What do you think?
Rate this book
袥褞斜芯胁 斜械蟹 褍屑芯胁. 袙褨写 薪邪谐芯褉芯写 褨 锌芯泻邪褉邪薪褜 写芯 褌褍褉斜芯褌懈 泄 锌芯褉芯蟹褍屑褨薪薪褟
笑械 胁懈写邪薪薪褟 锌芯褔懈薪邪褦褌褜褋褟 褨蟹 蟹邪锌懈褌邪薪薪褟 芦效芯谐芯 锌芯褌褉械斜褍褦 屑芯褟 写懈褌懈薪邪 褨 褟泻 褟 屑芯卸褍 蟹邪写芯胁芯谢褜薪懈褌懈 褑褨 蟹邪锌懈褌懈?禄.
袗谢褎褨 袣芯薪 褋褌胁械褉写卸褍褦, 褖芯 斜邪蟹芯胁邪 锌芯褌褉械斜邪 胁褋褨褏 写褨褌械泄 鈥� 斜械蟹褍屑芯胁薪邪 斜邪褌褜泻褨胁褋褜泻邪 谢褞斜芯胁 褨 锌褉懈泄薪褟褌褌褟. 袟胁懈褔薪褨 屑械褌芯写懈 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟, 褟泻-芯褌 薪邪谐芯褉芯写邪, 锌芯褏胁邪谢邪, 锌芯泻邪褉邪薪薪褟 褌邪 褨薪褕褨 褎芯褉屑懈 泻芯薪褌褉芯谢褞, 锌褉懈胁褔邪褞褌褜 写褨褌械泄, 褖芯 褩褏 谢褞斜谢褟褌褜 谢懈褕械 胁 褌芯屑褍 褉邪蟹褨, 褟泻褖芯 胁芯薪懈 胁懈泻芯薪褍褞褌褜 褍泻邪蟹褨胁泻懈 斜邪褌褜泻褨胁.
袗胁褌芯褉 褉邪写懈褌褜 泻褉懈褌懈褔薪芯 锌芯褋褌邪胁懈褌懈褋褟 写芯 褌褉邪写懈褑褨泄薪芯褩 褋懈褋褌械屑懈 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟 泄 写邪褦 薪邪褌芯屑褨褋褌褜 斜械蟹谢褨褔 锌褉邪泻褌懈褔薪懈褏 锌芯褉邪写, 蟹芯泻褉械屑邪 蟹邪屑褨薪懈褌懈 锌芯褏胁邪谢褍 斜械蟹褍屑芯胁薪芯褞 锌褨写褌褉懈屑泻芯褞.
孝邪泻芯卸 胁褨薪 薪邪胁芯写懈褌褜 褔懈褋谢械薪薪褨 锌褉懈泻谢邪写懈, 褟泻 胁懈褏芯胁邪褌懈 胁锌械胁薪械薪褍, 褋邪屑芯褋褌褨泄薪褍 褨 蟹写芯褉芯胁褍 写懈褌懈薪褍 泄 薪邪斜谢懈蟹懈褌懈褋褟 写芯 胁褌褨谢械薪薪褟 胁谢邪褋薪芯褩 屑褉褨褩 锌褉芯 褨写械邪谢褜薪械 斜邪褌褜泻褨胁褋褌胁芯. 袟写邪胁邪谢芯褋褟 斜, 写谢褟 褑褜芯谐芯 锌芯褌褉褨斜薪芯 褌邪泻 屑邪谢芯 鈥� 锌褉芯褋褌芯 谢褞斜懈褌懈 泄 锌褉懈泄屑邪褌懈.
孝邪 褔懈 胁屑褨褦屑芯 屑懈 锌褉邪胁懈谢褜薪芯 胁懈褉邪卸邪褌懈 褋胁芯褞 谢褞斜芯胁?
袗谢褎褨 袣芯薪 褋褌胁械褉写卸褍褦, 褖芯 斜邪蟹芯胁邪 锌芯褌褉械斜邪 胁褋褨褏 写褨褌械泄 鈥� 斜械蟹褍屑芯胁薪邪 斜邪褌褜泻褨胁褋褜泻邪 谢褞斜芯胁 褨 锌褉懈泄薪褟褌褌褟. 袟胁懈褔薪褨 屑械褌芯写懈 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟, 褟泻-芯褌 薪邪谐芯褉芯写邪, 锌芯褏胁邪谢邪, 锌芯泻邪褉邪薪薪褟 褌邪 褨薪褕褨 褎芯褉屑懈 泻芯薪褌褉芯谢褞, 锌褉懈胁褔邪褞褌褜 写褨褌械泄, 褖芯 褩褏 谢褞斜谢褟褌褜 谢懈褕械 胁 褌芯屑褍 褉邪蟹褨, 褟泻褖芯 胁芯薪懈 胁懈泻芯薪褍褞褌褜 褍泻邪蟹褨胁泻懈 斜邪褌褜泻褨胁.
袗胁褌芯褉 褉邪写懈褌褜 泻褉懈褌懈褔薪芯 锌芯褋褌邪胁懈褌懈褋褟 写芯 褌褉邪写懈褑褨泄薪芯褩 褋懈褋褌械屑懈 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟 泄 写邪褦 薪邪褌芯屑褨褋褌褜 斜械蟹谢褨褔 锌褉邪泻褌懈褔薪懈褏 锌芯褉邪写, 蟹芯泻褉械屑邪 蟹邪屑褨薪懈褌懈 锌芯褏胁邪谢褍 斜械蟹褍屑芯胁薪芯褞 锌褨写褌褉懈屑泻芯褞.
孝邪泻芯卸 胁褨薪 薪邪胁芯写懈褌褜 褔懈褋谢械薪薪褨 锌褉懈泻谢邪写懈, 褟泻 胁懈褏芯胁邪褌懈 胁锌械胁薪械薪褍, 褋邪屑芯褋褌褨泄薪褍 褨 蟹写芯褉芯胁褍 写懈褌懈薪褍 泄 薪邪斜谢懈蟹懈褌懈褋褟 写芯 胁褌褨谢械薪薪褟 胁谢邪褋薪芯褩 屑褉褨褩 锌褉芯 褨写械邪谢褜薪械 斜邪褌褜泻褨胁褋褌胁芯. 袟写邪胁邪谢芯褋褟 斜, 写谢褟 褑褜芯谐芯 锌芯褌褉褨斜薪芯 褌邪泻 屑邪谢芯 鈥� 锌褉芯褋褌芯 谢褞斜懈褌懈 泄 锌褉懈泄屑邪褌懈.
孝邪 褔懈 胁屑褨褦屑芯 屑懈 锌褉邪胁懈谢褜薪芯 胁懈褉邪卸邪褌懈 褋胁芯褞 谢褞斜芯胁?
320 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2005
1491 people are currently reading
20193 people want to read
About the author
Alfie Kohn
46听books533听followers Alfie Kohn writes and speaks widely on human behavior, education, and parenting. The author of fourteen books and scores of articles, he lectures at education conferences and universities as well as to parent groups and corporations.
Kohn's criticisms of competition and rewards have been widely discussed and debated, and he has been described in Time magazine as "perhaps the country's most outspoken critic of education's fixation on grades [and] test scores."
Kohn lives (actually) in the Boston area with his wife and two children, and (virtually) at .
Kohn's criticisms of competition and rewards have been widely discussed and debated, and he has been described in Time magazine as "perhaps the country's most outspoken critic of education's fixation on grades [and] test scores."
Kohn lives (actually) in the Boston area with his wife and two children, and (virtually) at .
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,040 reviews
June 13, 2021
Gamechanging. Need to re-read / listen every few months once I (hopefully) become a parent. Super interesting even for non-parents. Note to self - need to re-read on Kindle for highlights + summary.
January 22, 2009
I didn't want to like this book.
What is it about 鈥済entle鈥� parenting types that makes them so obnoxious? Why does the phrase 鈥渦nconditional parenting鈥� make me want to hurl? Why do 鈥渓activists鈥� make me want to offer their children Dr. Pepper in a baby bottle?
But really I love baby slings! And nursing! Why do I want to run screaming when I meet up with some ardent proponents of things I more or less agree with??
I think it鈥檚 the strident 鈥渕ommier-than-thou鈥� tone of a lot of attachment/gentle/natural parenting literature out there. For some reason, a discussion of their views always seems to be preceded with a strident denouncement of what everyone else is doing so very wrong.
And this book is no exception. While I鈥檓 still finishing up (skimming mostly), I can see that the majority of this book seems to be pointing out flaws with other philosophies of parenting. Alfie Kohn knows what everyone else is doing to warp their kids. Other parenting experts, pediatricians, teachers, and a variety of other parents Alfie has observed are just doing it wrong wrong wrong.
His primary target is the punishment/reward continuum so much of contemporary parenting advice is based on. Alfie feels that this destroys trust, short-circuits reasoning and moral development, and forces children to rely on extrinsic motivations to treat others well, rather than intrinsic ones. He is especially harsh on using timeouts as a discipline technique 鈥� referring to them as 鈥渓ove withdrawals.鈥� Oh my goodness.
His argument is made too stridently for me, his method of citing scientific studies is shoddy, and I hate the way he picks on parents that have had the misfortune to encounter him on one of their worse days with their children.
That all being said, I think I agree with him. The punishment-reward 鈥渂ehavior modification鈥� methods popularized by SuperNanny and such always seemed kind of icky to me. While I鈥檓 not sure I share his conclusions that they are tremendously damaging (鈥渓ove withdrawals?!?鈥�), I am pretty sure that they don鈥檛 work. At least not in my house.
I appreciate being let off the hook for not following through on naughty mats, timeouts, sticker charts, or any of that stuff. It was a pain to do and just did not work for us.
While I wish Alfie spent a little more time on what 鈥揹oes- work, I agree with his assertion simple carrot-stick methods are not what is needed for the most effective parenting.
What is it about 鈥済entle鈥� parenting types that makes them so obnoxious? Why does the phrase 鈥渦nconditional parenting鈥� make me want to hurl? Why do 鈥渓activists鈥� make me want to offer their children Dr. Pepper in a baby bottle?
But really I love baby slings! And nursing! Why do I want to run screaming when I meet up with some ardent proponents of things I more or less agree with??
I think it鈥檚 the strident 鈥渕ommier-than-thou鈥� tone of a lot of attachment/gentle/natural parenting literature out there. For some reason, a discussion of their views always seems to be preceded with a strident denouncement of what everyone else is doing so very wrong.
And this book is no exception. While I鈥檓 still finishing up (skimming mostly), I can see that the majority of this book seems to be pointing out flaws with other philosophies of parenting. Alfie Kohn knows what everyone else is doing to warp their kids. Other parenting experts, pediatricians, teachers, and a variety of other parents Alfie has observed are just doing it wrong wrong wrong.
His primary target is the punishment/reward continuum so much of contemporary parenting advice is based on. Alfie feels that this destroys trust, short-circuits reasoning and moral development, and forces children to rely on extrinsic motivations to treat others well, rather than intrinsic ones. He is especially harsh on using timeouts as a discipline technique 鈥� referring to them as 鈥渓ove withdrawals.鈥� Oh my goodness.
His argument is made too stridently for me, his method of citing scientific studies is shoddy, and I hate the way he picks on parents that have had the misfortune to encounter him on one of their worse days with their children.
That all being said, I think I agree with him. The punishment-reward 鈥渂ehavior modification鈥� methods popularized by SuperNanny and such always seemed kind of icky to me. While I鈥檓 not sure I share his conclusions that they are tremendously damaging (鈥渓ove withdrawals?!?鈥�), I am pretty sure that they don鈥檛 work. At least not in my house.
I appreciate being let off the hook for not following through on naughty mats, timeouts, sticker charts, or any of that stuff. It was a pain to do and just did not work for us.
While I wish Alfie spent a little more time on what 鈥揹oes- work, I agree with his assertion simple carrot-stick methods are not what is needed for the most effective parenting.
June 30, 2007
This book changed my life! It completely restructured my parenting paradigm, and I am now feel passionate about this message.
Our culture has borne a generation of "praise junkies" - children whose behavior is motivated not by intrinsic goals, but by rewards or the avoidance of punishment. True, Classical Conditioning is a proven method for behavior modification...but do we really want to treat our children like Pavlov's dogs?
In this book, Kohn discusses the perils of praise, and uses both common sense and scientific research to back up his theory. His arguments speak to the heart of all parents, and explain that respecting your children as human beings goes a long way in cultivating the harmonious, joyful, and trusting relationship that we all seek to have with our children. Using praise and punishment, on the other hand, leaves children feeling manipulated and fearful.
"Yes, but, I want my child to have self-confidence!" Of course all parents want to help their children become happy, well-adjusted adults, and many parents may wonder: Without praise, what do we do with our children? Kohn explains that simple acknowledgment is what really fuels a child's sense of self-worth, and that merely giving a child your undivided attention is worth more than 1000 "good jobs."
If you are a parent, this may be the most important book you read. Don't be afraid to open your mind to something revolutionary!!
Our culture has borne a generation of "praise junkies" - children whose behavior is motivated not by intrinsic goals, but by rewards or the avoidance of punishment. True, Classical Conditioning is a proven method for behavior modification...but do we really want to treat our children like Pavlov's dogs?
In this book, Kohn discusses the perils of praise, and uses both common sense and scientific research to back up his theory. His arguments speak to the heart of all parents, and explain that respecting your children as human beings goes a long way in cultivating the harmonious, joyful, and trusting relationship that we all seek to have with our children. Using praise and punishment, on the other hand, leaves children feeling manipulated and fearful.
"Yes, but, I want my child to have self-confidence!" Of course all parents want to help their children become happy, well-adjusted adults, and many parents may wonder: Without praise, what do we do with our children? Kohn explains that simple acknowledgment is what really fuels a child's sense of self-worth, and that merely giving a child your undivided attention is worth more than 1000 "good jobs."
If you are a parent, this may be the most important book you read. Don't be afraid to open your mind to something revolutionary!!
July 3, 2008
The concept of unconditional parenting appeals to me, the idea that we love our kids unconditionally: whether they behave, throw a tantrum, do (or don鈥檛 do) well in school. Kohn debunks many popular discipline strategies including time-outs, positive reinforcement and praise, reward systems, and punishment. Instead he offers thirteen parenting techniques that help parents to honor their kids and to treat them as if they like them rather than are in charge of them. He also challenges parents to consider how they would feel if they were receiving the treatment they鈥檙e giving their kids. Are we helping our children feel loved and accepted even when their behavior is not acceptable? He warns against the unspoken message, 鈥淲e love you honey; we just hate almost everything you do鈥� (143) and offers strategies for dealing with problematic behavior.
I liked the ideas in this book, though I felt like Kohn kept repeating himself to try to drill home people鈥檚 understanding of why to do it. I鈥檇 bought in pretty early on so I was ready for application advice way before he gave it. One of the things I appreciated most about this book was Kohn鈥檚 insistence on seeing a child as a whole person with needs of his or her own, needs that are not or should not be secondary just because of being a child. Unconditional Parenting offers many logical and loving parenting and discipline strategies to help meet a whole family鈥檚 needs. It just took awhile to get there.
If you want my Cliff鈥檚 notes version, read the chapters and pages I found most helpful:
* 鈥淕iving and Withholding Love鈥� 24 - 42
* From 鈥淧unitive Damages鈥� 64 - 73
* 鈥淧ushed to Succeed鈥� 74 - 77
* 鈥淧rinciples of Unconditional Parenting鈥� 119 - 139
* 鈥淟ove Without Strings Attached鈥� 143 - 162
* 鈥淭he Child鈥檚 Perspective鈥� 191 - 211
I liked the ideas in this book, though I felt like Kohn kept repeating himself to try to drill home people鈥檚 understanding of why to do it. I鈥檇 bought in pretty early on so I was ready for application advice way before he gave it. One of the things I appreciated most about this book was Kohn鈥檚 insistence on seeing a child as a whole person with needs of his or her own, needs that are not or should not be secondary just because of being a child. Unconditional Parenting offers many logical and loving parenting and discipline strategies to help meet a whole family鈥檚 needs. It just took awhile to get there.
If you want my Cliff鈥檚 notes version, read the chapters and pages I found most helpful:
* 鈥淕iving and Withholding Love鈥� 24 - 42
* From 鈥淧unitive Damages鈥� 64 - 73
* 鈥淧ushed to Succeed鈥� 74 - 77
* 鈥淧rinciples of Unconditional Parenting鈥� 119 - 139
* 鈥淟ove Without Strings Attached鈥� 143 - 162
* 鈥淭he Child鈥檚 Perspective鈥� 191 - 211
October 25, 2007
I have to give this book a wholehearted recommendation. It took me about a week to read it and caused what I can say was my first real "I'm-not-the-awesome-parent-I-thought-I-was" crisis. Which was so good for me. What if everything that you take for grated about parenting (time-outs, stickers for toilet training, praise and accolades) might actually be hurting your relationship with your child, or even your child him/herself?? Alfie Kohn says that these traditional punishment and reward systems are extremely damaging to children's development and psyches. And he cites a huge body of research telling you why. And then he explains some alternatives.
I consider myself a very competent parent and child-care provider (afterall, I've been doing the latter for some 15 years!), and this book blew many of my habits and theories out of the water. It gave me lots to think about. It inspires me to try harder and harder everyday to be a better parent. It moved me so much that I bought my own copy.
I consider myself a very competent parent and child-care provider (afterall, I've been doing the latter for some 15 years!), and this book blew many of my habits and theories out of the water. It gave me lots to think about. It inspires me to try harder and harder everyday to be a better parent. It moved me so much that I bought my own copy.
April 1, 2017
Eric's Lessons:
1. Reconsider your requests: is what I'm asking for worth the trouble?
2. Put the relationship with your child first
3. Respect your child, don't demean them "Just ignore him when he gets like that."
4. Be authentic, apologize
5. Talk less, ask your child more questions
6. "Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts"
7. Say Yes whenever possible instead of No
8. Be flexible
9. Don't be in a hurry (when we are rushing or in public we tend to be more controlling and coercive)
10. Ask yourself, if the comment I just made had been made to me-- would I feel unconditionally loved?
Limit criticisms
Make criticism specific to situation, not imply something wrong with kid
Limit intensity of criticism
Look for alternatives to criticism
Tommy looked sad that you said that to him
When your feeling frustrated, what can we do instead of pushing?
11. Instead of good job:
Say nothing, just pay attention
Describing, rather than evaluating
Explain the effects the child's action on other people
Inviting reflection
Asking rather than judging
"Its when children fall short and feel incompetent that they most need our love not our disappointment"
Allow your child to make many choices often, even some important ones
12. How to raise moral kid
Care about them
Show them how a moral person lives
Talk with them: reason and love
13. Remember to see things from the child's perspective
1. Reconsider your requests: is what I'm asking for worth the trouble?
2. Put the relationship with your child first
3. Respect your child, don't demean them "Just ignore him when he gets like that."
4. Be authentic, apologize
5. Talk less, ask your child more questions
6. "Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts"
7. Say Yes whenever possible instead of No
8. Be flexible
9. Don't be in a hurry (when we are rushing or in public we tend to be more controlling and coercive)
10. Ask yourself, if the comment I just made had been made to me-- would I feel unconditionally loved?
Limit criticisms
Make criticism specific to situation, not imply something wrong with kid
Limit intensity of criticism
Look for alternatives to criticism
Tommy looked sad that you said that to him
When your feeling frustrated, what can we do instead of pushing?
11. Instead of good job:
Say nothing, just pay attention
Describing, rather than evaluating
Explain the effects the child's action on other people
Inviting reflection
Asking rather than judging
"Its when children fall short and feel incompetent that they most need our love not our disappointment"
Allow your child to make many choices often, even some important ones
12. How to raise moral kid
Care about them
Show them how a moral person lives
Talk with them: reason and love
13. Remember to see things from the child's perspective
May 14, 2008
I went through a period of time where I read a million and one parenting books. This one came highly recommended from a good friend (and cousin). I found that it lacked practicality and weighed heavily on scare tactics (ie: you're going to permanently damage and ruin your child if you do X, Y, & Z, but then never gave examples of what you should do in these situations). And I had a hard time with the fact that it claimed you can only love your child unconditionally if you fit their mold.
On the flip side, I've never liked rewards and punishment methods of parenting/teaching because I want my children to want to be good for being-good sake, and not because they want a sticker or don't want to have to flip their card to *gasp* red.
In short, too many holes, not enough answers.
On the flip side, I've never liked rewards and punishment methods of parenting/teaching because I want my children to want to be good for being-good sake, and not because they want a sticker or don't want to have to flip their card to *gasp* red.
In short, too many holes, not enough answers.
April 15, 2008
As both a parent and a teacher, I think this is one of the most important books I will read. I think I will return to it again and again to remind myself to keep the ultimate goals for my child (and for my relationship with my child) in mind. Kohn turns conventional "wisdom" about "discipline" on its head. He asserts that a "working with" approach, rather than the more traditional "doing to" approach, more effectively reaches the goal of a sensitive, caring and independent child. His questioning of the very popular practices of overzealous praise and time-outs were probably most useful to me, as they gave me pause about things I would likely do simply because I am surrounded by that mentality. Kohn is not idealistic- he humorously includes stories of raising his own two children and reminds us that the most important things a parent can convey are a sense of kindness, respect and caring attention.
June 17, 2013
Reading this book requires patience to get past the first six chapters without screaming, "Okay, I get it! I know what not to do. What do I do!?"
It's brutal. But I understand that Kohn feels he needs to convince his readers of the evidence against rewards and punishments for children. His case seems strong to a layman like me, though I can imagine a lot of convincing is needed for many parents or parents-to-be. The point was fully belabored.
Once we do get to the advice portions of the book, it's vague. Kohn pretty much tells us that he's being vague because he doesn't want parents to be following formulas to raise their children. He has a good point - there's clearly no one-size-fits-all solution for parenting. But would it have killed him to include a few examples now and then? This is not a reference book. It's about the philosophy of parenting. It's about examining every interaction you have with your child with this question in mind: am I showing my kid that I love them right now?
Quite frankly, I think it's a tough book to fully internalize. Kohn does explain what he wants parents to do, but it's a deductive puzzle: his rules are broad and general while your exact circumstances are specific.
Despite that, I read this very slowly in short snippets over a long span of time and I thought about it and mulled it over and talked about it with my wife. So I think I've come to something that resembles a pair of actual rules a parent could reasonably follow:
1. If your kid does something bad, try to explain why it was bad and invoke empathy as much as possible (have their actions affected someone else, perhaps?). Most importantly, make it clear that you still love them anyway.
2. Your kid does something good, it's okay to encourage it, but somehow (and this is the hard part) make it clear that your love is in no way due to the thing they just did.
But really, if you think about it, these two rules can be distilled into just one:
1. Show them unconditional love: make it absolutely crystal clear to your kid that you love them no matter what they do.
Easier said than done. It takes vigilance and practice and most of us will probably never get even close to as good at it as we'd like. But as Kohn explains (and I'm paraphrasing big-time), just the fact that you're trying means you're doing the right thing.
My personal suggestion: start by smiling every time you see your child.
Tags: unconditionality, things not to do, things not to say, studies, parenting, children, monk-like calm, patience, willpower, love
It's brutal. But I understand that Kohn feels he needs to convince his readers of the evidence against rewards and punishments for children. His case seems strong to a layman like me, though I can imagine a lot of convincing is needed for many parents or parents-to-be. The point was fully belabored.
Once we do get to the advice portions of the book, it's vague. Kohn pretty much tells us that he's being vague because he doesn't want parents to be following formulas to raise their children. He has a good point - there's clearly no one-size-fits-all solution for parenting. But would it have killed him to include a few examples now and then? This is not a reference book. It's about the philosophy of parenting. It's about examining every interaction you have with your child with this question in mind: am I showing my kid that I love them right now?
Quite frankly, I think it's a tough book to fully internalize. Kohn does explain what he wants parents to do, but it's a deductive puzzle: his rules are broad and general while your exact circumstances are specific.
Despite that, I read this very slowly in short snippets over a long span of time and I thought about it and mulled it over and talked about it with my wife. So I think I've come to something that resembles a pair of actual rules a parent could reasonably follow:
1. If your kid does something bad, try to explain why it was bad and invoke empathy as much as possible (have their actions affected someone else, perhaps?). Most importantly, make it clear that you still love them anyway.
2. Your kid does something good, it's okay to encourage it, but somehow (and this is the hard part) make it clear that your love is in no way due to the thing they just did.
But really, if you think about it, these two rules can be distilled into just one:
1. Show them unconditional love: make it absolutely crystal clear to your kid that you love them no matter what they do.
Easier said than done. It takes vigilance and practice and most of us will probably never get even close to as good at it as we'd like. But as Kohn explains (and I'm paraphrasing big-time), just the fact that you're trying means you're doing the right thing.
My personal suggestion: start by smiling every time you see your child.
Tags: unconditionality, things not to do, things not to say, studies, parenting, children, monk-like calm, patience, willpower, love
March 4, 2013
This was an amazing book. The thing I liked most was that it really helped you to think through parenting assumptions, many of them handed to you by pop culture, and whether the conclusions of that thinking through are what you as a parent actually want for your kids. It was almost iconoclastic in its stance towards many popular parenting techniques, which isn't always a good thing, but the author's logic, conclusions, and recommendations (all backed up by research) are rather persuasive.
I will say that I felt a little skeptical, even defensive, when I first started reading Alfie Kohn--though my initial reaction was in his book Punished by Rewards, which has a scope greater than parenting--but I kept reading and I'm very glad I did. I recommend this book to any parent, even if you decide you don't agree with it. The mental exercise of shaking the dust out of your assumptions (or other people's or other parenting books' assumptions) will make you a better parent, just by becoming self-aware, learning to see the child's perspective, and learning to think your actions through.
update 3/4/13: Just finished re-reading and it was well worth the effort. It really helps to refesh and remind yourself of the things in the book, especially the last few chapters. Love.
I will say that I felt a little skeptical, even defensive, when I first started reading Alfie Kohn--though my initial reaction was in his book Punished by Rewards, which has a scope greater than parenting--but I kept reading and I'm very glad I did. I recommend this book to any parent, even if you decide you don't agree with it. The mental exercise of shaking the dust out of your assumptions (or other people's or other parenting books' assumptions) will make you a better parent, just by becoming self-aware, learning to see the child's perspective, and learning to think your actions through.
update 3/4/13: Just finished re-reading and it was well worth the effort. It really helps to refesh and remind yourself of the things in the book, especially the last few chapters. Love.
September 28, 2023
Najkorisnije knjige o ljudskom razvoju, emocijama i pona拧anju, nisu napisali psiholozi, nego edukatori, neurobiolozi i (naravno) advokati. Za拧to je to tako? Valjda jer se psiholozi silno upinju da prika啪u nau膷ni deo, da izlo啪e ogroman broj eksperimentalnih studija koji im je ovla拧 pomenut tokom studiranja, a i ruku na srce, psiho-pop je zaista krava muzara najmanje poslednje dve dekade po knji啪arama, pa je kvantitet, kao i obi膷no, prevladao kvalitet. Mo啪da bih jedino izdvojila socijalne psihologe. They really know their shit.
Edukacija je (za mene) jedan od najve膰ih socijalnih pokreta膷a, ne拧to 膷ime se bavim od vrti膰a (moji petogodi拧nji vr拧njaci su morali da znaju kako se prave bebe, a ne da im vaspita膷ica i roditelji ma啪u o膷i rodama i kupusima). A Alfie Kohn je edukator sa nevi膽enom ljubavlju prema svom poslu i sa dubokim razumevanjem dece. Njegovu Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes sam 膷itala kri拧om na predavanjima, dok nam je predava膷 oklagijao mo啪dane ovojnice o organogenezi jetre koja 膰e mi biti potrebna 0 (evo i slovima: ta膷no nula) puta u 啪ivotu.
Unconditional parenting je o bezuslovnom roditeljstvu (da 艩erlo膷e) i analizira uticaj istog na dalji de膷iji razvoj i motivaciju za u膷enje (naslov jeste krind啪 ali Alfie pi拧e organizovano i razgovetno). Kada dete pravi gluposti, besni (ili jo拧 prostije - ne pona拧a se onako kako biste vi 啪eleli da se pona拧a), da li ga ka啪njavati? Nastaviti sa programom i danom kao da ni拧ta nije bilo? Kakav dugoro膷ni uticaj imaju pohvale i nagrade za "o膷ekivano" pona拧anje"? Kako se nositi sa mi拧lju da si neadekvatan roditelj? Kako ga bez previ拧e pritiska naterati da KONA膶NO obuje cipele ili opere zube?
Ja nisam roditelj, tako da je moj legitimitet u ovim redovima solidno nepostoje膰i, ali mislim da je Alfie detaljno obradio temu - naravno, treba uzeti u obzir njegovo ameri膷ko okru啪enje i kulturu. Najve膰a zamerka mi je dosta 拧turo poglavlje o kontrastu sa 拧kolom (jer te拧ko da 膰e u膷itelj odjednom promeniti sopstveni, "uslovni" na膷in rada) i kako ga objasniti deci.
Za one koji vi拧e vole filmove, ima jedan mnogo lep francuski dokumentarac "脢tre et avoir (To be and to have)" iz 2002. Ima na torrentu (sa prevodom na engleski), jedino 拧to se skida malo du啪e jer malo ljudi seeduje. A mislim da ima i raspar膷an na youtubetu. Tu pratimo divnog seoskog u膷itelja 沤or啪a Lopeza tokom cele 拧kolske godine, u me拧ovitom razredu sa 膽acima svih uzrasta. Najja膷a scena u filmu je kad mali vrtiguz 沤o啪o skapira koncept beskona膷nosti i... pa... spremite maramice za poslednju scenu pred letnji raspust 鈾ワ笍.
Edukacija je (za mene) jedan od najve膰ih socijalnih pokreta膷a, ne拧to 膷ime se bavim od vrti膰a (moji petogodi拧nji vr拧njaci su morali da znaju kako se prave bebe, a ne da im vaspita膷ica i roditelji ma啪u o膷i rodama i kupusima). A Alfie Kohn je edukator sa nevi膽enom ljubavlju prema svom poslu i sa dubokim razumevanjem dece. Njegovu Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A's, Praise, and Other Bribes sam 膷itala kri拧om na predavanjima, dok nam je predava膷 oklagijao mo啪dane ovojnice o organogenezi jetre koja 膰e mi biti potrebna 0 (evo i slovima: ta膷no nula) puta u 啪ivotu.
Unconditional parenting je o bezuslovnom roditeljstvu (da 艩erlo膷e) i analizira uticaj istog na dalji de膷iji razvoj i motivaciju za u膷enje (naslov jeste krind啪 ali Alfie pi拧e organizovano i razgovetno). Kada dete pravi gluposti, besni (ili jo拧 prostije - ne pona拧a se onako kako biste vi 啪eleli da se pona拧a), da li ga ka啪njavati? Nastaviti sa programom i danom kao da ni拧ta nije bilo? Kakav dugoro膷ni uticaj imaju pohvale i nagrade za "o膷ekivano" pona拧anje"? Kako se nositi sa mi拧lju da si neadekvatan roditelj? Kako ga bez previ拧e pritiska naterati da KONA膶NO obuje cipele ili opere zube?
Ja nisam roditelj, tako da je moj legitimitet u ovim redovima solidno nepostoje膰i, ali mislim da je Alfie detaljno obradio temu - naravno, treba uzeti u obzir njegovo ameri膷ko okru啪enje i kulturu. Najve膰a zamerka mi je dosta 拧turo poglavlje o kontrastu sa 拧kolom (jer te拧ko da 膰e u膷itelj odjednom promeniti sopstveni, "uslovni" na膷in rada) i kako ga objasniti deci.
Za one koji vi拧e vole filmove, ima jedan mnogo lep francuski dokumentarac "脢tre et avoir (To be and to have)" iz 2002. Ima na torrentu (sa prevodom na engleski), jedino 拧to se skida malo du啪e jer malo ljudi seeduje. A mislim da ima i raspar膷an na youtubetu. Tu pratimo divnog seoskog u膷itelja 沤or啪a Lopeza tokom cele 拧kolske godine, u me拧ovitom razredu sa 膽acima svih uzrasta. Najja膷a scena u filmu je kad mali vrtiguz 沤o啪o skapira koncept beskona膷nosti i... pa... spremite maramice za poslednju scenu pred letnji raspust 鈾ワ笍.
February 10, 2017
In general I guess I have a problem with things, people, views, methods that are either too extremist or too generalizing, or both.
I'm not really a big fan of The Right Way (for one as for all), and anyone who claims to have found it and who starts lecturing other people on it and how they've come to master it to perfection, I tend to regard with a bit of incredulity.
So as much as I agree with dear Alfie that children should always know they are loved, and that it is important to treat children with respect, to try to understand where they are coming from, that we, as parents need to reflect on what we are doing and why and how we can do it better,听I just don't believe that rewards, limits or praise is always a bad thing, or that behaviorism got everything wrong (but neither did they get everything right), and that by setting boundaries or using exterior motivation techniques children will automatically end up question wether they are loved or not and with serious self esteem issues.
That's a little too simplistic, limited, deterministic and reductionistic scope.
Parenting is not a clear cut way or choice of one style or the other, one of them being good and one being bad, of categorizing parents as either 'conditional'(=bad) or 'unconditional' (=good). I think parents will at some points be practicing one form, at other times the other, and that many many more factors play into how children turn out, that just this one way of categorizing parenting techniques. Parenting and childrearing is a messy business, and parents and children change and vary and different things have different effects on different people. No matter how much research Alfie cited, research itself is a flawed business that can be easily manipulated (just by selectation) and not a reflection of Truth. Just as much research exist to prove a point for behavioristic methods as for Alfies more romantic approaches. Both can be used and misused, and neither approach does well on its own.
So where Alfie is setting it up as a competition, that can only have one winner, I disagree with the whole听Either/ Or stance. I would have liked to see more of a bridging and a reflecting aim than the campaigning and oversimplifying categorizing that was going on here.
I'm not really a big fan of The Right Way (for one as for all), and anyone who claims to have found it and who starts lecturing other people on it and how they've come to master it to perfection, I tend to regard with a bit of incredulity.
So as much as I agree with dear Alfie that children should always know they are loved, and that it is important to treat children with respect, to try to understand where they are coming from, that we, as parents need to reflect on what we are doing and why and how we can do it better,听I just don't believe that rewards, limits or praise is always a bad thing, or that behaviorism got everything wrong (but neither did they get everything right), and that by setting boundaries or using exterior motivation techniques children will automatically end up question wether they are loved or not and with serious self esteem issues.
That's a little too simplistic, limited, deterministic and reductionistic scope.
Parenting is not a clear cut way or choice of one style or the other, one of them being good and one being bad, of categorizing parents as either 'conditional'(=bad) or 'unconditional' (=good). I think parents will at some points be practicing one form, at other times the other, and that many many more factors play into how children turn out, that just this one way of categorizing parenting techniques. Parenting and childrearing is a messy business, and parents and children change and vary and different things have different effects on different people. No matter how much research Alfie cited, research itself is a flawed business that can be easily manipulated (just by selectation) and not a reflection of Truth. Just as much research exist to prove a point for behavioristic methods as for Alfies more romantic approaches. Both can be used and misused, and neither approach does well on its own.
So where Alfie is setting it up as a competition, that can only have one winner, I disagree with the whole听Either/ Or stance. I would have liked to see more of a bridging and a reflecting aim than the campaigning and oversimplifying categorizing that was going on here.
August 7, 2024
(禺賵丿丿乇诏蹖乇蹖)
賳賲蹖鈥屫堎嗁� 賵丕賱丕. 賮乇夭賳丿賲 讴噩丕 亘賵丿責 夭丨賲鬲 亘讴卮賲 禺賵丿賲賵 亘倬乇賵乇賵賳賲.
賳賲蹖鈥屫堎嗁� 賵丕賱丕. 賮乇夭賳丿賲 讴噩丕 亘賵丿責 夭丨賲鬲 亘讴卮賲 禺賵丿賲賵 亘倬乇賵乇賵賳賲.
October 22, 2009
I am not sure quite what to rate this book. Would I recommend this to others...not sure. Here is what I liked and what I didn't like about the book.
One of the things that helped me to keep reading was the fact that the author backs up most of his ideas with research. Granted you can find studies that support both sides of a position. But so many authors of parenting books just throw out their opinions with nothing to back up their opinion. The author even gives the study and the results of the study, he doesn't just say "Researchers found...". Also this book was very well organized and one that would be easy to skip through and find the information you are interested in.
What I didn't like. As a parent it is hard to hear over and over what you are doing wrong. I want a book that says ok here are some tools to use. This book did have some good points but you have to skip to the end.
What I got from the book.
Change how you see not just how you act. I think this was the whole point of the book and why the author listed all the things typical parents do, and why that is not the best parenting strategy.
Give your kids affection without limit, without reservation and without excuse. Pay as much attention to them as you can regardless of mood or circumstance. The important thing is that your kids feel that you love them no matter what. (easier said than done)
Give your kids as many choices as you can. We say no all to often.
Time outs are a form of love withdrawal, not good. Time out is a technique coined by B.F. Skinner and his work with pigeons! I had no idea. Now the book also says that if children of their own free will and choice want to go to a comfortable place to calm down that is ok, it is not ok to send them to time out.
Positive reinforcement in the form of stickers, candy, praise, etc not good. Children are actually less sucessful at a task when they are offered a reward.
Controlling not good. Society focuses a lot of the permissive parents, there are more authoritarian, controlling parents. The overcontrolled child creates a double life, the one the parent sees and a secret one.
Respect- children often know more about things than we give them credit for.
Give your children the benefit of the doubt, attribute the best possible motive consistent with the facts.
Don't be in a hurry. Parents who are short on time tend to be more controlling.
Basically this book wants children to learn the intrinsic internal rewards.
I had a really hard time reading this book. I felt like I had no options left that were "healthy" according to this book. I stopped reading and started skimming just so I could get my review done. I did my review and all went well. I went to a class later that day and the therapy model they were teaching is behavorisim, which is exactly everything this book said not to do. As I was sitting there watching them "teach" us how to put our children in time out with the "naughty" point (from the Nanny which I actually used to love) my stomach began to churn. What messages are we sending our children when we sit them under a sign that says naughty when they made a mistake? What if God gave us a "time out" everytime we yelled at our kids? God loves us no matter what, no matter what we do, say, or how we treat others. Do we need candy and stickers to let us know that we did a good job on something? Will our children feel that good internal feeling if they are always doing something because they will get a piece of candy, or because we take away that focus from the internal feeling by saying that feeling isn't enough of a reward here let me give you something external so that you know you did a good job? My appreciation of this book grew and I understood more of what the author's point was after sitting in this class and knowing how manipulated I would feel if someone treated me the way we often treat our children. Yes I realize that many of those "techniques" work but just because something works doesn't mean we should do it.
One of the things that helped me to keep reading was the fact that the author backs up most of his ideas with research. Granted you can find studies that support both sides of a position. But so many authors of parenting books just throw out their opinions with nothing to back up their opinion. The author even gives the study and the results of the study, he doesn't just say "Researchers found...". Also this book was very well organized and one that would be easy to skip through and find the information you are interested in.
What I didn't like. As a parent it is hard to hear over and over what you are doing wrong. I want a book that says ok here are some tools to use. This book did have some good points but you have to skip to the end.
What I got from the book.
Change how you see not just how you act. I think this was the whole point of the book and why the author listed all the things typical parents do, and why that is not the best parenting strategy.
Give your kids affection without limit, without reservation and without excuse. Pay as much attention to them as you can regardless of mood or circumstance. The important thing is that your kids feel that you love them no matter what. (easier said than done)
Give your kids as many choices as you can. We say no all to often.
Time outs are a form of love withdrawal, not good. Time out is a technique coined by B.F. Skinner and his work with pigeons! I had no idea. Now the book also says that if children of their own free will and choice want to go to a comfortable place to calm down that is ok, it is not ok to send them to time out.
Positive reinforcement in the form of stickers, candy, praise, etc not good. Children are actually less sucessful at a task when they are offered a reward.
Controlling not good. Society focuses a lot of the permissive parents, there are more authoritarian, controlling parents. The overcontrolled child creates a double life, the one the parent sees and a secret one.
Respect- children often know more about things than we give them credit for.
Give your children the benefit of the doubt, attribute the best possible motive consistent with the facts.
Don't be in a hurry. Parents who are short on time tend to be more controlling.
Basically this book wants children to learn the intrinsic internal rewards.
I had a really hard time reading this book. I felt like I had no options left that were "healthy" according to this book. I stopped reading and started skimming just so I could get my review done. I did my review and all went well. I went to a class later that day and the therapy model they were teaching is behavorisim, which is exactly everything this book said not to do. As I was sitting there watching them "teach" us how to put our children in time out with the "naughty" point (from the Nanny which I actually used to love) my stomach began to churn. What messages are we sending our children when we sit them under a sign that says naughty when they made a mistake? What if God gave us a "time out" everytime we yelled at our kids? God loves us no matter what, no matter what we do, say, or how we treat others. Do we need candy and stickers to let us know that we did a good job on something? Will our children feel that good internal feeling if they are always doing something because they will get a piece of candy, or because we take away that focus from the internal feeling by saying that feeling isn't enough of a reward here let me give you something external so that you know you did a good job? My appreciation of this book grew and I understood more of what the author's point was after sitting in this class and knowing how manipulated I would feel if someone treated me the way we often treat our children. Yes I realize that many of those "techniques" work but just because something works doesn't mean we should do it.
December 22, 2019
The front cover of this book describes it as "A Provocative Challenge to the Conventional Wisdom about Discipline." Uh, YEAH.
This book had me squirming in my chair on a regular basis. Over and over, the author would present compelling research about how parenting with rewards and punishments doesn't necessarily get you a kid who's more compliant. And over and over, I would think to myself: "Well, if you don't use rewards and punishments, what the crap else are you going to do?" Be patient because it's worth it!
This book had me squirming in my chair on a regular basis. Over and over, the author would present compelling research about how parenting with rewards and punishments doesn't necessarily get you a kid who's more compliant. And over and over, I would think to myself: "Well, if you don't use rewards and punishments, what the crap else are you going to do?" Be patient because it's worth it!
October 28, 2008
This is the best book on parenting I have ever read. Before this, I have read tons of parenting books and found that attachment parenting worked best for me. I heard Alfie Kohn speak on the radio and ordered this from the library, thinking I would read more (he has a ton) if I liked this one. Some people are turned off by his obvious passion and strong opinions on this subject, but I find that it's nice to have someone believe strongly in their (well-researched) approach to parenting, when that approach is actually kind and respectful toward children. This book has completely changed they way I interact with my children, especially my seven-year-old and I am so happy with the results that I will risk sounding over-eager. Kohn posits the idea that rewards and punishments (conditional parenting) are ineffective as parenting tools. He argues that parenting is effective when we can demonstrate to our children day-in and day-out that we always love them. This sounds pretty obvious, but I agree with him that much of traditional parenting consists of getting kids to behave the way we want them to and bombarding them with negatives when they don't, without realizing that our interactions very often put forth the message that they are only acceptable to us when they are exactingly obedient. He goes to say how parenting based on conditions (either giving praise or criticism) leads kids away from learning on their own terms, being excited about exploration, and thinking about how their interactions affect people other than themselves. I kept making Jake listen to paragraphs--the book is so pertinent and practical--it makes you realize how a whole paradigm (traditional parenting) is totally screwed up and you just never saw it (although it did feel wrong a lot of the time). The thing I like most about this book is that it argues the main goal of parenting is to teach our children to be compassionate human beings--people that consider and respect the feelings of others and are aware of how their behavior and choices make a difference to the people around them. Instead of focusing their attention on themselves, it helps draw them out to notice the world around them. My seven-year-old has responded amazingly well to Kohn's approaches (some of which we had figured out ourselves), and I feel as close to her as I did when I was a single parent, she was still my baby, and we were an inseparable two-some. She follows my (our) lead on this and treats her younger sister (19 mo.) better as well. I'm excited to read more of Kohn's books, especially about education. This book has brought peace into our home and strengthened my relationship with my daughters. I feel confident that this is the type of parenting that will allow me to have an open relationship with my girls even when they are teenagers, and even when we disagree (fingers crossed).
May 23, 2021
It鈥檚 no exaggeration to say I would be a dramatically different parent had I not been introduced to Kohn鈥檚 ideas right before getting pregnant with my son (thanks Dais). It鈥檚 actually terrifying thinking about how antithetical his approach is to our cultural norms, when it all makes such perfect sense.
This is what I鈥檒l take away as the core of the book: our goal as parents should be to make our kids feel that we love them unconditionally, 鈥渇or no good reason鈥�. Rewards (including praise) and punishments (including ignoring them when they鈥檙e behaving 鈥渂adly鈥�) tell them the exact opposite: that our love for them is conditional on their behaviour. We know they desperately want and need our love, and we exploit that fact by strategically giving/removing that love in order to train them to act in a way that鈥檚 (often) more convenient for us.
Which leads on to Kohn鈥檚 other crucial point: we should always try to act with our ultimate goals for our kids in mind. An important part of that is that we want them to be internally motivated: e.g. to pursue learning because they enjoy that process, not because they crave our praise, or to treat other people well because they care about other people, not because we鈥檒l punish them if they don鈥檛.
The alternatives to rewards and punishment? Genuine respect for our kids, genuine interest in what they think/feel/want, exerting the minimum of control over them (saying no only when you absolutely have to, giving them autonomy wherever you can), explaining the reasons for your actions. It will take a lot more patience and energy than throwing out mindless 鈥済ood jobs鈥� or 鈥渂ecause I said sos鈥�, but it will help them grow into empathetic, kind, thoughtful, curious, confident people 鈥� who never feel they have to act in a certain way to earn our love.
In conclusion, I named my son after Alfie Kohn and I have no regrets.
This is what I鈥檒l take away as the core of the book: our goal as parents should be to make our kids feel that we love them unconditionally, 鈥渇or no good reason鈥�. Rewards (including praise) and punishments (including ignoring them when they鈥檙e behaving 鈥渂adly鈥�) tell them the exact opposite: that our love for them is conditional on their behaviour. We know they desperately want and need our love, and we exploit that fact by strategically giving/removing that love in order to train them to act in a way that鈥檚 (often) more convenient for us.
Which leads on to Kohn鈥檚 other crucial point: we should always try to act with our ultimate goals for our kids in mind. An important part of that is that we want them to be internally motivated: e.g. to pursue learning because they enjoy that process, not because they crave our praise, or to treat other people well because they care about other people, not because we鈥檒l punish them if they don鈥檛.
The alternatives to rewards and punishment? Genuine respect for our kids, genuine interest in what they think/feel/want, exerting the minimum of control over them (saying no only when you absolutely have to, giving them autonomy wherever you can), explaining the reasons for your actions. It will take a lot more patience and energy than throwing out mindless 鈥済ood jobs鈥� or 鈥渂ecause I said sos鈥�, but it will help them grow into empathetic, kind, thoughtful, curious, confident people 鈥� who never feel they have to act in a certain way to earn our love.
In conclusion, I named my son after Alfie Kohn and I have no regrets.
May 8, 2022
袗谢褎褨 袣芯薪 芦袥褞斜芯胁 斜械蟹 褍屑芯胁. 袙褨写 胁懈薪邪谐芯褉芯写 褨 锌芯泻邪褉邪薪褜 写芯 褌褍褉斜芯褌懈 泄 锌芯褉芯蟹褍屑褨薪薪褟禄
袟 泻芯卸薪芯褞 锌褉芯褔懈褌邪薪芯褞 泻薪懈谐芯褞 锌褉芯 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟 写褨褌械泄, 褟 锌械褉械泻芯薪褍褞褋褜, 褖芯 锌褉邪胁懈谢褜薪懈褏 胁褨写锌芯胁褨写械泄 薪邪 屑芯褩 锌懈褌邪薪薪褟 薪械 褨褋薪褍褦.
携 褏芯褔褍 褟泻芯谐芯褋褜 锌芯谐芯卸芯谐芯 写薪褟 锌械褉械谐芯褉薪褍褌懈 褋褌芯褉褨薪泻褍, 邪 蟹胁褨写褌懈 蟹芯谢芯褌懈屑 褋褟泄胁芯屑 褋胁褨褌褟褌褜褋褟 胁芯薪懈 - 褋谢芯胁邪, 褟泻褨 写械褌邪谢褜薪芯 褨 褔褨褌泻芯 褉芯蟹锌芯胁褨写邪褞褌褜 褟泻 锌褉邪胁懈谢褜薪芯 胁懈褏芯胁邪褌懈 写懈褌懈薪褍! 袘邪褌褜泻褨胁褋褌胁芯 - 褑械 薪邪泄胁邪卸褔懈泄 胁懈泻谢懈泻 褍 卸懈褌褌褨 谢褞写械泄. 袟胁褨褋薪芯, 屑芯卸薪邪 泄褌懈 锌褉芯褌芯锌褌邪薪芯褞 褋褌械卸泻芯褞 褨 胁懈褏芯胁褍胁邪褌懈 写褨褌械泄 蟹邪 锌褉懈泻谢邪写芯屑 褋胁芯褩褏 斜邪褌褜泻褨胁 邪斜芯 卸 芯斜褉邪褌懈 褨薪褌褍褩褌懈胁薪懈泄 锌褨写褏褨写. 孝邪 褟 锌芯褋褌褨泄薪芯 褋褍屑薪褨胁邪褞褋褟 褍 写芯褉械褔薪芯褋褌褨 褑懈褏 褕谢褟褏褨胁. 袗褉谐褍屑械薪褌 褖芯 褟 胁懈褉芯褋谢邪 芦薪芯褉屑邪谢褜薪芯褞禄 屑械薪械 薪械 锌械褉械泻芯薪褍褦 褍 写芯褑褨谢褜薪芯褋褌褨 胁懈褏芯胁薪芯褩 褋褌褉邪褌械谐褨褩 屑芯褩褏 斜邪褌褜泻褨胁. 孝芯屑褍 褖芯 褟 蟹薪邪褞 褎邪泻褌懈. 孝邪泻芯褩 褋褌褉邪褌械谐褨褩 胁芯薪懈 薪械 屑邪谢懈. 携 褏芯褔褍, 褖芯斜 屑芯褟 写懈褌懈薪邪 斜褍谢邪 褖邪褋谢懈胁芯褞, 芯褌芯褔械薪芯褞 谢褞斜芯胁鈥櫻� 褌邪 锌褉懈泄薪褟褌褌褟屑 褨 胁芯写薪芯褔邪褋 邪写邪锌褌懈胁薪芯褞 写芯 胁懈屑芯谐 褋褍褋锌褨谢褜褋褌胁邪. 袗谢械 褟泻 褑褜芯谐芯 写芯褋褟谐褌懈? 携泻 胁蟹邪谐邪谢褨 邪写邪锌褌褍胁邪褌懈褋褟 写芯 褋胁褨褌褍, 胁 褟泻芯屑褍 胁褨写斜褍胁邪褞褌褜褋褟 褌邪泻褨 锌芯写褨褩 褟泻 胁褨泄薪邪 胁 校泻褉邪褩薪褨, 褟泻 谐械薪芯褑懈写 褑褨谢芯谐芯 薪邪褉芯写褍, 屑邪褋芯胁褨 胁斜懈胁褋褌胁邪, 蟹褤胁邪谢褌褍胁邪薪薪褟 褌邪 褌芯褉褌褍褉懈? 孝邪泻, 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟 写褨褌械泄 - 褑械 褋泻谢邪写薪邪 褉褨褔, 邪 蟹邪褉邪蟹 褑械 褋褌邪谢芯 蟹邪写邪褔械褞 褨蟹 斜邪谐邪褌褜屑邪 蟹褨褉芯褔泻邪屑懈. 袟邪褉邪蟹 芯褋薪芯胁薪芯褞 薪邪褕芯褞 屑械褌芯褞 褦 胁懈卸懈胁邪薪薪褟, 邪谢械 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟 写褨褌械泄 蟹邪泻谢邪写邪褦 褌芯泄 褎褍薪写邪屑械薪褌, 褖芯 屑芯卸械 蟹邪锌芯斜褨谐褌懈 胁褨泄薪邪屑 褌邪 薪邪褋懈谢褜褋褌胁褍 褍 屑邪泄斜褍褌薪褜芯屑褍. 袧邪褋谢褨写泻懈 邪胁褌芯褉懈褌邪褉薪芯谐芯 褌邪 薪邪褋懈谢褜薪懈褑褜泻芯谐芯 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟, 褖芯 锌褉懈泄褕芯胁 蟹 小袪小袪 褨 蟹斜械褉褨谐褋褟 胁 褉芯褋褨泄褋褜泻芯屑褍 褋褍褋锌褨谢褜褋褌胁褨, 屑懈 蟹邪褉邪蟹 薪邪谐谢褟写薪芯 斜邪褔懈屑芯. 笑械 卸邪谐邪 写芯 褉褍泄薪褍胁邪薪薪褟, 胁褨写褋褍褌薪褨褋褌褜 械屑锌邪褌褨褩 褌邪 褋锌褨胁褔褍褌褌褟, 胁褨写褋褍褌薪褨褋褌褜 泻褉懈褌懈褔薪芯谐芯 屑懈褋谢械薪薪褟 褌邪 锌褉懈泄薪褟褌褌褟 褋邪屑芯褋褌褨泄薪懈褏 褉褨褕械薪褜, 薪械锌芯胁邪谐邪 写芯 褨薪褕懈褏 泻褍谢褜褌褍褉 褨 谢褞写械泄 胁褑褨谢芯屑褍.
袨褋褜 写械泻褨谢褜泻邪 胁邪卸谢懈胁懈褏 锌芯褉邪写 写谢褟 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟, 褟泻褨 褟 胁蟹褟谢邪 薪邪 芯蟹斜褉芯褦薪薪褟 蟹 褑褨褦褩 泻薪懈谐懈, 锌褨写泻褉褨锌谢械薪褨 胁褨写锌芯胁褨写薪懈屑懈 褑懈褌邪褌邪屑懈:
* 袧邪胁褔褨褌褜褋褟 谢褞斜懈褌懈 斜械蟹 褍屑芯胁
芦携 褏芯褔褍 褋褌邪褌懈 薪邪 蟹邪褏懈褋褌 褨写械褩 谢褞斜芯胁褨 斜械蟹 褍屑芯胁 褟泻 蟹邪褋芯斜褍 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟, 褖芯 斜邪蟹褍褦褌褜褋褟 褨 薪邪 芯褑褨薪薪芯屑褍 屑褨褉泻褍胁邪薪薪褨, 褨 薪邪 锌褉芯谐薪芯褋褌懈褔薪芯屑褍 斜邪褔械薪薪褨. 袨褑褨薪薪械 屑褨褉泻褍胁邪薪薪褟 鈥� 褑械 写褍卸械 锌褉芯褋褌芯: 写褨褌懈 薪械 锌芯胁懈薪薪褨 锌芯薪邪写 褍褋械 褏芯褌褨褌懈 薪邪褕芯谐芯 褋褏胁邪谢械薪薪褟. 袧邪屑 褋谢褨写 谢褞斜懈褌懈 斜械蟹 卸芯写薪懈褏 薪邪 褌械 锌褉懈褔懈薪. 袘邪 斜褨谢褜褕械, 胁邪卸谢懈胁芯 薪械 褌械, 褖芯 屑懈 谢褞斜懈屑芯 褩褏 斜械蟹蟹邪褋褌械褉械卸薪芯, 邪 褌械, 褖芯 胁芯薪懈 胁褨写褔褍胁邪褞褌褜, 褖芯 褩褏 谢褞斜谢褟褌褜 褋邪屑械 褌邪泻禄
* 蟹芯褋械褉械写褜褌械褋褟 薪邪 褌芯屑褍, 褖芯 写懈褌懈薪邪 芯褌褉懈屑褍褦
芦孝械, 褖芯 屑懈 锌芯褔褍胁邪褦屑芯 写芯 薪邪褕懈褏 写褨褌械泄, 薪械 褌邪泻 胁邪卸谢懈胁芯, 褟泻 褌械, 褟泻 写褨褌懈 褋锌褉懈泄屑邪褞褌褜 薪邪褕褨 锌芯褔褍褌褌褟 褨 褟泻 胁芯薪懈 芯褑褨薪褞褞褌褜 薪邪褕械 褋褌邪胁谢械薪薪褟 写芯 薪懈褏. 袨褋胁褨褌褟薪懈 薪邪谐邪写褍褞褌褜, 褖芯 胁邪卸谢懈胁芯 薪械 褌械, 褔芯谐芯 胁褔懈褌械谢褜 薪邪胁褔邪胁, 邪 褌械, 褖芯 蟹 褑褜芯谐芯 写褨褌懈 蟹邪褋胁芯褩谢懈. 孝邪泻 褋邪屑芯 褨 胁 褉芯写懈薪褨. 袧邪泄胁邪卸谢懈胁褨褕械 鈥� 褌械, 褖芯 写懈褌懈薪邪 芯褌褉懈屑褍褦, 邪 薪械 褌械, 褖芯 屑懈 写褍屑邪褦屑芯, 泻芯谢懈 褩泄 褖芯褋褜 邪写褉械褋褍褦屑芯.禄
* 锌邪屑鈥樠徰傂靶寡傂� 锌褉芯 写芯胁谐芯褋褌褉芯泻芯胁褨 褑褨谢褨
芦袦懈 薪邪胁褉褟写 褔懈 蟹屑芯卸械屑芯 写芯褋褟谐褌懈 薪邪褕懈褏 写芯胁谐芯褋褌褉芯泻芯胁懈褏 褑褨谢械泄 褖芯写芯 写褨褌械泄, 褟泻褖芯 薪械 谐芯褌芯胁褨 锌芯褋褌邪胁懈褌懈 蟹邪锌懈褌邪薪薪褟 褋邪屑懈屑 褋芯斜褨: 褔懈 屑芯卸谢懈胁芯, 褖芯 屑芯褟 锌芯胁械写褨薪泻邪 斜褨谢褜褕械 胁褨写锌芯胁褨写邪褦 屑芯褩屑 锌芯褌褉械斜邪屑, 褋褌褉邪褏邪屑 褨 芯褌褉懈屑邪薪芯屑褍 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褞, 薪褨卸 褨薪褌械褉械褋邪屑 屑芯褩褏 写褨褌械泄? 禄
* 薪械 蟹邪斜芯褉芯薪褟褌械 斜械蟹 锌芯褌褉械斜懈
芦效邪褋褌芯 屑懈 谐芯胁芯褉懈屑芯 锌褉芯 斜械蟹锌械泻褍, 褖芯斜 胁懈锌褉邪胁写邪褌懈 薪邪褕褨 芦薪褨禄 蟹 褨薪褕懈褏 锌褉懈褔懈薪. 袦懈 屑芯卸械屑芯 薪邪泻邪蟹邪褌懈 写褨褌褟屑 锌褉懈锌懈薪懈褌懈 褉芯斜懈褌懈 褖芯褋褜 谐械褌褜 薪械褕泻褨写谢懈胁械, 邪斜芯 卸 泻邪蟹邪褌懈 芦薪褨禄 邪胁褌芯屑邪褌懈褔薪芯, 泻芯谢懈 胁芯薪懈 锌褉芯锌芯薪褍褞褌褜 褖芯褋褜 薪械蟹胁懈褔薪械. 袉薪芯写褨 屑懈 薪械 写芯蟹胁芯谢褟褦屑芯 写懈褌懈薪褨 褉芯斜懈褌懈 褖芯褋褜 谢懈褕械 褌芯屑褍, 褖芯 褑械 薪械蟹褉褍褔薪芯 写谢褟 薪邪褋.禄
* 褍薪懈泻邪泄褌械 芯褑褨薪芯泻
芦袛芯褋谢褨写卸械薪薪褟 锌芯泻邪蟹邪谢芯, 褖芯 泻芯薪泻褍褉械薪褑褨褟 蟹写械斜褨谢褜褕芯谐芯 褌褨谢褜泻懈 褋褌褉懈屑褍褦 谢褞写械泄 胁褨写 褌芯谐芯, 褖芯斜 胁芯薪懈 锌褉邪谐薪褍谢懈 屑邪泻褋懈屑邪谢褜薪芯 胁褨写写邪胁邪褌懈褋褟 薪邪胁褔邪薪薪褞 褔懈 褉芯斜芯褌褨. 袟 褉褨蟹薪懈褏 锌褉懈褔懈薪 褟泻褨褋薪械 胁懈泻芯薪邪薪薪褟 斜褨谢褜褕芯褋褌褨 蟹邪胁写邪薪褜 薪械 谢懈褕械 薪械 胁懈屑邪谐邪褦, 褖芯斜 谢褞写懈 薪邪屑邪谐邪谢懈褋褟 芯斜褨谐薪邪褌懈 芯写薪械 芯写薪芯谐芯, 鈥� 写谢褟 褑褜芯谐芯 褌褉械斜邪, 褖芯斜 胁芯薪懈 胁蟹邪谐邪谢褨 锌褉芯 褑械 薪械 写褍屑邪谢懈. 袘芯 胁 褌邪泻懈褏 褋懈褌褍邪褑褨褟褏 薪械屑邪褦 泻芯屑锌褉芯屑褨褋褍. 携泻褖芯 屑懈 写斜邪褦屑芯 锌褉芯 泻褨薪褑械胁懈泄 褉械蟹褍谢褜褌邪褌 胁懈泻芯薪邪薪芯谐芯 蟹邪胁写邪薪薪褟, 褌芯 谐芯谢芯胁薪械 褋锌褨胁锌褉邪褑褟, 邪 薪械 泻芯薪泻褍褉械薪褑褨褟. 孝邪泻 褋邪屑芯, 褟泻 薪邪褋 锌械褉械写褍褋褨屑 褑褨泻邪胁懈褌褜 褋褌邪胁谢械薪薪褟 谢褞写械泄 写芯 褋械斜械 褨 褌械, 褟泻 褋锌褉懈泄屑邪褦 薪邪褋 芯褌芯褔械薪薪褟.禄
* 写懈胁褨褌褜褋褟 芯褔懈屑邪 胁邪褕芯褩 写懈褌懈薪懈
芦袦懈 胁械褋褜 褔邪褋 褔芯谐芯褋褜 薪邪胁褔邪褦屑芯, 邪谢械, 褖芯斜 蟹鈥櫻徰佈冃残把傂�, 褔芯谐芯 褋邪屑械, 泻芯褉懈褋薪芯 锌械褉械屑泻薪褍褌懈褋褟 薪邪 褌械, 褟泻 褍褋械 斜邪褔懈褌褜 写懈褌懈薪邪. 袟谐褨写薪芯 蟹 写芯褋谢褨写卸械薪薪褟屑 (蟹胁邪卸褌械 薪邪 褑械), 械褎械泻褌 薪邪褕懈褏 写褨泄 胁懈蟹薪邪褔邪褦 薪械 褌械 锌芯胁褨写芯屑谢械薪薪褟, 褟泻械 屑懈 写褍屑邪褦屑芯, 褖芯 锌芯褋懈谢邪褦屑芯, 邪 褌械, 褖芯 褋锌褉懈泄屑邪褦 薪邪褕邪 写懈褌懈薪邪. 孝芯屑褍 写褍卸械 胁邪卸谢懈胁芯, 褔懈 胁褨写褔褍胁邪褞褌褜 写褨褌懈, 褖芯 褩褏 斜械蟹蟹邪褋褌械褉械卸薪芯 谢褞斜谢褟褌褜, 褔懈 胁胁邪卸邪褞褌褜 胁芯薪懈, 褖芯 屑邪褞褌褜 屑芯卸谢懈胁褨褋褌褜 褍褏胁邪谢褞胁邪褌懈 褉褨褕械薪薪褟, 褌芯褖芯?禄
* 写邪胁邪泄褌械 写懈褌懈薪褨 褟泻芯屑芯谐邪 斜褨谢褜褕械 胁懈斜芯褉褍
芦袧邪胁褨褌褜 薪械屑芯胁谢褟褌邪屑 屑芯卸薪邪 写芯蟹胁芯谢懈褌懈 褉芯斜懈褌懈 胁懈斜褨褉. 校 薪懈褏 写芯褋懈褌褜 褔褨褌泻械 褉芯蟹褍屑褨薪薪褟, 泻芯谢懈 胁芯薪懈 褏芯褔褍褌褜 褩褋褌懈, 褟泻 斜褨谢褜褕械 锌芯写芯斜邪褦褌褜褋褟, 泻芯谢懈 褩褏 褌褉懈屑邪褞褌褜, 写械 锌芯写芯斜邪褦褌褜褋褟, 褖芯斜 褩褏 谢芯褋泻芯褌邪谢懈, 褟泻芯褞 褨谐褉邪褕泻芯褞 胁芯薪懈 斜 蟹邪褉邪蟹 锌芯谐褉邪谢懈褋褟 褌芯褖芯. 袙邪卸谢懈胁芯, 褖芯斜 屑懈 斜褍谢懈 薪邪谢邪褕褌芯胁邪薪褨 写芯褋谢褍褏邪褌懈褋褟 写芯 褌芯谐芯, 褖芯 胁芯薪懈 薪邪屑 泻邪卸褍褌褜, 褨 薪邪屑邪谐邪褌懈褋褟 蟹邪写芯胁芯谢褜薪褟褌懈 褩褏薪褨 锌褉芯褏邪薪薪褟, 泻芯谢懈 褑械 屑芯卸谢懈胁芯, 邪 薪械 薪邪泻懈写邪谢懈 胁褋褌邪薪芯胁谢械薪懈泄 谐褉邪褎褨泻 谐芯写褍胁邪薪薪褟 褌邪 褋薪褍 褔懈 斜邪胁懈谢懈 褩褏 褌邪泻, 褟泻 胁械褋械谢芯 写谢褟 薪邪褋, 邪谢械 谐械褌褜 薪械 锌芯写芯斜邪褦褌褜褋褟 褩屑.禄
袟 泻芯卸薪芯褞 锌褉芯褔懈褌邪薪芯褞 泻薪懈谐芯褞 锌褉芯 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟 写褨褌械泄, 褟 锌械褉械泻芯薪褍褞褋褜, 褖芯 锌褉邪胁懈谢褜薪懈褏 胁褨写锌芯胁褨写械泄 薪邪 屑芯褩 锌懈褌邪薪薪褟 薪械 褨褋薪褍褦.
携 褏芯褔褍 褟泻芯谐芯褋褜 锌芯谐芯卸芯谐芯 写薪褟 锌械褉械谐芯褉薪褍褌懈 褋褌芯褉褨薪泻褍, 邪 蟹胁褨写褌懈 蟹芯谢芯褌懈屑 褋褟泄胁芯屑 褋胁褨褌褟褌褜褋褟 胁芯薪懈 - 褋谢芯胁邪, 褟泻褨 写械褌邪谢褜薪芯 褨 褔褨褌泻芯 褉芯蟹锌芯胁褨写邪褞褌褜 褟泻 锌褉邪胁懈谢褜薪芯 胁懈褏芯胁邪褌懈 写懈褌懈薪褍! 袘邪褌褜泻褨胁褋褌胁芯 - 褑械 薪邪泄胁邪卸褔懈泄 胁懈泻谢懈泻 褍 卸懈褌褌褨 谢褞写械泄. 袟胁褨褋薪芯, 屑芯卸薪邪 泄褌懈 锌褉芯褌芯锌褌邪薪芯褞 褋褌械卸泻芯褞 褨 胁懈褏芯胁褍胁邪褌懈 写褨褌械泄 蟹邪 锌褉懈泻谢邪写芯屑 褋胁芯褩褏 斜邪褌褜泻褨胁 邪斜芯 卸 芯斜褉邪褌懈 褨薪褌褍褩褌懈胁薪懈泄 锌褨写褏褨写. 孝邪 褟 锌芯褋褌褨泄薪芯 褋褍屑薪褨胁邪褞褋褟 褍 写芯褉械褔薪芯褋褌褨 褑懈褏 褕谢褟褏褨胁. 袗褉谐褍屑械薪褌 褖芯 褟 胁懈褉芯褋谢邪 芦薪芯褉屑邪谢褜薪芯褞禄 屑械薪械 薪械 锌械褉械泻芯薪褍褦 褍 写芯褑褨谢褜薪芯褋褌褨 胁懈褏芯胁薪芯褩 褋褌褉邪褌械谐褨褩 屑芯褩褏 斜邪褌褜泻褨胁. 孝芯屑褍 褖芯 褟 蟹薪邪褞 褎邪泻褌懈. 孝邪泻芯褩 褋褌褉邪褌械谐褨褩 胁芯薪懈 薪械 屑邪谢懈. 携 褏芯褔褍, 褖芯斜 屑芯褟 写懈褌懈薪邪 斜褍谢邪 褖邪褋谢懈胁芯褞, 芯褌芯褔械薪芯褞 谢褞斜芯胁鈥櫻� 褌邪 锌褉懈泄薪褟褌褌褟屑 褨 胁芯写薪芯褔邪褋 邪写邪锌褌懈胁薪芯褞 写芯 胁懈屑芯谐 褋褍褋锌褨谢褜褋褌胁邪. 袗谢械 褟泻 褑褜芯谐芯 写芯褋褟谐褌懈? 携泻 胁蟹邪谐邪谢褨 邪写邪锌褌褍胁邪褌懈褋褟 写芯 褋胁褨褌褍, 胁 褟泻芯屑褍 胁褨写斜褍胁邪褞褌褜褋褟 褌邪泻褨 锌芯写褨褩 褟泻 胁褨泄薪邪 胁 校泻褉邪褩薪褨, 褟泻 谐械薪芯褑懈写 褑褨谢芯谐芯 薪邪褉芯写褍, 屑邪褋芯胁褨 胁斜懈胁褋褌胁邪, 蟹褤胁邪谢褌褍胁邪薪薪褟 褌邪 褌芯褉褌褍褉懈? 孝邪泻, 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟 写褨褌械泄 - 褑械 褋泻谢邪写薪邪 褉褨褔, 邪 蟹邪褉邪蟹 褑械 褋褌邪谢芯 蟹邪写邪褔械褞 褨蟹 斜邪谐邪褌褜屑邪 蟹褨褉芯褔泻邪屑懈. 袟邪褉邪蟹 芯褋薪芯胁薪芯褞 薪邪褕芯褞 屑械褌芯褞 褦 胁懈卸懈胁邪薪薪褟, 邪谢械 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟 写褨褌械泄 蟹邪泻谢邪写邪褦 褌芯泄 褎褍薪写邪屑械薪褌, 褖芯 屑芯卸械 蟹邪锌芯斜褨谐褌懈 胁褨泄薪邪屑 褌邪 薪邪褋懈谢褜褋褌胁褍 褍 屑邪泄斜褍褌薪褜芯屑褍. 袧邪褋谢褨写泻懈 邪胁褌芯褉懈褌邪褉薪芯谐芯 褌邪 薪邪褋懈谢褜薪懈褑褜泻芯谐芯 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟, 褖芯 锌褉懈泄褕芯胁 蟹 小袪小袪 褨 蟹斜械褉褨谐褋褟 胁 褉芯褋褨泄褋褜泻芯屑褍 褋褍褋锌褨谢褜褋褌胁褨, 屑懈 蟹邪褉邪蟹 薪邪谐谢褟写薪芯 斜邪褔懈屑芯. 笑械 卸邪谐邪 写芯 褉褍泄薪褍胁邪薪薪褟, 胁褨写褋褍褌薪褨褋褌褜 械屑锌邪褌褨褩 褌邪 褋锌褨胁褔褍褌褌褟, 胁褨写褋褍褌薪褨褋褌褜 泻褉懈褌懈褔薪芯谐芯 屑懈褋谢械薪薪褟 褌邪 锌褉懈泄薪褟褌褌褟 褋邪屑芯褋褌褨泄薪懈褏 褉褨褕械薪褜, 薪械锌芯胁邪谐邪 写芯 褨薪褕懈褏 泻褍谢褜褌褍褉 褨 谢褞写械泄 胁褑褨谢芯屑褍.
袨褋褜 写械泻褨谢褜泻邪 胁邪卸谢懈胁懈褏 锌芯褉邪写 写谢褟 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟, 褟泻褨 褟 胁蟹褟谢邪 薪邪 芯蟹斜褉芯褦薪薪褟 蟹 褑褨褦褩 泻薪懈谐懈, 锌褨写泻褉褨锌谢械薪褨 胁褨写锌芯胁褨写薪懈屑懈 褑懈褌邪褌邪屑懈:
* 袧邪胁褔褨褌褜褋褟 谢褞斜懈褌懈 斜械蟹 褍屑芯胁
芦携 褏芯褔褍 褋褌邪褌懈 薪邪 蟹邪褏懈褋褌 褨写械褩 谢褞斜芯胁褨 斜械蟹 褍屑芯胁 褟泻 蟹邪褋芯斜褍 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟, 褖芯 斜邪蟹褍褦褌褜褋褟 褨 薪邪 芯褑褨薪薪芯屑褍 屑褨褉泻褍胁邪薪薪褨, 褨 薪邪 锌褉芯谐薪芯褋褌懈褔薪芯屑褍 斜邪褔械薪薪褨. 袨褑褨薪薪械 屑褨褉泻褍胁邪薪薪褟 鈥� 褑械 写褍卸械 锌褉芯褋褌芯: 写褨褌懈 薪械 锌芯胁懈薪薪褨 锌芯薪邪写 褍褋械 褏芯褌褨褌懈 薪邪褕芯谐芯 褋褏胁邪谢械薪薪褟. 袧邪屑 褋谢褨写 谢褞斜懈褌懈 斜械蟹 卸芯写薪懈褏 薪邪 褌械 锌褉懈褔懈薪. 袘邪 斜褨谢褜褕械, 胁邪卸谢懈胁芯 薪械 褌械, 褖芯 屑懈 谢褞斜懈屑芯 褩褏 斜械蟹蟹邪褋褌械褉械卸薪芯, 邪 褌械, 褖芯 胁芯薪懈 胁褨写褔褍胁邪褞褌褜, 褖芯 褩褏 谢褞斜谢褟褌褜 褋邪屑械 褌邪泻禄
* 蟹芯褋械褉械写褜褌械褋褟 薪邪 褌芯屑褍, 褖芯 写懈褌懈薪邪 芯褌褉懈屑褍褦
芦孝械, 褖芯 屑懈 锌芯褔褍胁邪褦屑芯 写芯 薪邪褕懈褏 写褨褌械泄, 薪械 褌邪泻 胁邪卸谢懈胁芯, 褟泻 褌械, 褟泻 写褨褌懈 褋锌褉懈泄屑邪褞褌褜 薪邪褕褨 锌芯褔褍褌褌褟 褨 褟泻 胁芯薪懈 芯褑褨薪褞褞褌褜 薪邪褕械 褋褌邪胁谢械薪薪褟 写芯 薪懈褏. 袨褋胁褨褌褟薪懈 薪邪谐邪写褍褞褌褜, 褖芯 胁邪卸谢懈胁芯 薪械 褌械, 褔芯谐芯 胁褔懈褌械谢褜 薪邪胁褔邪胁, 邪 褌械, 褖芯 蟹 褑褜芯谐芯 写褨褌懈 蟹邪褋胁芯褩谢懈. 孝邪泻 褋邪屑芯 褨 胁 褉芯写懈薪褨. 袧邪泄胁邪卸谢懈胁褨褕械 鈥� 褌械, 褖芯 写懈褌懈薪邪 芯褌褉懈屑褍褦, 邪 薪械 褌械, 褖芯 屑懈 写褍屑邪褦屑芯, 泻芯谢懈 褩泄 褖芯褋褜 邪写褉械褋褍褦屑芯.禄
* 锌邪屑鈥樠徰傂靶寡傂� 锌褉芯 写芯胁谐芯褋褌褉芯泻芯胁褨 褑褨谢褨
芦袦懈 薪邪胁褉褟写 褔懈 蟹屑芯卸械屑芯 写芯褋褟谐褌懈 薪邪褕懈褏 写芯胁谐芯褋褌褉芯泻芯胁懈褏 褑褨谢械泄 褖芯写芯 写褨褌械泄, 褟泻褖芯 薪械 谐芯褌芯胁褨 锌芯褋褌邪胁懈褌懈 蟹邪锌懈褌邪薪薪褟 褋邪屑懈屑 褋芯斜褨: 褔懈 屑芯卸谢懈胁芯, 褖芯 屑芯褟 锌芯胁械写褨薪泻邪 斜褨谢褜褕械 胁褨写锌芯胁褨写邪褦 屑芯褩屑 锌芯褌褉械斜邪屑, 褋褌褉邪褏邪屑 褨 芯褌褉懈屑邪薪芯屑褍 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褞, 薪褨卸 褨薪褌械褉械褋邪屑 屑芯褩褏 写褨褌械泄? 禄
* 薪械 蟹邪斜芯褉芯薪褟褌械 斜械蟹 锌芯褌褉械斜懈
芦效邪褋褌芯 屑懈 谐芯胁芯褉懈屑芯 锌褉芯 斜械蟹锌械泻褍, 褖芯斜 胁懈锌褉邪胁写邪褌懈 薪邪褕褨 芦薪褨禄 蟹 褨薪褕懈褏 锌褉懈褔懈薪. 袦懈 屑芯卸械屑芯 薪邪泻邪蟹邪褌懈 写褨褌褟屑 锌褉懈锌懈薪懈褌懈 褉芯斜懈褌懈 褖芯褋褜 谐械褌褜 薪械褕泻褨写谢懈胁械, 邪斜芯 卸 泻邪蟹邪褌懈 芦薪褨禄 邪胁褌芯屑邪褌懈褔薪芯, 泻芯谢懈 胁芯薪懈 锌褉芯锌芯薪褍褞褌褜 褖芯褋褜 薪械蟹胁懈褔薪械. 袉薪芯写褨 屑懈 薪械 写芯蟹胁芯谢褟褦屑芯 写懈褌懈薪褨 褉芯斜懈褌懈 褖芯褋褜 谢懈褕械 褌芯屑褍, 褖芯 褑械 薪械蟹褉褍褔薪芯 写谢褟 薪邪褋.禄
* 褍薪懈泻邪泄褌械 芯褑褨薪芯泻
芦袛芯褋谢褨写卸械薪薪褟 锌芯泻邪蟹邪谢芯, 褖芯 泻芯薪泻褍褉械薪褑褨褟 蟹写械斜褨谢褜褕芯谐芯 褌褨谢褜泻懈 褋褌褉懈屑褍褦 谢褞写械泄 胁褨写 褌芯谐芯, 褖芯斜 胁芯薪懈 锌褉邪谐薪褍谢懈 屑邪泻褋懈屑邪谢褜薪芯 胁褨写写邪胁邪褌懈褋褟 薪邪胁褔邪薪薪褞 褔懈 褉芯斜芯褌褨. 袟 褉褨蟹薪懈褏 锌褉懈褔懈薪 褟泻褨褋薪械 胁懈泻芯薪邪薪薪褟 斜褨谢褜褕芯褋褌褨 蟹邪胁写邪薪褜 薪械 谢懈褕械 薪械 胁懈屑邪谐邪褦, 褖芯斜 谢褞写懈 薪邪屑邪谐邪谢懈褋褟 芯斜褨谐薪邪褌懈 芯写薪械 芯写薪芯谐芯, 鈥� 写谢褟 褑褜芯谐芯 褌褉械斜邪, 褖芯斜 胁芯薪懈 胁蟹邪谐邪谢褨 锌褉芯 褑械 薪械 写褍屑邪谢懈. 袘芯 胁 褌邪泻懈褏 褋懈褌褍邪褑褨褟褏 薪械屑邪褦 泻芯屑锌褉芯屑褨褋褍. 携泻褖芯 屑懈 写斜邪褦屑芯 锌褉芯 泻褨薪褑械胁懈泄 褉械蟹褍谢褜褌邪褌 胁懈泻芯薪邪薪芯谐芯 蟹邪胁写邪薪薪褟, 褌芯 谐芯谢芯胁薪械 褋锌褨胁锌褉邪褑褟, 邪 薪械 泻芯薪泻褍褉械薪褑褨褟. 孝邪泻 褋邪屑芯, 褟泻 薪邪褋 锌械褉械写褍褋褨屑 褑褨泻邪胁懈褌褜 褋褌邪胁谢械薪薪褟 谢褞写械泄 写芯 褋械斜械 褨 褌械, 褟泻 褋锌褉懈泄屑邪褦 薪邪褋 芯褌芯褔械薪薪褟.禄
* 写懈胁褨褌褜褋褟 芯褔懈屑邪 胁邪褕芯褩 写懈褌懈薪懈
芦袦懈 胁械褋褜 褔邪褋 褔芯谐芯褋褜 薪邪胁褔邪褦屑芯, 邪谢械, 褖芯斜 蟹鈥櫻徰佈冃残把傂�, 褔芯谐芯 褋邪屑械, 泻芯褉懈褋薪芯 锌械褉械屑泻薪褍褌懈褋褟 薪邪 褌械, 褟泻 褍褋械 斜邪褔懈褌褜 写懈褌懈薪邪. 袟谐褨写薪芯 蟹 写芯褋谢褨写卸械薪薪褟屑 (蟹胁邪卸褌械 薪邪 褑械), 械褎械泻褌 薪邪褕懈褏 写褨泄 胁懈蟹薪邪褔邪褦 薪械 褌械 锌芯胁褨写芯屑谢械薪薪褟, 褟泻械 屑懈 写褍屑邪褦屑芯, 褖芯 锌芯褋懈谢邪褦屑芯, 邪 褌械, 褖芯 褋锌褉懈泄屑邪褦 薪邪褕邪 写懈褌懈薪邪. 孝芯屑褍 写褍卸械 胁邪卸谢懈胁芯, 褔懈 胁褨写褔褍胁邪褞褌褜 写褨褌懈, 褖芯 褩褏 斜械蟹蟹邪褋褌械褉械卸薪芯 谢褞斜谢褟褌褜, 褔懈 胁胁邪卸邪褞褌褜 胁芯薪懈, 褖芯 屑邪褞褌褜 屑芯卸谢懈胁褨褋褌褜 褍褏胁邪谢褞胁邪褌懈 褉褨褕械薪薪褟, 褌芯褖芯?禄
* 写邪胁邪泄褌械 写懈褌懈薪褨 褟泻芯屑芯谐邪 斜褨谢褜褕械 胁懈斜芯褉褍
芦袧邪胁褨褌褜 薪械屑芯胁谢褟褌邪屑 屑芯卸薪邪 写芯蟹胁芯谢懈褌懈 褉芯斜懈褌懈 胁懈斜褨褉. 校 薪懈褏 写芯褋懈褌褜 褔褨褌泻械 褉芯蟹褍屑褨薪薪褟, 泻芯谢懈 胁芯薪懈 褏芯褔褍褌褜 褩褋褌懈, 褟泻 斜褨谢褜褕械 锌芯写芯斜邪褦褌褜褋褟, 泻芯谢懈 褩褏 褌褉懈屑邪褞褌褜, 写械 锌芯写芯斜邪褦褌褜褋褟, 褖芯斜 褩褏 谢芯褋泻芯褌邪谢懈, 褟泻芯褞 褨谐褉邪褕泻芯褞 胁芯薪懈 斜 蟹邪褉邪蟹 锌芯谐褉邪谢懈褋褟 褌芯褖芯. 袙邪卸谢懈胁芯, 褖芯斜 屑懈 斜褍谢懈 薪邪谢邪褕褌芯胁邪薪褨 写芯褋谢褍褏邪褌懈褋褟 写芯 褌芯谐芯, 褖芯 胁芯薪懈 薪邪屑 泻邪卸褍褌褜, 褨 薪邪屑邪谐邪褌懈褋褟 蟹邪写芯胁芯谢褜薪褟褌懈 褩褏薪褨 锌褉芯褏邪薪薪褟, 泻芯谢懈 褑械 屑芯卸谢懈胁芯, 邪 薪械 薪邪泻懈写邪谢懈 胁褋褌邪薪芯胁谢械薪懈泄 谐褉邪褎褨泻 谐芯写褍胁邪薪薪褟 褌邪 褋薪褍 褔懈 斜邪胁懈谢懈 褩褏 褌邪泻, 褟泻 胁械褋械谢芯 写谢褟 薪邪褋, 邪谢械 谐械褌褜 薪械 锌芯写芯斜邪褦褌褜褋褟 褩屑.禄
June 15, 2007
This book is one of the standards of positive parenting, and I beleive it was Kohn who coined the phrase, "Praise Junkie", which appears in this book.
The basic premise of his philosophy is that running around applauding our children for every little thing they do teaches them not only to expect praise for everything, but also that if we aren't praising them immediately, they must be doing something wrong. Thus our love must be conditional.
My favorite idea was that the constant "good job" assumes that any positive move the child may make was a fluke, and thus must be wildly praised or they'll never do it again.
Whether or not you'll like this book depends on your basic theory of children, and Kohn even mentions the trouble conservative Christians may have with the idea of unconditional parenting. If you assume children are born evil, then of course you think any good move is a fluke and must be rewarded. I personally don't think the two are mutually exclusive, though.
This book tells yo only what not to do, ie constant praise, punitive punishments, but doesn't offer much in the way of alternatives, other than citing specific examples. However, that's one of the selling points, I think. He clearly states that it is not a parenting book, rather a discussion of the idea of unconditional parenting.
While my beleifs side with kohn, I don't think praise is a bad thing if you're genuinely proud and excited about what your children are doing. Who can resist the urge to be excited about poo in the potty?
It is nice to challenge yourself to remove "good job" and "good _____" from your vocabulary, and instead state the action back at the child. "You pulled up your pants by yourself! You've never done that before! "You're growing up." I think a lot of people GJ refelexively, and my favorite one I hear is, "Good Sliding" on the playground. What?? Did they have a choice but to go down once they got on? Good use of gravity!
The basic premise of his philosophy is that running around applauding our children for every little thing they do teaches them not only to expect praise for everything, but also that if we aren't praising them immediately, they must be doing something wrong. Thus our love must be conditional.
My favorite idea was that the constant "good job" assumes that any positive move the child may make was a fluke, and thus must be wildly praised or they'll never do it again.
Whether or not you'll like this book depends on your basic theory of children, and Kohn even mentions the trouble conservative Christians may have with the idea of unconditional parenting. If you assume children are born evil, then of course you think any good move is a fluke and must be rewarded. I personally don't think the two are mutually exclusive, though.
This book tells yo only what not to do, ie constant praise, punitive punishments, but doesn't offer much in the way of alternatives, other than citing specific examples. However, that's one of the selling points, I think. He clearly states that it is not a parenting book, rather a discussion of the idea of unconditional parenting.
While my beleifs side with kohn, I don't think praise is a bad thing if you're genuinely proud and excited about what your children are doing. Who can resist the urge to be excited about poo in the potty?
It is nice to challenge yourself to remove "good job" and "good _____" from your vocabulary, and instead state the action back at the child. "You pulled up your pants by yourself! You've never done that before! "You're growing up." I think a lot of people GJ refelexively, and my favorite one I hear is, "Good Sliding" on the playground. What?? Did they have a choice but to go down once they got on? Good use of gravity!
January 26, 2019
Nu stiu ce sa spun, atata Parenting (extra, mega, super-mediatizat) strica nu alta. Ideile din carte sunt bune, adica toti ne dorim copii ECHILIBRATI din toate punctele de vedere. Dar teoria este una, iar practica ....alta.
Exemplu: copilul face crize in magazin: aceeasi situatie la 10 familii va necesita 10 rezolvari diferite. Si asta deoarece rezolvarea situatiei depinde de parinte (starea de spirit, personalitate....) si de copil (varsta in primul rand, personalitate, s.a.m.d.). Adica degeaba incerci sa ii explici logic la 2 ani, in plina criza pentru ca:
1 - nu te aude din cauza tipetelor
2 - nu intelege logica ta
Ciudat iarasi, nu e bine sa: tipi la copil, il pedepsesti trimitandu-l in camera lui, il plesnesti peste fund, ii spui "bravo" sau sa ii dai recompense (cand face ceva bine, initial expertii in parenting te invatau taman asta!!?), adica ce mai ramane?
In concluzie, nu exista o rezolvare stass pentru orice situatie, te descurci cum poti alegand varianta cea mai putin rea?!
Exemplu: copilul face crize in magazin: aceeasi situatie la 10 familii va necesita 10 rezolvari diferite. Si asta deoarece rezolvarea situatiei depinde de parinte (starea de spirit, personalitate....) si de copil (varsta in primul rand, personalitate, s.a.m.d.). Adica degeaba incerci sa ii explici logic la 2 ani, in plina criza pentru ca:
1 - nu te aude din cauza tipetelor
2 - nu intelege logica ta
Ciudat iarasi, nu e bine sa: tipi la copil, il pedepsesti trimitandu-l in camera lui, il plesnesti peste fund, ii spui "bravo" sau sa ii dai recompense (cand face ceva bine, initial expertii in parenting te invatau taman asta!!?), adica ce mai ramane?
In concluzie, nu exista o rezolvare stass pentru orice situatie, te descurci cum poti alegand varianta cea mai putin rea?!
September 15, 2015
脰zg眉r Bolat鈥櫮� okur musunuz? Ben yaz谋lar谋n谋 莽ok severek okurum, bence 莽ok de臒erli bir e臒itimci. Ko艧ulsuz Ebeveynlik kitab谋n谋 okurken s谋k s谋k 脰zg眉r Bolat鈥櫮眓 yaz谋lar谋yla paralellikler yakalad谋m, hatta 眉艧enmedim birka莽 eski yaz谋s谋n谋 tekrar okudum. Kendisinin referans verdi臒i yazarlardan birinin de Alfie Kohn oldu臒unu g枚r眉nce hi莽 艧a艧谋rmad谋m. 陌kisinin en 枚nemli ortak noktas谋 bence, 莽ocuk b眉y眉t眉rken g眉n眉 kurtarmaya ve itaatk芒r bir nesil yeti艧tirmeye de臒il, bug眉n眉n 莽ocuklar谋n谋n gelece臒in yeti艧kinleri olaca臒谋 ger莽e臒ine odaklanmalar谋.
Kitap yorumunun tamam谋:
Kitap yorumunun tamam谋:
August 10, 2023
Het idee van deze opvoedstijl spreekt me heel erg aan, maar de uitwerking in dit boek niet.
Dit boek is naar mijn schatting 90% 'dit moet je niet doen'. Dat werkt niet vind ik. Als je me vertelt wat ik niet moet doen, moet daar tegenover staan wat ik wel zou moeten doen of hoe ik zo'n situatie dan wel aan zou moeten pakken.
Daarnaast vond ik de uitwerking voor het kind soms ook erg liefdeloos overkomen juist weer. Idealiter meng je dit waarschijnlijk met andere opvoedstijlen tot iets waar je je prettig bij voelt, maar ik vond het boek gewoon heel erg extreem in de uitwerking.
Dit boek is naar mijn schatting 90% 'dit moet je niet doen'. Dat werkt niet vind ik. Als je me vertelt wat ik niet moet doen, moet daar tegenover staan wat ik wel zou moeten doen of hoe ik zo'n situatie dan wel aan zou moeten pakken.
Daarnaast vond ik de uitwerking voor het kind soms ook erg liefdeloos overkomen juist weer. Idealiter meng je dit waarschijnlijk met andere opvoedstijlen tot iets waar je je prettig bij voelt, maar ik vond het boek gewoon heel erg extreem in de uitwerking.
October 7, 2020
Super succinct summary: rewarding/punishing your kids for behavior will (dis)incentivize that behavior. But your true goal for your kids is probably not a particular behavior (obedience, good grades, sports success). It's something deeper: integrity, independence, resilience, kindness, etc. Those qualities cannot be rewarded directly. Kids develop them through introspection, role models (you, their peers), and experience. And they cannot develop them at all unless their baser needs for safety, belonging, and love are met. Your job is to meet those needs unconditionally, so they can be secure in taking real risks as they learn and grow.
June 13, 2017
鈥淒o everything possible to help her fall in love with what she鈥檚 doing, to pay less attention to how successful she was (or is likely to be) and show more interest in the task. That鈥檚 just another way of saying that we need to encourage more, judge less, and love always.鈥�
I鈥檓 currently 18 and not a parent but both my parents love this book and so I have heard a lot about Alfie Kohn. My mum first read it when I was little (although there is a mystery of her thinking she read it when I was a toddler but the publication date being 2005...strange), it's one of her favorite parenting books and she has since read it at least 4 times, my dad has also read it multiple times. It鈥檚 safe to say this book has had some influence in the way I was raised.
When I was maybe 8 or 9, we were listening to an audio version of it as a family on a car journey, or at least my parents were, me and my sibling鈥檚 only interest in it was to 1) make fun of the narrators accent and 2) make fun of the book (we were that age, ok). Fast forward 10 years and during a few different conversations with my parents about the way we treat other people and different parenting styles etc. they kept referring back to Alfie Kohn and the things he says in this and some of his other books. I trust my parents way more than my 8 year old self and the things they were quoting resonated with my current thoughts a lot so I decided to give this book a try.
It鈥檚 really good. And I mean really, really good. I will definitely be re-reading it in physical form (I listened to the audiobook) at some point so I can copy out the parts I particularly love and if I ever do become a parent this book will definitely be out again then! Here are some highlights:-
I don鈥檛 know if this book is any good for parents but as a person who鈥檚 been a child, basically a person in general, the ideas in this book make so much sense to me. There are so many other points that I didn鈥檛 mention so I鈥檇 definitely recommend that you read the book.
I鈥檓 currently 18 and not a parent but both my parents love this book and so I have heard a lot about Alfie Kohn. My mum first read it when I was little (although there is a mystery of her thinking she read it when I was a toddler but the publication date being 2005...strange), it's one of her favorite parenting books and she has since read it at least 4 times, my dad has also read it multiple times. It鈥檚 safe to say this book has had some influence in the way I was raised.
When I was maybe 8 or 9, we were listening to an audio version of it as a family on a car journey, or at least my parents were, me and my sibling鈥檚 only interest in it was to 1) make fun of the narrators accent and 2) make fun of the book (we were that age, ok). Fast forward 10 years and during a few different conversations with my parents about the way we treat other people and different parenting styles etc. they kept referring back to Alfie Kohn and the things he says in this and some of his other books. I trust my parents way more than my 8 year old self and the things they were quoting resonated with my current thoughts a lot so I decided to give this book a try.
It鈥檚 really good. And I mean really, really good. I will definitely be re-reading it in physical form (I listened to the audiobook) at some point so I can copy out the parts I particularly love and if I ever do become a parent this book will definitely be out again then! Here are some highlights:-
鈥淗ow we feel about our kids isn't as important as how they experience those feelings and how they regard the way we treat them.鈥�You can keep telling yourself (and them) that you love them and you鈥檙e doing it for their better interests but actions speak louder than words and it鈥檚 up to the person to decide who they trust, respect and believe!
Rewards and punishments turn children鈥檚 attention onto themselves; 鈥榳hat will happen to me if I (share, hit him, say thank you etc)鈥� rather than 鈥榳hat will happen to him and how will he feel if I (you get the point)鈥�This was something that Alfie put into words so well. Read the book just for this point (I don鈥檛 have specific quotes but it鈥檚 a recurring theme). What kind of people do you look up to, want to know and be friends with? People who are considerate, kind and look out for you or people who only do stuff for you if there is something in it for them.
Discussion rather than punishment.Telling a child to go to their room after they hit someone isn鈥檛 going to magically make them realise that they hurt another person especially if they鈥檙e very young when this event occurs. By discussing what happened you can help children to learn that their actions do have consequences but that those consequences are not going to their room or getting grounded, they are that other people will be affected, they may get hurt and upset etc.
No one is perfect. Please don鈥檛 pretend to be because of your children.Your job as a parent is to help your children to learn, discover and explore the world. Show them that people do make mistakes, they are sad sometimes, nobody knows everything and everyone needs help some of the time. If a child sees everyone else as perfect but knows that they are not, what will the repercussions be to their self-confidence, self-love, self-worth and the way they view the world. Think resentment, regret, hatred etc. It鈥檚 not good basically.
鈥淧eople who can 鈥揳nd do- think about how others experience the world are more likely to reach out and help those people-or, at a minimum, are less likely to harm them.鈥�Perspective. Try and see the world from the child鈥檚 point of view. Show them how to think about other people and realise they have feelings and thoughts too and are the centre of their universe just like you're the centre of yours. After talking a little about how war is a 鈥渕onstrous failure of imagination鈥� Alfie then goes on to say 鈥淟ess dramatically, many of the social problems we encounter on a daily basis can be understood as a failure of perspective taking. [鈥 To work on seeing things as others see them is to live a very different sort of life.鈥�
I don鈥檛 know if this book is any good for parents but as a person who鈥檚 been a child, basically a person in general, the ideas in this book make so much sense to me. There are so many other points that I didn鈥檛 mention so I鈥檇 definitely recommend that you read the book.
December 12, 2013
This review is a little scattered, but it's my thoughts a few months after reading it and taken over a couple days. It's not well written but it gets the idea across.
Sometimes I remember reading this book and I get angry all over again. The author expects parents to be able to react perfectly in every situation and seems to believe that children are basically angels who misbehave only when they can't otherwise express themselves. While that may be true to an extent, our job as parents is not to cushion their every fall because they don't yet understand the world or their emotions, but to teach them how the world works. We can absolutely do it with compassion, but limits and structure are the best ways to go about it, not letting the child be king and then "fixing" things when they go wrong.
I think that there are countless other ways we show our children love besides reward/punishment. You can unconditionally love your kids while setting boundaries, which he seems to think are restrictive and dominating. To him, children are basically exact equals to parents, which simply isn't true. Children lack basic reasoning skills, and some brain function isn't completely developed until all the way to their 20s, so to think that we have equal status in the home and decision making is absurd.
I think the point where I lost all respect for this man was when he quoted another social scientist, who said something very close to, "Telling our children we love them may actually imply that we don't, since telling them means having to reassure them of our feelings. We should show them without having to say it."
Are you kidding me??? So if I tell my child I love her, I actually don't? Because it means I don't show it?
We are just on completely different playing fields.
I agree that it's good to find out why a child is misbehaving because there's probably frustration there they need to learn how to express and just can't yet, but it doesn't mean I won't immediately discipline my child if they are harming another person just because I need to see things from their point of view first.
He seems to think that all parents are power-hungry tyrants who will sacrifice a relationship at the cost of being right or in control. The first half of the book, he goes on and on about all the things we're doing "wrong," but offers no kind of solutions.
I agree generally with his principles of needing to be understanding, patient and reasonable, but I just think he takes it too far by letting the child set the tone of the relationship 100% and make the parent his slave.
Another review I found helpful was this one:
Sometimes I remember reading this book and I get angry all over again. The author expects parents to be able to react perfectly in every situation and seems to believe that children are basically angels who misbehave only when they can't otherwise express themselves. While that may be true to an extent, our job as parents is not to cushion their every fall because they don't yet understand the world or their emotions, but to teach them how the world works. We can absolutely do it with compassion, but limits and structure are the best ways to go about it, not letting the child be king and then "fixing" things when they go wrong.
I think that there are countless other ways we show our children love besides reward/punishment. You can unconditionally love your kids while setting boundaries, which he seems to think are restrictive and dominating. To him, children are basically exact equals to parents, which simply isn't true. Children lack basic reasoning skills, and some brain function isn't completely developed until all the way to their 20s, so to think that we have equal status in the home and decision making is absurd.
I think the point where I lost all respect for this man was when he quoted another social scientist, who said something very close to, "Telling our children we love them may actually imply that we don't, since telling them means having to reassure them of our feelings. We should show them without having to say it."
Are you kidding me??? So if I tell my child I love her, I actually don't? Because it means I don't show it?
We are just on completely different playing fields.
I agree that it's good to find out why a child is misbehaving because there's probably frustration there they need to learn how to express and just can't yet, but it doesn't mean I won't immediately discipline my child if they are harming another person just because I need to see things from their point of view first.
He seems to think that all parents are power-hungry tyrants who will sacrifice a relationship at the cost of being right or in control. The first half of the book, he goes on and on about all the things we're doing "wrong," but offers no kind of solutions.
I agree generally with his principles of needing to be understanding, patient and reasonable, but I just think he takes it too far by letting the child set the tone of the relationship 100% and make the parent his slave.
Another review I found helpful was this one:
June 27, 2008
At first I was annoyed that my husband was bugging me read this book since he was the one who bought it AND hadn't read it. Seemed like a hokey-feel-good-but-too-permissive philosophy.
Thankfully I finally got around to reading it...it has completely changed my outlook on parenting and how I interact with my kids.
Kohn's book encourages you to re-evaluate the reasons behind their actions, how to foster independence, encourage dialogue, work together to resolve dilemmas, and how to help them own the solution.
The premise being, children who feel they are respected, heard, and taken seriously are less likely to try to assert themselves at every opportunity making everything a battle.
He also goes into great detail about the damaging effects of conditional parenting be it coercion (bribes/threats), physical force, or even praise (who knew grades could have such a negative impact!!). He acknowledges that you may have your children's best interests at heart, but wants to clearly state how these methods affect them.
In all, a provocative book鈥ill definitely make you think before you act/talk. However, this new way of thinking is extremely challenging. I find myself second-guessing everything I say. Hopefully with time, it becomes second-nature. It has certainly compelled me to make an effort!
Thankfully I finally got around to reading it...it has completely changed my outlook on parenting and how I interact with my kids.
Kohn's book encourages you to re-evaluate the reasons behind their actions, how to foster independence, encourage dialogue, work together to resolve dilemmas, and how to help them own the solution.
The premise being, children who feel they are respected, heard, and taken seriously are less likely to try to assert themselves at every opportunity making everything a battle.
He also goes into great detail about the damaging effects of conditional parenting be it coercion (bribes/threats), physical force, or even praise (who knew grades could have such a negative impact!!). He acknowledges that you may have your children's best interests at heart, but wants to clearly state how these methods affect them.
In all, a provocative book鈥ill definitely make you think before you act/talk. However, this new way of thinking is extremely challenging. I find myself second-guessing everything I say. Hopefully with time, it becomes second-nature. It has certainly compelled me to make an effort!
October 5, 2020
I often find myself nodding my head in agreement while reading parenting books, because I tend to gravitate towards books that align with my current beliefs that just need some fine tuning. This book, however, did not have me nodding in agreement throughout. Although the large ideas in the book were already things I strongly agreed with, many parts of the book challenged me. Alfie had me questioning things that I believed to be "best practice" in both the classroom and at home with my toddler. When starting this book, I put a lot of focus of how my son behaves, but now I focus on our relationship and how I want that to look right now when he's 2 and when he's 40. I recommend this book to all parents who are looking for ways to foster a positive relationship with their child that honors and respects the child as their own person. Go into this book with an open mind. Chances are you will have to put aside things you've done or seen done for years.
Edit: Upon reflection, I realised how easily Alfie's guidance could be understood as passive. I don't believe that is the intention but it definitely could be understood that way. I have found Janet Lansbury's "No Bad Kids" a good guide and think it could be a good resource as well.
Edit: Upon reflection, I realised how easily Alfie's guidance could be understood as passive. I don't believe that is the intention but it definitely could be understood that way. I have found Janet Lansbury's "No Bad Kids" a good guide and think it could be a good resource as well.
March 12, 2012
Too theoretical, with not enough practical advice. I love the idea of showing our children that we love them unconditionally. I would have just liked this book to give some more examples of how to show that love while still guiding the children to behave appropriately. The author asserts that we should literally never praise our children, because the kids will start to think that we love them only when they are doing something well. I think that is insane. How is a child supposed to know he accomplished something worthwhile if nobody is there to tell him "Way to go! You did it!"
I agree with the author that rewarding a child for doing a task takes away the intrinsic enjoyment that the child may have gotten from it. I also agree that traditional punishments are seldom affective, which is why they have to be repeated so often. But I disagree with his assertion that allowing a child to feel the natural consequences of his misbehavior is the same thing as punishing the child. I am a HUGE fan of natural consequences, and I try to look for them whenever I can.
Basically this book was very strong on the "what not to do" side, and weak on the "do this instead" side.
I agree with the author that rewarding a child for doing a task takes away the intrinsic enjoyment that the child may have gotten from it. I also agree that traditional punishments are seldom affective, which is why they have to be repeated so often. But I disagree with his assertion that allowing a child to feel the natural consequences of his misbehavior is the same thing as punishing the child. I am a HUGE fan of natural consequences, and I try to look for them whenever I can.
Basically this book was very strong on the "what not to do" side, and weak on the "do this instead" side.
June 3, 2022
If you believe in the humanity in children and in growing their own sense of individuality then this book is for you.
I enjoyed every bit of it, the author explains so many concepts that revolves around refraining from all traditional parenting theories such as stick and carrot, permissiveness, over-controlling, time-outs and heavy expectations. Basically, our worst fears of becoming everything we once feared we would be.
I loved this book and the author鈥檚 approach to some thoughtful ideas such as: Unconditional love, perspective taking, dialogue and planning good memories ahead of time.
Parenting is a journey and while this book equips the reader with some tools to navigate parenthood but it doesn鈥檛 promise an easy journey nonetheless.
What I found interesting about this book also is the fact that so many of its proposed ideas seem unbelievable at first but after some time you start to think about it and relate your own childhood and it changes you completely.
This is the kind of book that plants thought seeds into your head and it grows to have a life of its own as time passes by.
I enjoyed every bit of it, the author explains so many concepts that revolves around refraining from all traditional parenting theories such as stick and carrot, permissiveness, over-controlling, time-outs and heavy expectations. Basically, our worst fears of becoming everything we once feared we would be.
I loved this book and the author鈥檚 approach to some thoughtful ideas such as: Unconditional love, perspective taking, dialogue and planning good memories ahead of time.
Parenting is a journey and while this book equips the reader with some tools to navigate parenthood but it doesn鈥檛 promise an easy journey nonetheless.
What I found interesting about this book also is the fact that so many of its proposed ideas seem unbelievable at first but after some time you start to think about it and relate your own childhood and it changes you completely.
This is the kind of book that plants thought seeds into your head and it grows to have a life of its own as time passes by.
December 11, 2016
Un 卯ndrum膬tor exceptional pentru cei ce doresc sa cunoasca si/sau aplice parentingul neconditionat bazat pe multa afectiune, rabdare, cooperare, si intelegere a copilului.
Autorul nu isi impune nici propria pozitie ai nici solutii concrete general valabile, ci prezent芒nd argumente, explicatii, statistici, si adopt芒nd o alta perspectiva a problemelor, ii ajuta pe parintii-cititori sa vad膬 cealalta parte a monedei.
Nu voi intra mult in detalii despre carte deoarece despre ea ori nu vorbesti deloc ori daca 卯ncepi sa vorbesti nu te mai poti opri.
Recomand tuturor p膬rin葲ilor sa o citeasc膬 cel putin o data,chiar si celor care sunt adep葲i ai parentingului traditional,听 cel putin pentru interes :) Si va garantez ca nu veti regreta de timpul acordat ei :)
Autorul nu isi impune nici propria pozitie ai nici solutii concrete general valabile, ci prezent芒nd argumente, explicatii, statistici, si adopt芒nd o alta perspectiva a problemelor, ii ajuta pe parintii-cititori sa vad膬 cealalta parte a monedei.
Nu voi intra mult in detalii despre carte deoarece despre ea ori nu vorbesti deloc ori daca 卯ncepi sa vorbesti nu te mai poti opri.
Recomand tuturor p膬rin葲ilor sa o citeasc膬 cel putin o data,chiar si celor care sunt adep葲i ai parentingului traditional,听 cel putin pentru interes :) Si va garantez ca nu veti regreta de timpul acordat ei :)
Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,040 reviews
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get help and learn more about the design.