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I hear you. Know your enemy?

Thanks for your review.

I agree. Too often it felt like the author was really proud of his advanced techniques to screw people up with a nice smile.

The fact that you felt “dirty�� while learning a SKILL tells more about you and your intentions than what the skill is. Your point of view could be applied to any skill, and turn it into a villain’s trait.

I started working on my negotiation skills after I kept losing every negotiation with all of my bosses. I was the longest “executive�� employee at the company with the second lowest salary. The first being the cleaner and the boss’s nanny. Chris Voss saved people’s lives with what he’s teaching us. And I’m using what I’m learning to protect myself. He’s teaching listening and maintaining a long term relationship. Not “get what you want and crush the rest�� like my bosses did.

I personally think you couldn’t be anymore wrong about the book.

I've exactly the same feeling. Total manipulation.

It is total manipulation behind sugarcoating. It's like he's manipulating people that this is a good technique. I wonder if so many years working as a hostage negotiator screwed him up. And if you feel the need to be protect yourself with manipulation, you're becoming the toxic employee with the hidden agenda.

I only felt like that about maybe 15% of the book. Overall it seems to me the best way to seem like a friendly and trustful person is to actually *be* friendly and trustful. Actively listen and understand with empathy, and people will return the favor. Ask "how" questions to make the other party empathize with you. Stuff like that. My only issue was when people lied in normal negotiations, like saying they had less money than they had when buying a car.

Interesting perspective, Alexander. I work in change management and like to think I will be using the techniques for good purposes, ie, helping people adapt to change. I do appreciate your points though.

It is like buying hacking books. It is for education purposes.. But what you are going to do is up to you.

The point is fair in a way, but at the same time where do you draw the line in terms of using "techniques" when negotiating. I mean, most of us use some sort of technique that works whilst being unaware of it. But I do agree this can sometimes become pure manipulation with a smile. It's a difficult one.

I'm interested in this book because I'm on the spectrum and learning theory of mind is one of my special interests. I can see how you would see Chris Vos as manipulative, but almost everyone has strategies to deal with others to get what they want. It's human nature. And just because you mirror someone or you use any other kind of strategy, doesn't mean you don't care about that person or don't care about what they want...etc.

Hi Alexander, thanks for your review. What you describe is what I sensed when watching a few 'MasterClass' video's of him. I didn't like his style and stopped watching.
You might like this book instead: /book/show/5.... I think it's a very good book and really enjoyed reading it!

Everything around you is a manipulation if you look at it cynically. This is how a person with paranoia feels; that everyone is "trying" to take advantage of them. The issue, then, lies in if the person is trying to prevent you from accessing what's right for you against your better judgement. If you walk away from an engagement feeling that you came to an a satisfying agreement using your own judgement, then there is no issue. If you feel that you have been tricked into doing something you were not aware you were doing in the moment, then that's an issue. So my question to you is, is the author teaching us how to hide and be dishonest? Is he teaching us how to obscure reality and exploit weakness in order to get our way? If so then that is indeed a concern

I see where you're coming from. I think the key is to use these techniques only when negotiating for your business or your salary, a new car, etc. You have to lookout for your own interests and be selfish when negotiating for your salary or your new car. That is all fair game, the "counterparty" wouldn't think twice to screw you over given the chance.

Using it on your friends and family would absolutely be manipulation and they will hate you for it.

You misunderstood what negotiation is about. It's not about zero-sum game where you try to extract as much money from the fixed size pie as much as possible.
Negotiation is a positive-sum game if at least one of the person knows how to negotiate with empathy. Why? Because the person who empathize will come up with a better solution that benefits both people. It's about expanding the size of the pie.

Secondly, negotiation skills can indeed be used to manipulate people. It would be the same as most skills really. Everyone has a mobile phone, and someone is using it to do evil things right now. But somehow you are still using mobile phone, why?
Because you can use it to do good things.

Responding to @Prashanth, "Using it on your friends and family would absolutely be manipulation and they will hate you for it."
This is absolutely opposite from what will happen. You people don't even contemplate on what you have read and it's making me incredibly upset.

I use the skills taught in the book on my family members and they absolutely love it. I was able to heal relationship between my aunt and her daughter by being a middleman that empathize with both sides. I make people feel understood. I was able to heal their deep-held conflicts.
Have you ever seen family members who have been living in the same house for decades yet they are still misunderstanding each other on the same exact topic?
That's what happens when you don't know how to negotiate and learn to empathize.

You might ask why I'm not using empathy on you, and I'd say that I don't have time to convince you. Empathy is best done in-person or through voice, not through text. I'm just ranting and I hope that you learn from what I write here.

To be clear, your family members can indeed hate you for using these techniques on them, not because the techniques themselves are bad, but because their misconceptions that you are manipulating them. It's easy to misunderstand what you don't study. Though you can teach them that it's not manipulation.
How is active listening and empathy skill manipulation?

If your mother teaches you to say "thank you" when you receive gifts in order to make the other person feel good, does it mean that your mother is teaching manipulation?

Here are example of scenarios that clearly show that negotiation skill can be extremely positive:
- your friend is addicted to smoking, try to convince him to stop doing that
- your brother wants to do a side hustle or learn a new skill, convince him to do that
- a fat person wants to go to the gym but is scared, convince him to go

If you don't have negotiation skills, you won't be able to change their mind.

This comment was not written with a sound mind. The author is explaining human psychology. How can you make a criticism like this without an objective view?

It's like being mad that someone learned how to hack and is teaching others in order to make them more aware of their security flaws. Negotiating, just like hacking, is a tool, whether you use the tool for unethical or ethical means, is between you and your morals.

How many times do I have to tell people there is no such thing as evil. People, just like any other organism on earth are an animal. We are humans, capable of great things but also terrible things.

That's reality. That's it. No good or evil, just people who decide to do more harmful actions than helpful actions.