R.J. Lewis's Blog
May 1, 2023
SIREN Chapter One
It's officially May, and we're now eighteen days away from the release of Siren!
To celebrate, we're dropping the first chapter for you to read early!
� This is a *dark* fantasy romance. Please read responsibly and read the list of content warnings available on authorarrose.com�
𝘼 𝙘𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙚𝙙 𝙘𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙖𝙞𝙣 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙛𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙞𝙣 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙖 𝙨𝙞𝙧𝙚𝙣.
MAY 18 🏴☠ R.J. Lewis + A.R. Rose
🔱 A dark reimagined fairytale inspired by The Little Mermaid
🔱 Enemies to Lovers
🔱 Forbidden
🔱 Age Gap
🔱 One Bed
🔱 Captive
Preorder:
Add to your TBR: /book/show/1...
Chapter One - James
Chaos. Screams of agony in the Black Sea. The long strands of colorful hair and sparkling eyes that speak of purity and sin. A heart beating raucously, desire like liquid heat in my veins as she swims gracefully to me, her bare breasts teasingly visible above the waterline.
Tick-tock.
Tick-tock.
Cock thickening, lust clouding my thoughts as she draws near to me, her skin glimmering even in the darkness.
She’s so beautiful, it physically puts an ache in my center. And I know it’s not real—she’s an illusion. A murderous little fish, hardly human. I know I must kill her—she knows she must kill me. Yet she stops right before me, those innocent eyes growing blacker, her skin greyer, her teeth sharpening as she bares them to me.
She’s playing with me.
Taking her time.
Her instincts ache to rip my heart out.
As her beauty fades into the sea, the monstrous-looking siren swims before me, omnipotent. My body instantly grows rigid, the lust dissipating from my body. But before I can fight, an enchanting sound falls from her lips. It’s so riveting, my being softens, though my mind is screaming—screaming so loud, I feel like a trapped prey in my own body!
She nears, drawing so close, I feel the ripples in the water surrounding her. Surrounding us.
A sudden burn radiates from my chest as she carves into it with her long claws, and then I hear it—a piercing of flesh and bone, followed by a pain so great, I lose complete mobility.
I stare wide-eyed into the black eyes of this demonic woman as she holds my heart in her tight grip.
And crushes it.
*
Stirring from my dream, I hear him before he’s even entered my quarters. His stench—cigar smoke and misery—permeates the air the moment the door opens. His quiet footsteps are so light—that of a frail old man—even my fucking dog, Rex, doesn’t stir at my side.
My eyes open, but I remain still. His silhouette disturbs the darkness as he approaches my side. On reflex, my hand curls around my switchblade beneath the pillow. Years of engrained training to be ready at any unexpected threat, you’d think I wouldn’t be set off so quickly, being in the comfort of my own fucking ship.
But, alas, that is not the case.
Bloodshed is like water to me now. It’s everywhere. I need it to live, to survive, to rule. And just like water, I might drown in it one day. Because all it takes is for one enemy to outsmart me, and as I’ve learned with a dead family behind me, an enemy will always find a way to get to you.
It’s why I clench my blade tight; it’s why I stare up at Grimy and know that, despite his loyal servitude, he might be the one to plunge a dagger into my chest when I least expect it.
Even the one I trust the most, I question.
I’m crazy. Those dreams are getting inside my head�
He doesn’t reach out to touch me. Instead, his voice wafts to me in a hesitant whisper. “We are fogged, your—Captain.�
Not a rarity. I flare my nose, growling, “If all you’ve come here to do is tell me we’ve been fogged, I swear to fucking God, you’ll be walking the plank within the hour, Grimy.�
He pauses in his response, and I stare at his face intently, waiting for more. “We should be nearing the Isle of Morda—�
“If it’s reefs you’re concerned with, have Martin at the bow of the ship with a sounding line—�
“Already done—�
“You should detect how shallow the waters are—�
“That’s the thing, Captain, we have.� Grimy sounded uneasy now, shuffling from foot to foot. “We’ve been treading at six fathoms for hours now. It’s as though…it’s as though we haven’t even moved.�
*
It’s three in the morning and quiet as death when I step out onto the deck to judge the situation for myself. Lanterns hang every few feet above my head, their light illuminating barely enough to navigate through the dark. When I shoot Grimy a questionable look, he tells me, “The electric coils keep shutting off. Even the torches don’t stay on.� To prove it to me, several crewmates produce their flashlights and switch them on and off repeatedly, to no avail. I say nothing as I pace past them and to the bow of the ship. It’s a long walk—my three-decked black ship is 150 feet long and 43 feet tall. Shaggy-haired Rex huffs by my side, his ancient body struggling to keep up. I drop my hand in front of his snout to ease him, and he licks it.
I can hardly see in front of me. The white fog is so thick it’s like a curtain, obscuring all visibility.
Young and carefree Martin is standing over the depth sound line. When he hears my footsteps along the creaky wooden deck, he shoots a wide-eyed look over his shoulder. “Still the same, Captain! Six fathoms!�
Six fathoms is too shallow for comfort. We’re close to land—possibly the Isle of Morda, which is riddled with jagged cliffs and reefs. And what a fucking hole that island is. I truly hope we aren’t anywhere near it.
We can’t fuck about.
I shout out, “Slow us right down! Send the longboats!�
It’s protocol to deploy the smaller boats and have them lead in front of the ship. Within minutes, the deck has come alive with crewmates, some scraggly, others polished, some old, some far too young to be on here. All loyal to me—loyal to the man who has allowed them steady work and passage despite their crimes and shadowy pasts. Most of my men on the Trident are convicted felons who have either escaped prison or are searching for their next spree of wicked crime.
And me?
Fuck, I’m running, but not for the same reasons.
I should be living in the light, not raiding islands in the dark like some treasure obsessed pirate.
My ship should gleam in gold, not filled to the brim with questionable currency and prohibited liquids that sell for an exorbitant price on the black market.
Yet here we fucking are.
My clothes are covered in grit, my dark palms creased in grease and calloused from work. My black hair is cropped short like a true gentleman should have it, though it’s been a long time since anyone’s called me a gentleman. I should behave with principle, my mind the valuable source of power. Instead, I’m rippling with muscle because the sea demands payment for surviving on it, let alone thriving.
It’s a grand fucking existence if you couldn’t tell.
It’s not long before we drop the long boats into the waters filled with several of my men, holding tightly onto lit lanterns. They deploy in front of the ship. We’re moving at a snail’s pace now, still navigating blindly through the fog that will not let up. A crewmate is shivering not far from me as he peers out over the deck rail, staring into the invisible abyss.
A steady flow of cold air passes through us. It doesn’t have the same force as the wind; it feels like we’re being fanned with wet ice.
My head snaps in the direction it’s coming from, and for a moment, the stillness feels like another entity altogether. My body straightens, my stance suddenly defensive. I slowly pull the switchblade from my pocket, my fingers curling around it tightly.
Grimy comes to a stand beside me. I feel his stare as he looks up at me anxiously, whispering, “James.�
I don’t look at him, much less acknowledge that familiar tone. “I don’t want to hear it,� I grit out.
“We’ve tempted fate too long on these waters—�
“Would you rather I have stayed on land, with my tail between my legs, stuck with that ridiculous, stale girl you tried to arrange—�
“All girls from Barrhaven are a little� rigid.�
I shoot him a dry look. “She refused to even shake my hand.�
“Have you seen the state of them?� He tsks, adding, “You make a fuss wherever you go, searching for an impossible woman. And this Barrhaven girl wanted nothing to do with you because you were spotted at the brothel—�
“Doing business with the Madame that looks after those whores.�
Grimy looks disturbed, shaking his head at me. “You keep trying to explain yourself. You sold them drugs!� To make a point of it, he grabs a stray needle on the nearest water barrel and thrusts it up to my face. “This thing here, loaded with that disgusting green liquid that would tarnish your family name if they were still alive and knew what you’ve been up to. Your own crew take it, one’s left it right here, for Goddess� sake, still loaded and ready for use.�
I snatch the needle out of his hand and cast him a dark look. “You forget your fucking place, Grimy.�
Grimy purses his lips, aware now of the eyes of my crew falling to us from every direction. He’s made a grave mistake fucking about with me in front of my men, never mind during a fucked-up situation as this. A situation he will insist is siren-related. As if I haven’t heard it enough already, even my own crew is tired of his ramblings.
In the Black Sea, we’ve dealt with demonic presences far too often, and while this is strange as fuck, it would have to get a whole lot worse for it to be siren-related.
There are no sirens left.
But my past gnaws at me, reminding me that isn’t entirely true.
Suddenly, a crewmate from one of the longships bellows in the distance. “We’re being pushed back!�
“By what?� Briggs, my second-in-command, shouts back from the bow of the ship.
There’s no response, and now there’s tension and fear rippling through my men. I sense their unease, and I fight to contain my own, but then the ship comes to a jerking stop. It’s so sudden, several of us falter in our step.
“We’ve stopped dead still!� shrieks Martin.
I look at Grimy just as the Trident begins to quake beneath our feet, the wood groaning like it’s in pain.
This is all too similar.
It’s happening all over again.
Grimy’s eyes are shining with fear and loathing, but then he grabs at my wrist, making sure the bronzed bracelet is still there. Of course it’s there. Where the fuck else could it be? He doesn’t have one of his own, and we communicate the realization through our looks. He gives me a faint smile. “It’ll be alright, Captain, so long as you find me—�
Suddenly, the Trident jerks forward, moving quickly along the waters. Screams erupt from all directions as crewmates seek refuge or attempt to take command of the ship.
But there’s no point.
Because, for once, I suspect Grimy is right.
A siren has found us.
A.R. Rose
To celebrate, we're dropping the first chapter for you to read early!
� This is a *dark* fantasy romance. Please read responsibly and read the list of content warnings available on authorarrose.com�
𝘼 𝙘𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙚𝙙 𝙘𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙖𝙞𝙣 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙣𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧 𝙛𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙞𝙣 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙖 𝙨𝙞𝙧𝙚𝙣.
MAY 18 🏴☠ R.J. Lewis + A.R. Rose
🔱 A dark reimagined fairytale inspired by The Little Mermaid
🔱 Enemies to Lovers
🔱 Forbidden
🔱 Age Gap
🔱 One Bed
🔱 Captive
Preorder:
Add to your TBR: /book/show/1...
Chapter One - James
Chaos. Screams of agony in the Black Sea. The long strands of colorful hair and sparkling eyes that speak of purity and sin. A heart beating raucously, desire like liquid heat in my veins as she swims gracefully to me, her bare breasts teasingly visible above the waterline.
Tick-tock.
Tick-tock.
Cock thickening, lust clouding my thoughts as she draws near to me, her skin glimmering even in the darkness.
She’s so beautiful, it physically puts an ache in my center. And I know it’s not real—she’s an illusion. A murderous little fish, hardly human. I know I must kill her—she knows she must kill me. Yet she stops right before me, those innocent eyes growing blacker, her skin greyer, her teeth sharpening as she bares them to me.
She’s playing with me.
Taking her time.
Her instincts ache to rip my heart out.
As her beauty fades into the sea, the monstrous-looking siren swims before me, omnipotent. My body instantly grows rigid, the lust dissipating from my body. But before I can fight, an enchanting sound falls from her lips. It’s so riveting, my being softens, though my mind is screaming—screaming so loud, I feel like a trapped prey in my own body!
She nears, drawing so close, I feel the ripples in the water surrounding her. Surrounding us.
A sudden burn radiates from my chest as she carves into it with her long claws, and then I hear it—a piercing of flesh and bone, followed by a pain so great, I lose complete mobility.
I stare wide-eyed into the black eyes of this demonic woman as she holds my heart in her tight grip.
And crushes it.
*
Stirring from my dream, I hear him before he’s even entered my quarters. His stench—cigar smoke and misery—permeates the air the moment the door opens. His quiet footsteps are so light—that of a frail old man—even my fucking dog, Rex, doesn’t stir at my side.
My eyes open, but I remain still. His silhouette disturbs the darkness as he approaches my side. On reflex, my hand curls around my switchblade beneath the pillow. Years of engrained training to be ready at any unexpected threat, you’d think I wouldn’t be set off so quickly, being in the comfort of my own fucking ship.
But, alas, that is not the case.
Bloodshed is like water to me now. It’s everywhere. I need it to live, to survive, to rule. And just like water, I might drown in it one day. Because all it takes is for one enemy to outsmart me, and as I’ve learned with a dead family behind me, an enemy will always find a way to get to you.
It’s why I clench my blade tight; it’s why I stare up at Grimy and know that, despite his loyal servitude, he might be the one to plunge a dagger into my chest when I least expect it.
Even the one I trust the most, I question.
I’m crazy. Those dreams are getting inside my head�
He doesn’t reach out to touch me. Instead, his voice wafts to me in a hesitant whisper. “We are fogged, your—Captain.�
Not a rarity. I flare my nose, growling, “If all you’ve come here to do is tell me we’ve been fogged, I swear to fucking God, you’ll be walking the plank within the hour, Grimy.�
He pauses in his response, and I stare at his face intently, waiting for more. “We should be nearing the Isle of Morda—�
“If it’s reefs you’re concerned with, have Martin at the bow of the ship with a sounding line—�
“Already done—�
“You should detect how shallow the waters are—�
“That’s the thing, Captain, we have.� Grimy sounded uneasy now, shuffling from foot to foot. “We’ve been treading at six fathoms for hours now. It’s as though…it’s as though we haven’t even moved.�
*
It’s three in the morning and quiet as death when I step out onto the deck to judge the situation for myself. Lanterns hang every few feet above my head, their light illuminating barely enough to navigate through the dark. When I shoot Grimy a questionable look, he tells me, “The electric coils keep shutting off. Even the torches don’t stay on.� To prove it to me, several crewmates produce their flashlights and switch them on and off repeatedly, to no avail. I say nothing as I pace past them and to the bow of the ship. It’s a long walk—my three-decked black ship is 150 feet long and 43 feet tall. Shaggy-haired Rex huffs by my side, his ancient body struggling to keep up. I drop my hand in front of his snout to ease him, and he licks it.
I can hardly see in front of me. The white fog is so thick it’s like a curtain, obscuring all visibility.
Young and carefree Martin is standing over the depth sound line. When he hears my footsteps along the creaky wooden deck, he shoots a wide-eyed look over his shoulder. “Still the same, Captain! Six fathoms!�
Six fathoms is too shallow for comfort. We’re close to land—possibly the Isle of Morda, which is riddled with jagged cliffs and reefs. And what a fucking hole that island is. I truly hope we aren’t anywhere near it.
We can’t fuck about.
I shout out, “Slow us right down! Send the longboats!�
It’s protocol to deploy the smaller boats and have them lead in front of the ship. Within minutes, the deck has come alive with crewmates, some scraggly, others polished, some old, some far too young to be on here. All loyal to me—loyal to the man who has allowed them steady work and passage despite their crimes and shadowy pasts. Most of my men on the Trident are convicted felons who have either escaped prison or are searching for their next spree of wicked crime.
And me?
Fuck, I’m running, but not for the same reasons.
I should be living in the light, not raiding islands in the dark like some treasure obsessed pirate.
My ship should gleam in gold, not filled to the brim with questionable currency and prohibited liquids that sell for an exorbitant price on the black market.
Yet here we fucking are.
My clothes are covered in grit, my dark palms creased in grease and calloused from work. My black hair is cropped short like a true gentleman should have it, though it’s been a long time since anyone’s called me a gentleman. I should behave with principle, my mind the valuable source of power. Instead, I’m rippling with muscle because the sea demands payment for surviving on it, let alone thriving.
It’s a grand fucking existence if you couldn’t tell.
It’s not long before we drop the long boats into the waters filled with several of my men, holding tightly onto lit lanterns. They deploy in front of the ship. We’re moving at a snail’s pace now, still navigating blindly through the fog that will not let up. A crewmate is shivering not far from me as he peers out over the deck rail, staring into the invisible abyss.
A steady flow of cold air passes through us. It doesn’t have the same force as the wind; it feels like we’re being fanned with wet ice.
My head snaps in the direction it’s coming from, and for a moment, the stillness feels like another entity altogether. My body straightens, my stance suddenly defensive. I slowly pull the switchblade from my pocket, my fingers curling around it tightly.
Grimy comes to a stand beside me. I feel his stare as he looks up at me anxiously, whispering, “James.�
I don’t look at him, much less acknowledge that familiar tone. “I don’t want to hear it,� I grit out.
“We’ve tempted fate too long on these waters—�
“Would you rather I have stayed on land, with my tail between my legs, stuck with that ridiculous, stale girl you tried to arrange—�
“All girls from Barrhaven are a little� rigid.�
I shoot him a dry look. “She refused to even shake my hand.�
“Have you seen the state of them?� He tsks, adding, “You make a fuss wherever you go, searching for an impossible woman. And this Barrhaven girl wanted nothing to do with you because you were spotted at the brothel—�
“Doing business with the Madame that looks after those whores.�
Grimy looks disturbed, shaking his head at me. “You keep trying to explain yourself. You sold them drugs!� To make a point of it, he grabs a stray needle on the nearest water barrel and thrusts it up to my face. “This thing here, loaded with that disgusting green liquid that would tarnish your family name if they were still alive and knew what you’ve been up to. Your own crew take it, one’s left it right here, for Goddess� sake, still loaded and ready for use.�
I snatch the needle out of his hand and cast him a dark look. “You forget your fucking place, Grimy.�
Grimy purses his lips, aware now of the eyes of my crew falling to us from every direction. He’s made a grave mistake fucking about with me in front of my men, never mind during a fucked-up situation as this. A situation he will insist is siren-related. As if I haven’t heard it enough already, even my own crew is tired of his ramblings.
In the Black Sea, we’ve dealt with demonic presences far too often, and while this is strange as fuck, it would have to get a whole lot worse for it to be siren-related.
There are no sirens left.
But my past gnaws at me, reminding me that isn’t entirely true.
Suddenly, a crewmate from one of the longships bellows in the distance. “We’re being pushed back!�
“By what?� Briggs, my second-in-command, shouts back from the bow of the ship.
There’s no response, and now there’s tension and fear rippling through my men. I sense their unease, and I fight to contain my own, but then the ship comes to a jerking stop. It’s so sudden, several of us falter in our step.
“We’ve stopped dead still!� shrieks Martin.
I look at Grimy just as the Trident begins to quake beneath our feet, the wood groaning like it’s in pain.
This is all too similar.
It’s happening all over again.
Grimy’s eyes are shining with fear and loathing, but then he grabs at my wrist, making sure the bronzed bracelet is still there. Of course it’s there. Where the fuck else could it be? He doesn’t have one of his own, and we communicate the realization through our looks. He gives me a faint smile. “It’ll be alright, Captain, so long as you find me—�
Suddenly, the Trident jerks forward, moving quickly along the waters. Screams erupt from all directions as crewmates seek refuge or attempt to take command of the ship.
But there’s no point.
Because, for once, I suspect Grimy is right.
A siren has found us.
A.R. Rose
December 20, 2014
Teaser for Saving Lawson - Ryker Scene
***Unedited. Contains violence/swearing/some spoilers if you haven't read the first book****
Ryker
The Past
“What do I do if he has a gun and he shoots at me?� I asked, feeling the trepidation prickle my skin.
Ricardo looked at me like I was a fucking idiot, and I was. “You shoot back.�
I swallowed hard and rubbed my tingling nose. I needed another hit of that good boost. The adrenaline coke gave me made me feel like an immortal god. I could do anything with that shit running through my system. I’d been hooked on it for a few months now and it was the only good thing in my twisted, fucked up life. In moments like these, when reality had hit me like a ton of bricks, reminding me of what I was doing and who I’d become, I had clung to that drug like it was all that mattered in the world, and it was only because it made the truth disappear for a while.
I needed a lie. Fuck, that lie was all that kept me moving most times.
“Stay here,� Ricardo then said in a whisper, “I’m going to check out the windows and see if there’s any movement.�
He left me crouched behind the bushes of the run down mobile home and disappeared out of sight as he circled around it. It was pitch black. We were in that part of town where you didn’t even have a goddamn street light nearby. This shit made my Amber Alert prone neighbourhood look like an upper class dream.
Except for a dog barking far off in the distance, there was nothing but silence. Not even the sound of leaves swaying in the wind or the soft hum of someone’s television nearby. It was eerie as hell. I tightened my hold on the gun I’d been given. I’d been carrying it too often to count, and it still didn’t feel familiar to me. Despite its purpose, I didn’t feel protected. I was conscious of my own breathing, thinking for sure someone could hear my uneven panting if they walked on by. I was like a prey waiting for signs of safety, too frightened to face the unknown. I yearned for my old life.
How had things changed so fast?
Ricardo returned minutes later. “There’s no movement that I can see. He must be sleeping.�
“What makes you think he’s even here?� I asked him, kind of hoping we’d find a hole in our plan and turn back around.
I couldn’t see his face clearly, but the moment’s silence said enough. He was pissed. “His car is parked out front and his garbage bin was taken out sometime this evening, like all the other bins on the street. Man, why does Boss regard you so highly? You’re a useless tit.�
I opened my mouth to answer, but my brain went blank. I had no idea why Boss took me under his wing. I’d seen firsthand all the other meatheads that worked for him, and they’d never been on his good side the way I was. He’d never given anyone the mercy that he showed me the day his men found me in that alleyway talking to Allie’s beat up father. Boss was a man of mysteries, so I was certain I’d never get to the bottom of this one.
“So how are we going to do this?� I asked in an attempt to move on from my apparent uselessness.
Ricardo swept his dreadlocks from his face and looked back at the house. “I got some lock picks. We’ll go round back and I’ll have at it. You know how to work them?� When I shook my head, he rolled his dark eyes. “’Course you don’t. Don’t know nothin�. Come on and follow me, princess.�
I rubbed my nose again and followed him quietly around the house. The grass was overgrown and muddy from the night’s humid rainfall. I thought for sure whoever was inside could hear the slushy sounds of our footsteps right outside their window, and my chest pained from holding in my breath just waiting for someone to come bursting out the door with a gun in hand. I’d seen some crazy shit recently, so I wasn’t entirely to blame for this paranoia.
Ricardo went straight for the door and withdrew his lock picks from his pocket. I peered out into the unkempt yard, keeping a careful look out. I gripped the gun tighter as my adrenaline started pumping harder throughout my body. Christ, if shit went downhill tonight I was going to my death. No one would care. Just another stupid kid dead in the projects. Not even a passing thought for the people sitting around their table early in the morning, reading the newspaper with nothing but a detached curiosity for the happenings in Hedley.
“What the fuck?� hissed Ricardo in a hushed tone.
I jerked my head back at him. “What is it?�
He took a step back and jiggled the knob of the backdoor. “The door’s already unlocked.�
“Is that bad?�
He didn’t answer. I trembled a little at the warning I was feeling in my bones. Something wasn’t right. If he felt it too, he had bigger balls than me because he didn’t care. He turned the knob and pushed the door open. It creaked as it swayed away from the door frame. He aimed his gun up and crept inside, pausing once to motion me to follow him. I shoved away my unease and went after him.
Nothing but darkness greeted us. The house reminded me of a photo: still and unmoving, an image frozen in time, or some stupid shit like that. Ricardo may have said someone had been here hours prior, I certainly didn’t feel like there was anyone here now. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I could see piles of rubbish and junk strewn about. But what I smelled� it was worse than any off food I’d ever encountered. It was a rotten, gassy kind of smell, and the air thickened with it the more steps I took down the short hallway. Even Ricardo was covering his nose and stifling down his cough. He cursed under his breath and suddenly walked faster, like he knew exactly what was going on. I tailed him closely behind as he walked into the only bedroom there was and turned on the light switch.
“Fuckin� knew it,� he muttered, blocking the doorway with his frame.
“What?� I had to look over his shoulder to see what he was looking at. The bedroom was infested with used needles and tiny, empty baggies. Bare drawers were thrown haphazardly all over the stained carpeted floor, and clothes were scattered everywhere. It looked like someone had torn it apart looking for something.
My eyes scanned the ground for not even a second before it connected with the bed, and it was then I felt my legs weaken. Ricardo slowly walked into the room just in time for me to grab hold of the doorframe and steady myself. Jesus fucking Christ, there were dead bodies, laying face first on the mattress with blood pooling around their heads. I shut my eyes and tried to breathe through my mouth.
“Looks like someone beat us to it,� Ricardo, the sadistic little prick, said.
“Y-you� you said we were only going to scare him,� I whispered, my voice wavering. “You ne-never said anything about killing –�
“When someone owes us a debt, princess, we don’t give them ten million chances to repay. You get one opportunity. Why do you think nobody fucks with us?�
I didn’t respond.
“Fuck, man, open your pretty little eyes. Stop being a baby. This is what you do now.�
“If it’s done, I don’t need to look!�
He chuckled sardonically. “If someone took care of our hit, princess Ryker, then that means we got some competition goin� on here.�
I’d only ever seen the beatings of men that had wronged them somehow, but never this. I opened my eyes and slowly walked into the room. I tried to detach myself from the sight, but my stomach churned. I swallowed back the vomit that was burning its way up my throat and rubbed my nose again. The sight before me was wretched. Something out of a fucking horror film.
Two bodies. One man and one woman in barely any clothing at all. I shuddered and looked away, pretending to look closely at other random shit in the room. Ricardo, on the other hand, circled around the bodies, leaning in and inspecting the wounds like he was some homicide detective.
“They’ve been dead for more than twenty four hours,� he said. “Fuckin� smell like they been in a sauna all day.�
“Thought you said they took out the bin tonight.�
“Well, somebody did.�
“W?�
“Probably to make the house look less conspicuous, I don’t fucking know. It’s clear these bastards were looking for something. Most likely money. The heroine baggies here are empty, and they ain’t from us. Looks like poor Chuck was also in debt with another crew and it got him clipped before we got to him.� He actually frowned at this, as though he would have preferred to have done it himself. “They got their heads blown off execution style, and it was unexpected. They were on this bed fucking like rabbits when they ate their bullets. Look how barely clothed she is. Unlucky bitch.�
I winced at his words. He said it in such an impersonal way, as though none of this was affecting him in the slightest. I knew it wasn’t. He was used to this kind of crazy. Gotta turn into his kind of crazy to make it in this life, Ryker.
“So he was the target, and she� she was what?�
He smirked. “She was at the wrong place, wrong time.�
I didn’t respond to that. I was hardly breathing and trying with every passing second to stop my stomach from twisting because, shit, it felt like there was a serpent running loose in there. Every second after that felt like a haze to me. I was dizzy from lack of oxygen, sick from witnessing something this messed up, and itching for another hit of some coke because I was starting to feel human again.
“We got ourselves an investigation,� he went on excitedly. “Time to start talkin� to some of late Chuckie’s pals and find out who he’s been buying this shit from. Because chances are that provider’s stealing more of our business, and that shit ain’t on.�
I nodded like a robot, but I was barely digesting his words. I didn’t have to. I already understood what he was getting at. This was going to be yet another street war. He’ll find out the person(s) Chuck was buying from and then put them in the ground. Sending out the message that Hedley’s streets were already owned, and you best not mess with that power.
“Alright, time to split, princess. We got lots to report to Boss, and then we got ourselves some good action…� He carried on with his words when a noise caught my attention. I couldn’t figure out what it was until I put my hand out in front of him. He instantly shut up and watched me as I eyed the room cautiously.
It was a tiny noise at first. Like a quiet grunt that you’d never have heard had you paid attention to Ricardo’s yammering. As the silence filled every corner of the room, the sound came at me again, this time louder.
Little grunts. Barely audible whimpers you’d have to strain to hear. I moved over the rubbish on the ground and went toward it. Drawing closer to the ground beside the bed, I bent down and pushed aside some drawers. More whimpers. Little, helpless cries that instantly raised the hairs on the back of my neck. If I thought I felt sick before, I had another thing coming. It was the cold taste of reality, and when I finally pushed away everything that’d been in the way, I came face to face with it.
A bassinet was poking out from under the bed, halfway visible. I saw movements coming from within, of a blanket being kicked. My heart rate took off. Moving like a rocket, I rushed to it and pulled it out from under the bed. My breath caught in my throat just then, and tears burned the back of my eyes.
A baby.
A fucking baby.
In this mess. In this shithole of a drug nest.
Her mouth and eyes were open, but she could barely make a sound. In full panic, I glanced up at Ricardo. He’d blanched some, but his composure was far better than mine. He frowned and shook his head. “Don’t even think about it,� he said. But it was too late. Setting the gun down, I’d already picked up the tiny, frail body. Christ, how young was she? Her head fit in the palm of my hand, and she looked like she was swimming in her pink onesie.
“You put that thing back where it came from,� he demanded angrily. “We don’t snatch babies out of their beds, Ryker!�
“She’s half dead,� I retorted. “She would have been completely dead if we hadn’t come in here –�
“That’s not our problem.�
“Like hell it isn’t!�
The grave look on his face might have intimidated me ten seconds ago, but now I had a purpose, and like hell was he going to interfere with it. He took a step forward and pointed at the baby barely moving in my arms. “That’s not something we do. Put her down.�
“No.� I clutched the tiny body to my chest and turned away from him. I needed to get out of here now. I needed to get to a hospital �
“You’re a dead man if you think you can walk out of here with that baby in your hands, Ryker. We’ve walked in on a murder scene. What’re you gonna do with that baby? Someone’s gonna know you have it –�
“Take her to the hospital –�
“You’re walking a very dangerous path. Boss will have your head for this. Now I’m going to tell you one more fucking time: you put it back down and we get out of here –�
I turned back to him and took a step forward. I stared daggers at him, feeling the anger in me roar like nothing else before. I’d been treated like shit by this dickhead for far too long. I’d been fine with it, too. I’d accepted my new life, but that didn’t mean I was going to drop every single one of my morals in the process.
“No,� I cut in, pinning him with my icy stare, “no, Ricardo, you listen. What I do from here on out is none of your fucking concern. You don’t want any part of this? Fine. Take your ugly ass out of here and leave me to it. Nothing you say is going to change the fact I’m not gonna leave a baby behind, and if that means I’m walking to my death, then I’ll do so with a smile on my face. I’ve got nothing to lose, princess, so don’t be threatening my life like it’s all that matters to me. It ain’t.�
He just stared at me for a long moment. His eyes had widened some. He was speechless. Good, because I was certain I couldn’t hold another steady conversation. When the surprise wore off, he simply took off out of the room, and I was glad to see the back of his head. He wouldn’t leave me behind. He’d be waiting for me in his car, and the fucker was going to take me to the hospital whether he liked it or not.
You want me to make another man bleed? Fine. You want me to break some bones and empty a wallet or two? Fine. You want me to take some druggie’s life? Sure, it’d be hard, but I’d probably find it in me to do it. However, I was not going to turn myself into the kind of monster that was too far gone from humanity to let a baby die in the process.
If that meant I’d get a bullet to my head for this, then sure.
I’d gladly eat it.
*
There are some moments in life you can’t move on from. They twist your soul on the inside, until you’re sitting here, snorting more coke just to wash it away.
Four hours ago I was washing away the reality of being with thugs who hurt people for a living. Right this second I was washing away the image of a dying baby in my arms. Her sunken eyes and flushed cheeks wouldn’t leave my mind.
Fuck.
Wearing my hoodie, I’d dropped her off at the emergency doors in the hospital. The hardest part was walking away and not knowing what was going to happen to her. Was she going to be alright? How long had she been crying before her sounds died off to those soft grunts that I could still hear inside my ears? This shit was killing me.
“Not joinin� in on the fun, I see?� I tensed at Boss’s voice from behind me. I was sitting on the porch outside of the shitty cabin we used as our rendezvous point. There was a party inside. I could hear the music from here, and the loud hoots from the sheep I liked to call henchman. Lot of alcohol. Lot of chicks. Same shit, different day.
I barely moved my shoulders in a shrug. I bit the inside of my lip to fight my frown as he took a seat next to me. I didn’t want to look at him. He could read all of me when I locked eyes with him. I stared out into the dark forest, and it was only when he nudged me that I looked down at the beer bottle he was handing me. I took it from him but didn’t drink.
“Ricardo told me everything,� he then said. I couldn’t detect any disapproval in his tone. He sounded neutral, and that was sometimes worse. Unable to resist, my eyes jumped to his face for a brief moment. Nothing but a bald head and a thick black beard to look at, his face was just as impossible to read.
“I didn’t have a choice,� I quietly said to him. I nervously kicked the soil around on the ground with the tip of my shoe, waiting for something bad to happen.
“I’m not hiring angels, Ryker. I need hard men. I can’t have you openin� that heart of yours every time something bad like this happens.�
“Would you rather I left her to die?� I retorted, unable to resist the anger in my voice.
“I’d rather you have done something that didn’t risk people sniffin� around my business. You could have returned sometime later, made sure there were no witnesses, made sure the hospital you dropped that kid off had nobody looking at you on your way to those doors. Shit like this has to be done in a way that leads absolutely no tracks to my cartel.�
I didn’t reply. Yeah, he was right. I’d been hasty, but I didn’t take any of it back. To me, that baby couldn’t have been left for later.
“You won’t survive until you harden yourself up,� he continued. “You’re one of us now, and that means there will be losses in the process. There’ll be shit you just have to leave behind. The second you slip up is the second you become a target. You don’t want to be that. I’d hate to see you in a similar situation: your head blown to smithereens over some mistake with a crying baby left to die without someone’s softened heart to save it. Think on that, boy. It’s a dog eat dog world, and the only way you’re going to survive it is to be the bigger animal than the rest.�
My brows bunched together in thought as his words replayed through my mind. He stood up and disappeared back inside. Distraught, I set the beer down and ran my hand through my hair. A hardened heart? I’d have to shut down my emotions? How does someone do that successfully?
I knew the second Boss let me in that my future would be forever changed, but it hit me more than before tonight. The image of a crying baby beside my cold, dead body did strange things to me. It made me want to keel over and vomit. As if I could have a kid! That shit wasn’t possible. Any mistake and anyone I loved would be a target.
I couldn’t love. I couldn’t have a family. I couldn’t provide when I knew at any turn they might be in danger because of my forced change in lifestyle.
My purpose in life was to be alone, and I wasn’t sure if I’d rather eat a bullet after all.
Ryker
The Past
“What do I do if he has a gun and he shoots at me?� I asked, feeling the trepidation prickle my skin.
Ricardo looked at me like I was a fucking idiot, and I was. “You shoot back.�
I swallowed hard and rubbed my tingling nose. I needed another hit of that good boost. The adrenaline coke gave me made me feel like an immortal god. I could do anything with that shit running through my system. I’d been hooked on it for a few months now and it was the only good thing in my twisted, fucked up life. In moments like these, when reality had hit me like a ton of bricks, reminding me of what I was doing and who I’d become, I had clung to that drug like it was all that mattered in the world, and it was only because it made the truth disappear for a while.
I needed a lie. Fuck, that lie was all that kept me moving most times.
“Stay here,� Ricardo then said in a whisper, “I’m going to check out the windows and see if there’s any movement.�
He left me crouched behind the bushes of the run down mobile home and disappeared out of sight as he circled around it. It was pitch black. We were in that part of town where you didn’t even have a goddamn street light nearby. This shit made my Amber Alert prone neighbourhood look like an upper class dream.
Except for a dog barking far off in the distance, there was nothing but silence. Not even the sound of leaves swaying in the wind or the soft hum of someone’s television nearby. It was eerie as hell. I tightened my hold on the gun I’d been given. I’d been carrying it too often to count, and it still didn’t feel familiar to me. Despite its purpose, I didn’t feel protected. I was conscious of my own breathing, thinking for sure someone could hear my uneven panting if they walked on by. I was like a prey waiting for signs of safety, too frightened to face the unknown. I yearned for my old life.
How had things changed so fast?
Ricardo returned minutes later. “There’s no movement that I can see. He must be sleeping.�
“What makes you think he’s even here?� I asked him, kind of hoping we’d find a hole in our plan and turn back around.
I couldn’t see his face clearly, but the moment’s silence said enough. He was pissed. “His car is parked out front and his garbage bin was taken out sometime this evening, like all the other bins on the street. Man, why does Boss regard you so highly? You’re a useless tit.�
I opened my mouth to answer, but my brain went blank. I had no idea why Boss took me under his wing. I’d seen firsthand all the other meatheads that worked for him, and they’d never been on his good side the way I was. He’d never given anyone the mercy that he showed me the day his men found me in that alleyway talking to Allie’s beat up father. Boss was a man of mysteries, so I was certain I’d never get to the bottom of this one.
“So how are we going to do this?� I asked in an attempt to move on from my apparent uselessness.
Ricardo swept his dreadlocks from his face and looked back at the house. “I got some lock picks. We’ll go round back and I’ll have at it. You know how to work them?� When I shook my head, he rolled his dark eyes. “’Course you don’t. Don’t know nothin�. Come on and follow me, princess.�
I rubbed my nose again and followed him quietly around the house. The grass was overgrown and muddy from the night’s humid rainfall. I thought for sure whoever was inside could hear the slushy sounds of our footsteps right outside their window, and my chest pained from holding in my breath just waiting for someone to come bursting out the door with a gun in hand. I’d seen some crazy shit recently, so I wasn’t entirely to blame for this paranoia.
Ricardo went straight for the door and withdrew his lock picks from his pocket. I peered out into the unkempt yard, keeping a careful look out. I gripped the gun tighter as my adrenaline started pumping harder throughout my body. Christ, if shit went downhill tonight I was going to my death. No one would care. Just another stupid kid dead in the projects. Not even a passing thought for the people sitting around their table early in the morning, reading the newspaper with nothing but a detached curiosity for the happenings in Hedley.
“What the fuck?� hissed Ricardo in a hushed tone.
I jerked my head back at him. “What is it?�
He took a step back and jiggled the knob of the backdoor. “The door’s already unlocked.�
“Is that bad?�
He didn’t answer. I trembled a little at the warning I was feeling in my bones. Something wasn’t right. If he felt it too, he had bigger balls than me because he didn’t care. He turned the knob and pushed the door open. It creaked as it swayed away from the door frame. He aimed his gun up and crept inside, pausing once to motion me to follow him. I shoved away my unease and went after him.
Nothing but darkness greeted us. The house reminded me of a photo: still and unmoving, an image frozen in time, or some stupid shit like that. Ricardo may have said someone had been here hours prior, I certainly didn’t feel like there was anyone here now. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I could see piles of rubbish and junk strewn about. But what I smelled� it was worse than any off food I’d ever encountered. It was a rotten, gassy kind of smell, and the air thickened with it the more steps I took down the short hallway. Even Ricardo was covering his nose and stifling down his cough. He cursed under his breath and suddenly walked faster, like he knew exactly what was going on. I tailed him closely behind as he walked into the only bedroom there was and turned on the light switch.
“Fuckin� knew it,� he muttered, blocking the doorway with his frame.
“What?� I had to look over his shoulder to see what he was looking at. The bedroom was infested with used needles and tiny, empty baggies. Bare drawers were thrown haphazardly all over the stained carpeted floor, and clothes were scattered everywhere. It looked like someone had torn it apart looking for something.
My eyes scanned the ground for not even a second before it connected with the bed, and it was then I felt my legs weaken. Ricardo slowly walked into the room just in time for me to grab hold of the doorframe and steady myself. Jesus fucking Christ, there were dead bodies, laying face first on the mattress with blood pooling around their heads. I shut my eyes and tried to breathe through my mouth.
“Looks like someone beat us to it,� Ricardo, the sadistic little prick, said.
“Y-you� you said we were only going to scare him,� I whispered, my voice wavering. “You ne-never said anything about killing –�
“When someone owes us a debt, princess, we don’t give them ten million chances to repay. You get one opportunity. Why do you think nobody fucks with us?�
I didn’t respond.
“Fuck, man, open your pretty little eyes. Stop being a baby. This is what you do now.�
“If it’s done, I don’t need to look!�
He chuckled sardonically. “If someone took care of our hit, princess Ryker, then that means we got some competition goin� on here.�
I’d only ever seen the beatings of men that had wronged them somehow, but never this. I opened my eyes and slowly walked into the room. I tried to detach myself from the sight, but my stomach churned. I swallowed back the vomit that was burning its way up my throat and rubbed my nose again. The sight before me was wretched. Something out of a fucking horror film.
Two bodies. One man and one woman in barely any clothing at all. I shuddered and looked away, pretending to look closely at other random shit in the room. Ricardo, on the other hand, circled around the bodies, leaning in and inspecting the wounds like he was some homicide detective.
“They’ve been dead for more than twenty four hours,� he said. “Fuckin� smell like they been in a sauna all day.�
“Thought you said they took out the bin tonight.�
“Well, somebody did.�
“W?�
“Probably to make the house look less conspicuous, I don’t fucking know. It’s clear these bastards were looking for something. Most likely money. The heroine baggies here are empty, and they ain’t from us. Looks like poor Chuck was also in debt with another crew and it got him clipped before we got to him.� He actually frowned at this, as though he would have preferred to have done it himself. “They got their heads blown off execution style, and it was unexpected. They were on this bed fucking like rabbits when they ate their bullets. Look how barely clothed she is. Unlucky bitch.�
I winced at his words. He said it in such an impersonal way, as though none of this was affecting him in the slightest. I knew it wasn’t. He was used to this kind of crazy. Gotta turn into his kind of crazy to make it in this life, Ryker.
“So he was the target, and she� she was what?�
He smirked. “She was at the wrong place, wrong time.�
I didn’t respond to that. I was hardly breathing and trying with every passing second to stop my stomach from twisting because, shit, it felt like there was a serpent running loose in there. Every second after that felt like a haze to me. I was dizzy from lack of oxygen, sick from witnessing something this messed up, and itching for another hit of some coke because I was starting to feel human again.
“We got ourselves an investigation,� he went on excitedly. “Time to start talkin� to some of late Chuckie’s pals and find out who he’s been buying this shit from. Because chances are that provider’s stealing more of our business, and that shit ain’t on.�
I nodded like a robot, but I was barely digesting his words. I didn’t have to. I already understood what he was getting at. This was going to be yet another street war. He’ll find out the person(s) Chuck was buying from and then put them in the ground. Sending out the message that Hedley’s streets were already owned, and you best not mess with that power.
“Alright, time to split, princess. We got lots to report to Boss, and then we got ourselves some good action…� He carried on with his words when a noise caught my attention. I couldn’t figure out what it was until I put my hand out in front of him. He instantly shut up and watched me as I eyed the room cautiously.
It was a tiny noise at first. Like a quiet grunt that you’d never have heard had you paid attention to Ricardo’s yammering. As the silence filled every corner of the room, the sound came at me again, this time louder.
Little grunts. Barely audible whimpers you’d have to strain to hear. I moved over the rubbish on the ground and went toward it. Drawing closer to the ground beside the bed, I bent down and pushed aside some drawers. More whimpers. Little, helpless cries that instantly raised the hairs on the back of my neck. If I thought I felt sick before, I had another thing coming. It was the cold taste of reality, and when I finally pushed away everything that’d been in the way, I came face to face with it.
A bassinet was poking out from under the bed, halfway visible. I saw movements coming from within, of a blanket being kicked. My heart rate took off. Moving like a rocket, I rushed to it and pulled it out from under the bed. My breath caught in my throat just then, and tears burned the back of my eyes.
A baby.
A fucking baby.
In this mess. In this shithole of a drug nest.
Her mouth and eyes were open, but she could barely make a sound. In full panic, I glanced up at Ricardo. He’d blanched some, but his composure was far better than mine. He frowned and shook his head. “Don’t even think about it,� he said. But it was too late. Setting the gun down, I’d already picked up the tiny, frail body. Christ, how young was she? Her head fit in the palm of my hand, and she looked like she was swimming in her pink onesie.
“You put that thing back where it came from,� he demanded angrily. “We don’t snatch babies out of their beds, Ryker!�
“She’s half dead,� I retorted. “She would have been completely dead if we hadn’t come in here –�
“That’s not our problem.�
“Like hell it isn’t!�
The grave look on his face might have intimidated me ten seconds ago, but now I had a purpose, and like hell was he going to interfere with it. He took a step forward and pointed at the baby barely moving in my arms. “That’s not something we do. Put her down.�
“No.� I clutched the tiny body to my chest and turned away from him. I needed to get out of here now. I needed to get to a hospital �
“You’re a dead man if you think you can walk out of here with that baby in your hands, Ryker. We’ve walked in on a murder scene. What’re you gonna do with that baby? Someone’s gonna know you have it –�
“Take her to the hospital –�
“You’re walking a very dangerous path. Boss will have your head for this. Now I’m going to tell you one more fucking time: you put it back down and we get out of here –�
I turned back to him and took a step forward. I stared daggers at him, feeling the anger in me roar like nothing else before. I’d been treated like shit by this dickhead for far too long. I’d been fine with it, too. I’d accepted my new life, but that didn’t mean I was going to drop every single one of my morals in the process.
“No,� I cut in, pinning him with my icy stare, “no, Ricardo, you listen. What I do from here on out is none of your fucking concern. You don’t want any part of this? Fine. Take your ugly ass out of here and leave me to it. Nothing you say is going to change the fact I’m not gonna leave a baby behind, and if that means I’m walking to my death, then I’ll do so with a smile on my face. I’ve got nothing to lose, princess, so don’t be threatening my life like it’s all that matters to me. It ain’t.�
He just stared at me for a long moment. His eyes had widened some. He was speechless. Good, because I was certain I couldn’t hold another steady conversation. When the surprise wore off, he simply took off out of the room, and I was glad to see the back of his head. He wouldn’t leave me behind. He’d be waiting for me in his car, and the fucker was going to take me to the hospital whether he liked it or not.
You want me to make another man bleed? Fine. You want me to break some bones and empty a wallet or two? Fine. You want me to take some druggie’s life? Sure, it’d be hard, but I’d probably find it in me to do it. However, I was not going to turn myself into the kind of monster that was too far gone from humanity to let a baby die in the process.
If that meant I’d get a bullet to my head for this, then sure.
I’d gladly eat it.
*
There are some moments in life you can’t move on from. They twist your soul on the inside, until you’re sitting here, snorting more coke just to wash it away.
Four hours ago I was washing away the reality of being with thugs who hurt people for a living. Right this second I was washing away the image of a dying baby in my arms. Her sunken eyes and flushed cheeks wouldn’t leave my mind.
Fuck.
Wearing my hoodie, I’d dropped her off at the emergency doors in the hospital. The hardest part was walking away and not knowing what was going to happen to her. Was she going to be alright? How long had she been crying before her sounds died off to those soft grunts that I could still hear inside my ears? This shit was killing me.
“Not joinin� in on the fun, I see?� I tensed at Boss’s voice from behind me. I was sitting on the porch outside of the shitty cabin we used as our rendezvous point. There was a party inside. I could hear the music from here, and the loud hoots from the sheep I liked to call henchman. Lot of alcohol. Lot of chicks. Same shit, different day.
I barely moved my shoulders in a shrug. I bit the inside of my lip to fight my frown as he took a seat next to me. I didn’t want to look at him. He could read all of me when I locked eyes with him. I stared out into the dark forest, and it was only when he nudged me that I looked down at the beer bottle he was handing me. I took it from him but didn’t drink.
“Ricardo told me everything,� he then said. I couldn’t detect any disapproval in his tone. He sounded neutral, and that was sometimes worse. Unable to resist, my eyes jumped to his face for a brief moment. Nothing but a bald head and a thick black beard to look at, his face was just as impossible to read.
“I didn’t have a choice,� I quietly said to him. I nervously kicked the soil around on the ground with the tip of my shoe, waiting for something bad to happen.
“I’m not hiring angels, Ryker. I need hard men. I can’t have you openin� that heart of yours every time something bad like this happens.�
“Would you rather I left her to die?� I retorted, unable to resist the anger in my voice.
“I’d rather you have done something that didn’t risk people sniffin� around my business. You could have returned sometime later, made sure there were no witnesses, made sure the hospital you dropped that kid off had nobody looking at you on your way to those doors. Shit like this has to be done in a way that leads absolutely no tracks to my cartel.�
I didn’t reply. Yeah, he was right. I’d been hasty, but I didn’t take any of it back. To me, that baby couldn’t have been left for later.
“You won’t survive until you harden yourself up,� he continued. “You’re one of us now, and that means there will be losses in the process. There’ll be shit you just have to leave behind. The second you slip up is the second you become a target. You don’t want to be that. I’d hate to see you in a similar situation: your head blown to smithereens over some mistake with a crying baby left to die without someone’s softened heart to save it. Think on that, boy. It’s a dog eat dog world, and the only way you’re going to survive it is to be the bigger animal than the rest.�
My brows bunched together in thought as his words replayed through my mind. He stood up and disappeared back inside. Distraught, I set the beer down and ran my hand through my hair. A hardened heart? I’d have to shut down my emotions? How does someone do that successfully?
I knew the second Boss let me in that my future would be forever changed, but it hit me more than before tonight. The image of a crying baby beside my cold, dead body did strange things to me. It made me want to keel over and vomit. As if I could have a kid! That shit wasn’t possible. Any mistake and anyone I loved would be a target.
I couldn’t love. I couldn’t have a family. I couldn’t provide when I knew at any turn they might be in danger because of my forced change in lifestyle.
My purpose in life was to be alone, and I wasn’t sure if I’d rather eat a bullet after all.
July 18, 2014
Kiss a Stranger is OUT!
Thank you to everyone who has messaged me throughout my writing process. The book is out and live on Amazon! Trying adamantly to put it up on B&N too. :)
January 29, 2014
Burn Is Out
Burn has been released and is live on Amazon. Thank you for all your sweet messages and words and honest opinions!
I have been asked a few times if this is the conclusion. Yes, it is the conclusion to Jaxon and Sara's story, however, there will be standalone novels revolving around separate characters I have introduced in Burn.
I am currently working diligently on one, and if you've read Burn, you'll know which character I'm talking about :)
Lots of love,
RJ
I have been asked a few times if this is the conclusion. Yes, it is the conclusion to Jaxon and Sara's story, however, there will be standalone novels revolving around separate characters I have introduced in Burn.
I am currently working diligently on one, and if you've read Burn, you'll know which character I'm talking about :)
Lots of love,
RJ
December 30, 2013
Chapter One of Burn (Ignite #2)
One
The Black-backed Jackal clubhouse was a black industrial looking building with blacked out windows and a ten foot tall cement wall bordering the entire area with the exception of the black iron gates that let you in and out. There were cameras everywhere, securely fitted to every corner of the perimeter, big in size and shameless, broadcasting to all its members every single soul approaching its vicinity.
Currently, there were five souls standing in front of the gate, and one angry motherfucker snarling up at the camera. In fact, he’d been snarling there for a couple hours now. They’d ignored him long enough; the fucker wasn’t going to go.
And now he had a gun in his hand. Motherfucker.
Remy stared at the screen, watching the douchebag put his arm up in the air. In the distance, gun shots were heard. Any second now, Prez was going to walk into the room and demand �
“What the fuck is going on?!� Right on cue. The white haired, large burly man stormed into the surveillance room, buttoning the fly on his jeans. His shirt was off, fat and muscle combined and loaded in ink, taking up every inch of his torso.
He took a single look at the screen, went all kinds of impossible shades of pink, and darted his eyes at Remy. The veins in his neck were protruding now, which was bad. The veins were always a bad sign. “What in God’s name is that motherfucker doing firing shots into the fucking air outside of my fucking compound, Remy?�
Remy stood there for a few moments feeling the heat of Prez’s gaze as well as the gaze of all the other men emerging from their slumber. It was four am in the morning and everyone was pissed off.
“He won’t go away,� he simply stated to Prez.
“What do you mean he won’t go away? How long’s he been standing there?�
“Few hours now.�
Prez’s eyes twitched once. Then they twitched again as he regarded his VP. Remy knew he knew. Of course he knew. He hated he knew. Prez knew everything.
“What. Did. You. Do?�
From his peripheral, two of his men slinked back � the same men that had helped Remy eight hours prior. Remy didn’t respond. And when Remy didn’t respond, Prez always lost his shit.
“I’m going to lose my shit!� he screeched. Everyone but Remy flinched. He was used to the temper tantrums, albeit not at him, but still, they were all one and the same. “I don’t fucking believe it! You went behind my fucking back, didn’t you? You motherfucker! You cocksucking mother fucking--�
“I had to,� Remy interrupted, but the man continued to rage on.
“For a fucking woman! A goddamn piece of pussy that you can get anywhere you want! Always after that one slice of--�
“He killed Brett!�
Prez shut up. His face went blank as the words processed. Brett wasn’t one of them, but he was Remy’s brother. A part of the family. Prez was never fond of the fat douche, but he was his best poker bud. Poker was big for Prez. Finding a good poker bud to play with was very hard on Prez. So the fact he loved poker and his favourite poker bud was dead was big. Very big.
However, this was different. The Jackals and Scorpions were on good terms now, and it had taken for-fucking-ever for that to happen. They were essential to the Jackals. This complicated shit, and Prez hated complicated shit.
“You got this out of her?� he asked calmer than before.
Remy gave him a single nod.
Prez’s eyes wandered to the screen again. “What do you want to do?� Remy had every right to retaliate. Depending on how severe this retaliation might be, it would inevitably stir the nest if it involved killing Jaxon Barlow.
“I want the girl.� The words took Prez off guard. He looked back at the dark eyed man. Remy was always a damn hard read, yet for once the emotion of certainty was profound in those dark eyes.
He wanted the girl as retaliation? Talk about dodging a fucking bullet! If pussy would keep the peace going, then Remy could have it.
Prez took a step closer to him. They equalled in height, and although Prez had buried most of his muscle in fat, the fucker was still strong as hell.
“Then you’re going to go out there and settle this,� he demanded firmly. His blue eyes spoke volumes that no one else around the room could see. They said: Remy, you fuck this up and I fuck you up, too. A warning that had Remy nodding in agreement to.
“I’m going back to sleep. I better wake up to no dead bodies, and would someone please shut those fucking kittens up in Darcy’s room?!� They watched Prez storm out, and then dispersed themselves. There were only three men standing in the room: Remy, Fritz and Logan.
More shots in the distance.
“Guy’s losing his shit,� mumbled Logan. “I’m gonna get some guns out of the artillery room. Fight fire with fire, yeah?�
“No,� Remy said. “We don’t need that shit.�
Fritz bristled uncomfortably. “That fucker looks angry enough to shoot--�
“And if he does, he’s fucked. He ain’t gonna be shooting.�
Remy threw his vest on and walked out. He knew he was being a smug ass going without a weapon. It was a statement. That the Jackals were far more powerful than the Scorpions. That they could stomp on their asses in a blink of an eye.
The perimeter’s spot lights flickered on as Remy and the men stepped out into the cold early morning misty air. The wind was ferocious, stinging his cheeks red. They were breathing out clouds, and breathing in icy smog. Fucker had stood in this weather for three hours. Not bad.
With the lights on, he was no longer a silhouette. The more Remy closed the gap between them, the more of his features came out, and it wasn’t pretty. Jaxon Barlow was a man possessed with rage. He was drenched from head to toe in old rain, breathing heavily, hand gripping his gun tightly. When they connected eyes, Remy had to fight the smile that was begging its way out. The man was a mess. And he fucking loved that.
He stopped at the gate. Both stood on opposite sides. Staring.
“Where is she?� Jaxon gritted out.
Remy looked past him and at the four Scorpions standing several feet behind him.
“Don’t know what you’re talkin� bout, man,� Remy casually answered, idly scratching his chin.
Jaxon’s nostrils flared as he swung forward and gripped the iron bars that separated them. “Don’t you fucking lie to me! I know you got her--�
“Got who?�
“Damien told me everything. You’re standing on thin ice, Remy. I swear to fucking God, if you don’t give her back--�
“What?� Remy snapped, taking a step closer to the gate. “What’re you gonna do, Scorpion? Ain’t nothing your ass can do to us.�
“You wanna fucking bet?�
Remy chuckled, eyeing Jaxon like he was two feet tall and made of cuddly bears. “You gonna start another war you can’t win, man? Who’s the one floating all them businesses you and your chimp of a boss got goin�? Regardless of what happens, I got what I want. I got my answers. Answers you were too pussy to come out with tonight.�
“Where is she?!� Panic swept his face as he gripped the bar tighter. “I swear, if you hurt her-�
“She’s a fucking Jackal, you moron,� Remy bit back. “You’ve known that for some time too. She ain’t hurt.�
“Give her back.� Remy saw the vulnerability in those words. Jaxon was losing his shit. Man looked desperate.
“No,� Remy calmly said. “You ain’t getting her back. She ain’t gonna be in that world of yours. Ain’t gonna get passed around like a whore. Would you really have given her that kind of life?�
Jaxon’s face fell. “I would never have passed her around--�
“You ain’t got no choice! That’s what woulda happened to her and you fucking know it!� Remy’s anger began to surface. “She would have been fucked like an animal in that poison of a club--�
“You act like you’re so much fucking better,� Jaxon interrupted, staring holes in his head. “Like you’re not some scum of a fucking murderer. The whole lot of you! Selling fucking drugs--�
“And it’s our earnings that keep your asses floating, you stupid hick. You act like you ain’t got blood on your hands either. May I fucking remind you of what your men did to our town three years ago. Burning shit down, threatening all them fucking businesses, monopolising this town like a fucking game--�
“We cleaned up the fucking streets while your police bought monkeys kicked back--�
“And you’re only here because of our mercy, you thieving piece of shit! Laundering our fucking money to keep your boat floating clean--�
“And we got more business than your punk asses, so don’t think for a second we rely on you--�
“Is that so? Might as well cut that supply off for you, then, and watch how that goes, huh?�
Jaxon didn’t respond. Remy had trapped him. Man was bluffing. Most of their income was coming from the Jackals, but Remy was bluffing too. The business arrangement between the two clubs was essential because the Scorpions owned most businesses in town now. Whatever they didn’t own, the Jackals did, but what they did own wasn’t enough to launder even a tenth of their illegal earnings.
“Now this is how it’s going to go,� Remy said, returning to his calm authoritative self. “You killed my brother, and if I retaliated like any other Jackal, your supply woulda been cut straight off and you’da been sinking in heavy waters. I woulda come for your ass, killed you and your fucking mother. That’s what any other man would have done.
“I’m showing your ass some undeserved mercy. You’re gonna leave her alone. She’s apart of us, always has been, and she’s gonna be mine--�
“Like hell she is! I saved her ass from your prick of a brother. He woulda put her in the ground and you know it!�
An uneasy feeling swarmed Remy’s chest at the thought of his birdy in the hands of his brother. Douchebag was right.
“If anyone’s in debt, it’s you,� Jaxon growled. “And if you were man enough, you’d be on this side of the fucking wall settling this like men. So come on, then! Get over here and we’ll see who has this!�
Remy smiled. “I don’t want to get covered in bruises. I got a lady to impress now.�
Yeah, that about did it. Jaxon detonated. Kicked the gates like a little kid, screaming his insults all the while knowing there was nothing he could do. Remy won this.
“She’ll be well taken care,� Remy said as he watched the douchebag get dragged away by his men.
Jaxon Barlow was officially broken. Mission accomplished. Remy smiled because he knew exactly what this would lead to.
He hadn’t slept at all the rest of the night. He was in Rita’s room, packing a few outfits for Sara. Fuck, he’d be having a word to Rita about some of the shit she wore when she got back. Slut.
He’d grabbed some essentials in the supply closet: toothbrush, soap, a girly looking bottle of shampoo, tampons and pads with wings on them or some bullshit like that. He went through Rita’s cupboards, packed away a comb, a straightener, some hair decorative shit that girls wore.
Sara was in her twenties. Girls in their twenties like pop music and romance movies, right? He went through his sister’s movies, pulling out ones that had smiling or kissing couples on the front. He read a few storylines as he went, and boy did they range from all kinds of ridiculous shit: rich, gorgeous men falling for poor, average girls; bad boys falling for good girls; fuck buddies that became more; crap about fate and star crossed lovers. Yada-too-good-to-be-true-shit-yada. No wonder women were never happy...
And music? He hadn’t a goddamn clue! He looked at all the names, not knowing where to even begin. After five homicidal minutes, he stuffed a handful that was vaguely familiar. Surely Sara listened to shit like Miley Papyrus and Lady Moomoo � or whatever the fuck they were called. Good enough for him.
It was eight in the morning when he finally headed out.
“You really serious about this?� asked Fritz just before he reached the door.
Remy stopped and looked over at the middle aged man. “Why wouldn’t I be?�
“Man killed your brother, and all you’re doing is stealing his woman. Is she really worth the cost of not being able to bury your brother and kill the dickhead that took him from you?�
Remy considered his words for a moment. Fritz loved violence, and he hated the Scorpions more than Remy did, which said a lot. He’d been itching to rile shit up between the gangs. Went on and on about how the town was only big enough for one. How they had the chance to reclaim their territory and get back what was rightfully theirs. While there was some logic in the man’s words, the destination of Remy’s thoughts always led back to those auburn eyes. He wanted her. He’d waited long enough. Damn straight she was worth it.
“Yeah,� he answered, conviction thick in his voice. “She is.�
If anything, he got the best end of the stick. Brett would have raped her. Would have probably killed her too just so it wouldn’t get back to the Scorpions. He’d pulled a knife on her. Had his hand wrapped around her neck. Sara told Remy everything. He’d have killed him too. But Jaxon doing it had presented the opportunity for a deal like this, and fate had grabbed Remy by the balls and screamed, take it!
Now that’s a story that should be made into a movie if ever he heard one.
On his way to the bunker, he picked up breakfast, ordering all kinds of varieties of foods his birdy might like. He would learn all about her: her favourite breakfast meal, the music she listened to, her favourite genre of movies, whether she liked decorative shit in her hair, if her periods warranted pads with fucking wings on them...
He was going to learn it all. Every inch of her too.
The Black-backed Jackal clubhouse was a black industrial looking building with blacked out windows and a ten foot tall cement wall bordering the entire area with the exception of the black iron gates that let you in and out. There were cameras everywhere, securely fitted to every corner of the perimeter, big in size and shameless, broadcasting to all its members every single soul approaching its vicinity.
Currently, there were five souls standing in front of the gate, and one angry motherfucker snarling up at the camera. In fact, he’d been snarling there for a couple hours now. They’d ignored him long enough; the fucker wasn’t going to go.
And now he had a gun in his hand. Motherfucker.
Remy stared at the screen, watching the douchebag put his arm up in the air. In the distance, gun shots were heard. Any second now, Prez was going to walk into the room and demand �
“What the fuck is going on?!� Right on cue. The white haired, large burly man stormed into the surveillance room, buttoning the fly on his jeans. His shirt was off, fat and muscle combined and loaded in ink, taking up every inch of his torso.
He took a single look at the screen, went all kinds of impossible shades of pink, and darted his eyes at Remy. The veins in his neck were protruding now, which was bad. The veins were always a bad sign. “What in God’s name is that motherfucker doing firing shots into the fucking air outside of my fucking compound, Remy?�
Remy stood there for a few moments feeling the heat of Prez’s gaze as well as the gaze of all the other men emerging from their slumber. It was four am in the morning and everyone was pissed off.
“He won’t go away,� he simply stated to Prez.
“What do you mean he won’t go away? How long’s he been standing there?�
“Few hours now.�
Prez’s eyes twitched once. Then they twitched again as he regarded his VP. Remy knew he knew. Of course he knew. He hated he knew. Prez knew everything.
“What. Did. You. Do?�
From his peripheral, two of his men slinked back � the same men that had helped Remy eight hours prior. Remy didn’t respond. And when Remy didn’t respond, Prez always lost his shit.
“I’m going to lose my shit!� he screeched. Everyone but Remy flinched. He was used to the temper tantrums, albeit not at him, but still, they were all one and the same. “I don’t fucking believe it! You went behind my fucking back, didn’t you? You motherfucker! You cocksucking mother fucking--�
“I had to,� Remy interrupted, but the man continued to rage on.
“For a fucking woman! A goddamn piece of pussy that you can get anywhere you want! Always after that one slice of--�
“He killed Brett!�
Prez shut up. His face went blank as the words processed. Brett wasn’t one of them, but he was Remy’s brother. A part of the family. Prez was never fond of the fat douche, but he was his best poker bud. Poker was big for Prez. Finding a good poker bud to play with was very hard on Prez. So the fact he loved poker and his favourite poker bud was dead was big. Very big.
However, this was different. The Jackals and Scorpions were on good terms now, and it had taken for-fucking-ever for that to happen. They were essential to the Jackals. This complicated shit, and Prez hated complicated shit.
“You got this out of her?� he asked calmer than before.
Remy gave him a single nod.
Prez’s eyes wandered to the screen again. “What do you want to do?� Remy had every right to retaliate. Depending on how severe this retaliation might be, it would inevitably stir the nest if it involved killing Jaxon Barlow.
“I want the girl.� The words took Prez off guard. He looked back at the dark eyed man. Remy was always a damn hard read, yet for once the emotion of certainty was profound in those dark eyes.
He wanted the girl as retaliation? Talk about dodging a fucking bullet! If pussy would keep the peace going, then Remy could have it.
Prez took a step closer to him. They equalled in height, and although Prez had buried most of his muscle in fat, the fucker was still strong as hell.
“Then you’re going to go out there and settle this,� he demanded firmly. His blue eyes spoke volumes that no one else around the room could see. They said: Remy, you fuck this up and I fuck you up, too. A warning that had Remy nodding in agreement to.
“I’m going back to sleep. I better wake up to no dead bodies, and would someone please shut those fucking kittens up in Darcy’s room?!� They watched Prez storm out, and then dispersed themselves. There were only three men standing in the room: Remy, Fritz and Logan.
More shots in the distance.
“Guy’s losing his shit,� mumbled Logan. “I’m gonna get some guns out of the artillery room. Fight fire with fire, yeah?�
“No,� Remy said. “We don’t need that shit.�
Fritz bristled uncomfortably. “That fucker looks angry enough to shoot--�
“And if he does, he’s fucked. He ain’t gonna be shooting.�
Remy threw his vest on and walked out. He knew he was being a smug ass going without a weapon. It was a statement. That the Jackals were far more powerful than the Scorpions. That they could stomp on their asses in a blink of an eye.
The perimeter’s spot lights flickered on as Remy and the men stepped out into the cold early morning misty air. The wind was ferocious, stinging his cheeks red. They were breathing out clouds, and breathing in icy smog. Fucker had stood in this weather for three hours. Not bad.
With the lights on, he was no longer a silhouette. The more Remy closed the gap between them, the more of his features came out, and it wasn’t pretty. Jaxon Barlow was a man possessed with rage. He was drenched from head to toe in old rain, breathing heavily, hand gripping his gun tightly. When they connected eyes, Remy had to fight the smile that was begging its way out. The man was a mess. And he fucking loved that.
He stopped at the gate. Both stood on opposite sides. Staring.
“Where is she?� Jaxon gritted out.
Remy looked past him and at the four Scorpions standing several feet behind him.
“Don’t know what you’re talkin� bout, man,� Remy casually answered, idly scratching his chin.
Jaxon’s nostrils flared as he swung forward and gripped the iron bars that separated them. “Don’t you fucking lie to me! I know you got her--�
“Got who?�
“Damien told me everything. You’re standing on thin ice, Remy. I swear to fucking God, if you don’t give her back--�
“What?� Remy snapped, taking a step closer to the gate. “What’re you gonna do, Scorpion? Ain’t nothing your ass can do to us.�
“You wanna fucking bet?�
Remy chuckled, eyeing Jaxon like he was two feet tall and made of cuddly bears. “You gonna start another war you can’t win, man? Who’s the one floating all them businesses you and your chimp of a boss got goin�? Regardless of what happens, I got what I want. I got my answers. Answers you were too pussy to come out with tonight.�
“Where is she?!� Panic swept his face as he gripped the bar tighter. “I swear, if you hurt her-�
“She’s a fucking Jackal, you moron,� Remy bit back. “You’ve known that for some time too. She ain’t hurt.�
“Give her back.� Remy saw the vulnerability in those words. Jaxon was losing his shit. Man looked desperate.
“No,� Remy calmly said. “You ain’t getting her back. She ain’t gonna be in that world of yours. Ain’t gonna get passed around like a whore. Would you really have given her that kind of life?�
Jaxon’s face fell. “I would never have passed her around--�
“You ain’t got no choice! That’s what woulda happened to her and you fucking know it!� Remy’s anger began to surface. “She would have been fucked like an animal in that poison of a club--�
“You act like you’re so much fucking better,� Jaxon interrupted, staring holes in his head. “Like you’re not some scum of a fucking murderer. The whole lot of you! Selling fucking drugs--�
“And it’s our earnings that keep your asses floating, you stupid hick. You act like you ain’t got blood on your hands either. May I fucking remind you of what your men did to our town three years ago. Burning shit down, threatening all them fucking businesses, monopolising this town like a fucking game--�
“We cleaned up the fucking streets while your police bought monkeys kicked back--�
“And you’re only here because of our mercy, you thieving piece of shit! Laundering our fucking money to keep your boat floating clean--�
“And we got more business than your punk asses, so don’t think for a second we rely on you--�
“Is that so? Might as well cut that supply off for you, then, and watch how that goes, huh?�
Jaxon didn’t respond. Remy had trapped him. Man was bluffing. Most of their income was coming from the Jackals, but Remy was bluffing too. The business arrangement between the two clubs was essential because the Scorpions owned most businesses in town now. Whatever they didn’t own, the Jackals did, but what they did own wasn’t enough to launder even a tenth of their illegal earnings.
“Now this is how it’s going to go,� Remy said, returning to his calm authoritative self. “You killed my brother, and if I retaliated like any other Jackal, your supply woulda been cut straight off and you’da been sinking in heavy waters. I woulda come for your ass, killed you and your fucking mother. That’s what any other man would have done.
“I’m showing your ass some undeserved mercy. You’re gonna leave her alone. She’s apart of us, always has been, and she’s gonna be mine--�
“Like hell she is! I saved her ass from your prick of a brother. He woulda put her in the ground and you know it!�
An uneasy feeling swarmed Remy’s chest at the thought of his birdy in the hands of his brother. Douchebag was right.
“If anyone’s in debt, it’s you,� Jaxon growled. “And if you were man enough, you’d be on this side of the fucking wall settling this like men. So come on, then! Get over here and we’ll see who has this!�
Remy smiled. “I don’t want to get covered in bruises. I got a lady to impress now.�
Yeah, that about did it. Jaxon detonated. Kicked the gates like a little kid, screaming his insults all the while knowing there was nothing he could do. Remy won this.
“She’ll be well taken care,� Remy said as he watched the douchebag get dragged away by his men.
Jaxon Barlow was officially broken. Mission accomplished. Remy smiled because he knew exactly what this would lead to.
He hadn’t slept at all the rest of the night. He was in Rita’s room, packing a few outfits for Sara. Fuck, he’d be having a word to Rita about some of the shit she wore when she got back. Slut.
He’d grabbed some essentials in the supply closet: toothbrush, soap, a girly looking bottle of shampoo, tampons and pads with wings on them or some bullshit like that. He went through Rita’s cupboards, packed away a comb, a straightener, some hair decorative shit that girls wore.
Sara was in her twenties. Girls in their twenties like pop music and romance movies, right? He went through his sister’s movies, pulling out ones that had smiling or kissing couples on the front. He read a few storylines as he went, and boy did they range from all kinds of ridiculous shit: rich, gorgeous men falling for poor, average girls; bad boys falling for good girls; fuck buddies that became more; crap about fate and star crossed lovers. Yada-too-good-to-be-true-shit-yada. No wonder women were never happy...
And music? He hadn’t a goddamn clue! He looked at all the names, not knowing where to even begin. After five homicidal minutes, he stuffed a handful that was vaguely familiar. Surely Sara listened to shit like Miley Papyrus and Lady Moomoo � or whatever the fuck they were called. Good enough for him.
It was eight in the morning when he finally headed out.
“You really serious about this?� asked Fritz just before he reached the door.
Remy stopped and looked over at the middle aged man. “Why wouldn’t I be?�
“Man killed your brother, and all you’re doing is stealing his woman. Is she really worth the cost of not being able to bury your brother and kill the dickhead that took him from you?�
Remy considered his words for a moment. Fritz loved violence, and he hated the Scorpions more than Remy did, which said a lot. He’d been itching to rile shit up between the gangs. Went on and on about how the town was only big enough for one. How they had the chance to reclaim their territory and get back what was rightfully theirs. While there was some logic in the man’s words, the destination of Remy’s thoughts always led back to those auburn eyes. He wanted her. He’d waited long enough. Damn straight she was worth it.
“Yeah,� he answered, conviction thick in his voice. “She is.�
If anything, he got the best end of the stick. Brett would have raped her. Would have probably killed her too just so it wouldn’t get back to the Scorpions. He’d pulled a knife on her. Had his hand wrapped around her neck. Sara told Remy everything. He’d have killed him too. But Jaxon doing it had presented the opportunity for a deal like this, and fate had grabbed Remy by the balls and screamed, take it!
Now that’s a story that should be made into a movie if ever he heard one.
On his way to the bunker, he picked up breakfast, ordering all kinds of varieties of foods his birdy might like. He would learn all about her: her favourite breakfast meal, the music she listened to, her favourite genre of movies, whether she liked decorative shit in her hair, if her periods warranted pads with fucking wings on them...
He was going to learn it all. Every inch of her too.
December 28, 2013
Ignite Series
Currently working hard on book two of the Ignite series. Second book will be titled Burn and will be out sometime in February.
I appreciate all the kind words I have received in regards to Ignite. It has been very motivating for me. Thank you so much.
I appreciate all the kind words I have received in regards to Ignite. It has been very motivating for me. Thank you so much.
