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welcome to...THE APRILVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES.

wow. i've outdone myself on the terrible pun, so you know what that means: we're back at it with project long classics, in which i divvy up an intimidating classic over a month in order to feel smart and accomplished. even though this one is just a bunch of fun crime puzzles.

but the real mystery is the order i'm reading this series in.


DAY 1: A SCANDAL IN BOHEMIA, PART ONE
these don't divide evenly, so i'm going to read them in half-story chunks. or just go for it. i can't decide.

i first read this story in an english 101 class, and i have the same opinion today as i did then: sherlock holmes goes down as one of the greatest characters of all time, but arthur conan doyle's real masterpiece was irene adler.


DAY 2: A SCANDAL IN BOHEMIA, PART TWO
no one is doing it like her!!! she really is on a whole different level to quote sherlock himself.

similarly, i doubt that these stories will ever get as good as this first one. the only problem with it is it's much too short. follow irene for the whole volume i say.
rating: 4.5


DAY 3: THE RED-HEADED LEAGUE, PART ONE
every single sherlock holmes story has this bit where he says 4 extremely specific things to a stranger and they're like "what the devil �" and he explains his deductions. and yet it hits every time.

"I am a very stay-at-home man, and as my business came to me instead of my having to go to it, I was often weeks on end without putting my foot over the door-mat." introvert who works remotely representation is so important.


DAY 4: THE RED-HEADED LEAGUE, PART TWO
i have to say, creating an institution to celebrate red-headed men and faking a photography hobby in order to attempt to steal some french gold...well, that's whimsical as hell.

but it's no irene adler.
rating: 3.5


DAY 5: A CASE OF IDENTITY, PART ONE
this is anout of a woman getting ghosted. if only we each had a sherlock holmes in a time like this.


DAY 6: A CASE OF IDENTITY, PART TWO
well. it's not as fun when we catch the guy but there is no JUSTICE.

i would've answered yes to sherlock's little "should i beat him with a riding crop," even.
rating: 3


DAY 7: THE BOSCOMBE VALLEY MYSTERY, PART ONE
my life's nightmare is to be watson's wife. unnamed, uninteresting. just being like "yeah totally, take your 80th day off from your job so far this year to go do unpaid labor as the guy sherlock makes look stupid in order to emphasize his intelligence. i'll just be sitting here powered down until your return regardless."


DAY 8: THE BOSCOMBE VALLEY MYSTERY, PART TWO
it's like...okay, this guy committed a murder to prevent his daughter from having to marry a guy that she immediately marries anyway. and then it's a happily ever after. not our finest logic on this one.
rating: 3


DAY 9: THE FIVE ORANGE PIPS, PART ONE
every one of these stories begins with watson being like "sherlock is an unparalleled genius...he has never been defeated...irene adler got lucky..." and now all of a sudden he's like "well, for 8 years he solved some stuff on occasion but mostly he was all, i got nothing." what happened???

i gotta say, i'm not feeling confident that he's going to figure out the 2.5 murders we've just been presented with.


DAY 10: THE FIVE ORANGE PIPS, PART TWO
yep. this is the story of how sherlock holmes takes on the might of american institutional racism and loses.

pretty depressing.
rating: 3


DAY 11: THE MAN WITH THE TWISTED LIP, PART ONE
in this story a guy finds out that it's actually friday when he thought it was wednesday and bursts into tears. i've done the exact same thing in the reverse situation.


DAY 12: THE MAN WITH THE TWISTED LIP, PART TWO
this one was very fun. even if it did hinge upon having a conservative comedian's concept of what begging is.
rating: 3.5


DAY 13: THE ADVENTURE OF THE BLUE CARBUNCLE, PART ONE
my fiance has a sherlock holmes board game in which you get a case description, a copy of a newspaper, a map of london, and a directory and have to solve a mystery from there. there has never been a game that i like so much while being so bad at. this case is reminding me why.


DAY 14: THE ADVENTURE OF THE BLUE CARBUNCLE, PART TWO
to be fair, i could also solve a goose-based mystery if some criminal-looking guy showed up at the goose stand yelling about a missing goose. that doesn't take sherlock holmes levels of deduction.

i have to say, though, i respect his anti-prison industrial complex inclinations.
rating: 3.5


DAY 15: THE ADVENTURE OF THE SPECKLED BAND, PART ONE
"Very sorry to knock you up, Watson," said he, "but it's common lot this morning. Mrs. Hudson has been knocked up, she retorted on me, and I on you." eventful day.

it is so funny that this story hinges on the idea that if a lady has to clean up after herself her hair will go gray by 30 from strain. who's going to start doing my laundry for me then??? then again, in this same story women can die simply "of fear," so i probably don't have much to go on.


DAY 16: THE ADVENTURE OF THE SPECKLED BAND, PART TWO
soooo satisfying. you love to see it. like a scandal in bohemia, i read this one in school, and also like it it's one of the best.
rating: 4


DAY 17: THE ADVENTURE OF THE ENGINEER'S THUMB, PART ONE
the intros to these get real repetitive reading them one after the other like this. "Of all the cases I have known Mr Sherlock Holmes to take on..." "In all my years as assistant to the great Mr Sherlock Holmes..." "Out of every mystery in the time I spent with the renowned detective..." etc etc.


DAY 18: THE ADVENTURE OF THE ENGINEER'S THUMB, PART TWO
honestly, if i were nearly stamped to death by a hydraulic press and got away with just a chopped-off thumb, i'd be like "thank you very much" and mind my business. no running to quirky detectives for me.
rating: 3


DAY 19: THE ADVENTURE OF THE NOBLE BACHELOR, PART ONE
this one is about sherlock holmes using his divine powers of deduction to figure out why a couple he knows broke up. which is literally exactly what i would use my divine powers of deduction for if i had them.


DAY 20: THE ADVENTURE OF THE NOBLE BACHELOR, PART TWO
justice for lord st. simon. being left immediately post-wedding and then not even being the main character of my own mystery would be my villain origin story.
rating: 3


DAY 21: THE ADVENTURE OF THE BERYL CORNET, PART ONE
i mean...i'm not going to say on jeff bezos' internet that stealing shouldn't be a crime and should in fact be a robin hood-style accoladed achievement if done from the senior partner of one of london's largest private banks...but i am going to heavily imply it.


DAY 22: THE ADVENTURE OF THE BERYL CORNET, PART TWO
women, am i right.

ok it is actually very funny to refer to a gun used in self-defense as a life preserver.
rating: 3.5


DAY 23: THE ADVENTURE OF THE COPPER BEECHES, PART ONE
i love sherlock holmes for reading watson's plethora of what is essentially john x sherlock fanfiction and being like..."not enough ME in this."


DAY 24: THE ADVENTURE OF THE COPPER BEECHES, PART TWO
what an insane tonal shift to close this entire collection out. but in a fun way, i have to admit.

spoke too soon. i wish i had checked doesthedogdie.com on this one.
rating: 3.5


OVERALL
some of these stories were much stronger than others (i love you forever irene adler), but overall sherlock holmes is the world's most famous detective for a reason. these are generally clever and fun.

sorry, poirot.
rating: 3.5