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The New Codependency: Help and Guidance for Today's Generation
A follow-up to the best-selling Codependent No More evaluates how co-dependence has changed in recent years while making recommendations for how readers can make healthier behavioral choices in order to reclaim their lives. 100,000 first printing.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2008
955 people are currently reading
2,422 people want to read
About the author
Melody Beattie
86Ìýbooks959ÌýfollowersMelody Beattie was an American self-help author best known for her groundbreaking work on codependency. Born in 1948 in Minnesota, she endured a traumatic childhood marked by abuse and early substance addiction. After achieving sobriety, she became a licensed addiction counselor and began writing to help others navigate emotional recovery. Her 1986 book Codependent No More became a bestseller, selling eight million copies and helping to bring the concept of codependency into mainstream awareness. Over her career, she authored 18 books, including Beyond Codependency, The Language of Letting Go, and Make Miracles in Forty Days. Though her work is often associated with Co-Dependents Anonymous, her books were independent of the program.
Beattie’s personal life reflected many of the struggles she addressed in her work, including four marriages and the loss of a son. Her writing often drew from her own experiences with grief, addiction, and healing. In early 2025, she was forced to evacuate her Malibu home due to wildfires and died shortly after at her daughter’s home in Los Angeles from heart failure.
Beattie’s personal life reflected many of the struggles she addressed in her work, including four marriages and the loss of a son. Her writing often drew from her own experiences with grief, addiction, and healing. In early 2025, she was forced to evacuate her Malibu home due to wildfires and died shortly after at her daughter’s home in Los Angeles from heart failure.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 201 reviews
February 27, 2011
Good information on codependency, but sadly interspersed with so much god-talk I could barely read it. You have a problem? Just pray, depend on god, etc. Useful quizzes in the last half of the book, though.
December 30, 2020
More like 2.5 stars. God I never thought this would end. I did take away some valuable nugs of wisdom from this, but there was so much Boomer crap that fixated on pulling yourself up by your bootstraps because Millennials are too soft and entitled, and she spent pages railing against taking psych meds because it “dulls� too much of our reality and we need to “really� feel pain? And shitting on talk therapy because it’s “just too much talking.� Have a feeling you don’t like? Just buck the fuck up and pray about it! GTFO, Melody. My New Year’s resolution is being done with white Boomer authors for good, k bye!!!
November 14, 2024
Love her original book Codependent No More. Answered a lot of my questions about my dysfuntional family. Thought there would not be too much more to learn from a second edition, but I was wrong. The first book introduced the topic, this book talks more in depth and am finding the major points very useful - boundaries, control issues, etc.
I found the end of this book has most highly valuable advice.
Really appreciated the way she told her truth about how she handled tragic events.
Great read.
I found the end of this book has most highly valuable advice.
Really appreciated the way she told her truth about how she handled tragic events.
Great read.
April 26, 2020
I read this book out of curiosity not out of need. This book did not apply to my life, but I appreciate that other people may need to hear what she has to say.
My only advice would be to take this book with a grain of salt. It seems like she is writing this for a cathartic release. She brings up her own struggles and opinions an awful lot for this to be an unbiased self help book.
I would tread especially lightly with her advice that medical professionals only prescribe antidepressants as a way to make treatment of patients easier for the professional rather than to actually help the patient. This advice is alarming and shockingly inaccurate. Maybe she didn’t need antidepressants, but a lot of people do, and making a blanket statement that they are addictive, (they aren’t) and saying you need to stay away from them in order to feel your emotions, is just not accurate.
None of my research turns up any formal training on Melody’s part, but please correct me if I’m misinformed.
In summation, I would just have to say, folks, trust your doctors and therapists, they’ve gone to school to help you, Melody Beattie has written a cathartic book to get your money. You may find some helpful tidbits in here, but don’t take this too seriously.
My only advice would be to take this book with a grain of salt. It seems like she is writing this for a cathartic release. She brings up her own struggles and opinions an awful lot for this to be an unbiased self help book.
I would tread especially lightly with her advice that medical professionals only prescribe antidepressants as a way to make treatment of patients easier for the professional rather than to actually help the patient. This advice is alarming and shockingly inaccurate. Maybe she didn’t need antidepressants, but a lot of people do, and making a blanket statement that they are addictive, (they aren’t) and saying you need to stay away from them in order to feel your emotions, is just not accurate.
None of my research turns up any formal training on Melody’s part, but please correct me if I’m misinformed.
In summation, I would just have to say, folks, trust your doctors and therapists, they’ve gone to school to help you, Melody Beattie has written a cathartic book to get your money. You may find some helpful tidbits in here, but don’t take this too seriously.
April 16, 2018
I liked this better than the original. tests and scoring confirmed I'm not, and don't have a history of co dependency... which sadly had been thrown around like an insult and form of manipulation by someone who didn't want to face reality. I think there is just a lot of common sense and promoting healthy coping skills throughout the book. I'd recommend to anyone dealing with unhealthy coping or working through hard situations, drama, and trauma. it will either reassure you that you are healthy and normal or give you tools and direction to change your thinking that is not serving you in the best way.
July 2, 2019
I thought this would be good at first. Then it began to connect well being to religiosity and wouldn't let go. It also veered off into law of attraction type stuff. I also didn't realize the author is a huge proponent of the 12 step system which might actually promote dependency instead of independence in many cases.
February 12, 2012
Overall it was good and helpful. I have some of the same problems with it that I have with AA, being that I'm agnostic all the God stuff makes no sense to me. Did help me realize some of the areas of my life I need to work on (especially when it comes to relationships), also will be good to refer back to in 6 months or so and see if I do 'better' on the tests.
January 7, 2023
Someone told me I was codependent with a friend of mine, so I decided to grab this book when I saw it on sale. That someone had no idea what codependent meant I guess. Apparently, it's a cool buzzword to use right now.
I think this book has some good ideas on boundaries and being aware of crossing lines.
There was a really cringey moment where the author claims she was in a doctor's lobby being pushed pills for her depression. She says to the person, "I'd rather be depressed and have feelings than to not feel anything". She claims the other patients waiting in the lobby cheered for her. This couldn't have happened right? When I'm in the doctor's waiting room, I'm sitting miserably with my headphones on and trying to not eavesdrop on people checking in/out.
Anyways, if you're having issues with codependency this book could be a great resource. As a general thing on boundaries I also found it quite good. As other reviewers have stated, it does have a lot of Boomer white lady pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps style advice in it. Also a lot about praying, which I just translate to non-secular meditation.
I think this book has some good ideas on boundaries and being aware of crossing lines.
There was a really cringey moment where the author claims she was in a doctor's lobby being pushed pills for her depression. She says to the person, "I'd rather be depressed and have feelings than to not feel anything". She claims the other patients waiting in the lobby cheered for her. This couldn't have happened right? When I'm in the doctor's waiting room, I'm sitting miserably with my headphones on and trying to not eavesdrop on people checking in/out.
Anyways, if you're having issues with codependency this book could be a great resource. As a general thing on boundaries I also found it quite good. As other reviewers have stated, it does have a lot of Boomer white lady pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps style advice in it. Also a lot about praying, which I just translate to non-secular meditation.
March 27, 2015
Although I don't believe in a higher power, so some passages of this book seemed preachy to me, it was very helpful in making me face up to my codependant behaviours.
This past year I have experienced anger for the first time. It frightened me and led me to deny it existed, as I convinced myself being angry was a shameful emotion. I see now that it is not so. I must give myself permission to feel it and let it go. It stemmed from an unhealthy, codependant place but it need not change my outlook.
The New Codependency helped me understand how much I try to control my relationships with others, in that I am giving to the point of exhaustion and disappointment. I am able to see more clearly that my love and attention are gifts to be given freely, as are other people's.
I will no longer allow myself to be manipulated. I will try harder to understand we are all different. People that don't share my values aren't always trying to make me a victim. I hope to learn to better distinguish actual cruelty from difference of opinion.
I look forward to nurturing myself and my most valued, naturally balanced relationships with what I have learned in this book.
This past year I have experienced anger for the first time. It frightened me and led me to deny it existed, as I convinced myself being angry was a shameful emotion. I see now that it is not so. I must give myself permission to feel it and let it go. It stemmed from an unhealthy, codependant place but it need not change my outlook.
The New Codependency helped me understand how much I try to control my relationships with others, in that I am giving to the point of exhaustion and disappointment. I am able to see more clearly that my love and attention are gifts to be given freely, as are other people's.
I will no longer allow myself to be manipulated. I will try harder to understand we are all different. People that don't share my values aren't always trying to make me a victim. I hope to learn to better distinguish actual cruelty from difference of opinion.
I look forward to nurturing myself and my most valued, naturally balanced relationships with what I have learned in this book.
January 7, 2018
Most of the wise advice Beattie attempts to share here is all but hidden under her obvious disgust and disdain for codependents-- the very people she's attempting to help.
January 24, 2015
This book was recommended by a friend because she was reading it and it was helping her. It's a good reminder of some good habits and skills to keep up, however most of it doesn't apply to me because it's stuff that I've been doing or I've been doing beyond what she recommends. She has quizzes in the book which are interesting but limited.
In her book she focuses a great deal on twelve step programs and God. This makes her book very limited. These are two areas I don't follow nor would I. It makes it very bias and shifts focus from dealing with own issues to giving it to "God". I have read better books on bettering self with more everyday tools to work on, especially for difficult conversations, then again I am not codependent and this didn't apply to me.
In her book she focuses a great deal on twelve step programs and God. This makes her book very limited. These are two areas I don't follow nor would I. It makes it very bias and shifts focus from dealing with own issues to giving it to "God". I have read better books on bettering self with more everyday tools to work on, especially for difficult conversations, then again I am not codependent and this didn't apply to me.
September 24, 2009
I don't identify myself as codependent, but I do love a good psychology-related book. Regardless of where you lie on the codependent continuum, I would venture that most of us have exhibited some codependent behaviors/thoughts at some point in time.
Regardless, this is a very encouraging book and while some parts may be a bit depressing, Beattie continually redirects the reader to positive action they can take. Lots of great quotes, but since I listened to the audiobook, I wasn't able to get most of them down. I've requested a hard copy from the library, which I intend to skim through again and take the tests scattered throughout.
Regardless, this is a very encouraging book and while some parts may be a bit depressing, Beattie continually redirects the reader to positive action they can take. Lots of great quotes, but since I listened to the audiobook, I wasn't able to get most of them down. I've requested a hard copy from the library, which I intend to skim through again and take the tests scattered throughout.
December 12, 2019
Melody Beattie should consider hiring an editor. This book was very disorganized and came off more like the ramblings of a lunatic than an actual personal development book.
September 10, 2019
Melody Beattie is her own unique individual, with her own worldview. She has great thoughts on universal things in this life, and she also has her own take on recovery and growth, which for her, uses quite a bit of faith and spirituality. For those who are not so inclined, I could see you being allergic to large swathes of this book. However, if you are able to either stomach it due to acceptance of a wide range of belief systems OR if you're able to replace God with "the universe" or "the way the world is", I think you'll be just fine.
She's also part of a generation where 12 step programs helped a lot of people. Once again, the point isn't specifically 12 step programs, it's about getting help from folks who are trying to tackle so many of our problems, addictions, obsessions, bad coping mechanisms, and giant feelings directly.
She speaks directly to a myriad of concepts and speaks her truth to them. Her truth, from what I can tell, ranges from okay/fine/not necessarily applicable to me to holy smokes/this is cutting edge/this is exactly what I needed to read right now. This book is lighter on content and heavier on slightly paradoxical wisdom, but when the wisdom shines though, it's very bright. Absolutely read her first book first, this book would not be too accessible without it.
She's also part of a generation where 12 step programs helped a lot of people. Once again, the point isn't specifically 12 step programs, it's about getting help from folks who are trying to tackle so many of our problems, addictions, obsessions, bad coping mechanisms, and giant feelings directly.
She speaks directly to a myriad of concepts and speaks her truth to them. Her truth, from what I can tell, ranges from okay/fine/not necessarily applicable to me to holy smokes/this is cutting edge/this is exactly what I needed to read right now. This book is lighter on content and heavier on slightly paradoxical wisdom, but when the wisdom shines though, it's very bright. Absolutely read her first book first, this book would not be too accessible without it.
August 19, 2020
On a scale of cotton candy to Brussels sprouts, The New Codependency by Melody Beattie is a gummy vitamin. Reminiscent of a childhood snack, each daily dose offers the perspective and nutrients you didn't know you needed.
Each chapter offers story examples, plus questions to stir your own exploration of the codependency patterns that may exist in your life. The honest and up-front approach makes the topic less scary, humanizing and normalizing a word that is gaining a number of negative associations. Melody Beattie shares both the positives and negatives of codependency and how it has helped people survive...and then grow out of hard situations.
A new buzzword, codependency has been whispered in therapy sessions and gossiped about in the gym. There's a certain horrific glamor to the word, and what it means for our lives. As a reader, I found The New Codependency by Melody Beattie both descriptive and thorough, unpacking a word that has been draped in sequins or hidden by bar smoke. If anything, this book has only shown me that I have a lot more to learn about codependency and healthy patterns of relationship.
If you are in relationship with people, then The New Codependency is for you.
Each chapter offers story examples, plus questions to stir your own exploration of the codependency patterns that may exist in your life. The honest and up-front approach makes the topic less scary, humanizing and normalizing a word that is gaining a number of negative associations. Melody Beattie shares both the positives and negatives of codependency and how it has helped people survive...and then grow out of hard situations.
A new buzzword, codependency has been whispered in therapy sessions and gossiped about in the gym. There's a certain horrific glamor to the word, and what it means for our lives. As a reader, I found The New Codependency by Melody Beattie both descriptive and thorough, unpacking a word that has been draped in sequins or hidden by bar smoke. If anything, this book has only shown me that I have a lot more to learn about codependency and healthy patterns of relationship.
If you are in relationship with people, then The New Codependency is for you.
June 18, 2018
This book came about by a recommendation of my counselor. I found it a bit difficult to follow the train of thought at times, but ultimately lots of great ideas on building independence and freedom from codependency.
May 24, 2020
Great book! But, someone please tell her not to say rule of thumb.
November 26, 2024
Was definitely eye opening. I was able to identify a lot of behaviors I need to address. Sometime she is a little too lenient on religion, but her advice and outlook are still greatly appreciated.
January 25, 2021
Another book required for a counseling course, this time from the substance abuse and addiction department.
This gets an especially poor rating not because its not readable or poorly put together/organized. Rather it is because I find the vast majority of the book, from a professional perspective, rather questionable. The book reads like a self-help book rather than any sort of serious scientific study of the issues. I suppose it may have been intended as a self-help book, but it presents itself as something more serious. I won't digress into my feelings regarding pop-psychology and its dangers, and I'm familiar with arguments for lived experience being an important component in addiction treatment. However, I think those need to be tempered with actual expertise. Especially as a grad or post-grad student, its important to take the time to look into the credentials of anyone who's work we're reading. And it would appear that this particular author has essentially no qualifications beyond her lived her experience and being treated as an expert by the pop-psych, public consumption machine. She lacks any sort of formal training in therapy, psychology, or psychiatry, seemingly only having completed high school and never obtained even an associate or bachelors degree. Lived experience alone does not qualify one to provide 'expert' advice in any field, let alone one as tenuous as mental health. I think one of the largest weaknesses here is the conceited notion that one persons lived experience not only qualifies them to provide expert advice, but somehow generalizes to the lived experiences of everyone else more broadly.
The second major failing is that her advice and techniques lean very heavily into the religious aspects of the 12 step program. 12 step programs can be very successful, and even adapted for the nominally atheistic (again, I won't digress into dissecting the pros and cons of the 12 step program), and I have seen it have very positive effects on a lot of lives. But if there is a common thread among those rejecting 12 step programs it is that they lean far too heavily into the religious aspects of treatment, and this book does that in spades.
Even as a self-help book, even for codependents or other addicts, I would discourage anyone from reading this book. Perhaps her other books are more balanced, but I have significant doubts. In general, find a support group, get a therapist, maybe get some psychopharmaceutical treatment, and skip this book.
This gets an especially poor rating not because its not readable or poorly put together/organized. Rather it is because I find the vast majority of the book, from a professional perspective, rather questionable. The book reads like a self-help book rather than any sort of serious scientific study of the issues. I suppose it may have been intended as a self-help book, but it presents itself as something more serious. I won't digress into my feelings regarding pop-psychology and its dangers, and I'm familiar with arguments for lived experience being an important component in addiction treatment. However, I think those need to be tempered with actual expertise. Especially as a grad or post-grad student, its important to take the time to look into the credentials of anyone who's work we're reading. And it would appear that this particular author has essentially no qualifications beyond her lived her experience and being treated as an expert by the pop-psych, public consumption machine. She lacks any sort of formal training in therapy, psychology, or psychiatry, seemingly only having completed high school and never obtained even an associate or bachelors degree. Lived experience alone does not qualify one to provide 'expert' advice in any field, let alone one as tenuous as mental health. I think one of the largest weaknesses here is the conceited notion that one persons lived experience not only qualifies them to provide expert advice, but somehow generalizes to the lived experiences of everyone else more broadly.
The second major failing is that her advice and techniques lean very heavily into the religious aspects of the 12 step program. 12 step programs can be very successful, and even adapted for the nominally atheistic (again, I won't digress into dissecting the pros and cons of the 12 step program), and I have seen it have very positive effects on a lot of lives. But if there is a common thread among those rejecting 12 step programs it is that they lean far too heavily into the religious aspects of treatment, and this book does that in spades.
Even as a self-help book, even for codependents or other addicts, I would discourage anyone from reading this book. Perhaps her other books are more balanced, but I have significant doubts. In general, find a support group, get a therapist, maybe get some psychopharmaceutical treatment, and skip this book.
January 25, 2013
Overall, this book was good, especially the first half. While it is directed more towards codependent people rather than those who have to deal with them, it is incredibly informative. It goes into lengthy detail about the ways that caring is often a form of control and how people who suffer from these disorders need to 'mind meld' with their partners, expecting their partners to fulfill all their deficiencies and soothe all their insecurities. The author also gives a lot of examples from her own life.
The only reason for the lowered star rating was that the second half of the book really gets into a lot of examples that are fairly specific and like I said, designed for people who are codependent not people impacted by them. It really wasn't what I was looking for, though I can see how it might be for some other people.
The only reason for the lowered star rating was that the second half of the book really gets into a lot of examples that are fairly specific and like I said, designed for people who are codependent not people impacted by them. It really wasn't what I was looking for, though I can see how it might be for some other people.
July 23, 2018
This book was pretty helpful. It contextualized my issues with codependency. It is great at explaining what is/isn't codependency and setting boundaries. Explaining how codependency isn't strictly about giving or receiving, but about the motivations behind that giving/receiving is a real strength of this book. However, I was disappointed in some aspects of this book. Some of the tips and tricks given in this book border on mysticism. "God will reveal it to you" I'm paraphrasing Beattie here, but that was a general theme of a lot of the advice given in this book. I'm not religious, but I'd like to think that even if one was that would still be viewed as a bit... much.
Overall I would recommend this book. If you can grin and bear the God stuff, there is ALOT to be gained from reading this book.
Overall I would recommend this book. If you can grin and bear the God stuff, there is ALOT to be gained from reading this book.
June 28, 2012
Good, straightforward common sense. 6/28/12 - Currently rereading it. It's a good redo of Codependent No More. There are good how-tos in this book. That being said, be a critical reader. Don't just accept what she writes as "gospel" because we all have different experiences. But I find when I reread this book I am reminded of how to be a better, healthier me, and that's a good thing.
January 7, 2021
It seems as though the author’s knowledge hasn’t grown over the years. Her first book definitely provides a strong baseline case study about co-dependency. Here, she makes a case for God and against medication. Her theory has unfortunately not evolved, so the book is unsuccessful as a “new� look at her first, acknowledged paradigm.
October 30, 2023
2.5 stars, because I read it fast, and I am not sure how much practical help this book would be to anyone improving their life. Some of the suggestions of things to do sound fantastic, but would they work?
I am going to read it again, slower.
I am going to read it again, slower.
March 11, 2011
This is a classic and a great place to start when learning about codependency.
September 5, 2011
A helpful read for pastoral care continuing education as I delve into the waters of understanding addiction.
May 18, 2014
Ah, the reality of being an Adult child of an alcoholic. Excellent book, continually working on being the best I can be.
November 10, 2015
DNF.. Gets a bit repeatitive but the core idea is solid.
October 16, 2016
Yup, going to keep this on my nightstand. Very good
September 20, 2022
Phenomenal book for understanding codependency. Heads up: Codependency is not what I thought it was.
This is a book for anyone who is trying to sort through how to navigate mortality with other mortals. Whether you see some of these behaviors in yourself or people you know, the insight and kindness are worth the listen/read.
There are some quizzes here and they're all read aloud for the audiobook. I couldn't take the quiz awhile I drove around (safety first and all), but hearing the options and scoring scale was useful info to think about
If a particular example didn't apply to my experience (alcoholism, abuse, addiction), I kept listening for principles within the examples I could use. And if there were none I listened for information and kept going anyway.
She discusses the evolution of popular psychology (my term not hers) such as discovering feelings and the evolution of self-help topics. She also addresses what each generation found wrong with the previous generation's breakthroughs. Then she cites what they did to fix it. That alone was a fascinating exploration which I've never read in any book. Loved it.
Some excerpts:
"If I had to reduce this book to five pages, I'd write about awareness, caretaking, control, letting go, gratitude, acceptance, surrender, boundaries, feelings, dropping the victim role, forever, and how to love ourselves. If I had to reduce this booked forwards, I'd write: be who you are. If I had to shrink it, even further, I used to words, penned by the ancient stages: know yourself."
"I still step in codependent puddles. I might get hooked into someone's stuff, let their problems control me, over engage, or start reacting instead of taking right action. I'll let family conditioning affect me, neglect to set boundaries, or shut down emotionally. There are times I have to slam on the brakes, STOP, and remember to take care of myself. I don't sink in quicksand like I used to, but sometimes I revert to survival mode. That's yesterday's news. I don't call that *relapsing.* Caring about people we love, feeling victimized when we're betrayed, giving our all the people we love, or wanting to control people because we're watching them destroy themselves and hurt us doesn't mean we're sick. These are natural reactions. Codependency is about normal behavior taken too far. It's about crossing lines. This book is written for beginners, and those further down the taking-care-of-themselves-road."
"it's our job to take care of our feelings and let other people take care of theirs. It's OK to give to people � but don't give to get people to like us. Give because we want to, when giving comes from the heart. Speak up for other people, but speak up for ourselves, too. Stick to our responsibilities and let other people take care of theirs."
"Sometimes it's normal to center our decisions around other people � when we have children or caring for an elderly parent or a nail spouse. Healthy caretaking means we need our responsibilities to others and still keep our center where it belongs end in ourselves. That's not being self-centered in a negative way. We stop focusing on and obsessing about other people and live our lives. We find ways to build time into our busy schedules so that we can recharge your batteries. We find something with passionate about, and then we do it. We make our best decisions, get our clearest, guidance, and move through life, most naturally what are centers in ourselves and we're not exhausted and depleted from getting everything away."
"taking care of ourselves doesn't mean not caring about other people. . . We'll no longer take care of people so they'll like us, or so, we can attach ourselves to them. We stop confusing love with controlling. . ."
This is very much a workbook with activities along the way. I didn't do them (driving around and listening, remember), but I may in the future. The quizzes especially were intriguing.
If you roll your eyes over this stuff, you're probably not still reading, but if you are. Keep your eyes level and roll out your compassion instead. This book may help you understand someone you love. A great service to you both.
This is a book for anyone who is trying to sort through how to navigate mortality with other mortals. Whether you see some of these behaviors in yourself or people you know, the insight and kindness are worth the listen/read.
There are some quizzes here and they're all read aloud for the audiobook. I couldn't take the quiz awhile I drove around (safety first and all), but hearing the options and scoring scale was useful info to think about
If a particular example didn't apply to my experience (alcoholism, abuse, addiction), I kept listening for principles within the examples I could use. And if there were none I listened for information and kept going anyway.
She discusses the evolution of popular psychology (my term not hers) such as discovering feelings and the evolution of self-help topics. She also addresses what each generation found wrong with the previous generation's breakthroughs. Then she cites what they did to fix it. That alone was a fascinating exploration which I've never read in any book. Loved it.
Some excerpts:
"If I had to reduce this book to five pages, I'd write about awareness, caretaking, control, letting go, gratitude, acceptance, surrender, boundaries, feelings, dropping the victim role, forever, and how to love ourselves. If I had to reduce this booked forwards, I'd write: be who you are. If I had to shrink it, even further, I used to words, penned by the ancient stages: know yourself."
"I still step in codependent puddles. I might get hooked into someone's stuff, let their problems control me, over engage, or start reacting instead of taking right action. I'll let family conditioning affect me, neglect to set boundaries, or shut down emotionally. There are times I have to slam on the brakes, STOP, and remember to take care of myself. I don't sink in quicksand like I used to, but sometimes I revert to survival mode. That's yesterday's news. I don't call that *relapsing.* Caring about people we love, feeling victimized when we're betrayed, giving our all the people we love, or wanting to control people because we're watching them destroy themselves and hurt us doesn't mean we're sick. These are natural reactions. Codependency is about normal behavior taken too far. It's about crossing lines. This book is written for beginners, and those further down the taking-care-of-themselves-road."
"it's our job to take care of our feelings and let other people take care of theirs. It's OK to give to people � but don't give to get people to like us. Give because we want to, when giving comes from the heart. Speak up for other people, but speak up for ourselves, too. Stick to our responsibilities and let other people take care of theirs."
"Sometimes it's normal to center our decisions around other people � when we have children or caring for an elderly parent or a nail spouse. Healthy caretaking means we need our responsibilities to others and still keep our center where it belongs end in ourselves. That's not being self-centered in a negative way. We stop focusing on and obsessing about other people and live our lives. We find ways to build time into our busy schedules so that we can recharge your batteries. We find something with passionate about, and then we do it. We make our best decisions, get our clearest, guidance, and move through life, most naturally what are centers in ourselves and we're not exhausted and depleted from getting everything away."
"taking care of ourselves doesn't mean not caring about other people. . . We'll no longer take care of people so they'll like us, or so, we can attach ourselves to them. We stop confusing love with controlling. . ."
This is very much a workbook with activities along the way. I didn't do them (driving around and listening, remember), but I may in the future. The quizzes especially were intriguing.
If you roll your eyes over this stuff, you're probably not still reading, but if you are. Keep your eyes level and roll out your compassion instead. This book may help you understand someone you love. A great service to you both.
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