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The only way to find out if you are a warlock surrounded by trolls.

This (crappy) photo from my cellphone is of something unusual that caught my eye this morning. Maybe I'm high from the tetanus shot I just received, or maybe it's the rusty nail I'm stabbing myself with, but I thought it would make for a good contest.

So, what do you think it is? Tell me in the comments. Best explanation of what it is (or the one that comes the closest to describing what it actually is) wins a one of a kind postcard with a sneak peek into the setting of my next novel.

You've got until 11:59PM, Friday 3/4/2011.

I'm thrilled to have a short story up at The Next Best Book Blog's Tell Me a Story page:

but they neglected to tell us why the books were the most stolen, or what their theft might mean or how annoying italics can be to read.

1. 1000 Photoshop Tips and Tricks (or, how to make your pirated eBooks look good on your eReader)

2. Advanced Sex: Explicit Positions for Explosive Lovemaking (alternate title: Love Among the Ruins: Incorporating Carnal Pleasure Into Bridge Demolition)

3. What Did We Use Before Toilet Paper?: 200 Curious Questions (Hint: it didn't involve ripping pages from a Kindle.)

4. Photoshop CS5 All-in-One For Dummies (Again with the "Why don't my e-books look right?" Maybe it's because you stole them, Mr. Steelzalot?)

5. What Rich People Know & Desperately Want to Keep a Secret (They steal all their e-books, thereby saving dollars and dollars a year.)

6. 101 Short Cuts in Maths Any One Can Do (Maths? Math. Maths. Math? Maths. Maths? Math. Maths. Maths. Maths?! Math. Math? Maths...)

7. Touch Me There!: A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots (How the Hell does this author know where "Your" hot spots are, hmmmm? And why does he/she have to point them out to you?)

8. How to Blow Her Mind in Bed (Show her how many books you downloaded, "For, like, you know, free and stuff." Then say "argh." Then put on an eye-patch. Women love a pirate.)

9. 1001 Math Problems (Math? Maths? Math...)

10. How To Make People Like You In 90 Seconds Or Less (Don't steal the books they spent years of their lives putting together.)

Read it, or befall the fate of

With apologies to anyone who has ever been verbally assaulted by the use of the term, the word "nigger" matters.

This galling decision has been done, claims Twain expert Alan Gribben, because, "Race matters in these books... It's a matter of how you express that in the 21st century."

I think Mr. Gribben has confused the importance of history and literature with contemporary mores and marketing.

Being a slave is a matter of current conditions. Being called a nigger is a matter of dehumanizing worldview. One could escape slavery. One could not escape the viral worldview that allowed it. To equate "slave" with "nigger" is to confuse a condition with a method. People were not called niggers because they were slaves. People were called slaves because they were controlled. People were called nigger because, in that worldview, they had no place, never did, and never should.

The use of "slavery" over "nigger" in Huckleberry Finn creates another problem. It equates slavery with blacks, which is not the full picture. There were (and sadly are) other slaves who were or are not black. The word nigger was a tool for slavery, but not the only tool.

Finally, the motive for this switch is, ultimately, cowardice. The motive is to avoid tough questions from children who might ask why it was okay for Mark Twain to write "nigger," but it's not okay for them to yell it at the park. It avoids difficult conversations with parents who object to their children reading a difficult word because they themselves don't understand the opportunity to teach means facing horrible truths about our own past. It avoids the need to look boldly and bluntly at our own personal histories -- ones not too far removed, a small number of decades you can count on one hand -- back to an era where seeing a black American meant seeing someone who couldn't vote, or couldn't ride that bus, or couldn't get a drink from a certain water fountain. It avoids confronting the truth of our present, where people still use the word in the most horrible of ways: as a means to attack not the actions or views of another, but as a means to attack that persons very right to exist, to stand, to speak.

That's why the word "nigger" matters.

I have a new piece up at The Nervous Breakdown:

An excerpt:

Q: Is there any question you won't answer?

A: Next question.

It was not my intention to have competing interviews out today, but here we are:

The first is longer, but the second has prizes. Try them both and keep the one that's right for you.

I will be at Brooklyn bookstore as part of their holiday open house. I will be wrapping books, bagging books, talking books and getting arrested. Stop by!

WORD: 126 Franklin Street Brooklyn, NY 11222, 718-383-0096.