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(Joint review with JORDAN)

[A projection room somewhere in Hollywood. Two middle-aged men are looking at a screen, currently empty:]

JERRY BRUCKHEIMER: [for it is he:] Okay Mike, now you've been playing this pretty close to your chest. Show me what you've got.

MICHAEL BAY: I'd love to.

[The film starts. We see the Garden of Eden. Nothing much is happening. The camera pans around and finally looks at some pretty KUROSAWA-inspired clouds. On the voiceover, ANTHONY HOPKINS, as the Narrator, is reading Paradise Lost:]

HOPKINS: Of Mans First Disobedience, and the Fruit
Of that Forbidden Tree, whose mortal tast
Brought Death into the World, and all our woe...

BRUCKHEIMER: [almost physically ill:] Mike, how could you do this to me?

[BAY looks smug and says nothing:]

HOPKINS: ... Illumin, what is low raise and support;
That to the highth of this great Argument
I may assert Eternal Providence,
And justifie the wayes of God to men.

BRUCKHEIMER: Tell me I'm not hearing this.

[On cue, MEGAN FOX appears, walking in slo-mo and wearing nothing but an entrancing smile. Various bits bounce interestingly:]

BRUCKHEIMER: Hey! Didn't she say you were like Hitler?

BAY: Megan and I understand each other.

[A moment later, we see ROBERT PATTINSON, dressed in similar fashion. BRUCKHEIMER suddenly brightens up:]

BRUCKHEIMER: Mike, don't ever do that to me again. O-kaay. Well, this oughta pack in the Twilight fans. But are you sure we should be showing his...

[BAY is way ahead of him. He gestures to the PROJECTIONIST, who immediately switches to a different shot of the same scene. Various strategically placed branches, stones, leaves etc have restored PATTINSON's modesty à la AUSTIN POWERS:]

BRUCKHEIMER: Better. Wait, is he sparkling?

BAY: It's just the lights. We can fix that in post-editing.

BRUCKHEIMER: And I'm still not happy about the language. No one'll understand a word of it.

BAY: Come on, Jerry. Think Passion of the Christ. Think Apocalypto. Think Inglourious Basterds...

BRUCKHEIMER: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but they had subtitles. Okay, we'll talk about that later. Show me some of the action sequences.

[Another cut. Alarums. Excursions. CGI effects. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, holding a massive laser weapon, is blasting away at what appears to be a horde of DECEPTICONS:]

HOPKINS: ... Full soon
Among them he arriv'd; in his right hand
Grasping ten thousand Thunders, which he sent
Before him, such as in thir Soules infix'd
Plagues; they astonisht all resistance lost...

BRUCKHEIMER: Jesus Christ.

BAY: Who else?

SCHWARZENEGGER: Eat wrath-of-God, muthafuckas!

[BRUCKHEIMER raises an eyebrow. BAY looks defensive:]

BAY: It was an ad lib. We haven't decided yet if we're going to keep it.

[An awkward pause:]

BAY: Do you think we should give him a halo?

BRUCKHEIMER: The religious right will like that. I'd say go with it. So I guess you have Dan Craig as Satan?

BAY: Budget said we couldn't afford him. Let me show you what we came up with.

[Cut. MICHAEL DOUGLAS, as Satan, faces GLENN CLOSE. She looks like a rather scarier version of Cruella de Vil:]

DOUGLAS: What thing thou art, thus double-form'd, and why
In this infernal Vaile first met thou call'st
Me Father, and that Fantasm call'st my Son?
I know thee not, nor ever saw till now
Sight more detestable then him and thee.

BRUCKHEIMER: Who the fuck is she? I haven't read this since high school.

BAY: It's Sin. His ex.

CLOSE: ... Becam'st enamour'd, and such joy thou took'st
With me in secret, that my womb conceiv'd
A growing burden...

[Flashback. A much younger version of CLOSE, with frizzy blonde hair as in Fatal Attraction, is taking joy with DOUGLAS over a celestial sink:]

BRUCKHEIMER: [Doubtful:] Will the 16-24 demographic get it?

BAY: Research is working on that. We're thinking she could maybe boil Eve's bunny. I'll show you another bit.

DOUGLAS: [Making speech:] ... Here we may reign secure; and in my choice
To reign is worth ambition, though in hell:
Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven.

BRUCKHEIMER: Cut it. Too talky.

BAY: Yup, that's what we thought too. It's out.

BRUCKHEIMER: So how do we wrap this up? I remember it had a crap ending. Total downer too.

[Commotion outside. Raised voices. Suddenly, the door opens, and TILDA SWINTON strides in wearing her White Witch costume:]

BRUCKHEIMER: What the...

SWINTON: Eve was framed!

[She raises her wand and zaps BRUCKHEIMER and BAY, who are instantly transformed into snakes:]

BRUCKHEIMER: Hiss!

BAY: Hiss!

BRUCKHEIMER: Fucking hiss!

SWINTON: [to camera:] The end.