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major TW: suicide, depression, self-harm (seriously, do NOT read this book if suicide attempts & discussion thereof makes you uncomfortable)

2.5 stars

honestly just love yourself and pretend that mara dyer was a duology. i majorly hyped myself up for this because it was revisiting characters i havent seen since i was 16 and redelving into their world and conflicts. And there were things I liked about it like the setting in New York City. From subway rides to top floor apartments to just the busy atmosphere, it was everything I wanted it to be. But there was more that I didn’t enjoy.

I just can’t get over my feeling that I don’t think this continuation is necessary. And if it is, it definitely wasn’t meant for Noah. Mara is such an interesting, morally ambiguous character. Jamie completes me, I love him so much. Noah’s perspective could be so bland and so inundated with pessimism that it was a hassle after a while. I craved some vulnerability from him. A lighthearted break from his constant clouded thoughts. Where was book 2 Noah Shaw with the sass and declarations of love and a will to live? It’s just so strange to see him suddenly suffering because it's SUCH a random downgrade from where he was in earlier books?

Noah’s inner turmoil is so shocking to read about, though. From Mara’s perspective and from Retribution we learned a lot about him, but his thought processes and pessimism and mental illness in this book were so apparent that it was almost painful to read at times. Definite major trigger warning for suicidal thoughts and nihilism. Noah just ignored his suicidal thoughts though and was like “what am i supposed to do if I don’t want to live?�� and i just want to be like …�� there’s medicine. therapists. other stuff. It just seemed so tacky and fake edgy for none of those solutions to be mentioned, and almost damaging to not imply why he wouldn’t want to get help for himself.

I was careful to keep an eye out for mental health rep, since this series deals a lot with suicide attempts, self-harm, depression, and other dark topics. Mental health rep in paranormal/urban fantasy books is so rare so I'm grateful for Hodkin attempting this..... but it probably will do more damage than help anything. There were a couple of lines that made me wary. Particularly, one time Noah tells Mara, “You’re my favorite method of self-harm,�� and I know Mara & Noah’s powers may provide some context to this that doesn’t mean actual self-harm, but it was still a really disturbing line.

This book’s plot is so strange because it focuses so much on the abstract. We meet new characters and old characters come back, but I don’t remember anything from book 3 and that’s what all of this is built on. In addition to that, all of the conflict is happening around them or to other people and they’re just in the middle of it like “huh, i wonder what’s wrong.�� It was really slow and irritating because they weren’t actually being affected by anything, but they also weren’t doing anything to solve it, either.

I’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, but my least favorite trope in books is using miscommunication as a plot point. And Noah is CONSTANTLY lying and keeping secrets from Mara, and vise versa. I hated it. We just went through an entire trilogy of their bonding and relationship, just for them to end up here. I was exasperated so much by this and quite frankly, this book felt like a slap in the face. I should have known the direction it would turn based off the POV alone. But i’m so disappointed that after 3 books of character building, everything was just slam dunked in a trash can.

When this book was good, it was great. Hilarious. Intriguing. But when it was bad, it was bad. Confusing. Problematic. A forced edginess. I’ve had difficulty recommending this series after The Retribution of Mara Dyer wasn’t that great, and this just stirred up my feelings even more. I’ll probably finish out this trilogy to see where it goes, but I think Hodkin bit off more than she can chew because these books just keep spiraling into more and more confusion with an increasing number of plot holes...