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“I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.”
― Bill Watterson, The Essential Calvin and Hobbes: A Calvin and Hobbes Treasury

“Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto”
― Scott Adams

“I'm a 21st-century kid trapped in a 19th-century family.”
― Bill Watterson, There's Treasure Everywhere

“Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn't the faintest idea what the heck is really going on.”
― Mike Royko

“I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is first ignited by the disposable butane lighter of physical attraction, but sooner or later the heat of familiarity causes the wax of boredom to drip all over the vanilla frosting of novelty and the shredded coconut of romance.' I could not have phrased it better myself.”
― Dave Barry

“When things are at their blackest, I say to myself, 'Cheer up, things could be worse.' And sure enough, they get worse.”
― Robert Asprin, editor

“The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.”
― George F. Will

“Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.”
― Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson

“From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!”
― Dr. Seuss, One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

“You must feed them, Anne, else they eat their toys.”
― Susan Kaye, None But You

“I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.”
― Rita Rudner

“Basically, I have two speeds.... Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice.”
― James Patterson, Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports

“In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.”
― Napoleon Bonaparte

“You're going to burn in a very special level of hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.”
― Joss Whedon

“In this dirty minded world, you are either someone's wife or someone's whore. And if you're not either people think there is something wrong with you....but there is nothing wrong with me”
― John Irving, The World According to Garp

“I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter."

(Letter 16, 1657)”
― Blaise Pascal, The Provincial Letters

“Any fool can criticize, complain, and condemn—and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.”
― Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends & Influence People

“Was it a millionaire who said, "Imagine no possessions"?”
― Elvis Costello

“Death should take me while I am in the mood.”
― Nathaniel Hawthorne, The Blithedale Romance

“I'm as pure as the driven slush.”
― Tallulah Bankhead

“If he's getting married, he's not longer interesting.”
― Colette, Gigi and The Cat

“Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.”
― George Carlin

“It don't do you no nevermind to tell nobody nothing.”
― Thomas McGuane

“I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.”
― G.K. Chesterton

“The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“I don't like it when I outweigh my men.”
― Patricia Briggs, Moon Called

“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.”
― Robert Bloch

“Dead. Never been that before. Not even once.”
― Jasper Fforde, First Among Sequels

“Any idiot can put up a website.”
― Patricia Briggs, Blood Bound

“It's a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can't eat for eight hours; he can't drink for eight hours; he can't make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work. ”
― William Faulkner