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112 pages, Paperback
First published December 1, 2003
¡®I was a person who could see no future for myself; a person who cared about no one. I couldn't even understand my own life, which was little more than a pastiche of drunken moments.¡¯
¡®It's not as if I'd been expecting great things for myself before that, it's just that now I could clearly imagine myself turning up dead in a gutter somewhere and I didn't even really have the energy to laugh it off¡I'd always been prepared to sell my body if it came down to that. But now I just couldn't bring myself to do anything other than sleep and eat. In fact, I thought I'd rather die than go with stinking middle-aged men. I wondered which would be better¡ªto work as a prostitute to live, or to die rather than work as one? I'd say the latter answer would be the one chosen by the healthy mind, but then again, there's not really anything healthy about being dead.¡¯
¡®He just stared emptily at the beer in his glass for a while, then let out a sigh and said, ¡®I won¡¯t let anybody kill you. Not even yourself. If you decide to take your own life, you have to let me do it. I wouldn't be able to stand anybody but myself determining your fate.¡¯¡¯
¡®They do say dead men tell no tales after all. In that case, surely there's nothing more meaningless than not being able to give an opinion on anything. It makes me wonder why people fork out fortunes to pay for tombstones. I mean, for me, I've got absolutely no interest in my body if my mind no longer lives in it. I couldn't care less if it was eaten by dogs.¡¯
¡®I mean one day, you've got a wonderful new skirt, for example, that makes you feel great. But in just a short time, that skirt's become just another item in your wardrobe. I was kind of fickle like that, I guess, often relegating a thing to the back of the closet after only wearing it two, maybe three times. I guess I tend to see marriage in a similar way too. Just a situation where two people are trying to possess each other. Or even if you're not married, guys still tend to push the same kind of thing, becoming gradually more and more domineering the longer you stay with them. It's what's known as the "why feed a fish if it's already in your net" mentality, but when a fish runs out of food, it has one of two choices: to escape or die. Still the struggle to possess seems to be the unifying element in all relationships.¡¯
¡®Of course, it wasn't as if I was up against the clock or suffering from something terminal; it's just that I was getting this strong feeling that time was running out. Maybe there are just some times in life when things need to be rushed.¡¯
¡®What a waste of a pretty face. I do know how he feels, though¡I often like to think that if sunlight reached into everywhere on the entire planet, I'd find a way to turn myself into a shadow.¡¯