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More: A Memoir of Open Marriage
NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER â€� An intimate memoir of love, desire, and personal growth that follows a happily married mother as she explores sex and relationships outside her marriageÌý•Ì�"This book about open marriage is going to blow up your group chat"â€�The Washington Post
Molly Roden Winter was a mother of small children with a husband, Stewart, who often worked late. One night when Stewart missed the kids� bedtime—again—she stormed out of the house to clear her head. At a bar, she met Matt, a flirtatious younger man. When Molly told her husband that Matt had asked her out, she was surprised that Stewart encouraged her to accept.
So began Molly’s unexpected open marriage and, with it, a life-changing journey of self-discovery. Molly signs up for dating sites, enters into passionate flings, and has sex in hotels and public places around New York City. For Molly it’s a mystery why she wants what she wants. In therapy sessions, fueled by the discovery that her parents had an open marriage, too, she grapples with her past and what it means to be a mother and a whole person.
Molly and Stewart, who also begins to see other people, set ground Don’t date an ex. Don’t date someone in the neighborhood. Don’t go to anyone’s home. And above all, don’t fall in love. In the years that follow, they break most of their rules, even the most important one. They grapple with jealousy, insecurity, and doubts, all the while Can they love others and stay true to their love for each other? Can they make the impossible work?
More is an electric debut that offers both steamy fun and poignant reflections on motherhood, daughterhood, marriage, and self-fulfillment. With warmth, humor, and style, Molly Roden Winter delivers an unputdownable journey of a woman becoming her most authentic self.
Molly Roden Winter was a mother of small children with a husband, Stewart, who often worked late. One night when Stewart missed the kids� bedtime—again—she stormed out of the house to clear her head. At a bar, she met Matt, a flirtatious younger man. When Molly told her husband that Matt had asked her out, she was surprised that Stewart encouraged her to accept.
So began Molly’s unexpected open marriage and, with it, a life-changing journey of self-discovery. Molly signs up for dating sites, enters into passionate flings, and has sex in hotels and public places around New York City. For Molly it’s a mystery why she wants what she wants. In therapy sessions, fueled by the discovery that her parents had an open marriage, too, she grapples with her past and what it means to be a mother and a whole person.
Molly and Stewart, who also begins to see other people, set ground Don’t date an ex. Don’t date someone in the neighborhood. Don’t go to anyone’s home. And above all, don’t fall in love. In the years that follow, they break most of their rules, even the most important one. They grapple with jealousy, insecurity, and doubts, all the while Can they love others and stay true to their love for each other? Can they make the impossible work?
More is an electric debut that offers both steamy fun and poignant reflections on motherhood, daughterhood, marriage, and self-fulfillment. With warmth, humor, and style, Molly Roden Winter delivers an unputdownable journey of a woman becoming her most authentic self.
292 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 16, 2024
546 people are currently reading
8,116 people want to read
About the author
Molly Roden Winter
2Ìýbooks76ÌýfollowersMOLLY RODEN WINTER was raised in Evanston, Illinois, and lives in Park Slope, Brooklyn, with her husband and two sons. Her personal essays have appeared in Motherwell, Pangyrus, and Capsule Stories. She is half of the guitar-playing, song-writing duo House of Mirth.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 1,487 reviews
February 1, 2024
silly white woman shenanigans
April 24, 2024
When a story about nonmonogamy comes out I feel personally obligated to read and review it. Most of these are still stories by monogamous people about how weird and wild it all is, presenting it as some intriguing aberrance, more a game than a reality. Slowly but surely we're starting to get stories from people who actually live it and that's a step in the right direction. Not all of them have been good stories (see my extremely long screed about 2022's OPEN) but MORE is the best one so far.
That is not to say that I read MORE and thought, "Yes, this is it, I feel represented." Because mostly I didn't. And that's really not what I'm asking for. Nonmonogamy is a pretty vast thing, it is the entire negative space around monogamy so there is no one story that will sum it up. And Winter's version of nonmonogamy is drastically different from mine in almost every way. (She's married, straight, and for almost the whole book has no real idea of what she wants in a partner.) But I did see a lot that was recognizable. I spent most of the book frustrated, rolling my eyes, gritting my teeth, saying aloud to Molly things like "what are you doing????" and "this is a red flag!!!" I didn't think I liked the book at all for quite a while. Then I had one of those moments where I realized why I was so uncomfortable. Because I had made a lot of these mistakes a few years ago, because no one starts out in nonmonogamy knowing what they're doing or what they want, that the mess is an inevitable part of the process.
I like a focused memoir, and it's definitely that. One thing it doesn't have that I wish it did is a little more growth. The real issue there is that this is, in every way, a book that is trying to justify and explain Winter's open marriage. She wants you to follow her on this journey but it does not feel like we've reached a destination by the end. It does not feel like there is a new normal, a determination of what to do now. In a way, this makes total sense. Nonmonogamy is all about change, it is a commitment to change. But the last relationship of the book was, to me, the most problematic and I was dying for the last several chapters trying to figure out if Winter would figure this out or not before the book was over. It is not a great ending point narratively speaking. But life isn't exactly the stuff of a clean narrative.
I expect many people will read this book and think it sounds stressful and difficult and not worthwhile. They are not totally off base. I know people who had a more difficult time than Winter, whose lives were upended by nonmonogamy. But I know a lot more who found a lot of stability after a few early bumps, including myself. I think a lot of women in particular will find Winter's story fascinating in its quest for personal fulfillment outside of the domestic.
A few things I didn't love. This is one of those well off New Yorker stories where the well-off-ness is almost never acknowledged and almost constantly danced around in a way that always annoys me. Winter's husband gets a lot of attention in this book and yet it still feels like not as much as there should be, it isn't uncommon in memoir for people to bring a kind of rose-colored lens to a partner and that is definitely happening here. The opening chapter bugged me, when you get the same events with more context later it felt like a totally different event that had been played up for maximum shock value in the opener.
That is not to say that I read MORE and thought, "Yes, this is it, I feel represented." Because mostly I didn't. And that's really not what I'm asking for. Nonmonogamy is a pretty vast thing, it is the entire negative space around monogamy so there is no one story that will sum it up. And Winter's version of nonmonogamy is drastically different from mine in almost every way. (She's married, straight, and for almost the whole book has no real idea of what she wants in a partner.) But I did see a lot that was recognizable. I spent most of the book frustrated, rolling my eyes, gritting my teeth, saying aloud to Molly things like "what are you doing????" and "this is a red flag!!!" I didn't think I liked the book at all for quite a while. Then I had one of those moments where I realized why I was so uncomfortable. Because I had made a lot of these mistakes a few years ago, because no one starts out in nonmonogamy knowing what they're doing or what they want, that the mess is an inevitable part of the process.
I like a focused memoir, and it's definitely that. One thing it doesn't have that I wish it did is a little more growth. The real issue there is that this is, in every way, a book that is trying to justify and explain Winter's open marriage. She wants you to follow her on this journey but it does not feel like we've reached a destination by the end. It does not feel like there is a new normal, a determination of what to do now. In a way, this makes total sense. Nonmonogamy is all about change, it is a commitment to change. But the last relationship of the book was, to me, the most problematic and I was dying for the last several chapters trying to figure out if Winter would figure this out or not before the book was over. It is not a great ending point narratively speaking. But life isn't exactly the stuff of a clean narrative.
I expect many people will read this book and think it sounds stressful and difficult and not worthwhile. They are not totally off base. I know people who had a more difficult time than Winter, whose lives were upended by nonmonogamy. But I know a lot more who found a lot of stability after a few early bumps, including myself. I think a lot of women in particular will find Winter's story fascinating in its quest for personal fulfillment outside of the domestic.
A few things I didn't love. This is one of those well off New Yorker stories where the well-off-ness is almost never acknowledged and almost constantly danced around in a way that always annoys me. Winter's husband gets a lot of attention in this book and yet it still feels like not as much as there should be, it isn't uncommon in memoir for people to bring a kind of rose-colored lens to a partner and that is definitely happening here. The opening chapter bugged me, when you get the same events with more context later it felt like a totally different event that had been played up for maximum shock value in the opener.
April 14, 2024
Thank you to NetGalley for the ARC.
She’s a good writer but lacks the self reflection needed for writing a memoir. For example she mentions seeking out men who are looking for affairs. Why? I’m not one of those people who think cheating is the worst thing anyone could do, but she just doesn’t even reflect on why she did that? Other points within the memoir lack reflection as well. Also I hate how she talks about food and fat people. It’s very subtle but like fatphobic like why did you have to call a woman heavyset twice and then say she “waddled� away. Why does she keep mentioning eating “too much food.� What does that mean?
She’s a good writer but lacks the self reflection needed for writing a memoir. For example she mentions seeking out men who are looking for affairs. Why? I’m not one of those people who think cheating is the worst thing anyone could do, but she just doesn’t even reflect on why she did that? Other points within the memoir lack reflection as well. Also I hate how she talks about food and fat people. It’s very subtle but like fatphobic like why did you have to call a woman heavyset twice and then say she “waddled� away. Why does she keep mentioning eating “too much food.� What does that mean?
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 30, 2024
DNF @ 27% with the author’s casual admission of digital brown face and the weird humor she attempts when describing it.
Context: Molly (a white woman) shares her story of making a profile on the infamous Ashley Madison site where she describes creating a Latina alter-ego.
“The twin sins of cultural appropriation and misrepresenting myself to men with Latina fetishes hardly seem important in the world of Ashley Madison. Mercedes Invierno is a badass. Straight A Molly’s polar opposite. Within 24 hours of her debut on the online dating stage, Mercedes has gotten likes from over a hundred nameless, nearly faceless men looking to “hook up� with “a partner in crime�. And she eats up the attention like a warm plate of churros.�
Fuck off actually!
Context: Molly (a white woman) shares her story of making a profile on the infamous Ashley Madison site where she describes creating a Latina alter-ego.
“The twin sins of cultural appropriation and misrepresenting myself to men with Latina fetishes hardly seem important in the world of Ashley Madison. Mercedes Invierno is a badass. Straight A Molly’s polar opposite. Within 24 hours of her debut on the online dating stage, Mercedes has gotten likes from over a hundred nameless, nearly faceless men looking to “hook up� with “a partner in crime�. And she eats up the attention like a warm plate of churros.�
Fuck off actually!
February 4, 2024
Yeesh. This was lurid. Definitely a page turner, but a train wreck and painful. I have a hard time understanding where the author finds true joy. Everything is either obligation, desperation or negotiation between the two. She tells a good story. But it feels like she is still wearing some pretty heavy blinders and corsets, and drinking to tolerate both. Definitely not what I thought this book would be.
January 28, 2024
Yes, the polyamory part of this memoir is what has people talking -- and that element IS incredibly interesting and revealing (pun intended). Molly Roden Winter is a terrific storyteller and writer, and like any good memoirist, has absolutely no filter. But what I really loved about her story is how it's fundamentally a tale of one woman coming to terms with being in that sandwich generation, caring for aging parents while raising her own kids, and trying to understand her own demons and desires. Also? This is a happy marriage book and a love story, and I savored that part, as well. You will, too.
March 5, 2024
I was drawn to this memoir because I too, was a woman in an open marriage with my husband of 10+ years. I was so very frustrated and angry reading this book. It made me want to write a book of my own about all the reflections, lessons, and self-awareness we both gained from the experience- something that is completely missing from MORE. The most important values we learned, and incorporated from the very beginning of our journey were: communication, transparency, and establishing and maintaining boundaries. Without these things, an open marriage- let alone any relationship (romantic, friendship, business, etc.)- cannot and will not work. Molly and her husband did not incorporate any of these values- their open marriage emerges from a very toxic, emotionally abusive relationship and it was so very hard to get through this book. No self-awareness was gained, and the utter lack of respect for one another made me nauseous. Like others have stated, it was one big car accident that I could not look away from. I continued to read the book, hoping that Molly and her husband would gain ANY sense of self-awareness after realistically analyzing their situation, and that the book would end with either: closing off this toxic open marriage for good, or: continuing their open marriage with improvements. Nope. Instead they dragged multiple individuals through the mud as their open marriage got messier and messier, including but not limited to: sacrificing time with their children, sacrificing time with Molly’s mother who was recently diagnosed with sickness, and focusing on boosting their lack of self-worth and self-esteem with external validation from strangers. Here is my personal review of this book, from the perspective of another female who went through her own open marriage experience.
SPOILER ALERT:
1. Molly seeks men who are in affairs/cheating on their partners. I believe that people should be free to do whatever they want in their life, as long as it’s not hurting other people. Who in their right mind seeks toxic individuals actively cheating on their partners? It’s utterly disgusting and immediately made me question Molly’s ethics as a human being from the very start. She drops this information very casually, that her partners are all cheating (she finds them on Ashley Madison), and never explains why she chose to ACTIVELY seek men cheating on their wives/girlfriends. This is not practicing ethical non-monogamy. This is being a terrible human being not respecting boundaries, and not caring if you are hurting other people who have no idea that the partners they love are out lying and being deceitful behind their backs. Molly also chooses not to disclose to several of her partners that she is in an open marriage- in their eyes, she is a single woman. She sleeps with a man who is cheating on his girlfriend, for years. The lack of transparency, all the lying- is truly concerning.
2. Molly brings a man to her home to engage in sexual activity with him- in the same house with her CHILDREN. I lost all my respect for Molly at this point. Molly brings another man to her home to engage in sexual activity with him, bringing him into her children’s space. Her husband also agrees to this. WHAT?! It doesn’t matter if you think you know someone well, why would you bring a stranger to your home where your children are? How are you not more protective of your children?
3. The very toxic and confusing relationship between Molly and her husband, Stewart- they are both manipulative individuals constantly battling one another. Stewart gaslights Molly whenever she speaks up about her feelings and boundaries. He literally sleeps with his EX-GIRLFRIEND. Molly is obviously very uncomfortable from the start when he first starts seeing her, and this should have been very obvious to him. He doesn’t care. When he tells her that he had slept with his ex, Molly literally crumbles to the floor, destroyed. He then gets mad at her for getting mad at him, saying she had also slept with another man, and that she had given him permission to sleep with his ex, and so- he didn’t do anything wrong. YIKES. First off, seeing ex-partners during an open marriage should be, in my opinion, a HUGE no-no as it is very complicated ground. That should have been a boundary from the very start, but Molly- as you may realize throughout the entire book- does not have the guts to stand up for herself, ever. She is constantly pushed around by her husband and the other men she sees- at one point she has a threesome she herself doesn’t want, to try to impress a man she likes- HUH? Molly’s husband also derives pleasure from hearing about his wife’s sexual adventures, it’s a kink for him. He continuously pushes her to sleep with other men and to report back to him with all the details of their escapades. He also loves calling Molly terms during sex- b*tch, c*nt, etc- that she has stated over and over again that she hates- and yet he continues. On the other hand, Molly is often very jealous of her husband and his relationships. She doesn’t want to hear ANYTHING about her husband’s adventures because it makes her extremely jealous and self-conscious. This creates constant tension between the two of them because of the very unequal way in which they view the open marriage. Molly is constantly angry and jealous at Stewart for doing the same things she is doing- going on trips with other people, spending time together, having people over at the house, etc. What she tells Stewart never lines up with how she truly feels- i.e. telling Stewart it would be okay for him to bring his girlfriend over to the house- when he actually does, she blows up at him, enraged that he brought her over because he should have read her mind to know she didn’t� “actually� mean what she said. Another big HUH? The emotional manipulation and mixed signals are off the charts. Molly is also only happy when things are going great for her and whoever guy she is seeing at the time. As soon as things turn sour for her- which often happens- she shuts down and wants Stewart to stop seeing other people. Her mood about the open marriage shifts depending on whether or not she is having a good time, not taking into consideration how things are going for her husband. Both of them are very selfish individuals and they keep taking digs at eachother, exploding at one another in emotional outbursts, and hurting one another throughout the entire book.
4. Molly’s alter ego/ fake name she uses to meet cheating men- Mercedes Invierno. Using a fake name outside of her ethnic background to seem more sensual, seductive� need I say more? What is this foolery? It made me feel so gross reading this. Latina women already have such a history of being hypersexualized and she plays into this by donning this name. Mega yikes.
5. Getting frisky with people in your work cubicle right next to your coworkers? Getting frisky in grubby dirty karaoke rooms? Where is the self-respect? How could you put your work, your reputation, yourself at risk? Molly also has her boundaries broken many times- to use protection during sex- and continues to see this man who continues to break her boundaries for over 8 MONTHS, as she continuously makes excuses for him. She also decides not to tell her husband about the many times she’s had unprotected sex- this puts not only her, but her husband’s health at risk. Very dangerous, bad decisions are made.
6. Molly’s therapist only enabled her to continue to make terrible decisions. What’s the point of paying a professional to get help when they don’t bring awareness to your harmful decisions, complete lack of self-respect and respect for others?
Overall, I saw this book as a woman lying to herself about what she truly wants, struggling to find true happiness even though it seems she has it all (money, a beautiful home, 2 healthy growing children), and battling a very toxic relationship with her husband who refuses to support his wife in the way she needs to be supported because he wants to keep seeing other women. I surely hope that anyone who is thinking of being ENM (ethnically non-monogamous) or opening up their marriage will not read this book and think that this is what a healthy ENM relationship looks like, because it is not. Parts of this memoir that I did appreciate and relate to, was the struggle in trying to fill what feels like an empty hole in your life. I was cheering for Molly when she found new hobbies that she loved, and finding new ways to grow and evolve as a human being that didn’t involve giving into emotional abuse, or chasing after cheating men to give her the external validation she needed to boost her extremely low self-esteem. That “hole� in your life doesn’t necessarily have to be filled by someone else’s you-know-what. Maybe ask yourself- what do I feel like I’m missing in my life, and why do I feel this way? Is it truly something new that I need to find as an external addition/force to my life, or can I find it within myself? If seeing other people and practicing non-monogamy works for you and your partner, great! But make sure it’s a healthy ENM relationship with clear boundaries, communication, respect, and transparency. This toxic relationship in MORE- is not it.
SPOILER ALERT:
1. Molly seeks men who are in affairs/cheating on their partners. I believe that people should be free to do whatever they want in their life, as long as it’s not hurting other people. Who in their right mind seeks toxic individuals actively cheating on their partners? It’s utterly disgusting and immediately made me question Molly’s ethics as a human being from the very start. She drops this information very casually, that her partners are all cheating (she finds them on Ashley Madison), and never explains why she chose to ACTIVELY seek men cheating on their wives/girlfriends. This is not practicing ethical non-monogamy. This is being a terrible human being not respecting boundaries, and not caring if you are hurting other people who have no idea that the partners they love are out lying and being deceitful behind their backs. Molly also chooses not to disclose to several of her partners that she is in an open marriage- in their eyes, she is a single woman. She sleeps with a man who is cheating on his girlfriend, for years. The lack of transparency, all the lying- is truly concerning.
2. Molly brings a man to her home to engage in sexual activity with him- in the same house with her CHILDREN. I lost all my respect for Molly at this point. Molly brings another man to her home to engage in sexual activity with him, bringing him into her children’s space. Her husband also agrees to this. WHAT?! It doesn’t matter if you think you know someone well, why would you bring a stranger to your home where your children are? How are you not more protective of your children?
3. The very toxic and confusing relationship between Molly and her husband, Stewart- they are both manipulative individuals constantly battling one another. Stewart gaslights Molly whenever she speaks up about her feelings and boundaries. He literally sleeps with his EX-GIRLFRIEND. Molly is obviously very uncomfortable from the start when he first starts seeing her, and this should have been very obvious to him. He doesn’t care. When he tells her that he had slept with his ex, Molly literally crumbles to the floor, destroyed. He then gets mad at her for getting mad at him, saying she had also slept with another man, and that she had given him permission to sleep with his ex, and so- he didn’t do anything wrong. YIKES. First off, seeing ex-partners during an open marriage should be, in my opinion, a HUGE no-no as it is very complicated ground. That should have been a boundary from the very start, but Molly- as you may realize throughout the entire book- does not have the guts to stand up for herself, ever. She is constantly pushed around by her husband and the other men she sees- at one point she has a threesome she herself doesn’t want, to try to impress a man she likes- HUH? Molly’s husband also derives pleasure from hearing about his wife’s sexual adventures, it’s a kink for him. He continuously pushes her to sleep with other men and to report back to him with all the details of their escapades. He also loves calling Molly terms during sex- b*tch, c*nt, etc- that she has stated over and over again that she hates- and yet he continues. On the other hand, Molly is often very jealous of her husband and his relationships. She doesn’t want to hear ANYTHING about her husband’s adventures because it makes her extremely jealous and self-conscious. This creates constant tension between the two of them because of the very unequal way in which they view the open marriage. Molly is constantly angry and jealous at Stewart for doing the same things she is doing- going on trips with other people, spending time together, having people over at the house, etc. What she tells Stewart never lines up with how she truly feels- i.e. telling Stewart it would be okay for him to bring his girlfriend over to the house- when he actually does, she blows up at him, enraged that he brought her over because he should have read her mind to know she didn’t� “actually� mean what she said. Another big HUH? The emotional manipulation and mixed signals are off the charts. Molly is also only happy when things are going great for her and whoever guy she is seeing at the time. As soon as things turn sour for her- which often happens- she shuts down and wants Stewart to stop seeing other people. Her mood about the open marriage shifts depending on whether or not she is having a good time, not taking into consideration how things are going for her husband. Both of them are very selfish individuals and they keep taking digs at eachother, exploding at one another in emotional outbursts, and hurting one another throughout the entire book.
4. Molly’s alter ego/ fake name she uses to meet cheating men- Mercedes Invierno. Using a fake name outside of her ethnic background to seem more sensual, seductive� need I say more? What is this foolery? It made me feel so gross reading this. Latina women already have such a history of being hypersexualized and she plays into this by donning this name. Mega yikes.
5. Getting frisky with people in your work cubicle right next to your coworkers? Getting frisky in grubby dirty karaoke rooms? Where is the self-respect? How could you put your work, your reputation, yourself at risk? Molly also has her boundaries broken many times- to use protection during sex- and continues to see this man who continues to break her boundaries for over 8 MONTHS, as she continuously makes excuses for him. She also decides not to tell her husband about the many times she’s had unprotected sex- this puts not only her, but her husband’s health at risk. Very dangerous, bad decisions are made.
6. Molly’s therapist only enabled her to continue to make terrible decisions. What’s the point of paying a professional to get help when they don’t bring awareness to your harmful decisions, complete lack of self-respect and respect for others?
Overall, I saw this book as a woman lying to herself about what she truly wants, struggling to find true happiness even though it seems she has it all (money, a beautiful home, 2 healthy growing children), and battling a very toxic relationship with her husband who refuses to support his wife in the way she needs to be supported because he wants to keep seeing other women. I surely hope that anyone who is thinking of being ENM (ethnically non-monogamous) or opening up their marriage will not read this book and think that this is what a healthy ENM relationship looks like, because it is not. Parts of this memoir that I did appreciate and relate to, was the struggle in trying to fill what feels like an empty hole in your life. I was cheering for Molly when she found new hobbies that she loved, and finding new ways to grow and evolve as a human being that didn’t involve giving into emotional abuse, or chasing after cheating men to give her the external validation she needed to boost her extremely low self-esteem. That “hole� in your life doesn’t necessarily have to be filled by someone else’s you-know-what. Maybe ask yourself- what do I feel like I’m missing in my life, and why do I feel this way? Is it truly something new that I need to find as an external addition/force to my life, or can I find it within myself? If seeing other people and practicing non-monogamy works for you and your partner, great! But make sure it’s a healthy ENM relationship with clear boundaries, communication, respect, and transparency. This toxic relationship in MORE- is not it.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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January 17, 2024DNF. Sounds exhausting. A lot of crying and fucking.
April 22, 2024
Things I actually could have used more of in this book:
- Any amount of reflection on how starting her journey into an open marriage by seeing men who were cheating (and specifically seeking them out on Ashley Madison) might have been a little messed up.
- Having Stewart removed from his pedestal by the end of the memoir. For example, he realizes he needs to do more around the house when their youngest is eight, and something tells me nothing really changed since this was written. He is also completely dismissive anytime Molly mentions wanting to close the marriage, which I'm surprised the therapists don't bring up. Considering they opened their marriage up in the first place because it's clearly Stewart's kink, you'd think the memoir would touch on if this was even ethical nonmonogamy at all...
- A discussion of Molly's privilege, and how that ultimately leads to her and Stewart being able to explore their open marriage with a lot more freedom than most would have. Neither have an issue paying for hotel rooms, dinners, and babysitters multiple times per week. When Molly simply dropped the detail about being able to quit her job to work part-time for her Dad's company I realized she really hadn't given her wealth too much thought.
An interesting idea, I just wish someone else had told it.
- Any amount of reflection on how starting her journey into an open marriage by seeing men who were cheating (and specifically seeking them out on Ashley Madison) might have been a little messed up.
- Having Stewart removed from his pedestal by the end of the memoir. For example, he realizes he needs to do more around the house when their youngest is eight, and something tells me nothing really changed since this was written. He is also completely dismissive anytime Molly mentions wanting to close the marriage, which I'm surprised the therapists don't bring up. Considering they opened their marriage up in the first place because it's clearly Stewart's kink, you'd think the memoir would touch on if this was even ethical nonmonogamy at all...
- A discussion of Molly's privilege, and how that ultimately leads to her and Stewart being able to explore their open marriage with a lot more freedom than most would have. Neither have an issue paying for hotel rooms, dinners, and babysitters multiple times per week. When Molly simply dropped the detail about being able to quit her job to work part-time for her Dad's company I realized she really hadn't given her wealth too much thought.
An interesting idea, I just wish someone else had told it.
January 26, 2024
This is possibly the least sexy book I've ever read. The author and her husband are very unappealing characters. For the life of me, I can't fathom her weepiness--all because of events she brought upon herself. There were funny moments, and the book is well-written, but the level of clueless self-indulgence and self-pity is stunning.
January 20, 2024
“More� definitely had me feeling like I can probably be okay with “Less�
Molly Roden Winter’s memoir is definitely one that will overrun dinner party discussions and book club debates within cosmopolitan friend groups for the foreseeable future. As someone who loves other people’s mess, this book surprisingly held up a mirror to my own mess in ways I was not expecting.
Painfully honest and slightly triggering, Roden Winter brings us along her self healing journey in the context of her decades-long open marriage. She tells a relatable story of constantly overextending herself for others and a need to be accepted, loved, and affirmed.
I think there is power in telling your story and while many can not emulate Molly's healing journey as much of it requires financial privilege (expensive therapists, trying out careers, financing multiple partners, costly hobbies, etc), I do think there is a lot to gain from reading this book.
3.5/5 rounded up to 4.
Molly Roden Winter’s memoir is definitely one that will overrun dinner party discussions and book club debates within cosmopolitan friend groups for the foreseeable future. As someone who loves other people’s mess, this book surprisingly held up a mirror to my own mess in ways I was not expecting.
Painfully honest and slightly triggering, Roden Winter brings us along her self healing journey in the context of her decades-long open marriage. She tells a relatable story of constantly overextending herself for others and a need to be accepted, loved, and affirmed.
I think there is power in telling your story and while many can not emulate Molly's healing journey as much of it requires financial privilege (expensive therapists, trying out careers, financing multiple partners, costly hobbies, etc), I do think there is a lot to gain from reading this book.
3.5/5 rounded up to 4.
January 18, 2024
MESS. What a mess. I cannot believe I got through this whole thing. 2x speed 🎧 wasn’t fast enough. Like a car crash you can’t look away from�
There are no revelations here. I think you either subscribe to this style of relationship or you don’t. Also, clearly this lifestyle is bolstered by lots of privilege. 💩
Cover story this week in NY Magazine about polyamory which is just the most bonkers brain twisting explanation of free sex/free love. I mean I kinda get the urge but also MESS. Mess for everyone.
There are no revelations here. I think you either subscribe to this style of relationship or you don’t. Also, clearly this lifestyle is bolstered by lots of privilege. 💩
Cover story this week in NY Magazine about polyamory which is just the most bonkers brain twisting explanation of free sex/free love. I mean I kinda get the urge but also MESS. Mess for everyone.
March 28, 2024
As a therapist I’ve worked with polyamorous couples and every marriage situation one can imagine, so I was interested in this memoir being hailed as one of the best memoirs of 2024�. I personally could never consent to an open relationship but I am all for supporting what works for someone else. After reading this book I really don’t think the open marriage concept is working for the author though�
This book was supposed to be a memoir of a woman exploring the concept of an open marriage but it really came off as a woman being gaslit and forced into something she was uncomfortable with because her husband wanted his fantasies, needs and desires met. There were so many cringy moments where the wife tried to tell her husband she wasn’t enjoying this and he really didn’t care as long as he was able to continue seeing other women and live out his kink. Later in the book he even had a long term relationship with one woman and was dating her way more than he was dating his wife. Sadly, the situations the wife leaned on to validate how much her husband loved her most just made him look like an emotional abuser- for example when the wife needed him and he was away with his long term girlfriend he just ditched the girlfriend and ran home completely careless of his girlfriend’s feelings because he totally objectifies “other women� as sex toys for his enjoyment. The husband creeped me out to be honest. I also feel bad for this woman’s kids when their peers read this book. It’s like the author puts her husbands sexual attraction to her above all else in life. Anything to make him happy- even a memoir he can read that details her sex with other men because it gets him off with zero concern about her children’s feelings. Sadly, the love of her children never trumps being desired by her husband. Her free time is spent trying to secure romantic partners for herself and staying out all night. She should have left her kids out of the book completely it.
This book was supposed to be a memoir of a woman exploring the concept of an open marriage but it really came off as a woman being gaslit and forced into something she was uncomfortable with because her husband wanted his fantasies, needs and desires met. There were so many cringy moments where the wife tried to tell her husband she wasn’t enjoying this and he really didn’t care as long as he was able to continue seeing other women and live out his kink. Later in the book he even had a long term relationship with one woman and was dating her way more than he was dating his wife. Sadly, the situations the wife leaned on to validate how much her husband loved her most just made him look like an emotional abuser- for example when the wife needed him and he was away with his long term girlfriend he just ditched the girlfriend and ran home completely careless of his girlfriend’s feelings because he totally objectifies “other women� as sex toys for his enjoyment. The husband creeped me out to be honest. I also feel bad for this woman’s kids when their peers read this book. It’s like the author puts her husbands sexual attraction to her above all else in life. Anything to make him happy- even a memoir he can read that details her sex with other men because it gets him off with zero concern about her children’s feelings. Sadly, the love of her children never trumps being desired by her husband. Her free time is spent trying to secure romantic partners for herself and staying out all night. She should have left her kids out of the book completely it.
February 24, 2024
These people are insufferable
March 2, 2024
I want to say upfront: you’ve never met a more vanilla person than I am when it comes to my highly normie (& happy) relationship. So maybe I am the last person on earth who should be allowed to judge someone else’s. But since this book is out there in the world, and since I read almost every word (I have my own straight A self, which does not include the ability to put down a book I’ve started even if I hate it) I want you to feel free to reclaim your time/skip this one if:
- the idea of a memoir of a woman spending all her time in therapy to try to learn how to say no without ever actually saying no doesn’t appeal
- the idea of having a relationship where the husband forces his choice down his wife’s throat so hard that even the meek times she tries to reject it he tells her he knows better actually sounds like abuse, not partnership
- you physically recoil at the words “MY baby� in print
- you cannot fathom a world in which your Brooklyn brownstone and your part-time job and two lovely children sounds like a reason for so much rage you have to literally fuck someone else
- the thought of having to actually tell your husband not to have sex with someone else in your house and/or bed is actually the VERY LEAST you could expect of the person with whom you’re sharing your life
- the idea of stretching your butt hole with a plug so someone can have anal sex with you without a condom makes you want to scream (& not with anything close to pleasure)
- you find it offputting for someone to laud themselves for use of the English language even as they repeatedly despoil someone’s French accent
- you’re not a fan of being tricked or seeing someone trick themselves into imagining their husband was ever faithful
- you actually cannot handle the idea that there is a world of spoiled, rich women so unhappy with themselves that they would agree to their husband’s demands to open their marriage, go to seedy hotels, sleep with a woman without feeling any desire, and trick herself into being FINE JUST FINE that actually garners a book deal so her poor children can read every small detail of her sex life down to what she prefers to be called in bed.
Spoiler: it’s supposed to be a happy ending when her husband finally figures out not to call her a “cunt.�
If you can’t tell, I hated this memoir because I hated who it was about: an abusive, self-serving man and a weak, whiny woman traipsing through life without giving one hoot about what their kids will eventually read about the house in which they grew up.
Open your marriage, do whatever you need to in your own private time - but before you try to sell it as laudatory (or sell it, period) for the love of God, think about who else you’re fucking over first.
- the idea of a memoir of a woman spending all her time in therapy to try to learn how to say no without ever actually saying no doesn’t appeal
- the idea of having a relationship where the husband forces his choice down his wife’s throat so hard that even the meek times she tries to reject it he tells her he knows better actually sounds like abuse, not partnership
- you physically recoil at the words “MY baby� in print
- you cannot fathom a world in which your Brooklyn brownstone and your part-time job and two lovely children sounds like a reason for so much rage you have to literally fuck someone else
- the thought of having to actually tell your husband not to have sex with someone else in your house and/or bed is actually the VERY LEAST you could expect of the person with whom you’re sharing your life
- the idea of stretching your butt hole with a plug so someone can have anal sex with you without a condom makes you want to scream (& not with anything close to pleasure)
- you find it offputting for someone to laud themselves for use of the English language even as they repeatedly despoil someone’s French accent
- you’re not a fan of being tricked or seeing someone trick themselves into imagining their husband was ever faithful
- you actually cannot handle the idea that there is a world of spoiled, rich women so unhappy with themselves that they would agree to their husband’s demands to open their marriage, go to seedy hotels, sleep with a woman without feeling any desire, and trick herself into being FINE JUST FINE that actually garners a book deal so her poor children can read every small detail of her sex life down to what she prefers to be called in bed.
Spoiler: it’s supposed to be a happy ending when her husband finally figures out not to call her a “cunt.�
If you can’t tell, I hated this memoir because I hated who it was about: an abusive, self-serving man and a weak, whiny woman traipsing through life without giving one hoot about what their kids will eventually read about the house in which they grew up.
Open your marriage, do whatever you need to in your own private time - but before you try to sell it as laudatory (or sell it, period) for the love of God, think about who else you’re fucking over first.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 30, 2024
Tedious and utterly lacking insight.
I feel wholly deceived by all of the rave newspaper book reviews. Were the critics so easily tittilated by the mere concept of an open marriage that they failed to notice that the book is nothing more than a catalog of events in which the author comes to learn at great length some faux “insight� about relationships or life itself that the vast majority of her readers had figured out in their early twenties at the latest?
Truly, this is one massive “No shit, Sherlock!� of a book.
Also, and here’s why I turned on the spoiler alert flag:
Contrary to the advance publicity, this ain’t no memoir of an average everyday mom who just happens to start exploring with opening her marriage. The fact that the author holds off mentioning that her own parents had an open marriage until some ways into the book struck me as massively disingenuous. It’s clear she (or her editor) knew reader identification (and interest) would fall off sharply if she was upfront about that very relevant biographical detail.
Also, what’s up with her pretending to be oblivious to the fact that her husband comes across throughout as a manipulative, selfish asshole? When most of your readers are well aware of the elephant in the room, it’s just plain disingenuous, and even insulting to the intelligence of her readers, for the author herself not to address the issue. And if you;re not going to do that, at least spare us the incessant declarations of what a great guy that manipulative husband is. It makes the whole book come across as one massive load of BS. I mean, our sense of the husband’s character is derived solely from the author’s own words, so at some level she must see it too. The least she could do is own it. Since she doesn’t, I wish the critics would quit describing this book as searingly honest, when it is precisely the opposite.
If this were a work of fiction, I suppose I’d be crediting the author with having created a very realistic unreliable narrator (if the story that narrator told weren’t as dull as dishwater and twice as predictable, that is.) But since this is billed as a deeply “honest� memoir, I can only conclude that the author is deeply delusional. As are the critics who praised this work as in any way “brave� or “honest�.
Meh. Just meh.
I feel wholly deceived by all of the rave newspaper book reviews. Were the critics so easily tittilated by the mere concept of an open marriage that they failed to notice that the book is nothing more than a catalog of events in which the author comes to learn at great length some faux “insight� about relationships or life itself that the vast majority of her readers had figured out in their early twenties at the latest?
Truly, this is one massive “No shit, Sherlock!� of a book.
Also, and here’s why I turned on the spoiler alert flag:
Contrary to the advance publicity, this ain’t no memoir of an average everyday mom who just happens to start exploring with opening her marriage. The fact that the author holds off mentioning that her own parents had an open marriage until some ways into the book struck me as massively disingenuous. It’s clear she (or her editor) knew reader identification (and interest) would fall off sharply if she was upfront about that very relevant biographical detail.
Also, what’s up with her pretending to be oblivious to the fact that her husband comes across throughout as a manipulative, selfish asshole? When most of your readers are well aware of the elephant in the room, it’s just plain disingenuous, and even insulting to the intelligence of her readers, for the author herself not to address the issue. And if you;re not going to do that, at least spare us the incessant declarations of what a great guy that manipulative husband is. It makes the whole book come across as one massive load of BS. I mean, our sense of the husband’s character is derived solely from the author’s own words, so at some level she must see it too. The least she could do is own it. Since she doesn’t, I wish the critics would quit describing this book as searingly honest, when it is precisely the opposite.
If this were a work of fiction, I suppose I’d be crediting the author with having created a very realistic unreliable narrator (if the story that narrator told weren’t as dull as dishwater and twice as predictable, that is.) But since this is billed as a deeply “honest� memoir, I can only conclude that the author is deeply delusional. As are the critics who praised this work as in any way “brave� or “honest�.
Meh. Just meh.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 4, 2024
Strong contender for worst book of 2024 and it’s only Feb. 4.
June 11, 2024
Oh my GOD do I have a lot of thoughts.
For one, I don't really know how to give this book a star rating. If we're talking about readability, writing style, building interest - definitely a four, maybe even a five. If we're talking about the actual story and the human beings that take part in it - two.
I HATE the people in this book. The husband is the CLEAR villain of the story, but the author is blindingly unaware of this. During so many moments of this book, I thought, am I just a prude? Do I just not respect or understand why others may choose ethical non-monogamy? Am I just jealous that I don't have the same freedoms and sexual adventurousness that Molly does?
But then I would remember: this ISN'T A BOOK ABOUT ETHICAL NON-MONOGAMY. Its a book about a manipulative man's kink, which he gaslights his wife into participating in, because he (and ONLY he) is aroused by it. Stewart pushes Molly into a sexual tryst with another man because it turns him on, and then SLEEPS WITH HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND and belittles Molly when she's upset, telling her that she did it first. These two people never discussed ENM before exploring it; there is no boundary-setting, no agreement, no communication whatsoever before both of them start sleeping with other people. Every time Molly expresses a fear or concern, Stewart belittles and gaslights her into ignoring it.
Speaking of how much Stewart sucks: this is a grown ass man who readily admits that he does not do ANY DOMESTIC LABOR WHATSOEVER because his wife "used to nag him." So he stays out every single night until after his children are in bed; he doesn't help with laundry, cooking, or cleaning; he leaves town so that his wife must manage the children alone, but hires babysitters when his wife is away - Molly, girl, THIS is the man you're bending over backwards to please? He is le trash.
And finally, about Stewart: I truly cannot believe that Molly, a real human woman writing about her real human husband, included in the book about her real life (a book that her two sons will definitely read at some point), that her husband just can't stop himself from calling her a cunt and whore during sex, even though she openly hates it. He's just concentrating so hard on all that great sex that he involuntarily screams "cunt!" in her face during it. MOLLY. MOLLY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING. This man is not only a shitty husband and a shitty father and a shitty lover, but he's also emotionally abusive and a champion manipulator. Bro, you're nearly fifty: you can learn to fold a tee-shirt, and cook a meal, and not scream "cunt" at your wife's face every night. Omg I hate these people so much.
To be fair, as bad as Stewart is, Molly is also a grade-A enabler. She allows a man to sexually assault her via stealthing over and over again, giving ample credence to his story that he just can't enjoy sex with a condom. She participates in a threesome she does not want to have, practically having an out-of-body experience to distance herself from her discomfort, to please some random new dude she's supposedly in love with. She allows her husband to walk all over her because he's "such a great guy" and gosh darnit, he just can't help himself. BOOOOOOOO!
Anyway, my last thought about this whole mess is WHO HAS THE TIME??? Homegirl has a job (does she??), two kids, a husband, friends, a whole pile of domestic labor that we KNOW ol' Stewy ain't helping with - and yet she's going on 3-4 dates a week. Aren't you tired??
UGH. Okay, that's it, I'm livid, gonna go make a voodoo doll of Stewart and run over it with my car.
For one, I don't really know how to give this book a star rating. If we're talking about readability, writing style, building interest - definitely a four, maybe even a five. If we're talking about the actual story and the human beings that take part in it - two.
I HATE the people in this book. The husband is the CLEAR villain of the story, but the author is blindingly unaware of this. During so many moments of this book, I thought, am I just a prude? Do I just not respect or understand why others may choose ethical non-monogamy? Am I just jealous that I don't have the same freedoms and sexual adventurousness that Molly does?
But then I would remember: this ISN'T A BOOK ABOUT ETHICAL NON-MONOGAMY. Its a book about a manipulative man's kink, which he gaslights his wife into participating in, because he (and ONLY he) is aroused by it. Stewart pushes Molly into a sexual tryst with another man because it turns him on, and then SLEEPS WITH HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND and belittles Molly when she's upset, telling her that she did it first. These two people never discussed ENM before exploring it; there is no boundary-setting, no agreement, no communication whatsoever before both of them start sleeping with other people. Every time Molly expresses a fear or concern, Stewart belittles and gaslights her into ignoring it.
Speaking of how much Stewart sucks: this is a grown ass man who readily admits that he does not do ANY DOMESTIC LABOR WHATSOEVER because his wife "used to nag him." So he stays out every single night until after his children are in bed; he doesn't help with laundry, cooking, or cleaning; he leaves town so that his wife must manage the children alone, but hires babysitters when his wife is away - Molly, girl, THIS is the man you're bending over backwards to please? He is le trash.
And finally, about Stewart: I truly cannot believe that Molly, a real human woman writing about her real human husband, included in the book about her real life (a book that her two sons will definitely read at some point), that her husband just can't stop himself from calling her a cunt and whore during sex, even though she openly hates it. He's just concentrating so hard on all that great sex that he involuntarily screams "cunt!" in her face during it. MOLLY. MOLLY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING. This man is not only a shitty husband and a shitty father and a shitty lover, but he's also emotionally abusive and a champion manipulator. Bro, you're nearly fifty: you can learn to fold a tee-shirt, and cook a meal, and not scream "cunt" at your wife's face every night. Omg I hate these people so much.
To be fair, as bad as Stewart is, Molly is also a grade-A enabler. She allows a man to sexually assault her via stealthing over and over again, giving ample credence to his story that he just can't enjoy sex with a condom. She participates in a threesome she does not want to have, practically having an out-of-body experience to distance herself from her discomfort, to please some random new dude she's supposedly in love with. She allows her husband to walk all over her because he's "such a great guy" and gosh darnit, he just can't help himself. BOOOOOOOO!
Anyway, my last thought about this whole mess is WHO HAS THE TIME??? Homegirl has a job (does she??), two kids, a husband, friends, a whole pile of domestic labor that we KNOW ol' Stewy ain't helping with - and yet she's going on 3-4 dates a week. Aren't you tired??
UGH. Okay, that's it, I'm livid, gonna go make a voodoo doll of Stewart and run over it with my car.
January 26, 2024
Me, as a person who wasn’t gifted the book, I would like to offer my most honest comment possible from the bottom of my heart; dear Molly, I really was not convinced. Like, it really reads like you try to enjoy this, but Stew enjoys this way more than you do. You are at the losing end of the bargain. Seriously, you guys have a good marriage and are happy and ya da ya da but why do this to yourself? I feel disturbed in a way, and I feel so sorry for you. We singles who would like to be in marriages would love to be in your shoes at the starting point. I really cannot understand why you pushed it. I hope you’re happy, but I highly doubt that.
October 4, 2023
This is the point where everything is fair game and love is no longer sacred but cheap in every sense of the word. My heart broke in the opening lines when Molly's kid Daniel was protective of his mother when he saw that his dad had an OKCupid profile showing that he was in an open marriage.
I treated it like fiction and I was able to go through with finishing the book. It's like reading about pedophilia and how society no longer views it as abhorrent and look, here's an author sharing everything and hey, it's not so bad. I mean, like where do we draw the line? Sure, open marriages exist but it doesn't mean it needs to be shared in a book! What's the value? Is there some kind of redemption?
Review copy provided by the publisher.
I treated it like fiction and I was able to go through with finishing the book. It's like reading about pedophilia and how society no longer views it as abhorrent and look, here's an author sharing everything and hey, it's not so bad. I mean, like where do we draw the line? Sure, open marriages exist but it doesn't mean it needs to be shared in a book! What's the value? Is there some kind of redemption?
Review copy provided by the publisher.
February 13, 2024
I thought the writing was very good. However, it felt like the husband forced the idea of polyamory on his wife to justify his own affairs and desire for multiple partners. She spent most of the book in therapy, suffering from migraines and a broken heart. After reading this book I have absolutely no desire to experiment with this lifestyle. It seems to have caused far more pain than pleasure.
February 4, 2024
I really disliked this memoir, and I love memoirs. It feels like this got so much press because people are shocked by non-monogamy. I found the author to be insufferable. This wasn’t, in my opinion, a good representation of ethical non-monogamy. I found this memoir to be � annoying.
January 27, 2024
5 stars for openness, 2 stars for behavior. 3 overall as I enjoyed the writing and the train wreck of a story was fascinating.
This is less a book about being poly, and more about a woman working on figuring out why she behaves the way she does. I knew low self-esteem was the culprit by page 30, and it was a relief when the author got there on page 198.
The main story reads like a cautionary tale of what not to do when opening up a relationship: sleep with men cheating on their partners! Only date assholes you don’t really like! Tell your husband you’re okay with something when you’re actually dying inside! Have a 3some you have no actual interest in!
[Just because your husband gives you the thumbs up to do something doesn’t mean it’s an ethical choice.]
This is less a book about being poly, and more about a woman working on figuring out why she behaves the way she does. I knew low self-esteem was the culprit by page 30, and it was a relief when the author got there on page 198.
The main story reads like a cautionary tale of what not to do when opening up a relationship: sleep with men cheating on their partners! Only date assholes you don’t really like! Tell your husband you’re okay with something when you’re actually dying inside! Have a 3some you have no actual interest in!
[Just because your husband gives you the thumbs up to do something doesn’t mean it’s an ethical choice.]
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 17, 2024
What a truly wild time this book was!! Polyamory seems uh...exhausting! So many tears! So many therapy appointments!
But jokes aside, I love how this book centered self-discovery in such an unexpected way. I mean, you pick up a book about polyamory and there's a certain expectation that things are gonna get steamy and salacious real quick. Which, like, it did. Believe me. But it's more so about learning more about yourself on a deeper level, dating yourself to learn what your needs are, and healing from past traumas to blossom into the happiest version of yourself. And I don't know. I just have so much respect for openness and vulnerability like that, no matter what method it's achieved through, ya know? It's brave and it's healing work that a lot of people should really do. There are some really solid life lessons packed in here that can translate to *any* relationship, romantic or otherwise- especially understanding and becoming comfortable with the fact that you cannot possibly fulfill someone's every need alone. Everyone needs friends, family, etc. for different reasons and it's unreasonable and immature to expect otherwise.
There were also some really profound reflections on motherhood that I'm sure would really resonate more with mothers, but that still really kind of broke my heart. Especially this Rachel Cusk quote: “When she is with them she is not herself; when she is without them she is not herself; and so it is as difficult to leave your children as it is to stay with them."
All of that said, I do also have a few issues with the book that really leave me with mixed feelings about it as a whole. First off, the sex scenes are gratuitous in my opinion. I do think they're somewhat necessary to tell the story that's trying to be told, but I really didn't need to know the full scope of stuff! At all! It got to the point where I was wondering, who is this for? To prove to the world you're kinky? I promise you, we got it! I don't want to complain too much about that though, because I think that's a personal preference. I rarely, if ever, want to read smut.
A more important critique, though: With how often the author complains about her various relationships, I can't help but feel not totally convinced that she actually prefers this life. It seems like it makes her kinda miserable, tbh, and she continually talks about how sad and jealous she is while her husband's just like... fine? That sounds judgmental and unfair and probably is. But the author kept questioning whether polyamory was the right decision for her throughout the book, only to ultimately keep coming to the conclusion that she'd keep doing it because 1) it was "good for her," and 2) because her husband is "happier this way." Just kind of seems like a major red flag to me, especially when the entire book is about her unlearning her people pleasing tendencies.
I also agree with other reviews that class and money are a major blind spot in this book. At first, while I was reading about all of her dates and outings (which happen SEVERAL times a week on top of work, child care, taking care of elderly parents, therapy appointments, regular workout classes, outings with friends, AND apparently tending to a marriage, by the way), I just thought, DAMN. How do these people have the energy for this?? Maybe it's just me, but after working to survive, grocery shopping, doing household chores, and fulfilling social obligations, I'm literally spent. My partner and I barely have time to catch up with each other let alone several other people AND two kids!! There's just literally no way I could do all of that AND cater to the needs of other sexual partners, jfc. And then I read a review that mentioned how it's never *really* addressed how well-off this family is, and it all clicked.
So on the one hand, it's the author's truth, and there's nothing wrong with that. But on the other, I think readers should remember that this isn't a reality for uh, the vast majority of people out there. These people are rich, white, and highly privileged. That's how they can afford the physical, emotional, and financial space to hold this polyamory journey of self-discovery. So that's certainly worth mentioning.
ETA after reading a few more reviews: I also wholeheartedly agree that this book is problematic in its complacency of cheating. Even though YOUR partner may be aware and cool with it, it’s not “ethically non-monogamous� if you’re complacent in helping another person cheat on THEIR partner. (I know that the 2000s and 2010s were a different time, but like finding dates on Ashley Madison?? Girl please. PLEASE.) This is never addressed in the book so we can only come to the assumption that it doesn’t bother the author at all, which is honestly a shame. This isn’t the case for ALL of her relationships but it is the case for at least the major inciting one with Matt, and potentially others that aren’t included in the book.
As a whole, I really appreciated hearing from a perspective so vastly different from mine. It's so well-written from a narrative perspective that I was never uninterested, but also I didn't always *care,* if that makes any sense at all. Molly Roden Winter is a phenomenal storyteller, though, and I would love to read a novel or some more creative nonfiction from her in the future if some of these issues are addressed. :)
But jokes aside, I love how this book centered self-discovery in such an unexpected way. I mean, you pick up a book about polyamory and there's a certain expectation that things are gonna get steamy and salacious real quick. Which, like, it did. Believe me. But it's more so about learning more about yourself on a deeper level, dating yourself to learn what your needs are, and healing from past traumas to blossom into the happiest version of yourself. And I don't know. I just have so much respect for openness and vulnerability like that, no matter what method it's achieved through, ya know? It's brave and it's healing work that a lot of people should really do. There are some really solid life lessons packed in here that can translate to *any* relationship, romantic or otherwise- especially understanding and becoming comfortable with the fact that you cannot possibly fulfill someone's every need alone. Everyone needs friends, family, etc. for different reasons and it's unreasonable and immature to expect otherwise.
There were also some really profound reflections on motherhood that I'm sure would really resonate more with mothers, but that still really kind of broke my heart. Especially this Rachel Cusk quote: “When she is with them she is not herself; when she is without them she is not herself; and so it is as difficult to leave your children as it is to stay with them."
All of that said, I do also have a few issues with the book that really leave me with mixed feelings about it as a whole. First off, the sex scenes are gratuitous in my opinion. I do think they're somewhat necessary to tell the story that's trying to be told, but I really didn't need to know the full scope of stuff! At all! It got to the point where I was wondering, who is this for? To prove to the world you're kinky? I promise you, we got it! I don't want to complain too much about that though, because I think that's a personal preference. I rarely, if ever, want to read smut.
A more important critique, though: With how often the author complains about her various relationships, I can't help but feel not totally convinced that she actually prefers this life. It seems like it makes her kinda miserable, tbh, and she continually talks about how sad and jealous she is while her husband's just like... fine? That sounds judgmental and unfair and probably is. But the author kept questioning whether polyamory was the right decision for her throughout the book, only to ultimately keep coming to the conclusion that she'd keep doing it because 1) it was "good for her," and 2) because her husband is "happier this way." Just kind of seems like a major red flag to me, especially when the entire book is about her unlearning her people pleasing tendencies.
I also agree with other reviews that class and money are a major blind spot in this book. At first, while I was reading about all of her dates and outings (which happen SEVERAL times a week on top of work, child care, taking care of elderly parents, therapy appointments, regular workout classes, outings with friends, AND apparently tending to a marriage, by the way), I just thought, DAMN. How do these people have the energy for this?? Maybe it's just me, but after working to survive, grocery shopping, doing household chores, and fulfilling social obligations, I'm literally spent. My partner and I barely have time to catch up with each other let alone several other people AND two kids!! There's just literally no way I could do all of that AND cater to the needs of other sexual partners, jfc. And then I read a review that mentioned how it's never *really* addressed how well-off this family is, and it all clicked.
So on the one hand, it's the author's truth, and there's nothing wrong with that. But on the other, I think readers should remember that this isn't a reality for uh, the vast majority of people out there. These people are rich, white, and highly privileged. That's how they can afford the physical, emotional, and financial space to hold this polyamory journey of self-discovery. So that's certainly worth mentioning.
ETA after reading a few more reviews: I also wholeheartedly agree that this book is problematic in its complacency of cheating. Even though YOUR partner may be aware and cool with it, it’s not “ethically non-monogamous� if you’re complacent in helping another person cheat on THEIR partner. (I know that the 2000s and 2010s were a different time, but like finding dates on Ashley Madison?? Girl please. PLEASE.) This is never addressed in the book so we can only come to the assumption that it doesn’t bother the author at all, which is honestly a shame. This isn’t the case for ALL of her relationships but it is the case for at least the major inciting one with Matt, and potentially others that aren’t included in the book.
As a whole, I really appreciated hearing from a perspective so vastly different from mine. It's so well-written from a narrative perspective that I was never uninterested, but also I didn't always *care,* if that makes any sense at all. Molly Roden Winter is a phenomenal storyteller, though, and I would love to read a novel or some more creative nonfiction from her in the future if some of these issues are addressed. :)
February 20, 2024
wow.
For a disclaimer, let me just say that I am not at all personally interested in an open marriage or polyamory - I feel like I have to say that because a challenging part of reading this book was knowing that people would see I was reading this book. I am interested in open marriages in the same way I am interested is cults or polygamy - not for me, but I want to know the inner workings. One marriage is PLENTY for me, thankuverymuch.
With that said, I have never heard more detailed accounts of someone's sex life and I went to a women's college where I thought I'd heard it all.
I'm giving this a 3 because yeesh, it was a bit of a train wreck. I'd seen an article about the book in the NYTimes and thought it would be an empowering journey of self-discovery and awareness from a mom who had lost sight of herself. It was not that - it was sort of a cautionary tale of someone who is looking for love in all the wrong places. It struck me as sort of a sad journey to try to fill some void (no pun intended) by someone who really needs some help and has a lot of privilege. I also felt like rather than a story of a relationship that had transcended into the utmost trust, the author's husband comes across as extremely manipulative. The author seems lonely and their relationship (especially in childcare) was so lopsided, no wonder this lady was pushed to the brink. Had the author been married to a better husband and father, I doubt anyone would have been looking outside of the relationship.
If I had as much extra time and money as this person (gotta pay for hotels, dinners out, kinky shit, and then multiple therapists to talk about it all) I would spend that time napping and paying for hotels where I could nap...alone. The whole time, I was thinking about all of the other things she could spend time and money on. She also seems like she may have a drinking problem but, IDK, I'm not a doctor, it just feels like if you have to drink that much to enjoy any of this, you may not have wanted it in the first place.
The cast of male suitors is...so very sad. It was a cautionary tale that honestly made me so glad that I had landed just the one husband I have and will hopefully never, ever have to scrape the bottom of the barrel that this women scraped. In detailing her trysts, it's hard to see if she's even getting much enjoyment out of it, other than pleasing others (literally) and seeking validation.
I was glad that toward the end she got a hobby - I felt like she needed more to do and more girlfriends to hang with because whew, did this sound exhausting and quite frankly, gross. Join a book club or start doing jigsaw puzzles, maybe skydive if you really need a thrill, but DO NOT go on Ashley Madison, friends.
Okay, so what was redeeming enough for the 3? I mean, lordy was this salacious and steamy, so I did read it quickly and it was extremely entertaining, mostly because it is a lifestyle that I am truly ignorant of and the kind of astonishingly bad decision making and lack of self awareness that makes for a quick read. (Also, kind of personally a prude, so it was really pushing the envelope for me - I had to Google multiple things and now just remembered that I better go wipe my search history.)
Interesting and entertaining, but ultimately affirming of my completely boring, monogamous life. I've never appreciated my husband more than when I told him what I was reading and he sarcastically said "Oh, I bet THAT is going well for them". Indeed, if this book is "More" I am definitely satisfied with less.
For a disclaimer, let me just say that I am not at all personally interested in an open marriage or polyamory - I feel like I have to say that because a challenging part of reading this book was knowing that people would see I was reading this book. I am interested in open marriages in the same way I am interested is cults or polygamy - not for me, but I want to know the inner workings. One marriage is PLENTY for me, thankuverymuch.
With that said, I have never heard more detailed accounts of someone's sex life and I went to a women's college where I thought I'd heard it all.
I'm giving this a 3 because yeesh, it was a bit of a train wreck. I'd seen an article about the book in the NYTimes and thought it would be an empowering journey of self-discovery and awareness from a mom who had lost sight of herself. It was not that - it was sort of a cautionary tale of someone who is looking for love in all the wrong places. It struck me as sort of a sad journey to try to fill some void (no pun intended) by someone who really needs some help and has a lot of privilege. I also felt like rather than a story of a relationship that had transcended into the utmost trust, the author's husband comes across as extremely manipulative. The author seems lonely and their relationship (especially in childcare) was so lopsided, no wonder this lady was pushed to the brink. Had the author been married to a better husband and father, I doubt anyone would have been looking outside of the relationship.
If I had as much extra time and money as this person (gotta pay for hotels, dinners out, kinky shit, and then multiple therapists to talk about it all) I would spend that time napping and paying for hotels where I could nap...alone. The whole time, I was thinking about all of the other things she could spend time and money on. She also seems like she may have a drinking problem but, IDK, I'm not a doctor, it just feels like if you have to drink that much to enjoy any of this, you may not have wanted it in the first place.
The cast of male suitors is...so very sad. It was a cautionary tale that honestly made me so glad that I had landed just the one husband I have and will hopefully never, ever have to scrape the bottom of the barrel that this women scraped. In detailing her trysts, it's hard to see if she's even getting much enjoyment out of it, other than pleasing others (literally) and seeking validation.
I was glad that toward the end she got a hobby - I felt like she needed more to do and more girlfriends to hang with because whew, did this sound exhausting and quite frankly, gross. Join a book club or start doing jigsaw puzzles, maybe skydive if you really need a thrill, but DO NOT go on Ashley Madison, friends.
Okay, so what was redeeming enough for the 3? I mean, lordy was this salacious and steamy, so I did read it quickly and it was extremely entertaining, mostly because it is a lifestyle that I am truly ignorant of and the kind of astonishingly bad decision making and lack of self awareness that makes for a quick read. (Also, kind of personally a prude, so it was really pushing the envelope for me - I had to Google multiple things and now just remembered that I better go wipe my search history.)
Interesting and entertaining, but ultimately affirming of my completely boring, monogamous life. I've never appreciated my husband more than when I told him what I was reading and he sarcastically said "Oh, I bet THAT is going well for them". Indeed, if this book is "More" I am definitely satisfied with less.
February 17, 2024
I want to throw this book across the room. I honestly want to compose my thoughts a bit and review, but almost equally as much as I never want to think about it again. HARD VISCERAL PASS.
March 31, 2024
i enjoy watching reality tv because it’s fun to consume garbage. this book scratched the same itch in my brain because it’s a dumpster fire, and such an entertaining one that i could barely look away.
if you’re picking this up hoping for genuine clarity or advice regarding the dynamics of healthy open relationships, or even just healthy relationships in general, run in the opposite direction. this is practically an instructional guide on how to build resentment and erode trust with your partner. if you’re reading this because you’re mesmerized by fun garbage, strap in. this shit had me laughing so much.
a lot of people’s issue with this book is just the concept of non-monogamy in general, which i am far from opposed to. people have been engaging in non-monogamy in their relationships for as long as there have been people, and it is a fulfilling and consensual relationship dynamic for many. if you struggle to directly communicate, it can play out in distressing and dramatic ways, which is very well documented in this book.
straight people are not okay. her husband is a dickhead who doesn’t listen to boundaries, sexually and otherwise. he screams degrading words at her during sex that make her cry and continues to despite her asking him to stop. he steers them into an open relationship in the first place and manipulates her into keeping the marriage open at multiple points, despite her discomfort. he seems about a thousand times more into the open aspect of their marriage and seems to be using his wife as a pawn to fulfill his sexual fantasies, and this entire book is us watching winter convince herself that she wants what he wants. he sucks. he seems like such a creep and their dynamic made me feel bad for her even though she’s completely unbearable in her own way.
i found the author very irritating. she states her circumstances and recalls situations with vulnerability and ease, but struggles to analyze her life, relationships and behaviors beyond a matter of fact retelling of events. the only breakthrough we see her have is that she’s a people pleaser, and even that gets tired as we watch her repeat her people pleasing tendencies in each and every chapter, with no digging deeper on WHY this pattern is so engrained and difficult for her to break away from. she opts to solely seek out men cheating on their partners for much of the book and never describes WHY she specifically wanted to be the other woman, instead of seeking other non-monogamous men. she displays a genuinely baffling lack of introspection from cover to cover. it feels like she’s too close to the material and used to the dysfunction in herself and life to be objective about what the readers would want her to expand on more.
she’s passive aggressive, rarely means what she says and expects everyone in her life to read her mind. she gives her husband permission to do things she’s actually uncomfortable with multiple times and her internal dialogue is always “can’t he see it in my eyes that i’m only saying yes out of obligation� ??????? non-monogamy or not, expecting your partner to be a mind reader is a sure fire way to ensure you’ll have a miserable relationship. they both lack emotional maturity and the communication skills it takes to be open and it’s a train wreck.
also, WE GET IT, YOU FUCK. the book is obviously centered around her experiences outside of her marriage but not in a genuinely explorative way. it feels very much written for shock value and for her ego, which is what makes this fun garbage. she lacks self awareness and you can just tell she feels like the most interesting person on earth. just rich white lady things!
2 stars for fun garbage. .5 being well written and candid enough to be entertaining as hell. 2.5 overall.
if you’re picking this up hoping for genuine clarity or advice regarding the dynamics of healthy open relationships, or even just healthy relationships in general, run in the opposite direction. this is practically an instructional guide on how to build resentment and erode trust with your partner. if you’re reading this because you’re mesmerized by fun garbage, strap in. this shit had me laughing so much.
a lot of people’s issue with this book is just the concept of non-monogamy in general, which i am far from opposed to. people have been engaging in non-monogamy in their relationships for as long as there have been people, and it is a fulfilling and consensual relationship dynamic for many. if you struggle to directly communicate, it can play out in distressing and dramatic ways, which is very well documented in this book.
straight people are not okay. her husband is a dickhead who doesn’t listen to boundaries, sexually and otherwise. he screams degrading words at her during sex that make her cry and continues to despite her asking him to stop. he steers them into an open relationship in the first place and manipulates her into keeping the marriage open at multiple points, despite her discomfort. he seems about a thousand times more into the open aspect of their marriage and seems to be using his wife as a pawn to fulfill his sexual fantasies, and this entire book is us watching winter convince herself that she wants what he wants. he sucks. he seems like such a creep and their dynamic made me feel bad for her even though she’s completely unbearable in her own way.
i found the author very irritating. she states her circumstances and recalls situations with vulnerability and ease, but struggles to analyze her life, relationships and behaviors beyond a matter of fact retelling of events. the only breakthrough we see her have is that she’s a people pleaser, and even that gets tired as we watch her repeat her people pleasing tendencies in each and every chapter, with no digging deeper on WHY this pattern is so engrained and difficult for her to break away from. she opts to solely seek out men cheating on their partners for much of the book and never describes WHY she specifically wanted to be the other woman, instead of seeking other non-monogamous men. she displays a genuinely baffling lack of introspection from cover to cover. it feels like she’s too close to the material and used to the dysfunction in herself and life to be objective about what the readers would want her to expand on more.
she’s passive aggressive, rarely means what she says and expects everyone in her life to read her mind. she gives her husband permission to do things she’s actually uncomfortable with multiple times and her internal dialogue is always “can’t he see it in my eyes that i’m only saying yes out of obligation� ??????? non-monogamy or not, expecting your partner to be a mind reader is a sure fire way to ensure you’ll have a miserable relationship. they both lack emotional maturity and the communication skills it takes to be open and it’s a train wreck.
also, WE GET IT, YOU FUCK. the book is obviously centered around her experiences outside of her marriage but not in a genuinely explorative way. it feels very much written for shock value and for her ego, which is what makes this fun garbage. she lacks self awareness and you can just tell she feels like the most interesting person on earth. just rich white lady things!
2 stars for fun garbage. .5 being well written and candid enough to be entertaining as hell. 2.5 overall.
January 11, 2024
Let's start off by saing that Winter can write! For a topic that is generally shrouded in secrecy, Winter wrote in a compulsive way that had me turing the pages faster than I could process what I was reading! It was eye-opening, jaw-dropping honesty and vulnerability that is hard to find! I appreciate how much of herself she put out on the page, and I learned a lot about a lifestyle that is, admittedly, pretty uncomfortable for me.
I don't mean this to be judgmental when I say that this lifestyle would absolutely not work for me or my husband. We also don't live in a bigger, more open city like NYC...so after reading this, it is obvious that I live in very sheltered, vanilla community.
But, wow! I think that's also what made this such a fascinating read for me...it pushed my comfort zone, made me evaluate the thoughts and feelings I have around Winter's and her husband's decisions, and confirmed my feelings on what is comfortable and acceptable for my marriage.
While there is a fair amount of shocking sexual details, there is also a lot of therapy sessions and attempts at growth (I say attempts because by the end, it still felt like Winters was missing something - more on that in a second). I thought her therapist seemed incredible...I really loved how he communicated and supported her without inserting his thoughts or opinions at all.
Maybe this is an unfair critique, but after finishing the book and sitting with it for a few days, I felt frustrated with Winters overall arc throughout the ten years (more?) she wrote about. I kept thinking it was a shame her and her husband didn't put the same effort into the marriage that they put into pursuing dates and other partners. I couldn't help but feel (maybe unfairly) that they were (un)intentionally spinning their own wheels because they introduced outsiders inside their marriage when the problem very much felt like a problem with herself (Winter's lack of confidence and confusion seemed to be a motivating factor in her side of the open marriage). It seemed like she thought the men would fix the holes in her bucket when only she could. And when she'd break up with a man, she would be so distraught and have to deal with devastating feelings for awhile afterwards. It all just seemed self-destructive and counterproductive to her end goals.
It was obvious how much Winters and her husband loved each other. They somehow continued to put each other first over other partners, and even attempted couples therapy together. I don't know where they stand now - if their marriage is open or closed - but this will be a standout memoir for me this year. It's very well written, extremely thought-provoking (great book club fodder), and so outside my personal comfort zone that it stretched me to think outside my boundaraies.
I don't mean this to be judgmental when I say that this lifestyle would absolutely not work for me or my husband. We also don't live in a bigger, more open city like NYC...so after reading this, it is obvious that I live in very sheltered, vanilla community.
But, wow! I think that's also what made this such a fascinating read for me...it pushed my comfort zone, made me evaluate the thoughts and feelings I have around Winter's and her husband's decisions, and confirmed my feelings on what is comfortable and acceptable for my marriage.
While there is a fair amount of shocking sexual details, there is also a lot of therapy sessions and attempts at growth (I say attempts because by the end, it still felt like Winters was missing something - more on that in a second). I thought her therapist seemed incredible...I really loved how he communicated and supported her without inserting his thoughts or opinions at all.
Maybe this is an unfair critique, but after finishing the book and sitting with it for a few days, I felt frustrated with Winters overall arc throughout the ten years (more?) she wrote about. I kept thinking it was a shame her and her husband didn't put the same effort into the marriage that they put into pursuing dates and other partners. I couldn't help but feel (maybe unfairly) that they were (un)intentionally spinning their own wheels because they introduced outsiders inside their marriage when the problem very much felt like a problem with herself (Winter's lack of confidence and confusion seemed to be a motivating factor in her side of the open marriage). It seemed like she thought the men would fix the holes in her bucket when only she could. And when she'd break up with a man, she would be so distraught and have to deal with devastating feelings for awhile afterwards. It all just seemed self-destructive and counterproductive to her end goals.
It was obvious how much Winters and her husband loved each other. They somehow continued to put each other first over other partners, and even attempted couples therapy together. I don't know where they stand now - if their marriage is open or closed - but this will be a standout memoir for me this year. It's very well written, extremely thought-provoking (great book club fodder), and so outside my personal comfort zone that it stretched me to think outside my boundaraies.
January 28, 2024
I feel like I’m supposed to like this book because it’s a middle-aged woman bucking social convention and sharing her intimate secrets and vulnerabilities with the world, but I just found it kind of sad (and, with the level of financial privilege and free time, totally unrelatable). It never seemed like Molly was pursuing polyamory because she wanted to but because her husband did. It’s exhausting to read about her flailing through her series of bad “dating� relationships and constant anxieties/jealousies over her husband’s. It feels try-hard going for edgy and then tried to wrap the whole thing up at the end with a few platitudes packaged as personal growth. Honestly, Mitchell the therapist was the best part of the whole book.
February 5, 2024
Made it 75% of the way through this book. The writing is fine but this was exhausting. So much crying! Also seemed like she was going for shock value when describing the details of her encounters. I felt annoyed by the whole thing.
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