Ramy Vance's Blog
November 6, 2019
Yara-Ma-Yha � WHAT?
Others were around before the gods left. We’ve seen them. Met them, even �
It was a summers� day in the outback and the heat was starting to get to me. I stopped beneath a fig tree to rest my legs, but the cool sensation of the shade quickly sent me to sleep.
I woke a few hours later and opened my eyes to find two wide eyes staring back. A creature with a large red face, a massive grin, and short frog-like limbs sat crouched in front of me.
I later learnt that this was a Yara-Ma-Yha-Who.
A creature of Australian Aboriginal mythology, the Yara-Ma-Yha-Who is a small red-skinned man with octopus suckers on its hands and feet.
It kind of looks like Patrick Star from Spongbob Squarepants.
If, that is, Patrick’s head was the same size as the rest of it’s body.
Regardless, these red vamps are hard to miss. That’s why Mr Yara-Ma-Yha-Who has a thing for hanging out in fig trees, because, let’s be honest, no one ever checks the canopy of a tree before resting beneath it?
Well, it’s time you started, because in the GoneGod World, there just might be a Yara-Ma-Yha-Who lurking in its branches waiting for people to pass below.
Once you’re under him, he’ll drop down from above and grab you with his leech-like fingers.
There’s no fighting it.
The suckers are as tight on your skin as muscles are to bone. Then the sucking starts, and you watch in horror - helpless - as he sucks every last drop of blood from your body. You want it to end there, but it doesn’t. Passed out and as dry as a dried fig, the Yara-Ma-Yha-Who then swallows you whole, and wanders to a nearby body of water to quench his thirst. Sucking blood is thirsty business. This is followed by a long nap, then after he’s woken he regurgitates up your body, and you’re good as new.
Well, almost as good as new.
You’re a little shorter than you were before. Your skin is just a little redder than before. This happens every time you’re caught by a Yara-Ma-Yha-Who; you become a little shorter, and a little redder - until you too become a Yara-Ma-Yha-Who.
There are ways of avoiding this foul creature. Playing dead, for one - he only likes the taste of fresh blood. He’s not too keen on adults either, and tends to attack children, because children are oh so tasty.
The Yara-Ma-Yha-Who is just one of the creatures wandering the GoneGod World �
Interested in learning more about the GoneGod World? Check out our flagship series HERE ()
OR join our Facebook Group: The House of the GoneGod Damned! HERE () .
It was a summers� day in the outback and the heat was starting to get to me. I stopped beneath a fig tree to rest my legs, but the cool sensation of the shade quickly sent me to sleep.
I woke a few hours later and opened my eyes to find two wide eyes staring back. A creature with a large red face, a massive grin, and short frog-like limbs sat crouched in front of me.
I later learnt that this was a Yara-Ma-Yha-Who.
A creature of Australian Aboriginal mythology, the Yara-Ma-Yha-Who is a small red-skinned man with octopus suckers on its hands and feet.
It kind of looks like Patrick Star from Spongbob Squarepants.
If, that is, Patrick’s head was the same size as the rest of it’s body.
Regardless, these red vamps are hard to miss. That’s why Mr Yara-Ma-Yha-Who has a thing for hanging out in fig trees, because, let’s be honest, no one ever checks the canopy of a tree before resting beneath it?
Well, it’s time you started, because in the GoneGod World, there just might be a Yara-Ma-Yha-Who lurking in its branches waiting for people to pass below.
Once you’re under him, he’ll drop down from above and grab you with his leech-like fingers.
There’s no fighting it.
The suckers are as tight on your skin as muscles are to bone. Then the sucking starts, and you watch in horror - helpless - as he sucks every last drop of blood from your body. You want it to end there, but it doesn’t. Passed out and as dry as a dried fig, the Yara-Ma-Yha-Who then swallows you whole, and wanders to a nearby body of water to quench his thirst. Sucking blood is thirsty business. This is followed by a long nap, then after he’s woken he regurgitates up your body, and you’re good as new.
Well, almost as good as new.
You’re a little shorter than you were before. Your skin is just a little redder than before. This happens every time you’re caught by a Yara-Ma-Yha-Who; you become a little shorter, and a little redder - until you too become a Yara-Ma-Yha-Who.
There are ways of avoiding this foul creature. Playing dead, for one - he only likes the taste of fresh blood. He’s not too keen on adults either, and tends to attack children, because children are oh so tasty.
The Yara-Ma-Yha-Who is just one of the creatures wandering the GoneGod World �
Interested in learning more about the GoneGod World? Check out our flagship series HERE ()
OR join our Facebook Group: The House of the GoneGod Damned! HERE () .
October 25, 2019
5 FALLEN ANGELS YOU’VE PROBABLY NEVER HEARD OF (and Definitely Never Want to Meet)
Let’s face it � probably the most terrifying creatures that coexist with us in the GoneGod World are angels. Big, powerful and full of forbidden knowledge, these guys are can seriously ruin your day.
And the most badass of the badass? Fallen angels...
Normally, when we think of fallen angels, most of us go straight to the big guy � the Devil, Satan, Lucifer, the Morning Star—pick your preferred handle. If we left our minds to linger on the topic, we’d inevitably come up with Beelzebub (thanks Freddy!).
And for those of us who have read Paradise Lost or simply are interested in the subject, we might even come up with Azazel, Belial, Mammon� to name a few.
But what about the other guys? The ones who populate the ranks of fallen angels who rebelled against heaven, but didn’t have the same PR clout as the heavy hitters.
You know the guys I’m talking about� the ones for whom corrupting humans wasn’t only an occupation, it was their GoneGod damn pleasure.
Here are 5 fallen angels you’ve probably never heard of but were instrumental in the war for heaven and our souls:
Xaphan �
The original pyromaniac, Xaphan is a demon of the 2nd rank, but once-upon-a-time he was one of the apostate angels. His contribution to the whole debacle was suggesting to destroy Heaven with fire. Problem was � it’s hard to set clouds on fire.
Well, maybe it’s not� and I guess we’ll never know because Xaphan was cast into hell before he could implement his plan. His current whereabouts? Fanning the flames of the abyss with his mouth and his hands.
Gadreel �
If there was a mortal equivalent of Gadreel, it would be the Lord of War, ala Viktor Bout level of evil� According to the second section of the ‘Book of Enoch�, he is the guy that taught humanity warfare and is the third of the five satans who convinced angels to fornicate with humans.
Not much is written about him, but I like to think that he is the ‘Walking Dude� in Stephen King’s ‘The Stand�.
Chayyliel �
Chayyliel is responsible for Catholic School. Ok—no, he’s not. But a lot of the strict nun policies were taken out of his playbook. He is the angel before whom ‘all the children of heaven do tremble� and is also responsible for flogging fellow angels who fail to sing the Trisagion with lashes of fire.
Oh—and he can give you quite the tongue thrashing too for his mouth is so large it can ‘swallow the whole earth in one moment in a mouthful�.
Beleth �
You know that expression, “You and what army?� Well never say that to Beleth. Ever. Beleth is the commander of 85 legions of demons. How many demons in a legion? The same number that can dance on the head of a pin � infinite. So infinity times 85 is� well, a hell of lot!
If you ever see this guy, especially riding on a pale horse and blaring a trumpet, run. Actually, scratch that. Don’t run—there’d be no point. Just fall to your knees and hope is all ends quickly.
Penemue �
A personal favorite of mine, Penemue is the angel’s equivalent of Prometheus. According to Enoch, he is the angel that taught humankind how to read and write—not because he loved us, but because reading leads to knowledge, knowledge leads to thinking, thinking leads to sin (imagine a Yoda voice there). But don’t take my word for it. Here’s the actual quote from the Book of Enoch:
So, all is all, this guy takes the prize for passive-aggressive
hate towards humans. Personally, I love reading and writing,
so how bad can this angel really be?
What else do we know about Penemue? Not much, except that he really, really likes Drambuie.
Interested in learning more about the GoneGod World? Check out our flagship series: .
OR join our Facebook Group: The House of the GoneGod Damned!
() .
And the most badass of the badass? Fallen angels...
Normally, when we think of fallen angels, most of us go straight to the big guy � the Devil, Satan, Lucifer, the Morning Star—pick your preferred handle. If we left our minds to linger on the topic, we’d inevitably come up with Beelzebub (thanks Freddy!).
And for those of us who have read Paradise Lost or simply are interested in the subject, we might even come up with Azazel, Belial, Mammon� to name a few.
But what about the other guys? The ones who populate the ranks of fallen angels who rebelled against heaven, but didn’t have the same PR clout as the heavy hitters.
You know the guys I’m talking about� the ones for whom corrupting humans wasn’t only an occupation, it was their GoneGod damn pleasure.
Here are 5 fallen angels you’ve probably never heard of but were instrumental in the war for heaven and our souls:
Xaphan �
The original pyromaniac, Xaphan is a demon of the 2nd rank, but once-upon-a-time he was one of the apostate angels. His contribution to the whole debacle was suggesting to destroy Heaven with fire. Problem was � it’s hard to set clouds on fire.
Well, maybe it’s not� and I guess we’ll never know because Xaphan was cast into hell before he could implement his plan. His current whereabouts? Fanning the flames of the abyss with his mouth and his hands.
Gadreel �
If there was a mortal equivalent of Gadreel, it would be the Lord of War, ala Viktor Bout level of evil� According to the second section of the ‘Book of Enoch�, he is the guy that taught humanity warfare and is the third of the five satans who convinced angels to fornicate with humans.
Not much is written about him, but I like to think that he is the ‘Walking Dude� in Stephen King’s ‘The Stand�.
Chayyliel �
Chayyliel is responsible for Catholic School. Ok—no, he’s not. But a lot of the strict nun policies were taken out of his playbook. He is the angel before whom ‘all the children of heaven do tremble� and is also responsible for flogging fellow angels who fail to sing the Trisagion with lashes of fire.
Oh—and he can give you quite the tongue thrashing too for his mouth is so large it can ‘swallow the whole earth in one moment in a mouthful�.
Beleth �
You know that expression, “You and what army?� Well never say that to Beleth. Ever. Beleth is the commander of 85 legions of demons. How many demons in a legion? The same number that can dance on the head of a pin � infinite. So infinity times 85 is� well, a hell of lot!
If you ever see this guy, especially riding on a pale horse and blaring a trumpet, run. Actually, scratch that. Don’t run—there’d be no point. Just fall to your knees and hope is all ends quickly.
Penemue �
A personal favorite of mine, Penemue is the angel’s equivalent of Prometheus. According to Enoch, he is the angel that taught humankind how to read and write—not because he loved us, but because reading leads to knowledge, knowledge leads to thinking, thinking leads to sin (imagine a Yoda voice there). But don’t take my word for it. Here’s the actual quote from the Book of Enoch:
“The name of the fourth is Penemue: he discovered to the
children of men bitterness and sweetness;
And pointed out to them every secret of their wisdom.
He taught men to understand writing, and the use of ink and
paper.
Therefore numerous have been those who have gone astray
from every period of the world, even to this day.
For men were not born for this, thus with pen and with ink to
confirm their faith;
Since they were not created, except that, like the angels, they
might remain righteous and pure.
Nor would death, which destroys everything, have effected
them;
But by this their knowledge they perish, and by this also its
power consumes them.�
So, all is all, this guy takes the prize for passive-aggressive
hate towards humans. Personally, I love reading and writing,
so how bad can this angel really be?
What else do we know about Penemue? Not much, except that he really, really likes Drambuie.
Interested in learning more about the GoneGod World? Check out our flagship series: .
OR join our Facebook Group: The House of the GoneGod Damned!
() .
October 21, 2019
9 Reasons to Marry an Ogre
In the GoneGod World, finding your soulmate is tough.
But sometimes the perfect mate is someone dismissed out of hand simply because they’re a different species. Sure, cuddling with a porcupine might be tough, but love is an endless supply of bandaids.
And as for ogres � well, they get a bad rap, but why? In this article we explore the pros to marrying the beast with that huge nose.
So put aside your prejudices and open your hearts to an ogre. Happiness might just be one green brute away:
1. If sensitivity isn’t your thing: In this modern world of safe-spaces, validated feeling and participation trophies, you have to be in touch with your feelings to fit in. But what if that’s hard for you? Marry an ogre. A true ogre will never insist you sit up all night exploring your feelings, never get angry because you forgot an anniversary or demand you play videogames with them. They won’t even ask about your day. So if feelings aren’t your thing, then an ogre just might be.
2. They won’t care about the mess: Laundry everywhere, dirty dishes and capless toothpaste are just a few of the messes an ogre wouldn’t care about. If you’re messy and don’t care, then marrying one of these green giants just might be the mate you need.
3. And as for the smell: With a mess comes the smell and ogres live by one philosophy � the smellier it is, the better.
4. Never worry about pickle jars again: Ogres are strong and there isn’t a pickle jar on this planet that they can’t handle. So line up that dill, stock those Polish Gherkins, and get ready to feast.
5. Like meat? So do ogres. So much so that any flesh based creature is fair game. So if you’re curious what lion meat tastes like or have no qualms with cannibalism, then sous-chefing with an ogre might just be for you.
6. Your neighbors will never complain about anything, ever: You like to party in the wee hours of the night. Go for it. You like to blast Metallica at full volume. The louder the better. Inspired by Whiplash but got no rhythm. No worries—bang at those drums until you bleed. Your neighbors will never complain. Not when they risk an ogre answering the door.
7. And speaking of noise: Ogres are into being loud. War cries and battle drums are their thing. So if Slayer is your Barry White and the haka is pre-coitus foreplay, then look no further. An ogre might just be the perfect lover for you.
8. In a world filled with ogres, the apocalypse is probably not far behind: At the end of the world, an ogre mate is a good idea. After all, when we digress into the inevitable pillaging, raiding and killing, who do you want by your side? The weekend warrior who finished Tough Mudder � or an actual tough mudderf***er.
9. Everything on them is big: need I say more? Whether your thing is boobs, gonads or both, they got you covered.
Interested in learning more about the GoneGod World? Check out our flagship series HERE () and join our Facebook Group: The House of the GoneGod Damned! HERE () .Ramy Vanceb>
But sometimes the perfect mate is someone dismissed out of hand simply because they’re a different species. Sure, cuddling with a porcupine might be tough, but love is an endless supply of bandaids.
And as for ogres � well, they get a bad rap, but why? In this article we explore the pros to marrying the beast with that huge nose.
So put aside your prejudices and open your hearts to an ogre. Happiness might just be one green brute away:
1. If sensitivity isn’t your thing: In this modern world of safe-spaces, validated feeling and participation trophies, you have to be in touch with your feelings to fit in. But what if that’s hard for you? Marry an ogre. A true ogre will never insist you sit up all night exploring your feelings, never get angry because you forgot an anniversary or demand you play videogames with them. They won’t even ask about your day. So if feelings aren’t your thing, then an ogre just might be.
2. They won’t care about the mess: Laundry everywhere, dirty dishes and capless toothpaste are just a few of the messes an ogre wouldn’t care about. If you’re messy and don’t care, then marrying one of these green giants just might be the mate you need.
3. And as for the smell: With a mess comes the smell and ogres live by one philosophy � the smellier it is, the better.
4. Never worry about pickle jars again: Ogres are strong and there isn’t a pickle jar on this planet that they can’t handle. So line up that dill, stock those Polish Gherkins, and get ready to feast.
5. Like meat? So do ogres. So much so that any flesh based creature is fair game. So if you’re curious what lion meat tastes like or have no qualms with cannibalism, then sous-chefing with an ogre might just be for you.
6. Your neighbors will never complain about anything, ever: You like to party in the wee hours of the night. Go for it. You like to blast Metallica at full volume. The louder the better. Inspired by Whiplash but got no rhythm. No worries—bang at those drums until you bleed. Your neighbors will never complain. Not when they risk an ogre answering the door.
7. And speaking of noise: Ogres are into being loud. War cries and battle drums are their thing. So if Slayer is your Barry White and the haka is pre-coitus foreplay, then look no further. An ogre might just be the perfect lover for you.
8. In a world filled with ogres, the apocalypse is probably not far behind: At the end of the world, an ogre mate is a good idea. After all, when we digress into the inevitable pillaging, raiding and killing, who do you want by your side? The weekend warrior who finished Tough Mudder � or an actual tough mudderf***er.
9. Everything on them is big: need I say more? Whether your thing is boobs, gonads or both, they got you covered.
Interested in learning more about the GoneGod World? Check out our flagship series HERE () and join our Facebook Group: The House of the GoneGod Damned! HERE () .Ramy Vanceb>
