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303 pages
First published August 12, 2000
The full, final and completely complete title of my bullshit story is: Allah is not obliged to be fair about all the things he does here on earth. Okay. Right. I better start explaining some stuff.
First off, Number one � My name is Birahima and I’m a little nigger. Not ’cos I’m black and I’m a kid. I’m a little nigger because I can’t talk French for shit. That’s how things are. You might be a grown-up, or old, you might be Arab, or Chinese, or white, or Russian—or even American—if you talk bad French, it’s called parler petit nègre—little nigger talking—so that makes you a little nigger too. That’s the rules of French for you.
There was a second, a minute, of silence before the storm. And then the whole forest all around us started spitting, the tat-tat-tat tat-tat-tat tat-tat-tat of AK-47s. So when the tattat-tat of the kalashes started up, the birds in the forest could tell something wasn’t right, so they all took off and flew away towards more peaceful skies. The AK-47 tat-tat-tat sprays all over the motorbike and the guys on the motorbike, the driver and the other guy who was all faro on the back with his own kalash. (‘Faro� isn’t in the Petit Robert, but it’s in the Glossary and it means ‘showing off�.) So now the driver and the guy acting all faro were both dead. Absolutely, one hundred percent dead. But there’s still AK-47s going tat-tat-tat-ing! tat-tat-tating! And you could already see all the destruction all over the road—the burning motorbike and bodies all AK-47ed and all the blood, lots and lots of blood, the blood just never got tired of flowing. Faforo! All this just kept happening and happening, the sinister tat-tat-tat music kept going (‘Sinister� means ‘serious, scary, terrifying�).
He was a fabulist. (According to my Larousse, a ‘fabulist� is someone who makes up stories that are total lies.)
(According to my Larousse, an ‘ulcer� is ‘an inflammatory and often suppurating lesion on the skin or an internal mucous surface resulting in necrosis of tissue�).
The CDEAO asked Nigeria to do humanitarian peacekeeping. (‘Humanitarian peacekeeping� is when one country is allowed to send soldiers into another country to kill innocent victims in their own country, in their own villages, in their own huts, sitting on their own mats.)
He started out by attacking one of the NPFL frontier posts so that he could get some duties and taxes for himself, some of the customs duties of independent Liberia. Prince Johnson used maximum force; he sent in several waves of fighters, grenade attacks, mortars, shells. The attack lasted so many days that there was even time to alert the ECOMOG peacekeeping forces, there was even time for them to get there. They arrived with even more maximum forces. The peacekeeping forces didn’t keep the peace, they didn’t take any unnecessary risks. (I’ll explain the word ‘risk� for Black Nigger African Natives: it means ‘the possibility of suffering harm or loss�.) They weren’t bothered about details, they just fired at random, they fired shells at the people doing the attacking and at the people being attacked. They bombed right into the crowd, into the chaos. In a single day they produced loads of innocent victims, more victims than a whole week of the rival factions just fighting with each other. When the uproar died down, the peacekeeping force picked up the wounded. The wounded were evacuated to field hospitals run by ECOMOG. They drew up a report about the area. That was their role, their mission. They ascertained that it was Johnson’s territory. He had the upper hand. Therefore Johnson got to take advantage of the customs post. Under their surveillance.
There was still the problem of secure and steady profits, and it had to be solved. Even grigrimen like Yacouba were starting to complain; they hadn’t got enough to eat and they weren’t being paid for the grigris they made. This time, Johnson attacked a gold- and diamond-mining town controlled by ULIMO, who were supporters of Samuel Doe. In his usual way—a dog never gives up his shameless habits—Prince Johnson used maximum force. Grenades and mortars and wave after wave of soldiers. The attackers resisted heroically. There was lots of blood and lots of people dead. The battle lasted several days. The attack lasted so many days that there was even time to alert the ECOMOG peacekeeping forces, there was even time for them to get there. The peacekeeping forces didn’t keep the peace, they didn’t take any unnecessary risks. They weren’t bothered about details, they just fired shells at random, they fired shells at the people doing the attacking and at the people being attacked. They bombed every part of the town, the natives� quarter, full of Black Nigger African Natives, and the miners� quarter. When everything was demolished, when no one was moving any more, not the attackers or the attacked, the peacekeeping forces stopped massacring. They picked up the wounded. The wounded were evacuated to their field hospitals. They drew up a report about the status of forces on the ground. That was their role, their mission, their duty. They ascertained that it was Johnson’s territory. Therefore Johnson was awarded control of the town and took over running the mines.