Brown Dog, or B.D., is a simple man of simple needs and simple pleasures. These are in no particular order, sex, alcohol, cooking, sex, nature, sex, mBrown Dog, or B.D., is a simple man of simple needs and simple pleasures. These are in no particular order, sex, alcohol, cooking, sex, nature, sex, menial work, alcohol, fishing, sex, alcohol....etc.
The 'Dog' part of B.D.'s name is supposedly because it's his spirit animal being a dog, but I think he lives up to it in other ways.
This book is a series of novellas about B.D., part white and part Chippewa, who lives in the U.P. of Michigan(I hear it's lovely.) He is a man who has mastered the art of living one day at a time on as little money as possible. Subsistence living (I'll pass).
He survives by living in shacks in the woods and doing odd jobs, like shoveling snow (The U.P. has a lot of that I reckon) hunting and fishing and growing some veggies. He was orphaned when young, raised by his white grandfather and later lives with his Chippewa uncle to take care of him in his old age.
Sounds a bit dull doesn't it?
Well B.D. finds ways to entertain himself. He takes long walks in the woods. I mean long, ten miles at the least everyday. Drinking heavily and having sex with as many women that will have him.....any women will do. Skinny, fat, mean, nice, lesbian, literally any women. He is attracted to all of them. His hard on never fails at the sight or touch of a women. Never.
It's kind of impressive.
At one point he was in the process of passing a kidney stone the size of a small marble, for fuck sake, and when nurse merely brushes his hand and he gets a full on erection from that. All the while he's in severe pain.
I don't have boy parts, but I find this a bit far fetched.
But get this. The next morning after he passes this huge stone he does bump uglies with a fellow sex addict. Of course, as you do. Um...apparently at...ahem..that special moment, it hurts like crazy just after you pass a kidney stone.
Huh...who could have seen that coming? No pun intended.
I did enjoy these novellas. Brown Dog is a ridiculous man, with a good heart. Worth a read.
I was sitting on the patio of a bar in Key West Florida. It was August, it was hot. The bar was on the beach where there was lots of sand and water. II was sitting on the patio of a bar in Key West Florida. It was August, it was hot. The bar was on the beach where there was lots of sand and water. In the water I saw dolphins and waves. The dolphins jumped and the waves waved.
My glass was empty. The waiter walked up to my table. “More absinthe miss?� He asked. “No, I better not. *burp*� I put my hand over my glass “I read somewhere that it can cause hallucinations and nightmares. Just some ice water please.� I said. He put an empty glass in front of me, tipped his picture of water over my glass until it was full, at that time he stopped pouring.
A man I did not know walked up to my table and said to the waiter “No one in Key West is to stop drinking alcohol while they are conscious, you know the rules Manuel! Don’t make me repeat myself; did you hear me? Don’t make me repeat myself, it’s annoying.� Manuel rolled his eyes.
“I’ll drink to that.� I said and held up my glass of ice water to the stranger, then put it to my lips and drank. It was cold. I set it back down on the table. “I just finished a book where everyone repeated themselves……drove me to drink!�
“Sorry Mr. Hemingway� said Manuel “she said she wanted ice water, so that’s what I gave her�. A cat ran by, it was fast. “Meow� it said. It was orange. “But you know the rules Manuel, you know the rules.� Repeated Mr. Hemingway “I know the rules Mr. Hemingway, how could I not? You tend to repeat yourself constantly, it must be all the absinthe�..� muttered Manuel.
“What did you say Manuel?� Asked Mr. Hemingway “Nothing� said Manuel. “Bring the lady some Champagne right away!� said Mr. Hemingway. Manuel walked away towards the kitchen.
“Who are you?� I asked the man I did not know. “Hemingway, you wouldn't happen to be related to the writer would you? His book The Sun Also Rises was the book I was just referring to; I don’t remember ever being quite so bored. On the bright side, I think it did wonders for my blood pressure.� I said.
Dressed in worn khaki shorts and a Hawaiian shirt with one too many colors, he stood there at my table and squinted at me, sweat rolling down the sides of his red face and into his gray beard. It was hot. He set his drink down on the table, hard, and pulled out a chair and sat down. “May I sit?� he asked as he put his dirty bare feet up on the table and tipped the chair back. “Sure, you’re already in the chair. Besides I don’t think it will be long before you fall on your ass.� I said, I drank some water, it was cold. “Language! I’m Ernest Hemingway the guy who wrote that boring book� he put his feet on the ground and the chair dropped down with a bang. He put his right hand out to shake mine. I stared at it for a while then took it.
“Stephanie. Hey, I don’t want to come across as insensitive but aren't you dead?� I asked “Really? I don’t feel dead�.at least I don’t think I am.� Said the not dead Ernest “Damn! Absinthe lives up to it's reputation." I said and smacked the left side of my head with my left hand. My head was hard.
“Manuel!! Where’s that champagne?" I shouted in a panic. “So� Ernest picked up his drink and drank the whole thing in one gulp. “I am one of the greatest American writers, if not the greatest, everybody says so. And you�..� he paused and pointed his finger at me using the same hand that still held the glass, the melting ice clinked “you didn't like the Sun Also Rises?� he asked and set his glass down.
“I know, I heard the same thing, that you were one of the greatest American writers, so imagine my surprise when I didn't love it like the rest of the human race. In fact, I really didn't like it AT ALL! Please don’t hurt me.�
Manuel walked back to the table caring the bottle of Champagne and two glasses. He sat the glasses in front of us and went about the task of opening the bottle. “Thank god your back Manuel, I think I’m hallucinating. I hope champagne helps things normalize.� I said, the bottle said “pop.� “It won’t help because you are not hallucinating.� He said and poured the Champagne, he turned and walked off. I picked up the glass and drank. It was bubbly and cold.
“What else didn't you like about my book?� Asked Ernest “I’m really not comfortable telling you to your face, but, alright� I said “I found all the characters to be aimless, unlikable, drunkards that didn't have any idea what to with their lives but travel about the world constantly drunk�.which doesn't sound all that bad on the surface, but it was not interesting.� I said “They were excruciatingly boring that I couldn't care enough about them to remember who was who.� I said “It felt like it would never end, but when it did end the only thing that I liked about it was the fact that it was finally over. No big payoff to make the boring book worth my time.� I sighed and finished off my Champagne, I poured myself and Ernest another glass.
“Wow. Sorry you hated it. I suppose you can’t please everyone.� He said. “I’ll buy you dinner to repay you for putting you through that.�
“That’s not necessary, but I could eat. I must bathe first.� I said. “Well sure, it is hot after all.� He said “Yes, I must bathe you understand? One cannot dine without bathing first, as you know, so you will have to wait until I bathe.�
“I must bathe. I must bathe. I. must. Bathe.� I said.
“Now you’re just making fun of me.� he said.
“Yup……I will make you suffer the way you made me suffer.� I smiled.
“Great. I’m looking forward to it.� Said not dead Ernest. We swayed to our feet, Ernest took my arm, we steadied ourselves and stumbled off into the sunset.
"AAAAHHHHHH!! What the?.....who the?....where the?" "When the?"
"Stephanie wake up! It's Claire Fraser. What are you doing here? And*Poke* *Poke* *Poke*
"AAAAHHHHHH!! What the?.....who the?....where the?" "When the?"
"Stephanie wake up! It's Claire Fraser. What are you doing here? And should you be driving that contraption? You smell like a brewery!!"
"Oh Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ!....whaa....I'm not *hicup* a-saxtly sure how I ended up here. Oh look..hee...hee... I'm sitting on the time mower.....Kemper ish going to be sooo pissed at me, but what else is new?....haaaaaaaa!" *slowly sides off time mower in heap*
“Claire, what happened to her?�
“Jamie....do you remember Stephanie? She’s another time traveler like me, but she’s from somewhere in the 2010’s.�
The corner of Jamie’s mouth twitched in a wry smile, “Aye, I do. I’d say that lassie is drunk!� he rubbed his knuckle on his long straight nose.
Holding my hand up “That’s because I am....very, very drunk. Ya see, I read another book *hic* in the series that has been written about your lives, A Breath of Snow and Ashes. Don’t ask me how this is poshsible, I don’t know, but it’s most likely something to do with you messing about with time. Anyhow, just for funnzies I decided to make a drinking game out of the book, whenever you said “Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ� I took a shot of whiskey since you all drink the stuff like water and I thought whatzz good fer the goose is good for the gander.......Haaaaaa.......weeee!
“Why would you do that? Not a wise move if you asked me, I say that ALL the time.� Said Claire. “I KNOW! That was the point......Well, I didn’t ask you Claire because I don’t think you make the wisest choice with the whiskey yourself! By the way, who the hell do you think you are judging me about my alcohol consumption? Around here it’s the answer for everything. Pregnant? Drink some whiskey. Just vomited from being sedated with homemade ether? Drink some whiskey. Been gang raped? Drink some whiskey....okay that one makes sense. Whatever is going on the answer is “drink more whiskey!!� One has to admire that. It’s a damn good thing that I didn’t pick the words ‘wry, knuckle, or rubbed� or I would be in an alcoholic coma or worse, dead.�
Jamie looked at me and narrowed his cat eyes “If our lives and the words the lady who writes these books uses bothers ya so much, why do ya keep reading them?� The corner of his mouth twitched in a wry smile and he rubbed his long straight nose with his knuckle......again.
“That’s an excellent question Jamie and I don’t have a good answer for you other then that I can’t quit you.....either of you.� *sigh*
“Awe Stephanie, that’s so sweet I could cry. I think we need to drink to that!� said Claire. “Suuure�..what’s a little more whiskey gonna hurt at this point?� Said I. Jamie pours us all a dram of whiskey, says something in Gallic, and we all drink it down in one swallow. He then rubs his long straight nose with his knuckle and smiles wryly.
“One thing I can say in the positive about the authors�, Diana Gabaldon, word choices is that she never ever uses the words ‘throbbing� and ‘member� together, and with all the sex scenes in all of these books that’s saying something.�
*Blushes* “She writes about�..mm hmm? What happens at night between me....and my wife?� asks Jamie. “Oh sure…between the two of you, and between Roger and Brianna, between any two people who may cross paths, I’m pretty sure that’s why so many people read the books.� I said.
“She’s also obsessed with describing hair. Seriously how many times must we hear about hair? I know everything there is to know about everybody’s hair in the history of ever. Yours Jamie is always a fire and Claire, you constantly have escaping curls.� I said “but I guess that’s better than the last book, The Fiery Cross, where Diana was obsessed with describing every detail about every dirty diaper, or clout as you call them, that adorable little angelic Gem produced. Forget about the obsession with lactating breasts�..and sex with, around, and about lactating breasts�..and the sticky aftermath. I couldn’t even come back and talk to you about it, any review I tried to write just came out dirty, and not always in a good way.�
“That sounds disgusting.� Said Claire. “At times it was� I said.
“Well, I better get this thing back to its owner before he misses it. I’m not scared of the guy, he likes to pretend he’s evil and all by wearing fake felt mustaches�.but he doesn’t fool me.� I said, and then set the time mower for home instead of Kansas; if Kemper wants his time mower back he’ll just have to come to Ohio and get it.
“Haahaa ha�..Mwa ha ha……MWAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAA!!!�
I did enjoy this book more than the previous one. It's a 3.5. There was a new time traveler from her time that enter the story and I was disappointed with how the author handled this character. There was a potential there for something really interesting and she decided to make the character boring instead. But overall it was entertaining....more
Just finished the third tale of Jamie and Claire in Voyager, I must admit it was my favorite so far.
……………Spoilers………………………………�..can’t write these andJust finished the third tale of Jamie and Claire in Voyager, I must admit it was my favorite so far.
……………Spoilers………………………………�..can’t write these and not have them……………………�
Awe damn, not again. “Hello Claire, nice to see you yet again.�
“Stephanie? How did you end up here? I don’t see that strange vehicle you usually use to time travel.�
“I had to return the time mower. The owner was not amused by my ‘borrowing� it. He mumbled something about a restraining order, hooligans and red heads; I must have mentioned Jamie and his kilt. Anyway, pretty sure the corn liquor has finally done some permanent damage. I have no idea how I ended up here, where ever and when ever here is. Fill me in Claire?�
“Well, we’re in Scotland in 1700’s, I came back to find the love of my life and baby daddy to my daughter Brianna. I found out through records that he survived a super bad battle I was sure he was killed in. We determined that time runs parallel by 200 years, give or take, so we both aged at the same rate which was handy.�
“How did you get back? Did you use the stones again Claire? I went to check them out right before I landed here. How do they work?�
“As far as I can figure, you have to focus on a certain person, place and time period, walk through the stones and WOOSH, with a little blacking out and vomiting you are when you want to be. You can even break the 200 year rule by doing that.�
“Are you sure the blacking out and vomiting aren’t from your excessive drinking you mentioned during our last visit? (Glug, glug, glug.) So, I must have gone through the stones when I was reading the third book about you and Jamie. I was focused on you, walked through the stones and here I am, feeling fine.�
“Wait, there’s a book out there about us? Weird.�
“I know, right? It was at the part where you were back in 1950ishes and you had your other husband help ‘relieve� you of an overly heavy-with-milk breast in a way I found uncomfortable. You really didn’t do that………did you?�
“Yes I did Stephanie, it was so hot!�
“Claire! My god women that was for the baby!!�
“Oh Brianna had plenty.�
“Ewwww. Moving on, so what are you two up to this go around? I lost my book when I came across time.�
“Would you prefer the long version or the short? I’ve got all the time in the world.�
“Ha ha, very funny Claire, nice little time traveler joke, just the condensed version please.�
“Okay then. I go back and find Jamie. Lots of sex. I bring penicillin and photos with me. We live in a brothel for a while. Lots of sex. Jamie has a pet Chinese man who has a thing for women’s feet and creeps everyone out. Jamie is both a printer and a smuggler and his print shop is burned down. Lots of sex. Jamie’s nephew is kid napped and we get on a ship and go to the East Indies to look for him. Lots of sex. We run into people Jamie has met before, which is odd since we are way the fuck in the East Indies. Lots of sex. There are escaped slaves everywhere who practice voodoo. Lots of sex? They turn people into zombies whilst wearing crocodile heads on their heads…………�
“STOP! Just stop it Claire, I really can’t absorb this. Bringing photos and penicillin back to the 1700s? I’m sure that’s going to be fine (insert sarcasm here.) And the rest of it? Damn women you have a strange existence, time for me to leave.� “Crap Claire! Please, for love of god and all that is holy help me get out of here.�
“Sure thing Stephanie�..first drink this bottle of brandy�..�
*This review will be a little spoily, read it at your own risk*
“Ok, so I set the date on 2012�.and set it for Kansas City Kansas�..Kemper’s deck. I th*This review will be a little spoily, read it at your own risk*
“Ok, so I set the date on 2012�.and set it for Kansas City Kansas�..Kemper’s deck. I think all I have to do is reverse the directions on Google maps on the laptop. Uh�..turn the key. Yay, it works.�
“Or I thought so, Toto I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore (had to do it!).�
“Hello Stephanie. Toto……I love the Wizard of Oz.�
“Aaaaack! Claire Beachum Randel Fraser! You just scared the piss out of me. Don’t sneak up on a person sitting on a time mower, and whisper in their ear. It’s downright creepy.� Sighs. “Hey Claire, you look a little older than the last time I saw you,moments ago , but don’t worry you still look young and fresh and beautiful.�
“Oh thank you Stephanie, I have to admit that people mention that a lot! I mean a lot! It must have been all that whiskey and malnutrition in the 1700’s that preserved me.�
“Well, Claire, could you fill me in on the when and the where this is?�
“Still in Scotland, but we’re in 1968. Frank, Brianna and I moved to the States where I became a doctor. We stayed there until Frank passed away. I brought Brianna back to get her acquainted with her roots.�
“Brianna is your daughter? Is that her over there? Wow! Tall, beautiful�..look at that mane of red hair. She looks just like her father Jam�.mph…nni. �
“Keep your voice down, she doesn’t know that Frank wasn’t her biological father. I brought her here to break the news and tell her who her father really was……Jamie Frasier.�
“Get your hand off my mouth…that’s rude! Did Frank look just like Jamie?�
“No. Total opposites. Frank was short and had dark hair.�
“She doesn’t look much like you, and nothing like Frank, she is an Amazonian redhead. She didn’t once ask you about that?�
“Not once. Did I mention the whiskey and the malnutrition?�
“Claire, don’t tell me. You drank alcohol during your pregnancy? You were a trained nurse then; don’t tell me you didn’t know better!�
“Just a little�..bottle…�.every day, Stephanie, we didn’t know any better back then.�
“Ok, never mind. If she never grasped the fact that Frank wasn’t her father on her own because of possible fetal alcohol syndrome, how is she supposed to understand time travel now?�
“You have a point there. Maybe I’ll find a young handsome historian to help explain things to her.�
“I don’t see the logic, but you go with it Claire. I’m afraid to ask, but what were you and Jamie up to during the rest of the time you were back in time, besides getting drunk and having lots of sex?�
“We tried to change history by joining the Jacobite cause and save a bunch of lives. We went to France to get this accomplished. I had to have sex with the King of France to get Jamie out of The Bastille; it wasn’t very good on account of his tiny penis. �
“Oh dear god�..I did ask. �
“Yes you did. And guess who we ran into? Jack Randel! Jamie wanted to kill him straight away, but I stopped him because I was afraid Frank would never be born if he killed him. Jack is Frank’s ancestor you see.�
“I see……but I thought you killed Jack Randle with cows, which didn’t seem to upset you at all at the time. Now you get all angry about it? �
“I changed my mind. Turns out it wasn’t Jack trampled by the cows. It’s really hard to identify someone after a trampling.�
“But Claire, you tried to change the course of history without ANY concern for the consequences. Any number of people could have been born that wouldn’t have and others who were never born that should have…�.and you are concerned NOW about Frank, one person, never existing? Oh my head hurts again.�
“Claire it’s been great, but I have to get this timemower back to its rightful owner, he has a short fuse. There we go……forgot to hit enter. Please, don’t mess with history anymore Claire. Promise?�
"Oh Hello. Who are you, where did you come from and what on earth are you sitting on?"
"Hi there. Um, I'm Stephanie, I came from The United States, 201"Oh Hello. Who are you, where did you come from and what on earth are you sitting on?"
"Hi there. Um, I'm Stephanie, I came from The United States, 2011, and I'm sitting on a time mower. I "borrowed" it from my friend Kemper, he was pretty tanked on the corn liquor and semi buried in taco wrappers...I don't think he'll notice. Who are you and when are we?"
"Claire, I came from 1945, Brittan. But from what I can tell we are in mid evil Scotland. It took me more than a minute to figure that out, days in fact. I thought these guys were just part of a big elaborate play, but it just kept going on and on, so after a few days I figured I was back in time. What's a time mower?"
"A few days? You mean the smell of those guys didn't tip you off? I know hot men in skirts can be distracting but...................anyway, Kemper had a bit of accident that involved lightning, a riding mower and a laptop. He could explain it better if he were here, but he's passed out and this baby is a one seater."
"Laptop?"
"Never mind Claire. I want to know how you ended up in mid evil Scotland?"
"Frank, my British husband and I decided to watch some witches perform a ritual at those standing stones over there and I found it so fascinating that I went back later that night. When I walked through the stones.....WOOSH! Here I was."
"Oh, you mean the Stonehenge looking thingy back there? and, wait...your "British" husband? That's an odd way to refer to him."
"That's because I have a Scottish husband as well, Jamie. He's right over there, he's the ruggedly handsome one with the red hair and the kilt."
"They all have red hair and a kilt Claire. Forget that, you can't have two husbands! It's wrong and against the law."
"Well I'm not so sure Stephanie, if Frank hasn't been born yet, how can I be married to him? I haven't even been born yet....so....that means....my head hurts. Besides, I was forced to marry him to keep Franks evil ancestor from raping me. Then they made us have lots, and I mean lots, of rough, curl your toes, barn burning, sexy-time. But since the clan leader said we had to do it, it must be morally ok. Right?"
"Hey, I am not here to judge you.....so it sounds like you...eehem...enjoyed yourself?"
"Oh lord yes! It's all we ever do now. Sex, sex, sex whenever and where ever. In fact two soldiers from Franks evil ancestors army, he's a fancy commander of some sort, walked up on us having sex by a river when we were supposed to be getting water. It was so damn good.... we had no idea, it would have been funny....but after a bunch of crazy stuff happened Jamie ended up in that jerks dungeon where he was beaten senseless and raped. But then I rescued him with cows."
"Cows? What?"
I think I better go soon, my head's starting to hurt now. I'm not sure I want to know anything else but I have to ask, aren't you worried you might get pregnant with all the sexy-time? You could give birth to your own great, great, great, great gandpa.....eww."
"Oh Frank and I tried for years, I can't get pregnant."
"Oh boy. OK. I need to get this time mower back......try not to "screw" up the space time continuum to much Claire."
............
Despite the flaws and silliness I really enjoyed the book, and will read more of the series. But I swear if you took all the sex out of this book you would be left with 150 pages. ...more
Stephanie *Eff your feelings*
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