this book!!!! i cannot emphasize how much fucking heart it has. it’s so delicious and soft and lovely and washes over you like fine wine. these boys wthis book!!!! i cannot emphasize how much fucking heart it has. it’s so delicious and soft and lovely and washes over you like fine wine. these boys who’re afraid to hope—afraid to reach out in the fear that they’ll be rejected the moment they show vulnerability—took my breath away.
he has never been much good at wanting things, gene. it’s a foreign feeling to him. hope? hope is comfortable, well-worn. his favorite, most familiar feeling. but hope isn’t selfish; hope is so easy to turn in someone else’s direction.
i haven’t taken this many notes down for a single book in so long. it feels good to be back!!! the baseball aspect of this was kind of boring at first, because i don’t understand it, but somehow the author made me get super invested and i could feel the love he has for the game. it’s the little things that shone out for me though—like the scene when everyone in the stands was cheering for gene when their team won, with him wearing the blue-and-white-and-pink cleats. the way luis was the one that gave gene the confidence he needed to pursue his dreams. the way luis blushed at the littlest things gene did. the nicknames. the way gene was so determined to keep his distance by calling luis luis at first, but old habits die hard and he slipped back into the habit of calling him “nada�. the way luis was so shocked whenever that happened; the way he beamed adorably whenever gene did that. the way gene wanted to kiss the inside of luis� ankles. the way gene was so soft for the way luis made these little sounds while sleeping. we even got a “where’s the trophy / he just comes runnin� over to me� scene. *clenches fist*
for him, luis was part of that joy, but never all of it. he had his baseball joy, and his luis joy, and that absurd euphoria where they overlapped.
i adored the ending for both gene & luis—the fact that both of them got to hold the wisps of a dream in their hands, fragile as it was, made me tear up a lil, not gonna lie.
special mention to vince, to luis� family and the way they just accepted his silent coming out just like that, to gene’s family and how loud and bright and real they were. i see you. i love you guys.
they’re about the dreams we have and abandon and find our way back to; they’re about who we are when we walk off the field and have to keep living. and they are, of course, about who wins, who loses, and who gets left behind.
[the author about the prospects.]
i wholeheartedly believe that i’m horrible at talking about books i love in a coherent way. i have so much to say but i can’t say anything more for fear of word-vomiting, so if you want to take anything away from this review, this is the cliffnotes version: this book is just so beloved to me and everyone should read it!!...more
fellas is it gay if you wanna wake up with your buddy slash male teammate’s hair in your mouth every day for the rest of your life
this was made for mefellas is it gay if you wanna wake up with your buddy slash male teammate’s hair in your mouth every day for the rest of your life
this was made for me. the roommates/friends/teammates-to-lovers!!! the slow-burn!!! the hurt/comfort!!! the softness!!! the pining!!! the way these two boys were so touch-starved for each other!!! so cuddly!!! god. the writing hit me right in the feels. benji & olly are so precious and endearing ...more
this book made me so happy & giddy & drunk & in love i’m still processing because goddamn. this is gonna be a year for the sapphics y’all. women who sthis book made me so happy & giddy & drunk & in love i’m still processing because goddamn. this is gonna be a year for the sapphics y’all. women who simp for each other like crazy just work for me & riley & gianna were so soft help!!!! i had butterflies for most part of this book. even now i can’t stop grinning like mad when i think of them. best friends to lovers you have a win right here.
it settled through gianna. the warmth of it, how she could feel riley’s happiness somehow, and it made her feel happy, too. which only compounded when she realized she was the cause of it.
example of the notes i took as i was reading: “THEY’RE SO PRETTY!!!� “pls omg they’re so perfect for each other i cannot� “i actually banged my head on the headboard of the bed as i was reading this i don’t regret a thing� “the yearning i am unwell� (i truly am unwell. with my love for them.)
this was almost 500 pages & yet i devoured it within a night & i wanted more, how is that possible. i just—this was all the heart-melting, poignant, touching, ooey-gooey goodness i needed, folks. this wasn’t just a romance—it was more of a love story, all-encompassing in how bold & vast it was. i loved seeing how riley & gianna finally came back to being on the same page in the end (& seeing how the title was incorporated in the story & me finally understanding the mutual pining with my silly little head had me going /oh/ because i finally Get It).
maybe i’m too much of a romantic, but irl this is the type of love i believe in. one with a steady foundation of friendship, where two people know each other’s souls before anything else happens. where they can just jump into a relationship casually & be domestic because that’s the only thing they know with each other. where they’re each other’s /person/ first & foremost, whether or not something romantic happens with them later. they’re always each other’s go-to person & it’s awesome. they’re never-ending & it’s beautiful to witness. they give each other so much joy. unlike other friends to lovers tropes, here there’s no doubt about “oh, what if we ruin our friendship by doing this??� because their bond is one for a lifetime. one that has held strong for ten years & it wasn’t gonna break for something silly, not for anything. riley & gianna were so refreshing because their devotedness to each other came over everything else & this is what i need. ridiculously swoon-worthy.
she smiled—so fucking sweetly, and gianna loved it. she loved that smile. she was concentrating on it, when riley reached down and linked their fingers together.
in my opinion, friends to lovers only works two ways. #1 � when both characters are pining for each other for so long, there’s no one else for them but each other, but circumstances/fear is keeping them apart for some reason. #2 � when they’re actually only just friends who know each other to their very core but misunderstandings or situations get them to see each other differently. & this is a mix of both in a way that made me gasp when we had the revelation at the end.
“w±ð’r±ð never ending,â€� she swore, a promise ringing through her words. gianna wrapped herself up in that promise. “never ending,â€� she repeated.
it’s the little moments for me—like riley gazing at gianna all the damn time, thinking of her like she’s a star. riley slowly dabbing at gianna’s face to remove the makeup after gianna had a rough night. riley being the first & only person gianna called when she was in trouble, & vice versa. the way riley /saw/ gianna through her party-girl exterior & knew how stunning she was inside. gianna always hugging & touching riley whenever she could. this truly gave me all the feels.
“then where are they when you come home drunk from a party all by yourself when you went out with them, yet i’m the one who makes sure you’re okay? and why am i the only person you’ve talked to about your sexuality? why am i the only one still around when you aren’t offering to pay for drinks or get access to designer clothes? why am i the only one here when all you’re offering is you?�
gianna mäkinen, my beloved. her mean girl persona in the past threw me off at first because� is this the same girl who’s best friends with riley?? but then her development. the growth she had & the way riley made her see she deserved much better than being used for her connections & wealth—absolutely lovely. her vulnerability & heart hits so deep.
riley beckett. her compassion, her quietness till she needed to speak out, her need to always be truthful & honest was so admirable. i didn’t truly resonate with her like i did with gianna but i appreciated her character arc & how from her lens, we got to see gianna as something so bright & bold & fearless & yet exposed only with riley.
joel & ellie & mummo you are loved by me <3 (ellie you became a little annoying by meddling in your sister’s affairs but whatever still cute because we love science girlies!!! me being a science girlie i’m biased obviously.) the way joel rooted for gianna & riley to get together ever since riley admitted they were having sex? his response “she looks at you like you could go on a killing spree and she’d be like, good job, babe, they deserved it! i’ll call my lawyer!� lmao he cracks me up. he is the tech guy after all what else did we expect. mummo is the best grandma ever !!! i’m so glad gianna had someone who had her back even when her parents were so shitty.
i’ve only read two books by haley prior to this & i can safely say that if her books continue to be like this, i’m gonna be finding myself a new favorite author. her writing style is so simplistic yet lovely—she somehow makes the characters & their struggles central to the story in a way that’s so easy to get invested in. an author who can get me to fall in love with tropes & storylines i generally hate is one to behold indeed. truly a testament to her skill. i don’t like friends with benefits because it’s so easy to get caught up in the sex & miscommunication of it all, but haley doesn’t do that. she doesn’t make them go down the miscommunication route—both riley & gianna constantly keep talking about what this means for Them even if they don’t talk about their feelings for each other straight-up till the end. no—she doesn’t even detail out many of the sex scenes, she leaves it to our imagination. instead, she expands upon the sheer intimacy of the relationship. of how touchy-feely both riley & gianna are, how in awe they are of each other, how they admire each other—and it is truly a sight to behold. haley gently takes my hand & guides me through these stories that are so tender & have so much heart to them—it’s genuinely fucking gorgeous.
the way haley alternated between showing the past & present is so skillful i can only applaud her. having gianna’s point of view of the past when she had to grow & where she met riley & did her growing up was an intentional choice & one that was perfect for this book, i’d say. & riley’s perspective was necessary for the present cause we needed to see how she explored her bisexuality/pansexuality (?) after her awakening, the uncertainty she felt because she was facing these feelings for the first time so late in her life & she’d never felt them before.
i normally hate books that give me second-hand embarrassment. like bye i would so cringe at certain instances in this. but haley made me stick through with it & those few moments were done so naturally & masterfully that i think i just giggled a few times because it felt so realistic & as if it had to have happened. (i will not lie though, i went “lalalala i’m not seeing this� when *that scene* happened after riley misunderstood gianna’s intentions—if you know you know.) my only qualm would probably be that i wanted gianna’s pov of the current time because seeing riley go through her bi/pan-awakening was all well & good & i adored seeing her confusion & final acceptance, but i needed to see gianna’s pining through the years & how she kept her feelings close to her chest so long. i would kill for a gianna pov no joke.
riley & gianna are so beloved to me. that’s all....more
Ben sighed. “When was the last time you thought about breathing?â€� “W³ó²¹³Ù?â€� “Breathing? Lungs in and out? Air? When did you last think about it? You’reBen sighed. “When was the last time you thought about breathing?â€� “W³ó²¹³Ù?â€� “Breathing? Lungs in and out? Air? When did you last think about it? You’re like breathing. I don’t think about it, but I need it to stay alive.â€� A faint smile came to Nikolas’s lips. “Then you’re like a heartbeat. I’ll miss you when you stop.â€�
the level of comfort in their relationship ...more
‘and then we end—we end where we started. just us. all six of us.�
farewell, so long, goodbye. i will be back. y’all this is my family and i’m just‘and then we end—we end where we started. just us. all six of us.�
farewell, so long, goodbye. i will be back. y’all this is my family and i’m just. so proud. couldn’t be feeling any prouder of them. they got me all in my feels. they’ve all come so far and i just wanna protect them from the entire world. AND THE KIDS HAVE MY WHOLE AND ENTIRE HEART ...more
4 “being around you is like drowning in cloudsâ€� stars ⋆à¨à§ËÆøœ§
“i’m a tangled mess inside. you’ve had me in freefall for weeks, and part of me wants to fa4 “being around you is like drowning in cloudsâ€� stars ⋆à¨à§ËÆøœ§
“i’m a tangled mess inside. you’ve had me in freefall for weeks, and part of me wants to fall forever, and part of me is terrified of hitting bottom.â€� “and yet i’ve felt like i could fly, and never touch ground again,â€� wally breathed, leaning harder into him. “perhaps we can meet somewhere in between.â€� “where sea and sky meet?â€� “a±ô·É²¹²â²õ.â€�
this was basically hurt/comfort perfection and i needed this right now. everyone say thank you to cole mccade for always delivering. ...more
may 2024 reread: that ending will never not be epic.
� ⸺⸺� � ⸺⸺� �
there are books that sometimes make me believe “this. this is why i read.� this wmay 2024 reread: that ending will never not be epic.
� ⸺⸺� � ⸺⸺� �
there are books that sometimes make me believe “this. this is why i read.� this was one of those books for me. the ending literally gave me the shivers. the tension between laurent and damen is everything. this is why i love slow-burn enemies to lovers � this was actual slow-burn and actual enemies to lovers, perfectly executed, no bars held.
‘a kingdom, or this.�
i’m obsessed. there’s no other way to describe it. me binging these books back to back frantically whenever i find the time says a lot. i’m regretting not starting these earlier but also not really, because i really needed this now. this series is quickly becoming one of my all time favs and i love it for that.
this was hope. despair. darkness. pain. anger. revenge. passion. everything packed into this book. i loved the politics and the war and how it was depicted (i always eat that up in books like this, where both the characters and the romance and plot intrigue me � best types of fantasy books imo). i will say, go into this with less expectations for the romance and more for the book itself � you’ll probably like it more that way, though i wasn’t at all disappointed when i went into it for even just the romance because i quickly entrenched myself with the world and what was going on. the complexity of every character shone in this book.
‘to get what you want, you have to know exactly how much you are willing to give up.�
i just felt so much for damen, precious boy that he is. duty-bound. needing to save his country from certain ruin. possible savior complex. epitome of an honorable knight. and yes, i even felt for laurent. fell*, my bad. my type is emotionless, cold ice princes who melt only for that one person in their lives, apparently. the amount of calculation he did, his strategic way of thinking, how smart he was? it only endeared me to him more. it made me wanna tell him “you’re so mean � do it again�. the way he blushed in front of damen � my heart. ...more
it’s been months and i’ve still not recovered from this 860k+ word masterpiece so that should say something. i love all of them so much words cannot eit’s been months and i’ve still not recovered from this 860k+ word masterpiece so that should say something. i love all of them so much words cannot encompass everything i feel. ...more
january 2024 reread: thinking about how having queer figures in history is so important to us as a community and how we all seek to find ourselvesjanuary 2024 reread: thinking about how having queer figures in history is so important to us as a community and how we all seek to find ourselves in these people who fought for us so that we can relate
if i haven’t mentioned this 4582875435 times already, i love the trope where both the main characters have misconceptions about each other but when they end up letting down their guard and truly /seeing/ each other, they realize they’re wrong. alex & henry are just. i have no words to express what they mean to me. they’re two boys who found each other in the most unexpected way & tried keeping each other. two boys in bed, memorizing each other’s expressions and sighs and melodies. two boys in love, writing letters to each other, trading secret kisses and forbidden glances. two boys in history, making their own legacy and carving their path in the world. two boys in texas, trying to live their life quietly & peacefully but living every day to the fullest, savoring every moment of happiness and bliss.
but above all, they’re so flawed & beautifully human. they look to remind us of how we all strive for perfection, but all we can ever hope to do is our best. our dreams and goals are ever-changing & alex & henry tell us that it’s alright. that we have a whole world alongside us, willing to be with us every step of the way. that we have time.
“give yourself away sometimes, sweetheart.�
i can spend eons expressing why i admire alex claremont-diaz because of how he is forever led by his heart. how snarky & vulnerable he is at the same time. how he came out as bisexual and oblivious as he is, understood and started verbalizing his identity. how he believes no one is supposed to see him be that open. how he’s so charming and wonderful & yet facing his own struggles with who he is.
i can forever love prince henry fox-mountchristen-windsor for how fucking brave he is without even realizing it. how he has his bouts of loneliness and dissatisfaction and depression and his “dark� periods but also how he comes out of them. how he’s so much more than the bland persona the royal family have cultivated him into. how he loves david bowie & han & leia & spouts the most random facts sometimes. how his secrets weighed heavy on his heart before alex came to ease the burden. how he wants to be a writer. how his beautiful, beautiful words to alex made me feel so much.
“history, huh? bet we could make some.�
an old house key & a signet ring. two homes, side by side. alex & henry, a legacy of hope & love, now a battle-call for change. it’s “you and me and history� to the bitter end.
� ⸺⸺� � ⸺⸺� �
i’m screaming crying throwing up. you know when you get this queer ache in your heart when you’re reading a book because the relationships, the characters, just everything about the book hits you right in the chest? this book was that for me. a new comfort read. it’s just such a happy place for me & it wrecked me in the best ways. i literally teared up a couple of times because it was that beautiful. the writing is absolutely gorgeous & i just wanted to sip in every word like fine wine.
“should i tell you that when we’re apart, your body comes back to me in dreams? that when i sleep, i see you, the dip of your waist, the freckle above your hip, and when i wake up in the morning, it feels like i’ve just been with you, the phantom touch of your hand on the back of my neck fresh and not imagined? that i can feel your skin against mine, and it makes every bone in my body ache? that, for a few moments, i can hold my breath and be back there with you, in a dream, in a thousand rooms, nowhere at all?�
i’m so in love with alex & henry it’s not even funny. the way they complemented each other—brilliant. henry was so calm, composed, serene, quiet, & loyal & just so soft. he was such a sweetheart (he gave off such pisces energy i swear) & i just wanted him to be happy. while alex was so snarky & sassy & playful & charismatic & confident but he cared so deeply for the people he let into his heart completely. he had this arrogant façade but he just felt so much inside. both of them have my entire heart, individually & as a couple. the characters just felt so real & have such a huge clutch on my heart. e v e r y t h i n g about them made me so emotional. their banter? their sweeter moments? the way they just loved each other, fuck the world style? i adored it. the first half of this book is entrenched in my heart at this point because while i loved the book as a whole, that was the part i was more partial to because there was so much more romance & banter & progression in that (while i didn’t exactly love the politics in the second half, i wouldn’t say it took the enjoyment out of the book for me either? so yes, it was enjoyable enough too even though i’d generally say anything detracting from the romance is a flaw lol). alex & henry were truly made for each other. soulmatism at its finest.
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forbidden relationships (relationships where there’s sneaking around required, or where they have to keep it a secret) just hit different for me because the tension? the build-up? the anticipation? all of that skyrockets & i love that. & here, it just fit with everything. the way they texted each other? THE EMAILS?? i’m feeling all /soft/ inside just thinking about it. the way they used to write about how much they adored each other. the way they truly got to know each other inside out, be there for each other when they needed to be. the way they used to cite paragraphs from literature & quote people from history. the poetic nature of the writing also helped because the humor, the snark, the emotional investment i had in everything was /perfect/. tender is the only way i can describe alex & henry. the nicknames they had for each other, especially alex for henry, & how they both got undone by them? it got me all in my feels. “sweetheart� “love� i mean COME ON WHO CAN RESIST. they just made me melt so much & i’m a goner for them. absolutely stunning.
“i miss you like a home.�
the side characters! we simply cannot forget about them. nora & june were literally so cute & i loved how supportive they were of alex. zahra! our fav grumpy lil shit, we love her. shaan & her being together was a nice touch to the story. & alex’s mom, ellen? i loved her. henry though... i wish he had more people who actually cared about him in his life. i did love his sister, bea, she was so adorable! pez was an icon. we needed more scenes with him in it, i just know him and alex would be best buddies. & henry’s mom wasn’t too bad either. i just really didn’t care for his grandmother or brother though. like, ew, get out.
i loved the way real-life issues were portrayed here. the politics. the representation. the racism & what is done to overcome it. this is fiction, yes, but i loved that it was still shown how exactly the world is changing, y’know? the ending made me so emotional because seeing world leaders evolving, having queer children who fall in love with each other despite the world supposedly against them is everything to me.
every time i think about alex & henry now, i’m gonna be thinking about how beautiful it was that they defied the odds together & stayed with each other through everything. this story is so special to me. ...more
you cannot tell me sirius & remus aren’t “the way i loved you� coded. i won’t believe it. sirius “when you are young they assume you know nothing but you cannot tell me sirius & remus aren’t “the way i loved you� coded. i won’t believe it. sirius “when you are young they assume you know nothing but i knew you� black and remus “you drew stars around my scars� lupin made me sob so violently, they tore into my heart. they always were a tragedy of almosts and forevers. and for the last 15% of the fic (which, for reference, is more than 400 pages) i didn’t stop crying. at all. i’ve never felt this way before. they make me long for a love like this where i miss screaming & fighting & kissing in the rain & it’s 2 am and i’m fucking dying. i have never felt two people who fight as much as they do and yet grow more & more in love with each other as the days pass, soulmatism at its finest i tell you. wolfstar is just my comfort ship <3
after finishing this, i was so exhausted. i was shaking. trembling. hyperventilating. i’ve read a lot of dark, emotional & angsty books over the years but this? this wasn’t even that dark or explicit and the fact that it managed to hit me so hard says a lot. the original atyd had a long list of attributes to it, one of them being that since it was remus� pov, it showed the grittier side of his life better. it showed the side of his life that was grant. it was too relatable to me because i can’t lie, remus lupin is for those people who believe they have many friends they can confide in, talk to, but they’re never anyone’s person (me). but sirius� perspective was something else. i felt literally all the emotions with him, because as much as he can be a serial avoider & in denial sometimes, he’s also one of those characters who feel EVERYTHING. and for me, this fic was closure after everything, because i never felt the sort of satisfaction i felt after finishing this when i read the original fic. it was this queer mixture of heartbreak and love and i loved the pain and exhaustion, because it was the best kind of therapy for me.
i’m a crumbled up piece of paper lying here ...more
he said i am here i am here with you for you ox because you have always done the same to me you are candy canes and pinecones you are epic� 4.5 stars �
he said i am here i am here with you for you ox because you have always done the same to me you are candy canes and pinecones you are epic and awesome you are the only reason why i was able to get through the years i was gone i cut us off and tried to push you out of my mind but when it was late when it was dark i would think of you of coming home to you of being with you being happy being home because ox you’re my home without you i am nothing i am no one you are my love my life my pack my mate so i need you to focus i need you to listen to my heart to my voice to my breaths i am your Alpha and i can’t do this without you so you come back you come back you fucking come back to me ox i listen his breaths his voice and words his heart
the way i wasn’t expecting to love this so much, and yet i did. the way this book tore my heart out ...more
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