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414 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1958
When a man in a forest thinks he is going forward in a straight line, in reality he is going in a circle, I did my best to go in a circle, hoping to go in a straight line.
Yes, I know they are words, there was a time time I didn't, as I still don't know if they are mine. Their hopes are therefore founded. In their shoes I'd be content with my knowing what I know, I'd demand no more of me than to know that what I hear is not the innocent and necessary sound of dumb things constrained to endure, but the terror-stricken babble of the condemned to silence.
“There, now there is no one here but me, no one wheels about me, no one comes toward me, no one has ever met anyone before my eyes, these creatures have never been, only I and this black void have ever been. And the sounds? And then lights?�
“Then I went back into the house and wrote, It is midnight. The rain is beating on the windows. It was not midnight. It was not raining.�
“Reality precedes the voice that seeks it, and just as the earth precedes the tree, the world precedes man, the sea precedes seeing the sea, so life precedes love, the body’s substance precedes the body, and in its turn language will one day have preceded the arrival of silence.�
“Someone speaks, someone hears, no need to go any further, it is not he, it’s I, or another, or others, what does it matter, the case is clear, it is not he, he would I know I am, that’s all I know that’s all I know, who I cannot say I am, I can’t say anything, i’ve tried, I am trying, he knows nothing, knows nothing, neither what is to speak, nor what it is to hear, to know nothing, to be capable of nothing, and to have to try, you don’t try any more, it goes on by itself, it drags on by itself, from word to word, a labouring whirl..�
“Evoke at painful junctures, when discouragement threatens to raise its head, the image of a vast cretinous mouth, red, blubber and slobbering, in solitary confinement, extruding indefatigably, with noise of wet kisses and washing in a tub, the words that obstruct it.�
“Live and invent. I have tried. I must have tried. Invent. It is not the word. Neither is live. No matter. I have tried. While within me the wild beast of earnestness padded up and down, roaring, ravening, rending.�
“When I tell myself or others the story of my life the narrative falls into linear sequence. .. But when I am not in the process of telling in my life does not seem to be like that at all. Far from falling into pattern it remains dark and confused, without discernible shape and hardly amenable to words. From one point of view, it is a state i need to escape. But from another point of view it is the stories I tell about myself which seem false and misleading. I feel that as person as I start to tell them I am moving away from rather than towards myself.�
I’m the air, the walls, the walled-in one, everything eyelids, opens, ebbs, flows, like flakes, I’m all these flakes, meeting, falling, asunder,...I’m all these words, all these strings, this dust of words, with no ground for their settling, no sky for their dispersing, coming together to say, fleeing one another to say, that i am they, all of them, those that merge, those that part, those that never meet, a quite different thing, a wordless thing in an empty place, a hard shut dry cold black place, where nothing stirs, nothing speaks, and that I listen, and I seek, like a caged beast born of caged beasts born of caged beasts born in a cage and dead in a cage, in a word like a beast, with my little strength...�
“My fate is to search and my fate is to return empty-handed. But—I return with the unutterable. The unutterable can only be given to me through the failure of my language. Only when the word fails do I obtain what my language could not.� (The article “Going backwards�, 1962)
And I said, with rapture, Here is something I can study all my life, and never understand.
And I myself will never lend myself to such a perversion (of the truth), until such time as I am compelled or find it convenient to do so. And I knew this swamp a little, having risked my life in it, cautiously, on several occasions, at a period of my life richer in illusions than the one I am trying to patch together here, I mean richer in certain illusions, in others poorer.
Yes, I was straining towards those spurious deeps, their lying promise of gravity and peace, from all my old poisons I struggled towards them, safely bound.
I went on my way, that way of which I knew nothing, qua way, which was nothing more than a surface, bright or dark, smooth or rough, and always dear to me, in spite of all, and the dear sound of that which goes and is gone, with a brief dust, when the weather is dry.
I felt more or less the same as usual, that is to say, if I may give myself away, so terror-stricken that I was virtually bereft of feeling, not to say of consciousness, and drowned in a deep and merciful torpor shot with brief abominable gleams, I give you my word.
And of myself, all my life, I think I had been going to my mother, with the purpose of establishing our relations on a less precarious footing. And when I was with her, and I often succeeded, I left her without having done anything. And when I was no longer with her I was again on my way to her, hoping to do better next time. And when I appeared to give up and to busy myself with something else, or with nothing at all any more, in reality I was hatching my plans and seeking the way to her house.
I was bent double over a heap of muck, in the hope of finding something to disgust me for ever with eating...
And if ever I'm reduced to looking for a meaning to my life, you never can tell, it's in that old mess I'll stick my nose to begin with, the mess of that poor old uniparous whore and myself the last of my foul brood, neither man nor beast.