OH MY GOD. I have never read a book like this in my life. Seriously guys thMy feelings while reading this book: [image]
GUYS THIS BOOK WAS AMAZING!!!!!
OH MY GOD. I have never read a book like this in my life. Seriously guys this is like The Room or Troll 2 of books. It was so poor in its execution so horribly bad and offensive at times that it was actually good. The book takes itself so seriously that it's just hilarious to laugh at. It's truly amazing how wrong it is.
The characters were wrong. The plot was wrong. The setting was wrong. The romance was wrong. Every single detail was WRONG. The book failed on possibly every level and in a way I'm glad I read this book (although my dead brain cells are not thanking me) because it's literally a guide of how not to write a YA book.
I usually don't write reviews this scathing but how the author treated the source material is just wrong. In fact some parts are insulting even. I never read a retelling this BAD.
Okay deep breath....here we go. There is gonna be a lot of swearing so if you don't like it too bad. Obviously big spoilers ahead but who really gives a shit.
So we got our protagonist Rune-and holy shit here we go right out of the fucking gate we got a stupid ass name. She's going to school at the Roseblood academy for musical talent and boy do we get an info dump about Roseblood. The first two chapters are just one info dump about Rune's power and information about the school. A more talented author would slowly reveal information about Rune's power and the secrets about the school but nope right away we get a lecture about the history of the school.
Oh and did I mention the school has no wi-fi and cell phone reception. A SCHOOL. A school has no computers. Wow. SO realistic. I can buy a phantom living in the fucking sewers but a school with no cell phones and computers is plain fantasy man.
Another problem that really grinds my gears and YA authors do it a lot is when the protagonist is going to some super cool location and she doesn't wanna go!!!!!1!!!@@#!! Like she's going to a fucking boarding school in France to learn opera and gets to go to Paris on the weekends and this bitch has the audacity to complain to her mother that she doesn't wanna go!!!!! Like shut up with your first world problems already Christ. And I hate when YA mothers are like "you have to go sweetie!!!" Ugh parenting skills are non-existent in the YA world.
We also find out in the first two chapters that Rune is the most special snowflake in the entire world. Her dad tragically died when she six years old and of course she's not over it. I barely have any memories when I was six but I guess YA protagonists have perfect memories. Anyway her grandma tried to drown her when she a little girl and set her classroom on fire (???? not really explained well) because she's a demon for bursting out in song. Seriously that's her power. She bursts out in songs uncontrollably. It's pretty lame if you ask me. But you know what she hit all the marks for the YA protagonist trope. But to be sure let's play the game:
Is our protagonist a typical YA protagonist???
Let's evaluate our character Rune...
-weird ass name -Has an ability she can't control -tragic backstory (bonus points if someone tried to kill her because of her power) -Has dreams about her love interest before she even meets him -At least one parent dead -Forced to go to some exotic/fantastical location that she doesn't want to go to -Beautiful (Ten extra points if she doesn't KNOW it) -Green eyes -white (twenty points if she has white people problems) -Nobody UNDERSTANDS her -Says she doesn't want to make friends but everyone wants to instantly be friends with her -Very talented but doesn't want the attention (fifteen points if she has no training for her power) -Has mean girls who hate her for no reason just to make her look better -Not like OTHER girls -Secret family history -Falls in love with love interest immediately -Life revolves around love interest (bonus points if she puts up with his shit)
Ding Ding Ding!!!! We got a winner!!!! Congrats Rune you are a basic bitch!!!
Okay so I'm skipping ahead because the book goes into excruciating detail about her new friends at Roseblood and her classes which I don't really give a shit about and let's get to what I've been waiting for-THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA!!!!
So is he going to be her love interest??????
Nope. His son is instead.
You heard me right. The phantom adopted a son and he also wears a mask and is Rune's love interest. His name is Thorn (I'm fucking serious) he wears a mask even though he's beautiful and has no deformities. He stalks Rune and visits her in her dreams and stuff like the stalker he is. Erik (the phantom) and Thorn live in the sewers of the academy and haunt it. [image]
Wow fucking wow. You had one job and you screwed it up. Wouldn't it be so much more interesting if Thorn had a deformity? Instead he wears a mask like a douche (fucking Kylo Ren over here) and is charming in every way in spite of the fact he lives in the fucking sewers with no friends expect for his psycho father. Of course he's a handsome love interest. We can't have ugly love interests can we??? Physical beauty and beauty of the soul itself were core themes of the original book and by extension the musical. Like fuck off I'm tired of bland ass love interests who look absolutely perfect-this was such a missed opportunity.
And like all creepy YA love interests he says stuff like:
"We are destined to be lovers Rune."
UGHHHHHHH
So here's where the book gets fucking hilarious like so funny I burst out laughing while reading it. Okay are you ready??? Are you sitting down???? Okay okay here we go....
The reason why the phantom is still alive is because he's a psychic vampire.
PSYCHIC VAMPIRE
Oh my fucking God i can't breathe I'm dead. I'm literally dead. And the best part is that Rune and Thorn are also psychic vampires (because why the fuck not) and their voice lures people to them. They don't drink blood but they suck the energy people from their song (how???? don't ask) and that's how they feed. Oh my God its so fucking stupid I'm dead. So you are probably wondering "Hmmm how do they feed from people?????"
Well folks it only gets stupider from here. Okay are you sitting down again??? Not drinking anything??? Okay here we go again....
The phantom owns a rave and he uses the people in there to feed off their energy.
The phantom owns a rave.
The phantom of the opera owns a rave.
THE PHANTOM OF THE FUCKING OPERA OWNS A GODDAMN RAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [image]
yES Folks its true the phantom owns a nightclub and theres a rave inside that people go to and he feeds off their fear by exposing his face (??????) and using giant tubes (??????????????) to suck up their energy. What the fuck. What the fucjkdkfkkdk. WHT THE FUKKKKKKK
The Phantom of the Rave is there inside my MINDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
I can't. It can't possibly get any stupider. Please for the love of God please don't make it stupider.
Oh but just you wait people it gets better. We find out that Rune and Thorn are "twin flames" which means that they have the same soul. So one soul separated into two parts into two different bodies. The author says in her author notes section that she wanted a better name than "soulmates" which sounds cheesy. Sorry you aren't fooling anyone. They are ~destined~ soulmates.
Why I find this cliche terrible -They fall in love right away since they are meant to be. There is no tension no "will they?" or "won't they?" It's already decided -It's a dangerous concept to teach YA readers that there is only ~one~ person destined for you. That shit ain't true. -It's just so dang boring. There is no getting to know each other. It's just hey i just met you and this is crazy but we are destined to be soulmates so marry me maybe??? -It's overdone and I seen it a million times in other books and actually in way better ways. See Claudia Grey's Firebird series.
Oh but my friends it get better. Whose soul was split between Rune's and Thorns????? Okay make sure you aren't eating anything okay I mean it this time. Are you ready????? Kay
It's Christine Daae's
Or otherwise known as Christina Nilsson a real life opera singer. She was the phantom's twin flame and she died before they could have a bonding ritual (???? not really explained well) so her soul reincarnated into Thorn and Rune. [image]
WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKK
My sanity is gone. Call me Padme Amidala because I lost the will to live. This is so stupid I can't. I just can't. It makes no Goddamn sense. First of all why his Christine the phantom's twin flame??? The phantom is a tragic character because he's never been loved and tries to force Christine to love him and when she refuses he thinks its because of his deformity. But that's not the reason at all. It's because he's a psychopath, stalker, kidnapper and murderer. They were never soul mates. The book even has the audacity the very NERVE to say:
"She [Christine] wasn't ready for the selfless, soul-deep level of love he required."
"They had a passionate emotional affair, although sadly, she was young and immature."
[image]
Are you for real? Really. We are really blaming Christine here. The victim. We are blaming the victim here. Oh but wait it gets better. You didn't think it would happen again but here we fucking go. The icing on the shit cake. Are you ready??? No are you truly ready for this stupidity???? This is the REAL history of the phantom and Christine:
Christine returns to the phantom years later after the death of her husband and she falls in love with him because they are ~soulmates~ (twin flames are just so stupid to type out) and they have a child together. The baby girl dies and the phantom tries to resurrect her and Christine gets angry and leaves him forever. The phantom then spends the rest of his life to resurrect the baby by finding Thorn and Rune because they have Christine's soul. The whole plot of this book is the phantom trying to capture Rune so he can cut out her voice (how???? idk) and give it to his dead daughter to resurrect. [image]
OH MY GOD
There are no words. There are no words to describe this. Am i Dead??? Did I land into some alternate reality where books like this are allowed to exist??? This can't be real. Someone wrote this. Wrote this into the world. People bought this book (thank God for the library but I placed a hold for it for 25 cents that 25 cents I will never get back). People paid money to read this. This is a twelve year old girl's fanfic. This can't be a published book. This can't.
So you can guess the ending from here. Thorn saves the day by releasing a lever that floods the sewers (deus ex machina much??? not that i care i just wanted the book to end) and he lives of course and Rune and him live happily ever after. Oh and the phantom is alive too and goes to live with other psychic vampires in Canada (????) Why Canada???? I know Justin Trudeau is good looking but come on there's no explanation why he would go there!!! And the phantom doesn't take any revenge against them and is chill. Awesome. Straight in Character.
Oh and they let a teacher take the blame for the phantom almost killing everyone in the academy. I forgot to mention the phantom got mad and locked everyone in the main hall and dropped chandeliers on them and shit (just like the book and musical!!!!!!! wow so accurate) and land mines around the academy (yes the phantom is arms dealer too just roll with it) and some teacher died and even though he was working with the phantom they let him take the fall. Great protagonist we have here folks.
So the end. Everyone ends up happy, nobody dies all in the spirit of the original source material amiright??????
My favorite character hands down was Kat. She was the bitchy mean girl who hated Rune and to be honest I really don't blame Kat at all. Rune has no opera training just is born with a magically good voice and steals the spotlight and opera role from Kat. Kat trained all her life for this and Rune just steals it but gives the staring role to her friend Aubrey because shes a NICE PERSON.
Fuck you Rune. Kat deserved it. And Kat has a best friend Roxie who's in love with her. I'd rather hear about the adventures of two girls in love at an opera academy than a boring ass love story between two ~soulmates~. Ugh. Missed opportunity.
Also there is so much disrespectful gypsy references in here.
Here I quote: "I might be under a gypsy curse."
"After our encounter, I realized why I was enchanted by the spider's feeding rituals, that there was something in my gypsy blood-something tainted and wrong...just as Grandma said."
Wow. Did the author not know how INSULTING that is??? She put the words "gyspy blood" and "tainted" and "wrong" in the same sentence. They are called Romani-not gyspy. Gypsy is a slur. And they were literally persecuted in WWII for having what is called "tainted blood" and not pure Aryan blood. Saying that gypsy blood is tainted and wrong is so demeaning to the Romani people. And saying that they invent curses is bullshit. My jaw dropped when I read that. That alone deserves one star.
What also bugged me is the pacing in the story is off and some parts were literally Rune describing every single detail. For example when she goes to garden she has to describe her process of doing it and I want to bash my head against the wall. 100 pages could have been trimmed from this book. There was no tension, no build up, barely a climax and the twists were pathetic.
I would give this book zero stars if I could. The only redeeming thing is that it's so bad, so horrifying that sometimes its actually hilarious. I laughed at the parts where i wasn't supposed to laugh at and laughed at how seriously this book took itself when it's just another bland YA love story that we seen a million times. But this one really got under my skin because it used source material that I love and disrespected it just like that shitty Last Airbender movie did.
0/5 stars. Only read it if you want a guide of what not to do in a YA book and if you want a good laugh. Excuse me while I go wash out my brain and regain my sanity....more
EDIT: I originally gave this book one star but I changed my mind weeks later and decided this book deserved at least two stars. Reason why is because EDIT: I originally gave this book one star but I changed my mind weeks later and decided this book deserved at least two stars. Reason why is because I read some other two star books recently and I think this book is at the same level as those books. The more I think about it, I think I didn't like this book was because of its ending and how everything wasn't wrapped up in a neat bow but life isn't always like that is it? But still I didn't enjoy this book very much and still think things should have been explained better but nonetheless I'm giving it two stars. I'm keeping my old review up because frankly I'm too lazy to change it. *end rant*
I rarely give out one star reviews.
Mostly because if I really hate a book, I give up on it and don't even rate it because I believe you shouldn't rate a book unless you finish the whole thing. Out of all the books I read, I only gave 24 books one star. Twenty four out of the hundreds of books I read isn't that bad. It takes A LOT for me to give a one star review. A LOT. I usually can find something redeeming but not this books.
I had high expectations for this book. Most reviews I read about this book were five star praising how "deep dark and mysterious" it was. I kept thinking "Are we reading the same book?"
The only thing good about this book was Cassie and the description of the woods. I found the setting to be unsettling (tongue-twister there) and I liked the whole mystery surrounding it.
Major Spoilers ahead but trust me you aren't missing much.
So on the Dublin Murder squad we have Rob and Cassie who have to solve this murder of this little girl found on a dig site close by where Rob and his two friends mysteriously disappeared as children. Rob has to find out if the murder cases are connected and face the demons of his past.
Our protagonist Rob is duller than a slice of stale bread. I don't mind unlikable characters but he was nothing! He wasn't likeable or unlikeable! He was just there. He lost two of his best friends who mysteriously as a kid and it doesn't effect him that much until he has a mental breakdown later on in the book that's not really explained. Speaking of explanation-NOTHING IN THIS BOOK IS EXPLAINED.
Um why didn't the police investigate the shed that was literally like twenty-five feet away from the crime scene? Wouldn't they investigate the whole area where they found the body?
Why is Katy's sister (I forgot her name that's how forgettable this stereotypical villain is) a psychopath for? She's just born like that-no inner psychology at all. Just a grade A psychopath with no explanation whatsoever.
Why doesn't Rob want to commit to Cassie and suddenly has a mental breakdown? Why does he call Katy's sister like a horny teenager even though she's only 17? Why does he break so many police protocols?
Why did Cassie and Rob have a romance for? Why can't men and women just be friends for one Goddamn story?
WHAT HAPPENED TO ROB'S FRIENDS!?!?!?!?!?
Okay look I love the ending to the film Inception. (view spoiler)[The audience isn't sure if Leo is still in a dream or not. Brilliant. (hide spoiler)] Open endings are okay to me. But this didn't have an open ending at all. If it ended hinting at what happened to the children or even hinted that Rob might have killed them that would have been brilliant. Even if a freaking dragon came down from the sky and was responsible for eating the children I would have found that a better ending. May even raised my review to two-stars. Who knows? But it didn't. It just ended trying to a *deep* indie film ending or something.
Cassie was the only character I liked. I wish she didn't have a romance with Rob. I liked their friendship and I was so happy that we finally had a female and male cop dynamic that had a strong love of friendship between them. Nope gotta ruin that. Man and woman must always have lustful thoughts about each other all the time. DUH.
So pretty much the summary of the story. A girl gets murdered. The cops fuck up the investigation. The family strongly shows abuse signs but they don't do anything until weeks later. More talking. Hundreds of pages slowly go by. Cops get drunk. They fuck up the investigation some more. They finally get the villain. Oops she's under age so once again they screw it up. Villain gets away with it. We never find out what happened to the missing children. Yayyyyy so deep. So edgy. Wow truly one of a kind.
Melissa Rose
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