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袛芯褉芯褋谢褨 写褨褌懈 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 薪械蟹褉褨谢懈褏 斜邪褌褜泻褨胁
携泻褖芯 胁懈 胁懈褉芯褋谢懈 锌芯褉褍褔 蟹 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 薪械蟹褉褨谢懈屑懈 斜邪褌褜泻邪屑懈, 胁邪屑 蟹薪邪泄芯屑褨 锌芯褋褌褨泄薪褨 胁褨写褔褍褌褌褟 褋邪屑芯褌薪芯褋褌褨 邪斜芯 薪械胁锌械胁薪械薪芯褋褌褨 褍 胁谢邪褋薪懈褏 褋懈谢邪褏. 袩芯写褍屑泻懈 胁懈 蟹薪芯胁褍 泄 蟹薪芯胁褍 锌芯胁械褉褌邪褦褌械褋褟 胁 写懈褌懈薪褋褌胁芯 褨 胁褨写褔褍胁邪褦褌械, 褟泻 斜谢懈蟹褜泻褨 薪械褏褌褍褞褌褜 胁邪褕懈屑懈 械屑芯褑褨泄薪懈屑懈 锌芯褌褉械斜邪屑懈 褌邪 褨谐薪芯褉褍褞褌褜 胁邪褕褨 锌芯褔褍褌褌褟.
袦芯卸谢懈胁芯, 胁懈 蟹邪褉邪薪芯 褋褌邪谢懈 锌芯胁芯写懈褌懈褋褟, 褟泻 写芯褉芯褋谢邪 谢褞写懈薪邪, 褟泻邪 斜褨谢褜褕械 薪械 锌芯褌褉械斜褍褦 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯褩 写芯锌芯屑芯谐懈. 袗斜芯 胁懈 褋邪屑械 蟹邪褉邪蟹 蟹薪邪褏芯写懈褌械褋褟 胁 褌芯泻褋懈褔薪懈褏 褋褌芯褋褍薪泻邪褏 蟹 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 薪械蟹褉褨谢芯褞 谢褞写懈薪芯褞 褨 锌褉邪谐薪械褌械 蟹褉芯蟹褍屑褨褌懈, 褟泻 斜褍褌懈 写邪谢褨.
袦芯卸谢懈胁芯, 胁懈 蟹邪褉邪薪芯 褋褌邪谢懈 锌芯胁芯写懈褌懈褋褟, 褟泻 写芯褉芯褋谢邪 谢褞写懈薪邪, 褟泻邪 斜褨谢褜褕械 薪械 锌芯褌褉械斜褍褦 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯褩 写芯锌芯屑芯谐懈. 袗斜芯 胁懈 褋邪屑械 蟹邪褉邪蟹 蟹薪邪褏芯写懈褌械褋褟 胁 褌芯泻褋懈褔薪懈褏 褋褌芯褋褍薪泻邪褏 蟹 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 薪械蟹褉褨谢芯褞 谢褞写懈薪芯褞 褨 锌褉邪谐薪械褌械 蟹褉芯蟹褍屑褨褌懈, 褟泻 斜褍褌懈 写邪谢褨.
240 pages, Paperback
First published June 1, 2015
23335 people are currently reading
150263 people want to read
About the author
Lindsay C. Gibson
16听books1,120听followersLindsay C. Gibson, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist in private practice who specializes in individual psychotherapy with adult children of emotionally immature parents. She is author of Who You Were Meant to Be, and writes a monthly column on well-being for Tidewater Women magazine. In the past she has served as an adjunct assistant professor of graduate psychology for the College of William and Mary, as well as for Old Dominion University. Gibson lives and practices in Virginia Beach, Virginia.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 7,937 reviews
August 26, 2018
Hands down one of the best Psychology books I have ever read. I love this book so, so much. As anyone who has read my blog knows, I grew up with pretty awful (i.e., abusive) parents, so this book validated my experiences in such a profound way. I appreciate how Lindsey Gibson honors the emotional experience of growing up with an emotionally immature parent through her immense empathy and compassion. She makes space for the suffering and the painful yet necessary transformation of a helpless child to a self-aware adult. She writes like a warm therapist or friend who stands by your side, as opposed to a cold or detached professional. Throughout the book, she provides a ton of important research-based information too, like the four types of emotionally immature parents and various findings about attachment patterns.
I most loved how Gibson provides specific, tangible strategies for improving your ability to handle difficult emotions as well as techniques to develop healthy, reciprocal relationships. I believe that everyone could benefit from reading these sections - and this book as a whole - as Gibson's insights apply to handling all emotionally immature people, not just parents. For example, she provides a thorough list of traits and behaviors of emotionally mature people at the end of the book that amazed me with its accuracy and understanding of humans.
Ten out of five stars to this gem. I know I will come back to it both for my personal life and for my work as a mental health professional.
I most loved how Gibson provides specific, tangible strategies for improving your ability to handle difficult emotions as well as techniques to develop healthy, reciprocal relationships. I believe that everyone could benefit from reading these sections - and this book as a whole - as Gibson's insights apply to handling all emotionally immature people, not just parents. For example, she provides a thorough list of traits and behaviors of emotionally mature people at the end of the book that amazed me with its accuracy and understanding of humans.
Ten out of five stars to this gem. I know I will come back to it both for my personal life and for my work as a mental health professional.
March 22, 2016
Agh! I want to give this book five stars soooo badly, but there is one thing holding me back. The book talks in detail about emotionally immature parents, and how to recognize the behaviors. It also talks at length about internalizing and externalizing as responses to those behaviors.
What it doesn't talk about is recognizing those same emotionally immature behaviors in yourself, and what you can do to mature in those areas. Of course, we'll have reactions to the behaviors of our parents, but many of us adopted those same behaviors, and would like to avoid making those same mistakes in our relationships now. I would've loved a section just before the end summary of each section that had 2-3 concrete exercises to help not behave in those emotionally immature ways.
Why does this seemingly small criticism knock it down a full star? Maybe I'm an extreme internalizer ;-) but I found it sometimes hard to focus on the sections about why I deserved more while I was too busy worrying, "but I do that. And that! Oh no..."
But, that being said, it's absolutely worth reading, I loved it. It was so helpful and has a really good balance of non-emotionally identifying immature behaviors and offering new attitudes and behaviors. I am so hoping that there's a sequel about not falling into emotionally immature behaviors ourselves.
What it doesn't talk about is recognizing those same emotionally immature behaviors in yourself, and what you can do to mature in those areas. Of course, we'll have reactions to the behaviors of our parents, but many of us adopted those same behaviors, and would like to avoid making those same mistakes in our relationships now. I would've loved a section just before the end summary of each section that had 2-3 concrete exercises to help not behave in those emotionally immature ways.
Why does this seemingly small criticism knock it down a full star? Maybe I'm an extreme internalizer ;-) but I found it sometimes hard to focus on the sections about why I deserved more while I was too busy worrying, "but I do that. And that! Oh no..."
But, that being said, it's absolutely worth reading, I loved it. It was so helpful and has a really good balance of non-emotionally identifying immature behaviors and offering new attitudes and behaviors. I am so hoping that there's a sequel about not falling into emotionally immature behaviors ourselves.
June 1, 2019
Two words: Life altering.
It's hard to review such a book without getting personal. I'm not interested in sharing my dirty laundry or my family's, but this book has completely changed my life.
I learned I wasn't alone, and I learned many "whys." More importantly, beyond explaining the "hows" and "whys," the author gave tools for interacting with family, finding and making new emotionally mature relationships, inner change, and more.
I would pick up more of Gibson's work in a heartbeat. I'm eternally grateful.
It's hard to review such a book without getting personal. I'm not interested in sharing my dirty laundry or my family's, but this book has completely changed my life.
I learned I wasn't alone, and I learned many "whys." More importantly, beyond explaining the "hows" and "whys," the author gave tools for interacting with family, finding and making new emotionally mature relationships, inner change, and more.
I would pick up more of Gibson's work in a heartbeat. I'm eternally grateful.
August 1, 2023
I avoided this one for a good minute.
For some reason I just 鈥榳asn鈥檛 in the mood鈥� for it.
But I鈥檒l be ding danged if it didn鈥檛 hit the bullseye 馃幆
Sometimes we (I) avoid the the best stuff, and go for the close but not quite thing, or even the wrong thing altogether.
Funny how that works.
And that鈥檚 kind of what this book is about.
It鈥檚 about how being emotionally neglected in childhood, by an emotionally immature or self absorbed parent, can get you in the habit of 鈥榩utting out fire with gasoline鈥�, and can keep you 鈥榣ookin for love in all the wrong places鈥� (as an 80鈥檚 pop song can attest).
How so you ask?
Well you have to read the book to find out.
But it 鈥榞oes a little something like this, hit it鈥�.
Author Lindsay Gibson defines emotionally immature parenting as typified by a pervasive inability to be present and attentive to the child鈥檚 emotional experiences.
According to Gibson, emotionally immature, or self absorbed parents are blind to their children鈥檚 emotional word for a variety of reasons, most commonly due to their own abuse and neglect in childhood, as well as trauma, addiction, mental illness etc.
Anyway, for what ever reason, the emotionally immature parent(s) can鈥檛 sooth or validate their children鈥檚 emotions.
Left to fend for themselves, these emotionally neglected children may adopt an internalizing or externalizing coping style.
Internalizing: refers to the tendency to seek emotional soothing by becoming self-reliant, and retreating inwardly e.g. utilizing psychological defenses and traits such as dissociation and/or creative fantasy for emotional comfort.
Internalizers are vulnerable to trauma depression and anxiety, but are also prone to self awareness, insight and empathy.
Externalizing: refers to the tendency to seek emotional soothing externally in relationships, objects and behaviors.
Externalizers are vulnerable to substance use, emotional outbursts, vandalism, crime etc. but are also prone to hard driving high achievement.
The author reports that internalizers are the ones that typically seek therapy voluntarily, often in their 30鈥檚 after a divorce or other relationship problems.
But externalizers end up in therapy too, usually due to legal troubles or substance abuse etc.
In both cases, children of emotionally immature parents 鈥榞row up quickly鈥� out of sheer necessity to take care of them selves, or to take care of their parents.
In such cases, childhood offers little advantages and too many restrictions.
These 鈥榣ittle grownups鈥� speed towards adulthood and independence, but at a very high price that they only become aware of later in life.
Growing up fast is exciting, but you miss out on important developmentally appropriate milestones and often find yourself behind your peers in someway or another.
Children of emotionally immature parents frequently want to change the way their parents feel.
But the author emphatically warns against this claiming 鈥測ou can鈥檛 change someone who doesn鈥檛 want to change鈥�.
The author observers that children of emotionally immature parents often harbor a fantasy that if they can just engage emotionally with their parent, in just the right way, then they will finally be seen and understood, and the parent will change their emotionally neglectful, self absorbed ways.
No!!!
That鈥檚 never going to happen.
Take that fantasy and draw a big barsinister through it 馃毇.
This fantasy may take the form of endless emotional demonstrations, conversations and confrontations that leave the emotionally immature parents feeing uncomfortable and defensive and leave the adult child feeling wounded and unsupported all over again.
This dynamic often gets reenacted in adult relationships with partners, whereby the adult child of emotionally immature parents seeks out partners who are emotionally similar to their problematic parental relationship.
You know.
That 鈥榮ame relationship different person鈥� cycle.
#Nightmare
The author posits that if theses dynamics go unidentified, unprocessed and unresolved, than they can dominate and ruin your love, friendship and work relationships, and (perhaps most disturbingly) may be transmitted to your children trans-generationally.
The author has TONS of good advice about what can be done. But perhaps most immediately effective are the following.
Boundaries: identify how long you can be in contact with your emotionally immature parent, without loosing your objectivity and without becoming emotionally reactive, and limit your contact with the parent, not to exceed that amount.
Limit your conversations to non contentious topics. And (warning) be prepared for the subject to almost always come back to them.
Accept and Manage: rather than endlessly emotionally engaging with the parent, the author recommends accepting that you can鈥檛 change someone else鈥檚 emotional reality with yours.
In other words, let go of your fantasy that they will finally see understand your perspective and drop the rope on the emotional tug of war that鈥檚 exhausting both of you.
Surrender.
You鈥檒l win by loosing.
Trust me on this one.
The author instead recommends remaining observational and outcome driven.
Observe the parents current level of capacity. Identify achievable, realistic goals you can accomplish together, and stick to those.
This book is LOADED to the gills with wisdom, intelligence and excellent advice (a rarity to be sure).
If you鈥檙e curious.
Get it.
If this book is your jam, you will know within the first chapter.
If it is.
Than this book might help you finally find your way home to the sanity and serenity you have been seeking.
Awesome Read 馃槏
For some reason I just 鈥榳asn鈥檛 in the mood鈥� for it.
But I鈥檒l be ding danged if it didn鈥檛 hit the bullseye 馃幆
Sometimes we (I) avoid the the best stuff, and go for the close but not quite thing, or even the wrong thing altogether.
Funny how that works.
And that鈥檚 kind of what this book is about.
It鈥檚 about how being emotionally neglected in childhood, by an emotionally immature or self absorbed parent, can get you in the habit of 鈥榩utting out fire with gasoline鈥�, and can keep you 鈥榣ookin for love in all the wrong places鈥� (as an 80鈥檚 pop song can attest).
How so you ask?
Well you have to read the book to find out.
But it 鈥榞oes a little something like this, hit it鈥�.
Author Lindsay Gibson defines emotionally immature parenting as typified by a pervasive inability to be present and attentive to the child鈥檚 emotional experiences.
According to Gibson, emotionally immature, or self absorbed parents are blind to their children鈥檚 emotional word for a variety of reasons, most commonly due to their own abuse and neglect in childhood, as well as trauma, addiction, mental illness etc.
Anyway, for what ever reason, the emotionally immature parent(s) can鈥檛 sooth or validate their children鈥檚 emotions.
Left to fend for themselves, these emotionally neglected children may adopt an internalizing or externalizing coping style.
Internalizing: refers to the tendency to seek emotional soothing by becoming self-reliant, and retreating inwardly e.g. utilizing psychological defenses and traits such as dissociation and/or creative fantasy for emotional comfort.
Internalizers are vulnerable to trauma depression and anxiety, but are also prone to self awareness, insight and empathy.
Externalizing: refers to the tendency to seek emotional soothing externally in relationships, objects and behaviors.
Externalizers are vulnerable to substance use, emotional outbursts, vandalism, crime etc. but are also prone to hard driving high achievement.
The author reports that internalizers are the ones that typically seek therapy voluntarily, often in their 30鈥檚 after a divorce or other relationship problems.
But externalizers end up in therapy too, usually due to legal troubles or substance abuse etc.
In both cases, children of emotionally immature parents 鈥榞row up quickly鈥� out of sheer necessity to take care of them selves, or to take care of their parents.
In such cases, childhood offers little advantages and too many restrictions.
These 鈥榣ittle grownups鈥� speed towards adulthood and independence, but at a very high price that they only become aware of later in life.
Growing up fast is exciting, but you miss out on important developmentally appropriate milestones and often find yourself behind your peers in someway or another.
Children of emotionally immature parents frequently want to change the way their parents feel.
But the author emphatically warns against this claiming 鈥測ou can鈥檛 change someone who doesn鈥檛 want to change鈥�.
The author observers that children of emotionally immature parents often harbor a fantasy that if they can just engage emotionally with their parent, in just the right way, then they will finally be seen and understood, and the parent will change their emotionally neglectful, self absorbed ways.
No!!!
That鈥檚 never going to happen.
Take that fantasy and draw a big barsinister through it 馃毇.
This fantasy may take the form of endless emotional demonstrations, conversations and confrontations that leave the emotionally immature parents feeing uncomfortable and defensive and leave the adult child feeling wounded and unsupported all over again.
This dynamic often gets reenacted in adult relationships with partners, whereby the adult child of emotionally immature parents seeks out partners who are emotionally similar to their problematic parental relationship.
You know.
That 鈥榮ame relationship different person鈥� cycle.
#Nightmare
The author posits that if theses dynamics go unidentified, unprocessed and unresolved, than they can dominate and ruin your love, friendship and work relationships, and (perhaps most disturbingly) may be transmitted to your children trans-generationally.
The author has TONS of good advice about what can be done. But perhaps most immediately effective are the following.
Boundaries: identify how long you can be in contact with your emotionally immature parent, without loosing your objectivity and without becoming emotionally reactive, and limit your contact with the parent, not to exceed that amount.
Limit your conversations to non contentious topics. And (warning) be prepared for the subject to almost always come back to them.
Accept and Manage: rather than endlessly emotionally engaging with the parent, the author recommends accepting that you can鈥檛 change someone else鈥檚 emotional reality with yours.
In other words, let go of your fantasy that they will finally see understand your perspective and drop the rope on the emotional tug of war that鈥檚 exhausting both of you.
Surrender.
You鈥檒l win by loosing.
Trust me on this one.
The author instead recommends remaining observational and outcome driven.
Observe the parents current level of capacity. Identify achievable, realistic goals you can accomplish together, and stick to those.
This book is LOADED to the gills with wisdom, intelligence and excellent advice (a rarity to be sure).
If you鈥檙e curious.
Get it.
If this book is your jam, you will know within the first chapter.
If it is.
Than this book might help you finally find your way home to the sanity and serenity you have been seeking.
Awesome Read 馃槏
January 20, 2021
Here is how my reading experience was:
- 50% vigorous head nodding and delight to have the right language for my lived experiences
- 20% gasping due to incisive and hyper-specific instances that I could relate to clearly
- 20% itch to share snippets with certain people in my life who would benefit from this 'enlightenment', and
- 10% desire to go back in time, print this out, and chant it like a mantra every year of my adolescent life.
Written by a clinical psychologist, this was surprisingly neither too academic nor too 'self-helpy'. A friend on finding out that I am reading this book said to me, "this is what i have spent the last 2 years in therapy trying to process/unpack, and i am so glad to have found this book."
There is power in this book, and it could be a terrific read - but only if you're the right audience for it. I know I am.
- 50% vigorous head nodding and delight to have the right language for my lived experiences
- 20% gasping due to incisive and hyper-specific instances that I could relate to clearly
- 20% itch to share snippets with certain people in my life who would benefit from this 'enlightenment', and
- 10% desire to go back in time, print this out, and chant it like a mantra every year of my adolescent life.
Written by a clinical psychologist, this was surprisingly neither too academic nor too 'self-helpy'. A friend on finding out that I am reading this book said to me, "this is what i have spent the last 2 years in therapy trying to process/unpack, and i am so glad to have found this book."
There is power in this book, and it could be a terrific read - but only if you're the right audience for it. I know I am.
May 22, 2025
Welcome aboard the train wreck of my life!
I鈥檓 glad you鈥檙e here.
My therapist recommended this book. Yep. I have a therapist now.
Didn鈥檛 I tell you that I鈥檓 heartbroken? I lead a quiet life, a small life, and I am frightfully alone, afraid that I will leave this world unseen.
If you want a hoot, I highly recommend checking the notes and highlights I shared (sorry only available on desktop, not GoodReads app).
When I grew up, my parents were both bottom 10 percent parents. Between my father and stepmother, there were 5 children. All of them ran away except me.
Certain emotions were not tolerated. 鈥淕o to your room, you crybaby! Get out of my sight!鈥� In addition to the emotional abuse, I was subject to lashings and slaps. To this day, I still have nightmares because I had to practice jumping out the window to plan my escape if things got too bad!
To avoid being on the receiving end of wrath, I attempted to be invisible.
This book talks about Traits Associated with Emotional Immaturity, and it was quite enlightening.
My father used to rely on a saying, "Children are resilient." This was used to absolve him of all responsibility for the absolute horrors that were inflicted upon me. I wasn't resilient. My parents broke me so profoundly me that it has impacted my life every single day for the past 30 years.
Years after I left the house of horrors, I received an application. My father wanted to host a foster child. Would I support his grant of a foster child? I wrote a resounding no in reply, pleading on behalf of the child that he or she would never know stability.
What was my father's response? Was it a gesture of healing?
He laughed. That's right. He laughed and said, "You weren't the only one to write a negative response."
Fast forward to today. For the last two years, although I was seeking emotional intimacy, I became enmeshed with another person.
How are you supposed to feel when you discover that the person you adore doesn鈥檛 care about you? That when you reach out your hand and know no one will take it. That everything you gave, everything you said, every whispered moment, being the first and last text meant nothing.
This book helped me understand that he wants to live in the moment, forgetting the past hurts, not planning the future, only doing what feels good in the moment.
He still wonders why he would have to work on being my friend.
Let鈥檚 take a look:
He didn鈥檛 ask me if I needed anything. He didn鈥檛 offer to send money to cover our business supplies when we parted ways. He didn鈥檛 bother to ask me about my big project coming up. He didn鈥檛 say Happy Mother鈥檚 Day. He didn鈥檛 once read to me from Walden (our favorite book). He didn鈥檛 ask to call me. Hey, I know you love the sound of my voice. He didn鈥檛 say hey I am glad you are here or it is nice to hear from you or I missed you or I really appreciate all that you have done. He didn鈥檛 provide comfort to me when I reached out for help despite always dropping everything without hesitation for him. He didn鈥檛 show up when we had arranged to meet. He didn鈥檛 protect me.
He did deny my feelings, telling me I shouldn鈥檛 feel that way. He did blame me. He refused to pick up a book for me even though I had just spent weeks getting his business open. He did not keep his word. He made excuses. He sold the first book that we ever produced, the first time my design became a reality, despite pleading with him not to. He would storm out over minor things, never knowing if he was coming back. He gave me IOU鈥檚 on every holiday. He did accuse me of saying things that I never said over and over, even when I was newly released from the hospital, hunched over in pain, and begging him to stop. He made it about himself when I needed him the most.
And yet I care about this person more than any other. I am anxious when he is not around. I wonder where he is. I wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder if he has already forgotten me. Is he wearing our friendship bracelet?
Deep down, my heart cries for his validation. The one set of applause that matters. I desire for him to see me, genuinely appreciate me, and heal my soul. Compliments from the heart, not cajoled. Where he will one day, direct his full attention to me, with his eyes locked on mine, he will make me feel fully seen and understood. Ask me how I feel. Ask me what he can do for me. Even if the world is crumbling, I will finally feel safe in the world.
He has asked me several times, "But why do we have to work at being friends?" I am ready to answer that now. Because I am hurt, and I am worth the effort. Because I have endured more than any human being should endure. Because, despite the many hours that we have spent together, you may not have realized that I have PTSD, and this type of behaviour retraumatizes me.
But this book says you can鈥檛 change someone who doesn鈥檛 want to be changed. You can鈥檛 drag someone into emotional maturity. Trust me. I tried.
In my head, I know I need to let this person go. My heart doesn鈥檛 understand this. My heart has infinite hope.
So I鈥檓 going to practice a technique from the book, 鈥淓xplicitly say what you feel or want and enjoy that act of self-expression, but release any need for the other person to hear you or change. You can鈥檛 force others to empathize or understand.鈥�
If in the off chance that this message in a bottle gets to this person who has written his name on my heart, this is our book. Read it and take it to a therapist. This is a new world you can build far greater than Gatsby. 馃Β
The Green Light at the End of the Dock (How much I spent):
Softcover Text 鈥� $10.96 from Amazon
Electronic Text - $7.36 from Amazon
Connect With Me!
I鈥檓 glad you鈥檙e here.
My therapist recommended this book. Yep. I have a therapist now.
Didn鈥檛 I tell you that I鈥檓 heartbroken? I lead a quiet life, a small life, and I am frightfully alone, afraid that I will leave this world unseen.
If you want a hoot, I highly recommend checking the notes and highlights I shared (sorry only available on desktop, not GoodReads app).
When I grew up, my parents were both bottom 10 percent parents. Between my father and stepmother, there were 5 children. All of them ran away except me.
Certain emotions were not tolerated. 鈥淕o to your room, you crybaby! Get out of my sight!鈥� In addition to the emotional abuse, I was subject to lashings and slaps. To this day, I still have nightmares because I had to practice jumping out the window to plan my escape if things got too bad!
To avoid being on the receiving end of wrath, I attempted to be invisible.
This book talks about Traits Associated with Emotional Immaturity, and it was quite enlightening.
My father used to rely on a saying, "Children are resilient." This was used to absolve him of all responsibility for the absolute horrors that were inflicted upon me. I wasn't resilient. My parents broke me so profoundly me that it has impacted my life every single day for the past 30 years.
Years after I left the house of horrors, I received an application. My father wanted to host a foster child. Would I support his grant of a foster child? I wrote a resounding no in reply, pleading on behalf of the child that he or she would never know stability.
What was my father's response? Was it a gesture of healing?
He laughed. That's right. He laughed and said, "You weren't the only one to write a negative response."
Fast forward to today. For the last two years, although I was seeking emotional intimacy, I became enmeshed with another person.
How are you supposed to feel when you discover that the person you adore doesn鈥檛 care about you? That when you reach out your hand and know no one will take it. That everything you gave, everything you said, every whispered moment, being the first and last text meant nothing.
This book helped me understand that he wants to live in the moment, forgetting the past hurts, not planning the future, only doing what feels good in the moment.
He still wonders why he would have to work on being my friend.
Let鈥檚 take a look:
He didn鈥檛 ask me if I needed anything. He didn鈥檛 offer to send money to cover our business supplies when we parted ways. He didn鈥檛 bother to ask me about my big project coming up. He didn鈥檛 say Happy Mother鈥檚 Day. He didn鈥檛 once read to me from Walden (our favorite book). He didn鈥檛 ask to call me. Hey, I know you love the sound of my voice. He didn鈥檛 say hey I am glad you are here or it is nice to hear from you or I missed you or I really appreciate all that you have done. He didn鈥檛 provide comfort to me when I reached out for help despite always dropping everything without hesitation for him. He didn鈥檛 show up when we had arranged to meet. He didn鈥檛 protect me.
He did deny my feelings, telling me I shouldn鈥檛 feel that way. He did blame me. He refused to pick up a book for me even though I had just spent weeks getting his business open. He did not keep his word. He made excuses. He sold the first book that we ever produced, the first time my design became a reality, despite pleading with him not to. He would storm out over minor things, never knowing if he was coming back. He gave me IOU鈥檚 on every holiday. He did accuse me of saying things that I never said over and over, even when I was newly released from the hospital, hunched over in pain, and begging him to stop. He made it about himself when I needed him the most.
And yet I care about this person more than any other. I am anxious when he is not around. I wonder where he is. I wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder if he has already forgotten me. Is he wearing our friendship bracelet?
Deep down, my heart cries for his validation. The one set of applause that matters. I desire for him to see me, genuinely appreciate me, and heal my soul. Compliments from the heart, not cajoled. Where he will one day, direct his full attention to me, with his eyes locked on mine, he will make me feel fully seen and understood. Ask me how I feel. Ask me what he can do for me. Even if the world is crumbling, I will finally feel safe in the world.
He has asked me several times, "But why do we have to work at being friends?" I am ready to answer that now. Because I am hurt, and I am worth the effort. Because I have endured more than any human being should endure. Because, despite the many hours that we have spent together, you may not have realized that I have PTSD, and this type of behaviour retraumatizes me.
But this book says you can鈥檛 change someone who doesn鈥檛 want to be changed. You can鈥檛 drag someone into emotional maturity. Trust me. I tried.
In my head, I know I need to let this person go. My heart doesn鈥檛 understand this. My heart has infinite hope.
So I鈥檓 going to practice a technique from the book, 鈥淓xplicitly say what you feel or want and enjoy that act of self-expression, but release any need for the other person to hear you or change. You can鈥檛 force others to empathize or understand.鈥�
If in the off chance that this message in a bottle gets to this person who has written his name on my heart, this is our book. Read it and take it to a therapist. This is a new world you can build far greater than Gatsby. 馃Β
The Green Light at the End of the Dock (How much I spent):
Softcover Text 鈥� $10.96 from Amazon
Electronic Text - $7.36 from Amazon
Connect With Me!
June 21, 2018
This is a book you pick out for a very specific reason, and it is hardly possible to review it in a neutral way. So I won't.
I hope that I don't have to recommend it to anyone, as it means opening up a Pandora's box of unresolved issues with major impact on who you are and how you deal with life.
Let's just say this: if you have the feeling that something was missing in your life, and that you were distinctly different from other people with regards to your family relationships, this book may help you to understand your defence mechanisms, your responses and guilt trap feelings. It may show you a way forward to realise your own potential, and a way to accept the limitations of relationships with emotionally immature people in your environment. It may help you develop a stronger sense of self and new confidence in your right to live your life according to your own wishes and dreams. It may cause pain. And it does contain nuts :-)
But no worries - if you are a classic internaliser (externalisers usually don't read self-help books), you will have developed a strong sense of humour as a vital survival skill.
This book is the apple Eve ate to gain knowledge of her all-consuming, emotionally immature parent.
I hope that I don't have to recommend it to anyone, as it means opening up a Pandora's box of unresolved issues with major impact on who you are and how you deal with life.
Let's just say this: if you have the feeling that something was missing in your life, and that you were distinctly different from other people with regards to your family relationships, this book may help you to understand your defence mechanisms, your responses and guilt trap feelings. It may show you a way forward to realise your own potential, and a way to accept the limitations of relationships with emotionally immature people in your environment. It may help you develop a stronger sense of self and new confidence in your right to live your life according to your own wishes and dreams. It may cause pain. And it does contain nuts :-)
But no worries - if you are a classic internaliser (externalisers usually don't read self-help books), you will have developed a strong sense of humour as a vital survival skill.
This book is the apple Eve ate to gain knowledge of her all-consuming, emotionally immature parent.
July 20, 2016
Good introduction to the concept, helps you see your parents clearly. Not much there, though, on how to overcome the defenses you built in response and change your own thought process/behavior. It's discussed, but it's very high level and not very helpful. "Do this," not "Here's how you can do this." This isn't necessarily a book for people who recognize their parents as emotionally immature already and want to know how to overcome that influence in their own lives. If you're already on board with that, this won't be very helpful.
November 1, 2018
This book hit close to home and certainly had a lot that I could identify with, having been raised in a home with two very emotionally immature parents trying to do their best. I give them a lot of credit for what they did right, but the truth is a lot of the immaturity persists to this day. Fortunately, books like this can be of aid in my quest to break the cycle.
The problem I had with this book is that the author speaks authoritatively but without much citation to research. Her primary sources are her own clients from her own practice and her own experiences. Sure, life experience counts for a lot, but it was apparent that the author's own bias often came into play. And I felt like the author had a tendency to victimize her clients even though obviously the therapist was typically getting one side of the story during counseling sessions.
My wish for myself and for others is that adults take primary responsibility for their own emotional health and well being, and own up to the fact when they fall short. But this assumes a certain level of emotional maturity and therein lies the problem. This book provides a few tools for handling key relationships with people who are simply incapable or unwilling to manage their own emotional health. And for that it is useful.
The problem I had with this book is that the author speaks authoritatively but without much citation to research. Her primary sources are her own clients from her own practice and her own experiences. Sure, life experience counts for a lot, but it was apparent that the author's own bias often came into play. And I felt like the author had a tendency to victimize her clients even though obviously the therapist was typically getting one side of the story during counseling sessions.
My wish for myself and for others is that adults take primary responsibility for their own emotional health and well being, and own up to the fact when they fall short. But this assumes a certain level of emotional maturity and therein lies the problem. This book provides a few tools for handling key relationships with people who are simply incapable or unwilling to manage their own emotional health. And for that it is useful.
October 6, 2019
This book had a lot of good information wrapped up in a lot of biases and harmful statements.
The basic framework of the book and the language of emotional maturity vs emotional immaturity is something genuinely freeing, and genuinely really good to be aware of. I'm able to evaluate my relationships in new light and generally feel like I have a whole new toolbox available.
The problem is this book is highly biased against those with low empathy (empathy =/= the ability to express compassion), those who are prone to bouts of all-consuming emotional reactivity (like traumatized people), and it has a few negative things to say about how "problematic" externalizers are, without acknowledging how an externalizer can still be a good person (in fact, many a time, "externalizer" is used in place of "abuser"). It generally ignores how externalization can still have the ability to place their externalization elsewhere instead of the person or situation that caused it, and instead assumes externalizers always explode on others the minute they become emotional.
Many, many, many of my friends are the kinds of people this book treats as abusers (and, using the book's own rubrics, they are not abusers despite their diagnoses making the author treat them like they are). It lacks a necessary neutrality in describing neurotypes that are outside the realm of typical, and instead very obviously places some people as "better" for how they process emotions.
According to the author, those who can figure things out completely on their own are wonderful angels who will psychologically grow in leaps and bounds, while those who have to talk out their feelings with others are doomed to never making any progress unless they learn to figure things out completely on their own. Also, empathy in the form of feeling the emotions another person is feeling as they describe them to you is the only way to form connection, with everything else being the mark of a sociopath.
I find the concept absolutely preposterous, with many a life story reflecting otherwise.
The worst part is, a lot of the traits that the author describes as "internalizer" traits can indeed be found in externalizers who were invalidated as externalizers, therefore forced to internalize all of their pain instead of expressing it鈥� and in turn, it fails to acknowledge the wounds of not being allowed to express another person hurt you that hits externalizers doubly hard. Not only were they denied the ability to be hurt (the same as internalizers), but they were forced to perform a role that is not themselves... something that the book acknowledges as a problem. But thanks to the author's own biases, the book doesn't extend an ounce of compassion towards those people, instead assuming all externalizers were validated in their immediate outbursts and were, in turn, nurtured into an abuser role.
It's good information. I'm glad I read the book. But I cannot in good faith recommend it unless I give all of the above as a disclaimer, because it *will* be a very hurtful book to read depending on your neurotype, emotional processing style, and empathy levels.
The basic framework of the book and the language of emotional maturity vs emotional immaturity is something genuinely freeing, and genuinely really good to be aware of. I'm able to evaluate my relationships in new light and generally feel like I have a whole new toolbox available.
The problem is this book is highly biased against those with low empathy (empathy =/= the ability to express compassion), those who are prone to bouts of all-consuming emotional reactivity (like traumatized people), and it has a few negative things to say about how "problematic" externalizers are, without acknowledging how an externalizer can still be a good person (in fact, many a time, "externalizer" is used in place of "abuser"). It generally ignores how externalization can still have the ability to place their externalization elsewhere instead of the person or situation that caused it, and instead assumes externalizers always explode on others the minute they become emotional.
Many, many, many of my friends are the kinds of people this book treats as abusers (and, using the book's own rubrics, they are not abusers despite their diagnoses making the author treat them like they are). It lacks a necessary neutrality in describing neurotypes that are outside the realm of typical, and instead very obviously places some people as "better" for how they process emotions.
According to the author, those who can figure things out completely on their own are wonderful angels who will psychologically grow in leaps and bounds, while those who have to talk out their feelings with others are doomed to never making any progress unless they learn to figure things out completely on their own. Also, empathy in the form of feeling the emotions another person is feeling as they describe them to you is the only way to form connection, with everything else being the mark of a sociopath.
I find the concept absolutely preposterous, with many a life story reflecting otherwise.
The worst part is, a lot of the traits that the author describes as "internalizer" traits can indeed be found in externalizers who were invalidated as externalizers, therefore forced to internalize all of their pain instead of expressing it鈥� and in turn, it fails to acknowledge the wounds of not being allowed to express another person hurt you that hits externalizers doubly hard. Not only were they denied the ability to be hurt (the same as internalizers), but they were forced to perform a role that is not themselves... something that the book acknowledges as a problem. But thanks to the author's own biases, the book doesn't extend an ounce of compassion towards those people, instead assuming all externalizers were validated in their immediate outbursts and were, in turn, nurtured into an abuser role.
It's good information. I'm glad I read the book. But I cannot in good faith recommend it unless I give all of the above as a disclaimer, because it *will* be a very hurtful book to read depending on your neurotype, emotional processing style, and empathy levels.
March 12, 2024
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by the clinical psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson, contains some helpful advice. But I must say, the fundamental argument is rather sus.
Gibson begins by identifying a constellation of nebulous but fairly relatable symptoms, such as:
Gibson next describes what she means by an "emotionally immature parent" 鈥� again, using nebulous but relatable terms. For instance, she says that your parent could be emotionally immature if they have exhibited any of the following:
The book omits to flag, of course, the subjective dimension to some of these descriptors.
Finally, after the reader has identified with the personal symptoms ("that's me!") and the parental descriptors ("that's mom/dad!"), Gibson goes ahead and concludes 鈥� with almost zero argument 鈥� that the two are causally related. Which, somewhat ironically, plays into one of the book's definitions of emotional immaturity: that one's beliefs are based not in objectivity but in what feels true.
As a clinical psychologist, Gibson certainly boasts a great deal of first-hand, empirical experience. But this doesn't change the fact that she's theorizing on the basis of only one side of the equation. Indeed, as she herself admits, therapy attracts certain kinds of people 鈥� namely, "internalizers", who believe that change comes from within rather than from without 鈥� which means that she's working from a very limited data set to begin with.
In short, a methodologically shaky book, so please read with a grain of salt, but one with some useful morsels scattered throughout.
Gibson begins by identifying a constellation of nebulous but fairly relatable symptoms, such as:
(1) feeling a vague sense of emptiness or of being alone in the world;
(2) putting other peoples' needs first; and
(3) ending up in unfulfilling relationships.
Gibson next describes what she means by an "emotionally immature parent" 鈥� again, using nebulous but relatable terms. For instance, she says that your parent could be emotionally immature if they have exhibited any of the following:
(1) My parent often overreacted to relatively minor things.
(2) My parent was often irritated by individual differences or different points of view.
(3) Facts and logic were no match for my parents opinions.
The book omits to flag, of course, the subjective dimension to some of these descriptors.
Finally, after the reader has identified with the personal symptoms ("that's me!") and the parental descriptors ("that's mom/dad!"), Gibson goes ahead and concludes 鈥� with almost zero argument 鈥� that the two are causally related. Which, somewhat ironically, plays into one of the book's definitions of emotional immaturity: that one's beliefs are based not in objectivity but in what feels true.
As a clinical psychologist, Gibson certainly boasts a great deal of first-hand, empirical experience. But this doesn't change the fact that she's theorizing on the basis of only one side of the equation. Indeed, as she herself admits, therapy attracts certain kinds of people 鈥� namely, "internalizers", who believe that change comes from within rather than from without 鈥� which means that she's working from a very limited data set to begin with.
In short, a methodologically shaky book, so please read with a grain of salt, but one with some useful morsels scattered throughout.
May 3, 2021
why i dont think you should read this book and what i think you should read instead
i bought this book without much thought as it kept being quoted by people i respect and love, but i regret doing so now. i have CPTSD (but am halfway through recovery) and this book talks of the human condition as though it is alien to this planet and only can be examined in clinical settings or by people who are literate in statistics and science. psychotherapy in session is retraumatizing for me and many like me, and this book is too. if you have read anything substantial of modern psychology and philosophy, dont read this book.
the author is quick to categorize people as Internalizers or Externalizers and goes on to outline the behaviours of said categories. she goes on to say that if youve bought this book, youre probably the former. Internalizers are, although im sure that is not the intention, written as the virtuous victims of child neglect and or abuse, whilst Externalizers are frequently described as its polar opposite. possibly to appeal to the reader, it feels a bit like a Buzzfeed article on Introverts vs Extroverts, where we all realize that we have a bit of both depending on the company in the end, but the world is built by and for Extroverts, so Introverts really have more of an uphill battle in the made up social norms of a system that relies on oppression.
early on, she describes drug addiction as an "externalizing" behaviour, which is a dangerous thing to do when you are supposed to be writing a book on the effects emotional unavailability. being what the author calls an Internalizer, who like everyone else has traits she would consider externalizing, and being a recovering addict made this a bit of a suicide cocktail of a book. she talks up a storm about the particular characteristics of people, but not what is to be done about them, only adding shameful wording to how humans cope. if i wasnt in recovery, this book would have me going after what is externalizing in my behaviour, trying to remedy it with shame. i was already doing that, convinced i was broken. shame is the antithesis to growth and what is the main problem to begin with, so utilizing it to convey to a reader how they should categorize themselves isnt going to give them much to work with in terms of getting better, getting help or healing themselves. it reminds me of the laughable notion of no ones gonna love you until you love yourself, which ignores what pack animals require for development, as though you dont deserve love if no ones loved you before. read: we are taught how to love. that does not have to just be done by our parents, and the end is not where they leave us, we can recover and be the people we were not taught to be by them. that requires both the self and the community. community is written about as a necessary evil here, more than anything else.
if you have complex trauma, i really dont recommend reading this, and even without it or an official diagnosis i still recommend that you dont. psychology has come much further than this constant narrative that places competition and friction before contemplation and acceptance. it mimics the old timey tales of we need to lock up dysfunction to ensure we can function, which has only ever lead to more pain and more abuse. this book does not offer solutions, only further roles to play.
instead i highly recommend the book by Gabor Mat茅, although it targets ADD (now known as inattentive ADHD) it explains these family systems, why they happen and what we can do, both for ourselves and our children/families to get to a better place. it is compassionate, wise and it doesnt speak of the human condition as something broken. it also acknowledges that blame and shame are both counterproductive maladaptive aspects of any parenting, whether youre reparenting yourself, or youre parenting someone else. i recommend that everyone reads it, regardless of if you have ADHD or not.
i also REALLY recommend reading the book by Bessel van der Kolk, one of the worlds most renowned trauma specialists. this book is the reason why i am in recovery, why i no longer have flashbacks, and why ive gone from being hypervigilant every day of my life and certain that pain was my default to a safety within myself that my parents never allowed. i recommend the book by Robin Wall Kimmerer, for an alternative look at how humans could live, in which healing could take its time without threatening homelessness or being unable to afford food.
if youd just like an alternative to books, or in case this book made you sad like me, here is a podcast featuring van der Kolk and how he treats trauma, how it lives on, etc. this is the podcast that made me try somatic experiencing, which ultimately stopped my flashbacks altogether.
he talks over the host quite a bit, but if you can put that aside and just focus on his message, it is absolutely worth anyone and everyones time to hear.
be kind to yourself, you deserve kindness. we all deserve kindness; without it we cannot change. you can change, but not by constantly punishing yourself.
i bought this book without much thought as it kept being quoted by people i respect and love, but i regret doing so now. i have CPTSD (but am halfway through recovery) and this book talks of the human condition as though it is alien to this planet and only can be examined in clinical settings or by people who are literate in statistics and science. psychotherapy in session is retraumatizing for me and many like me, and this book is too. if you have read anything substantial of modern psychology and philosophy, dont read this book.
the author is quick to categorize people as Internalizers or Externalizers and goes on to outline the behaviours of said categories. she goes on to say that if youve bought this book, youre probably the former. Internalizers are, although im sure that is not the intention, written as the virtuous victims of child neglect and or abuse, whilst Externalizers are frequently described as its polar opposite. possibly to appeal to the reader, it feels a bit like a Buzzfeed article on Introverts vs Extroverts, where we all realize that we have a bit of both depending on the company in the end, but the world is built by and for Extroverts, so Introverts really have more of an uphill battle in the made up social norms of a system that relies on oppression.
early on, she describes drug addiction as an "externalizing" behaviour, which is a dangerous thing to do when you are supposed to be writing a book on the effects emotional unavailability. being what the author calls an Internalizer, who like everyone else has traits she would consider externalizing, and being a recovering addict made this a bit of a suicide cocktail of a book. she talks up a storm about the particular characteristics of people, but not what is to be done about them, only adding shameful wording to how humans cope. if i wasnt in recovery, this book would have me going after what is externalizing in my behaviour, trying to remedy it with shame. i was already doing that, convinced i was broken. shame is the antithesis to growth and what is the main problem to begin with, so utilizing it to convey to a reader how they should categorize themselves isnt going to give them much to work with in terms of getting better, getting help or healing themselves. it reminds me of the laughable notion of no ones gonna love you until you love yourself, which ignores what pack animals require for development, as though you dont deserve love if no ones loved you before. read: we are taught how to love. that does not have to just be done by our parents, and the end is not where they leave us, we can recover and be the people we were not taught to be by them. that requires both the self and the community. community is written about as a necessary evil here, more than anything else.
if you have complex trauma, i really dont recommend reading this, and even without it or an official diagnosis i still recommend that you dont. psychology has come much further than this constant narrative that places competition and friction before contemplation and acceptance. it mimics the old timey tales of we need to lock up dysfunction to ensure we can function, which has only ever lead to more pain and more abuse. this book does not offer solutions, only further roles to play.
instead i highly recommend the book by Gabor Mat茅, although it targets ADD (now known as inattentive ADHD) it explains these family systems, why they happen and what we can do, both for ourselves and our children/families to get to a better place. it is compassionate, wise and it doesnt speak of the human condition as something broken. it also acknowledges that blame and shame are both counterproductive maladaptive aspects of any parenting, whether youre reparenting yourself, or youre parenting someone else. i recommend that everyone reads it, regardless of if you have ADHD or not.
i also REALLY recommend reading the book by Bessel van der Kolk, one of the worlds most renowned trauma specialists. this book is the reason why i am in recovery, why i no longer have flashbacks, and why ive gone from being hypervigilant every day of my life and certain that pain was my default to a safety within myself that my parents never allowed. i recommend the book by Robin Wall Kimmerer, for an alternative look at how humans could live, in which healing could take its time without threatening homelessness or being unable to afford food.
if youd just like an alternative to books, or in case this book made you sad like me, here is a podcast featuring van der Kolk and how he treats trauma, how it lives on, etc. this is the podcast that made me try somatic experiencing, which ultimately stopped my flashbacks altogether.
he talks over the host quite a bit, but if you can put that aside and just focus on his message, it is absolutely worth anyone and everyones time to hear.
be kind to yourself, you deserve kindness. we all deserve kindness; without it we cannot change. you can change, but not by constantly punishing yourself.
January 16, 2016
I wish I had read this book sooner! Finally validation that my family's repeated claim that I am "too sensitive" is more a reflection of their own emotional deficiencies than my own!
Even though I knew my parental relations were not entirely healthy, they were still my primary model for relationships and, consequently, I had unwittingly come to see some dysfunctional behaviors as normal. This book made me realize that much of what I thought was just my personality were really defense mechanisms that commonly develop in response to emotionally immature caregivers. The descriptions were so on point that I teared up a bit reading it, but that's a sensitive internalizer for you!
This book filled the much-needed role of clearly and compassionately showing what healthy behaviors I should expect in relationships and what healthy behaviors I need to work on adopting. Some of this I had discovered through life experience. I could have recognized and avoided some emotionally abusive situations if I had read this book earlier.
Even though I knew my parental relations were not entirely healthy, they were still my primary model for relationships and, consequently, I had unwittingly come to see some dysfunctional behaviors as normal. This book made me realize that much of what I thought was just my personality were really defense mechanisms that commonly develop in response to emotionally immature caregivers. The descriptions were so on point that I teared up a bit reading it, but that's a sensitive internalizer for you!
This book filled the much-needed role of clearly and compassionately showing what healthy behaviors I should expect in relationships and what healthy behaviors I need to work on adopting. Some of this I had discovered through life experience. I could have recognized and avoided some emotionally abusive situations if I had read this book earlier.
August 4, 2020
I鈥檝e read dozens of research-based psychology books, and a large handful of self-help books (way more if you count spiritual texts), and only three stand out as hugely meaningful to my life: Mind Over Mood, Driven to Distraction, and this one.
If you were sidelined, neglected, or constantly criticized as a child, this book is for you. My copy is so marked-up, it could be a diary.
I鈥檓 a little skeptical (perhaps too much) of clinical psychologists. Unfortunately I think it鈥檚 a field that has far too much pseudoscience swept up in its mainstream, and I鈥檓 far more willing to listen to research psychologists. But Gibson (a PsyD clinical psychologist) is a strong exception. She is clear, nuanced, refers to the research, and doesn鈥檛 make sweeping statements or treat the brain as a mystical space hiding trauma in its dark corners.
Highly recommend.
If you were sidelined, neglected, or constantly criticized as a child, this book is for you. My copy is so marked-up, it could be a diary.
I鈥檓 a little skeptical (perhaps too much) of clinical psychologists. Unfortunately I think it鈥檚 a field that has far too much pseudoscience swept up in its mainstream, and I鈥檓 far more willing to listen to research psychologists. But Gibson (a PsyD clinical psychologist) is a strong exception. She is clear, nuanced, refers to the research, and doesn鈥檛 make sweeping statements or treat the brain as a mystical space hiding trauma in its dark corners.
Highly recommend.
July 20, 2017
This book has a long enough title as it is but it could also tack on..."How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Self-Involved Parents, or Parents Who Never Parented You But You've Always Parented Them and They Expect You To Do So Until the Day They Die...and Is It Me or Are They Getting Even More Infantile in Their Old Age?"
I'm guessing anyone that reads this book could slap a picture of one, both, or all of their parents into the book as the very definition of an Emotionally Immature Parent. I could, at least, because this book breaks down that there are actually four types of emotionally immature parents and just nails it: Emotional, Driven, Passive, Rejecting.
The book does a great job of distinguishing the difference between what it's like growing up with an emotionally mature vs immature parent (because if we haven't grown up with a mature parent it's hard to know what it's *supposed* to be like), the affect that has on the child and their development, the struggles and hard-wired characteristics that now grown up adult deals with, how to shake up and out of it (as best you can), how to deal with your parents in present day, and how to recognize healthy mature people, in general, so you can have healthier connections in your adult life.
It basically reads like a definition and how-to guide and I feel like I'd need to walk around with the book as a reference for the next few years.
What I took away from the book was validation of the f'ed-upness of my upbringing, clarity about *how* my parents are emotionally immature, the fact that they have absolutely no ability to be introspective and understand their behavior's impact (that's super enlightening), that your emotionally immature parents will NEVER change so it's important to give up the fantasy of having the parent you want from them, strategies for dealing with parents/emotionally immature people in present day and an understanding of "Oh crap, I have some of these characteristics myself." ::face palm::
There's a wealth of information here delivered in a well-written, broken into clear sections kind of way that allows for easier digestibility and reference.
Very good book. Recommend.
I'm guessing anyone that reads this book could slap a picture of one, both, or all of their parents into the book as the very definition of an Emotionally Immature Parent. I could, at least, because this book breaks down that there are actually four types of emotionally immature parents and just nails it: Emotional, Driven, Passive, Rejecting.
The book does a great job of distinguishing the difference between what it's like growing up with an emotionally mature vs immature parent (because if we haven't grown up with a mature parent it's hard to know what it's *supposed* to be like), the affect that has on the child and their development, the struggles and hard-wired characteristics that now grown up adult deals with, how to shake up and out of it (as best you can), how to deal with your parents in present day, and how to recognize healthy mature people, in general, so you can have healthier connections in your adult life.
It basically reads like a definition and how-to guide and I feel like I'd need to walk around with the book as a reference for the next few years.
What I took away from the book was validation of the f'ed-upness of my upbringing, clarity about *how* my parents are emotionally immature, the fact that they have absolutely no ability to be introspective and understand their behavior's impact (that's super enlightening), that your emotionally immature parents will NEVER change so it's important to give up the fantasy of having the parent you want from them, strategies for dealing with parents/emotionally immature people in present day and an understanding of "Oh crap, I have some of these characteristics myself." ::face palm::
There's a wealth of information here delivered in a well-written, broken into clear sections kind of way that allows for easier digestibility and reference.
Very good book. Recommend.
May 8, 2024
In this wise and practical guide, a clinical psychologist who grew up with emotionally immature parents, provides powerful strategies to help you recognize and break free from the frustrating patterns of your relationship with your parents and discover the invaluable gifts they can offer you as well.
I really appreciated Gibson's understanding tone and deep insight into the lives and minds of the adult children of emotionally immature parents. As I listened to the audiobook: (), which was narrated with understanding and warmth, I found myself much more aware of my own life and better prepared to confront my own challenges and learn to live a better adult existence.
Gibson's words felt like they had been written for me, and I am so grateful for the sense of clarity and understanding that she provided. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is the perfect place to begin if you are curious about the impact of emotional childhood neglect. Head over to Amazon to start listening to the book now!
I really appreciated Gibson's understanding tone and deep insight into the lives and minds of the adult children of emotionally immature parents. As I listened to the audiobook: (), which was narrated with understanding and warmth, I found myself much more aware of my own life and better prepared to confront my own challenges and learn to live a better adult existence.
Gibson's words felt like they had been written for me, and I am so grateful for the sense of clarity and understanding that she provided. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents is the perfect place to begin if you are curious about the impact of emotional childhood neglect. Head over to Amazon to start listening to the book now!
July 31, 2023
read via audiobook! i have been searching for a book on this topic for the past 2 years as, unfortunately, this subject pertains to me. this one was spot on, validating, informative and undoubtedly one of the best non-fiction/self-help books i鈥檝e ever read.
i am a very self-aware person, have a degree in sociology, am in therapy, and understand that i am an adult child of emotionally immature parents, so naturally going into this i thought it would be filled with everything i've already heard/researched/learned on my own, in school and with my therapist. yet i learned tons, and i am so so happy that i did. some things that set this book apart compared to others of similar nature are that it discussed what may have happened to the parent to make them emotionally immature, the different ways children respond to emotionally immature parents, how to deal with emotionally immature parents after becoming aware of this, different ways to help heal from emotionally immature parents and develop emotionally mature/intelligent habits going forward. usually i find that self-help/psychology books touch on one or two of these kinds of points, but lack in demonstrating how you can implement what you learned in the book in real life. but this one covered it all!
some concepts that i learned about, that i highly recommend those in similar situations to look into are:
- the role self vs the true self
- internalizers vs externalizers
- emotional contagion
- consemptatory cheerfulness (!!!)
- family systems theory (learned about this in school but i wanted to highlight it as i think it is very valuable)
- enmeshment
i can鈥檛 recommend this enough to those who are adult children of emotionally immature parents, suffer from extreme anxiety/cptsd due to childhood, have a parent who is a narcissist, or those looking to support a loved one in one of these situations. i am really looking forward to buying a physical copy to reread, annotate, and pass on to others!
i am a very self-aware person, have a degree in sociology, am in therapy, and understand that i am an adult child of emotionally immature parents, so naturally going into this i thought it would be filled with everything i've already heard/researched/learned on my own, in school and with my therapist. yet i learned tons, and i am so so happy that i did. some things that set this book apart compared to others of similar nature are that it discussed what may have happened to the parent to make them emotionally immature, the different ways children respond to emotionally immature parents, how to deal with emotionally immature parents after becoming aware of this, different ways to help heal from emotionally immature parents and develop emotionally mature/intelligent habits going forward. usually i find that self-help/psychology books touch on one or two of these kinds of points, but lack in demonstrating how you can implement what you learned in the book in real life. but this one covered it all!
some concepts that i learned about, that i highly recommend those in similar situations to look into are:
- the role self vs the true self
- internalizers vs externalizers
- emotional contagion
- consemptatory cheerfulness (!!!)
- family systems theory (learned about this in school but i wanted to highlight it as i think it is very valuable)
- enmeshment
i can鈥檛 recommend this enough to those who are adult children of emotionally immature parents, suffer from extreme anxiety/cptsd due to childhood, have a parent who is a narcissist, or those looking to support a loved one in one of these situations. i am really looking forward to buying a physical copy to reread, annotate, and pass on to others!
March 21, 2016
Truly amazing. There's no shortage of self-help books in my house, all of which I've purchased in a feeble attempt to pinpoint that *thing* that's not quite right.
I've suffered from anxiety and depression most of my life. I've also found it very difficult to connect with anyone on more than a superficial level, and most interactions left me drained. I couldn't be myself when I interacted with anyone. I was always preoccupied with being judged than establishing a friendship based on intimate communication. That requires a level of vulnerability that, until now, has remained elusive.
I was truly surprised at how well the author was able to capture the many nuances of relationships with emotionally immature parents, and the myriad impacts that they have on their children. I know that change is going to be a process, but this book has made me feel adequately equipped to at least start the journey toward healing. And finally, FINALLY, I realize that it wasn't me after all. I'm not fundamentally flawed and unloveable.
I thank the author from the bottom of my heart for her dedication to writing this book. I hope that countless others find strength and healing in its pages.
I've suffered from anxiety and depression most of my life. I've also found it very difficult to connect with anyone on more than a superficial level, and most interactions left me drained. I couldn't be myself when I interacted with anyone. I was always preoccupied with being judged than establishing a friendship based on intimate communication. That requires a level of vulnerability that, until now, has remained elusive.
I was truly surprised at how well the author was able to capture the many nuances of relationships with emotionally immature parents, and the myriad impacts that they have on their children. I know that change is going to be a process, but this book has made me feel adequately equipped to at least start the journey toward healing. And finally, FINALLY, I realize that it wasn't me after all. I'm not fundamentally flawed and unloveable.
I thank the author from the bottom of my heart for her dedication to writing this book. I hope that countless others find strength and healing in its pages.
July 3, 2020
I found this incredibly helpful. I especially liked that she detailed both the different kinds of emotionally immature types you could encounter in parents and the the content of the two broad responses to experiencing this parenting (internalizing and externalizing). The first part really helped me because I was definitely one someone who internalized and so I had the 鈥渂ut maybe my parent wasn鈥檛 immature enough for me to complain about鈥� thought and resisted reading this at first. It made me feel bad- until I read the categories. Hearing about the different ways internalizing and externalizing can manifest also helped me make sense of some of their behaviors- as we know, parents inherit a lot of how they raise their kids from their own parents and pass on a lot of their own unresolved traumas. If you鈥檙e pretty sure your emotionally immature parent(s) also had emotionally immature parents you鈥檒l find a ton that makes sense here. I also saw a lot of behaviors that I, unfortunately, also act out. That emotional immaturity was passed down to me in a whole new way as I struggled to find coping mechanisms to deal with it. The book is great about giving you strategies to deal with your emotionally immature parent that I totally intend to use, but I wish it also have resources for those of us who have realized we also have some of those marks of emotional immaturity because of what was modeled for us or how we coped with it. How do we ensure we don鈥檛 pass it down again? How do we change? I wish she had added that. I also feel like she set REALLY high expectations for what emotionally mature people are like in that last chapter. I guess she was just covering all her bases but it did kind of make it seem like no one could possibly be 1000% emotionally mature. But I guess it鈥檚 one of those if you鈥檙e batting 8 out of 10 you鈥檙e still ok type things? I hope? I feel like that鈥檚 something I could do- even if my parent never will. But other than that I found this book had a clear, kind, firm voice that used advice, research and anecdotes you could recognize yourself in to explain its points. It does not allow you delusions, which I super needed (see the part about 鈥渉ealing fantasies鈥�) but also doesn鈥檛 berate you with them or make you feel stupid for not seeing it before. Some things will never change. The focus is how to deal with it in a sustainable way that doesn鈥檛 damage you further.
June 14, 2023
I felt validated, reading about the ways children are treated by their emotionally immature parents. I also, at times, felt ashamed to recognize myself as the 鈥渆motionally immature鈥� person the author describes. Ultimately, the concept fell apart for me and lacked any kind of explanatory power. Worse, I felt it encouraged a judgmental, reductive, binary attitude, the very things the author says the 鈥渕ature鈥� person would want to avoid. It also favored a very individualistic point of view, which seemed unrealistic and possibly harmful. (On the other hand, I did like her practical comments on how to act from a more centered place when dealing with triggering family members.) Since this doesn鈥檛 seem to be a concept backed by evidence, I鈥檒l stick with diving further into attachment theory.
EDIT: If I were to rate this book today, I鈥檇 give it at least 3 stars. In the journey from 鈥淪ure I鈥檓 hard on myself but I had a happy childhood鈥� to 鈥淚 deserved to be loved and have my needs met as a child, and because my parents didn鈥檛 do that perfectly, certain things are hard for me,鈥� there is a very necessary stage of moving blame from your(child)self to your parents. It is important to express genuine righteous anger, and to feel validated in your feelings of sadness at having not received what you needed. This book helps readers move in that space, to see how parents鈥� inevitable shortcomings affect their children.
I still think this book doesn鈥檛 do enough to provide a way forward. After I rightly identify my parents鈥� emotional immaturity (whether past or present), what then? That space of judgment can鈥檛 last forever. It鈥檚 not satisfying for either the child or the parent. Labeling a person as 鈥渆motionally immature鈥� brings in a power dynamic that鈥檚 hard to get over, and I think it can create a barrier to connection. Connecting people to others in deep, authentic , meaningful ways is the goal of all good therapy. For me, the literature on attachment gives the possibility of mutual understanding, without the blaming language. A book like Daniel Siegel鈥檚 The Power of Showing Up is the perfect companion piece to supplement this one.
EDIT: If I were to rate this book today, I鈥檇 give it at least 3 stars. In the journey from 鈥淪ure I鈥檓 hard on myself but I had a happy childhood鈥� to 鈥淚 deserved to be loved and have my needs met as a child, and because my parents didn鈥檛 do that perfectly, certain things are hard for me,鈥� there is a very necessary stage of moving blame from your(child)self to your parents. It is important to express genuine righteous anger, and to feel validated in your feelings of sadness at having not received what you needed. This book helps readers move in that space, to see how parents鈥� inevitable shortcomings affect their children.
I still think this book doesn鈥檛 do enough to provide a way forward. After I rightly identify my parents鈥� emotional immaturity (whether past or present), what then? That space of judgment can鈥檛 last forever. It鈥檚 not satisfying for either the child or the parent. Labeling a person as 鈥渆motionally immature鈥� brings in a power dynamic that鈥檚 hard to get over, and I think it can create a barrier to connection. Connecting people to others in deep, authentic , meaningful ways is the goal of all good therapy. For me, the literature on attachment gives the possibility of mutual understanding, without the blaming language. A book like Daniel Siegel鈥檚 The Power of Showing Up is the perfect companion piece to supplement this one.
November 21, 2024
The initial obstacle to overcome for the adult child of an immature parent is acknowledging that you had one. This is a lot harder than it sounds. Parents set the standards we live our lives by, and if you have a parent who tells you emotions are a sign of weakness, stupidity, and inferiority, chances are you're going to grow up viewing this as a mature position to take on the matter. It's probably not until you get a little distance from the parent in question that you begin to realize how intensely emotional this adult actually is - and how what you've been hearing all these years is, in essence, "I get to have emotions. You don't." This would be just about the time the truth starts dawning.
Lindsay Gibson is a clinical psychologist who has treated a number of clients confronting this parental dilemma. Her account contains several brief vignettes from her session-work that help to illustrate the damage done and the path to recovery. There's wisdom here, and direction offered in a patient and genuinely reflective tone.
Mature people take on the emotional work in relationships automatically because they live in a state of empathy and self-awareness. It's impossible for them to overlook the fact that someone they care about is having a hard time. Doing this work allows them to successfully navigate all kinds of interpersonal situations without stepping on other people's toes. Both at work and at home, emotional labor promotes goodwill and good relationships.
Emotionally immature people, on the other hand, often take pride in their lack of this skill. They rationalize their impulsive and insensitive responses with excuses like "I'm just saying what I think" or "I can't change who I am." If you confront them with the fact that not saying everything you think is a sign of good sense or that people can't mature without changing who they are, they will probably respond with anger or by dismissing you as ridiculous.
The book is a great introduction to this difficult dynamic and offers a fair amount of guidance that can be implemented immediately.
Lindsay Gibson is a clinical psychologist who has treated a number of clients confronting this parental dilemma. Her account contains several brief vignettes from her session-work that help to illustrate the damage done and the path to recovery. There's wisdom here, and direction offered in a patient and genuinely reflective tone.
Mature people take on the emotional work in relationships automatically because they live in a state of empathy and self-awareness. It's impossible for them to overlook the fact that someone they care about is having a hard time. Doing this work allows them to successfully navigate all kinds of interpersonal situations without stepping on other people's toes. Both at work and at home, emotional labor promotes goodwill and good relationships.
Emotionally immature people, on the other hand, often take pride in their lack of this skill. They rationalize their impulsive and insensitive responses with excuses like "I'm just saying what I think" or "I can't change who I am." If you confront them with the fact that not saying everything you think is a sign of good sense or that people can't mature without changing who they are, they will probably respond with anger or by dismissing you as ridiculous.
The book is a great introduction to this difficult dynamic and offers a fair amount of guidance that can be implemented immediately.
May 27, 2022
dnf @154
2.5 stars ig
Really disliked the overly-vague and incessantly-pathologizing attitude of the author. At the risk of sounding "immature" this book just spent most of its time telling people the 1001 ways that their every micro behavior is bad actually.
Not a parent myself, but I picked it up as a way to vent my frustrations with my own parents, yet I felt like that book was more about me than them.
And that's the problem! Everything is so vague and generic that you'd be able to find any slight quirk or behavior that you dislike in here. Whether it's you, your parents, your sibling, relatives, your SO, your best friend, you exes, that weird 5th grade teacher, everyone is included...
Every behavior is a reaction to childhood neglect or mistreatment and your entire personality is shaped by trauma basically...just make sure to not specify what kind of trauma because then it wouldn't be relatable.
Genuinely disappointed...
p.s. I understand that this book describes the behaviors of "emotionally immature" parents, but lots of these behaviors can be seen in autistic or otherwise neurodivergent people, and they're not always harmful. The negative attitude of the author is really off-putting.
2.5 stars ig
Really disliked the overly-vague and incessantly-pathologizing attitude of the author. At the risk of sounding "immature" this book just spent most of its time telling people the 1001 ways that their every micro behavior is bad actually.
Not a parent myself, but I picked it up as a way to vent my frustrations with my own parents, yet I felt like that book was more about me than them.
And that's the problem! Everything is so vague and generic that you'd be able to find any slight quirk or behavior that you dislike in here. Whether it's you, your parents, your sibling, relatives, your SO, your best friend, you exes, that weird 5th grade teacher, everyone is included...
Every behavior is a reaction to childhood neglect or mistreatment and your entire personality is shaped by trauma basically...just make sure to not specify what kind of trauma because then it wouldn't be relatable.
Genuinely disappointed...
p.s. I understand that this book describes the behaviors of "emotionally immature" parents, but lots of these behaviors can be seen in autistic or otherwise neurodivergent people, and they're not always harmful. The negative attitude of the author is really off-putting.
April 30, 2023
袣薪懈卸泻邪, 褟泻褍 褟 芯写薪芯蟹薪邪褔薪芯 屑芯卸褍 褉械泻芯屑械薪写褍胁邪褌懈!
袗谢械, 褟泻褖芯 胁褨写谐褍泻 - 褑械 锌褉芯 胁谢邪褋薪懈泄 写芯褋胁褨写, 褌芯 褟 芯褋芯斜懈褋褌芯 薪褨褔芯谐芯 褑褨褦褞 泻薪懈谐芯褞 薪械 "胁懈谢褨泻褍胁邪谢邪", 斜芯 胁懈褟胁懈谢芯褋褜, 褖芯 屑械薪褨 蟹邪 谢褨泻邪屑懈 薪械 褍 褑褞 泻薪懈卸泻褍.
笑械 薪械 芯蟹薪邪褔邪褦, 褖芯 泻薪懈谐邪 - 泻械锌褋褜泻邪. 袣薪懈卸泻邪 泻褉褍褌邪!
袘褨谢褜褕 褌芯谐芯, 褟 斜 褏芯褌褨谢邪 锌褉芯褔懈褌邪褌懈 褩褩 褉芯泻褨胁 写械褋褟褌褜 褌芯屑褍. 孝芯写褨 屑褨泄 斜懈 褕谢褟褏 写芯 "蟹褑褨谢械薪薪褟" 斜褍胁 屑械薪褕 褌械褉薪懈褋褌懈屑 褌邪 胁邪卸泻懈屑.
袙 泻薪懈蟹褨 斜邪谐邪褌芯 锌褉懈泻谢邪写褨胁, 芯锌懈褋褨胁, 锌芯褟褋薪械薪褜. 袉 屑芯卸谢懈胁芯, 薪械 胁褋械 褋褌邪薪械 胁邪屑 胁 薪邪谐芯写褨. 携 薪邪胁褨褌褜 写褍屑邪褞, 褖芯 褑械 薪械 褌邪 泻薪懈卸泻邪, 褟泻褍 褌褉械斜邪 褔懈褌邪褌懈 谢褨薪褨泄薪芯 - 胁褨写 芯斜谢邪写懈薪泻懈 褨 邪卸 写芯 泻褨薪褑褟. 袦械薪褨 胁懈写邪褦褌褜褋褟, 褖芯 斜褨谢褜褕 锌芯屑褨褔薪懈屑 斜褍写械 褔懈褌邪褌懈 褌褨 褉芯蟹写褨谢懈, 褟泻褨 胁懈写邪褞褌褜褋褟 胁邪屑 邪泻褌褍邪谢褜薪懈屑懈. 袉 褌邪泻, 褑褟 泻薪懈卸泻邪 褑褨谢泻芯屑 屑芯卸械 斜褍褌懈 薪邪 锌芯谢懈褑褨 "锌褨写 褉褍泻芯褞", 褋械褉械写 褌懈褏 泻薪懈卸芯泻, 写芯 褟泻懈褏 胁褋械褉褨胁薪芯 褔邪褋 胁褨写 褔邪褋褍 褌褟谐薪械褌褜褋褟 褉褍泻邪. 袙芯薪邪 写褨泄褋薪芯 褏芯褉芯褕邪 褨 锌芯屑褨褔薪邪.
袙褨写 锌芯褏芯写褍 写芯 锌褋懈褏芯褌械褉邪褌械胁褌邪 胁邪褋 薪械 蟹胁褨谢褜薪懈褌褜, 邪谢械 褌褉芯褏懈 褌邪褉谐邪薪褨胁 胁 谐芯谢芯胁褨 锌芯谐邪薪褟褦.
袗谢械, 褟泻褖芯 胁褨写谐褍泻 - 褑械 锌褉芯 胁谢邪褋薪懈泄 写芯褋胁褨写, 褌芯 褟 芯褋芯斜懈褋褌芯 薪褨褔芯谐芯 褑褨褦褞 泻薪懈谐芯褞 薪械 "胁懈谢褨泻褍胁邪谢邪", 斜芯 胁懈褟胁懈谢芯褋褜, 褖芯 屑械薪褨 蟹邪 谢褨泻邪屑懈 薪械 褍 褑褞 泻薪懈卸泻褍.
笑械 薪械 芯蟹薪邪褔邪褦, 褖芯 泻薪懈谐邪 - 泻械锌褋褜泻邪. 袣薪懈卸泻邪 泻褉褍褌邪!
袘褨谢褜褕 褌芯谐芯, 褟 斜 褏芯褌褨谢邪 锌褉芯褔懈褌邪褌懈 褩褩 褉芯泻褨胁 写械褋褟褌褜 褌芯屑褍. 孝芯写褨 屑褨泄 斜懈 褕谢褟褏 写芯 "蟹褑褨谢械薪薪褟" 斜褍胁 屑械薪褕 褌械褉薪懈褋褌懈屑 褌邪 胁邪卸泻懈屑.
袙 泻薪懈蟹褨 斜邪谐邪褌芯 锌褉懈泻谢邪写褨胁, 芯锌懈褋褨胁, 锌芯褟褋薪械薪褜. 袉 屑芯卸谢懈胁芯, 薪械 胁褋械 褋褌邪薪械 胁邪屑 胁 薪邪谐芯写褨. 携 薪邪胁褨褌褜 写褍屑邪褞, 褖芯 褑械 薪械 褌邪 泻薪懈卸泻邪, 褟泻褍 褌褉械斜邪 褔懈褌邪褌懈 谢褨薪褨泄薪芯 - 胁褨写 芯斜谢邪写懈薪泻懈 褨 邪卸 写芯 泻褨薪褑褟. 袦械薪褨 胁懈写邪褦褌褜褋褟, 褖芯 斜褨谢褜褕 锌芯屑褨褔薪懈屑 斜褍写械 褔懈褌邪褌懈 褌褨 褉芯蟹写褨谢懈, 褟泻褨 胁懈写邪褞褌褜褋褟 胁邪屑 邪泻褌褍邪谢褜薪懈屑懈. 袉 褌邪泻, 褑褟 泻薪懈卸泻邪 褑褨谢泻芯屑 屑芯卸械 斜褍褌懈 薪邪 锌芯谢懈褑褨 "锌褨写 褉褍泻芯褞", 褋械褉械写 褌懈褏 泻薪懈卸芯泻, 写芯 褟泻懈褏 胁褋械褉褨胁薪芯 褔邪褋 胁褨写 褔邪褋褍 褌褟谐薪械褌褜褋褟 褉褍泻邪. 袙芯薪邪 写褨泄褋薪芯 褏芯褉芯褕邪 褨 锌芯屑褨褔薪邪.
袙褨写 锌芯褏芯写褍 写芯 锌褋懈褏芯褌械褉邪褌械胁褌邪 胁邪褋 薪械 蟹胁褨谢褜薪懈褌褜, 邪谢械 褌褉芯褏懈 褌邪褉谐邪薪褨胁 胁 谐芯谢芯胁褨 锌芯谐邪薪褟褦.
April 30, 2025
Not worth the paper it's printed on.
Reviewed in the United States on May 31, 2020
Book Review
Negative 1 stars
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
"Not worth the paper it's printed on."
****
I picked up this book at the behest of my sister.
(She and I grew up in the same house with two damaged parents: One of them grew up in a destitute household and was a heroin addict for several decades and up until the end of his life. The other grew up rejected by her father and as a stepchild with two lighter-skinned siblings that were treated better.)
Even from the beginning, this author started off on the wrong foot with this me.
-The first red flag is that this book is published on a no-name label. And that's a bad sign, because when authors have something to say then they can usually get it said with a more reputable publishing house.
-The second red flag is that this doesn't appear to be that well-researched of a book. I count 36 references (including one from the Dalai Lama) , and only about 5 of them to peer-reviewed journals. The rest are all books (which may or MAY NOT have something to say, and are NOT subject to any type of peer review).
All are referenced to embedded notes, and almost none of them point directly to a page in these books (that may or may not have been of impact).
-The third red flag is that I have some questions about the author's background. As I look on her biography page, she notes that she changed majors 3 times in undergraduate and then she took *one* course in Developmental Psychology at the end. That led to a MS, and a Psy.D in between two different institutions. (It helps *none* that Psychology is one of those disciplines where diagnoses just vanish because people all of a sudden stop believing in them.)
There is no mention of the author having built her own successful family. (It makes me feel the way that I would about taking piano/composition lessons from a teacher who doesn't actually play: You can be a great pianist/composer without much theory, but a broad theory background does not make you a great pianist/composer.)
It has been observed more than one time that people who have their own mental issues spend their lives trying to solve those of others.
-The fourth red flag is that I just don't see where is the author's empirical component. Of course, there were these people called Freudian psychologists who could write books that were copiously sourced--even though there is no connection to empirical data. But, I wouldn't have a problem if this author had some type of quantitative model that she was developing sui generis.
She doesn't.
**
Gibson tries to sell us on this ipse dixit notion of "emotionally immature" parents. (She *finally* gets around to trying to define it about 28 pages into the book. Not too well, as it happened.)
But, the questions I have are......
1. If somebody cannot develop because they never were in a position to do so.... Is it fair to call them "immature?" (My own father had 5 brothers and 1 sister and shared a house with another family that had 10 children.)
2. How can you give what you don't have? If you never had a chance to develop yourself growing up (because you were too worried about where that next crust of bread would come from), how do you try to teach your children what you don't know?
3. Some parents don't have emotional closeness, but other people go to the other extreme and develop relationships with their children that are so close that they enable the child's failure-to-launch. (Seen it many times.) Where to draw the line? How to differentiate?
4. Is there a genetic aspect to any of this? I just finished reading a pretty decent book by Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas (Know Your Child) about their 32 year longitudinal study of children developing into adults.
The bottom line is that much of people's personality traits are genetic.
And so this brings a restatement of the second question: If somebody is just genetically neurotic / with a poor personality, does it make any more sense to call them "immature" than it does to call somebody with hypothyroid "lazy"?
5. Okay, so you have determined that your parents were not perfect.
So now what?
Is it the first time that Imperfect Parents has happened?
Is there still no reason for you to recover the time that you have left with something that is important to you?
*
Verdict: I'm not going to be able to recommend this book as anything other than kindling for the barbecue pit.
My sister and I were raised in the same house by the same two damaged people, and we have both taken very different strategies to optimize the time that's left.
Mine:
1. Build my own family;
2. Understand that sunk costs are sunk and the clutching hand of time cannot be pried loose;
3. Be aware of the things that my own parents did wrong so that I don't make the same mistakes (there's absolutely NO EXCUSE for not learning from the bad experiences that you may have had);
4. Live around a community of people (Orthodox Jews in my case) that have a lot of family experience and positive examples of healthy living as well as what NOT to do.
5. Focus on getting as much as can be had out of the time that is left. And that's because the only possible final result is senescence and death--whether you solve this problem or not.
6. Decide by trial-and-error the appropriate distance between you and the parents. (The relationship may not be repairable, and it may not be worth it to pitch good time after bad.)
Her strategy:
1. Don't build a family (no husband or children);
2. Keep dwelling on the Irrevocable Past/Beating On Old Graves;
3. Keep trying to find meaning in solving Other People's Problems (first as a Peace Corps Volunteer and later in development work in 3rd world countries).
And yet this book makes sense to her!
It's *precisely* the fact that a book like this makes sense to her that is the most profound evidence that it is wrong.
I Read 50 pages, and that is time that I cannot get back.
But (again): sunk costs are sunk.
NOT recommended even at the price of $0.01.
the only way that I would read this book is if somebody paid me about $100 to read it. ($25 for each of 4 hours.)
Reviewed in the United States on May 31, 2020
Book Review
Negative 1 stars
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
"Not worth the paper it's printed on."
****
I picked up this book at the behest of my sister.
(She and I grew up in the same house with two damaged parents: One of them grew up in a destitute household and was a heroin addict for several decades and up until the end of his life. The other grew up rejected by her father and as a stepchild with two lighter-skinned siblings that were treated better.)
Even from the beginning, this author started off on the wrong foot with this me.
-The first red flag is that this book is published on a no-name label. And that's a bad sign, because when authors have something to say then they can usually get it said with a more reputable publishing house.
-The second red flag is that this doesn't appear to be that well-researched of a book. I count 36 references (including one from the Dalai Lama) , and only about 5 of them to peer-reviewed journals. The rest are all books (which may or MAY NOT have something to say, and are NOT subject to any type of peer review).
All are referenced to embedded notes, and almost none of them point directly to a page in these books (that may or may not have been of impact).
-The third red flag is that I have some questions about the author's background. As I look on her biography page, she notes that she changed majors 3 times in undergraduate and then she took *one* course in Developmental Psychology at the end. That led to a MS, and a Psy.D in between two different institutions. (It helps *none* that Psychology is one of those disciplines where diagnoses just vanish because people all of a sudden stop believing in them.)
There is no mention of the author having built her own successful family. (It makes me feel the way that I would about taking piano/composition lessons from a teacher who doesn't actually play: You can be a great pianist/composer without much theory, but a broad theory background does not make you a great pianist/composer.)
It has been observed more than one time that people who have their own mental issues spend their lives trying to solve those of others.
-The fourth red flag is that I just don't see where is the author's empirical component. Of course, there were these people called Freudian psychologists who could write books that were copiously sourced--even though there is no connection to empirical data. But, I wouldn't have a problem if this author had some type of quantitative model that she was developing sui generis.
She doesn't.
**
Gibson tries to sell us on this ipse dixit notion of "emotionally immature" parents. (She *finally* gets around to trying to define it about 28 pages into the book. Not too well, as it happened.)
But, the questions I have are......
1. If somebody cannot develop because they never were in a position to do so.... Is it fair to call them "immature?" (My own father had 5 brothers and 1 sister and shared a house with another family that had 10 children.)
2. How can you give what you don't have? If you never had a chance to develop yourself growing up (because you were too worried about where that next crust of bread would come from), how do you try to teach your children what you don't know?
3. Some parents don't have emotional closeness, but other people go to the other extreme and develop relationships with their children that are so close that they enable the child's failure-to-launch. (Seen it many times.) Where to draw the line? How to differentiate?
4. Is there a genetic aspect to any of this? I just finished reading a pretty decent book by Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas (Know Your Child) about their 32 year longitudinal study of children developing into adults.
The bottom line is that much of people's personality traits are genetic.
And so this brings a restatement of the second question: If somebody is just genetically neurotic / with a poor personality, does it make any more sense to call them "immature" than it does to call somebody with hypothyroid "lazy"?
5. Okay, so you have determined that your parents were not perfect.
So now what?
Is it the first time that Imperfect Parents has happened?
Is there still no reason for you to recover the time that you have left with something that is important to you?
*
Verdict: I'm not going to be able to recommend this book as anything other than kindling for the barbecue pit.
My sister and I were raised in the same house by the same two damaged people, and we have both taken very different strategies to optimize the time that's left.
Mine:
1. Build my own family;
2. Understand that sunk costs are sunk and the clutching hand of time cannot be pried loose;
3. Be aware of the things that my own parents did wrong so that I don't make the same mistakes (there's absolutely NO EXCUSE for not learning from the bad experiences that you may have had);
4. Live around a community of people (Orthodox Jews in my case) that have a lot of family experience and positive examples of healthy living as well as what NOT to do.
5. Focus on getting as much as can be had out of the time that is left. And that's because the only possible final result is senescence and death--whether you solve this problem or not.
6. Decide by trial-and-error the appropriate distance between you and the parents. (The relationship may not be repairable, and it may not be worth it to pitch good time after bad.)
Her strategy:
1. Don't build a family (no husband or children);
2. Keep dwelling on the Irrevocable Past/Beating On Old Graves;
3. Keep trying to find meaning in solving Other People's Problems (first as a Peace Corps Volunteer and later in development work in 3rd world countries).
And yet this book makes sense to her!
It's *precisely* the fact that a book like this makes sense to her that is the most profound evidence that it is wrong.
I Read 50 pages, and that is time that I cannot get back.
But (again): sunk costs are sunk.
NOT recommended even at the price of $0.01.
the only way that I would read this book is if somebody paid me about $100 to read it. ($25 for each of 4 hours.)
November 15, 2023
It's encouraging that this book exists. I think a lot of the time we convince ourselves that we are the only ones being dragged up by children while everyone else is growing up in a nuclear family but actually there's a whole generation of us.
While I read a fair bit of nonfiction, I'm not a fan of this format. I prefer a narrative style as I find it more engaging. However, I appreciate with this topic, that format probably wouldn't have worked.
The writing style here is very dry and feels very academic. That said, the case studies and examples did hold my attention, probably because it felt more like a story.
I would listen to a podcast or a TED talk on this subject and I think that's where I head next.
I don't want to put anyone off this book, I did takeaway a lot听from it but at times it felt like a struggle, and it took me a long time to get through because this isn't a format that engages me.
While I read a fair bit of nonfiction, I'm not a fan of this format. I prefer a narrative style as I find it more engaging. However, I appreciate with this topic, that format probably wouldn't have worked.
The writing style here is very dry and feels very academic. That said, the case studies and examples did hold my attention, probably because it felt more like a story.
I would listen to a podcast or a TED talk on this subject and I think that's where I head next.
I don't want to put anyone off this book, I did takeaway a lot听from it but at times it felt like a struggle, and it took me a long time to get through because this isn't a format that engages me.
August 20, 2020
禺賵亘 賲賳 丕夭 賴賲蹖賳 丕賱丕賳 丨丿爻 賲蹖夭賳賲 亘丕 鬲賵噩賴 亘賴 乇賲丕賳 賳亘賵丿賳 賵 賳丕卮賳丕禺鬲賴 亘賵丿賳 丕蹖賳 讴鬲丕亘貙 丕蹖賳 乇賵蹖賵 夭蹖丕丿 禺賵賳丿賴 賳卮賴!
賵賱蹖 毓蹖亘 賳丿丕乇賴 丨鬲蹖 丕诏賴 蹖讴 賳賮乇 丕蹖賳 賲鬲賳 乇賵 亘亘蹖賳賴 賵 鬲氐賲蹖賲 亘诏蹖乇賴 丕蹖賳 讴鬲丕亘賵 亘禺賵賳賴 蹖丕 亘賴 丿爻鬲 蹖讴蹖 讴賴 賱丕夭賲 丿丕乇賴 亘乇爻賵賳賴貙 賲賳 亘賴 賴丿賮賲 乇爻蹖丿賲!
賱蹖賳讴 丿丕賳賱賵丿:
...
丕蹖賳 讴鬲丕亘 賵丕爻賴 爻賴 丿爻鬲賴 丕夭 丌丿賲 賴丕 "亘蹖卮鬲乇" 賲賮蹖丿賴.
讴鬲丕亘 丿乇 乇丕亘胤賴 亘丕 賮乇夭丕賳丿丕賳 賵丕賱丿蹖賳蹖 賴爻鬲卮 讴賴 亘賴 亘賱賵睾 毓丕胤賮蹖 賳乇爻蹖丿賳. 蹖毓賳蹖 趩蹖責
賵蹖跇诏蹖 亘丕乇夭 丕蹖賳 賵丕賱丿蹖賳 丕蹖賳賴 讴賴 賴乇趩賯丿乇 賴賲 鬲賱丕卮 讴賳蹖 賳賲蹖鬲賵賳蹖 亘丕賴丕卮賵賳 亘賴 丕賵賳 氐賲蹖賲鬲 蹖丕 賳夭丿蹖讴蹖 讴賴 賱丕夭賲賴 亘乇爻賴. 丕蹖賳 丕賮乇丕丿 亘賴 毓賳賵丕賳 賵丕賱丿貙 賮乇丕賴賲 讴乇丿賳 禺賵賳賴 賵 禺賵乇丕讴 賵 丕蹖賳 賳蹖丕夭 賴丕蹖 賲丕丿蹖 乇賵 賵馗蹖賮賴 蹖 丕氐賱蹖 禺賵丿卮賵賳 賲蹖丿賵賳賳 賵 丕鬲賮丕賯丕 禺蹖賱蹖 賴丕卮賵賳賲 丕夭 丕蹖賳 丨蹖孬 讴賲 賳賲蹖匕丕乇賳. 賵賱蹖 賳賵亘鬲 亘賴 賳蹖丕夭賴丕蹖 丕丨爻丕爻蹖 賵 毓丕胤賮蹖 讴賴 賲蹖乇爻賴貙 鬲賵噩賴蹖 亘賴 賮乇夭賳丿卮賵賳 賳丿丕乇賳.
乇蹖卮賴 蹖 丕蹖賳 乇賮鬲丕乇卮賵賳 趩蹖賴責 丕蹖賳丕 賲毓賲賵賱丕 鬲賵蹖 禺丕賳賵丕丿賴 賴丕蹖蹖 亘夭乇诏 卮丿賳 讴賴 亘賴卮賵賳 丕噩丕夭賴 蹖 亘乇賵夭 丕丨爻丕爻鬲 胤亘蹖毓蹖 丕賳爻丕賳蹖 賲孬賱: 禺賵卮丨丕賱蹖 賵 睾賲 丿丕丿賴 賳賲蹖卮丿賴! 讴賴 亘賴 賳馗乇 賲賳 賵 胤亘賯 丿蹖丿賴 賴丕賲貙 鬲毓丿丕丿 夭蹖丕丿蹖 丕夭 禺丕賳賵丕丿賴 賴丕蹖 丕蹖乇丕賳蹖 乇賵 卮丕賲賱 賲蹖卮賴!
禺賵亘 倬爻 丕蹖賳 讴鬲丕亘 丕賵賱 丕夭 賴賲賴 賵丕爻賴 讴爻丕蹖蹖 禺賵亘賴 讴賴 亘丕 賴賲趩蹖賳 賵丕賱丿蹖賳蹖 亘夭乇诏 卮丿賳.
诏乇賵賴 丿賵賲蹖 讴賴 丕蹖賳 讴鬲丕亘賵 亘賴卮賵賳 鬲賵氐蹖賴 賲蹖讴賳賲 讴爻丕蹖蹖賴 讴賴 禺賵丿卮賵賳 賴蹖趩 賵賯鬲 賳鬲賵賳爻鬲賳 丕賵賳 賳夭丿蹖讴蹖 毓丕胤賮蹖 賱丕夭賲 乇賵 亘丕 亘賯蹖賴 亘賴 丿爻鬲 亘蹖丕乇賳. 丕蹖賳噩丕 亘丕蹖丿 亘亘蹖賳賳 賲卮讴賱 丕夭 禺賵丿卮賵賳賴 蹖丕 讴爻丕蹖蹖 讴賴 亘丕賴丕卮賵賳 爻乇 賵 讴丕乇 丿丕卮鬲賳 賲卮讴賱 丿丕卮鬲賳!
丿爻鬲賴 蹖 爻賵賲貙 讴爻丕蹖蹖賳 讴賴 賲蹖禺賵丕賳 丿乇 丌蹖賳丿賴 亘趩賴 亘蹖丕乇賳 蹖丕 亘賴 賮乇夭賳丿蹖 亘诏蹖乇賳 賵 丕蹖賳賵 鬲賵蹖 丕賮賯 夭賳丿诏蹖卮賵賳 貙 賴乇趩賯丿乇賲 亘賱賳丿 賲丿鬲 賲蹖亘蹖賳賳.
丕蹖賳 讴鬲丕亘 賳卮賵賳 賲蹖丿賴 丕孬乇 鬲乇亘蹖鬲 卮賲丕 鬲丕 趩賳丿 賳爻賱 丿蹖诏賴 賲蹖鬲賵賳賴 禺賵丿卮賵 賳卮賵賳 亘丿賴 賵 丕诏賴 卮賲丕 亘趩賴 丕鬲 乇賵 丕夭 賳馗乇 丕丨爻丕爻蹖 爻乇讴賵亘 讴賳蹖貙 趩賴 亘爻丕 賳賵賴 賴丕鬲 賴賲 丿趩丕乇 賲卮讴賱 亘卮賳! 倬爻 丕诏賴 丕夭 讴爻蹖 乇賵 賲蹖卮賳丕爻蹖賳 讴賴 亘賴 毓賲賯 噩丿蹖 亘賵丿賳 賮乇夭賳丿丌賵乇蹖 賵 鬲乇亘蹖鬲 丕賵賳丕 賳乇爻蹖丿賴貙 丕蹖賳 讴鬲丕亘賵 亘讴賳蹖賳 鬲賵 丌爻鬲蹖賳卮! (丕噩丕夭賴 丿丕乇賲 亘诏賲 亘賴 賳馗乇 亘賳丿賴 丕蹖賳噩賵乇 丌丿賲賴丕 賲毓賲賵賱丕 讴賲鬲乇 讴鬲丕亘 賲蹖禺賵賳賳 蹖丕 趩蹖責)
......
賳讴丕鬲 賲孬亘鬲 丕蹖賳 讴鬲丕亘
* 賳賵蹖爻賳丿賴 蹖 讴鬲丕亘 丿讴鬲乇丕蹖 乇賵丕賳卮賳丕爻蹖 丿丕乇賴 賵 爻丕賱賴丕爻鬲 鬲賲乇讴夭卮賵 诏匕丕卮鬲賴 乇賵蹖 丕蹖賳 賲賵囟賵毓. 倬爻 丌丿賲蹖 賳蹖爻鬲 讴賴 蹖讴 卮亘賴 賲毓乇賵賮 賵 噩賵诏蹖乇 卮丿賴 亘丕卮賴 賵 亘禺賵丕丿 讴賱蹖 卮毓丕乇 乇賵 亘讴賳賴 鬲賵 趩卮賲鬲賵賳.
* 亘賴 禺丕胤乇 賲賵乇丿 賯亘賱貙 賵爻胤 鬲賵囟蹖丨丕鬲卮 丕夭 讴蹖爻 賴丕蹖 鬲乇丕倬蹖 賵 賲卮丕賵乇賴 丕卮 賲孬丕賱 賲蹖夭賳賴 讴賴 亘丕毓孬 賲蹖卮賴 賲賵囟賵毓 乇賵卮賳 鬲乇 亘卮賴. 讴賴 丕诏賴 丨乇賮丕卮 亘乇丕鬲賵賳 乇賵卮賳 亘賵丿賴 亘丕卮賴 賲蹖鬲賵賳蹖賳 丕夭卮賵賳 乇丿 卮蹖賳 - 讴丕乇蹖 讴賴 賲賳 賲蹖 讴乇丿賲.
* 讴鬲丕亘 丿爻鬲賴 亘賳丿蹖 賴丕蹖 乇賵卮賳 賵 卮賮丕賮蹖 丿丕乇賴. 禺賵丿 丕蹖賳 賵丕賱丿蹖賳 乇賵 亘賴 4 丿爻鬲賴 蹖 丕氐賱蹖 鬲賯爻蹖賲 賲蹖讴賳賴 賵 賵蹖跇诏蹖 賴乇 讴丿賵賲賵 賲蹖诏賴. 蹖丕 賲蹖诏賴 賮乇夭賳丿丕賳 丕蹖賳丕 亘賴 丿賵 丿爻鬲賴 蹖 讴賱蹖 -讴賴 賳賲蹖丿賵賳賲 趩蹖 鬲乇噩賲賴 卮賵賳 讴賳賲!- 鬲賯爻蹖賲 賲蹖卮賳.
* 賯胤乇卮 丕賵賳 賯丿乇 賳蹖爻鬲 讴賴 丨賵氐賱賴 鬲賵賳 爻乇 亘乇賴 賵 蹖讴 乇丕爻鬲 乇賮鬲賴 爻乇丕睾 丕氐賱 賲胤賱亘!
* 賵丕爻賴 讴賳丕乇 丕賵賲丿賳 亘丕 丕蹖賳 丕賮乇丕丿 乇丕賴讴丕乇 賲蹖丿賴. 賲蹖诏賴 亘丕蹖丿 丕夭 亘賳丿卮賵賳 亘蹖丕蹖賳 亘蹖乇賵賳貙 賴乇趩賯丿乇 賴賲 丿賱鬲賵賳 亘乇丕卮賵賳 亘爻賵夭賴 賵 賴乇趩賯丿乇 賴賲 亘賴 賳馗乇鬲賵賳 鬲賳賴丕 亘丕卮賳 亘丕蹖丿 禺賵丿鬲賵賳 乇賵 丕夭卮賵賳 噩丿丕 讴賳蹖賳. 鬲賵蹖 賮氐賱 丌禺乇 賴賲 賲蹖诏賴: 賮乇夭賳丿丕賳貙 亘賴 禺丕胤乇 賵蹖跇诏蹖 賴丕蹖 賵丕賱丿卮賵賳 丿乇 丕丿丕賲賴 蹖 夭賳丿诏蹖卮賵賳 賴賲 鬲賲丕蹖賱 丿丕乇賳 亘賴 爻賲鬲 丿賵爻鬲丕賳 蹖丕 卮乇蹖讴 夭賳丿诏蹖 亘丕 賵蹖跇诏蹖 賴丕蹖 賲卮丕亘賴 噩匕亘 亘卮賳. 倬爻 乇丕賴 丨賱 賲蹖丿賴 讴賴 趩噩賵乇蹖 丕蹖賳 丕賮乇丕丿 乇賵 鬲卮禺蹖氐 亘丿賳 賵 亘賴 噩丕卮 賵丕乇丿 乇丕亘胤賴 亘丕 丕賮乇丕丿蹖 讴賴 亘賴 亘賱賵睾 乇爻蹖丿賳 亘卮賳.
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丿乇 丌禺乇 賲賳 鬲賵蹖 夭賳丿诏蹖賲 亘丕 丌丿賲賴丕蹖蹖 乇賵亘賴 乇賵 卮丿賲 讴賴 丨爻 賲蹖讴乇丿賲 蹖讴 噩丕蹖 讴丕乇卮賵賳 賲蹖賱賳诏賴 趩賵賳 賴乇 趩賯丿乇 賴賲 丕賳乇跇蹖 賲蹖匕丕乇賲 賵 鬲賱丕卮 賲蹖讴賳賲 賳賲蹖鬲賵賳蹖賲 亘賴 蹖讴 鬲賮丕賴賲 夭亘丕賳蹖 亘乇爻蹖賲 賵 賴賲蹖卮賴 丕夭 丨乇賮賴丕賲 蹖讴 亘乇丿丕卮鬲 丿蹖诏賴 賲蹖卮賴! 賵賱蹖 賳賲蹖丿賵賳爻鬲賲 趩乇丕 賵 丿賯蹖賯丕 趩蹖 亘賴卮賵賳 賲蹖诏賳! 丕賱丕賳 賮賴賲蹖丿賲!
賵賱蹖 毓蹖亘 賳丿丕乇賴 丨鬲蹖 丕诏賴 蹖讴 賳賮乇 丕蹖賳 賲鬲賳 乇賵 亘亘蹖賳賴 賵 鬲氐賲蹖賲 亘诏蹖乇賴 丕蹖賳 讴鬲丕亘賵 亘禺賵賳賴 蹖丕 亘賴 丿爻鬲 蹖讴蹖 讴賴 賱丕夭賲 丿丕乇賴 亘乇爻賵賳賴貙 賲賳 亘賴 賴丿賮賲 乇爻蹖丿賲!
賱蹖賳讴 丿丕賳賱賵丿:
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丕蹖賳 讴鬲丕亘 賵丕爻賴 爻賴 丿爻鬲賴 丕夭 丌丿賲 賴丕 "亘蹖卮鬲乇" 賲賮蹖丿賴.
讴鬲丕亘 丿乇 乇丕亘胤賴 亘丕 賮乇夭丕賳丿丕賳 賵丕賱丿蹖賳蹖 賴爻鬲卮 讴賴 亘賴 亘賱賵睾 毓丕胤賮蹖 賳乇爻蹖丿賳. 蹖毓賳蹖 趩蹖責
賵蹖跇诏蹖 亘丕乇夭 丕蹖賳 賵丕賱丿蹖賳 丕蹖賳賴 讴賴 賴乇趩賯丿乇 賴賲 鬲賱丕卮 讴賳蹖 賳賲蹖鬲賵賳蹖 亘丕賴丕卮賵賳 亘賴 丕賵賳 氐賲蹖賲鬲 蹖丕 賳夭丿蹖讴蹖 讴賴 賱丕夭賲賴 亘乇爻賴. 丕蹖賳 丕賮乇丕丿 亘賴 毓賳賵丕賳 賵丕賱丿貙 賮乇丕賴賲 讴乇丿賳 禺賵賳賴 賵 禺賵乇丕讴 賵 丕蹖賳 賳蹖丕夭 賴丕蹖 賲丕丿蹖 乇賵 賵馗蹖賮賴 蹖 丕氐賱蹖 禺賵丿卮賵賳 賲蹖丿賵賳賳 賵 丕鬲賮丕賯丕 禺蹖賱蹖 賴丕卮賵賳賲 丕夭 丕蹖賳 丨蹖孬 讴賲 賳賲蹖匕丕乇賳. 賵賱蹖 賳賵亘鬲 亘賴 賳蹖丕夭賴丕蹖 丕丨爻丕爻蹖 賵 毓丕胤賮蹖 讴賴 賲蹖乇爻賴貙 鬲賵噩賴蹖 亘賴 賮乇夭賳丿卮賵賳 賳丿丕乇賳.
乇蹖卮賴 蹖 丕蹖賳 乇賮鬲丕乇卮賵賳 趩蹖賴責 丕蹖賳丕 賲毓賲賵賱丕 鬲賵蹖 禺丕賳賵丕丿賴 賴丕蹖蹖 亘夭乇诏 卮丿賳 讴賴 亘賴卮賵賳 丕噩丕夭賴 蹖 亘乇賵夭 丕丨爻丕爻鬲 胤亘蹖毓蹖 丕賳爻丕賳蹖 賲孬賱: 禺賵卮丨丕賱蹖 賵 睾賲 丿丕丿賴 賳賲蹖卮丿賴! 讴賴 亘賴 賳馗乇 賲賳 賵 胤亘賯 丿蹖丿賴 賴丕賲貙 鬲毓丿丕丿 夭蹖丕丿蹖 丕夭 禺丕賳賵丕丿賴 賴丕蹖 丕蹖乇丕賳蹖 乇賵 卮丕賲賱 賲蹖卮賴!
禺賵亘 倬爻 丕蹖賳 讴鬲丕亘 丕賵賱 丕夭 賴賲賴 賵丕爻賴 讴爻丕蹖蹖 禺賵亘賴 讴賴 亘丕 賴賲趩蹖賳 賵丕賱丿蹖賳蹖 亘夭乇诏 卮丿賳.
诏乇賵賴 丿賵賲蹖 讴賴 丕蹖賳 讴鬲丕亘賵 亘賴卮賵賳 鬲賵氐蹖賴 賲蹖讴賳賲 讴爻丕蹖蹖賴 讴賴 禺賵丿卮賵賳 賴蹖趩 賵賯鬲 賳鬲賵賳爻鬲賳 丕賵賳 賳夭丿蹖讴蹖 毓丕胤賮蹖 賱丕夭賲 乇賵 亘丕 亘賯蹖賴 亘賴 丿爻鬲 亘蹖丕乇賳. 丕蹖賳噩丕 亘丕蹖丿 亘亘蹖賳賳 賲卮讴賱 丕夭 禺賵丿卮賵賳賴 蹖丕 讴爻丕蹖蹖 讴賴 亘丕賴丕卮賵賳 爻乇 賵 讴丕乇 丿丕卮鬲賳 賲卮讴賱 丿丕卮鬲賳!
丿爻鬲賴 蹖 爻賵賲貙 讴爻丕蹖蹖賳 讴賴 賲蹖禺賵丕賳 丿乇 丌蹖賳丿賴 亘趩賴 亘蹖丕乇賳 蹖丕 亘賴 賮乇夭賳丿蹖 亘诏蹖乇賳 賵 丕蹖賳賵 鬲賵蹖 丕賮賯 夭賳丿诏蹖卮賵賳 貙 賴乇趩賯丿乇賲 亘賱賳丿 賲丿鬲 賲蹖亘蹖賳賳.
丕蹖賳 讴鬲丕亘 賳卮賵賳 賲蹖丿賴 丕孬乇 鬲乇亘蹖鬲 卮賲丕 鬲丕 趩賳丿 賳爻賱 丿蹖诏賴 賲蹖鬲賵賳賴 禺賵丿卮賵 賳卮賵賳 亘丿賴 賵 丕诏賴 卮賲丕 亘趩賴 丕鬲 乇賵 丕夭 賳馗乇 丕丨爻丕爻蹖 爻乇讴賵亘 讴賳蹖貙 趩賴 亘爻丕 賳賵賴 賴丕鬲 賴賲 丿趩丕乇 賲卮讴賱 亘卮賳! 倬爻 丕诏賴 丕夭 讴爻蹖 乇賵 賲蹖卮賳丕爻蹖賳 讴賴 亘賴 毓賲賯 噩丿蹖 亘賵丿賳 賮乇夭賳丿丌賵乇蹖 賵 鬲乇亘蹖鬲 丕賵賳丕 賳乇爻蹖丿賴貙 丕蹖賳 讴鬲丕亘賵 亘讴賳蹖賳 鬲賵 丌爻鬲蹖賳卮! (丕噩丕夭賴 丿丕乇賲 亘诏賲 亘賴 賳馗乇 亘賳丿賴 丕蹖賳噩賵乇 丌丿賲賴丕 賲毓賲賵賱丕 讴賲鬲乇 讴鬲丕亘 賲蹖禺賵賳賳 蹖丕 趩蹖責)
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賳讴丕鬲 賲孬亘鬲 丕蹖賳 讴鬲丕亘
* 賳賵蹖爻賳丿賴 蹖 讴鬲丕亘 丿讴鬲乇丕蹖 乇賵丕賳卮賳丕爻蹖 丿丕乇賴 賵 爻丕賱賴丕爻鬲 鬲賲乇讴夭卮賵 诏匕丕卮鬲賴 乇賵蹖 丕蹖賳 賲賵囟賵毓. 倬爻 丌丿賲蹖 賳蹖爻鬲 讴賴 蹖讴 卮亘賴 賲毓乇賵賮 賵 噩賵诏蹖乇 卮丿賴 亘丕卮賴 賵 亘禺賵丕丿 讴賱蹖 卮毓丕乇 乇賵 亘讴賳賴 鬲賵 趩卮賲鬲賵賳.
* 亘賴 禺丕胤乇 賲賵乇丿 賯亘賱貙 賵爻胤 鬲賵囟蹖丨丕鬲卮 丕夭 讴蹖爻 賴丕蹖 鬲乇丕倬蹖 賵 賲卮丕賵乇賴 丕卮 賲孬丕賱 賲蹖夭賳賴 讴賴 亘丕毓孬 賲蹖卮賴 賲賵囟賵毓 乇賵卮賳 鬲乇 亘卮賴. 讴賴 丕诏賴 丨乇賮丕卮 亘乇丕鬲賵賳 乇賵卮賳 亘賵丿賴 亘丕卮賴 賲蹖鬲賵賳蹖賳 丕夭卮賵賳 乇丿 卮蹖賳 - 讴丕乇蹖 讴賴 賲賳 賲蹖 讴乇丿賲.
* 讴鬲丕亘 丿爻鬲賴 亘賳丿蹖 賴丕蹖 乇賵卮賳 賵 卮賮丕賮蹖 丿丕乇賴. 禺賵丿 丕蹖賳 賵丕賱丿蹖賳 乇賵 亘賴 4 丿爻鬲賴 蹖 丕氐賱蹖 鬲賯爻蹖賲 賲蹖讴賳賴 賵 賵蹖跇诏蹖 賴乇 讴丿賵賲賵 賲蹖诏賴. 蹖丕 賲蹖诏賴 賮乇夭賳丿丕賳 丕蹖賳丕 亘賴 丿賵 丿爻鬲賴 蹖 讴賱蹖 -讴賴 賳賲蹖丿賵賳賲 趩蹖 鬲乇噩賲賴 卮賵賳 讴賳賲!- 鬲賯爻蹖賲 賲蹖卮賳.
* 賯胤乇卮 丕賵賳 賯丿乇 賳蹖爻鬲 讴賴 丨賵氐賱賴 鬲賵賳 爻乇 亘乇賴 賵 蹖讴 乇丕爻鬲 乇賮鬲賴 爻乇丕睾 丕氐賱 賲胤賱亘!
* 賵丕爻賴 讴賳丕乇 丕賵賲丿賳 亘丕 丕蹖賳 丕賮乇丕丿 乇丕賴讴丕乇 賲蹖丿賴. 賲蹖诏賴 亘丕蹖丿 丕夭 亘賳丿卮賵賳 亘蹖丕蹖賳 亘蹖乇賵賳貙 賴乇趩賯丿乇 賴賲 丿賱鬲賵賳 亘乇丕卮賵賳 亘爻賵夭賴 賵 賴乇趩賯丿乇 賴賲 亘賴 賳馗乇鬲賵賳 鬲賳賴丕 亘丕卮賳 亘丕蹖丿 禺賵丿鬲賵賳 乇賵 丕夭卮賵賳 噩丿丕 讴賳蹖賳. 鬲賵蹖 賮氐賱 丌禺乇 賴賲 賲蹖诏賴: 賮乇夭賳丿丕賳貙 亘賴 禺丕胤乇 賵蹖跇诏蹖 賴丕蹖 賵丕賱丿卮賵賳 丿乇 丕丿丕賲賴 蹖 夭賳丿诏蹖卮賵賳 賴賲 鬲賲丕蹖賱 丿丕乇賳 亘賴 爻賲鬲 丿賵爻鬲丕賳 蹖丕 卮乇蹖讴 夭賳丿诏蹖 亘丕 賵蹖跇诏蹖 賴丕蹖 賲卮丕亘賴 噩匕亘 亘卮賳. 倬爻 乇丕賴 丨賱 賲蹖丿賴 讴賴 趩噩賵乇蹖 丕蹖賳 丕賮乇丕丿 乇賵 鬲卮禺蹖氐 亘丿賳 賵 亘賴 噩丕卮 賵丕乇丿 乇丕亘胤賴 亘丕 丕賮乇丕丿蹖 讴賴 亘賴 亘賱賵睾 乇爻蹖丿賳 亘卮賳.
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丿乇 丌禺乇 賲賳 鬲賵蹖 夭賳丿诏蹖賲 亘丕 丌丿賲賴丕蹖蹖 乇賵亘賴 乇賵 卮丿賲 讴賴 丨爻 賲蹖讴乇丿賲 蹖讴 噩丕蹖 讴丕乇卮賵賳 賲蹖賱賳诏賴 趩賵賳 賴乇 趩賯丿乇 賴賲 丕賳乇跇蹖 賲蹖匕丕乇賲 賵 鬲賱丕卮 賲蹖讴賳賲 賳賲蹖鬲賵賳蹖賲 亘賴 蹖讴 鬲賮丕賴賲 夭亘丕賳蹖 亘乇爻蹖賲 賵 賴賲蹖卮賴 丕夭 丨乇賮賴丕賲 蹖讴 亘乇丿丕卮鬲 丿蹖诏賴 賲蹖卮賴! 賵賱蹖 賳賲蹖丿賵賳爻鬲賲 趩乇丕 賵 丿賯蹖賯丕 趩蹖 亘賴卮賵賳 賲蹖诏賳! 丕賱丕賳 賮賴賲蹖丿賲!
February 24, 2021
I found this book to be extremely helpful for my life. Currently, I'm in a position where I'm re-evaluating relationships that have failed and identifying why.
As the books says, it's common to find parents that fulfill your physical and financial needs without fulfilling your emotional needs. From a child's perspective, there can be tendency to envision your parents almost as Gods and infallible or that their loving qualities are being intentionally withheld from you. There can also be a belief that your own behavior will make them change. Whether it's through trying to help, listen, console, or beg for attention, there was a part of you that believed that you would eventually be shown the attention you were providing them or have your needs met.
This book gives the hard truth that a lot of people struggle with: it's likely that your parents are people who haven't healed their own emotional issues, can't offer you closeness or even show genuine emotional interest for who you are as a person. Their relationship with you is defined by their emotional scars. Whether this comes in the form of temper tantrums, rejecting you / showing you distance, letting someone else control them, losing track of time and consistency in their relationships -- they cannot and maybe even will not ever show you that close parent-child relationship.
I liked that this book was written in an objective way. This book isn't intended to teach you that you are right and they are bad people. It isn't intended for pointing fingers. This book tells you the truth: sometimes your parents haven't healed and they take it out on their kids and everyone else around them. This book will help you comes to terms with this. A lot of times with people like this, if you are close, it's more an enmeshment (you feeling as though you have to take care of your parent rather than the other way around). Every time you approach the relationship functioning from your inner child and with the expectation that if you did something differently, they will become the parent you want - you're going to feel disappointed every time.
Basically every time you change yourself to fit your parent's expectations by helping out with their kids, walking on eggshells, becoming more of what they want rather than who you are -- all these behaviors are self-defeating. You're setting yourself up to fail in other relationships in the long-run because you're accustomed to overvaluing someone else's perceptions rather than your own. Eventually, you will feel your inner voice creeping on you and telling you that something feels wrong with these learned behaviors that you have picked up.
This book basically provides long explanations of how a parent is an emotionally immature person, how you should let go of the dream of finally changing them, and how to stay objective and keep a relationship with them without expecting an emotionally fulfilling relationship back. It provides a good outline for other emotionally immature people, being mindful of people's maturity level before you get engaged about what you can expect from them, and suggests being objective as possible with people like this.
This book helped me understand friendships and relationships overall. It taught me where I learned to value other people more than myself, why I was doing this behavior, and how to make better decisions about who to have relationships with. It teaches you how to identify emotionally immature people and to keep your perception open for emotionally mature people that can reciprocate. By choosing emotionally immature people as friends or partners, it's likely that you're setting yourself up for failure because they tend to externalize themselves and their problems. People like this aren't likely to learn from mistakes and are more likely to repeat mistakes rather than learn from them. They tend not to self-reflect because they think that answers / circumstances to heal are outside of themselves.
You will know if you are dealing with an emotionally immature person if:
1. They are narrow-minded (once they have an opinion, they've made up their mind)
2. Doesn't deal with stress well
3. Have problems admitting mistakes, discount facts, blame other people
4. Expect other people to soothe them by doing what they want
5. Make decisions based on what feels good in the moment
6. Subjectively analyze things (based on how they feel rather than what is actually happening)
7. Egocentric without joy or openness (more from the perspective of insecurity and pain)
8. Likes to be the center of attention
9. Have intense but shallow emotions
10. Have low empathy / are emotionally insensitive (have a good ability to read other people's intentions and feelings but are superficially sentimental at most)
I've had both friendships and partners that resemble these traits and I understand why they were drawn to me. As more of an internalizer personality, I gave them a way to calm their stress down and make them feel like the center of attention. However when people are like this, they don't learn to self-reflect or consider how their actions / lifestyle contributed to their problems. Unfortunately being accommodating to people like this can be learned behavior from managing your parents with these same types of behaviors.
The point of this book is to let go of the dream that your parents or anyone in your life will change because you want them to. Be discerning of people and keep an eye out for people that can provide emotionally happy and reciprocal relationships rather than repeating learned behavior.
As the books says, it's common to find parents that fulfill your physical and financial needs without fulfilling your emotional needs. From a child's perspective, there can be tendency to envision your parents almost as Gods and infallible or that their loving qualities are being intentionally withheld from you. There can also be a belief that your own behavior will make them change. Whether it's through trying to help, listen, console, or beg for attention, there was a part of you that believed that you would eventually be shown the attention you were providing them or have your needs met.
This book gives the hard truth that a lot of people struggle with: it's likely that your parents are people who haven't healed their own emotional issues, can't offer you closeness or even show genuine emotional interest for who you are as a person. Their relationship with you is defined by their emotional scars. Whether this comes in the form of temper tantrums, rejecting you / showing you distance, letting someone else control them, losing track of time and consistency in their relationships -- they cannot and maybe even will not ever show you that close parent-child relationship.
I liked that this book was written in an objective way. This book isn't intended to teach you that you are right and they are bad people. It isn't intended for pointing fingers. This book tells you the truth: sometimes your parents haven't healed and they take it out on their kids and everyone else around them. This book will help you comes to terms with this. A lot of times with people like this, if you are close, it's more an enmeshment (you feeling as though you have to take care of your parent rather than the other way around). Every time you approach the relationship functioning from your inner child and with the expectation that if you did something differently, they will become the parent you want - you're going to feel disappointed every time.
Basically every time you change yourself to fit your parent's expectations by helping out with their kids, walking on eggshells, becoming more of what they want rather than who you are -- all these behaviors are self-defeating. You're setting yourself up to fail in other relationships in the long-run because you're accustomed to overvaluing someone else's perceptions rather than your own. Eventually, you will feel your inner voice creeping on you and telling you that something feels wrong with these learned behaviors that you have picked up.
This book basically provides long explanations of how a parent is an emotionally immature person, how you should let go of the dream of finally changing them, and how to stay objective and keep a relationship with them without expecting an emotionally fulfilling relationship back. It provides a good outline for other emotionally immature people, being mindful of people's maturity level before you get engaged about what you can expect from them, and suggests being objective as possible with people like this.
This book helped me understand friendships and relationships overall. It taught me where I learned to value other people more than myself, why I was doing this behavior, and how to make better decisions about who to have relationships with. It teaches you how to identify emotionally immature people and to keep your perception open for emotionally mature people that can reciprocate. By choosing emotionally immature people as friends or partners, it's likely that you're setting yourself up for failure because they tend to externalize themselves and their problems. People like this aren't likely to learn from mistakes and are more likely to repeat mistakes rather than learn from them. They tend not to self-reflect because they think that answers / circumstances to heal are outside of themselves.
You will know if you are dealing with an emotionally immature person if:
1. They are narrow-minded (once they have an opinion, they've made up their mind)
2. Doesn't deal with stress well
3. Have problems admitting mistakes, discount facts, blame other people
4. Expect other people to soothe them by doing what they want
5. Make decisions based on what feels good in the moment
6. Subjectively analyze things (based on how they feel rather than what is actually happening)
7. Egocentric without joy or openness (more from the perspective of insecurity and pain)
8. Likes to be the center of attention
9. Have intense but shallow emotions
10. Have low empathy / are emotionally insensitive (have a good ability to read other people's intentions and feelings but are superficially sentimental at most)
I've had both friendships and partners that resemble these traits and I understand why they were drawn to me. As more of an internalizer personality, I gave them a way to calm their stress down and make them feel like the center of attention. However when people are like this, they don't learn to self-reflect or consider how their actions / lifestyle contributed to their problems. Unfortunately being accommodating to people like this can be learned behavior from managing your parents with these same types of behaviors.
The point of this book is to let go of the dream that your parents or anyone in your life will change because you want them to. Be discerning of people and keep an eye out for people that can provide emotionally happy and reciprocal relationships rather than repeating learned behavior.
November 16, 2024
携 锌懈褋邪谢邪 褉械褑械薪蟹褨褞 薪邪 褑褞 泻薪懈谐褍 胁 屑械卸邪褏 褔械谢械写卸褍 写芯 泻薪懈卸泻芯胁芯谐芯 泻谢褍斜褍 褨 蟹邪斜褍谢邪 胁懈褋褌邪胁懈褌懈 胁褨写谐褍泻, 写芯胁械谢芯褋褟 泄芯谐芯 褋泻芯褉芯褌懈褌懈 屑邪泄卸械 胁写胁褨褔褨馃槀
携 写褍卸械 褉褨写泻芯 褔懈褌邪褞 锌褋懈褏芯谢芯谐褨褔薪褍 谢褨褌械褉邪褌褍褉褍, 邪谢械 屑械薪褨 褋锌芯写芯斜邪谢芯褋褟.
袙 泻薪懈蟹褨 薪邪胁械写械薪邪 写械褌邪谢褜薪邪 褏邪褉邪泻褌械褉懈褋褌懈泻邪 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 蟹褉褨谢懈褏 褌邪 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 薪械蟹褉褨谢懈褏 谢褞写械泄, 褉芯蟹泻褉懈褌褌褟 褌芯谐芯 褟泻 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 薪械蟹褉褨谢懈屑懈 斜邪褌褜泻邪屑懈 胁锌谢懈胁邪褦 薪邪 卸懈褌褌褟 写褨褌械泄 胁 屑邪泄斜褍褌薪褜芯屑褍.
笑褨谢褜芯胁芯褞 邪褍写懈褌芯褉褨褦褞 褑褨褦褩 泻薪懈谐懈 褦 谢褞写懈 褋褏懈谢褜薪褨 写芯 褋邪屑芯邪薪邪谢褨蟹褍, 褟泻懈屑 褏芯褔械褌褜褋褟 蟹'褟褋褍胁邪褌懈 锌褉懈褔懈薪懈 褋胁芯褦褩 薪械胁锌械胁薪械薪芯褋褌褨, 褋邪屑芯褌薪芯褋褌褨, 锌褉邪谐薪械薪薪褨 写芯谐芯写懈褌懈 褨薪褕懈屑, 褌褉懈胁芯卸薪芯褋褌褨. 携泻 褋泻邪蟹邪谢邪 邪胁褌芯褉泻邪 褑褟 泻薪懈谐邪 斜褍写械 褑褨泻邪胁邪 "褨薪褌械褉薪邪谢褨蟹邪褌芯褉邪屑".
袙 泻薪懈蟹褨 锌褉懈褋褍褌薪褟 写芯褋懈褌褜 薪邪写褨泄薪邪 写芯泻邪蟹芯胁邪 斜邪蟹邪. 袗胁褌芯褉泻邪 薪邪胁芯写懈褌褜 褉械蟹褍谢褜褌邪褌懈 写芯褋谢褨写卸械薪薪褟 褉褨蟹薪懈褏 薪邪褍泻芯胁褑褨胁, 锌褉邪褑褨 胁褔械薪懈褏 胁 褋褎械褉褨 锌褋懈褏芯谢芯谐褨褩, 邪 褌邪泻芯卸 胁谢邪褋薪懈泄 写芯褋胁褨写 褉芯斜芯褌懈 蟹 泻谢褨褦薪褌邪屑懈. 袩褉懈褋褍褌薪褨泄 褋锌懈褋芯泻 谢褨褌械褉邪褌褍褉懈, 邪 胁 褉芯斜芯褌褨 褦 锌芯褋懈谢邪薪薪褟 薪邪 泻芯卸薪械 写卸械褉械谢芯.
袧邪 屑芯褞 写褍屑泻褍 邪胁褌芯褉泻邪 写芯褋懈褌褜 锌芯胁薪芯 褉芯蟹泻褉懈谢邪 褌械屑褍. 袙 褉芯斜芯褌褨 薪邪胁芯写懈褌褜褋褟 蟹邪谐邪谢褜薪邪 褏邪褉邪泻褌械褉懈褋褌懈泻邪 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 薪械蟹褉褨谢懈褏 谢褞写械泄, 芯锌懈褋 褉褨蟹薪懈褏 褌懈锌褨胁 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 薪械蟹褉褨谢懈褏 斜邪褌褜泻褨胁, 褉芯蟹泻褉懈褌芯 褟泻 胁锌谢懈胁邪褦 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟 褌邪泻懈屑懈 斜邪褌褜泻邪屑懈 薪邪 褩褏薪褨褏 写褨褌械泄 褨 写芯 褔芯谐芯 褌邪泻械 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟 锌褉懈蟹胁芯写懈褌褜, 褉芯蟹泻褉懈褌芯 写胁邪 褋褌懈谢褨 邪写邪锌褌邪褑褨褩 写芯 卸懈褌褌褟 蟹 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 薪械蟹褉褨谢懈屑懈 斜邪褌褜泻邪屑懈, 薪邪胁械写械薪褨 泻械泄褋懈 蟹 锌褉邪泻褌懈泻懈 邪胁褌芯褉邪 (褨褋褌芯褉褨褩 褉械邪谢褜薪懈褏 谢褞写械泄), 褌邪泻芯卸 褦 胁锌褉邪胁懈 写谢褟 胁懈蟹薪邪褔械薪薪褟 褌芯谐芯 写芯 褟泻芯谐芯 褌懈锌褍 薪邪谢械卸懈褌械 胁懈 褌邪 斜邪褌褜泻懈 褨 胁锌褉邪胁懈 (锌芯褉邪写懈) 褉芯蟹胁懈褌泻褍 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯褩 蟹褉褨谢芯褋褌褨. 孝邪泻芯卸 邪胁褌芯褉泻邪 薪邪胁芯写懈褌褜 褉懈褋懈 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 蟹褉褨谢懈褏 谢褞写械泄 褨 写邪褦 锌芯褉邪写懈 褟泻 褋锌褨谢泻褍胁邪褌懈褋褟 蟹 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 薪械蟹褉褨谢懈屑懈 斜邪褌褜泻邪屑懈 斜械蟹 褕泻芯写懈 写谢褟 褋胁芯谐芯 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯谐芯 蟹写芯褉芯胁'褟.
袨褋芯斜懈褋褌芯 褟 薪械 蟹薪邪泄褕谢邪 写谢褟 褋械斜械 蟹薪邪褔褍褖懈褏 屑褨薪褍褋褨胁. 笑褟 泻薪懈谐邪 薪械 写芯锌芯屑芯卸械 胁邪屑 胁懈褉褨褕懈褌懈 胁褋褨 褋胁芯褩 锌褉芯斜谢械屑懈, 邪谢械 胁芯薪邪 锌褉懈胁械写械 写芯 褩褏 褍褋胁褨写芯屑谢械薪薪褟 褨 蟹'褟褋褍胁邪薪薪褟 锌褉懈褔懈薪, 邪 褌邪泻芯卸 褌褍褌 褦 斜邪谐邪褌芯 泻芯褉懈褋薪懈褏 锌芯褉邪写, 褟泻懈屑懈 胁懈 褋邪屑褨 胁懈褉褨褕褍褦褌械, 泻芯褉懈褋褌褍胁邪褌懈褋褟, 褔懈 薪褨.
袉 薪邪胁械写褍 泻褨谢褜泻邪 褎褉邪蟹, 褟泻褨 屑械薪褨 褋锌芯写芯斜邪谢懈褋褟 (邪 褌邪泻懈褏 斜褍谢芯 写褍卸械 斜邪谐邪褌芯, 胁 屑械薪械 胁褋褟 泻薪懈谐邪 胁 褑懈褌邪褌邪褏)
"袙邪卸谢懈胁芯 胁褨写屑芯胁懈褌懈褋褟 胁褨写 锌械褉械泻芯薪邪薪薪褟, 褖芯, 褟泻斜懈 斜邪褌褜泻懈 胁邪褋 谢褞斜懈谢懈, 胁芯薪懈 斜 胁邪褋 蟹褉芯蟹褍屑褨谢懈. 袙懈 鈥� 薪械蟹邪谢械卸薪邪 写芯褉芯褋谢邪 谢褞写懈薪邪 泄 屑芯卸械褌械 卸懈褌懈 斜械蟹 褉芯蟹褍屑褨薪薪褟 斜邪褌褜泻褨胁."
"袧邪胁褔懈褌懈褋褟 褋褌邪胁懈褌懈 泻芯褉写芯薪懈 泄 锌芯写芯谢邪褌懈 蟹胁懈褔泻褍 胁褨写写邪胁邪褌懈 蟹邪斜邪谐邪褌芯 械薪械褉谐褨褩 屑芯卸薪邪 褌褨谢褜泻懈 褌芯写褨, 泻芯谢懈 胁懈 褋芯斜褨 褋锌褨胁褔褍胁邪褦褌械."
P.S. 袙懈锌邪写泻芯胁芯 薪邪褌褉邪锌懈谢邪 薪邪 胁褨写谐褍泻, 胁 褟泻芯屑褍 褋褌胁械褉写卸褍胁邪谢芯褋褟, 褖芯 邪胁褌芯褉泻邪 蟹邪薪邪写褌芯 泻邪褌械谐芯褉懈褔薪邪 褨, 褖芯 蟹邪 褩褩 褌胁械褉写卸械薪薪褟屑 胁褋褨 谢褞写懈 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 薪械蟹褉褨谢褨 褨 锌芯谐邪薪褨. 袟邪褏芯褌褨谢芯褋褟 褑械 锌褉芯泻芯屑械薪褌褍胁邪褌懈. 袗胁褌芯褉泻邪 写褨泄褋薪芯 薪邪胁芯写懈褌褜 蟹邪薪邪写褌芯 胁械谢懈泻懈泄 褋锌懈褋芯泻 褉懈褋 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 蟹褉褨谢懈褏 谢褞写械泄, 胁 褋褍泻褍锌薪芯褋褌褨 胁懈泄写械 锌褉褟屑 褨写械邪谢褜薪邪 谢褞写懈薪邪. 袩褉芯褌械, 胁芯薪邪 褌邪泻芯卸 蟹邪蟹薪邪褔邪褦, 褖芯 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 蟹褉褨谢邪 谢褞写懈薪邪 屑邪褦 斜褨谢褜褕褨褋褌褜 蟹 褑懈褏 褉懈褋, 邪 薪械 胁褋褨, 邪写卸械 褨写械邪谢褜薪懈褏 谢褞写械泄 薪械 褨褋薪褍褦 褨 胁 斜褍写褜-褟泻芯屑褍 胁懈锌邪写泻褍 屑懈 胁褋褨 褨薪写懈胁褨写褍邪谢褜薪褨. 袩芯写褨谢 谢褞写械泄 蟹邪 胁懈褉邪卸械薪薪褟屑 械屑芯褑褨泄 褟 褌邪泻芯卸 薪械 胁胁邪卸邪褞 蟹邪薪邪写褌芯 泻邪褌械谐芯褉懈褔薪懈屑. 孝芯屑褍 褖芯, 蟹薪芯胁褍 卸 褌邪泻懈, 斜褍谢芯 褌胁械褉写卸械薪薪褟, 褖芯 谢褞写懈薪邪 屑芯卸械 锌芯褦写薪褍胁邪褌懈 胁 褋芯斜褨 褉懈褋懈 褉褨蟹薪懈褏 褌懈锌褨胁, 蟹邪谢械卸薪芯 胁褨写 褋懈褌褍邪褑褨褩, 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯谐芯 褋褌邪薪褍 褨 褌.写., 锌褉芯褌械 胁 斜褨谢褜褕芯褋褌褨 胁懈锌邪写泻褨胁 锌械褉械胁邪卸邪褦 褖芯褋褜 芯写薪械. 校 屑械薪械 胁褋械, 写褟泻褍褞 蟹邪 褍胁邪谐褍))
携 写褍卸械 褉褨写泻芯 褔懈褌邪褞 锌褋懈褏芯谢芯谐褨褔薪褍 谢褨褌械褉邪褌褍褉褍, 邪谢械 屑械薪褨 褋锌芯写芯斜邪谢芯褋褟.
袙 泻薪懈蟹褨 薪邪胁械写械薪邪 写械褌邪谢褜薪邪 褏邪褉邪泻褌械褉懈褋褌懈泻邪 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 蟹褉褨谢懈褏 褌邪 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 薪械蟹褉褨谢懈褏 谢褞写械泄, 褉芯蟹泻褉懈褌褌褟 褌芯谐芯 褟泻 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 薪械蟹褉褨谢懈屑懈 斜邪褌褜泻邪屑懈 胁锌谢懈胁邪褦 薪邪 卸懈褌褌褟 写褨褌械泄 胁 屑邪泄斜褍褌薪褜芯屑褍.
笑褨谢褜芯胁芯褞 邪褍写懈褌芯褉褨褦褞 褑褨褦褩 泻薪懈谐懈 褦 谢褞写懈 褋褏懈谢褜薪褨 写芯 褋邪屑芯邪薪邪谢褨蟹褍, 褟泻懈屑 褏芯褔械褌褜褋褟 蟹'褟褋褍胁邪褌懈 锌褉懈褔懈薪懈 褋胁芯褦褩 薪械胁锌械胁薪械薪芯褋褌褨, 褋邪屑芯褌薪芯褋褌褨, 锌褉邪谐薪械薪薪褨 写芯谐芯写懈褌懈 褨薪褕懈屑, 褌褉懈胁芯卸薪芯褋褌褨. 携泻 褋泻邪蟹邪谢邪 邪胁褌芯褉泻邪 褑褟 泻薪懈谐邪 斜褍写械 褑褨泻邪胁邪 "褨薪褌械褉薪邪谢褨蟹邪褌芯褉邪屑".
袙 泻薪懈蟹褨 锌褉懈褋褍褌薪褟 写芯褋懈褌褜 薪邪写褨泄薪邪 写芯泻邪蟹芯胁邪 斜邪蟹邪. 袗胁褌芯褉泻邪 薪邪胁芯写懈褌褜 褉械蟹褍谢褜褌邪褌懈 写芯褋谢褨写卸械薪薪褟 褉褨蟹薪懈褏 薪邪褍泻芯胁褑褨胁, 锌褉邪褑褨 胁褔械薪懈褏 胁 褋褎械褉褨 锌褋懈褏芯谢芯谐褨褩, 邪 褌邪泻芯卸 胁谢邪褋薪懈泄 写芯褋胁褨写 褉芯斜芯褌懈 蟹 泻谢褨褦薪褌邪屑懈. 袩褉懈褋褍褌薪褨泄 褋锌懈褋芯泻 谢褨褌械褉邪褌褍褉懈, 邪 胁 褉芯斜芯褌褨 褦 锌芯褋懈谢邪薪薪褟 薪邪 泻芯卸薪械 写卸械褉械谢芯.
袧邪 屑芯褞 写褍屑泻褍 邪胁褌芯褉泻邪 写芯褋懈褌褜 锌芯胁薪芯 褉芯蟹泻褉懈谢邪 褌械屑褍. 袙 褉芯斜芯褌褨 薪邪胁芯写懈褌褜褋褟 蟹邪谐邪谢褜薪邪 褏邪褉邪泻褌械褉懈褋褌懈泻邪 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 薪械蟹褉褨谢懈褏 谢褞写械泄, 芯锌懈褋 褉褨蟹薪懈褏 褌懈锌褨胁 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 薪械蟹褉褨谢懈褏 斜邪褌褜泻褨胁, 褉芯蟹泻褉懈褌芯 褟泻 胁锌谢懈胁邪褦 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟 褌邪泻懈屑懈 斜邪褌褜泻邪屑懈 薪邪 褩褏薪褨褏 写褨褌械泄 褨 写芯 褔芯谐芯 褌邪泻械 胁懈褏芯胁邪薪薪褟 锌褉懈蟹胁芯写懈褌褜, 褉芯蟹泻褉懈褌芯 写胁邪 褋褌懈谢褨 邪写邪锌褌邪褑褨褩 写芯 卸懈褌褌褟 蟹 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 薪械蟹褉褨谢懈屑懈 斜邪褌褜泻邪屑懈, 薪邪胁械写械薪褨 泻械泄褋懈 蟹 锌褉邪泻褌懈泻懈 邪胁褌芯褉邪 (褨褋褌芯褉褨褩 褉械邪谢褜薪懈褏 谢褞写械泄), 褌邪泻芯卸 褦 胁锌褉邪胁懈 写谢褟 胁懈蟹薪邪褔械薪薪褟 褌芯谐芯 写芯 褟泻芯谐芯 褌懈锌褍 薪邪谢械卸懈褌械 胁懈 褌邪 斜邪褌褜泻懈 褨 胁锌褉邪胁懈 (锌芯褉邪写懈) 褉芯蟹胁懈褌泻褍 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯褩 蟹褉褨谢芯褋褌褨. 孝邪泻芯卸 邪胁褌芯褉泻邪 薪邪胁芯写懈褌褜 褉懈褋懈 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 蟹褉褨谢懈褏 谢褞写械泄 褨 写邪褦 锌芯褉邪写懈 褟泻 褋锌褨谢泻褍胁邪褌懈褋褟 蟹 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 薪械蟹褉褨谢懈屑懈 斜邪褌褜泻邪屑懈 斜械蟹 褕泻芯写懈 写谢褟 褋胁芯谐芯 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯谐芯 蟹写芯褉芯胁'褟.
袨褋芯斜懈褋褌芯 褟 薪械 蟹薪邪泄褕谢邪 写谢褟 褋械斜械 蟹薪邪褔褍褖懈褏 屑褨薪褍褋褨胁. 笑褟 泻薪懈谐邪 薪械 写芯锌芯屑芯卸械 胁邪屑 胁懈褉褨褕懈褌懈 胁褋褨 褋胁芯褩 锌褉芯斜谢械屑懈, 邪谢械 胁芯薪邪 锌褉懈胁械写械 写芯 褩褏 褍褋胁褨写芯屑谢械薪薪褟 褨 蟹'褟褋褍胁邪薪薪褟 锌褉懈褔懈薪, 邪 褌邪泻芯卸 褌褍褌 褦 斜邪谐邪褌芯 泻芯褉懈褋薪懈褏 锌芯褉邪写, 褟泻懈屑懈 胁懈 褋邪屑褨 胁懈褉褨褕褍褦褌械, 泻芯褉懈褋褌褍胁邪褌懈褋褟, 褔懈 薪褨.
袉 薪邪胁械写褍 泻褨谢褜泻邪 褎褉邪蟹, 褟泻褨 屑械薪褨 褋锌芯写芯斜邪谢懈褋褟 (邪 褌邪泻懈褏 斜褍谢芯 写褍卸械 斜邪谐邪褌芯, 胁 屑械薪械 胁褋褟 泻薪懈谐邪 胁 褑懈褌邪褌邪褏)
"袙邪卸谢懈胁芯 胁褨写屑芯胁懈褌懈褋褟 胁褨写 锌械褉械泻芯薪邪薪薪褟, 褖芯, 褟泻斜懈 斜邪褌褜泻懈 胁邪褋 谢褞斜懈谢懈, 胁芯薪懈 斜 胁邪褋 蟹褉芯蟹褍屑褨谢懈. 袙懈 鈥� 薪械蟹邪谢械卸薪邪 写芯褉芯褋谢邪 谢褞写懈薪邪 泄 屑芯卸械褌械 卸懈褌懈 斜械蟹 褉芯蟹褍屑褨薪薪褟 斜邪褌褜泻褨胁."
"袧邪胁褔懈褌懈褋褟 褋褌邪胁懈褌懈 泻芯褉写芯薪懈 泄 锌芯写芯谢邪褌懈 蟹胁懈褔泻褍 胁褨写写邪胁邪褌懈 蟹邪斜邪谐邪褌芯 械薪械褉谐褨褩 屑芯卸薪邪 褌褨谢褜泻懈 褌芯写褨, 泻芯谢懈 胁懈 褋芯斜褨 褋锌褨胁褔褍胁邪褦褌械."
P.S. 袙懈锌邪写泻芯胁芯 薪邪褌褉邪锌懈谢邪 薪邪 胁褨写谐褍泻, 胁 褟泻芯屑褍 褋褌胁械褉写卸褍胁邪谢芯褋褟, 褖芯 邪胁褌芯褉泻邪 蟹邪薪邪写褌芯 泻邪褌械谐芯褉懈褔薪邪 褨, 褖芯 蟹邪 褩褩 褌胁械褉写卸械薪薪褟屑 胁褋褨 谢褞写懈 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 薪械蟹褉褨谢褨 褨 锌芯谐邪薪褨. 袟邪褏芯褌褨谢芯褋褟 褑械 锌褉芯泻芯屑械薪褌褍胁邪褌懈. 袗胁褌芯褉泻邪 写褨泄褋薪芯 薪邪胁芯写懈褌褜 蟹邪薪邪写褌芯 胁械谢懈泻懈泄 褋锌懈褋芯泻 褉懈褋 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 蟹褉褨谢懈褏 谢褞写械泄, 胁 褋褍泻褍锌薪芯褋褌褨 胁懈泄写械 锌褉褟屑 褨写械邪谢褜薪邪 谢褞写懈薪邪. 袩褉芯褌械, 胁芯薪邪 褌邪泻芯卸 蟹邪蟹薪邪褔邪褦, 褖芯 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯 蟹褉褨谢邪 谢褞写懈薪邪 屑邪褦 斜褨谢褜褕褨褋褌褜 蟹 褑懈褏 褉懈褋, 邪 薪械 胁褋褨, 邪写卸械 褨写械邪谢褜薪懈褏 谢褞写械泄 薪械 褨褋薪褍褦 褨 胁 斜褍写褜-褟泻芯屑褍 胁懈锌邪写泻褍 屑懈 胁褋褨 褨薪写懈胁褨写褍邪谢褜薪褨. 袩芯写褨谢 谢褞写械泄 蟹邪 胁懈褉邪卸械薪薪褟屑 械屑芯褑褨泄 褟 褌邪泻芯卸 薪械 胁胁邪卸邪褞 蟹邪薪邪写褌芯 泻邪褌械谐芯褉懈褔薪懈屑. 孝芯屑褍 褖芯, 蟹薪芯胁褍 卸 褌邪泻懈, 斜褍谢芯 褌胁械褉写卸械薪薪褟, 褖芯 谢褞写懈薪邪 屑芯卸械 锌芯褦写薪褍胁邪褌懈 胁 褋芯斜褨 褉懈褋懈 褉褨蟹薪懈褏 褌懈锌褨胁, 蟹邪谢械卸薪芯 胁褨写 褋懈褌褍邪褑褨褩, 械屑芯褑褨泄薪芯谐芯 褋褌邪薪褍 褨 褌.写., 锌褉芯褌械 胁 斜褨谢褜褕芯褋褌褨 胁懈锌邪写泻褨胁 锌械褉械胁邪卸邪褦 褖芯褋褜 芯写薪械. 校 屑械薪械 胁褋械, 写褟泻褍褞 蟹邪 褍胁邪谐褍))
February 10, 2023
You brave girl, you're smiling for the school picture, but you had so much to deal with.听
Sending virtual hugs to those who suffered enough from their emotionally immature primary caregivers as they grew up. May we all find solace in moving forward despite the vital pain. 馃ズ
With its easy-to-follow descriptions, the book tackles what emotional immaturity is, the types of emotionally immature parents, their negative impact on their children, and some tips to begin to heal and journey towards emotional maturity. The realizations here are dire for me. 馃槶
Yes, I know it's hard. But if there's a will, there's a way, even the tiniest one.
Working through childhood emotional injuries is the most effective way of waking up from repeating the past. 馃挭
Sending virtual hugs to those who suffered enough from their emotionally immature primary caregivers as they grew up. May we all find solace in moving forward despite the vital pain. 馃ズ
With its easy-to-follow descriptions, the book tackles what emotional immaturity is, the types of emotionally immature parents, their negative impact on their children, and some tips to begin to heal and journey towards emotional maturity. The realizations here are dire for me. 馃槶
Yes, I know it's hard. But if there's a will, there's a way, even the tiniest one.
Working through childhood emotional injuries is the most effective way of waking up from repeating the past. 馃挭
January 2, 2024
Jedna od najkorisnijih knjiga koje sam u 啪ivotu pro膷itala.
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