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Today I submitted a proposal to adapt one of my unpublished novels into a television series. It wasn't done with the intention of getting anywhere with it, but rather for the experience of writing a proposal, and eventually learning to craft a pitch. There are some similarities between pitching a novel to a literary agent and pitching a TV series, but there are many more differences, and I wanted to get a little experience in both, if I could. I try to take the opportunities to learn as they come, at least when it's something that interests me, and generally, I like to learn.
See, I am a pretty terrible writer. Average at best, and that's being generous. I feel like things have gotten worse in recent years, but it's possible I am just more aware of my inadequacies, which is fine, too, because it means I'm still learning. I learned a LOT during my few forrays into the world of ABNA (Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award), but since it's been shut down, my growth as a writer has been stagnating somewhat. In addition to not having that outlet (and the instant access to all the new author friends I made over those few years), I've started wondering if I should be trying a different storytelling medium all together. I've been thinking that, if I can't find the words I need to express myself, maybe I should be attempting to tell my stories in a more visual manner.
So I tried writing my first screenplay for what would be a short film, if I ever decided to actually shoot it.
It wasn't the greatest thing ever, but I don't think it was terrible either, so that's something!
The best part is, if I ever shot it, I would let the actors have some leeway with the dialogue and such (and the director �� I don't think I'd be a very good director, as I've said, I lack leadership skills), and they could potentially bring more of my idea alive than I am able to with words alone. And that's pretty exciting to me.
I always have tons of idea rattling around in my mind, hence part of the reason I decided to start . To express myself better than I have been. I've said for a long time that my autobiography would be titled, “Great Idea, Poor Execution��, because I have a good thinking brain, but lack the skills required to express my thoughts adequately. Or even, in many cases, in a way which other people can understand. It's frustrating for me, and no doubt unknowingly frustrating for you, because I could have solved so many of the world's problems by now �� and be rich and invite you to parties and such to hang out with me and all the animals I'd live with �� if I could have just expressed myself better all this time! Haha
I should probably re-phrase the whole statement about me being a terrible writer �� I think it's more that I'm just...juvenile? Simple? I can't even think of the word I'm looking for to describe myself. Geez! However, I've toyed with the idea of writing books for adults who read at a lower level, or for whom English is not their first language, etc. Because the story idea can be okay for adults or young adults �� albeit uncomplicated - but the language is more for elementary school readers. I remember tutoring Grade 8 students in reading when I was in University �� they were mostly all reading at a Grade 3 level or below, and the stuff we had to work with to teach them was pretty boring. I mean, I enjoy the occasional caterpillar story, but to those in their early their teen years, it didn't exactly hold their interest, let alone spark imagination and a love of reading. So maybe my stories would do better with an audience who is interested in something they can relate to, but that is written in an easier to digest language. How cool would it be to help turn a reluctant reader into someone who actually chooses to pick up a book, rather than having to read one for a class?
I also kind of want to try out the graphic novel format someday, but I have zero skills with the visual arts, so that would be more of a collaboration. Again, though, it is a more visual medium, and if I could find someone to help me express what I see inside my head, I think it could be pretty awesome.
Photography is also a visual medium, and I have an idea about a book that tells a story and uses photos I take, but I really don't feel like that's something I'd be very successful at, either. I see lots of things, and can envision how I want a photo to look, but it rarely turns out that way in actuality. I've never taken a class or had a very good camera, and really, I take most of my photos on my phone now, because it's always on me. I used to wish I had a good camera that I could somehow just carry around with me everywhere and be ready to snap something at a moment's notice. I'd imagine what an amazing photographer I'd be if I could blink and take a picture of what I saw, as I saw it. Bionic camera eyes, anyone? Maybe someday.
If there's one thing I have learned, though, it's that nothing comes easy. If it's worth doing, it takes work to do it well. Unless you're one of those annoying child prodigy types. Is 43 too old to be a child prodigy? Why do I keep wanting to type progidy??
And that's another reason for . To practice. It won't necessarily make my writing better, nor will I definitely be able to express myself better as I go along, but it absolutely will not hurt. I need to keep trying, keep writing, keep experimenting, and keep learning. Maybe none of my ideas will come to fruition, or if they do, maybe none of them will turn out as amazing as I'd envisioned. But for sure nothing will happen if I do nothing, and writing it down is probably a good first step.
Especially given that my memory is so bad lately.

“Happy birthday to yooou �� and you, and you; happy birthday to yooou �� all three of yooouuuu; happy BIRTHday, dear Malleri-Teri-and-Alexaaaa! Happy birthday to yooou �� and you, and yoooou!��
Alexa Reid smothers a grin by passing a hand over her mouth. Seventeen years in and Dad still can't carry a tune, she smirks to herself. One glance at the twitching corners of her sisters' lips, and she knows they are all sharing the exact same thought.
As triplets, the Reid sisters have often shared similar ideas and emotions, but while they've always been very close �� closer than most siblings �� the three girls are quite different in looks and personality. Having raised them alone after their mother died during childbirth, their father, Peter, has always been very adamant about fostering each of his daughters' individuality, even to the point of having them attend different schools much of the time. He can be strict, Alexa knows, and he has some very specific rules that are not up for discussion, but he loves them each with everything he has, and does whatever is necessary to keep his family feeling close, safe and happy.
Now, celebrating their 17th birthday, all three girls are looking forward �� with varied emotions �� to embarking on their final year of high school in just under a week. Their father seems less enthusiastic, but he always seems to get nervous around the beginning of a new school year. Alexa assumes that it had something to do with him being a teacher himself. A professor, she corrects herself, he's a professor now. Dr. Peter Reid took on a long term contract with a local city college in Toronto about a year and a half ago which, for the girls, means that they can attend the same schools this year as they had last year �� a rare occurrence in their academic careers that adds even more fuel to their excitement for the upcoming school year.
For Alexa, another year in a public high school means even more, however. It means she'll finally be able to spend more time with her boyfriend, Marc. Her very secret boyfriend, Marc. No one in her family even suspects that he exists, despite the fact that it about killed her to go without seeing him all summer long. Finally, though, the time when she and Marc can be together again is drawing very near, and Alexa can feel her excitement growing with each passing day. Not for the first time, Alexa wishes that she could have spent her birthday alone with Marc, but knowing how her father would react if he knew she was in a serious relationship quickly dispels any notion Alexa has of ever mentioning Marc's name in mixed company. Still, a girl can dream.
I'm sure he'll text me at some point today, anyway, she smiles to herself.
“Come on, ladies,�� Dad cries with the same level of enthusiasm he'd used when singing 'Happy Birthday', “blow out your candles, already! You know the drill! Let's go! Mallie, you're up first this year.��
“Please don't call me that,�� Malleri sighs in phony irritation. “And are we seriously still doing this?��
“Yeah,�� Teri chimes in, “aren't we getting a little old for this whole candle ritual?��
“Impossible!�� Dad exclaims with a grin. “Especially not when we're so close to a balanced year! Now blow!��
“That's what he said,�� Alexa mutters under her breath, smiling as her sisters dissolve into laughter.
“Hey!�� Dad snaps while failing to stifle his own chuckle. “None of that, now! Come on, Mal, they're melting!�� Malleri lets out another heavy sigh and one of the candles puffs out.
“Ack,�� she cries, dismayed. “I wasn't ready!��
“Too bad,�� Dad laughs. “Lex, you're up!�� Alexa chooses one of the remaining 16 lit candles and quickly blows it out before stepping back to let Teri have her turn. Every birthday since they'd turned three years of age, their father had insisted that they each take turns blowing out one candle at a time until they'd reached a multiple of three, and then they'd blow out whichever ones were left together. As kids, it had just been fun on its own, since the more candles there were on the cake, the harder it became to just blow one out. As they grew older, however, the sisters began trying to create a pattern in the candles that they were blowing out and, if there were two remaining, they'd tried to leave a split to divide the candles that were left and see if they could still get them blown out in one go, even if they all took a step back from the cake to do so. On what Dad referred to as a “balanced�� year, each girl had the same number of candles to blow out, and they always tried to get just theirs out in one breath, while leaving the rest still lit for the other two. It's the little things, Alexa decides as she bends to blow out another candle for her turn.
Once all of the candles are out, Teri goes to the kitchen to grab plates while Dad makes a pile of melted wax out of the stubs that are left.
“You girls were slow this year,�� Dad observes. “At this rate I'll have to just ice the cake with candle wax by the time you turn twenty-one!��
“Ugh, we are NOT still doing this when we are twenty-one, Father!�� Malleri wrinkles her nose in disgust. “After next year, it's done! Kind of a gay tradition, anyway.��
“Hey,�� Dad frowns, “what have I said to you about using that kind of language?��
“You said, 'don't',�� Malleri concedes, “but...��
“Exactly,�� Dad cuts in, satisfied.
“BUT,�� Malleri continues, “when someone actually IS gay, we can say it all we want, however we want. Take back the power of the word, you know?��
“O�� really?�� Dad has turned on his most skeptical voice now.
“Yes,�� Malleri insists. “Everyone does it! It's like how black guys are always calling one another n-��
“Plates!�� Teri pushes herself between her father and sister, effectively cutting both off from saying anything further. “Let's eat!��

Everyone dreams of being someone else, but for teenaged triplets Melinda, Teri and Alexa Reid, the sentiment takes on a more literal meaning when they are transported into other people's bodies while they sleep.
As the sisters embark on their final year of high school, each has been having vivid dreams of events and emotions happening in lives not their own �� but all from a victim's point of view. Melinda feels an instant attraction to one of her classmates, but fears for the girl's safety when she begins to have nightmares involving a man's frequent visits to her bedroom. Teri becomes more withdrawn and depressed each day, but it's not until she meets another cutter at school that she realizes her problems are not hers alone. And Alexa just wants to spend more private time with her boyfriend, until she endures visions of another boy being brutally bullied by some of their schoolmates.
When one sister has a vision while she is awake, the girls learn that they are Furies �� ancient creatures believed by most to be only a myth. Even more troubling is the discovery that a Fury's visions will only increase in intensity until their wrath is invoked, perpetrators are punished, and justice for the victims has been done.
SUFFER THE FURY tackles some universal issues like sex, bullying and suicide, but ultimately it is a story about family and friendship, which transcends the norm by adding a modern supernatural twist to an ancient myth come to life.

Everyone dreams of being someone else from time to time, but for teenaged triplets Melinda, Teri and Alexa Reid, the sentiment takes on new meaning when they are transported into other people's bodies while they are asleep.
As the sisters embark on their final year of high school, each has been having vivid dreams of events and emotions happening in lives not their own �� but all from the victim's point of view. Melinda feels an instant attraction to one of her classmates, but fears for the girl's safety when she begins to have nightmares involving a man's frequent visits to her friend's bedroom. Teri becomes more withdrawn and depressed each day, but it's not until she meets another cutter in her school that she realizes her problems are not hers alone. And Alexa is just happy to spend more private time with her boyfriend until she endures nightly visions of another boy being brutally bullied by several of their schoolmates.
When one sister has a vision while she is awake, the girls learn that they are Furies �� ancient creatures believed by most to be nothing more than myth. Even more troubling is the discovery that a Fury's visions will only increase in intensity until their wrath is invoked, perpetrators are punished, and justice for the victims has been done.SUFFER THE FURY tackles issues of relevance and importance to today's teens and adults alike, but ultimately it is a story about family and friendship which transcends the norm by adding a twist of supernatural flavour to an ancient myth come to life.

One of the many wonderful things about the system is their Writer In Residence program.�� I'd never heard of it until a friend pointed me in that direction last year, just in time to get an except of Carving The Light submitted to the woman who was the WIR that time, .
��
The idea is that, depending on what sort of manuscripts that particular author is willing to work with, budding writers can submit the first 10 pages or so of their work, and earn a conference with a published author to receive feedback and possible tips for strengthening their manuscript.�� There are usually several lectures, receptions, readings and such, as well, but I have yet to attend any of them due to time constraints and my work schedule.�� One of these days, hopefully.

Last year, unfortunately, I got my submission in so late that Elizabeth didn't have enough conference slots to book me into before the end of her term.�� However, she decided to go through and make notes for me, anyway, then delivered the whole thing to me in person so that we could go over it all at least for a few minutes!�� Who does that?�� :)

Her notes were very helpful to me, actually, and I used many of them - along with feedback from Vine Reviewers - to re-work the entire manuscript for the when I submitted it this year.�� Since Carving The Light was named as a Quarterfinalist in the contest this time around, and since the reviewer from Publisher's Weekly who read it did not seem to abhor the entire submission, I'm thinking that all of that advice put me futher along on the right track!�� My plan for CTL now is to take all of the feedback I've been receiving, re-work the complete manuscript once again, and then re-issue the book in paperback and e-book versions again.�� I'm taking a break from it first, though, because I want to let it sit for a bit - and because I have far too many other things to focus on at the moment!

Anyway, THIS year, the Writer In Residence is children's author .�� I was deciding between sending her Ebon Black and the Seven Dryads - which is already in print - or the rather new and untitled Ellie Skye story that I wrote for last year.�� I submitted pretty much right away this time, and then waited a few months before getting my conference time with Sarah booked.�� Which means that, by the time I got to her office, I really had no idea which manuscript I'd decided to send her.

Luckily for moi, Sarah Ellis is a lovely person, and we had a great chat about writing and indie publishing and choosing children as a target audience before we even bothered to get down to the actual submitted piece.�� I was pretty sure walking in that I'd given her the more polished Ebon piece to read, and was all ready to talk about possibly fleshing it out and making it more appropriate for young adult readers, rather than children.�� So it was kind of a happy surprise to find that I'd actually given her the first chapter or so of Ellie Skye, instead!

I had to change gears, but it all came back really quickly, and we started off with the things I'd done well, before moving to the things I could work on in the next draft.�� She loved Ellie as a character, and said I'd gotten her voice just right for a 12-year-old girl.�� She also loved Teddy the stuffed dog as a character, because I'd infused him with all the personality that he has in Ellie's eyes.�� And some of my imagery was unique and well done, to boot, so apparently I am off to a good start.

We discussed narration, and I told her about how I'd written Ellie so quickly (50K words in 30 days) and that I'd done Ebon not long before, so I struggled with keeping Ellie's close 3rd person voice throughout, rather than slipping into the sardonic omnicient 3rd narration of Ebon's tale from time to time.�� We also discussed the infamous show-don't-tell rule, and she showed me examples where I'd done each one, while giving suggestions for how to show more of the things I told.�� Oh!�� And she said I'd created Nana's house so concretely that she felt it was an actual house I'd known in life.�� It's not, but parts of it are based in reality, and I drew a floorplan for how I thought it would actually look before i wrote about it.�� That helped a lot, but I am pleased to know that the world I was creating seemed visual and real to the reader, too!

Sarah gave me the excerpt back with her typed-out notes to take with me when we were done.�� Then she sat back in her chair and said, "So...what happens next?"�� I spent a good 20 minutes or so going over everything that happens in the book, after which she asked detailed questions about different character motivations, how hierarchy in the alternate world was established, what the weather is like there, how time works between the two, etc.�� The funny thing is, I haven't looked back at Ellie since I wrote its first draft in November 2011.�� But as we talked about it, everything came rushing back to me, and I was answering her questions with the knowledge of the story that is in my head.�� Now, whether that is all evident in the book, or not, remains to be seen.�� But as I shook her hand and left, I felt pleased with and excited about the story again.�� It's back in my mind, and now I have both the bare bones of a first draft to work with, as well as the overall tips I received from my conference with Sarah to help me move through the editing and revising process.�� There is something important I think I need to write first, but Ellie is definitely still in there.�� Maybe now she stands a good chance of being seen in print one day soon, as well!

A fabulous experience, this program.�� I'm so happy that my friend finally showed me the way!

I'm still sort of in shock, and struggling to figure out what I want to say, let alone how to say it, but I promised myself that I would do my best to get some thoughts down tonight, on the eve of this very crazy day.

Carving The Light was announced as one of the 250 General Fiction novels to advance to the Quarterfinal round of the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award contest. I can't believe it! I checked the list, saw my name, and was in the processing of refreshing the page (I was certain that I was still looking at the 2nd round list instead of the quarterfinalist list) when I got the first congratulatory note on my Facebook profile page. It was true - it was real. I'm a quarterfinalist for the first time ever!

Before I talk about my reviews this year, let me first talk about last year. It was my first time entering the contest, and I met a lot of wonderful people (many of whom I'm still in touch with), and learned SO much about the contest and the process of finding a publisher and/or agent for my work. I got help from the awesome folks on the Pitch Thread, and they helped me craft a pitch that was good enough to get me through the first round. After that, it was a matter of waiting for the excerpts to be reviewed by two different Vine reviewers to see who would advance to the Quarterfinals from there.

I was not one of them. My reviewers both pretty much hated my excerpt. They didn't like the characters, they felt the plot was slow to nonexistent...there wasn't much good to say about it at all. And I was heartbroken. More than that, I'd already lost all faith in myself, before I even wrote the book. But this was somehow more personal. I'd had faith in the characters - in the story - and now it seemed I'd been mistaken in that, too.

So I pouted a good long while, and then wrote the first draft of a whole different story to enter this year. A couple of months before ABNA submissions began, however, I slowly began to realize that Carving The Light and I weren't done with one another yet. There were still revisions to be made, and it still needed to make another run at this whole contest-entering process.

I started trying to come up with ways to change the manuscript and make it stronger. I went through all of the criticisms that had been brought up in conversation over the years, and the two reviews I received in the second round last year. I even tried to come up with ways to make it flow a little more logically for my own mind.

I focused on the beginning; on making the excerpt strong. I wanted to make it move faster, and have the tension build for the reader as much as it was building for the Collins girls as the weekend grew closer. I made the time between the death of their parents and the present events, so everyone is younger. This benefits Trick the dog especially well. I was also told to focus on the present more in the beginning, so i moved some flashbacks either further back in the story, or took them out all together. I tried to lose most of the adverbs in the excerpt (though I suspect they are still plentiful in the rest of the manuscript). I tried to make Sarah stronger and less willing to just accept all of Sam's crap all the time. I think there were other things, but I am too distracted to remember now. Suffice it to say, I tried to create a stronger beginning, and am now wishing I'd spent more time on the rest of the manuscript, since now it's all going to be read from start to finish, and by Publisher's Weekly, of all things! Egad.

Additionally, there were some small but wonderful changes in the ABNA process this year. One is that the Vine reviewers were also given a copy of the pitch to read with the excerpt, which would give them a chance to see where the story was going once the beginning pages had been read. Another was that the reviewers were able to list their preferred genres to read, which means there was at least a minor chance that our manuscripts would end up in the hands of readers who wouldn't hate them from the opening lines.

Based on my experience from last year, all of this made me hopeful that my reviews would be a little better this time around. I used the same pitch to get through the first round again, and then basically just prayed quietly that my literary baby wouldn't be quite as chewed up this year.

NONE of that made me think I'd make it through this round to the quarterfinals, though! I mean, I didn't even talk about it! I didn't tell anyone how nervous i suddenly was this morning, waiting for the lists to go up. I couldn't mention how many times I checked the boards to commisserate with my fellow 2nd round authors as we all waited together. And even when I actually saw my name on the list, it wasn't until after I'd received my first congratulations (Fielder, that was all you, so you know) that I verbalized the impossible. Somehow, Carving The Light had made it through, and had become an ABNA Quarterfinalist at last!

I hadn't even bothered to look ahead to what this round would entail. I had to go back and read the rules to find out what's supposed to happen now. And, admittedly, part of me want to check AGAIN to be sure that I made it through before I even post this. However, I have received my two Vine reviews, and I will post both of them below. Also, once everything has been set up, you'll be able to read everyone's excerpts and reviews and leave comments of your own .

I've read the reviews�� below through a couple of times, and I am still having trouble sorting out my thoughts. I am grateful, I am relieved, I am eager to make even more changes (though I will wait for Publisher's Weekly to give their two cents first), and I am suddenly a bit panicked at the idea that I may have to revise and re-issue Carving The Light in softcover and e-book versions a third time to keep everything consistent. Sigh.

But that is for another time. For now, please feel free to read and comment on the reviews I received below, and once the Amazon links are up, I highly encourage everyone to go through and read some of the other excerpts that made it through this year. You can even read mine, since I don't think I let anyone read what I actually submitted to ABNA, now that I think about it! ;)

There are a lot of wonderful indie authors out there, and not all of them made it through to this round. I am honoured to be among them all, however, because just entering takes an enormous amount of courage and determination, and as peers and friends, I don't think I could ask for any better. I am a very lucky Sue, indeed.





ABNA Expert Reviewer
What is the strongest aspect of this excerpt?

The story line, the writing, the characters, the situations each girl finds herself in, all are strong and firm aspects of this excerpt. The book seems to be headed in a good and definite direction. The plot is interesting and held my attention. The characters are people a reader would care about and want to travel on their journey with them.

What aspect needs the most work?

Honestly, no weak points were evident to this reader.

What is your overall opinion of this excerpt?

This reader would love to read this book. This excerpt had my rapt attention and I was sorry when it ended. I wanted more -- !!!

This would be a great book club read. This is definitely a book for women. Each character has a story to share that most women can relate to.

There is a strong sense of family and love, which just adds sweetness to the pot. However, this book has depth and isn't some sunshine and lollipop read.

〶�

ABNA Expert Reviewer

What is the strongest aspect of this excerpt?

Three sisters, each harboring secrets from the others, are preparing to meet for Thanksgiving. Good start on a story with infinite possibilities. Thanksgiving is always a hotbed of family intrigue, and this one promises to have more than most.

What aspect needs the most work?

It's a quirk of mine, but I like knowing where events are taking place. Reference is made to plane travel, to weather issues, but I'd like a little more specificity with regard to locations.

What is your overall opinion of this excerpt?

Three sisters who have had to be unusually close due to the sudden death of their parents 15 years earlier, plan their Thanksgiving reunion. Each is harboring secrets of their own, worrying about whether truths will be revealed. Each is so self absorbed that she doesn't realize the other two are holding their own earth shaking revelations. The reader is teased about what the final outcome will be, and since the younger two have secrets of exceeding relevance, it pricks interest in the outcome. The writing is smooth, and the excerpt ended with me wanting more.

I really have no desire��to review this film - there's nothing I could say that hasn't been said already a thousand times over. I feel the need, instead, to convey my personal experience while watching the movie, and what it meant to me.

My love affair with Marilyn Monroe began years and years ago, when I was in my teens. I'd read an article by an author who'd given a possible take on the star's final hours from her own point of view, and her story kind of got inside me and never went away. I feel fiercely protective of her and her image to this day, and it is for that reason that I hesitated to even see this film. I love Michelle Williams (I'd even cast her in the film adaptation of my first book, if I could), and I could tell from the trailers that she did a good job being Marilyn - but would she do as well portraying Norma Jeane? I knew the tale was told from yet another man's perspective on the icon, and I was not at all sure that I wanted to see what he had to say. I wasn't sure I even cared.

When I found out that the film would soon be released on DVD and Blu-Ray, I decided that it would make the perfect first order through Rogers On Demand for me. I could watch it in the privacy of my own home, and it would be cheaper than seeing it in a theatre, anyway, just in case I wasn't happy with what I saw. But then I started thinking: Marilyn died a decade before I was born. I've only seen a handful of her films, and none of them on the big screen. It occured to me that this might be my first opportunity to sit in a dark theatre and see her larger than life - the way people saw her at the height of her career. Even knowing it wasn't really her, I was suddenly consumed by the desire to fall in love with Marilyn the way��the rest of the world��had at the time; the way she'd created herself to be seen - on the silver screen.

So, on easily the nicest day we've seen so far this year, I made my way through the sunshine and crowded streets to the small theatre near my apartment that I knew was still screening the film.�� I settled in with my popcorn and soda in the dark with about 5 other people, and waited for my experience to begin.

I admit to being a bit nervous, but for the most part, I was game to take the ride. The text that introduces the film claims that what we are about to watch is Colin and Marilyn's true story. "According to HIM," I thought with some bitterness, which I then swept aside to just watch.

My first impression of Michelle as Marilyn was one of vague acceptance. I could tell she wasn't Marilyn, but she had the curves and the moves down, and I figured I could live with it. We didn't see her again for awhile after that first glimpse, as Colin watched her on the big screen.�� We were instead wrapped up in his story of trying to find his own way in the world, and his desire to work on an actual motion picture set. I enjoyed watching him navigate his way into a world dominated by arrogant men and the women who held them up (I'm looking at you, Sir Lawrence Olivier), and found my excitement also reaching a fever pitch with the other characters as we grew nearer and nearer to the arrival of Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller in England to shoot what would become The Prince and The Showgirl.

The moment she appeared in the doorway of the plane - a scarf tied around her platinum blond hair and large dark glasses covering her wide blue eyes, the on-screen press went wild, and my tears welled up. I knew in that moment that I was no longer watching Michelle Williams, nor any other modern day actor portraying characters from the past. I'd been transported back in time, and was being given a rare glimpse into the world of my beloved Marilyn Monroe.

And from that moment on, I was in. I was there - in London, on set, in her dressing room, in her bedroom. I was horrified by how she was treated, I was terrified watching crowds swarm her any time she was out in public. I danced through the leaves barefoot in the sun with her, I teared as we sat in her loneliness, and I felt awkward nervousness almost overwhelm me every time we were on set.

"All anyone ever sees is 'Marilyn Monroe'..."

I watched as everyone around her continued to talk into her ear, telling her what to do and what to think. And not a one of them was listening to her. They gave her pills to control her every emotion and action - it's a wonder the woman was able to hold on to any sense of self whatsoever. When she explains to Paula that she doesn't understand how her character could be so dumb as to not realize that the Prince had only invited her there to sleep with her, she's simply told that she's the greatest actress who ever was, and it's left at that. She's basically told to use her assets - instead of acting - by the same man who would later quietly admit that she could light up the screen like no other, and her with no training nor education to boot.

"When Marilyn gets it right, you don't even want to look at anyone else."

Ain't that the truth.

There's a scene in Windsor Castle when Marilyn is looking with child-like glee at an enormous dollhouse, complete with a mini-family inside, which she immediately fantasizes to be Colin and herself. "Look how pretty our daughter is," she muses wistfully. "A little girl should be told every day that she's pretty, and always know how much her mother loves her." She also tells Colin that she grew up mostly in "other people's homes". Those brief, quiet moments were some of the saddest I've ever seen. I felt them right along with her - my own eyes filling with tears to match hers.

In one of her more chaotic, alcohol and pill-infused times, I was hit with the sudden realization that I was watching a woman drown. She was trying to hold herself together, but it was, perhaps, an impossible task. I'd always thought I could go back in time and listen to her and make her laugh and talk to her - really see her - and that that would somehow be enough to save her. I thought that if someone - anyone - could have made her feel loved, instead of just saying the words to her - that maybe the broken girl would heal and grow into a whole and complete woman, somehow. But maybe Marilyn couldn't be saved. In a world that would stare at her and not see her, judge her and not listen to her, rule her and not know her - maybe in the world that created her, there was no place for her to actually exist. Maybe no amount of my truth - nor anyone else's - would have been enough to allow her to find her own. Thank you, Michelle Williams, for finding and letting us see tiny��pieces of her truth, at least. It means more to me than I know how to express.

"Should I be her?"

Watching that film, my emotions were all over the place. Some moments, my heart would swell with a thrilling happy pride and I would laugh out loud from the sheer joy of it. Others saw my heart pounding and shattering from the fruitlessness of it all. I know how that story actually ends, you see, and yet I couldn't help but root for a different outcome. Seeing Marilyn walk onto the set one last time to apologize to the cast and crew, and express a wish for them to remember that she'd��tried her best - that one scene alone about destroyed me. The truth is, I just never wanted to say goodbye. Not to her.

As a movie, The Prince and the Showgirl didn't leave much of an impression on me, but I don't think I would ever pass up the chance to see Marilyn up on the big screen sometime - the way she was meant to be seen. Viewing Gentlemen Prefer Blondes in a dark theatre would almost be a dream come true, really. It's my very favourite, after all.

But, as far as My Week With Marilyn goes, I can honestly say this: By the time the final credits started to roll and the lights came up, it was all I could do to walk out of there without sobbing my broken-hearted tears for one of the world's original Lost Girls.

For that, too, I will always be thankful.

Goodbye Norma Jeane.

��I guess I've always been a bit of an outsider.�� Not in a deliberate, cool, rebellious kind of way, but in a sort of sad, distant, my-passions-lie-elsewhere sort of sense.�� I spent a lot of time alone reading, writing and daydreaming, or playing with my brother and/or the few good friends we had around us while growing up.�� Sometimes, my passions were shared by those around me, but - more often than not - I was kind of loving things on my own.�� Usually it was difficult (if not impossible) to find another living soul who loved something the same way I did, or with the same intensity.

��While I still mostly feel that to be true now, I find that the internet has brought geeks together in ways never seen before, and I generally feel less alone in my enthusiasm for things.�� Because apparently - no matter how remote and unheard of something I love may be to the populace at large - there is at least one other person out there in the world who shares my giddy fondness for things I thought I was alone in loving.�� It's really just a matter of finding those precious few.

��I've been thinking a lot lately on television shows - both those presently watched and those long gone.�� It's likely that my becoming involved with had a lot to do with it, actually, because part of our reason for creating the blog was to give voice to things we were loving that didn't seem to be getting much coverage in our social and internet circles.�� I finally have a venue in which to talk about the things that currently have my attention, but I was thinking - why not dive into some of those nearly-forgotten passions of my youth?�� Why not talk about all of the TV shows I watched that really meant something to me personally, regardless of whether or not anyone else on the planet was watching them at the time, too?

��I mean, I certainly grew up on TV.�� We always had one in the house, I think.�� Though we didn't always have cable, that's for sure!�� Ah, the antenna days of 3 channels, or so.�� Depending on the weather.�� Despite having so little to choose from, we actually managed to watch a lot of TV as kids.�� All the usual stuff...Flintstones, Looney Tunes, Leave It To Beaver, Little Rascals, the Wonderful World of Disney every Sunday, and a plethora of Saturday morning cartoons - some of which you'd know, some of which you may never have heard of (or maybe forgotten).�� I remember having vague kid crushes on Loretta Swit on M*A*S*H* and Erin Gray on Buck Rogers.�� The Bionic Woman and Wonder Woman.�� I would go on to have MANY more crushes on TV characters after those first early days of my existence.�� Several in particular would go on to haunt my consciousness for years after - some even to this day.

��I think now, when I watch something new on TV, part of me is still looking for that undefinable spark of magic in the stories and characters I see on screen, that will get inside me and take hold.�� I'll spend time later, perhaps, talking about the more current incarnations, but I think that only time and distance can really work as an indicator to how strongly things will continue to resonate with me once they are gone, so for now, I will talk a bit about some of the things I loved to watch most when I was growing up.�� You can check them out below!



Battle of the Planets:

Probably one of my very favourites when it was on, BOTP took up time watching together with friends after school, and I remember playing different scenarios as the characters all the time, and bantering about theories as to the evil Zoltar's true identity - I even remember drawing everyone out on paper and hanging them on the walls in my closet so I could sit in there and talk to them (don't bother, I've been making the jokes in my head for ages)!�� And no, even though there was only one girl in the G-Force group, she was not the character I represented when we'd play.�� I was Mark, my brother was Keyop.�� Jason, Tiny and Princess were played by whoever was there at the time.�� It's kind of a ridiculous show to sit and watch now, but there's still enough fond memory inside me to make it totally worth mentioning here.


Charlie's Angels and The Greatest American Hero:



��If my early love of Bionic Woman and Wonder Woman were any indication that my "heroes" would stray from the Supermans, Spidermans, Batmans and Incredible Hulks of my youth, it would really be no surprise that these two shows would dominate, instead.�� I think I loved every single cast member of Charlie's Angels over the years.�� Except Shelley Hack.�� As Tiffany, she replaced Kate Jackson's exiting Sabrina, and my wee heart was far too broken to forgive her at the time.�� I'm much better now, but even then, I am sure I didn't realize how much I adored Kate Jackson until she was gone.�� I watched other Angels come and go, but Sabrina Duncan was the only departed gal I never got over losing.�� She was the sole reason I started watching Scarecrow and Mrs. King, actually - but then I ended up just loving that show on its own, too.

��Greatest American Hero was...I don't even remember how I started watching it.�� All I really remember from the time it was actually on TV was that Bill Maxwell was funny, and Ralph couldn't land (once he'd figured out how to fly) to save his butt.�� And Connie Sellecca is really pretty.�� I remembered something vague about Ralph being full of electricity and needing to keep the suit on or he'd die.�� But a few years ago, I bought the series set on DVD and watched them all again - and I loved it even more!�� Okay, fine, yes, I bought the set that comes in a tin case with a cape and t-shirt iron-on and freaking light-up instruction manual, okay?�� Sheesh!�� BUT it was the show itself that I fell back in love with.�� Those three actors worked really well together, and while the storylines got ridiculous as the studio became more involved, the characters at the heart of it were genuine and real, and I happily followed them through to the bitter end once again.


Jennifer Slept Here:



��I need to talk about this show.�� I need it to come out on DVD, actually, so that I can buy it and have it for ever and always.�� Half-remembered as a simple comedy about a family who moves into a home previously occupied by a famous movie star who'd died too soon, only to learn that the previous occupant hadn't really left, I knew it was something I'd enjoyed, but I think I'd watched it more because my parents had turned it on.�� The teenaged boy (the only one who could see Jennifer the ghost) was kind of cute, and Ann Jillian is still beautiful even now, but I didn't remember much specific about it, until I discovered that someone had recorded every episode from their television, and posted it all on YouTube for me to enjoy all these years later.�� And enjoy I did!�� I actually stopped watching with 3 episodes left to go in the series, because I found myself becoming too sad to get any closer to the end of it all.�� It's still funny, it's still moving, and in some ways, it's even still relevant.�� I've never so badly wanted to move into a new place and find some gorgeous famous ghost living there, as I do now, too!�� Just sayin'.

Silver Spoons:



��My wee kid-crush on Erin Gray would grow much stronger while watching her on this show, but it would be outshone by my absolute adoration of one Ricky Schroder.�� I've talked about him already, so I won't babble much on about him now.�� Suffice it to say that I grew up watching him on Silver Spoons.�� As his character struggled to find his identity, so too would young Suzie Q work through some of the same issues, often turning to The Ricker as a guide of sorts.�� And it was funny...they actually did a lot with that show that I appreciated even more after I got older and started looking back on it.�� It will forever be a favourite of mine.�� The fact that I now get to talk to Erin Gray semi-regularly is just a wonderful bonus.�� ;)

Facts of Life:



��This is another one I've started collecting on DVD.�� I'm happy to say that it also holds up well all this time later.�� I grew up watching these girls, and the performances across the board are all genuine and sincerely wonderful.�� Jo, Natalie, Blair and Tootie were kind of my guides to how to grow up, and I would follow the advice of Mrs. Garrett to this day.�� I had strong feelings for Family Ties, Growing Pains, etc, as well, but it was Facts of Life that spoke to the young girl in me, and I will always have a space in my heart for it.�� Especially now, actually, because I still find myself laughing out loud at various episodes, and crying through others, even when I know the lines so well I can almost recite them with the actors.�� They accomplished something really special with that one, I think.


Drama and Action Shows:


��Now we get into some of��the heavy hitters for me, really.�� The Dukes of Hazzard gave me my very first moment of feeling safe and content as a child, when I was introduced to my first episode in Georgia with my cousin and his mom.



��The A-Team was wastched religiously and reeenacted with friends when we played after.�� Again, I was not Amy the girl.�� Naturally, I played Hannibal, the brains behind the operation!��



��Code Red, about a good-looking, fire-fighting family (led by Lorne Greene), who sort of adopt an orphaned kid into their department.�� I think it preached about fire safety or something, but all I really remember is wanting to be Adam Rich's character and have those people all looking after me.



��The Littlest Hobo was a dog who went from place to place helping people, and having a new name every episode.�� I really wanted him to come stay with me, and always cried when the theme song would play at the end of the episode and the shepherd would move on to another place.

��Hardcastle and McCormick I really just remember for the car.�� I was more of a Knight Rider girl, I guess.�� A lot of shows were built around vehicles back then, hey?��



��And finally, Twin Peaks - I can not say enough about it.�� I was obsessed.�� Everything was a clue.�� I had Laura's Diary.�� Okay, I still have it.�� Don't judge me!�� I recorded every single episode from my TV onto VHS...oh, to have a look at some of those tapes again!�� The commercials alone would be hilarious!�� And even now, watching them discover Laura Palmer's body and give the news to her family and friends is beyond heartbreaking.�� Such a great and bizarre show.�� Plus, if you're not at least a little in love with Audrey Horne, you probably don't have a pulse.

Science Fiction Shows:

��Again...there were so many that I loved and still love.�� This is really just a handful, culled from fond memories of my TV-watching youth.�� There were many, MANY more.



��Automan:�� All I really remember about this show was that the dude was actually kind of a computer (he glowed like Tron), and he followed around Cursor, which was literally an old-school blip from the days when computer mainframes took up entire rooms, if not buildings.�� And Cursor would show him where to go.�� Or something.�� I think he solved crimes with a human partner.�� Or something.�� He had a cool car, though.�� Again with the vehicles.



��Misfits of Science:�� Early Courtney Cox, anyone?�� I freaking loved this show about a group of misfits who were set apart because of their peculiar abilities.�� They had a telepath, a tall guy who could shrink to the size of a Ken doll by pressing a spot on his neck, a guitar player who shot bolts of electricity from his hands...and a leader who was all too human, but eager to make a difference in the world, so he assembled them all into a team, determined to fight crime.�� Or something.



��The Powers of Matthew Star:�� Peter Barton played Matthew Star, a super-cute teenaged alien who ended up on Earth somehow and had Louis Gossett Jr. as a guide and mentor.�� He was just trying to fit in a his high school while evading government bad guy scientist types who kept trying to capture him, if I recall correctly.�� I just remember thinking he was cute.



��Starman:�� Another cute boy in Christopher Daniel Barnes was welcomed to my TV set in the form of this spin-off from the Jeff Bridges movie of the same name.�� He played the son of Starman; the result of a relationship between his human mother and off-world father in the movie.�� Again, I really just remember thinking he was cute.



��Voyagers!:�� I just bought the DVD complete series a few years ago, and I am kind of surprised to say that it actually still holds up.�� The beautiful and tragically gone-too-soon Jon Erik Hexum played Voyager Phineas Bogg, a time-traveller who - led by his Omni device (I want one) - would go to spots in time where something was going wrong, and have to fix it.�� He accidentally ends up in 1985 (?) and climbs into a boy's bedroom, only to be surprised by the boy and attacked by the child's dog, who grabs the guidebook and knocks boy and Bogg out the window, where they jump to another time with Omni before falling to their deaths.�� Bogg is lost without his guidebook, but the boy, Jeffrey, is a history whiz, and can usually figure out what's wrong with the time periods they end up in.�� I learned a lot of famous historical moments through that show, but it never felt like learning.�� There were guest stars a-plenty during the series' short run, and it sort of led to me loving Punky Brewster (Meeno Peluce, who played Jeffrey, is Soleil Moon-Frye's brother) and Quantum Leap (which dealt with a similar theme, but with more ordinary people most of the time), I really can't express my love for it enough.�� Watching it now still gives me some of the same feelings I remember having when I watched it as a kid.�� You can't ask for more than that.



��V:�� My obsession with V is complete and total and still continues to this day.�� I can't get enough of it, and trying to talk about it here is almost a waste, simply because there is no way to adequately express how much that miniseries and series meant to me as a kid, nor how much it still means to me now.�� Mike Donovan, Julie Parrish...DIANA!�� I love that whole world and the characters and the re-imagined version that was on recently took hold in a different way for me, but my heart will always in part belong to the original.�� Not that it was better television, per se, but... it became my escape, my safe place, my comfort food - for so long.�� Even now, I like to wrap myself in it and just be there.�� It's my favourite.�� So is Faye Grant.





��X-Files:�� I was older when this one took hold, but given that I watched it religiously for the full 9 years that it was on - and that I am working my way through all of the episodes again now on DVD - I feel like this show spoke to me as an outsider, and made it cool for me to be a part of the larger world.�� I had friends who watched it at the time, and I discover new people all the time who loved it then, and who love it now.�� The fact that Gillian Anderson has been announced as a guest for here in August 2012 is almost too much for me to bear.�� I nearly stopped breathing when I read the news.�� It's just that exciting to me, and pretty much just because of this show.�� I think both she and David Duchovny are talented actors, but there's just something about spending so much time with Mulder and Scully that just makes me feel not alone.�� Not in a The Truth Is Out There kind of way, either.�� More in the sense that it's another safe place - safe for me to be me and live in a world where anything can happen.�� I think that X-Files is maybe second only to V for how it makes me feel.�� And as excited as I am by the possibility of meeting Gillian Anderson in real life, it's likely that I'd lose my mind completely if Marc Singer, Faye Grant or Jane Badler were coming to a con near me.�� But chances are I will lose my mind over Gillian, just the same.�� ;)

��So there you have it.�� There is a whole list of other shows I could talk about right in front of me, but I think these are the important ones for today.�� Also, this is one really long post!�� I never intend to say so much, but I guess that's what I get for trying to write about something I love.�� Apparently, once I get started, I find it very difficult to stop!��

��Or something.