I was attracted to this because of the title quoation: 'Don't Push the river, it flows by itself'. The poetic observation about her daily life in the I was attracted to this because of the title quoation: 'Don't Push the river, it flows by itself'. The poetic observation about her daily life in the first half of the book and the awakening that is happening to her, are beautifully written in a stream of consciousness way that captures how thinking and attention flit about moment to moment. She really manages to document the textures of her thoughts and emotions beautifully, and there are also some interesting bits about Gestalt and Fritz Perls both of which I knew nothing about before reading this. I learned one other amazing Fritz Perls quotation from the book: 'get out of your mind and come to your senses' so it was definitely worth reading for that alone! But I didn't manage to finish the book in the end as it is so meandering, it really lacks a driving structure....more
I really like Daniel's take on spiritual awakening, that it's about grounding, integration, service, gratitude, doing the work, and bringing the lightI really like Daniel's take on spiritual awakening, that it's about grounding, integration, service, gratitude, doing the work, and bringing the light back down. Maybe there's no doer doing all that, but if you are in the flow of Source there is some intuition and synchronicity and confirming energy occurring that helps you tac to your true path. Two quotes I read which really stood out to me:
‘Our happiness lies always in giving up control and merging with the flow of Life, or God.�
‘God is not a person� but the benevolence and love that is the very fabric of absolutely everything.�
- I thought this second one was a really good dictionary definition....more
Brave Face by Shaun David Hutchinson is the auto-biographical story of Sean’s coming out in the late 90s. It hit really hard for me because it was theBrave Face by Shaun David Hutchinson is the auto-biographical story of Sean’s coming out in the late 90s. It hit really hard for me because it was the exact same era, indeed the exact same year I came out (albeit in the UK not America).
Culturally it was very hostile to LGBTQ people back then. Homophobia and stereotyped or tragic depictions of queer folk was rife, AIDS and HIV were a prevalent worry, and there was almost no representation of gay characters in film, tv, or YA literature. The internet was in its infancy, and there were few to no safe space for gay teens to educate themselves or discuss their feelings. In the UK, thanks to Section 28, there was little to no LGBTQ information about sexual or mental health in schools or youth group spaces that teens could access. In the US there was Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and DOMA, which gave the message that LGBTQ people were second class citizens.
Against this cultural background Sean comes to realize he is gay. Queer is the word he uses, even before it became mainstream. He is prone to depression, as well as being a typical solipsistic, pig-headed teenager. He gets into various relationships, gay and straight, where he puts the other person’s needs above his own, because he doesn’t know who he is, or think he deserves to be happy. He worries abut how his family and friends will take the news when he comes out. He talks very thoughtfully about how the moment of coming out to family is about navigating the other person’s feelings, rather than our own.
There’s hard stuff to read about: depression, cutting, self-harm, self-loathing, internalised homophobia, external incidents of homophobia, suicidal ideation, attempted suicide. Unfortunately, a lot of it felt relatable to me from that time, and the first line hits hard on that level too. But there’s also humour, hope, and beautiful things (pun intended) in the writing and characters.
For much of the book, and even when he’s comes out to close friends, Sean is still in the closet in other spaces, and he feels he has to keep that part of himself secret again and again. The dissonance of this dynamic is one of the things the book captures best. How internally damaging it is to our body and mind to be hiding our true-self, wearing masks and living a double life in multiple situations. How it makes you feel a constant outsider, and the disassociation and depression that causes, or exacerbates in Sean’s case. How it pits you against the arbitrary rules of society, set, not by love or compassion, but by consensus opinion.
It really captures the experience of coming out / gay awakening on an internal feelings level too - the move from denial to self-loathing, to ok-ness, to acceptance and self-love and integration. That long period of living with the truth internally, but hiding it outside.
To me this journey often feels missing in contemporary cheery queer lit, where this closeted self-loathing is only ever dwelt on briefly, where the MC is able to integrate everything internally very quickly in coming out, and all the characters are either gay, allies or accepting really quickly.
In conclusion, a beautiful, honest, heart-on the-sleeve tough read that really resonated with me....more
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