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“trallalala”
― Dav Pilkey, Ricky Ricotta's Mighty Robot vs. the Jurassic Jackrabbits from Jupiter

“two wrongs dont make a right”
― Dav Pilkey, Captain Underpants and the Attack of the Talking Toilets

“God bless the rain, and the storm clouds that bring it.
God bless the music, and the voices that sing it.
God bless the ones who sing everything wrong.
God bless the creatures who do not belong.
God bless the hearts and the souls who are grieving
For those who have left, and for those who are leaving.
God bless each perishing body and mind,
God bless all creatures remaining behind.
God bless the dreamers whose dreams have awoken.
God bless the lovers whose hearts have been broken.
God bless each soul that is tortured and taunted,
God bless all creatures alone and unwanted.”
― Dav Pilkey

“It’s YOUR story, kid. You can color it any way you want.”
― Dav Pilkey, Grime and Punishment

“Have you read your UNDERPANTS today?”
― Dav Pilkey

“George and Harold were usually responsible kids. Whenever anything bad happened, George and Harold were usually responsible.”
― Dav Pilkey, The Adventures of Captain Underpants

“What happened at the end of our last story is something called misdirection. It's what happens when you are led to believe that something is true, but in reality it's not true at all. Misdirection happens a lot in real life- especially in politics, history, education, medicine, marketing, science, religion, and the Oprah Winfrey Network.”
― Dav Pilkey, Captain Underpants and the Revolting Revenge of the Radioactive Robo-Boxers

“It's not enough to just be good. We gotta do good! Even if things get scary!”
― Dav Pilkey, For Whom the Ball Rolls

“tra-la-la!-captain underpants”
― Dav Pilkey, The Adventures of Captain Underpants

“That's easy for you to say! You're just a kid. You don't know what a rotten, horrible place this world can be. It can be so cold...so cruel...so unforgiving..."
"Papa...That's why we need to be good.”
― Dav Pilkey, Lord of the Fleas

“Never trust anyone, Daniel, especially the people you admire. Those are the ones who will make you suffer the worst blows.”
― Dav Pilkey, Kat Kong

“sometimes the smallest things can often make the biggest difference”
― Dav Pilkey, Collaborations

“You may have even commented on the surprising inappropriateness of such a murderous and bloody scene appearing in a children's book. It's fun to feel offended, isn't it?”
― Dav Pilkey, Captain Underpants and the Revolting Revenge of the Radioactive Robo-Boxers

“Another piece of Zygo-Gogozizzle 24 ended up landing in a grape vineyard on planet Pinot. The Zygo-Gogozizzle 24 was quickly absorbed into the soil and was subsequently soaked up into the grapes. These grapes, which had until recently been harvested almost to extinction, suddenly became self-aware and super intelligent. They banded together in bunches and rose up to defeat their oppressors. The battle lasted one whole night, but sadly, it ended the next morning when the sun came up. The rebellion shriveled when the poor grapes ran out of juice. Apparently there’s a raisin for everything.”
― Dav Pilkey

“The turkeys were chunky
With smiley, beaked faces,
And they greeted the children
With downy embraces.

So out through the barnyard
They ran and they flew,
And they gobbled and giggled
As friends sometimes do.

Then somebody spotted
An ax by the door,
And she asked Farmer Nuggett
What it was for.

With a blink of his eye
And a twist of his head,
The old farmer told
A grim tale of dread:

“Tonight,� said Mack Nuggett,
“These feathery beasts
Will be chopped up and roasted
For Thanksgiving feasts.�

The children stood still
As tears filled their eyes,
Then they clamored aloud
In a chorus of cries.

“Oh dear,� cried Mack Nuggett,
“Now what shall I do?�
So he dashed to the well,
And the teacher went, too.

And they fetched some water
Fresh from the ground,
In hopes that a swig
Might calm everyone down.

And when they returned
To quiet the matter,
The children were calmer
(And mysteriously fatter!).”
― Dav Pilkey, 'Twas The Night Before Thanksgiving

“If the reality you've constructed for yourself and your family can be shattered by a children's book, maybe children's books aren't the problem.”
― Dav Pilkey

“Welcome to my world, Melvin! Girls have to work harder than boys... and we still get less!!! Less respect... less money... less freedom... less opportunities... and dopes like you never even notice!!!”
― Dav Pilkey, Perspectives

“Officer knight is tough but not smart! And greg the dog is smart but his body is his weakness! Well what if they work together? Oh that might be a problem!”
― Dav pilkey, Dog Man

“O’er rivers, through woods,
With winding and weaves,
Their school bus sailed on
Through the new-fallen leaves.

When out on the road
There arose such a clatter,
They threw down their windows
To see what was the matter.

When what with their wondering eyes
Should they see,
But a miniature farm
And eight tiny turkey.

And a little old man
So lively and rugged,
They knew in a moment
It was Farmer Mack Nuggett.

He was dressed all in denim
From his head to his toe,
With a pinch of polyester
And a dash of Velcro.

And then in a twinkling
They heard in the straw
The prancing and pawing
Of each little claw.

More rapid than chickens
His cockerels they came.
He whistled and shouted
And called them by name:

“Now Ollie, now Stanley, now Larry and Moe,
On Wally, on Beaver, on Shemp and Groucho!”
― Dav Pilkey, 'Twas The Night Before Thanksgiving

“Sometimes the smallest things can often make the biggest difference.”
― Dav Pilkey

“we're better when we work together”
― Dav Pilkey, Collaborations

“We have love, and that's all we need, right Papa?”
― Dav Pilkey

“Twas the day before Thanksgiving
And all through the trees,
The fall leaves were spinning
Aloft in the breeze.

Eight children had boarded
Their school bus with grins
In hopes that a field trip
Soon would begin.

They sang as they rode
Through autumn terrains,
While visions of drumsticks
Danced in their brains.”
― Dav Pilkey, 'Twas The Night Before Thanksgiving

“Twas the night before Thanksgiving,
And the stars up above
Shone down on a school bus
Abounding with love.

The very next evening,
Eight families were blessed
With eight fluffy Thanksgiving turkeys
As guests.

They feasted on veggies
With jelly and toast,
And everyone was thankful
(The turkeys were most!).

So each one gave thanks
For love and for living,
And they all had a wonderful
Happy Thanksgiving.”
― Dav Pilkey, 'Twas The Night Before Thanksgiving

“Ice women diary: A witches tin key.”
― Dav Pilkey

“Tonight,â€� said Mack Nuggett,
“These feathery beasts
Will be chopped up and roasted
For Thanksgiving feasts.�

The children stood still
As tears filled their eyes,
Then they clamored aloud
In a chorus of cries.

“Oh dear,� cried Mack Nuggett,
“Now what shall I do?�
So he dashed to the well,
And the teacher went, too.

And they fetched some water
Fresh from the ground,
In hopes that a swig
Might calm everyone down.

And when they returned
To quiet the matter,
The children were calmer
(And mysteriously fatter!).

The boys and girls drank up
Their drinks in the hay,
Then thanked old Mack Nuggett
And waddled away.

They limped to the school bus
All huffing and puffing--
It’s not easy to walk
With hot turkey stuffing.

And then, as the school bus drove off in the night,
Mack Nuggett looked ‘round--not a turkey in sight!”
― Dav Pilkey, 'Twas The Night Before Thanksgiving

“This world has a lot of problems, but it could never be a horrible place... because you're in it.”
― Dav Pilkey

“Find”
― Dav Pilkey, The Adventures of Super Diaper Baby

“Remember what Master Wong said - "don't... uh... be scared and stuff.”
― Dav Pilkey, The Adventures of Ook and Gluk: Kung Fu Cavemen from the Future

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings. Yet in these dark places, when we think that maybe we have been buried, actually, we have been planted.”
― Dav Pilkey, Big Jim Begins