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The Panic Years
Every woman will experience the panic years in some way between her mid-twenties and early forties.This maddening period of transformation and personal crisis is recognisable by the myriad of decisions we make - about partners, holidays, jobs, homes, savings, friendships - all of which are impacted by the urgency of the single decision that comes with a biological deadline, the one decision that is impossible to take back; whether or not to have a baby. But how to stay sane in such a maddening time? How to know who you are and what you might want from life? How to know if you're making the right decisions? Raw, hilarious and beguilingly honest, Nell Frizzell's account of her panic years is both an arm around the shoulder and a campaign to start a conversation. This affects us all - women, men, mothers, children, partners, friends, colleagues - so it's time we started talking about it with a little more candour.
341 pages, Kindle Edition
First published February 9, 2021
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18.8k people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 611 reviews
July 29, 2021
I initially thought this was a self-help book (maybe it's the cover?) but reader be warned - it's not. This is a memoir accounting the author's experiences in what she deems The Flux/The Panic Years (I am still uncertain why we switch between these terms - aren't they the same thing?). She defines these years as the period between a woman's late twenties and late thirties when she has to make some big decisions. Do I want kids? What would it mean for me to have or not have them? If I do want them, when do I want them? With whom? And allllllll the other uncertainties, angst and stress that comes with these choices.
There are things I enjoyed about this - specifically Frizzell's descriptions ("... the sky like a shared towel in a student bathroom: gray, mottled and damp") and her unflinching honesty about pregnancy and motherhood. Reading her chapter on giving birth, I realized that I have never read anything this honest and graphic? Albeit I haven't searched for that info, but nothing I've read in the past has gone into as much detail as she does. I also enjoyed her commentary societal views of motherhood and pregnancy. For example:
- "Fertility is such a difficult feminist issue because our biology hasn't caught up with our politics" - a fantastic quote that dives into the timing of fertility (i.e. many women are rising in their careers when they must make a decision to have a family before the biological timer ticks down).
- We all know it takes two-to-tango when it comes to getting pregnant, yet the burden of contraception and pregnancy rests solely on women (and this is embedded in our cultural and medical foundations).
These things being said, I also had some issues. Firstly, and a big problem with the book, was that it dragged for me - so much so that I didn't want to pick it up again after reading the first few chapters. When I finally did (in order to finish this review), it felt like such a slog until ~2/3 in, when Frizzle begins to try for a child. Secondly, the author talks about a lot of studies and data, but none of it is cited (maybe this is because I had an ARC? I hope that's the reason why). Thirdly, it felt uncomfortable to hear her talk about how she had to convince and prod and push her boyfriend to agree to have a child with her. I get that she's probably trying to convey her honest experiences - but it sure seems like he never wanted a kid.
Overall, I am glad I read this, although I don't know if it helped at all with my own personal navigation of The Panic Years. Frizzell writes that she always knew she wanted children, so this really deals less with her own personal decision of YES/NO and more-so how society/others view her choice, and her experiences living with her choice. If anything, it's reassuring to get inside the mind of somebody that also feels confused and concerned, but don't expect to find any of your own personal answers here.
I voluntarily obtained a digital version of this book free from Netgalley and Flatiron Books in exchange for an honest review!
There are things I enjoyed about this - specifically Frizzell's descriptions ("... the sky like a shared towel in a student bathroom: gray, mottled and damp") and her unflinching honesty about pregnancy and motherhood. Reading her chapter on giving birth, I realized that I have never read anything this honest and graphic? Albeit I haven't searched for that info, but nothing I've read in the past has gone into as much detail as she does. I also enjoyed her commentary societal views of motherhood and pregnancy. For example:
- "Fertility is such a difficult feminist issue because our biology hasn't caught up with our politics" - a fantastic quote that dives into the timing of fertility (i.e. many women are rising in their careers when they must make a decision to have a family before the biological timer ticks down).
- We all know it takes two-to-tango when it comes to getting pregnant, yet the burden of contraception and pregnancy rests solely on women (and this is embedded in our cultural and medical foundations).
These things being said, I also had some issues. Firstly, and a big problem with the book, was that it dragged for me - so much so that I didn't want to pick it up again after reading the first few chapters. When I finally did (in order to finish this review), it felt like such a slog until ~2/3 in, when Frizzle begins to try for a child. Secondly, the author talks about a lot of studies and data, but none of it is cited (maybe this is because I had an ARC? I hope that's the reason why). Thirdly, it felt uncomfortable to hear her talk about how she had to convince and prod and push her boyfriend to agree to have a child with her. I get that she's probably trying to convey her honest experiences - but it sure seems like he never wanted a kid.
Overall, I am glad I read this, although I don't know if it helped at all with my own personal navigation of The Panic Years. Frizzell writes that she always knew she wanted children, so this really deals less with her own personal decision of YES/NO and more-so how society/others view her choice, and her experiences living with her choice. If anything, it's reassuring to get inside the mind of somebody that also feels confused and concerned, but don't expect to find any of your own personal answers here.
I voluntarily obtained a digital version of this book free from Netgalley and Flatiron Books in exchange for an honest review!
February 11, 2021
As a topic that stresses me out whenever I make the decision to try and navigate it, motherhood is for me and many others an all but fleeting set of circumstances colliding simultaneously which must happen before time shifts into a different part of life's journey. I am currently in those years now where almost daily I consider the positive and negatives, opportunities and restrictions but the primary element that creates this overwhelming anxiety is that it will soon have slipped through my hands. I feel tears as I write and it almost feels cruel that the fairer sex are the only ones with this issue. Men can happily go on procreating and producing offspring until their dying day but for us it is a topic that begs for a solid decision day after day and a decision that will undoubtedly change the course of more than just that child's life. It's a decision I can't make concretely and therefore this situation is destined to continue for years to come. Luckily, renowned journalist Nell Frizzell explores what happens when a woman begins to ask herself: should I have a baby? This somehow brings some comfort in such a complex situation.
We have descriptors for many periods of life―adolescence, menopause, mid-life crisis, quarter-life crisis―but there is a period of profound change that many women face, often in their late twenties to early forties, that does not yet have a name. Nell Frizzell is calling this period of flux “the panic years,� and it is often characterized by a preoccupation with one major question: should I have a baby? And from there―do I want a baby? With whom should I have a baby? How will I know when I’m ready? Decisions made during this period suddenly take on more weight, as questions of love, career, friendship, fertility, and family clash together while peers begin the process of coupling and breeding. But this very important process is rarely written or talked about beyond the clichés of the “ticking clock.� Enter Frizzell, our comforting guide, who uses personal stories from her own experiences in the panic years to illuminate the larger social and cultural trends, and gives voice to the uncertainty, confusion, and urgency that tends to characterize this time of life.
Frizzell reminds us that we are not alone in this, and encourages us to share our experiences together and those of the women around us―as she does with honesty and vulnerability in these pages. Raw and hilarious, The Panic Years is an arm around the shoulder for every woman trying to navigate life’s big decisions against the backdrop of the mother of all questions. I found a comforting clarity between these pages and am overjoyed that a book such as this has been written as it's seldom seen as a topic to be shared and discussed outside of family life. It's accessible and moving and made me both laugh and cry � the emotional aspects are on-point throughout, and I was appreciative of the straightforward, honest words, the feeling of not being alone in this anxiety and indecision, and if this is a life decision you are in any way considering, it would be to do yourself a disservice not to grab a copy of this. It's a rare gem packaged in such a well-rounded and informative manner that it feels like having an unbiased friend by your side giving advice, providing comfort and lending support when you may not feel comfortable sharing with a friend for the fear of judgement or because they already have their ready-made family. This is the most important book I have read in years and will be for many women. Highly recommended.
We have descriptors for many periods of life―adolescence, menopause, mid-life crisis, quarter-life crisis―but there is a period of profound change that many women face, often in their late twenties to early forties, that does not yet have a name. Nell Frizzell is calling this period of flux “the panic years,� and it is often characterized by a preoccupation with one major question: should I have a baby? And from there―do I want a baby? With whom should I have a baby? How will I know when I’m ready? Decisions made during this period suddenly take on more weight, as questions of love, career, friendship, fertility, and family clash together while peers begin the process of coupling and breeding. But this very important process is rarely written or talked about beyond the clichés of the “ticking clock.� Enter Frizzell, our comforting guide, who uses personal stories from her own experiences in the panic years to illuminate the larger social and cultural trends, and gives voice to the uncertainty, confusion, and urgency that tends to characterize this time of life.
Frizzell reminds us that we are not alone in this, and encourages us to share our experiences together and those of the women around us―as she does with honesty and vulnerability in these pages. Raw and hilarious, The Panic Years is an arm around the shoulder for every woman trying to navigate life’s big decisions against the backdrop of the mother of all questions. I found a comforting clarity between these pages and am overjoyed that a book such as this has been written as it's seldom seen as a topic to be shared and discussed outside of family life. It's accessible and moving and made me both laugh and cry � the emotional aspects are on-point throughout, and I was appreciative of the straightforward, honest words, the feeling of not being alone in this anxiety and indecision, and if this is a life decision you are in any way considering, it would be to do yourself a disservice not to grab a copy of this. It's a rare gem packaged in such a well-rounded and informative manner that it feels like having an unbiased friend by your side giving advice, providing comfort and lending support when you may not feel comfortable sharing with a friend for the fear of judgement or because they already have their ready-made family. This is the most important book I have read in years and will be for many women. Highly recommended.
April 20, 2021
How much you enjoy this will depend on your your views on pregnancy and motherhood, but this was exactly what I needed right now. What especially resonated with me was her comment that even to our close friends, it's rare that we truly ever open up about our thoughts on this topic...and because of that so much of our fear is internalized.
November 13, 2022
I would give this less than 1 star if I could. The author is shallow and self involved but worse is whoever is responsible for the marketing of this book, they are cruel. If this was marketed as a normal memoir, centred around a desire to have children, it would be an inane read - probably not worthy of publishing. Nell Frizzell has led an extremely ordinary life and has perfectly pedestrian aspirations (that's not an insult, though she does deserve some insults). But by marketing this book as self-help adjacent, the marketers have put something into the world that is truly possible of doing harm to women.
After reading this book, I felt utterly despondent. This book triggered a severe episode of depression. Only now, months after reading it, I can see that this book was the trigger and in seeing that I feel angry. I feel sure I am not the only woman who went to this book looking for comfort and advice around a sensitive topic, one that is intrinsically tied to self-worth, and instead was hit over the head with the most mainstream narrative of what defines feminine success and worthiness. I didn't go to the book thinking analytically, thinking that it might be the kind book imbued with the stifling worship of motherhood and youth that is always the anvil hanging over the head of a woman living differently. Because of the marketing I had my defences down, and so the book was capable of causing more harm than a straight memoir would have been. I assumed the author would be a woman sensitive to the pain of unhappily not fitting in to the impossibly narrow image of a worthy feminine woman.
Frizzell is an extremely shallow thinker. She attempts to include feminist analysis in this book, but it is obviously that she has not read feminist literature broadly. The feminism included is truly 101, the kind of stuff I would expect a 15 year old to be fluent in. It is basic to the point that it insults the reader. It pays a lip service to intersectional ideas that is so, so shallow and only serves to emphasise how little Frizzell is capable of empathising with those living differently to her.
If this had been written and marketed as a straightforward memoir about a woman who desperately wanted to be a mother, but pushed that aside because she felt this desire made her less attractive to men, we would have a book that would be fairly dull but would speak to the experiences of many women. At the core of that book, we would have a real feminist issue - women do put their desires aside in the pursuit of heterosexual love, and why is that normal? Do the men in these relationships know or care that their partners are doing it? That book would not have hurt me or triggered an episode of depression.
Instead, we have a book that left me in tears. The author and marketers start this book claiming that they will speak to heterosexual women who are in their 20s and 30s, surrounded by peers who are starting families, and who are not happily partnered or on a path to motherhood. I expected the book to offer some comfort to myself, and others, in this very common situation by pointing out that a life can be well lived without following a conventional part. I thought I might leave the book with some new ways of thinking about choosing to not go down the "boyfriend, marriage, baby, fade into obscurity path" that seems to be the only life our culture is capable of imagining for women. I thought I might also leave the book with some tools to feel worthy in a culture that sends a very clear message that after a certain age a women who is not a mother is nothing at all, and perhaps a reminder that comparison (to those who have chosen the conventional path) is the thief of joy.
However, Frizzell worships motherhood in the same way most in our culture do. Her struggle to become a mother is very, very brief. She has a baby in her arms by age 33. That is the crux of what I think is so harmful about this book - it is marketed in such a way that it will surely draw in women who truly are heading towards the end of their fertility window (late 30s, early 40s) and I am sure these women will be absolutely crushed by this book.
Once Frizzell achieves her goal of pregnancy and has a baby, the rest of the book is spent bemoaning the sleepless nights (I have heard that babies keep you up at night, believe it or not) and recounting the difficulties of parenthood. Sure, motherhood is difficult, but that is not what women in the "panic years" went to this book for. We know, we've heard it before. We wouldn't have picked up a parenting memoir, precisely because that is the kind of book with the potential to be triggering and hurtful if you long for children but can not make motherhood happen for yourself!!!
The lip service Frizzell pays to the difficulty of women who do not have children, after an age when they are expected to, is just plain mean. I got the feeling this was written when Frizzell was still finding motherhood so difficult and tiring that she truly wasn't capable of empathy towards others.
Please do not read this book if you are truly struggling with the issues this book claims to cover. And if you, like me, are here because you went looking for others who finished this book with a pit in their stomach - I'm so sorry, I hope you are OK. I am sending you my love, I understand your pain and you are justified in feeling it. You can live a good life, a life full of love, without it looking like Nell Frizzell's. The currency of youth and the cult of motherhood are tools of patriarchy, they have kept heterosexual women caged and encouraged us to settle for woefully unempathetic and unstimulating men. It can be hard to see the worth in living differently when you are surrounded by those choosing the conventional path, like Frizzell, but every life has worth and I believe that our soul's might find peace by living authentically. Besides, we are probably all descendents from long lines of women pushed down the conventional path - perhaps some of them would have found joy in being able to live differently, I would like a book about that!
After reading this book, I felt utterly despondent. This book triggered a severe episode of depression. Only now, months after reading it, I can see that this book was the trigger and in seeing that I feel angry. I feel sure I am not the only woman who went to this book looking for comfort and advice around a sensitive topic, one that is intrinsically tied to self-worth, and instead was hit over the head with the most mainstream narrative of what defines feminine success and worthiness. I didn't go to the book thinking analytically, thinking that it might be the kind book imbued with the stifling worship of motherhood and youth that is always the anvil hanging over the head of a woman living differently. Because of the marketing I had my defences down, and so the book was capable of causing more harm than a straight memoir would have been. I assumed the author would be a woman sensitive to the pain of unhappily not fitting in to the impossibly narrow image of a worthy feminine woman.
Frizzell is an extremely shallow thinker. She attempts to include feminist analysis in this book, but it is obviously that she has not read feminist literature broadly. The feminism included is truly 101, the kind of stuff I would expect a 15 year old to be fluent in. It is basic to the point that it insults the reader. It pays a lip service to intersectional ideas that is so, so shallow and only serves to emphasise how little Frizzell is capable of empathising with those living differently to her.
If this had been written and marketed as a straightforward memoir about a woman who desperately wanted to be a mother, but pushed that aside because she felt this desire made her less attractive to men, we would have a book that would be fairly dull but would speak to the experiences of many women. At the core of that book, we would have a real feminist issue - women do put their desires aside in the pursuit of heterosexual love, and why is that normal? Do the men in these relationships know or care that their partners are doing it? That book would not have hurt me or triggered an episode of depression.
Instead, we have a book that left me in tears. The author and marketers start this book claiming that they will speak to heterosexual women who are in their 20s and 30s, surrounded by peers who are starting families, and who are not happily partnered or on a path to motherhood. I expected the book to offer some comfort to myself, and others, in this very common situation by pointing out that a life can be well lived without following a conventional part. I thought I might leave the book with some new ways of thinking about choosing to not go down the "boyfriend, marriage, baby, fade into obscurity path" that seems to be the only life our culture is capable of imagining for women. I thought I might also leave the book with some tools to feel worthy in a culture that sends a very clear message that after a certain age a women who is not a mother is nothing at all, and perhaps a reminder that comparison (to those who have chosen the conventional path) is the thief of joy.
However, Frizzell worships motherhood in the same way most in our culture do. Her struggle to become a mother is very, very brief. She has a baby in her arms by age 33. That is the crux of what I think is so harmful about this book - it is marketed in such a way that it will surely draw in women who truly are heading towards the end of their fertility window (late 30s, early 40s) and I am sure these women will be absolutely crushed by this book.
Once Frizzell achieves her goal of pregnancy and has a baby, the rest of the book is spent bemoaning the sleepless nights (I have heard that babies keep you up at night, believe it or not) and recounting the difficulties of parenthood. Sure, motherhood is difficult, but that is not what women in the "panic years" went to this book for. We know, we've heard it before. We wouldn't have picked up a parenting memoir, precisely because that is the kind of book with the potential to be triggering and hurtful if you long for children but can not make motherhood happen for yourself!!!
The lip service Frizzell pays to the difficulty of women who do not have children, after an age when they are expected to, is just plain mean. I got the feeling this was written when Frizzell was still finding motherhood so difficult and tiring that she truly wasn't capable of empathy towards others.
Please do not read this book if you are truly struggling with the issues this book claims to cover. And if you, like me, are here because you went looking for others who finished this book with a pit in their stomach - I'm so sorry, I hope you are OK. I am sending you my love, I understand your pain and you are justified in feeling it. You can live a good life, a life full of love, without it looking like Nell Frizzell's. The currency of youth and the cult of motherhood are tools of patriarchy, they have kept heterosexual women caged and encouraged us to settle for woefully unempathetic and unstimulating men. It can be hard to see the worth in living differently when you are surrounded by those choosing the conventional path, like Frizzell, but every life has worth and I believe that our soul's might find peace by living authentically. Besides, we are probably all descendents from long lines of women pushed down the conventional path - perhaps some of them would have found joy in being able to live differently, I would like a book about that!
March 13, 2021
Hate to say it but soooo disappointing. I actually didn’t finish it.... possibly not in the right frame of mind for it.
Less like a memoir more like a really boring lecture where the narrator just gets her own way all the time and not in an inspirational manner. I was expecting it to be funny and it was just really preachy and so painfully repetitive.
To caveat- I have repeated some facts and figures to friends so I guess it was helpful in some way but overall just eurgh. Missed the point.
Less like a memoir more like a really boring lecture where the narrator just gets her own way all the time and not in an inspirational manner. I was expecting it to be funny and it was just really preachy and so painfully repetitive.
To caveat- I have repeated some facts and figures to friends so I guess it was helpful in some way but overall just eurgh. Missed the point.
April 5, 2021
couldn't finish this. Felt like the product of my most anxious Sunday hangover thoughts deciding to write a book. First time not finishing a book in 3 yrs of book club!
March 22, 2021
For some reason when I heard about this book i thought it would provide a nuanced discussion around the decision of whether or not to have children. However, Frizzell seems like she always knew that she wanted to have children, just not whether her life circumstances would line up in order for that to happen e.g. finding a life partner, financial security, fertility etc. I have always been resolute in the feeling that I do not want children and that motherhood isn't for me, although I have grappled with thoughts of whether I may regret this choice or whether i could be swayed, but ultimately my decision hasn't wavered. For this reason I didn't get much our of this book nor do I think I was the intended audience for it.
December 29, 2021
If you're someone who's considering this book because you've ever had doubts about whether you want children, anxious you might not be able to have them, or actually have decided not to, unfortunately I really wouldn't recommend it.
The blurb and marketing (even the title in some respects) missells the premise, IMO. The book is really a memoir about someone who realises, actually, she's desperately wanted a baby all along, and her journey to finally starting a family. The discussions she has with women who haven't had children are almost patronising; ultimately there's only one woman featured who is childless and isn't painted as having missed out or 'grieving' or regretful in some way, but even she hasn't ruled it out.
Also, the repeated reflections on fertility, the amount of time we all have, and her pregnancy and birth for me ramped up the pressure, and just made me feel incredibly anxious. I added a second star as Nell's writing truly is lovely, but overall this isn't at all what I was expecting. In the end, I've left the last 50 pages and won't be finishing it.
The blurb and marketing (even the title in some respects) missells the premise, IMO. The book is really a memoir about someone who realises, actually, she's desperately wanted a baby all along, and her journey to finally starting a family. The discussions she has with women who haven't had children are almost patronising; ultimately there's only one woman featured who is childless and isn't painted as having missed out or 'grieving' or regretful in some way, but even she hasn't ruled it out.
Also, the repeated reflections on fertility, the amount of time we all have, and her pregnancy and birth for me ramped up the pressure, and just made me feel incredibly anxious. I added a second star as Nell's writing truly is lovely, but overall this isn't at all what I was expecting. In the end, I've left the last 50 pages and won't be finishing it.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 11, 2021
The premise of the book is great. The author has really tapped into something that, before now, didn't have a name but is experienced by many women in "the panic years."
However, the writing is really poor, to such an extent that I felt disengaged from something I could seriously relate to. Chapters 1 to 8 could have been condensed into a magazine article. It becomes clear when reading that the author has a style of writing which lends itself to articles, but not books. Sentences are long and convoluted and most of the book just repeats itself
One particular thing that annoyed me was the constant, overused, long lists that were used to describe almost every single point. It was as though this was the only writing device the author knew about, and it got to a point where, once I saw another list, (which did nothing but dilute the text) was coming, I would just skip past it. I'm not sure why this wasn't picked up by the editors? Maybe it's just me.
From chapter 8 onwards, the book really picks up and is enjoyable, but in the final chapter we go back again with a lot of repatition and those dreaded lists.
I want to recommend this book to my friends as I think they'll relate to a lot of what is being said, but I feel that I'd have to caveat that recommendation by making it clear the reading this is a slog.
However, the writing is really poor, to such an extent that I felt disengaged from something I could seriously relate to. Chapters 1 to 8 could have been condensed into a magazine article. It becomes clear when reading that the author has a style of writing which lends itself to articles, but not books. Sentences are long and convoluted and most of the book just repeats itself
One particular thing that annoyed me was the constant, overused, long lists that were used to describe almost every single point. It was as though this was the only writing device the author knew about, and it got to a point where, once I saw another list, (which did nothing but dilute the text) was coming, I would just skip past it. I'm not sure why this wasn't picked up by the editors? Maybe it's just me.
From chapter 8 onwards, the book really picks up and is enjoyable, but in the final chapter we go back again with a lot of repatition and those dreaded lists.
I want to recommend this book to my friends as I think they'll relate to a lot of what is being said, but I feel that I'd have to caveat that recommendation by making it clear the reading this is a slog.
February 24, 2021
As a 31 year old women in the midst of ‘The Flux� I had been excited for this book to come out for a few months. The decision of if and when to have a baby weighs heavy on my mind everyday and I never feel I settle on an answer. For me, the overwhelming fear of birth is something I circle back to each time. I found parts of this book funny and relatable, but it left me feeling more anxious and lost than before. As the author always knew she wanted a baby the decision making element that I expected from this book was lacking. The overall voice of the book felt negative and heavy. The detailed description of birth just added another story to the already large bank of birth stories I have read or been told. At this point I wish I could delete them all from my brain and start afresh. My mind feels muddied by knowing ‘too much� about the raw ‘unfiltered� reality of birth. Perhaps, in fact, ignorance is bliss.
July 26, 2021
Some good bits but found this very hard to finish. Felt repetitive and dragged out
Read
December 20, 2021had to give up bc I found this so dull. tldr: she wants a baby.
June 27, 2021
This was not what I expected. I thought it was going to be an objective look at the pressures and choices faced by women in their (potentially) childbearing years as they have to make big decisions that men do not regarding having children, and maybe also looking at the career impacts of that. And occasionally it was (and the times when it did do those things, it was a good book!), but mostly it was a *very* autobiographical look into the author's life, specifically her intense desire to have a baby and her tiresome process of sleeping with awful people and then being sad about not having a baby. She also threw herself a 30th birthday party that seriously sounded like the most narcissistic thing in the world.
And there was a really long (like I don't know, 30 pages? Maybe not quite that long but it felt eternal) description of her childbirth experience, which it's great that she's happy with how it went but the truth is that no one, particularly strangers, wants to hear your lengthy birth epic. It also felt a bit alienating to me as a non-mom when near the end, after she had her kid, she kind of went into child-evangelizing mode.
And there was a really long (like I don't know, 30 pages? Maybe not quite that long but it felt eternal) description of her childbirth experience, which it's great that she's happy with how it went but the truth is that no one, particularly strangers, wants to hear your lengthy birth epic. It also felt a bit alienating to me as a non-mom when near the end, after she had her kid, she kind of went into child-evangelizing mode.
March 12, 2022
I was so excited to read this and I’m gutted to be giving a middling review. I would only recommend this book to someone who wants to have a baby or is interested in reading someone’s first hand account of pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding and their newborn baby. There were some pearls of wisdom about ‘the panic years� in the first half of the book, and important social/political points were discussed about motherhood and the female burden of contraception. But ultimately I feel I was misled by the title and the blurb, and I’m definitely none the wiser about how to navigate my panic years.
September 16, 2020
3.5 rounded down
In a book which is somewhat in the vein of Rachel Cusk's in parts, Nell Frizzell shares her experience of deciding she wanted kids and becoming a mother during a period she dubs "the panic years"; a period during a woman's late 20s to late 30s when many women begin to think about (and make) big life decisions which will impact on the rest of their life such as on life partners, buying a house and having kids. (I should add that there is a focus in the book on the implication these decisions can have on a woman's career at this stage of her life, which is important and a real concern for many in the same boat that Frizzell finds herself in.)
The main focus of her "panic years" surrounds the decision of whether or not to become a mother. I think the reader's enjoyment of the book overall will hinge on how much you care about or are interested in being witness to a stranger sharing her thought process/deliberation on this topic. I found it thought provoking and of interest for the most part, but thought this process was prolonged in places. I guess it's interesting to understand the considerations that go through someone's mind in deciding whether to embark on motherhood, but Frizzell presents a balanced "argument" (if you can call it that) for the most part.
I've toed and froed about whether to round my rating up and down, and while I enjoyed later parts of the book - particularly once she got pregnant and her partner decided he, too, wanted a child - some earlier parts dragged, hence my final rounding down. Frizzell's honesty and no-holds-barred recounting of her experience of childbirth is refreshing and admirable in an age of picture-perfect posed photos of new mothers all over Instagram and the media which can make women struggling with motherhood (post-partum depression, for instance) feel alienated and alone in their predicament.
Thank you Netgalley and Random House UK / Transworld Publishers for the advance copy, which was provided in exchange for an honest review.
In a book which is somewhat in the vein of Rachel Cusk's in parts, Nell Frizzell shares her experience of deciding she wanted kids and becoming a mother during a period she dubs "the panic years"; a period during a woman's late 20s to late 30s when many women begin to think about (and make) big life decisions which will impact on the rest of their life such as on life partners, buying a house and having kids. (I should add that there is a focus in the book on the implication these decisions can have on a woman's career at this stage of her life, which is important and a real concern for many in the same boat that Frizzell finds herself in.)
The main focus of her "panic years" surrounds the decision of whether or not to become a mother. I think the reader's enjoyment of the book overall will hinge on how much you care about or are interested in being witness to a stranger sharing her thought process/deliberation on this topic. I found it thought provoking and of interest for the most part, but thought this process was prolonged in places. I guess it's interesting to understand the considerations that go through someone's mind in deciding whether to embark on motherhood, but Frizzell presents a balanced "argument" (if you can call it that) for the most part.
I've toed and froed about whether to round my rating up and down, and while I enjoyed later parts of the book - particularly once she got pregnant and her partner decided he, too, wanted a child - some earlier parts dragged, hence my final rounding down. Frizzell's honesty and no-holds-barred recounting of her experience of childbirth is refreshing and admirable in an age of picture-perfect posed photos of new mothers all over Instagram and the media which can make women struggling with motherhood (post-partum depression, for instance) feel alienated and alone in their predicament.
Thank you Netgalley and Random House UK / Transworld Publishers for the advance copy, which was provided in exchange for an honest review.
July 2, 2020
I am 36 years old. Well, I will be 37 this year and so this book,The Panic Yearsby Nell Frizzell should, in theory, speak to me.
Nell Frizzell is looking at things that society deems important to a 30+ year old. Things like marriage, children, and early menopause. And whilst I have thought about those things they aren’t necessarily a massive concern. I can see the reasons why Frizzell wrote about them and I admire her candid approach � at times she comes across as a little cuckoo and obsessed with time running away from her � but I think for me personally I didn’t mirror her concerns. I thinkThe Panic Yearswould be a perfect book for someone looking for reassurance � in particular about becoming a mum � but it didn’t resonate with me because I don’t necessarily want the same things as her.
The Panic Yearsis well written and I think more books like this are needed. Women need to have their voices heard on subjects that are generally kept quiet and hidden and it needs bold voices like Nell Frizzell and so I admire her greatly for her writing and her honesty.
The Panic Yearsby Nell Frizzell is available now.
Nell Frizzell is looking at things that society deems important to a 30+ year old. Things like marriage, children, and early menopause. And whilst I have thought about those things they aren’t necessarily a massive concern. I can see the reasons why Frizzell wrote about them and I admire her candid approach � at times she comes across as a little cuckoo and obsessed with time running away from her � but I think for me personally I didn’t mirror her concerns. I thinkThe Panic Yearswould be a perfect book for someone looking for reassurance � in particular about becoming a mum � but it didn’t resonate with me because I don’t necessarily want the same things as her.
The Panic Yearsis well written and I think more books like this are needed. Women need to have their voices heard on subjects that are generally kept quiet and hidden and it needs bold voices like Nell Frizzell and so I admire her greatly for her writing and her honesty.
The Panic Yearsby Nell Frizzell is available now.
September 22, 2022
Read this after seeing a friend post about it. It was a total let down for me. I was expecting a measured take on the late twenties/early thirties time period, when many women rush to find husbands and have kids. Instead, this book contained the rambling musings of a baby crazed woman.
Though she presented some stats that there is a sizable population of women who choose not to have children, every person she interviewed who initially said they didn’t want them had a change of heart, or expressed profound regret at not having them. As a journalist, I’m unimpressed that she couldn’t find one woman in all of the UK who didn’t share her obsession with having a family.
Additionally, the writing style was incredibly irritating. For some reason, the author prefers to write long lists and pass them off as sentences.
I’d recommend this book to women who are leaning towards having children as she did cover the realities women face, from a personal, medical, and professional standpoint. To those (like me) who don’t see having a child as the end all be all of being a woman, this isn’t for you.
Though she presented some stats that there is a sizable population of women who choose not to have children, every person she interviewed who initially said they didn’t want them had a change of heart, or expressed profound regret at not having them. As a journalist, I’m unimpressed that she couldn’t find one woman in all of the UK who didn’t share her obsession with having a family.
Additionally, the writing style was incredibly irritating. For some reason, the author prefers to write long lists and pass them off as sentences.
I’d recommend this book to women who are leaning towards having children as she did cover the realities women face, from a personal, medical, and professional standpoint. To those (like me) who don’t see having a child as the end all be all of being a woman, this isn’t for you.
October 30, 2022
I was pitched this book as a must read for women in their late 20’s-early 30’s. I feel very much in my panic years, but for VERY different reasons than the author. She talks about a life that I cannot even imagine. The author seems to struggle if she wants a child or not, but makes it very obvious that she wants a child. This entire book is about becoming pregnant or wanting to become pregnant. I have zero interest in becoming pregnant. This book needs a different title.
October 7, 2022
Titel klang vielversprechend und ich konnte mit ein paar Seiten auch meine eigene Position erkennen bzw. wiederfinden (zb wie man in der Küche steht wenn mal wieder jemand erzählt es gibt Nachwuchs während man selbst den Crement zum nachfüllen sucht und sich iwie fühlt, als würde man es verpassen jetzt mal erwachsen zu werden).
Außerdem ist der Schreibstil wirklich witzig und ehrlich. Daher mal 2 Sterne�. Aber:
Ein grosses Problem ist aber einfach, dass die Autorin zum Einen einen absurd großen Kinderwunsch hat und sich und ihren Wert komplett darüber bestimmt „Mutter zu werden und zu sein� und sich zum anderen eigentlich selbst nicht mehr in den sog. „Panikjahren� befindet, sondern “rechtzeitig� Mutter geworden ist und deshalb iwie von „oben herab� Oberlehrerinnenhaft zur Leser:innenschaft herunter spricht. Highlight auch, dass sie ihrem Partner das Kind irgendwie „aufzwingt� und den Lesenden suggestiv vorschlägt, sich besser zu trennen, wenn der Partner mit Ende 20 vllt keine Kinder will, weil DIE UHR TICKT (Bei meiner fehlen offenbar die Batterien)�
Statt irgendwie empowerend zu sein habe ich mich die ganze Zeit schlecht gefühlt, insgesamt denkt man die ganze Zeit während des Lesens es wäre irgendwas mit einem selbst „falsch� und Nell brüllt einem währenddessen von den Seiten ins Gesicht: „hallo DeInE EiErStÖckE gEbEn bAlD dEn gEist auF alsO ohNe KiNd uNd ParTner biSt dU quAsi Die HeXe aUs HänSel uNd GreTel“� ich hab mehrfach gecheckt ob das Buch wirklich in den 2020ern geschrieben und verlegt wurde (jap). Hätt ich mir von den knapp 20� mal lieber Crement gekauft.
Außerdem ist der Schreibstil wirklich witzig und ehrlich. Daher mal 2 Sterne�. Aber:
Ein grosses Problem ist aber einfach, dass die Autorin zum Einen einen absurd großen Kinderwunsch hat und sich und ihren Wert komplett darüber bestimmt „Mutter zu werden und zu sein� und sich zum anderen eigentlich selbst nicht mehr in den sog. „Panikjahren� befindet, sondern “rechtzeitig� Mutter geworden ist und deshalb iwie von „oben herab� Oberlehrerinnenhaft zur Leser:innenschaft herunter spricht. Highlight auch, dass sie ihrem Partner das Kind irgendwie „aufzwingt� und den Lesenden suggestiv vorschlägt, sich besser zu trennen, wenn der Partner mit Ende 20 vllt keine Kinder will, weil DIE UHR TICKT (Bei meiner fehlen offenbar die Batterien)�
Statt irgendwie empowerend zu sein habe ich mich die ganze Zeit schlecht gefühlt, insgesamt denkt man die ganze Zeit während des Lesens es wäre irgendwas mit einem selbst „falsch� und Nell brüllt einem währenddessen von den Seiten ins Gesicht: „hallo DeInE EiErStÖckE gEbEn bAlD dEn gEist auF alsO ohNe KiNd uNd ParTner biSt dU quAsi Die HeXe aUs HänSel uNd GreTel“� ich hab mehrfach gecheckt ob das Buch wirklich in den 2020ern geschrieben und verlegt wurde (jap). Hätt ich mir von den knapp 20� mal lieber Crement gekauft.
May 8, 2021
DNF - was more of a memoir, not really about someone struggling to decide whether they want children or not.
August 9, 2022
Wow wow wow I read this book at probably a perfect time. As someone who constantly feels like I’m “behind� my friends and other people my age, it was refreshing to hear from someone who felt the same way around my age. While this book wasn’t a “how to� or “self help� book, it was a nice read in the sense I could hear about someone in a similar situation and someone who has similar thought processes as I do. If you’re single, in your late twenties, and feel like your biological clock is ticking - this book is for you. If not, you probs won’t care for this book. It might give you some insight on how some of your friends/family might feel though.
Knocked off a star because I didn’t really like how it seemed like she majorly begged and manipulated her boyfriend to have a baby with her?? Surely that wasn’t the case, but like�. Hmmm�. Idk that rubbed me the wrong way.
Knocked off a star because I didn’t really like how it seemed like she majorly begged and manipulated her boyfriend to have a baby with her?? Surely that wasn’t the case, but like�. Hmmm�. Idk that rubbed me the wrong way.
February 10, 2022
Wow.
Being a Twenty-Nine year old woman, going through the motion of so many of the feelings this book well and truly spoke to me. It feels open, raw and honest about so many different emotions you may face when you grow older and what certain expectations are and what you may/may not want going forward with your life.
This really does bring up so many valid topics that people face on a day to day basis in terms of having a baby and everything revolving around that; miscarriage, how hard it may be to conceive, not wanting children, people asking you about "when are you going to have a baby" and just so many other topics.
Not only this but it speaks about contraception, how women are to do this and that some forms of contraception can take a toll on your mental health.
I can't really speak on the baby part and having a baby, however once again I felt like it was relatable on topics that aren't necessarily discussed in regards to that love you have and how it may not be instant but can grow and also along with this post natal depression and that if you do have a partner that you can rely on them and don't have to do everything alone.
I found this to be so insightful, uplifting and it also made me feel hopeful because of how relatable it felt to me. If someone is going into that panic stage of their life about wanting children or expectations I really recommend this one!
Being a Twenty-Nine year old woman, going through the motion of so many of the feelings this book well and truly spoke to me. It feels open, raw and honest about so many different emotions you may face when you grow older and what certain expectations are and what you may/may not want going forward with your life.
This really does bring up so many valid topics that people face on a day to day basis in terms of having a baby and everything revolving around that; miscarriage, how hard it may be to conceive, not wanting children, people asking you about "when are you going to have a baby" and just so many other topics.
Not only this but it speaks about contraception, how women are to do this and that some forms of contraception can take a toll on your mental health.
I can't really speak on the baby part and having a baby, however once again I felt like it was relatable on topics that aren't necessarily discussed in regards to that love you have and how it may not be instant but can grow and also along with this post natal depression and that if you do have a partner that you can rely on them and don't have to do everything alone.
I found this to be so insightful, uplifting and it also made me feel hopeful because of how relatable it felt to me. If someone is going into that panic stage of their life about wanting children or expectations I really recommend this one!
September 14, 2022
I LOVED this, but I also knew exactly what it was and what it wasn’t before I started. This is not a self-help, I wouldn’t even say it’s a memoir. This is the ramblings of someone in the panic years, and as someone who continues to ramble on about said panic years, I thoroughly enjoyed it.
July 21, 2024
I had completely different expectations. the book deals with the author's panic years, not with what panic years can look for women in general.
So my advice if you want to read the book:
If you want to get pregnant read that book, if you don‘t want to get pregnant don‘t read the book.
So my advice if you want to read the book:
If you want to get pregnant read that book, if you don‘t want to get pregnant don‘t read the book.
January 4, 2025
3.5 (one day GoodReads will have half stars).. I had anticipated this book to be more of a self-help book and less of a memoir. Which is entirely my bad for not looking into it before starting. Her honesty and unfiltered experience made this really enjoyable though. Also calmed a bit of my sense of urgency re: figuring out the kid thing, but the statistics also freaked me out at the same time so we’re at neutral I guess?? loll
February 3, 2025
A nice well-written memoir, with a similar feel to Everything I Know About Love but more focused on the panic of wanting/not wanting to have a baby so maybe better for a slightly older demographic or anyone with those specific concerns. I appreciated Frizzell’s honest depiction of everything she was feeling and it was quite reassuring to read about her experience of a breakup of a long relationship in her late 20s to still being able to have a baby with a partner in her early 30s.
February 20, 2023
I thought this was directed at the panic years of your early and late twenties and more of a self help book so I was quite disappointed. My view on pregnancy is still very childish and negative so I found it hard to connect to a lot of the book and felt it dragged on and on. She is a talented writer though
January 26, 2024
i’m just not that interested in kids
May 19, 2024
Vital reading for women, and a conversation I think we all need to have with a lot more candour. Informative, funny, and honest. Really enjoyed this!
March 18, 2020
A very important book for women in their mid-twenties and thirties
"Unlike childhood, adolescence, menopause or the mid-life crisis, we have no common term for the tumult of time, hormones, social pressure and maternal hunger that smacks into many women like a train at the end of their twenties and early thirties. (...) These years are compelled by the eternal question: should I have a baby, and, if so, when, how, why and with whom?"
Nell Frizzell is a thirty-something journalist going through what most women at one point in their life go through: trying to figure out whether she wants to have children (and if yes, with whom?). She describes these years starting in the late twenties, where women just settle into a career, when they have to make a hard decision that few men actually realize. Do they want kids? A career? Both? And how on earth do you do both? She also touches on a number of other things, like seeing your friends start having kids, or getting pregnant quickly while your friend has been trying for years, and so on. On that note, she questions, "How can we stop seeing other women's lives as a comment upon our own? How can we learn not to compare ourselves to others around us? How do we take the sense of competition out of the sisterhood?" She also makes it a point of bringing equality and politics into this (as it should be), and questions the ecological impact of having kids. Lastly, she describes being pregnant and all the fears it comes with, as well as giving birth and settling into life as a new mom.
Nell Frizzell brings up many valid points. I enjoyed reading this book, although it was not always an easy read. Frizzell lead me to rethink my choices, she validated some of them, she made me laugh. This is a very important book for professional women of about 25 and over, which i would recommend to all of my friends.
"Unlike childhood, adolescence, menopause or the mid-life crisis, we have no common term for the tumult of time, hormones, social pressure and maternal hunger that smacks into many women like a train at the end of their twenties and early thirties. (...) These years are compelled by the eternal question: should I have a baby, and, if so, when, how, why and with whom?"
Nell Frizzell is a thirty-something journalist going through what most women at one point in their life go through: trying to figure out whether she wants to have children (and if yes, with whom?). She describes these years starting in the late twenties, where women just settle into a career, when they have to make a hard decision that few men actually realize. Do they want kids? A career? Both? And how on earth do you do both? She also touches on a number of other things, like seeing your friends start having kids, or getting pregnant quickly while your friend has been trying for years, and so on. On that note, she questions, "How can we stop seeing other women's lives as a comment upon our own? How can we learn not to compare ourselves to others around us? How do we take the sense of competition out of the sisterhood?" She also makes it a point of bringing equality and politics into this (as it should be), and questions the ecological impact of having kids. Lastly, she describes being pregnant and all the fears it comes with, as well as giving birth and settling into life as a new mom.
Nell Frizzell brings up many valid points. I enjoyed reading this book, although it was not always an easy read. Frizzell lead me to rethink my choices, she validated some of them, she made me laugh. This is a very important book for professional women of about 25 and over, which i would recommend to all of my friends.
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