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“If it weren't for greed, intolerance, hate, passion and murder, you would have no works of art, no great buildings, no medical science, no Mozart, no Van Gogh, no Muppets and no Louis Armstrong.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“Mr. Pewter led them through to a library, filled with thousands of
antiquarian books.
'Impressive, eh?'
'Very,' said Jack. 'How did you amass
all these?'
'Well,' said Pewter, 'You know the person who always borrows
books and never gives them back?'
'Yes...?'
'I'm that person.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“Humpty had always sat on walls, it was his way.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“How many people want to read about three disreputable pigs and a dopey wolf with a disposition towards house demolition?”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“Palindrome as well. My sister's name is Hannah. Father liked word games. He was fourteen times World Scrabble Champion. When he died, we buried him at Queenzieburn to make use of the triple word score.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“You speak baby gibberish?' asked Jack.
'Fluently. The adult-education center ran a course, and I have a lot of time on my hands.'
'So what did he say?'
'I don't know.'
'I thought you said you spoke gibberish?'
'I do. But your baby doesn't. I think he's speaking either
pre-toddler nonsense, a form of infact burble or an obscure dialect of
gobbledygook. In any event, I can't understand a word he's saying.'
'Oh.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“He was, after all, the ultimate rebel -- it takes a lot of cojones to stand up to Zeus.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“I collect ex-boyfriends -- and more than five, at last count.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“Try to be pleasant to one another, get plenty of fresh air, read a good book now and then, depose your government when it suspends the free press, try to use the mechanism of the state to adjudicate fairly and employ diplomatic means wherever possible to avoid armed conflict.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“He also thought that ‘abbreviationâ€� was too long for its meaning, that ‘monosyllabicâ€� should have one syllable, ‘dyslexicâ€� should be renamed ‘Oâ€� and ‘unspeakableâ€� should be respelt ‘unsfzpxkable.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“I loved him, officer. More than any woman ever loved an egg.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“ALBINOS DEMAND ACTION ON MOVIE SLUR The albino community demanded action yesterday to stop their unfair depiction as yet another movie featured an albino as a deranged hitman. “We’ve had enough,â€� said Mr. Silas yesterday at a small rally of albinos at London’s Pinewood Studios. “Just because of an unusual genetic abnormality, Hollywood thinks it can portray us as dysfunctional social pariahs. Ask yourself this: Have you ever been, or know anyone who has ever been, a victim of albino crime?â€� The protest follows hot on the heels of last week’s demonstrations when Colombians and men with ponytails complained of being unrelentingly portrayed as drug dealers. —Extract from The Mole, July 31, 2003”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“These are the real puzzles that will face humanity. There is, he claims, a single theory that will explain not only why the queue you choose at a supermarket is always the slowest but why trains always leave on time when you are late and leave late when you are on time.â€� “There isn’t an answer to those,â€� murmured Madeleine doubtfully. “It just happens.â€� “That’s what they used to say about lightning,â€� replied Pandora, “and rainbows.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“Think of this: If it weren’t for greed, intolerance, hate, passion and murder, you would have no works of art, no great buildings, no medical science, no Mozart, no van Gogh, no Muppets and no Louis Armstrong. The civilization that devises the infrastructure to allow these wonderful things to be created is essentially a product of war—death and suffering—and commerce—deceit and inequality. Even your liberty to discuss the shortcomings of your own species has its foundations in blood and hardship.â€� “That’s a depressing thought,”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“If you drive at precisely twenty-nine miles per hour, the rumble strips play ‘Jerusalemâ€� on the car tires. Listen.â€� Mary slowed to the correct speed and”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“She opened the door within two seconds of his pressing the doorbell, letting out a stream of cats that ran around with such rapidity and randomness of motion that they assumed a liquid state of furry purringness. The exact quantity could have been as low as three or as high as one hundred eight; no one could ever tell as they were all so dangerously hyperactive.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“Businessman, philanthropist, large egg.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“Mary?" said an officer who was carrying a large potted plant in the manner of someone who thinks it is well outside his job description.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“He's not as bad as everyone makes out. He might buy venerable old companies and strip their assets, causing numerous layoffs and the odd corporate suicide or two, but that's business. Inside, he's a big teddy bear.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“So you could value your own life," replied the Titan. "Before that you were under the gods' thumbs, doing their bidding without caring if you lived or died. When you could see that life was worth living by your fear of the unknown that was death, then you could really make things happen.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“She looked around at the close confines of the NCD offices. They were cramped and untidy. No. They were worse than that. They had gone through cramped and untidy, paused briefly at small and shabby before ending up at pokey and damp.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“She opened the door within two seconds of his pressing the doorbell, letting out a stream of cats that ran around with such rapidity and randomness of motion that they assumed a liquid state of furry purringness.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“This must have been how it all began with Chymes,â€� sighed Jack. “A small
omission on one case, an ‘embellishment� on the next. The question is not about
what’s best but what’s right. Chymes had confused the two and compromised not
only his own integrity but that of the police—and the due process of law.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“LOCKED ROOM" MYSTERY HONORED: The entire crime-writing fraternity yesterday bade a tearful farewell to the last "locked room" mystery at a large banquet held in its honor. The much-loved conceptual chestnut of mystery fiction for over a century had been unwell for many years and was finally discovered dead at 3:15 A.M. last Tuesday. In a glowing tribute, the editor of Amazing Crime declared, "From humble beginnings to towering preeminence in the world of mystery, the 'locked room' plot contrivance will always remain in our hearts." DCI Chymes then gave a glowing eulogy before being interrupted by the shocking news that the 'locked room' concept had been murdered - and in a locked room. The banquet was canceled, and police are investigating.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“Try to be pleasant to one another, get plenty of fresh air, read a good book now and then, depose your government when it suspends the free press, try to use the mechanism of the state to adjudicate fairly, and employ diplomatic means wherever possible to avoid armed conflict.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“boiling Mr. Wolff alive was quite outside the realm of ‘reasonable forceâ€� and the fact that the large pan of water would have taken at least six hours to reach boiling point strongly indicated premeditation.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“But since anagram-related clues are now inadmissible as evidence, we sent the pork pie off for DNA analysis and managed to pinpoint the pie shop where it was purchased.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“Father liked word games. He was fourteen times world Scrabble champion. When he died, we buried him at Queenzieburn to make use of the triple word score.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“It’s about good copy and ensuring that cases can be made into top-notch documentaries on the telly. Public approval is the all-important currency these days, and police budgets ebb and flow on the back of circulation and viewing figures.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy

“The Nursery Crime Division was not disbanded and is still active to this day.”
― Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy