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“Just erotic. Nothing kinky. It's the difference between using a feather and using a chicken.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“There's a door."
"Where does it go?"
"It stays where it is, I think.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“The gods of the Disc have never bothered much about judging the souls of the dead, and so people only go to hell if that's where they believe, in their deepest heart, that they deserve to go. Which they won't do if they don't know about it. This explains why it is so important to shoot missionaries on sight.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“Any wizard bright enough to survive for five minutes was also bright enough to realize that if there was any power in demonology, then it lay with the demons. Using it for your own purposes would be like trying to beat mice to death with a rattlesnake.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“Hell needed horribly bright, self-centered people like Eric. They were much better at being nasty than demons could ever manage”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“No enemies had ever taken Ankh-Morpork. Well technically they had, quite often; the city welcomed free-spending barbarian invaders, but somehow the puzzled raiders found, after a few days, that they didn't own their horses any more, and within a couple of months they were just another minority group with its own graffiti and food shops.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“Rincewind trudged back up the beach. "The trouble is," he said, "is that things never get better, they just stay the same, only more so.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“Rincewind gave his fingers a long shocked stare, as one might regard a gun that has been hanging on the wall for decades and has suddenly gone off and perforated the cat.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“the whole point of the wish business was to see to it that what the client got was exactly what he asked for and exactly what he didn't really want.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“The captain glared at him. The sergeant put on the poker face that has been handed down from NCO to NCO ever since one protoamphibian told another, lower-ranking protoamphibian to muster a squad of newts and Take That Beach.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“Demons have existed on the Discworld for at least as long as the gods, who in many ways they closely resemble. The difference is basically the same as that between terrorists and freedom fighters.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“... the damned had been given that insight which makes hardship so easy to bear â€� the absolute and certain knowledge that things could be worse.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“Rincewind wasn't used to people being pleased to see him. It was unnatural, and boded no good. These people were not only cheering, they were throwing flowers and hats. The hats were made out of stone, but the thought was there.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“No one’s going to be interested in a war fought over a, a quite pleasant lady, moderately attractive in a good light. Are they?â€� Eric was nearly in tears. “But it said her face launched a thousand ships—â€� “That’s what you call metaphor,â€� said Rincewind. “Lying,â€� the sergeant explained, kindly.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“The Tezumen were happy. When no amount of worshipping caused the Luggage to come back and trample their enemies they poisoned all their priests and tried enlightened atheism instead, which still meant they could kill as many people as they liked but didn’t have to get up so early to do it.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“Tezumen are the only people who beat themselves to death with their own suicide notes.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“The sublords of Hell trembled. This was going to be dreadful. It might even result in a memo.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“Let’s just run through this again, shall we?â€� said the Demon King. He leaned back in his throne. “You happened to find the Tezumen one day and decided, I think I recall your words correctly, that they were ‘a bunch of Stone-Age no-hopers sitting around in a swamp being no trouble to anyone,â€� am I right? Whereupon you entered the mind of one of their high priests—I believe at that time they worshipped a small stick—drove him insane and inspired the tribes to unite, terrorize their neighbors and bring forth upon the continent a new nation dedicated to the proposition that all men should be taken to the top of ceremonial pyramids and be chopped up with stone knives.â€� The King pulled his notes toward him. “Oh yes, some of them were also to be flayed alive,â€� he added. Quezovercoatl shuffled his feet. “Whereupon,â€� said the King, “they immediately engaged in a prolonged war with just about everyone else, bringing death and destruction to thousands of moderately blameless people, ekcetra, ekcetra. Now, look, this sort of thing has got to stop.â€� Quezovercoatl swayed back a bit. “It was only, you know, a hobby,â€� said the imp. “I thought, you know, it was the right thing, sort of thing. Death and destruction and that.â€� “You did, did you?â€� said the King. “Thousands of more-or-less innocent people dying? Straight out of our hands,â€� he snapped his fingers, “just like that. Straight off to their happy hunting ground or whatever. That’s the trouble with you people. You don’t think of the Big Picture.
I mean, look at the Tezumen. Gloomy, unimaginative, obsessive…by now they could have invented a whole bureaucracy and taxation system that could have turned the minds of the continent to slag. Instead of which, they’re just a bunch of second-rate axe-murderers. What a waste.

Quezovercoatl squirmed. The King swiveled the throne back and forth a bit. “Now, I want you to go straight back down there and tell them you’re sorry,â€� he said. “Pardon?â€� “Tell them you’ve changed your mind. Tell them that what you really wanted them to do was strive day and night to improve the lot of their fellow men. It’ll be a winner.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“Pre-eminent amongst Rincewind's talents was his skill in running away, which over the years he had elevated to the status of a genuinely pure science; it didn't matter if you were fleeing from or to, so long as you were fleeing. It was flight alone that counted. I run, therefore I am; more correctly, I run, therefore with any luck I'll still be.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“[...]"Come on. Let's run away."

"Where to?"

Rincewind sighed. He'd tried to make his basic philosophy clear time and again, and
people never got the message.

"Don't you worry about to," he said. "In my experience that always takes care of itself.
The important word is away.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric

“I want to be a eunuch, sir," Eric added. Rincewind's head turned as though it was being dragged. "Why?" he said, and then came up with the obvious answer at the same time as Eric: "Because you get to work in the harem all day long," they chorused slowly.
The captain coughed.
"You're not the boy's teacher, are you?" he said.
"No."
"Do you think anyone has explained to him - ?"
"No."
"Perhaps it would be a good idea if I got one of the centurions to have a word? You'd be amazed at the grasp of language those chaps have got.”
― Terry Pratchett, Eric