Å·±¦ÓéÀÖ

“Most abusive men put on a charming face for their communities, creating a sharp split between their public image and their private treatment of women and children. He may be (..) assaultive toward his partner or children but nonviolent and nonthreatening with everyone else. (..) The pain of this contrast can eat away at a woman.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Most people have an impulse to dump bad feelings on some undeserving person, as a way to relieve—temporarily—sadness or frustration. (..) The abusive man (..) considers himself entitled to use his partner as a kind of human garbage dump where he can litter the ordinary pains and frustrations that life brings us. She is always an available target.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“For many abusive men, pornography has shaped their sexuality since they were teenagers or even younger. It has helped to form their view of what women are like and what they ought to be. When a graduate of what I call "The Pornography School of Sexuality" discovers, for example, that his partner does not find a slap in the face arousing, he thinks that's evidence of something sexually wrong with her.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“If the man is abusive, of course he is going to deny it, partly to protect himself and partly because his perceptions are distorted. If he were ready to accept responsibility for his actions in relationships, he wouldn’t be abusive.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Studies have found similar statistics regarding young men’s belief that they have the right to force a female to have sex if they have spent a substantial amount of money on the evening’s entertainment or if the woman started wanting sex but then changed her mind. These studies point to the importance of focusing on changing the entitled attitudes of abusers, rather than attempting to find something wrong in their individual psychology.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“On some level he hopes that his ability to transport you sexually will tie you to him, so that he can have power over you in other, nonsexual ways. And, in some relationships, the abuser's belief in the power of his sexuality is self-fulfilling: if much of the rest of the time he acts cold or mean, the episodes of lovemaking can become the only experience you have of loving attention from him, and their addictive pull thus becomes greater... [Thus] the swing from electric sexual charge to loss of all sexual desire can increase his power just as the other highs and lows do.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“An abuser's behavior is primarily conscious â€� he acts deliberately rather than by accident or by losing control of himself â€� but the underlying thinking that drives his behavior is largely not conscious.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Mental illness doesn’t cause abusiveness any more than alcohol does. What happens is rather that the man’s psychiatric problem interacts with his abusiveness to form a volatile combination. If he is severely depressed, for example, he may stop caring about the consequences his actions may cause him to suffer, which can increase the danger that he will decide to commit a serious attack against his partner or children. A mentally ill abuser has two separate—though interrelated—problems, just as the alcoholic or drug-addicted one does.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“The National District Attorney’s Association Bulletin reported a revealing study that was conducted on another group of destructive men: child sexual abusers. The researcher asked each man whether he himself had been sexually victimized as a child. A hefty 67 percent of the subjects said yes. However, the researcher then informed the men that he was going to hook them up to a lie-detector test and ask them the same questions again. Affirmative answers suddenly dropped to only 29 percent. In other words, abusers of all varieties tend to realize the mileage they can get out of saying, “I’m abusive because the same thing was done to me.â€� Although”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“One-on-one approaches to overcoming abuse work well only when the wider community pulls together to create an environment in which the victims are supported and the abusers held accountable.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“One year my colleagues David and Carole were preparing a skit on abuse for a conference, and they decided to perform a rehearsal for their abuser group. Afterward, the group members rapid-fired their suggestions for improving the skit, directing them mostly at David: “No, no, you don’t make excuses for why you’re home late, that puts you on the defensive, you’ve got to turn it around on her, tell her you know she’s cheating on you. . . . You’re staying too far away from her, David. Take a couple of steps toward her, so she’ll know that you mean business. . . . You’re letting her say too much. You’ve got to cut her off and stick to your points.â€� The counselors were struck by how aware the clients were of the kinds of tactics they use, and why they use them: In the excitement of giving feedback on the skit, the men let down their facade as “out-of-control abuser who doesn’t realize what he’s doing.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“An abuser who does not relinquish his core entitlements will not remain non-abusive. This may be the single most overlooked point regarding abusers and change. The progress that such a man appears to be making is an illusion. If he reserves the right to bully his partner, to protect even one specific priviledge, he is keeping the abuse option open. And if he keeps it open, he will gradually revert to using it more and more until his prior range of controlling behaviors has been restored to it's full glory.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“They are reluctant to do the serious work of change, feeling that it would be easier to throw a new blanket over the moldy mattress and carry on with life as usual.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“When you are left feeling hurt or confused after a confrontation with your controlling partner, ask yourself: What was he trying to get out of what he just did? What is the ultimate benefit to him? Thinking through these questions can help you clear your head and identify his tactics.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“he wants her to be thinking about him.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“abuse is a problem of values, not of psychology.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Almost no abuser is mean or frightening all the time. At least occasionally, he is loving, gentle, and humorous and perhaps even capable of compassion and empathy. This intermittent, and usually unpredictable, kindness is critical to forming traumatic attachments. When a person has suffered harsh, painful treatment over an extended period of time, s/he naturally feels a flood of love and gratitude toward anyone who brings relief. But in situations of abuse, the rescuer and the tormentor are the very same person.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Dehumanization can be a sickening, horrible experience for the person at whom it is directed. If you are involved with a sexually exploitative partner, you may find that sex is sometimes, or perhaps always, a nightmare. Exploitative, rough, coercive, uncaring sex is similar to physical violence in its effects, and can be worse in many ways. And part of why it feels so degrading is that a woman can sense the fact that in her partner's mind she has ceased to exist as a human being.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Objectification is a critical reason why an abuser tends to get worse over time. As his conscience adapts to one level of cruelty—or violence—he builds to the next.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“This style of abuser loses interest in sex if his partner starts to assert herself as an equal human being deserving of respect, or he begins to coerce or assault her sexually. In short, he wants sex on his terms or not at all.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Ray was not abusive because he was angry; he was angry because he was abusive.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“He doesn't object to her sexualization, he just wants to be in control of it, and he wants it oriented towards his gratification. His demand that she not show off her body is not based on the viewpoint of a responsible parent but rather is more like the attitude of a jealous boyfriend.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“An abuser can be thought of not as a man who is a "deviant," but rather as one who learned his society's lessons too well, swallowing them whole.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“A man’s beliefs about the effects of the substance will largely be borne out. If he believes that alcohol can make him aggressive, it will, as research has shown. On the other hand, if he doesn’t attribute violence-causing powers to substances, he is unlikely to become aggressive even when severely intoxicated.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“For some abusive men, the blame-the-childhood approach has an additional reason for being appealing: By focusing on what his mother did wrong, he gets to blame a woman for his mistreatment of women. This explanation can also appeal to the abused woman herself, since it makes sense out of his behavior and gives her someone safe to be angry at since getting angry at him always seems to blow up in her face. The particular, has often jumped on this bandwagon instead of confronting the hard questions that partner abuse raises. Abuse of women by men is so rampant that, unless people can somehow make it women's own fault, they are forced to take on a number of uncomfortable questions about men and about much of male thinking. So it may seem easier to just lay the problem at the feet of the man's mother?”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“If abusiveness were the product of childhood emotional injury, abusers could overcome their problem through psychotherapy. But it is virtually unheard of for an abusive man to make substantial and lasting changes in his pattern of abusiveness as a result of therapy.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Inside the abuser's mind, there is a world of beliefs, perceptions, and responses that fits together in a surprisingly logical way. His behavior does make sense”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“I came to realize through my experience with over two thousand abusers, that the abusive man wants to be a mystery. To get away with his behavior and to avoid having to face his problem, he needs to convince everyone around him- and himself- that his behavior makes no sense. He needs his partner to focus on everything except the real causes of his behavior”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“Alcohol does not change a person’s fundamental value system. People’s personalities when intoxicated, even though somewhat altered, still bear some relationship to who they are when sober. When you are drunk you may behave in ways that are silly or embarrassing; you might be overly familiar or tactlessly honest, or perhaps careless or forgetful. But do you knock over little old ladies for a laugh? Probably not. Do you sexually assault the clerk at the convenience store? Unlikely. People’s conduct while intoxicated continues to be governed by their core foundation of beliefs and attitudes, even though there is some loosening of the structure. Alcohol encourages people to let loose what they have simmering below the surface.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

“But whether you stay or go, the critical decision you can make is to stop letting your partner distort the lens of your life, always forcing his way into the center of the picture. You deserve to have your life be about you; you are worth it.”
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men