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122 pages, Hardcover
First published April 6, 2023
�Do you think that's an appropriate way to speak to me? / Do you want to break this family apart, is that what you want? / I can't believe you would choose to do this / Some people don't have the luxury of a nice mum to speak to like that / Wow, here we go again / Don't you dare walk away / Please don't do this again /
Have you any idea of the hurt you've caused? / Are you trying to trying to destroy our lives? / What's the point of all this? / I am literally begging you to treat me like a human being / Come back here / Not again, please not again�
�God is a bouncy bastard who wants his people together in the dance. Rolling. Technology and soul. Hallefuckinlujah he loves the drums. Rain them down on me.�
“[The camera pans across the lawn.]
‘An ordinary bunch of teenagers kicking a ball about or some of the most disturbed and violent young offenders in the country? Here at the unconventional Last Chance school, it’s reiterated time and time again: they can be both.��
He leaves the room dark. Shy’s room minus Shy. Eve 1965 carved in the beam. A wonky heart carved in the beam. 1891 carved in the beam. Shy 95, fresh and badly scraped in the beam, with a jagged S like a Z. Couldn’t even get that right.
I said to him, there’ll be rapists, violent offenders, not murderers I don’t think, but some very disturbed young men, and he stood up, came round the table and said, Mum, I’m a very disturbed young man, and I said, No poppet, you’re lost, that’s different, and he said, Mum, listen to me, I know you love me, but it’s not different. I’m not lost. I’m right where I got myself, and I said Oh, darling, no, and he said, Mum, shh. Whatever. A new school. My last chance. I’m going to take it.
His thoughts are lopping along in odd repetitive chunks, running at him, stumbling. Feels brave, feels pathetic, feels nothing. Panic. Calm. Mad clatter in the roof of the break like machine guns then swirling calm, home, school, years ago, yesterday, his mind all tight, then slackening, then something buzzing under like a tectonic plate, then marching, then pure noise, then snapping traps, then humming, bassline in his migraine, under the bathwater private time, then a dancey synth part in the clear sleepless noise of his insomnia, piano choon, one step forward two step backward, building a real thing, into the movement, which is like, oops, slippery on the leaves here, haha nearly went down.
Max Porter is one of my favourite writers in the world. Why? Because he's always asking the most important questions and then finding ways - through innovative structures and that inimitable voice - of answering those questions soulfully, with his full attention, in ways that make the world seem stranger and more dear (or more dear because stranger). He gives his readers, in other words, bursts of new vision.
I suppose I am at a point in my career where my preoccupation about how to get inside the minds of others and how to use multiple voices to create a living collaborative thing on the page for the reader needed to reach its peak and has sort of reached its peak with this book. I think I am moving onto something different next time with my novels.
"I just don’t buy that, really,� he says. What the novella does, he believes is “get you thinking longer than some novels of triple, quadruple the length do. If you’re wanting a bit more from those characters, or wanting more sense of what might happen, that’s good. I think that means it might be a book you think about a little bit after you’ve turned the last page.�
He’s sprayed, snorted, smoked, sworn, stolen, cut, punched, run, jumped, crashed an Escort, smashed up a shop, trashed a house, broken a nose, stabbed his stepfather’s finger, but it’s been a while since he’s crept. Stressful work.
They talk a lot. More than any of them ever have before. Sometimes with the teachers, unpacking what they have been through, what they’ve done, just chatting in lessons, or in little groups, sudden moments of honesty. Jamie told them about when he got his diagnosis aged thirteen and all his mates stopped talking to him. His best friend started calling him a retard. I won’t ever forgive that, said Jamie. Benny talked about his dad dying in prison. He almost cried and everyone was silent while he got his shit together because Benny is the toughest and nobody ever sees him cry. Paul talked about what he’d done and his time in borstal and how he’d lost his virginity when he was eleven and they didn’t feel easy making sex jokes around Paul after that, but Paul mostly stays in his room playing his SNES. They tell stories. Some bragging, some regret, some baffled grinning shrugs and ripples of easy laughter. They talk about how wrong school was for them. They try and figure each other out, because there’s fuck-all else to do. They each carry a private inner register of who is genuinely not OK, who is liable to go psycho, who is hard, who is a pussy, who is actually alright, and friendship seeps into the gaps of these false registers in unexpected ways, just as hatred does, just as terrible loneliness does.
Amanda taught them about the Norns, the mystical Nordic sisters, sitting knitting futures, and that night Shy was woken by the weight of them as they sat at the foot of his bed, three ancient biddies, oddly familiar hybrids of Mum, Nana, Amanda, Thatcher, Mrs Hooper his playschool teacher, Pat Butcher, Jenny, Madge Bishop, women he’d known or seen or imagined, collaged together, risen from the smudgy mess of his subconscious, staring back at him, smiling, clck, clck, one of them’s knitting, clck, clck, fate being looped and strung as he falls back asleep.
He smells of pond. Everything smells of pond. He feels like he could sniff his way into individual microbes, earthy worming growgreen liquid stink, newts and shoots, silty, fruity, and as he walks he gathers in the smell of dry leaves, crinkly things, brown oily smells, good rot, herby hydro deep woodlousey sticky mushroomy smells, things turning, things that go on smelling this way whether or not a wet teenager is here to smell them. He is all sense. He isn’t having any thoughts, he’s all smell and shadows and ruined trainers, a frighteningly awake sleep creature sloshing along.
He could learn to speak this language: night-end. He could train his indoor pupils to permanently widen, to drink it in.
Strange dizzy wake-up. Untangling.
He breathes deeply and it’s clean digestible air. He feels it hitting his insides.
He asks himself the question Jenny always starts with:
What’s happening with Shy this week?
Well, I went down to the pond. There were these badgers and…umm, I’m heading back now. Back up to the house.
And how are you feeling about that? About the night?
Umm.
Take your time.
I feel kind of lonely. Bit embarrassed and sad, if I’m honest, Jenny. A bit scared.
Oh Shy, he says, in Jenny’s gentle voice. Bad luck.