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Amanda Tang's Reviews > Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough
Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough
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by
I’ve become a huge fan of Lori Gottlieb and her writing since reading her book, "Maybe you should talk to someone". Once again, "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" has not disappointed me, though I think a lot of people would be misled by the title and assume that settling for someone good enough = being contented with less than you deserve - which is entirely wrong. “Choosing someone who is good enough is neither a personal defeat nor is it settling for less. In most cases, it is a reasonable and practical strategy for having a happy life over the long run.� Here are my biggest takeaways from the book:
1. The values revolving around relationships ingrained in us today can be problematic (have to be aware of the pitfalls):
- “We grew up believing that we could "have it all". "Having it all" meant that we shouldn't compromise in any area of life, including dating. Not compromising meant "having high standards". The higher our standards, the more "empowered" we were. But were we? Here's what actually happened: Empowerment somehow became synonymous with having impossible standards and disregarding the fact that in real life, you can't get everything you want, when you want it, on your terms only. Which is exactly how many of us empowered ourselves out of a good mate."
- “The human potential movement with Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow talking about how every facet of life should contribute to your personal growth. Maslow put self-actualization above having a good marriage in his hierarchy. So if you don't like your friends, you find new ones. Same with a job. Same with marriage." Clearly, this attitude towards relationships and marriage resulted in the idea where the minute we feel less than completely fulfilled, we should seek something better - which is frankly dangerous and problematic.
- “Cooperative teamwork was the definition of a good marriage, but now the focus has shifted to personal satisfaction through the marital relationship itself.�
2. How to Date Better (what to look out for):
- “You definitely have to have real chemistry with someone, but how can you tell if you’ll have chemistry if you won’t even give a guy a chance if he’s the wrong age or height? Maybe he’s so compassionate and hilarious and has other qualities that don’t meet the eye.�
- “The advice Greenwald gives is simple: Knock off anything as a deal-breaker that’s “objective� (age, height, where he went to college, type of job he has etc.) and focus on what’s “subjective� (maturity, kindness, sense of humor, sensitivity, ability to commit).
- “Long-term compatibility is about respect and common values and building something, not about judgement of imperfections.�
- “If we ruled out guys because they were “too boring�, nothing could be as boring as the endless merry-go-round of single life.�
- “Her advice to women who are dating is this: First find a good match, then fall in love. Above all, don’t think you’ve “fallen in love� only to learn too late that it’s a bad match.�
3. Stop assuming you know what you want � often, it’s about acceptance instead of dating a bunch of guys expecting each one after the next to meet your checklist:
- “…not only are we confused about what we want in the moment, but we fail to take into account that our desires change through time as we deal with life circumstances like illness, financial issues, or children.�
- “Shared values are more important than shared interests�
- “…like so many single people, he viewed the problem as being one of needing to change rather than needing to accept. But it’s not about changing the other person; it’s about accepting things about the other person that you’d like to change, but can’t�
4. The Paradox of Choice: Satisficers VS Maximizers:
- “Satisficers know when they’ve found what they want, even if it’s not perfect. Maximizers either keep looking for someone better and never choose anyone, or they choose someone but will always wonder whether they’ve settled. They don’t understand that not getting 100% of what we want isn’t just “acceptable� � it’s normal. The point is, satisficers don’t pick a guy who’s less good than they should have. They’re happy because they know that good enough is good enough. They realize that nothing is perfect in life � not jobs, not friends, and not spouses � so taking the best available option and appreciating it makes sense.�
- When you start feeling like your relationship isn’t “giving� you much, maybe this is attributed to adaptation, and not because you chose someone less good than you should have. Adaptation means we get used to things and then we take them for granted. This is different from your relationship having an actual problem.
5. If you’re in doubt of your relationship but can’t quite seem to put a finger on what’s “wrong� - think about these:
- “…if you have everything you need in a relationship but you’re just not feeling it anymore, maybe you’re focusing too much on whether you’re in love (the noun) and not making enough of an effort to love (the verb) your partner. There’s an aspect of love (the verb) that’s a choice.�
- “Many women seem to think that when they feel lonely at any point in a marriage, that something’s wrong. Then they leave, and they’re even lonelier than before. But they’re not lonely because of the marriage. They’re lonely because it’s normal for people to experience loneliness from time to time.�
- “Even our best friends don’t meet all our needs. That’s why we have so many close friends, not just one. So why does a husband have to be an uber-friend who meets every need and shares every interest? Who can handle that kind of pressure?�
- “Research has shown that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of “incompatibility� or disagreement that they will never resolve. The successful couples learn how to manage the disagreements and live life “around� them � to love in spite of their areas of difference…if we switch partners, we’ll just get ten new areas of disagreement.�
- “Soul mates are a beautiful notion to believe in once it happens. But it’s a dangerous thing to believe in when you’ve found the person you’ve decided to spend your life with. In reality, there are many people we could be happy with � it’s just that your soul develops in different ways with different people.� - this means, don’t be quick to find fault with your partner and assume he/she is not your “soulmate�. The concept of “soulmate� is likely to be more of a “in hindsight� thought rather than going in to the world trying to find and define one.
- “People have an inability to believe that other people work differently. We don’t realise that you have to learn someone in the way that you learn a subject. You can’t do it only by feeling. You actually have to listen to them and believe them when they tell you how they work. That’s a very counterintuitive thing to do because we all trust our instincts about people, but you really can be very wrong. Your instincts are based on people you know, and this person you’re getting to know is not your mother or your ex-girlfriends or your sister. Couples need to be open to the fact that they will work differently from each other and from the families they grew up in, and that they have to respect that, and listen to that. In dating, people break up over these things and they miss the opportunity to really get to know the other person. They dismiss people without really understanding them � and then they wonder why they can’t meet anyone and why they’re still single.�
6. What a “good enough� relationship looks like (and you need to put in the work to achieve this too):
- “Love should increase over time, not start at a high. Real love is developed over time. It’s about learning to trust, bond, and build family together, with or without children. So I’m in favour of not overthinking yourself to death in the beginning.�
- “…husbands are life partners, not life savers, A full 50% of marital satisfaction is up to you, but many women dating today don’t see it that way. Marriage alone won’t make you happy. A good marriage will bring you much happiness, but it’s not your husband’s job to provide constant entertainment and stimulation.�
- “We’re not together because of the differences � we’re together because of the similarities. On the deep currents of life we are similar, and on things we are not similar about, we are moveable. The deep similarities overcame the surface differences and the differences didn’t matter nearly as much as we built a life together.�
- “…our marriage is successful because it’s built not on an unattainable fantasy of perfection, but out of the realization that love is created, not presented.�
Giving the book 4 stars because I read Logan Ury’s “How to Not Die Alone� before this, so the concepts here are nothing new to me, just a good refresher/reminder.
1. The values revolving around relationships ingrained in us today can be problematic (have to be aware of the pitfalls):
- “We grew up believing that we could "have it all". "Having it all" meant that we shouldn't compromise in any area of life, including dating. Not compromising meant "having high standards". The higher our standards, the more "empowered" we were. But were we? Here's what actually happened: Empowerment somehow became synonymous with having impossible standards and disregarding the fact that in real life, you can't get everything you want, when you want it, on your terms only. Which is exactly how many of us empowered ourselves out of a good mate."
- “The human potential movement with Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow talking about how every facet of life should contribute to your personal growth. Maslow put self-actualization above having a good marriage in his hierarchy. So if you don't like your friends, you find new ones. Same with a job. Same with marriage." Clearly, this attitude towards relationships and marriage resulted in the idea where the minute we feel less than completely fulfilled, we should seek something better - which is frankly dangerous and problematic.
- “Cooperative teamwork was the definition of a good marriage, but now the focus has shifted to personal satisfaction through the marital relationship itself.�
2. How to Date Better (what to look out for):
- “You definitely have to have real chemistry with someone, but how can you tell if you’ll have chemistry if you won’t even give a guy a chance if he’s the wrong age or height? Maybe he’s so compassionate and hilarious and has other qualities that don’t meet the eye.�
- “The advice Greenwald gives is simple: Knock off anything as a deal-breaker that’s “objective� (age, height, where he went to college, type of job he has etc.) and focus on what’s “subjective� (maturity, kindness, sense of humor, sensitivity, ability to commit).
- “Long-term compatibility is about respect and common values and building something, not about judgement of imperfections.�
- “If we ruled out guys because they were “too boring�, nothing could be as boring as the endless merry-go-round of single life.�
- “Her advice to women who are dating is this: First find a good match, then fall in love. Above all, don’t think you’ve “fallen in love� only to learn too late that it’s a bad match.�
3. Stop assuming you know what you want � often, it’s about acceptance instead of dating a bunch of guys expecting each one after the next to meet your checklist:
- “…not only are we confused about what we want in the moment, but we fail to take into account that our desires change through time as we deal with life circumstances like illness, financial issues, or children.�
- “Shared values are more important than shared interests�
- “…like so many single people, he viewed the problem as being one of needing to change rather than needing to accept. But it’s not about changing the other person; it’s about accepting things about the other person that you’d like to change, but can’t�
4. The Paradox of Choice: Satisficers VS Maximizers:
- “Satisficers know when they’ve found what they want, even if it’s not perfect. Maximizers either keep looking for someone better and never choose anyone, or they choose someone but will always wonder whether they’ve settled. They don’t understand that not getting 100% of what we want isn’t just “acceptable� � it’s normal. The point is, satisficers don’t pick a guy who’s less good than they should have. They’re happy because they know that good enough is good enough. They realize that nothing is perfect in life � not jobs, not friends, and not spouses � so taking the best available option and appreciating it makes sense.�
- When you start feeling like your relationship isn’t “giving� you much, maybe this is attributed to adaptation, and not because you chose someone less good than you should have. Adaptation means we get used to things and then we take them for granted. This is different from your relationship having an actual problem.
5. If you’re in doubt of your relationship but can’t quite seem to put a finger on what’s “wrong� - think about these:
- “…if you have everything you need in a relationship but you’re just not feeling it anymore, maybe you’re focusing too much on whether you’re in love (the noun) and not making enough of an effort to love (the verb) your partner. There’s an aspect of love (the verb) that’s a choice.�
- “Many women seem to think that when they feel lonely at any point in a marriage, that something’s wrong. Then they leave, and they’re even lonelier than before. But they’re not lonely because of the marriage. They’re lonely because it’s normal for people to experience loneliness from time to time.�
- “Even our best friends don’t meet all our needs. That’s why we have so many close friends, not just one. So why does a husband have to be an uber-friend who meets every need and shares every interest? Who can handle that kind of pressure?�
- “Research has shown that every happy, successful couple has approximately ten areas of “incompatibility� or disagreement that they will never resolve. The successful couples learn how to manage the disagreements and live life “around� them � to love in spite of their areas of difference…if we switch partners, we’ll just get ten new areas of disagreement.�
- “Soul mates are a beautiful notion to believe in once it happens. But it’s a dangerous thing to believe in when you’ve found the person you’ve decided to spend your life with. In reality, there are many people we could be happy with � it’s just that your soul develops in different ways with different people.� - this means, don’t be quick to find fault with your partner and assume he/she is not your “soulmate�. The concept of “soulmate� is likely to be more of a “in hindsight� thought rather than going in to the world trying to find and define one.
- “People have an inability to believe that other people work differently. We don’t realise that you have to learn someone in the way that you learn a subject. You can’t do it only by feeling. You actually have to listen to them and believe them when they tell you how they work. That’s a very counterintuitive thing to do because we all trust our instincts about people, but you really can be very wrong. Your instincts are based on people you know, and this person you’re getting to know is not your mother or your ex-girlfriends or your sister. Couples need to be open to the fact that they will work differently from each other and from the families they grew up in, and that they have to respect that, and listen to that. In dating, people break up over these things and they miss the opportunity to really get to know the other person. They dismiss people without really understanding them � and then they wonder why they can’t meet anyone and why they’re still single.�
6. What a “good enough� relationship looks like (and you need to put in the work to achieve this too):
- “Love should increase over time, not start at a high. Real love is developed over time. It’s about learning to trust, bond, and build family together, with or without children. So I’m in favour of not overthinking yourself to death in the beginning.�
- “…husbands are life partners, not life savers, A full 50% of marital satisfaction is up to you, but many women dating today don’t see it that way. Marriage alone won’t make you happy. A good marriage will bring you much happiness, but it’s not your husband’s job to provide constant entertainment and stimulation.�
- “We’re not together because of the differences � we’re together because of the similarities. On the deep currents of life we are similar, and on things we are not similar about, we are moveable. The deep similarities overcame the surface differences and the differences didn’t matter nearly as much as we built a life together.�
- “…our marriage is successful because it’s built not on an unattainable fantasy of perfection, but out of the realization that love is created, not presented.�
Giving the book 4 stars because I read Logan Ury’s “How to Not Die Alone� before this, so the concepts here are nothing new to me, just a good refresher/reminder.
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Reading Progress
January 23, 2022
– Shelved
January 23, 2022
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January 30, 2022
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February 15, 2022
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