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“She was widely read enough to appreciate my literary wit but not so widely read that she knew my sources. I like that in a woman.”
― David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas

“We both smile at the classic misunderstanding. It’s all so cliché-ridden, it’s embarrassing. I wish our story could have some more original twists and turns. Maybe one of us will turn into a vampire or something.”
― Stacy Kramer, From What I Remember...

“I can't believe you just did that! Are you crazy?"
I gripped the steering wheel tighter. "Why do people keep asking me that?"
He turned to stare at me, his eyes worried. "Who else keeps asking you that? Are any of them doctors?”
― Janette Rallison, Just One Wish

“Wealth can be created. Wit and intelligence can't.”
― Nicole Williams, Crash

“Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.”
― Demetri Martin

“True wit is nature to advantage dressed;
What oft was thought, but ne'er so well expressed.”
― Alexander Pope

“Good madonna, give me leave to
prove you a fool.”
― William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night

“Well, well," said he, "do not make yourself unhappy. If you are a good girl for the next ten years, I will take you to a review at the end of them.”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“Look, this is helping me out quite a bit, but could you just get to the punishment part? We're at the end of World War Two in history, and I can't wait to find out who wins.”
― Rob Thomas, Rats Saw God

“Graham's life is as tense as an overstretched simile.”
― Zane Stumpo, Schrodingers Caterpillar

“Hello, I am Oscar Wilde”
― Oscar Wilde

“Wit, after all, is the unfailing symptom of intelligence.”
― Christopher Hitchens

“You can tell a really wonderful quote by the fact that it's attributed to a whole raft of wits.”
― Anna Quindlen, Imagined London: A Tour of the World's Greatest Fictional City

“When I need some striking inspiration about deep depression for my new painting, I just need to go to check my bank account...”
― Hiroko Sakai

“conservative n.
A person who possesses an underdeveloped taste for tyranny.

liberal n.
A person who believes in liberty, but only for the state.”
― Leslie Starr O'Hara, The Doublespeak Dictionary: Your Guide to the Euphemisms, Dysphemisms, and Other Linguistic Contrivances of the State

“You judge very properly, and it is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are the result of previous study?”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“You will find her manners beyond anything I can describe; and your wit and vivacity, I think, must be acceptable to her, especially when tempered with the silence and respect which her rank will inevitably excite.”
― Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

“I was going to write a sharp witty email full of devastating one-liners but I suspect you want something nicer than that”
― Lucy Robinson, The Greatest Love Story of All Time

“I'm eating a massive pastrami sandwich. It's so beautiful I might cry. Just so you know.”
― Lucy Robinson, The Greatest Love Story of All Time

“preemptive strike n.
A blow or punch delivered by military aircraft to a target who is suspected of being adverse to one's plot for world domination.”
― Leslie Starr O'Hara, The Doublespeak Dictionary: Your Guide to the Euphemisms, Dysphemisms, and Other Linguistic Contrivances of the State

“terrorism n.
Violence for political purposes or the politically motivated threat of violence which, either intentionally or unintentionally, challenges the state's monopoly on political violence.”
― Leslie Starr O'Hara, The Doublespeak Dictionary: Your Guide to the Euphemisms, Dysphemisms, and Other Linguistic Contrivances of the State

“You want me to invite him to dinner.â€�
“I want you to invite him to dinner,� she agreed.
“You know,� he said, “most gay men don’t have mothers who are this enthusiastic about their love lives.�
“That’s probably true,â€� she said. “You’re one of the lucky ones.”
― Matthew Haldeman-Time, Off the Record

“The problem is you make the tricks look good. You are a brilliant acrobat, and a witty comedian. You are skillful. People want a fool to be foolish--trip on banana peels and grin and spout nonsense. These men want fools to make them feel better about themselves, not to remind them what they lack.”
― Kelli Swofford Nielsen, Journey to the Fringe

“I would have grown up to be a gentleman adventurer if I were more of a gentleman.”
― Alex Potvin

“ONLY' having the Gift, people appreciate this madness as Art. Everybody wants to have Art in their lives, but no body wants to have what the Art came out from in their lives...”
― Hiroko Sakai

“Well then that's our date confirmed. I am excited! Most girls want to know if I have long term plans to start a family; you want to know if I like 80s rap. I think I'm in love with you. 
Actually, I'm not you have a foul mouth and terrible taste in men by all accounts.”
― Lucy Robinson, The Greatest Love Story of All Time

“I am back in London in a couple of days and looking forward to Sunday. Here is what we are doing. 1. Going to see my favourite mad transgender folk singer at the Roundhouse. 2. Then I am going to feed you tapas in a little place by Mornington Crescent. 3. Then we will go home in opposite directions and I will stare at my silent phone for weeks, wondering what happened. Or we will go for a dirty hump on Primrose Hill. Or maybe we will just have an awkward kiss/hug loaded with the promise of more next time.  ”
― Lucy Robinson, The Greatest Love Story of All Time

“How do you feel about going on a date with me? I'm abroad for another two weeks; you've got plenty of time to prepare yourself. It will be the best night of your life, of course.”
― Lucy Robinson, The Greatest Love Story of All Time

“Jordan, there isn't a straight woman or gay man alive who wouldn't drop everything to have dinner with you. I've been in this business for all of my life, and I know the difference between people who pretend to like you to get ahead, and people who are actually interested in getting to know you. Patrick wants to get to know you. Preferably naked, but that’s up to you.â€�
“I can’t wait until you’re old enough to be senile and start saying these things in public.�
“I’m very lucky to have such a loving son.”
― Matthew Haldeman-Time, Off the Record

“Wit defies death
but death defines wit”
― David Giannini