with my husband to create a household where everybody's needs are met.
December 22, 2023
unique solution to the inequality in invisible labor!
next step is trying it out at home
next step is trying it out at home
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