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| 0316565024
| 9780316565028
| 0316565024
| 4.01
| 4,075
| Oct 10, 2023
| Oct 10, 2023
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it was amazing
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Looking forward to the next book. p.s. the audio book has the same weird/funny ways of pronouncing Russian, as in the previous book. Now I'm beginning Looking forward to the next book. p.s. the audio book has the same weird/funny ways of pronouncing Russian, as in the previous book. Now I'm beginning to like it, it gives the series a unique фишка :-) ...more |
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not set
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Dec 08, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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Hardcover
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| 0345539338
| 9780345539335
| 0345539338
| 4.28
| 913
| 2012
| Sep 10, 2013
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it was amazing
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Good stuff for parents, thought-provoking and useful. Notes below are truncated due to limits imposed by ŷ. # intro Scared and immobilized chicke Good stuff for parents, thought-provoking and useful. Notes below are truncated due to limits imposed by ŷ. # intro Scared and immobilized chicken example - 1 recovers quickly - 2 stay longer - mutual influence Get to their level - eye to eye, or sit on the couch next to them # ch1 alert, alarm, assessment, all-clear Effects of anxiety - misery - missing out Phases after calm - alert: a trigger (even a perceived one) that can be a memory or an image, not necessarily a current threat - alarm: anxious state - thoughts - physical manifestations - assessment: thoughtful evaluation of danger and safety - all-clear: signal that the alarm can be turned off People with high anxiety - tend to be on heightened alert all the time - have a highly sensitive alarm - need more time for the all-clear - they see a scared second chicken no matter where they look Children who constantly look for danger - don't enjoy life very much - limit their activities - have extreme reactions to non-dangerous things - are **Reluctant to accept an external all-clear signal, even from a trusted source** Alerts - are almost instantaneous - ~0.002s [me: for the elephant to react] When spending time with your kids - keep your phone/nespaper down and watch them - so they can see they're indeed under protection, rather than being left to their own devices. - me: it is the perception of bring under protection that matters, no? When the assessment system doesn't have full info - look for clues in our bodily reactions - if my breathing is calm and relaxed - all is well - Relaxation exercises - a nudge of your body towards a calm state - become your own "second [calm] chicken" - if the heart beats fast - this catalyzes the assessment system - anxiety reinforces itself **Scared and safe** - my heart beats fast and my palms are sweaty; I am scares, but I am safe Explain the terminology to a child - alert, alarm, assessment, all-clear - use these terms - let them use the terms - think aloud when you're in such states to show them how to use the vocabulary Anxiety is useful - society needs diverse people - some risk takers, others risk averse - Sources of anxiety - temperament - trauma - difficult life experiences - anxious parents - modern society - news - social media +expectation to be cool, pretty, slim, etc. - heredity - 10..20% people are born highly-reactive (study be Jerome Kegan, Harvard) to anything unfamiliar - they take longer to adapt to new circumstances - follow people from infancy to adulthood - they were more risk averse - but not all grew into anxious adults - if parents armed them with coping skills -> ok - otherwise, be protective and avoid issues -> anxious - children need to be allowed to fail - as long as the failure isn't dangerous - this gives them experience and a chance to develop coping skills - having something to say but being unable to express it - unexpressed feelings or emotions do not disappear Over-protective and cautious parents at the playground keep telling kids to be careful, reminding them of this often. - this can override the child's own assessment system (they feel fine, but the parent keeps worrying anyway - why? Maybe I should be worried!) **Ask them occasionally whether they feel safe** - make them aware of this tool - practice term use - give them some training data to calibrate their sensitivity Security duck game - engage playfully with the child - give the child a chance to take the role of the brave character I can't watch game - you: you can't walk there, it is dangerous, people sometimes fall over! - the child starts walking - you: oh no, I can't watch! - the child proceeds to engage in activities that show the "scared" person there is no reason to be scared The coast is clear! Or is it? Game - hide dramatically behind some furniture or a blanket, pretend to be scared of something - you then ask the kid if the coast is clear? - kid: yes - come out of hiding, but immediately discover something new that scares you (ex: a pencil) - let the child convince you that all is well, that you're safe - note: choose something obviously not scary as a source of fear, otherwise kids might get a real scare out of this one. - they'll keep giving you an all-clear signal, hence get accustomed to using it # ch2 the second chicken, parenting eith empathy, for confidence Be the calm second chicken. ## Step 1 is empathy - take their state seriously, - don't: don't be scared! Don't be silly! Stop being such a baby! There's nothing to be afraid of! Nobody else is afraid! - such reactions invalidate their feelings - do: acknowledge. That was really scary! Everyone gets scared occasionally, adults too! You can sit in my lap as long as you like and join in when you're ready. - ridicule is a dead end, while empathy is an invitation to look for solutions. Kids won't open up about their deep issues if they are ridiculed when they bring up simple ones! Common fears - to be alone - to be in the dark ## Step 2 project calm confidence Deal with your own anxieties first. Practice what you preach. The 2nd chicken needs to do little - just be calm. Trick: ask the child **can you look into my eyes and see if there is fear?** - if there really isn't, they are more likely to calm themselves down - it is different from just telling them not to be afraid ## notes - anxious kids are oversensitive to others' anxiety and under-sensitive to others' calmness - try non-verbal reassurance - hugs might work when words fail. - "I am safe even when I am away from you" (if the child is worried about you, e.g., that you might die) - reassure **without dismissal**. Validate first, then reassure! - 15 sec rule: **if reassurance doesn't work within 15s, stop and try something else**. - when you notice bravery in the - point it out. (vs just saying "be brave" in difficult situations) - guiding questions, ex: if a child complains about being teased: - what did you try? - how did it work? - what would you like to try next? - avoid rewards (see Alfie Kohn's books) # ch3 relaxation and rough-housing - Slow breathing changes the experience of a scarry thought. - fearometer - numeric scale, or emoticons (if the child doesn't understand scales yet) - SUDS: subjective units of distress scale - ask them to rate their current level of distress on the scale - even if the number is high, the **act of searching for it, introspection -> is enough to reset the security system** - it helps even more of the kid names or describes their feeling - it is hard to remain anxious when the brain is engaged in rational or creative thought. (unless you have math or art anxiety) - "I just noticed that my number is around 5, what's yours?" -> start a conversation. - kid: "I'm at x" you: "wow, that's a lot! I wonder what it would take to bring it down to x-delta?" Relaxation - the suds is a way to measure if you're technique works - if it doesn't - change it - also, different scale levels are managed with different techniques - area 8..10: crisis, panic and extreme anxiety - immediate relief is required - talk less, words can even interfere - hug, rocking, massage, humming - shake on purpose, encourage them to scream - prepare a paper "I'm having a panic attack, it is not lethal, it will past" and keep it in the pocket -> the words on your paper remind you that your life is not in danger - area 3..8: mild - self-soothing, grounding - count down from their current number down to 1, then ask them about their new current number. Might take a few iterations to lower it. - slow rhythmic activities, like pouring water or sand between containers can be relaxing - vigorous rhythmic activities that present a challenge might work (e. g., weird yoga pose) - OBOM: one breath, one movement. - area <3: Deep relaxation and tension release - getting to -3: even more relaxed than that! - various techniques, ex: deep breathing - butterfly hug - body language freeze vs flight-> encourage them with a soothing voice to breathe slowly, 'start counting' - burrito technique: wrap them into a blanket then put different ingredients on top Ipma: instant pessimistic mental assessment - > when something is rejected right away, without even trying it. # ch4 the edge The drop game (eye drops the child was afraid of) - I'll walk towards you and you tell me where to stop - approach, let them control the approach with multiple iterations - then try a drop on the nose/forehead/cheek... - then try it in the eye - Fear of heights and approaching the edge of a canyon - we will not go one step beyond what you feel comfortable with - get closer gradually To overcome a fear, you need to spend more time at the edge Flooding - kids flooded with emotions are overwhelmed and have little access to logic - they can get aggressive if pushed towards the danger - they fixate on the danger - reject soothing statements - and eventually can reject attempts to love and connect [during this session] - **learning doesn't work in this phase** - kids can get through the experience and still not learn that it is safe - children who are already over the edge _need to be pulled back to safety before progress can be made_ Avoidance - avoid avoidance :-) - avoidance of the _feeling of danger_, not the danger itself - avoidance creates detours in our lives - if it works well - you may not even be conscious of it! - avoidance can't last forever, it will break down eventually and get you into the flooding state. White-knuckling - when you grab something and hold it strongly, the knuckles get white - it works if you need to get over something unpleasant once, but doesn't work in the long run for daily experiences - during white-knuckling you cannot experience something properly (ex: nice views of a sunset while on a roller-coaster - you won't see it, you won't get to savor it). - Exposure without white-knuckling - this is needed to overcome the issue - spend time at the edge of your comfort zone and slowly walk out of it when you get accustomed to bring on the edge - how: - **stop rewarding avoidance** - **stop pushing them into a flooded or white-knuckle state** - examples - "you don't have to if you're scared" - > supports avoidance - forcing kids to do something they are afraid of - > pushes them into flooding - "just do it" - > supports white-knuckling - "don't be a baby" -> cruel form of humiliating someone who is flooded From wild to mild - People with PTSD swing wildly from flooding to avoidance - solution: reduce swing amplitude How to support properly - realize that Supporting avoidance abandons the child to their fear and anxiety! - stay with them while you push, to prevent flooding - keep pushing gently - hold their hand, stand side by side with them - if you walk towards something scarry, pause frequently to cool down - "we're going to go in, but I'll hold you for as long as you want until you are ready" - "I can feel you're trembling, I know it is scary, I'll hold you for as long as you like, and then we can go together" - dealing with separation - sneak out so they don't notice -> avoidance + can turn into flooding when the child realizes the parent is gone - preparation through relaxation + restful sleep Games - Stop and go - some rules: can't say "stop stop stop" all the time; after a while I say "go" if you don't - string - "you know how you get worried when I leave? Let's find out how far apart we have to be before it is too much?" - start with a few centimeters and keep going through iterations - keep the string under tension, so the kid can tug and feel your presence - might also work with throwing a ball to each other - secret mission (for older kids) - send them on a special mission to retrieve something, start with short distances and gradually expand the horizon - Imagine-edge - > think it, feel it, do it. - like stop and go, but only imaginary - imagine something that scares them, live through this imaginary experience. - after a few iterations, they are more prepared to face the real thing - do it when everyone is relaxed, not in the middle of a crisis :-) - use the SUDS as a metric and ask them to quantity at each iteration Talking is a good way to deal with anxiety. # ch5 expressing and suppressing emotions Guiding questions - what are you sensing in your body? - what sparked that feeling? - what thoughts do you have about that feeling? - what do you want to do next? - what do you think will happen if you do that? These questions help children integrate their feelings with their thinking. Do this instead of **jumping to "name the feeling" /"use your words" right away**. Flame model (easy for kids to understand) - every emotion begins with a spark - it then grows into a flame - if you already have a bad day, that will fuel the fire, and the same spark will make an even bigger flame - note: anxious kids often avoid dealing with their feelings, like avoiding a flame that is too hot to handle. - you can tame the flames, ex: with water (me: consider that not all fires should be extinguished with water, there are safety implications) - anything that can cool down the flame: count to 10, breathe deeply, think about something comforting, a hug Emotionally loaded memories can also fuel the flame. Empathy is a good way to tone down emotions - "you are really upset that she bumped into you" - understanding and validation are the best path to soothing and comfort The problem with "should" applied to emotions - example: a child is trembling while watching a film - you ask: are you scared? - the child answers "no, it's only a movie" - what they could mean is "I should not be scared because it is only a movie [but I am]" (me: or at least their "elephant" is scared) - this can lead to shame or guilt about feelings they're not supposed to be having, yet which are 100% valid! Getting cooked vs burning up - a flame can burn you up from the inside - you can also use it to cook something, if you find a way to use it constructively - Rumi vs rumination: nice poem about emotions as different guests in a house, they come and go. Yawnathon game - fake laugh - fake surprise gasp - fake x, etc. - # ch6 what if vs what is "Worry well, and worry once " Worry can be useful, as long as you stop when you find a solution, or when you realize you won't find a solution by worrying harder. (me: is worrying ever a solution?) Anxious whatifs - are repetitive and straining - don't lead to creative solutions. - they're alarm signals that cannot be stopped - they can lead to magical thinking Magical thinking - after 7 more comes from around the corner, the next one will be mom's - if I touch the lamp 3 times before I go to bed, I'll be safe - they're an attempt to control the future or change the past Anxious thinking can lead to certainty about uncertain things - if I go to the party, nobody will talk to me - everyone will stare at me, etc - I know that dinosaurs don't exist anymore, but what if they come back and enter our house? Anxious thoughts - trigger anxiety - you're on high alert, every sound is perceived as a burglar in the house - they lead to magical thinking - if I check the window twice I'll be safe The solution to these thoughts is to challenge them - recognize their irrationality - talk back to them - live firmly in the here and now - invite kids to develop their own challenges, instead of imposing yours - immer-driven challenges are more effective - empathize before challenging, acknowledge the thought or the state Don't try to win an argument against an anxious thought - you'll lose even if you're right - the anxious thought is fiercely defended by the anxious mind Questions are a good tool (me: reminds me of the Socratic method) - is there another possible explanation of why daddy is late, besides that something bad happened? - what did you do yesterday, when you weren't worried about dad's delay? Wonder is another tool - I wonder what allowed these anxious though to sneak into your mind today.. What's better for the second chicken to say? - **I'm not worried (set example) - >good** - there is no reason to worry (deny state perceived by anxious person) - >bad - you can't win an argument with an anxious mind by using logic (see above) Tools - playfully challenge - switch from what-if to what-is - **Fortunately / unfortunately** game - begin with a positive statement: fortunately it was a good day - other player goes negative: unfortunately it started to rain - continue alternating until the story ends dramatically :-) - this reduces the tension by showing that there's a way to get to a positive state **What if doesn't**? Game - what if there's something under the bed? - what if there isn't? - what if a shark attacks you on the way home? - what if it doesn't? **Spy-vs-spy** game - pretend anxiety is a sneaky enemy, and you have to be even sneakier - my anxiety makes me really worried about football games, but I enjoy football! So I decided to outfox it and told it they I was going to a baseball game - so it could stay home and rest. ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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not set
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Nov 27, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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Paperback
| ||||||||||||||
| 0465050743
| 9780465050741
| 0465050743
| 3.69
| 3,793
| Oct 01, 2013
| Oct 01, 2013
|
really liked it
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An inspiring autobiography that tells us about the difficulties of life in the USSR (especially as a jew) and the beauty of math. Some of the math is An inspiring autobiography that tells us about the difficulties of life in the USSR (especially as a jew) and the beauty of math. Some of the math is not easy to follow, at least not in audiobook format. Nevertheless, that was not the main selling point of the book, in my opinion. Some notes below: --------- Institutional antisemitism throughout the USSR. Roommate from Chişinău Scale the fence to break into the campus and attend lectures :-) Gelfand's seminars - unpredictable pace - entertaining - lasts as long as it has to :) The Russian tradition of math papers: extremely terse writing, due to strict size limits enforced by the publisher. Conjecture: a statement which you think is true, but for which you have no proof yet. Book about math "so what?" by Яков Исаевич ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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not set
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Nov 16, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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Hardcover
| ||||||||||||||
| 1984819097
| 9781984819093
| 1984819097
| 4.49
| 844
| Jun 15, 2021
| Jun 15, 2021
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it was amazing
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A very inspiring and dramatic personal journey from the street to the stars. Thank you for sharing your story! ---------- Some notes You can be smart an A very inspiring and dramatic personal journey from the street to the stars. Thank you for sharing your story! ---------- Some notes You can be smart and ignorant at the same time. Discipline is the training that makes punishment unnecessary. If I go back in, I won't get high, I'll get low. What you believe to be true vs what you know is true. Self-respect has little tto do with self-confidence and more with self-acceptance and self-mastery. ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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not set
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Nov 11, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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Hardcover
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| 5171326967
| 9785171326968
| 5171326967
| 3.31
| 1,001
| Feb 07, 2023
| Oct 26, 2020
|
really liked it
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A fun read... but on the other hand I feel sad about Russia.
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Notes are private!
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1
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not set
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Nov 06, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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Hardcover
| ||||||||||||||
| 0684830493
| 9780684830490
| 0684830493
| 3.81
| 1,241,850
| Sep 01, 1952
| 1996
|
really liked it
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None
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Notes are private!
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1
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not set
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Oct 27, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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Hardcover
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| 141975811X
| 9781419758119
| 141975811X
| 4.30
| 2,106
| Jul 18, 2023
| Jul 18, 2023
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it was amazing
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This is a detailed overview of the technical, creative and team effort behind games like Doom or Quake. It is written and narrated by John Romero - so
This is a detailed overview of the technical, creative and team effort behind games like Doom or Quake. It is written and narrated by John Romero - so you get to hear it straight from the man himself. I appreciate his openness and willingness to share episodes from his childhood, and the fact that he acknowledges his mistakes. Thank you, John! For the many hours of fun id games gave me, for the book, and the inspiration as a programmer, as well as a human being. -----------Notes - Alcoholic dad. - Mexican background. - Hyperthymesia - top notch autobiographic memory. - first child at 20 year old (Michael) - early projects - original games - porting others' games to new platforms - id software - id, not eye-dee - team "in demand", "ifd=ideas from the deep" - >id - Freud's term for "primitive, instinctual part of the mind" (спинно-мозговик :-) - "great tools make great games, I think it is important to spend as much time on tools as possible". - tool for transferring data between different computers [and different architectures], a proto-network; prior to that they'd just re-type the code! - installer that makes it possible to write a game to several floppy disks - game engine - level editor - music tool - Apogee sales process = bottleneck - call a 0800 number, dictate card number - it is written down on paper and pinned on a metal rod - at the end of the day someone would type them all into a word processor and eventually ship the items - test call: they were put on hold for 30min - > a non-technical bug - idea to log all keystrokes and timings and allow players to replay a game (and share replays) - >speedrun Doom - first id software game developed entirely on nextStep machines - doomEd: level editor baked into the design - it made it easy to quickly prototype - change, review, iterate Design documents - They didn't have them - projects grew organically - the game was the design document Buy a cray supercomputer - deal to put them somewhere in the game - get a discount for a real one - cray was very powerful and useful in their map processing - deal was accepted, they got a cray for 500k usd Found a floating point division bug in an Intel CPU - not immediately clear - but after thorough debugging they were certain the code was right - asked a friend who knew someone from Intel - it was a Hardware bug Quake was initially planned as an RPG, but was then turned into an FPS. - because of time pressure, low morale - they didn't have enough energy to implement their original vision - so it was "doom-like, but with a new engine" Quitting id - Romero got 0 money from quake - because their rule was to calculate compensation based on the revenues for the past year # terms - deathmatch - frag (reference to Vietnam war era military slang) - fps - first person shooter - ftp model - free to play - wad file = where's all the data - crunch time in the war room =everyone working in the same room when pressure arose, to increase efficiency and synergy :-) (what I call "zombie mode", but without a room) - mouselook = use mouse to look around and keyboard to move # lessons - don't let problems magnify: deal with issues as they arise - don't hype what you don't have - never insult your fans - trust your gut instinct - treat people well - focus on the fun - surround yourself with good people and give them what they need to do something great - support others who want to do great things (even if they do it without you) - vet your co-founders - fail gracefully, failure is a part of life; accept your flaws and try again ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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not set
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Oct 20, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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Hardcover
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| 1324036729
| 9781324036722
| 1324036729
| 4.40
| 34,087
| Apr 27, 2023
| Jun 27, 2023
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it was amazing
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Everyone should know what this book has to say. Very thought-provoking, very useful and very important. After reading this I used world.openfoodfacts.o Everyone should know what this book has to say. Very thought-provoking, very useful and very important. After reading this I used world.openfoodfacts.org to check what it is that I'm eating - and I realized that a lot of it was UPF. The diet changed after that, the book was instrumental in motivating me to change my behaviour and purchase-decisions. The notes below are truncated due to the limit imposed by ŷ. # intro - almost half of our DNA is from ancient dead virus genes, aka "junk DNA" - turns out they're not junk - they're suppressed by other genes in the cell - our own body has 2 competing parts: the part being suppressed and the suppressor - an arms race Life has only 2 projects - reproduction - harvest energy to fuel reproduction UPF = ultra-processed food - 60%+ of the average diet in the USA and UK - Arms race between food companies and consumers - def: **if it is wrapped in plastic and has at least 1 ingredient you won't normally find in your kitchen** - applies not only to junk food! - ethically grown, organic stuff can also be UPF, and promoted as healthy, nutritious, etc. Comerciogenic disease - driven by the marketing and consumption of addictive substances. Any policy that wants to deal with obesity failed so far, because they didn't frame it as a Comerciogenic disease. Poverty is the main cause of smoking. - smoking 4x higher among the most disadvantaged, compared to the wealthiest - half the difference of the death rates between rich and poor attributed to smoking # ch1 why is there bacterial slime in my food? The invention of upf Summer day: Why hasn't the ice-cream melted? Certain ingredients - reduce cost of the finished product - hence the poor are more affected - make it more warmth-tolerant - hence transportation logistics is easier (hence also cost--) - thus the good stuff is more expensive (harder to store, harder to distribute, etc.) Normal food, aka "food" has 3 main components - protein - fats - carbohydrates Old uncle Tom Cobley: expression to reference a long list of people, and even "old uncle Tom Cobley" :-) # ch2 the discovery of upf Paper by Carlos Montero from Brazil - hypothesized that the leading cause of obesity world-wide is the consumption of upf/drinks. - he proposed a classification system for foods - 4 categories of the Nove system - unprocessed, or minimally processed - fruits, vegetables, flour, pasta, meat - processed culinary ingredients - example: oil, honey, starch, butter, sugar - nutrient poor and energy dense - not useful on their own - but good combo with group1 - processed - ready-made mixtures of g1/g2, processed mainly for preservation - example: bean can, smoked meat, salted nut, fresh bread - upf - complex definition with specifics about chemicals and processes - it also includes "for the purpose of creating highly profitable products" Paper by Kevin Hall - published in "cellular metabolism" - tests Montero's hypothesis - experiment: 2 groups eat for 2 weeks, upf-free and upf-rich diets; switch to the other diet; diets had thr same amounts of nutritious elements - in the unprocessed category they lost weight, even if they are as much as they wanted Junk food was considered harmful simply because it has too much of the bad stuff (salt, saturated fat, sugar) and too little of the good stuff. But... Paper by Michael Pollen - eat food - not too much - mostly plants - but reviews found that in principle, all traditional diets are healthy - regardless of what is in the diet (and some of them are quite different) Paper by David Jacobs and Linda Tapsel - food, not nutrients, is the fundamental element of nutrition - beneficial supplements only work if consumed within a food - that is, food supplements don't work for healthy people - example: fish oil doesn't benefit us, but oily fish does. - this is especially true for beta-keratin, high dose vitamin C and vitamin E. - vitamins and supplements only work if there is deficiency - food!=food extract - # ch3 is it that bad? Details of Kevin Hall's experiment - confirmed Montero's hypothesis - both groups consumed the same amount of nutrients and they controlled for other variables - participants didn't pay for it - so it wasn't about cost - they wore baggy clothes - so they couldn't notice obvious changes in their weight - it was the upfness that made a difference - emphasize: it was not about the amounts of sugar or fat The rest of the chapter discusses the details of their study, and reviews other papers that support the findings. There's also a review of some papers that critique the Nova system, and which happen to be written by authors with a conflict of interest ;-) # ch4 the ultimate upf - Produced from lignite. - this was the first 100% synthetic food. - tested on thousands of prisoners in concentration camps # ch5 the 3 ages of eating - eat non-living stuff, like iron - as soon as life emerged - example: stromatolite layers - eat other life - ~560M years ago - eat stuff that is not found "as is" in nature - started with saccarin, an artificial sweetener - it "outsugared sugar" :-) - we eat ~8kg of synthetic molecules per year Study of 3 infants by Davis - until 1920 feeding a child was a non-problem: milk, then food - experiment - 3 participants eat what they want, vs others who eat specifically prescribed diets based on nutritional advice at the time - participants were exclusively breast-fed prior to the experiment, so no exposure to other stuff - others who had special diets - ~12 different items - kids choose themselves, nurses would not shove anything into their faces and would neither disapprove or approve of their choices - remove the tray only when the boys finished eating - they all tried a bit of everything and ate for ~15min - experiment subsequently expanded to 12 more infants - their diets were ok, they consumed as much of everything as is necessary, as if they read the papers and knew the details and amounts :-) - they had no colic, discomfort or abdominal pain after eating - no infant went 2 consecutive days without a stool - there was no fussy eating - all had good appetite - one of the kids, Earl, had weak bones (x-rays in paper) due to his mom's poor nutrition) - at some point they included a cup of cod oil into his tray, it is a source of vitamin D - he drank varying quantities until his calcium and phosphorus levels got normal (another x-ray shows that) - after that he stopped drinking the oil entirely - jagging: all participants would have a streak of days where they'd eat food X in large quantities, the suddenly stop - once safe food is established, we should let children self-regulate based on what they need - appetite is an important component of self Regulation, humans can naturally/instinctively choose to eat what the body needs (like cows, who read no papers or food labels :-) # ch6 how our bodies manage calories Obesity referenced in ancient culture. It was not widely spread, but it was there. With the beginning of the 3rd age of eating - number of obese people began to grow - this included children Parabiotic pair technique - fuse 2 mice by connecting their blood vessels - experiment: one is fed sugar, the other isn't. Both developed high blood sugar, but only one got tooth decay ;) - experiment: old mice joined with young mice - the old lived longer, the young - less - experiment: paired rats, one with a damaged hypothalamus - eat quickly and without stopping, sometimes they'd die choking on their food - the hypothalamus regulates food intake - the other rat was "wasting away", because it was getting the "stop eating signal" from its own hypothalamus. - >therefore we do have a feedback mechanism for weight control - it is implemented through Leptin, stored in fat - less Leptin = starvation signal # ch7 why it's not sugar 2012 Taub's experiment - 4w high carb diet - then 4w ultra low carb diet - in both phases they'd have the same number of calories - findings - low-carb diet lead to decreased insulin - however there was no difference in the effect of fat or sugar on metabolism - a calory is a calory, regardless of how you get it Fizzy drinks - high concentration of sugar - after an acidic drink the mouth is so acidic, that if you brush your teeth afterwards - you're brushing away your enamel! - better: rinse your mouth thoroughly, then wait ~30min for pH levels to reach normality UK: tooth decay is the most common reason children get a general anesthetic # ch8 about exercise Some authors lobby the idea that more sports will fix the obesity epidemic (rather than reduction of calory intake) Study that compared calorie intake: hunter/gatherer, farmer, sedentary office workers - Hadsa tribe - their caloric expenditure was very similar to American and European populations - this pattern is true for all populations ever studied! - > we cannot lose weight just by increasing activity - explanation: other internal processes are scales down to compensate for increased energy expenditure elsewhere. For example, in time of scarcity of food, scale down the reproductive system - we consume ~2500 calories per day, whether we sit at a desk or walk all day - **since we don't spent the energy on walking, we spend it elsewhere, like on bring stressed** # ch9 willpower Delta on weight between people with the same genes is not willpower, but the environment. - Author's brother has identical genes - but +29kg - he gained weight after moving to the USA Exposure to junk food advertisements increases junk food consumption Food desert - area where no normal food is available Food swamp - area overwhelmingly covered by upf shops, proper food is available, but is buried under a tonn of crap. More stress -> more cortisol -> higher food intake -> fat accumulation including visceral fat (around organs). Heritability of obesity can vary between 30..90% (that you'll be obese, like a parent). - how much exactly, it depends on your food environment Nagging others about their weight puts additional pressure on them. - more stress - more eating Marshmallow experiment redone on 900+ kids - socio-economic background: best predictor of whether they'll take the candy or not # ch10 how upf hacks our brains Frozen meals Some upfs act on the brain in a way similar to drugs - like nicotine or morphine - same neural pathways are triggered Many upfs are amorphic substances - shaped to look like food - "an industrially produced edible substance" (think of "Pringles chips") - without the coloring and flavoring - it would most likely be inedible - "like eating sand" Eating more salt -> requires more drinking -> peeing more often. Constipation - upf is low in water and fiber, high in salt - constipation leads to piles and an anal fissure - straining with the hard, dry stoll, drags a bit of the inner lining of the gut with it. - feels like a peanut stuck in your ass - anxiety++, work productivity--, stress++, food intake++ - # ch11 upf is pre-chewed Food matrix: food is more than the sum of its parts Experiment with apples, 1977 - feed 10 people with the following variations - apple juice without pulp, = fiber-free - raw apple smoothie, with the fiber - whole chunks of apple - participants ate this at the same speed - measure: fullness, blood sugar, insulin levels - findings - juice and pure: blood sugar spikes higher than apple - then they fell to a lower level than the initial one! - this sugar crash made all participants still feel hungry! - whole apple: sugar rose slower, then reverted to initial level slowly - fullness from apple lasted hours - note: baby food = puree, also it is expensive and profitable for the makers ;-) - the puree behaves pretty much like the juice, even though it contains the same stuff as the raw apple! And was freshly prepared! - so the matrix is important Processed foods, even if made out of good ingredients - lose the matrix! **A burger "melts" in your mouth, because it lacks the matrix -> no feeling of fullness** -> you keep eating. - our bodies have no mechanism for getting a "full" signal out of upfs - hypothesis: - since it is "pre-chewed" it is processed so quickly - that it doesn't even get to go through the entire pipeline - it seems that the "full" signal is managed somewhere in the final stages of thr gut. - you also eat upfs faster because of this Smaller jaws - if you chew more - they grow - chew less - less growth - trend in modern populations - overbite in kids - paper by Daniel Liebermann @Harvard - effects of food processing on masticatory strain and cranio-facial growth Upfs are also very dry - this hinders bacterial growth - extends shelf life - lack of dryness is what prevents rotting, rather than the use of preservatives - in Hall's experiment - dryness and softness meant that - participants are +17 calories/min more than for normal food - multiple experiments show that high-energy-density foods lead to more consumption than for regular foods -> increased body weight (across populations, genders, ages) **Foods that spend more time in the mouth make you feel fuller**. Genes for fast eating make people especially vulnerable to upf-driven overconsumption. Thin/thick milkshake experiment - same energy density - participants had as much as they liked at their own pace - thin: +47% total intake - if they were **forced to drink at the same rate -> they consumed the same amount**. Upf is not soft by accident - it is a way to maximize the quantities sold. # ch12 Upf smells funny Flavoring is required for Upf, otherwise it would taste bad and not be popular. Meta: reversepective, visual illusion used by some artists; objects closer appear farther :-) Tricks of perception - Hearing influences flavor - Smell influences taste - Example: vanilla is a molecule you smell, but if you add it to ice-cream = it is perceived as tasting sweeter (even without extra sugar) Wine experiment in Bordeaux - 54 wine experts participated - each got 2 glasses of wine: white and red - and were asked to describe them - they said white wine had touches of x y z - then tastes the red wine, and reported a b c - then they were given another pair of red-white wine - trick: the white wine in the new pair was from the same bottle as the red they previously tested; the difference was the addition of an odorless red dye - then they described the "red" wine with keywords that are typical for red wines - > **color strongly influences taste, even the experts fell for it**. - finding: color plays a stronger role than odour! Flavor! =taste Flavor = fusion (taste, smell, touch) Humans can differentiate > 1 trillion different compounds via smell. - our olfactory-related gene group is the largest of all - also the largest group among mammals - me: what about dogs? Aren't they more sensitive? - author: dogs are better at discrimination of dog urine :) - we're better at fruit and vegetable discrimination Food sensors during pregnancy experiment by Monela - in the last semester of the pregnancy - drink a big glass of carrot juice or water. - 4 days per week, 3 weeks - do this while lactating - when the infants were introduced to solid foods - check responses to mixture of carrot and cereal VS water and cereal - infants who "had" carrot juice in the womb enjoyed it more - similar experiment with garlic and others - this chain of passing on food preferences worked for generations - but it was broken when upf entered the diet and became the only food available to some mothers - this is exploited by upf makers to build brand loyalty - example: a specific brand of Cola will taste better than all the others. - food tastes different: depending on the season, harvest, drought etc. It is diverse. But UPF is rigurously the same - me: maybe this is the reason the "new coke" was withdrawn? Eating more in search of nutrition - keep eating until you find THE ingredients that you "grew up with" in the womb - me: maybe, but what if you actually find them? If You know exactly which coke to drink, why keep searching? - research in animals by Richard Doc Holiday - cows in Missouri - late rain ->bwinter food store lacked nutrition -> stillborn calves - cows lacked nutrition even though they ate +1kg more of their nutritional supplement per day (the supplement was a generic mix of everything) - cows were then given buckets to choose from, they contained different elements - example: cows devoured a bag of zinc, and they ate nothing else for a few days, then gradually going back to the other buckets too. - their original mix that had a bit of everything also contained zinc, but in small quantities, it contained way more calcium, among others. - So the cows would eat that in large quantities, but they wouldn't get enough zinc, and they over-ate in the process. - also, calcium interferes with zinc absorption -> the more the cows ate, the less they got - ultra processing reduced nutrients -> hypothesis: we keep eating because we keep looking for the nutrients. - **modern diets can lead to malnutrition and obesity at the same time** - UK kids are statistically more obese and are on average 5cm shorter than Danish and Dutch ones (the latter also have far fewer cases of obesity) - reminder: external nutrients don't cut it, they have to be embedded into their original food; fish oil - no, while oily fish - yes. # ch13 upf tastes odd - sweet - salty - sour - umami - bitter - we need 25 different genes to detect it - many bad things taste bitter - can acquire a taste for it (like coffee) Animals - cats have no sweet taste - sealions - no taste at all, they swallow food whole, but have great smell sensitivity - whales and dolphins seem to have dropped their smell entirely ...more |
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it was amazing
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Notes truncated due to review length limit - "you were so good on the flight" -> that is, obedient, quiet and not a nuisance to me. - but what are your Notes truncated due to review length limit - "you were so good on the flight" -> that is, obedient, quiet and not a nuisance to me. - but what are your long-term objectives for your children? - could it be that a bit of obedience now might interfere with long-term ambitions? Compulsive compliance - out of fear, do immediately what your parents tell you to do. - if now they do what you tell them to do -> later they'll be doing what **somebody else** tells them (but still not their own will) # ch1 conditional parenting Loving kids for - what they do: conditional, you gotta earn it by living up to someone's standards - what they are: unconditional "We gotta love them for no good reason". - not only that we have to do so - but also in a way that makes them feel that is indeed the case Karl Rogers' research - what happens to those in the receiving end of conditional love? - they end up disowning the parts of themselves that are not valued - eventually they regard themselves as worthy only when they act, think or feel in specific ways False self (based on research from uni Denver) - teens who feel they need to meet conditions to get approval may end up not liking themselves - this can lead to a false self: pretending to be someone that parents _will_ love. This is associated with - depression - sense of hopelessness - tendency to lose touch with one's true self # ch2 giving and withholding love Timeout = time out of positive reinforcement, that is - temporarily stop giving love - equivalent of "solitary confinement" Whenever "it works", always think about - at what cost, and whether there are subtle long-term issues - what "it" is, are you optimizing the right thing, or are you successful in suppressing willpower and cultivating obedience Hoffman: - love withdrawal can sometimes be worse than other forms of punishment that seem more severe at first glance - "love withdrawal may be more devastating emotionally than power assertion, because it poses the ultimate threat of abandonment or separation". - moreover, the child, unlike the parent, doesn't know when it will end, and has not yet developed all the mechanisms to comprehend the temporary nature of this situation (while the parent knows it) consequences of love withdrawal for kids who are exposed to it - lower self-esteem - poorer emotional health overall - older children who are treated this way are more likely than their peers to be depressed This can be an enduring fear, unlike fear of darkness - which we outgrow. It leads to - fear of failure as adults - avoiding attachment - Hoffman's study with 7th graders - >reduced morality - in tricky situations these children would rigidly follow rules, without taking specific circumstances or the needs of a specific individual into account - having learned to do exactly as they're told [by their parents to avoid losing love], they apply rules in a one-size-fits-all fashion. ## Punished by rewards - modern institutions have 2 tools that people in power use to elicit compliance from people with less power - reward compliance - punish non-compliance Studies (which?) found that: - praise and rewards are not a good tool to increase quality of output; - students learn better when no As are used to reward them. - it is better when descriptions of students' performance are used without attaching any grades. - rewards are very good at eliciting _temporary obedience_ - but they will not create commitment, there will be no reason to keep doing it with utmost loyalty to the cause, especially when the reward is gone) - (example: take 1000$ to take your shoes off right now -> it works, but it won't create a lifelong commitment) Study findings - children who are rewarded for bring nice attribute niceness not to themselves being so, but to the reward - when there's no more reward to be gained for nice behavior -> there's less incentive to engage in such behavior - it's not that the wrong type of reward was used, or the timing was off - the approach is wrong Motivation - intrinsic: do it for the sake of it being done - extrinsic: do it for the reward - extrinsic can erode intrinsic: if Ex grows, In is more likely to go down - this was tested with various studies that looked at different ages, cultural backgrounds, genders, tasks and rewards. - examples - get paid to have a drink -> stop drinking when no more payments are made - get paid to solve a puzzle -> stop working on it as soon as the experiment is over - Focus on **how** your child is motivated, rather than whether they're motivated at all. - it is **not the amount of motivation that matters, but the type**. Note that this doesn't only apply to material rewards, but also to praise! - praise creates pressure to keep up the good work - they're less likely to take risks, which is a prerequisite for creativity Observations from classes where teachers offer praise - children who answer a question usually do so in an interrogative manner, like "uh.. Photosynthesis?" instead of an affirmative or assertive manner - this is so not to endanger their "streak of correct answers" ;-) ## self-esteem controversy - contingent (conditional) - unconditional - # ch3 too much control The dominant problem of modern parenting is not permissiveness, but the **fear of permissiveness**. - parents are afraid to spoil the kids - so they often end up over-controlling them - micromanagement of children Parenting styles - authoritarian: strict and demanding, rarely offer explanations or justifications for the rules, expect obedience, use punishment, believe it is more important for kids to comply than to think for themselves Autocratic environments make people sick. German study from the 50s - preschool kids of controlling parents - were quieter, well behaved, non-resistant - they also interacted less with their peers - and lacked originality and curiosity Same journal in the 90s - study of 4100 adolescents - participants with authoritarian parents - scored high on a scale of obedience and conformity - self-esteem-- - OR - were overly defiant (either directly, or behind your back) ## food 2 nutritionists in Illinois ran a study - 77 kids aged 2..4 - when parents insisted kids eat only during meal times, or ensure plate is empty even if they're not hungry, or use food (esp. deserts) as a reward -> kids diminish their ability to regulate their caloric intake - these kids had few opportunities to control their caloric intake themselves and learned to **stop trusting the signals of their own body**. ## morals Same pattern applies here. Those who are told what to do are less likely to think through ethical dilemmas for themselves. ## interests Same thing, kids are less likely to keep doing something that is challenging. Experiment - parents sit on the floor with their kids <2y, playing with toys - some parents immediately begin to micromanage: do this, hold it like that, etc. - others let their kids explore, providing help when the child needed it. - later, when dealing with a new toy on their own, those with controlling parents gave up quicker. Similar outcome in another study of 6..7y - kids of controlling parents played with toys on their own - they lost interest soon - and reported that the toys were less fun ## skills and other points Kids of controlling parents are not only less interested in X, but they're also less proficient at it. Other findings for kids if controlling parents - lower intrinsic motivation - poorer self-motivation - less internalization of values and morals - poorer self-regulation - poorer feelings about one's self - this has long term effects in older age - **We need to be in control of helping then get in control of themselves**. Empowerment, not conformity; respect, not coercion # ch4 punitive damages - Punishment is ineffective, and it has long-term negative effects. - If you sugar-coat it as "consequences" - it is still punishment ;-) - non-physical punishment is still punishment, just of a different kind - "natural consequences", refusing to help a child in need via inaction -> still punishment. Example: if you're late to dinner -you'll stay hungry. - here their lesson is "we could have helped, but didn't"! Why punishment doesn't work - it makes people mad, making the experience worse - given the chance, those who feel like victims may eventually become victimizers - it models the use of power -> you surely learn that force works, but not necessarily learn what the punisher wanted you to learn - it loses effectiveness as kids grow older [and stronger] - note: it is also more difficult to find sufficiently appealing rewards ;-) # ch5 pushed to succeed "preparation H" = "prepare for Harvard" :-) Ref study on 11 and 12y kids - depression - started drinking - cause: - their parents placed emphasis on academic achievement and already spoke to them in terms of "getting into highly ranked universities" - distress - maladaptive perfectionism - these issues were not present in children whose parents were focused on their well-being, rather than academic achievement - study: "privileged but pressured, a study of afluent youth" study in the '80s: - 800 high school students - students who were competitive: "unique by virtue of their greater dependence on evaluation and performance based assessments of personal worth" - their self-esteem was rooted in how well they do in tasks and what others think of them - competition has this effect on winners and losers alike ## for whom are you doing it? - At first it seems the parents do it for the child - BIRG: basking in reflected glory, parents who derive a "vicarious sense of vindication for the success of their kids". - these parents will make it known very soon when you meet them, that their child is in the gifted children program :-) - "Red shirting" - make your kid start a year later, so they're more competitive relative to their peers when they start (because they'll be paired against younger and less developed peers) ## at school Know to see the difference between a student who studies to solve a problem and one who does it for a good grade. When you prioritize grades, the students - lose interest in the learning itself - avoid challenging tasks - to not ruin their streak - because you're essentially telling them that success is more important than learning - tend to think less deeply about the subject - skim books just to get thr bare minimum for the grade they want - they optimize for the test, rather than improvise and come up with new ideas - "**enemies of exploration**" Students who are told that an assignment will be graded are less likely - to enjoy what they're doing - and come back to it later, on their own time - compared to students who get the exact same assignment, but without mentioning grades Children who are offered incentives for good grades or given "consequences" for bad grades - less interested in learning - less likely to do well in school later on - parents pressure on achievement inversely correlated with actual achievement - control backfires Quit early, so you don't fail. Later you can refer to it as your own decision to stop. ## at play "we've decided to start swimming this year" -> I decided for my child ;) "we just want him to do his best" - > really? Do you react the same when he comes home having done his best, and when he comes home with a trophy? ;-) Working hard and delivering results - 2 different things - sometimes hard work will not yield results for reasons outside of our control # ch6 what holds us back Why do we parent the way we do? - what we see and hear - replicate our parents' practices - sometimes they're influencing us directly with comments - doctors, - strangers on a bus, etc. - what we believe - what we feel - what we fear (me: Lü addiction to sweets) - parents keep applying control methods and threats because they work (on a superficial level, you get an immediate effect, and you don't think or see the long-term consequences) - if you don't trust them, you go out of their way to control them. - study of 300+ parents: those with negative views about human nature were likely to be more controlling with their kids - conformity - some families and societies actively promote it - the more they do, the more a strict discipline will be enforce to control the kids - justice as retribution - many people believe that if someone did something bad, they should get something bad in return - "everything, including love, must be earned" - the question we should ask ourselves, is whether punishment works, and what the kids learn from it - many parents do it just be sure they think it is the morally correct thing to do - religion - "breaking the child's will has been the main task delegated to parents by many generations of preachers, whose Bible-driven policy states that self-determination is evil". - either /or thinking (false dilemma trap) - assuming there are only 2 options, and if one is bad - then the other must be good - example: **either you eat very little sweets, or you become a sugar addict**. - "either we take a hard line, or they'll get away with anything at all" Fear of being a clueless parent - can lead to accepting bad advice from people who give it with confidence - some give in to all the child's demands "behavior Problem" when referring to kid issues - we call it this way simply because we have the power - you'd never refer to your spouse as a person with a behavior problem ;-) Fear for the child's safety - reasonable precautions vs overprotections Fear of later - time to do potty training - time to teach them to read - time to start walking - > "do you really think she'll still be crawling in high school? What's the rush?" ;-) - > relax and let the child proceed at their own pace Fear of permissiveness - stoked by discipline books Some parents put their own needs first - coercing children to take the role of friend or even a parent # ch7 principles of unconditional parenting - in a study: children who were spanked got back to "bad behavior" within a few hours..the same day. - when spanking doesn't work, parents rarely doubt its effectiveness, they just assume more of it is necessary. - why have a different attitude when "being caring and supportive doesn't work"? A change of perspective is needed - instead of asking "how do I get my child to do what I want?" - ask "what does my child need and how do I support them with it?" Guiding principles 1. Be reflective 2. Reconsider your requests 3. Keep your eye on the long-term goals 4. Put the relationship first 5. Change how you see, not just how you act 6. Respect 7. Be authentic 8. Talk less, ask more 9. Keep your ages in mind 10. Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts 11. Use your NOs sparingly 12. Don't be rigid 13. Don't be in a hurry ## Be reflective The errors hardest to condone In other people - are our own (Piet Hein :-) Beware of the possibility that the way you interact with your kid could have drifted towards controlling, without you noticing it. ## Reconsider your requests Perhaps your request is unreasonable. - If the meals are good and healthy, is it really necessary to force-feed? - why does the child's room have to be maintained according to the parents' standards? ## Keep your eye on the long-term goals Sometimes quick solutions will go against long-term goals. Let's say you want to raise a compassionate person - if they spilled the milk, does that affect the long term goal? If not, adjust your reaction accordingly. Me: reminds me of "we're growing children, not flowers" from another book. ## Put the relationship first Being right isn't necessarily what matters, it matters very little in fact. It doesn't matter at all if your children stiffen when you enter the room. Misbehavior is easier to address if children feel relaxed to explain the reasons to you. ## Change how you see, not just how you act See mishaps not as infractions that require consequences, but as **opportunities to learn/teach**. **Include the child** in the process of solving the problem. ## Respect "children sometimes know better than their parents whether they are sleepy or hungry, the qualities of their friends, their own aspirations and goals, how their teachers treat them, the needs of their body, whom they love and whom they don't, what they value and what they don't". - > Accept that. Don't try to override their feelings. ## Be authentic While we should be more than just a "pal", we must never stop bring people. Don't hide behind the role of parent to a point where our humanity disappears. Apologize when this is needed: - be an example - show that you're just a human - make yourself vulnerable ## Talk less, ask more Elicit ideas from them rather than do most of the talking. A good parent listens more, rather than preaches. Avoid - rhetorical, pointless questions, ex: "why can't you look at people when they're talking to you?" :-) - questions for which there's only one right answer, and the point is for the kid to guess rather than reflect, ex: "what do you think you could say to your sister since you just bumped into her?" Sometimes not saying anything is the right thing - it is OK to be by their side, wordless, when they're sad. - hugging and holding (if the kid allows it) can convey feeling much better than words ## Keep your ages in mind Different strategies for different ages. Example: - distraction is an effective tool to take away a dangerous object from a kid - but with an older person - it is an insult to their intelligence Calibrate your expectations to what they're capable of doing. ## Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts Benefit of doubt. Remember am episode from your childhood when you were wrongfully accused - how did you feel? - what should have been done? You don't want your kids to tell stories about us in workshops when they become adults :-) Auspicious circle VS vicious circle: - if you don't have evidence of ill intent, assume it was positive. - treat kids as if they already live up to a standard we've envisioned - just because their action has a negative effect on you, doesn't mean that they had ill intent - case: kid holding a big rock, teacher asked them to "lend it to me", put it near his head to show it ...more |
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| Jun 07, 2010
| Jun 06, 2011
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it was amazing
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Notes # misc - loss of ability to focus on long text for a long period of time - Nietzsche's writing style changes after he began using a typewriter (wri Notes # misc - loss of ability to focus on long text for a long period of time - Nietzsche's writing style changes after he began using a typewriter (writing ball) - instrumentalism - our instruments have no goals of their own # plasticity - neuro-plasticity - the brain can rewire itself, it is not a fixed system - plasticity diminishes as we age, but it never goes away entirely - Hebb's rule: what fires together, wires together. - habituation - survival of the busiest - unused circuitry is repurposed to deal with tasks we're actually exposes to. - paths of least resistance - the more often we take them, the more difficult it is to turn back ## technology influences our body and mind It shapes the way we formulate sentences, for example. The way we read, and write - physically (e. G. After learning Palm's Graffiti) - logically (e. G. As if you're tweeting, using emoji) - We can find fossilized bodies and learn about the past, but we can't find fossilized minds. - We can find outputs of minds, but not the minds that produces them. - but taking into account the influence of technology on our lives, we can infer some things. - speech is natural - but reading and writing isn't - brain studies show specific areas which are specialized in handling reading and writing - this is an example of how a technology (letters) shapes us on a physical level - me: but is it? We're just repurposing a general-purpose neural network by training it with specific inputs. This specialization to read/write will not be passed on to the next generation, they'll have to train themselves. - substantial differences in the wiring of cultures who use logographic notation (hieroglyphics) VS alphabet. - the Greeks developed the first phonetic alphabet that also included vowels. 24 elements - this triggered a transition from an oral culture to a written one - in the oral culture, to preserve something you had to put it into verse or song. That's not a requirement for the written culture. - written language frees culture from the bounds of an individual's memory, rhythmical and formulaic structures requires for memorization and recitation - initially reading was done aloud (because of the foundation it was built upon) - silent reading was an innovation. - scriptura continua - as with the oral tradition without breaks in sounds, so was the first form of writing. No spaces between words. - this writing Was for the ear, not the eye - writing for the eye was a new trend - add whitespace, punctuation marks, etc. - this aids the reading process at the physical layers, allowing us to dedicate more resources to interpreting what we read. - individual writing - writing on more advanced media makes it possible to edit -> this was not the case when dictating to a scribe, for example. - it also enables the documentation of private and intimate thoughts and radical ideas, which was far less likely if you had to dictate it to a scribe. # Digital Text - even though the text is the same, scrolling and clicking relies on different neural pathways, compared to reading a book. - computer-based systems are so multi-media - text, picture, image, Animation, dynamic widgets - that's another major difference. # Internet If you don't have a specific, well-defined problem in mind, the "I'll think about it in a background thread" approach is ineffective. When you encounter a link - you spend some CPU cycles to decide whether to click or not - whereas with plaintext you just read - this is a different type of task - and it has been shown that link processing has a negative impact on comprehension and retention. - Hypertext is more cognitively demanding than plaintext - consider this in terms of Miller's magic number 7+-2: the extra stuff on the screen exerts more load on the working memory - me: what if you use a visual style that keeps interactivity, but renders all elements as plaintext? It will look the same, but still be interactive. - me: **maybe that's why my lectures are effective**? No presentations, single locus of attention and the speed of streaming is adjusted to a human pace. - experiment about teaching people about Mali - one group reads plaintext - another has rich text - plaintext had higher retention - another experiment: follow lecture (no laptop) vs follow lecture with laptop - students who had their laptop on did other stuff: browsing, clicking around unrelated stuff, etc. - **surfers had poorer comprehension even if in the other tabs tbey opened lecture-related stuff**! # instruments and numbing - if you use a loom for a while - your fingertips lose a bit of sensitivity - if you're a farmer who uses a tractor, you lose direct contact with the soil (and the information it might convey you) - technology increases our efficiency, but it also numbs us to certain things - typists might lose some of their handwriting skills - the more you rely on maps, the less you use your own mental mapping /environment perception sense - tweeters might forget how to write long sentences - a digger that switches to an excavator from a shovel is much more productive, but their muscles weaken. - me: that's my feeling towards IDEs vs plain editors; autocomplete-driven development makes it easy to build complex things without thinking too much. We program our computers, and thereafter they program us. Experiment - give participants a task to solve using a computer - group A has a helpful program that provides assistance, tips and good usability - group B has a rough UI that requires a lot of cognitive effort - at first group A is much more productive, but eventually group B catches up - after N weeks/months group B is much better at that task than group A - > better usability has a downside, gotta be careful ;-) ...more |
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it was amazing
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Very dramatic, very touching story. Some people have way more willpower than others, and can accomplish something even if severely incapacitated.
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really liked it
| Notes Replicate vs innovate - the USSR had great talents and potential - but the soviet top-down management strategy forced them to replicate American ch Notes Replicate vs innovate - the USSR had great talents and potential - but the soviet top-down management strategy forced them to replicate American chips, instead of taking their own path - since the samples spies managed to exfiltrate were not bleeding edge (usually a few years old), the soviets were always behind - also, the soviet Chip industry was fully defense oriented and secretive - to advance your career, you had to be a good bureaucrat, not a good innovator - they had good cards, but played them poorly Intel - integrated electronics Busycom - Japanese calculator manufacturer - asked Intel to build a complex chip for calculators - it then evolved into a general purpose CPU -> revolution! - # general - somewhat US-centric ...more |
Notes are private!
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not set
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Aug 26, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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Hardcover
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| 0393705951
| 9780393705959
| 0393705951
| 4.10
| 1,209
| Apr 11, 2011
| May 09, 2011
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it was amazing
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Excellent book, this should have been part of basic training for all of us. ------Notes truncated, due to review length limit. # ch1 - learn to listen an Excellent book, this should have been part of basic training for all of us. ------Notes truncated, due to review length limit. # ch1 - learn to listen and understand How relationships were studied in the past - how children make friends - remember how we made friends at age 4 and sketch a program vs observation Tolstoi's observation about "everyone is unhappy in the different ways, but happy in the same way" - > not true. Jay Hailey showed that there is more rigidity in distressed families, while happiness brings more diversity and variations. Emotion coaching ## predictors of divorce 1. more negativity than positivity - in good relationships, the pos:neg ratio is 5:1, in bad ones it is <0.8:1 2. Escalation of negative affect 3. Turning away: ignore the partner's attempts to reconnect or get support 4. Turning against: irritability, withdrawal, emotional disengagement 5. Little positivity during conflict: no jokes, no q&a, no affection, no support, no joy, no empathy -> divorce in ~16 years after marriage 6. Failure of repair attempts 7. Negative sentiment override -> a positive or a neutral message is perceived as negative. - when one is unhappy, they notice only 50% of the positive interactions with the partner 8. Retell the history of the relationship in negative terms 9. Maintaining vigilance and physiological arousal: when heart rate is high, there's more adrenaline in the system, the sense of humor gets diminished, so does creativity. 10. Chronic diffuse physiological arousal: increased defensiveness, repeating one's own position. Reduces ability to listen and empathize. 11. Failure of men to accept influence from women ## predictors of stability in marriage 1. Matches in conflict style: conflict-avoiding, bickering, harmonious; as long as the 5:1 pos:neg ratio is respected during conflict. Mismatches are signs of an upcoming divorce. 2. Dialog with perpetual issues: - 30% have problems about a resolvable issue - 70% of the couples handle an unresolvable, perpetual issue (e. g., due to fundamental personality differences) - some couples discuss them in a constructive way: dialog - others in a non-constructive one: gridlock - functional problem solving for the resolvable issues - active listening plays no major role(!) - if it works at all, it does when the speaker is "downregulated" - soft-vs-hard start - accept influence - effective repair attempts - de-escalate negativity - anger can be very dangerous - positive affect 3. Happy couples introduced issues as **joint** problems, which are **specific** to a situation - unhappy ones present them as global and persistent issues tied to defects in one's personality 4. Remain physiologically calm during arousal 5. Accept influence from the partner 6. Active building of friendship and intimacy and playfulness ## The Sound relationship house theory 1. Build love-maps: your own Mindmap of your partner's inner world (what are their hopes and worries? What are their aspirations? Do you know their mission statement in life?) - > gotta know the answers or keep looking for them. Ask, remember, keep asking. 2. Share fondness and admiration, express it verbally and non-verbally. Actively build a culture of appreciation and respect. 3. Toward vs. away: bids for attention and emotional bank accounts. Turning toward: acknowledge the bid, react to it in a positive way. Anything is better than just ignoring it. 4. A positive perspective 5. Manage conflict (not necessarily resolve). "choosing a partner = choosing a set of problems". 6. Make life dreams come true: talk openly about your life aspirations and spin it in a way that the relationship supports you on that path. Ask about your partner's life dreams, and remember the answer. 7. Create shared meaning: develop common goals and work towards them. # ch1 the trust metric ## social capital research - High and low trust regions - 2% brazilians trust people - 65% Norwegians - low-trust regions have much higher income disparities, lower political engagement, lower involvement in voluntary acts, lower levels of altruism, lower sense of community with neighbors, poorer mental and physical health, lower performance in schools - "bowling alone" book where this research is documented - a study found - income disparity - legal enforcement of contracts - social similarity across the culture - these 3 factors account for 76% of the variance in trust levels across a population - study finding - trustworthy: the most desired characteristic of a partner - positive:negative ratio (elements of an interaction) ## trust metric Measure trust and potential of betrayal ### 2-person game theory - Model any relationship with it. - Develop a pay-off matrix for pairing possible strategies of players. - Most games in life, when modeling relationships, are not zero-sum games. Von Neumann's - minimax: the highest of the low payoffs. - maximin: lowest of the high layoffs - saddle point: where they intersect Nash equilibrium - both players are doing well - neither has regrets about how they've played ## Spaff: specific affect coding system - predict divorce with great accuracy - predict how happy people will be if they stay together - how long a relationship will last, based on some interaction patterns Categories: nasty, nice, neutral ### Positive affect exchanges, nice:nice - couples don't just stay together - but they're also not miserable while at it :-) positivity during conflicts was used very precisely by partners Payoffs for positive interactions were much higher for happy couples than for unhappy ones. Couples who had higher payoffs in their nice:nice cell did these positive actions more often. Be nice to your partner even when in conflict. ### neutral:neutral An intermediate step from nasty:nasty to nice:nice. Couples that are together for a long time tend to the neutral:neutral cell. ### nasty:nasty Negative reciprocity and conflict escalation. Unhappy couples rate this as even more negative than the happy couples do. And yet, they engage in this type of behavior more often. Happy couples don't get as upset by the nasty:nasty exchanges, as the unhappy ones do. (me: this implies that even happy couples have these interactions sometimes) **absorbing state** - easy to enter, difficult to leave. - unhappy couples are absorbed by nasty:nasty - happy ones aren't - unhappy couples enter this absorbing state easier and leave it with more difficulty - happy couples - the other way around **Negative reciprocity** - going out on a limb to punish your peer, taking some damage along the way, as long as they get even more damage. Illustrated in the _ultimatum game_, where participants reject very unfair offers. _continental divide_ game - basin of attraction -> (me) some sort of an intermediary stable equilibrium - there are 2 such basins, flowing towards 3 points and flowing towards 12 points. ### 2 types of conflict resolution strategies - absorbing state nasty:nasty - effective repair Happy couples argue, but they have a repair technique they apply and which is effective. Unhappy couples either don't apply one, or it isn't effective. Sentiment override - negative: interpret the partner's action as negative, even if outside observers label it as neutral or positive. This person is hypervigilant for negativity from their partner (me: like in the happiness hypothesis, someone being vigilant for signs of disrespect, or opportunities to make money) - positive: give the partner the benefit of doubt and see them in a positive light. Microwave example - you're not supposed to turn on a microwave oven if it is empty - negative bias, hear that as: you asshole, you're not supposed to turn thr microwave on if there's nothing in it - positive bias: I'm sorry sweetheart, but I have a little remark, not a big deal, it's just that I read somewhere that it is not safe to turn the microwave on if there is no food inside. People who have a negative sentiment override are "running on empty" in the friendship part of the relationship - they feel disrespected - unappreciated - or unloved - they see the partner as the adversary - trust began to erode Things to measure - How much can you count on your partner changing **their behavior** to help you maximize your own points? - how much does their change in behavior **motivate you to change your own**? - multiply these to get a single number for _trust metric_ **validity of trust metric** The calculated trust metric correlates well with levels of X during conflict - verbal aggression - skin conductivity (transpiration, arousal) - less disappointment in the relationship - fewer thoughts of divorce - less disgust, contempt and domineering during conversation Trust is low when you are in the nasty:nasty cell. Trust - permits action with incomplete information - reduces complexity of transactions - reduces transaction costs It makes transactions smoother, you can think about your next steps without having to consider the long history of previous interactions, to determine whether the next one will be safe or not. On the other side of the spectrum - you turn into a private investigator, always on the lookout for violations of trust (me: like in Happinness hypothesis, if you have a fixation on something). Storyjoke - do you love me? - I do - but do you really love me? - I do -... - do you really*N love me? - I think so - I knew it! Unhappy do nasty:nasty more often than happy ones, even if they are aware of the negative payoffs. - me: it means the behavior is not rational - me: we're not homo economicus # ch3 metrics of trustworthiness and betrayal Van Neumann advocated for a preemptive nuclear strike on the USSR. Rapport advocated for peace. Different approaches to optimization - van Neumann, lack of trust - > best of the worst values - Rapoport - >best outcome for everyone # ch4 physiology of trust and betrayal Emotional flooding effect - think of hurricane Katrina and how many families were not worried when flooding began, even when their homes were slowly affected. Only when the flooding reached a critical threshold did they realize the gravity of the situation. În their la experiment of couple arguments - heart rates go as high as 168bpm - when you're flooded, you perceive things as potentially life threatening - this pushes you towards nasty:nasty Happy couples are less flooded, hence less likely to end up in or linger I nasty:nasty. Unhappy couples do these more often than happy ones (the 4 horsemen) - defensiveness: defending one's own innocence, denying responsibility, cross-complaining, whining. - stonewalling: listener's withdrawal from interaction. - contempt: a statement made to put a partner down and maintain a higher moral ground - claiming to be better than the partner on any dimension - interrupt to correct someone's grammar when they're angry with you - husband's contempt predicts the number of the wife's infectious illnesses for the next 4 years - best predictor of divorce - frequency of contempt in happy couples is nearly 0 - criticism: suggesting that an issue is caused by a partner's personality flaw. - You always/never X - they're more harmful at the start of a conversation, as they set the tone - the first 3 minutes predict the outcome very well in 96%; criticism = "harsh start". Unhappier husbands have higher skin conductance -> sweating more during conflict. This reliably predicts a decline in marital satisfaction in the next 3 years. Experiment: - stop am argument and ask the couple to take a break - a: read magazines for a while - b: perform a psychological exercise for a while to lower heart rate - then they're asked to resume the argument - check if there's a delta depending on the heart rate at the time the argument was resumed - reducing heart rates made the interaction better, but only for men. - reducing women's heart rate wasn't associated with less frequent appeal to the 4 horsemen. Antidote for flooding - self-soothing - Co-regulation - borrowing our partner's cerebral cortex :-) Whenever one says they're flooded -> gotta take a break, otherwise escalation will lead to nothing good. Some couples can't do it because they really have to say what they want to say. Unhappy couples have no ritual for taking a break when flooded. - at least 20min - epinephrine and norepinephrine don't have enzymes to degrade them - so they must be diffused through blood, which takes at least 3min - because decay is slow - the break requirement is estimated to be ~20min - and it **must** be relaxing, otherwise your thoughts will just keep refreshing the substance. - and it cannot be an excuse to avoid talking, they have to get back to the discussion eventually **Vagal tone** plays a key role in self soothing: - vagus nerve (vagabond) - vagal tone measures how active our body is, it can calm everything down - it is not genetic, it is something you can work on (like muscle tone) Dpa: diffuse physiological arousal - can happen automatically - (me: managed by the elephant) - affects many systems at the same time (hence diffuse) - inhibit the vagus nerve - fight or flight mode is engaged - focused attention - this also happens during a relationship conflict, not only when physical threats arise - empathy, sense of humor et al. get de-prioritized It is important to **detect when you or your partner are in DPA and soothe** each other. Self-assessment 51-item questionnaire, ex: 1. When my partner gets angry, I feel attacked 2. I just don't understand why he/she has to get so upset 3. After a fight I just want to keep away 4. My partner's feelings are too easily hurt. 5. Suddenly small issues become big ones ... ## brain physiology and trust Experiment - you're in fmri - shocks are sent to your toes - if you're happy and your spuse holds your hand - the body's reaction is calm - if you're in an unhappy relationship, the partner's hand has no effect (same for a stranger's hand) - also replicated with gay and lesbian couples -> trust gives us physiological benefits. Trust hormone - oxytocin and vasopressin (for men) - oxytocin responsible for mother/child bonding - experiment with investors who got an oxytocin nasal spray (they were more willing to give, more trusting). ## trust and death People who reliably die young - lonely - socially isolated - disconnected - usually men Study: Some immigrant populations had much better health than non-immigrant Americans. - example: Chinese - different diet, low in fat - but it was found that it wasn't about the diet, but about building a community - strong family connections override hard work for low salaries,stress, homesickness, etc. - the quality of the relationships also matters a lot. - it is important to **trust people who are trustworthy** Loneliness - inability to trust. They miss the enormous benefits of good social connections. Lonely people are deficient - in empathy - in reading other people - in social skills - they have troubles regulating their sourness and hostility - they focus on potential threats - they have higher blood pressure Trust and blood velocity - high correlation between wife's trust metric and slower blood velocity of both partners - how much she trusts him is what matters physiologically to both **Mutually synchronizing exchange limbic regulation** - rely on another person, maybe your spouse or partner, to control your body's systems - like an external clock source - hormone levels - cardiovascular functions - immune system responses - this happens reciprocally - works with parents/infants, and with adult lovers Warm relationship with mom - better health in life - father's love has an additive effect # ch5 when it's time to bail out of a relationship "the story of us" switch Oral history interview (ohi) - questions about a couple's history - let them talk, minimum interference - long interview, ~2h Memory is lossy - this is due to how it is stored - each time you remember something, it is slightly altered - if there are inconsistencies, memories are patched to make a better fit :-) Relationship dimensions captured via OHI - funness and admiration (love and respect vs lack thereof) - weness vs menness (togetherness vs me) -> the more often we-words occur in an interview, the more satisfied the partners are with the relationship - questionable summary] love-map (how much of one's mind is preoccupied with the relationship state) - chaos vs purpose and meaning: things happening to the couple uncontrollably, vs their own agency and power to change the world around them - disappointment or satisfaction: the relationship isn't what they thought it would be, they don't recommend others to get married, they're depressed about the relationship, disillusioned, bitter. Further analysis shows that they all can be represented by one dimension: do we focus on the positive stuff, or the negative stuff? - emphasize the good time together and minimize the bad time - emphasize the partner's good traits and minimize the annoying ones -... Or the other way around Note that the positive stories in the OHI didn't come from people who had flawless pasts. - everyone has ups and downs - but how do you interpret these events and what do you choose to focus on -> that's what matters # ch6 how couples build trust with attunement **sliding door** moments: small moments in which a need is expressed, and the partner's responsiveness acts as a test. Will they turn to our need? **regretable incidents** **conflict** (in Rapoport's terms) Parenting and emotions (this can vary for each emotion) - **Emotion-coaching** parents: - understand what the child is feeling, empathize - notice low-intensity emotions in themselves and their children - these moments are seen as an opportunity to teach - see negative emotions as a healthy part of normal development - not impatient with the child's negativity - help the child Label each emotion they feel - communicate the family values - set limits if there's misbehavior: although all emotions are acceptable, not all behavior is. - apply problem-solving when there's negative affect without misbehavior - **emotion-dismissive** parents: - handle with distraction, or change how you feel, impatient with the children's emotion. ...more |
Notes are private!
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not set
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Aug 23, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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Hardcover
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| 1529342694
| 9781529342697
| B07RNKK6J9
| 3.72
| 3,352
| Sep 02, 2019
| Jan 09, 2020
|
it was amazing
|
Excellent book, this is one of the most important books I read in 2023; I should have read it much earlier. I followed his advice and quit the news "c
Excellent book, this is one of the most important books I read in 2023; I should have read it much earlier. I followed his advice and quit the news "cold turkey". It was great; though I relapsed after a few weeks. Nevertheless, the daily news intake was significantly reduced and continues to decline. Thanks, Rolf! ------Notes News = entertainment. Author's recollection about childhood: The newspapers were always of the same size, regardless of how much has (or hasn't) happened :-) Unlike with alcohol - there are no barriers for getting hooked on the "news drug". Self-test questions when reflecting upon your news-reading habit: 1. Do you understand the world better now? 2. Are you making better decisions? # ch3 News is to the mind, what sugar is to the body. If the newspaper is ad-driven, what is their incentive to provide information that is relevant to you? # ch4 radical abstinence Just go cold turkey and quit reading news + ignore attempts to have them pushed to you. When starting a new book: if after 20 pages it hasn't expanded your knowledge -> dump it. Textbooks are good sources of info. Long-read articles written by experts might be good. (my observation: news are pushed aggressively by Android, Windows, Bing, and they're enables by default) **don't let your focus be guided by news media** (me: or anything else except your own willpower, [ex: distractions on stackoverflow - questions from other branches, which have nothing to do with what I was looking for]). # ch5 30day plan Give it a try for 30 days, full stop. This is enough to begin noticing the benefits, so you won't want to go back. If something important happens in the world - you'll know about it soon enough :) When meeting a friend, ask them if anything newsworthy occurred. (me: the model works if you're the only one who doesn't read the news, but what if neither of your friends or acquaintances don't either?) # ch6 the soft option Reduce in a less dramatic fashion. # ch7 news is irrelevant Which of your important decisions were actually influenced by the news? Author's experience - worst thing that happened to him by not following the news is that he didn't know his flight was canceled because of a volcanic eruption in Iceland. Best case scenario - news = entertainment. Suppose there is one genuinely useful piece of info for you in the news - how much bullshit do you have to sift through to get to it? Is it worth it? Can you leave the process of selection of important news to the journalists? **no** Thought experiment: mosaic (the browser) Was released on November 11th 1993, how many news sources reported this at the time? None! In Germany they wrote about party funding, the pope fractured his shoulder, someone had a meeting with Bill Clinton, etc. Nobody wrote about mosaic, even though this was one very powerful and transformative technology, which still influences the world today. There's no strong link between relevance and media attention. Author's observation: the items journalists don't report on are usually the ones we want to know about. To the Media, relevance = whatever grabs attention. In practice, for each of us relevance is an individual preference. **Relevant vs new** - today's main battle, each of us go through. If the news gave you a competitive advantage - news journalists would have been the most successful and richest people in the world ;-) # Ch8 news is irrelevant, part 2 Thought experiment: if the world were 4 times Bigger, there would be more news and it would take more time to process the - you'd have to cut down your news consumption to be able to have a decent life. If you can do it in the thought experiment, why not do it in this world too? # Ch10 news gets risk assessment wrong Our mind reacts stronger to certain things than to others - the media exploit that. (me: think of it in terms of rider/elephant) Stuff that matters goes under the radar. Example: a car falls of a bridge - media will report about the driver, their family story, show shocking pics of the wreck - what we actually need: did the bridge fail or did the car? What was the root cause? Are there other bridges with similar defects? Example: tax clerk conducts fraud that makes the state lose millions - media will report about the criminal's personal affairs, background, relationships - what matters: how did he get past the filters, how to change the security policies to avoid repetitions, who didn't notice the loophole, etc. **Think about what the news downplay and overplay**. # ch11 news is a waste of time - time consuming it - time to refocus your attention - impairs your focus long after you've read the news (e.g., memories of some photos can haunt you a long time) - pew research center estimate: 58..96min of news consumption per day. - the more educated, the more minutes - refocus: ~3min per occurrence -> 1 month/year! Think about the collective time lost. # Ch12 news obscures the big picture Confuse the presentation of facts with insight into how the world works. The journalists who do have the skill to do it well - aren't given enough resources to do so. The newspaper optimizes for what sells better. - readers will prefer 10 junk stories to a good long-read Experiment about predicting horde race results - participants are asked to place a bet - and say how confident they are - participants in a separate group were given data about each horse, health status, etc. - those with more data had the same rate of success as the others, but they had a much higher level of confidence ;-) # Ch13 news is toxic to your body Negativity bias - our bodies react stronger to negatives, it is better to err on the safe side (unless you're prepared to be wiped out as a species :-) (me: link to happiness hypothesis) Exposure to news causes more stress, which in turn weakens the immune system. **Willpower is depleted as stress goes up -> procrastination** - >vicious cycle. # Ch14 news confirms our mistakes There are ~120 cognitive errors in our thinking process. (fallacies, traps) Confirmation bias What specific facts would you have to learn in order to change your mind? - > test question. If there's no answer, or the answer is null - > the person is locked in a dogmatic mindset. Ask yourself too! # Ch15 news reinforces hindsight bias The world is a complex place, events are usually caused by a number of things and the connections between them. However, one often attempts to atribute events to one particular cause. The news exacerbate this "single cause" pattern, because authors rarely state that they present just a subset of the big picture -> readers are under the impression that the single event X is behind it. Think of my own history books, and how they listed a few reasons for event X, like "3 reasons that started world war 2" - > that's a gross oversimplification. News reports are often presented as analyses, but they're usually anecdotes. # ch16 news reinforces availability bias We're biased to think about what is in front of us or what is already loaded in our cache. The news often ends up in our caches, because of aggressive promotion -> we're letting journalists set our agendas for us, and thus influence our decisions. "Dealing with a disaster" is easier to report on than "preventing a disaster". Think about a story about a fire that never occurred -> this wouldn't be a very "clicked on" article. Another problem: if something didn't happen, it doesn't mean that it is not important. But the news are biased towards reporting on what happened. Examples - absence of an inflation, even though it was anticipated [because someone artificially prevents it for now] - the euro is still strong, even though a collapse was predicted - a post-quantum crypto apocalypse didn't happen [because we took the right measures in time ;-] Journalists are blind to such absences, because they're hypervigilent regarding what is happening. # ch17 news keeps the opinion volcano bubbling We form opinions about anything, even if we're not experts in X. The same applies to others - why should we expose ourselves to their unqualified opinions? Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. Marcus Aurelius:... "You are at liberty not to form opinions about everything, thereby sparing your soul unrest. The things themselves demand no judgments from you". # ch18 news inhibits thought - news turn you into a shallow thinker - thought requires concentration, it requires uninterrupted time, news break your stretches of uninterrupted time. You wouldn't take a 1min trip to Paris, you wouldn't watch a 3min compressed version of a film... **A wealth of information creates a poverty of attention**. # Ch19 news rewires our brains News rewires us, so we function differently even when not actively reading the news. Our attention span shrinks. Experiment: - bus drivers (follow the same route daily) - taxi drivers (go all over the place) - initially - no delta - later - bus drivers were more likely to notice new things that changed on their routes (like buildings or artistic, while taxi drivers were less likely to notice them Similar observations with musicians, Thus, rewiring occurs on a physical level. We lose or diminish some abilities, among them - impulse control - attention - Moral deliberation # ch20 news produces fake fame Fame by competence, merit, achievement... Versus "celebrities and influencers" -> they're on our radar, but for no good reason, they're just put into our attention by the news. This is **fake fame**. # ch21 news makes us smaller than we really are We all arrange ourselves in hierarchies. Status has significant effects. - findings of study about low-status people by Michael Marmot - die earlier - have weaker health - suffer more frequently from depression The news makes the already brutal hierarchy even more so, by reporting disproportionately more often about the beautiful and successful. Consuming the news widens our pool of competitors to include the entire world -> on such a scale you're always exposed to info about people who are higher in any hierarchy you can imagine. # ch22 news makes us passive It reports about things that happened and you have no influence over. **Learned helplessness** Experiment by: Seligman and Meyer, 1960 - electric shock to a rat's tail - small shock - group A can press a button to make it stop, group B had a button which had no effect on the shocks - later: group A had no change in personality, group B became shy, passive, lower sex drive, aversion to new things, anhedonia, fear of ambiguity Learned helplessness spills over to all the domains of our lives, not just news consumption. Devote your energy to the things you can control. Understand that the news is mostly about things you cannot. # ch23 news is invented by journalists Good ones think deeply and do fact checking. But others do a sloppy job and risk nothing. If they write some crap article, they have no skin in the game - nothing bad will happen to them. Think of investors or entrepreneurs: if they make a mistake, they feel it right away on their bank account! No chef who cares about their food would start a career with McDonald's :-) # ch24 news is manipulation Hard to distinguish between unbiased news and concealed advertisements. Upton Sinclair: when you read your daily paper, are you reading facts or propaganda? Digital fake news - costs almost nothing to produce - is easily targeted to specific audiences - AI makes it difficult to spot the well-crafted fakes # ch25 news kills creativity Before you read anything, think about it and formulate your own opinion. Otherwise you will be influences by what is written. Creativity requires concentrations. The news is delivered in small bits, it is distracting -> it hinders creativity. Time spent grazing on unrelated fields is time _not spent_ on your main quest. If you really want it - set aside some time each month and go to a book store to soft through the new literature. **Don't spend a lot of time reading random news daily, hoping that you will will stumble upon an idea that will catapult your career to a new level**. # ch26 news encourages crap Sturgeon's law 90% of everything that is publishes is crap. # ch27 news and the illusion of empathy Reading news doesn't unite us, what does is cooperation, spending time together, etc. Volunteer's folly: go to Sahara to build a well vs. stay at home and work well, then donate the money so professionals can build 10 wells in the time it would've taken you to build 1. (me: this reminds me of Bloom's "against empathy" -> it doesn't nudge you towards doing what actually matters or has the best bang for the buck). Potential argument: if I don't follow the news, I don't know what worthy cause to contribute to. Retort: no, because the news doesn't necessarily report what is relevant, it reports what earns clicks, is visually striking, etc. # ch28 news encourages terrorism Terrorism optimizes for perceived threats, the aftermath of an attack. Without press coverage, such matters would be local. Ref: independent city în Switzerland + bomb in Bern. Stats: - since 2001 terrorists kill an average of 50 people per year in the EU - 80K die yearly in traffic accidents. - 60K suicide. Terrorists are powerless - they need the media to get things done. (me: as Harari wrote, it is like a bull in a China shop, get a fly into its ear). # ch29 news destroys peace of mind Peace of mind requires absence of toxic emotions like: envy, anger, self-pity. But the news triggers and catalyzes these. 99% of the events in the world are out of your control - don't let them bother your inner peace. Focus on what you can control. Epictetus: you become what you give your attention to. # ch30 not convinced? Exercise: - Columns for the last 10 years. - remember and write down the most important news for each year - at the bottom of each column write the most significant personal achievements and events for the same period - consider whether those news reports had any impact on the personal events you wrote down # ch31 democracy part 1 and 2 But if we don't follow the news,... - how to decide who to vote for? - who keeps an eye on those in power? You don't need the media to form an informed opinion. - debates - public gatherings - pamphlets - essays - books, etc. Look at **what the candidates have achieved** so far, before looking at what they're promising ;-) You might have to Google it and end up on news sites - that's OK, you're the initiator and you have a concrete mission. For referendums - think for yourself :-) - discuss it with your friends Who keeps politicians in check? - investigative journalism - explanatory reporting The current click-bait format doesn't accommodate these at all. Explanatory reporting can be served by long-read articles or special podcasts. Prioritize these and hope that market forces will drive the others out of extinction. # ch33 the news lunch Meet people at lunch and talk to them. Was it a successful lunch? Self-test question: did I learn something true and relevant? # ch34 where is the news headed Trends - more news and more news stories, while relevance is reduced - news is be happening all the time - algorithms get better at understanding us, news targeting via pressing your emotional buttons - news drifts further and further from the truth # ch35 how it feels Example: a king was beheaded. Until then people always lived with the assumption that monarchy is a given. But after thr execution life went on and it turned out that there was no need for a king at all. Same thing with the news. # my notes He's making a good point and has strong arguments. Though I agree with him in principle, I think he creates a false dilemma, in which you're either with or without news, and thus happy xor unhappy. ...more |
Notes are private!
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not set
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Jul 10, 2023
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Dec 22, 2023
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Kindle Edition
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| 1982113499
| 9781982113490
| 1982113499
| 4.18
| 10,143
| May 07, 2019
| May 07, 2019
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it was amazing
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As a fan of Mythbusters, I was curious to know more about Adam's background. This was a great and inspiring read. Notes ----- Nothing we make turns out e As a fan of Mythbusters, I was curious to know more about Adam's background. This was a great and inspiring read. Notes ----- Nothing we make turns out exactly as we imagined. It is not a bug, but a feature. An object at rest will remain at rest unless an external force acts on it. The same principle applies to getting started - > you have to be the external force that kicks your own butt in order to overcome the inertia of inaction and indecision. Obsession is the gravity of making, it moves things. If you follow your passion, you are more likely to **do** things. I was the patron saint of "mediocrity+1". (get started with something new, practice until you get a bit better than "mediocre" and then move on to other endeavors) "Songs are like fish, you just have to cast your line in the water" (quoting someone else, in the context of inspiration) "all great things have a champion, someone who lives and breathes with the project". The tragedy of war is that it is envisioned by idiots and executed by professionals. Checklist manifesto - > he likes it too. A culture of organizing work as lists, including the trick of using an incomplete mark to indicate progress for a given item. There is no skill in the world that gets better the less sleep you have. Trying to be a hero is a terrific way to become a villain. You have to give everyone complete autonomy within a narrow bandwidth. (quoting Guillermo del torro in the context of managing teams and large groups of people) ...more |
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Dec 22, 2023
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| 1682477428
| 9781682477427
| B09KVBW4G6
| 3.94
| 190
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| Feb 15, 2022
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liked it
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An interesting read, I rate 3.5 stars. I found the second part of the book much more engaging than the first one. Some notes --------- - AI and AGI, huma An interesting read, I rate 3.5 stars. I found the second part of the book much more engaging than the first one. Some notes --------- - AI and AGI, humans in the loop - Supply chain control - Disinformation We don't know what is war and what isn't. - combat-space is shrinking, war-space is expanding Strategic decisions are more important than tactical ones. Tactical mistakes can be corrected swiftly, while strategic ones can have very long lasting effects. Information warfare - the internet is now a battlefield - because the barrier of entry for such warfare is very low - assume everyone does it - successful military institutions **must** be able to leverage information - Jeffrey Blamey: - It is doubtful that since the 1700s wars were started with the belief they'd be a long war. - no wars are unintended or accidental - what is often unintended: the length and bloodshed of war - wars are usually more expensive than what the belligerents thought The institution must be a learning organization + foster creativity at all levels. Emphasize decentralized control and give people what they need to decide and act autonomously. Military actions are a means to an end. If you don't understand the end, no means will accomplish it. Then you're just involved in slaughter. OODA loop: - observe - orient - decide - act Organizational learning disability - check whether your org has it - make necessary changes Good leadership is a core part of a successful military institution. **System3 thinking**: fusion of biological and artificial intelligence (term coined by Frank Hoffman, nicely done!) Progression of a military trainee: - Generics - Each stage must be additive. - gotta become an expert in at least one area 1. Build a professional foundation - learn to learn - to express thoughts - ethics - develop technological literacy - cooperation with robotic systems - instill discipline - physical and mental fitness 2. Develop tactical mastery - understand purpose and procedures of joint integrated operations - sharpen leadership skills - learn to convince others to do challenging things - learn to trust those you lead - learn from failure 3. Operational artist - gain experience in higher level joint ops - move above the tactical level -> operational - operational level: links tactical application of force to national strategic objectives - determine how, when, where and for what purpose military forces will be employed - think of ways to improve your own institution 4. Nascent strategist - think strategically, understand policy and use influence - even sharper tech literacy + understanding trends - understand organization theory, institution culture theory, change management methodologies - facilitate change and innovation - intellectual humility to acknowledge that we always learn, even when you're in the highest positions in the hierarchy 5. National security leader - influence and implement national strategy, holistically - design and maintain an effective joint force - advise political leaders to align strategic goals - integrate your objectives with those of your allies - must know how to win - define criteria for success # Leverage sci-fi - the Canadian defense force was among the first institutions to hire sci-fi writers to come up with "exotic" scenarios (and do it openly) - Karl Schröder was commissioned to write "Crisis in Zefra?" to illustrate emerging concepts that might become part of the Canadian forces in the future - 2013, "war stories from the future" by August Cull - to examine future conflicts through the lens of sci-fi - 2016, similar project by US marine corps - 2018, Australian defense College did something similar - 2019, France builds a red team to come up with scenarios of disruption - Peter w. Singer + August cull - > "ghost fleet", "burn in". Benefits of sci-fi - changes the paradigm and makes you think of things that aren't part of your regular experience - broadens the mind - makes you think of something other than current events or history - inspire and nurture creativity # learning - Continuous - remote should be a first class option (in a post-covid era) - ## augmented cognition - brain-computer interface - crowd-driven cognition - adaptive learning system - Cognitive load and performance - ai extenders (no autonomy for the AI) 5 PRIORITIES - enhanced memory - attention and search - comprehension and expression - planning and executing activities - meta cognition None of the above have any ethical issues, since there is no AI making decisions, it is 100% human driven. # key points - war will remain human-centric and human-driven - ensure military actions are aligned with the political course of the country - not every national security issue has a military solution - practice interop with allies - continuous training - learn to rapidly adapt new technologies and practices at "the speed of need" (not the "speed of committee") - the surprise element will continue to be critical, since humans will continue to be humans - humans need to stay in the loop - understand how other cultures see war, to better understand enemies and allies alike ...more |
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Jan 05, 2023
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| 6,474
| Mar 02, 2021
| Mar 02, 2021
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it was amazing
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I really liked his first book and I had great expectations for this one - I wasn't disappointed. Hawkins' devotion to the cause is impressive, especia
I really liked his first book and I had great expectations for this one - I wasn't disappointed. Hawkins' devotion to the cause is impressive, especially when you consider that his entire Palm Inc endeavour was just a secondary quest towards the main goal of understanding how the brain works. Now I am looking forward to his next book and further research results. In this book he argues why the current designs of neural networks are limited in what they can do, and that a change of paradigm is needed if we want to get past the plateau. He relies on the findings of his research to make proposals about the nature of these changes. Raw notes -------- The neocortex doesn't control other parts of the body directly, it has no direct links to them. Instead, it calls some API functions of the "old brain" to request certain adjustments or actions to be performed. Unlike the old brain, which has specialized regions for specific functions, the neocortex is a generic instrument. It doesn't have areas that are somehow physically distinct, based on what they do - it looks like a homogeneous structure. (interesting comparison: you won't see country borders of you look at the planet from above) However, it does have areas that perform specific functions, which would be lost if those areas were damaged. Note that there's nothing "motor" about the motor cortex, and nothing X about the X-cortex. It is a generic structure that was trained for a specific purpose, that's all. Or, to be more exact, it is a matter of what inputs it is connected to (eyes, ears, etc.). Todo: check illustrations by Kahal We found that all regions of the neocortex have connections to motor related areas in the old brain. (probably feedback loops for input adjustment: move eyes or your head [hence the ears]). Vernon Mountcastle/Darwin comparison: variations we see in the species are just manifestations of a very simple low-level algorithm followed by genes (propagate themselves). If we could understand the low-level algorithm of the cells in thre neocortex, we'd be able to understand the whole thing. However - Darwin knew the algorithm, but didn't know where and by which means it was implemented (genes) - Mountcastle didn't know the algorithm, but knew where it was implemented -> **cortical column**. - a layered vertical section of the neocortex - mice: a column is ~0.5mm in diameter - cats: ~1mm for Vision columns - no data for humans, but assume we've got ~150k of those - The cortical columns are not physically distinct. But we know they're there because the cells in a column respond in the same way to specific stimuli. - They're further subdivided into ~100 minicolumns. - Each minicolumn contains about 100 neurons, spanning all of its layers. Supporting arguments for this homogeneous arch: - we see via microscopes that everything is pretty much the same - evolution didn't have enough time to specialize, but sufficient time to scale by replicating (talking about the neocortex); we know from archeology that the neocortex grew very fast. - humans can learn things for which there were no selective pressures (programming is an exemple). - people with congenital blindness do not get any useful inputs in their visual cortex, do the cells are repurposed for other tasks. # ch3 modeling The neocortex is a prediction machine. It makes many predictions at any second, related to what will happen to our context (objects in it, other people, our position, etc). Anything that breaks the prediction is immediately brought into focus. ## learning through movement We learn by observing the difference in inputs when we move. **Sensory-motor learning** examples - exploring a new house requires moving from room to room and observing - learning about a computer mouse - look at it from various angles, touch its various parts, press widgets on it - (note to self: but we also have purely abstract models, like trigonometry or democracy, motion can't be the only way to learn) ## Tenets 1. Thoughts, ideas and perceptions are the activity of neurons - usually only about 2% of the neurons are active any given time. So what you perceive depends on which 2% we're talking about. 2. Everything we know is stored in the connections between neurons - when 2 neurons fire at the same time, their connections are strengthened - alternatively, it gets weaker if they don't fire together - this is Hebbian learning (note: I learned about it from "a general theory of love") - forgetting happens when unused connections are weakened or removed entirely # ch4 The assertion that the brain is the most complex thing in the universe doesn't imply that understanding its modus operandi will be extremely difficult and that its complete model will be very complex. Analogy: the motion of planets on the sky. At first it seemed complicated, all the observations gave data points that were hard to reconcile. But once a key insight (they orbit the sun) was known, everything fell into place. Key insights in brain research 1. The brain is building prediction models - there are neurons that fire when we see X - and neurons that fire when we predict we'll see X - + we need a mechanism for differentiating between imagination and reality - as well as some abstraction layer on top of this, because we're not aware of the thousands of predictions generated every second - usually we become aware of the predictions that were wrong 2. Predictions occur inside neurons - sequence memory, it can be used when predicting the next note in a melody. We sit and do nothing, the notes just come into our ears, there is no motion per se. - another type of predictions is made when we anticipate something to happen as a result of our actions; if I press a button, I expect a reaction; if I turn a key, I expect a click, etc. Mountcastle postulated that the same neurons make both types of predictions, otherwise there would be different types of cortical columns. Hypothesis about what neurons ought to be able to do - take context into account, i. e., not just the current note, but also N previous ones - identify the tube based on partial input, that is, play "name that tune". A sequence of notes can match several songs, you have to continue listening until you can disambiguate, keeping all candidates in mind in the meantime. Neurons can enter a predictive state, that is, they are primed to fire, but didn't fire yet. They enter this state when an input pattern is tentatively identified. Unexpected activity causes a lot more activity than expected one. This was published in a 2016 paper "why neurons have thousands of synapses". For making the second type of predictions, the neocortex ought to be able to attach a reference frame to an object it deals with. Say, if I am about to touch a cup, and I want to predict what surface shape it will be, it depends in which part of the cup my fingers will touch. So I need to know the position of my fingers relative to the cup, regardless of how the cup itself is rotated or tilted. In other words, a system of coordinates is produced, rooted in the cup, and the predictions are made within that particular system of coordinates. Many of these reference frames are generated, for each part of our body that is in contact with an object (or parts of an object). Hypothesis -> **most of the neocortex is there to generate and manage these reference frames**. # ch5 maps The city map analogy - imagine you know 100 cities, you have a map for each of them. If you look around, you see something - you can compare that with each of the 100 maps and determine where you are. If there are multiple hits, you move around in order to get new input and eliminate some candidates, until only one remains. The brain runs this search operations continuously, so it must be able to search through 10 maps as fast as it can through 100 or 1000. In other words, the search should run in constant time. Note to self: It makes sense, if we're in the context of physical space, but what about abstract concepts? Would "cosine be a bit lower than sine" in some "latent conceptual space"? Maybe the same mechanism was simplified and reused to form a graph data structure of connected nodes, considering only connections, rather than their "direction". A mindmap, basically. # ch6 abstract concepts All knowledge is stored in reference frames, like the idea of a mindmap I described above. If so, then the hypothesis implies 1. Reference frames are present everywhere in the neocortex. 2. Reference frames are used to model everything we know, not only space-related stuff. 3. All knowledge is stored in locations relative to reference frames -> that is, every new bit of knowledge is integrated into a mindmap, to make it actionable. 4. Thinking is a form of movement ## what? vs where? pathways - what: starts in the back of the brain and moves to the sides - where: same start, but ends on top - discovered 50+y ago - they work in tandem: if you disable the what part, a person can reach for an object, but they don't know what it is, until they touch it (and thus rely on other signals to identify it), and vice versa. Note to self: how did they "disable" it? How was this tested? These regions are physiologically the same, so how are they differentiated? Is there some sort of a switch? Proposed explanation: - what: attach reference frames to objects (I see an object, I know what it is and I know where it is relative to my body) - where: attach reference frames to the body (I see an object, I don't know what it is, but I know where it is relative to the body) When you fuse the info from both, you know what X is and where it is. Note: unlike other objects, your body is always present :-) Back to the main idea: - the map of the abstract concept doesn't necessarily have to be linked to a place in the real world, but it _must be self-consistent_. - also, it doesn't have to be 2 or 3-dimensional, like maps for real world objects. It can have any number of dimensions. - the concept of distance works just as well in multiple dimensions. Note to self: it is like implementing a sort function for arbitrary structures; it you implement comparison primitives, like <, ==, then thr generic sorting functions will also work with these structures. This brings us to the concept of memorizing something by virtually placing the concept somewhere in your house, and then moving around the house to recall objects and ideas. Because thinking is also a process of moving through a space, thoughts aren't random - we don't teleport from one location to another, but we gradually move from one place to another. (note to self: and what if I imagine teleporting from one location to another? Probably src/dst won't be random, but rather neighbors in some dimension?) Dealing with abstract thoughts is difficult, because there are multiple ways in which a map can be built, multiple possible reference frames. For example, historical events can be placed on a time-line, or on a political map, but they might more sense if you look at it through Hans Rosling's tools that place things into a social or economic context. So, learning such abstract concepts is the process of figuring out what reference frame is best for the knowledge in question. Note to self: a good teacher is able to convey material in multiple reference frames, so that different students find something that works for them. Also, a good teacher will explain something in ways that seem easy, because they rely on reference frames that students are likely to have. The author's example: Einstein explains relativity by relying on thought experiments with trains that move - it makes it easier to wrap your mind around them :) # ch7 a thousand brains theory Current view, which has been around for ~50y: the brain is a hierarchy of feature detectors. - Example re: visual area: v1 detects points of light, v2 at a higher level detects lines and curves, v3 above sees objects, etc. - however, this treats vision like a static process, as if we take a photo and analyze it, then another photo, etc. But vision is highly dynamic, saccades completely modify video input at least 3 times/s, besides that - everything changes completely as we move in space, or turn our heads. Another point: for mice, v1 is much larger than the other areas, but they can still perceive more than just points of light. Therefore it is of reason to believe that the underlying principle is different, and that even the neurons in v1 can perceive entire objects. Vision is highly dynamic and it depends on movement. When we learn about a new object, we turn it around. Knowledge about a type of object is stored in more than one column, in slightly different ways. (note to self: maybe this is why partial brain damage doesn't necessarily result in complete lack of awareness about X, because there is some degree of redundancy and grateful degradation, due to partial overlapping of models stored in different columns. Some loss can be tolerated, somewhat akin to rebuilding a RAID array [but lossy, not lossless]) ## the binding problem If there are thousands of models of a cup, why do we perceive a cup as one entity, rather than thousands of entities? How do we fuse sound and video of a waterfall into a unified concept of a waterfall? Proposed solution - **voting**. The one thing you consciously perceive is the "winning model", determined through consensus. How is voting implemented? - Although most neurons are interconnected within the same column (links going up and down), there are exceptions too, and some axons go to other columns, in other brain areas - when there is uncertainty, a column can send more than one vote - each column receives votes from other columns (note to self: full mesh?) - the most common guesses suppress the less common ones, until the entire network settles on an answer. - no, not a full mesh! It turns out that the consensus mechanism still works well even if you only send your guesses to a small, randomly selected subset of the network! Wow! :-) ## perception stability Why does our perception of the cup remain stable, despite the continuous change of input (e. g., due to saccades, our own movement, etc.)? During voting, the consensus remains the same, and a stable equilibrium is reached (unless the object really changes). Split-brain people don't have the long-range neural connections, so the voting process is not working well. That's why their hemispheres can disagree with each other (remember Gazaniga's experiments). Face/vase image, or the rotating ballerina - this happens because of voting, both models cannot win at the same time, since there is only one winner. But this is not a stable equilibrium, therefore sometimes perception is switched to the other model. # ch8 why there is no "I" in "AI" Current state of the art - deep learning Issues: - the network does only one thing - it needs to be retrained when we want to teach it something new - humans learn continuously, but deep nets need to go through a training phase Therefore the AI revolution won't happen with deep learning. We need ai that follows the principles from the previous chapters, if we want a paradigm shift. ## criteria for artificial general intelligence 1. Learning continuously 2. Learn via movement 3. Many models, voting 4. Use reference frames to store knowledge # ch9 consciousness **Awareness** - form moment-to-moment memories of our actions. Thought experiment: you wake up, do your thing, wash your car, keep going through your day. In the evening I reset your brain to the state it was in the morning. You don't know you washed your car. If I show you a video of it - you say that it looks like you, but you were probably not conscious when you were doing it it, because you don't remember doing it. The thing is, you **were** conscious at that time, my interference simply messed up your continuity. Thus, _the ability to replay our memories is a requirement for consciousness_. **Qualia** - subjective internal experiences. Example: the gold/blue/white dress photo (-: Fear of death is not a requirement for consciousness. We have this fear from the older areas of our brain, it is not a part of the neocortex. It is thus possible that intelligence can exist without fear of death. ...more |
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Dec 30, 2022
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| 0525576258
| 9780525576259
| 0525576258
| 4.11
| 2,913
| Aug 18, 2020
| Aug 18, 2020
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really liked it
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This is a very personal journey, not just in science, but generally in life. Thank you, prof Seager! Some raw notes ------------- - Rogue planet - a plan This is a very personal journey, not just in science, but generally in life. Thank you, prof Seager! Some raw notes ------------- - Rogue planet - a planet not orbiting a star. - Good mentors tell you where to look, as well as how to see. - When the door of opportunity opens, you have to go through it. - Xiusha vs Ksiusha (note for the narrator) - "drawing dragons on our maps to mark the ends of our oceans" - "my plane didn't crash, so I don't have to tell you" :-) - Green Flash phenomenon ...more |
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| 1,262
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| Dec 30, 2008
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really liked it
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This book is full of practical tips that help you get along with others. This was a thought-provoking read and I would recommend it to anyone, even pe
This book is full of practical tips that help you get along with others. This was a thought-provoking read and I would recommend it to anyone, even people who are not in a relationship. You'll learn about typical issues and patterns that lead to those issues. Once you know them, you can try to avoid them. I especially recommend it to those who find themselves in troubled relationships. NOTE: the book is derived from the author's experience and lots of readers can resonate with it. However, this is not experimentally verified research that went into peer-reviewed papers, etc. Raw notes -------- # ch1 why can't we just get along? - deficit theory - we don't know how - motivational theory - we don't want to: the battle is rewarding - A bias kicks in - if you think that someone is a jerk, you treat them as you treat a jerk, and they'll respond accordingly, thus confirming your prediction. ~~Cognitive therapy tries to change the way you perceive things~~. Thought experiment: - imagine you have a happy marriage and everything is smooth - the mafia gives you an ultimatum: either you turn your spouse into a bitch/asshole in 1 month, or we kill you - what steps will you take to turn them into a bitch/asshole? - you will see that in practice you're already doing these things regularly Thought experiment - imagine a person you don't like, a person you always have tensions with, some sort of an enemy-colleague/friend/neighbor - imagine you can press a button that will magically turn the relationship into a good one - would you _want_ to press it? His point is that most of us don't want to press it. There is something in us, which makes us want an element of tension in life - the dark side of humanity Things that compete with love - power and control - revenge - justice and fairness - narcissism - pride and shame - scapegoating - truth - blame - self-pity - anger and bitterness - competition - hidden agenda Tool: ask yourself what you want more, [some] of thr rewards above, or the reward of a good, loving relationship? Ingredients for good communication - ability to express your feelings openly and directly - listen non-defensively - treat your partner with respect Story about a couple: - she argued he is a cold, emotionless being, that has been holding her back for the past 30 years (the cold-fish accountant) - doc invited the husband to a joint therapy session and suggested - she talks about her point of view, he listens - then he summarizes what he heard, in his own words - then they swap roles - she spoke, he summarized well -> we know she can talk openly and he can listen well - when switching roles, he articulated his points, or at least tried to; she kept interrupting, arguing back, denying, etc. - > he can also talk openly, but she cannot listen # cip Cognitive interpersonal therapy Key ingredients 1. We provoke and maintain the same issues we complain about, but regard ourselves as victims 2. We deny our own role in the problem, blaming it all on the other person instead 3. We all have far more power than we think, so it is possible to resolve everything **Rsat** relationship satisfaction test - > tantor.com keyword feeling - score: worst 0..42 best - do this with your partner and discuss the discrepancies, if any - do this regularly, to monitor the dynamic When think about the desired changes in the relationship, think about what you really want 1. Maintain the status quo 2. End the relationship 3. Make it better If you want to make it better, by what means? - wait for them to change - actively change them - change yourself (this is, realistically, the main thing in your power) What factors influence the quality of a relationship? Analysis of their data, performed on a mainframe computer :-) Things that didn't matter - age - education and religion - presence/count of children - duration of the relationship Things that matter - blaming other people (partner, or even externals), this attitude makes a very negative contribution, making one feel angry, frustrated and dissatisfied with the relationship - people who had blame in their routine got even lower RSAT scores 3months later. - people who take the "I take responsibility" approach, and those who commit to making the relationship better - >succeed in doing so So, it boils down to - **do you blame your partner for the issues in the relationship?** If you say yes, I don't have good news for you. Should you blame yourself? No, self-blame can trigger depression. Tool: Relationship journal 1. Write down what one person said to you 2. And your exact response 3. Good /bad comm - > was your response an example of good comm or bad comm? Why? 4. Consequences, did your reply improve the situation, or exacerbate the problem? Why? 5. Revised response: what could you have said better at step #2? Note: **actually write** these things! Good comm, EAR: - empathy, skillful listening - assertiveness: ability to express your point clearly - respect, caring Bad communication has none of these components (-: Always make sure you understand your role in the problem, there's always a role for you too! (if not in the problem, then definitely in the solution) Story about the man who didn't want the session because "you're too young to be my doctor" - > "remember that you were right, and I was wrong". - Disarming technique: find some truth in what the person is saying, even if it is a stretch - empathy: put yourself in their shoes and see the world with their eyes - thought empathy (te): paraphrase their words - feeling empathy (fe): acknowledge how they feel - inquiry (in): ask gentle probing questions, to elicit more data about their inner state - self-expression skills and "I feel X" statements instead of "you X" ones (i. e., not "you're making me angry") - stroking (st): find something good to say to them, even if you feel very hostile towards them right now. The law of opposites: the moment you try to disprove something in a heated argument, you prove to your interlocutor that their criticism is valid. If you "flip the polarity" , they're proven wrong and they see you in a different light. Don't let **pride** get in your way. Also, don't let **fear** do it either. Don't let **truth** get in the way either (-: # ch14 empathy Thought empathy - understand what they think Feeling empathy - understand how they feel Good tools for thought empathy: in a conversation, summarize their statements in your words and ask them for feedback - did I get it right? Did you mean X? Etc. Feeling empathy - when doing the double-checking above, also ask "does that make you feel x?", thus giving them a chance to either correct you or confirm your guess. # ch15 inquiry - Did I get that right? Paraphrase, don't parrot. - What do you think about it? How would you approach it? Watch out for **premature problem solving** -> sometimes people just need to vent. If you give it a "how can we solve this problem" spin, then you can inadvertently escalate the situation. Especially when you make it sound like it is their problem ;-) # ch16 how to talk so people will listen "I feel X" statements help the listener know for sure, because they don't have to guess. Watch out for camouflaged "you" statements, like: "I feel like you're making me angry" or "I feel like you are a jerk" :-) Don't expect people to read your mind, tell them. (mom's mistake) # ch17 stroking - "I - it" relationship, the other is treated like an object to be exploited (example: some men treating women as objects) - "I - thou", the other is a fellow person that deserves respect Example of traps: - why should I be nice to him? He doesn't deserve it! - I'm too angry to be nice to her! - I can't think of anything positive to say about him, he really is a jerk! - why should I be nice to him, after everything he said to me? This is not a good attitude, you have to treat them with respect if you want things to work out. Positive examples: - complement them about something they do well or you like about them - express your feelings with non-insulting language - use body language to express care and warmth (as opposed to frowning, shaking your head, etc.) - frame their motives in a positive light - You don't **have to** treat people with respect, but it furthers your own agenda if you do so. Exercise: make it a habit to compliment other people :-) When you have to deliver bad news or negative feedback, if you treat people with kindness and ensure you don't hurt/humiliate them - you can get away with saying almost anything. They will be less likely to get defensive, or dismiss your comments because they think that you are a jerk. # ch18 putting it all together ## Dealing with complainers - they _don't need advice_, they just want to be **listened** to (not necessarily understood, though that would help :) - use the disarming technique, this usually stops their wave of complaints This also works with narcissists. They want attention - give them some. Stroking is usually the most effective technique for handling them. Note: you **don't have to** do this, if you are not interested in maintaining a meaningful relationship with this person. Just **lower your expectations** and move on, so there won't be a need to dance around them. ## Dealing with lazy and stubborn people Consider that you are a part of the problem. If you keep nagging them to do X, they are less enthusiastic about doing X, and they punish you by not doing it. A self-fulfilling prophecy. How to motivate them? - share your feelings about it, so they see the impact of their actions/inactions without being judged or otherwise attacked # sharpening your skills Role-play with a partner and try these techniques in practice. The gained experience will help you process dialogues in real time in the future, so you can defuse the situation without having to say "let me grab a pen and a paper to write it all down" first. # common traps ## thought empathy errors - failing to find something good or true in the peer's point of view - you might feel an urge to get defensive - thus confirming their point of view about you - agreeing, but in a patronizing way. Example: "I can see how it might feel like that" or "I can see how it might seem that way from your perspective". - agreeing, but superficially. - "yes, but". But makes you defensive. "Stay off your but" ## feeling empathy errors - keep using the same constructions over and over, like "what you seem to be saying is X" - just repeating back what they say, without sharing your own feelings or views. Like a parrot. - fear of negative emotions - the misguided idea that someone needs to be happy all the time - criticizing, instead of acknowledging how the other person feels - telling people how they feel, instead of doing it in a suggestive way. Example: "you feel upset" vs "you might be upset" or "I think you are upset, but I'm not sure, can you tell me more... ". The thing is that sometimes people really don't feel the way you think they do, which might exacerbate the situation. ## inquiry errors - helping and problem-solving: asking "how can we solve this problem?" - > they just want someone to listen - stereotypical responses, like "tell me more..." - asking sarcastic or adversarial questions, like "what did you expect me to do?" - apologize ## common "I feel x" errors - criticizing instead of sharing feelings - talking on and on about yourself, instead of listening to them - active and passive aggression - disclosure phobia, fear of sharing their own feelings # on helping and solving problems Consider that very often people just want someone to listen to them. Also, it could be the case that you like to see yourself in the role of a helper/adviser, therefore creating a codependency. **Listening without helping is sometimes the most helpful thing you can do**. # conflict phobia Sometimes avoiding a conflict is not a good thing to do. If someone is very angry, failing to acknowledge that might exacerbate the problem. When acknowledging it, don't do it in a patronizing way. Angerohobia. # apologies An apology can sometimes be perceived as a way to make the person shut up, so you don't have to listen to them anymore. If you apologize, it has to be genuine. # other points - crusaders for truth - this can be counter-productive, if your main objective is to prove them wrong. Self-defeating beliefs - negative thoughts about other people. Ask yourself - what do these thoughts tell me about the person I am? - what do these thoughts tell me about the kind of person they are? - what do these thoughts tell me about the relationship we have? - # advanced techniques - change focus: point out that "the game we're playing isn't right", that is, change the focus on the dialogue itself. When you reach an impasse - don't blame the other person, just point out that there is an impasse. - positive reframing - his example about someone in the audience who was always asking challenging questions about edge cases. Instead of perceiving that person as an annoyance - point out that they're asking the right questions, and contribute to the scientific process. - multiple choice empathy - you might be feeling x, y, or z right now... ...more |
Notes are private!
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not set
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Sep 17, 2022
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Dec 30, 2022
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Hardcover
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| B01ICK4IWK
| 4.31
| 4,963
| May 04, 2017
| May 04, 2017
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really liked it
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So... this is how it is... I would love to read the personal accounts of other people referenced in this book, especially Jeroen Dijsselbloem's and Wol So... this is how it is... I would love to read the personal accounts of other people referenced in this book, especially Jeroen Dijsselbloem's and Wolfgang Schäuble's (if not an entire book, at least a rebuttal-essay). Some notes --------- - The deal for Greece was unfair and it would put more pressure on common folks. - dealing with creditors who don't want their money back - the euro was advantageous for big economies and not for smaller ones - bankruptocracy - syntagma - Greek for "constitution" or "formation". - Greece was scapegoated, the root cause is in the euro system itself - Socrates' principle in life: do what it takes to not have regrets on your death-bed. - joke about 2 golfers and their fortunes gained through insurance. G1: There was a fire in my factory. G2: there was a flood in mine. G1: "how did you start the flood?" - if you overthrow me, I am young enough to rise again, you are not. - "if you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?" who? - Samuel becket's "happy days" - meșterul Manole? - constructive ambiguity - vague enough to satisfy both/all parties involved - bullies blame their victims; clever bullies make the culpability of the victim seem self-evident - "everyone has a plan, until they get punched in the mouth" (Mike Tyson) - eu negotiators based their positions on models that were not reasonable; they assumed that (my approximation) increasing the price or tax never leads to a decline of sales. His counter argument was to plug in a tax of 230% (from 20%), and the model happily and naively claimed this was an awesome idea (-: - constructive disobedience - "had we won the war, I'd be in the same camp, but with different guards". ...more |
Notes are private!
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1
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not set
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Sep 27, 2022
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Dec 30, 2022
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Kindle Edition
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my rating |
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| 4.01
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it was amazing
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Dec 08, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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| 4.28
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it was amazing
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Nov 27, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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| 3.69
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really liked it
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Nov 16, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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| 4.49
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it was amazing
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Nov 11, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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| 3.31
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really liked it
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Nov 06, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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| 3.81
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really liked it
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Oct 27, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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| 4.30
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it was amazing
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Oct 20, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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| 4.40
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it was amazing
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Oct 12, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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| 4.16
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it was amazing
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Sep 27, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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| 3.89
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it was amazing
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Sep 02, 2023
not set
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Dec 23, 2023
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| 3.98
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it was amazing
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Aug 29, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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| 4.42
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really liked it
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Aug 26, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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| 4.10
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it was amazing
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Aug 23, 2023
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Dec 23, 2023
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| 3.72
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it was amazing
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Jul 10, 2023
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Dec 22, 2023
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| 4.18
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it was amazing
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Feb 2023
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Dec 22, 2023
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| 3.94
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liked it
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Jan 05, 2023
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Jan 08, 2023
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| 4.06
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it was amazing
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Sep 2022
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Dec 30, 2022
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| 4.11
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really liked it
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Sep 06, 2022
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Dec 30, 2022
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| 4.19
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really liked it
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Sep 17, 2022
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Dec 30, 2022
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| 4.31
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really liked it
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Sep 27, 2022
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Dec 30, 2022
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