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I was out for coffee with an old friend "Trey" from high school yesterday. We have been in and out of touch over the last 20 years, but now he is working nearby and we finally had a chance to sit down and talk. We are both larger people, but he also has height as well(he and Paul could see eye to eye with not problem),so he can carry some more weight than others.

We were discussing my relationship with Narzain (yes, I he knows my friend too) and the subject of validation came up. "Trey" asked me if I thought that Narzain validates me, and then asked if I have stagnated from this validation. I replied no to both questions.

Does Narzain help me feel more like a person? At times, yes. His love and support have made it easier for me to validate myself, but I am NOT defined or validated by is presence in my life. If our relationship (Goddess forbid!) end tomorrow, I would still be me, and everything I am now, is who I am. That would not change.

Now, I do have to admit, that having Narzain around to call me beautiful,does feel good, but he calls me that because I am, an I would not stop being beautiful,funny,sarcastic,well read, our spoken, kind, supportive, or anything else that I am, good or bad, if he wasn't here to tell me that I am all those things. His love and support make it easier BE those things when I have doubts, but they do not validate me in any way, shape or form.

Some of you may be saying, "Methinks the lady doth protest too much.",but I don't think I am. I think that I am asserting myself and standing up for who I am. I love Narzain with everything I have within me, and yes I would love to spend the rest of my life with him by my side, but he is not WHY I am me or defines me, but he does enhance me. Because of his support, I have found strength I didn't know I had. I have found self-esteem,pride and what I am capable of because he has been there cheering me,showing love and yes, reinforcing the fact that I am worthwhile.

I am grateful for having him in my life, and I think that is important. Being grateful for your companion, but being your own person at the same time. It is a balance that many never achieve, or find.

I hope that all of you find your validation within, and can show the world you are worth it, because you are truly worthwhile, important, deserve to be here, smart, funny,handsome, beautiful, sexy, kind, sweet, short tempered, a rabid sports fan, a geek, a nerd,fat, tall, short, male, female,what have you.

YOU are YOU and that is validation enough.

For what it's worth, I agree with Kim's assessment. And she is all the wonderful things mentioned above; I'm just glad that she can see that. So many people can't see the good in themselves.

That is true. Most people cannot see what is good about themselves and mistakenly feel that they need another person to validate their existence. There is a fine line between validation and support when it comes to intimate relationships. All my hard work began before I met Narzain, but it has been his love and support that have lead me to be able to do more, and yes, is some cases his support has validated my efforts but do not define my efforts because I have some one who can see the proof when I can't.

Yes, my darlings, I have bad days too when I don't always feel the way that I should. There are days that I let the outside world in and have it's nasty say and for a brief while I may listen to it and feel bad. I try not to let those feelings linger, and sometimes righteous indignation is what launches me out of that black cloud. Sometimes it is just a gentle reminder from Narzain or this group that reminds me that I am more than the sum of my parts.

So,does that mean that this group validates me? No, but it does prove that if you are willing to work at it, you can validate yourself and with support, you can see that validation.

Remember kids, we are all on this planet together since space colonization hasn't happened yet, so we need to make the best of it while we're here. Life is what you make it, so make it a good one, with love, laughter,and pride.

So, how did I arrive at this point in my life? What caused me to finally validate myself and give life the finger? I got tired. I got mad. I got fed up. I had let myself down too many times. I finally decided that the voices in my head needed to shut the f*** up and move on. Everyone has a defining moment that causes them to decide to change, whether it be letting go on an addiction, a bad habit, or what have you, they are an "ah-ha!" moment, the point in time that you say "Enough!"

Some are big others little, but we all have them. These are the moments that allow us to take that step and start the process, the journey that allows us to become a stronger person. In order to make any kind of change, we all need that kick to the captains quarters that jump starts the process, and for me it was quiet. I did not have some big life changing moment. I meditate and I started to meditate on changing my attitude toward myself. I began to accept that others were not going to embrace this idea, that I was firmly on my own when it came to seeing myself in new light. Others who did/do not agree with the idea that I have value at my size would still be the jerks about it that they always were going to be about it, and I can't change them. I can change how I see myself.

For years I have worshiped in the Church of the Eternal Screw Up. I have firmly been entrenched in the belief that I am the reason everything bad that happens to others around me is because they know me, and that everything I do turns to bull plop. That is not true. In spite of how I was made to feel by others or myself growing up, I AM NOT AT FAULT FOR EVERYTHING! It was not my fault I got a beating, but my dad's for losing his temper. My actions may have not been so great, but I did NOT force him to lose HIS temper. That was all on him.

Hey! First time for that!

I have taken my blame off of the altar of guilt far too long. It is time for me to leave some of it behind for good. I am not perfect by any means and yes there is guilt I should bear as I am at fault for somethings, but not every bad thing that happens. I am human and part of that is doing the wrong thing, making mistakes, and messing things up. The key to this, I am finding, is forgiving yourself your mistakes, apologizing as soon as you can, and moving on from the situation.

Don't forget what you did, so you don't do it again, but don't dwell on it, or it will take over your life. Yes, that won't be easy, but it's one step at a time, and yes it may take years to get where you want to be, so you need to be patient.

Validation is a long road, and can be lonely if you allow yourself to be, so make sure you have a good support system in place. Many around you wont' like you becoming positive,assertive,focused or proud because that messes with their narrow little world and their own false validation. DON'T let them suck you in!

Fight for your right to be YOU!

There will be good days, bad days, days when food will seem like your only friend, a false friend but a friend all the same. You will have to fight a powerful enemy, yourself, and that will be the hardest fight of all.

YOU ARE YOU AND YOU ARE WONDERFUL!

I got to go to a graduation party this weekend and it was wonderful. I got to see the end result of my work with kids. The young man was one I used to babysit (not nanny, so I only saw him every other week) but I worked with him and his sister for years. They are family to me and I to them apparently. He is a fantastic artist with great natural talent. He told me that he is pursuing art as a career and it's because of me and my encouragement of him to do what he loves.

We talked and remembered things from when he was little that he still remembered. He got into Yu-gi Oh! and I in turn did to. He was about 5 or so when he has a birthday party to which I was invited. I named all the characters on his cake and with great pride he turned to his friends and said ,"See! I TOLD you she was cool!" One of the best moments EVER! I am apparently still cool and still much loved, if the look on his 16 year old sisters face when she saw me was any indication.

There are times,especially now, when I am not working and no one seems interested in my applications, that I wonder if I really do make a difference or if I just screw these kids up even more. I got my deep rooted lesson Saturday that I do indeed to more than I think. Heck,he still remembered the dirt wad song that I made up one day when he was sick. He said that he had been singing it the other day!

Sometimes, it is these little moments that mean so much, and in the midst of the absolute chaos that is my life at this moment, this tiny bit of love, hope and reconnection meant so much to me and illustrated the poem "100 years from now" that I have on my wall.

I was important and still am important to a child. I am very grateful for the reminder.